Is everyone ready to break the time barrier for 69 minutes of heart-stopping, pulse-pounding action? No? Good, let's watch Alias instead. My roommate flat-out refused to watch it with me, and instead went over to our friend's house to watch some guy get his butt pierced on Jackass. I was forced to make do with my Bitchy Gay Chinese Friend (as if there's any other kind) via long-distance. He's asked to remain nameless so his boyfriend, who loves this site (hi, Jeremy!), won't read this and realize that he ditched helping him clean out the garage to kibbitz with me for an hour. Ooooops. Oh, well.
By the way, this is brought to you without interruption, but with plenty of plot-jarring goodness, by Nokia.
Blippy opening credits.
A woman with Kool-Aid red hair is being held underwater. Her interrogators let her up. Bubble, bubble, gasp, gasp. Chinese is spoken by everyone, Sydney ('cause we all know that's who Kool-Aid head is) and interrogators alike, but no subtitles are provided. Was Nokia too cheap to pay for subtitling?
Bitchy Gay Chinese Friend: They should hold her underwater again for her awful accent!
Manimal: I know I made fun of it, but I think she looks cute with the Run, Lola, Run hair.
BGCF: You should go hold your head underwater. Girl, she looks like Raggedy Andy!
Sydney gets slapped around, then handcuffed to a chair. There's a rattling at the door. Sydney looks terrified/excited. Close-up of the door…
…and we fade to a similar-type door in a university. Hi, J.J. Abrams? This is Alfred Hitchcock's estate calling. We'd like you to stop ripping off North by Northwest now. A professor (you know he's a professor because he has a crazy Friar Tuck tonsure and a bowtie) walks over to where Sydney is finishing her test. He tells her that her time is up. She says okay, but then keeps talking so she can keep writing past the limit. That sassy lady!
Cue some complaint rock. I'm deeply confused. Am I watching a sweet coming-of-age dramedy or a rock-'em-sock-'em spy show?
Sydney and doctor-boyfriend Danny are walking across the college campus. Sydney's telling Danny she's pretty sure she got a D. There's some super-obvious attempt at character-establishing dialogue, wherein we learn that Sydney is not only super-smart, but really, really, REALLY sassy, as the only other time she got a D was when she embroidered a saucy word on her Home Ec project in high school. You go, girl! Sydney mourns that she deserves the D this time, since she didn't prepare. Danny sighs and tells her she needs to quit her part-time job at the bank. He stops and wrestles with his backpack as if trying to find something, and ends up kneeling at her feet. He mutters something about not being able to go through a double shift again. Sydney drops to her knees and says, anticipation alight in her eyes, "Did you get the Dave Matthews tickets?" You know what? I try to be nonjudgmental and live and let live and all that, but I'm with Janeane Garofalo on this one -- Dave Matthews blows. Also, do the kids -- even the grad student kids -- even listen to DMB anymore?
Danny says, "Would you stand up, please?" looking mighty cute and sounding awfully British.
BGCF: You know that "British and cute" just means ugly.
Manimal: Don't you think for him it just means "British and cute?"
Danny tells her, "I wanted to wait, maybe do it over the weekend, but I couldn't." There's some more expository dialogue about their first date at the bowling alley. I drifted off and didn't pay attention. The point is that they're young and way in love. Everyone got that? Good. Sydney mutters, "Oh, God," and suddenly Danny bursts into song. Not in a musical-style way, but in a "bellowing at the top of his lungs, trying to embarrass her" kind of way. All across the campus, people giggle and stop as Danny sings, "Build Me Up, Buttercup." The campus bells start tolling and Danny hollers, "SHUT UP!"
BGCF: That was kind of cute.
Manimal: You're so easy. Tramp.
Danny proposes. Sydney says yes. Jennifer Garner manages to look like one smitten kitten. They smooch.
Sydney at her best friend's house; they giggle and cry over the ring. In the tradition of Felicity, Sydney's best friend is a sassy black woman. Her character's name is Francie, but you know the poor woman is just going to be used as a plot device to show how hard Sydney has it not having a "normal" life, or, eventually, she'll be threatened/kidnapped to get Sydney to do something. Therefore, she only gets the title Best Friend from here on out. If she gets to have an actual character, she'll get a full name.
They kibbitz at the kitchen table. Best Friend asks if Sydney's going to tell Will; she says later, when they run at the track. They talk about how Sydney's dad would just ruin the news if she told him, but also how proud Sydney's mom would be -- so now we know that her dad's a distant, emotionally-withholding jerk and that her mom's dead. Sydney abruptly changes her mind and says maybe she should call her dad. Best Friend tells her that unless it's got to do with airplane parts, her dad's got no input, and to stop being schizophrenic. I'd also like to tell J.J. Abrams that same thing, because at this point I've completely forgotten the whole interrogation scene and I feel like I'm watching My So-Called Grad School Life.
Sydney tells Best Friend that her dad already knows, since Danny already called him to ask his permission. Best Friend gives her a level "oh-my-God-spill-it" look. What the hell? If Sydney already knows that her dad knows, why did we sit through two minutes of pointless dithering over whether she should call him or not?
A completely unsubtle cut to Danny, in his scrubs, calling Sydney's dad from a pay phone. Danny, in his cute British way, asks for Sydney's dad's approval of his proposal. Victor Garber lays down the sneerage and tells him, "If you feel the need to ask me about this scenario, I have the sense you don't know Sydney at all." Danny's face falls. He stutters, but Sydney's dad continues: "First of all, Danny, the truth is that this is just a courtesy call. Like, when you say to your neighbor, 'We're having a loud party on Saturday night if that's all right with you,' when what you mean is, 'We're having a loud party. On Saturday night.'" Hee! Victor Garber is m-e-a-n!
Dad says that Sydney doesn't give a damn about his opinion. Danny stutters out that it's just a custom to call the father. Dad says fine, but that he won't be used as part of a charming little anecdote to tell their friends at cocktail parties about what an old-fashioned guy Danny really is. WOW. Dad is having PMS, nicotine withdrawal, and a migraine all at once, apparently. He finishes up by saying, "Are we clear?" Danny says, "Yes, sir." Dad: "Good. Then welcome to the family." Dad then takes off his invisible pimp hat and hangs up. I'm surprised he doesn't have to shake out his hand after slapping the poor boy so hard.
BGCF: Spank me, Daddy!
Manimal: You're revolting.
BGCF: I've been bad, but it feels good!
Techno-ish music. Sydney wears a Jaclyn Smith Kmart collection (tm Zoolander) black pantsuit as she walks up to the Credit Dauphine building. "You're in late," the elevator man says to her. A delivery guy tries to get on board, but the elevator man tells him it's an executives-only elevator, and then flashes his gun at him. Jeez, wouldn't a firm "no" work? It does on dogs. Sydney makes some chit-chat as behind her back she works the engagement ring off her finger.
Sydney exits the elevator into a white room with a black circle drawn on the floor. The room goes red as she gets security clearance and then beeps her through into the busy hive of SD6.
Sydney walks over to Dixon, played by Carl Lumbly. I love this guy! He's got such a great face, and he's been around for ages. Frankly, it's spooky how he hasn't aged. Obviously he and Johnny Depp share the same monkey-placenta supplier. He's speaking on a headset in Hebrew. Once the call ends, he complains about his headset. He and Sydney share the always-refreshing pause of expository dialogue as they talk about Decklin going missing in Teheran and Sydney fixes his headset. Okay -- I get it. There's nothing that Sydney can't do. She's Jesus Christ and Martha Stewart, all rolled into one cheap microfiber pantsuit.
Dixon interrupts to tell her, "What's going on with you? You've got, like, a glow." Sydney denies it. She tells him they have to hurry in, since Sloane is waiting.
Hey, it's Ron Rifkin! He fills everyone in on the "Mueller Project" and how it's gone missing, although they think the Chinese might have it. Apparently their mole, Quintero, has also gone missing. Carl and Sydney are going to Taiwan as representatives from "Modera Plastics" to look for a new plant. They're specifically told only to locate the lab where the plans are being held, but not to retrieve it, since it's too dangerous. Sloane then hands it over to Marshall, or, as he's more commonly known when he's old, British, and Desmond Llewelyn (bless his dearly departed heart), Q.
Marshall stands up and is geeky and stuttery, but exceptionally endearing. He's exactly what the American version of Q would be like. He demonstrates a lighter: "It looks like a lighter…you know, something you'd light a cigar or cigarette with, but actually, it's an RF scrambler that disrupts video signal for a 420-yard radius so if I were to hit this switch right here, the whole block would be in a complete panic, yeah, so…what the hell, right? [hits switch] See? Everyone's totally freakin' out, 'my computer, it's not on, my DVD's not working…'" He then tells them the device only works for four minutes and two seconds, and after that, they're screwed. He then goes through the whole stuttery/geeky/charming song-and-dance with a lipstick that takes three-dimensional maps.
Cut to Sydney running laps with her friend Will. She's way ahead of him. He is so her punk (as we will see later in the episode). They talk about a blind date Will had last night. Apparently it's off -- the woman told him her favorite movie of all time is Pretty Woman. Sydney (very non-judgmentally) points out that a lot of people like that movie. Will (sensibly) points out that having Pretty Woman as your favorite all-time movie means you are excluding every other movie ever made. Haw! He asks her to go see Lawrence of Arabia. She says no, she's taking dinner to Danny that night. He says they can go to the late show. Sydney tells him that they're getting married. Will's crests totally fall. Oh, God. We've already seen the Elena of this show -- do we have to get the spy version of Knoll Crane, too? How much backstory are they trying to cram into this sucker?
The Soft, Whispery Song Stylings Of Impending Doom. Sydney's sitting on the sofa, studying a book; Danny's at the table. The music plays, they eye each other, and then Danny pounces on her. Yadda yadda, we're so in love, we're gonna have children one day, Danny starts kissing her stomach, Bitchy Gay Chinese Friend and I gross out like twelve-year-olds.
BGCF: I did not sign on to see breeders make out. Is this show going to get fun? Are you paying for my phone bill?
Manimal (shielding eyes with hands, trying to look at the sofa that they're lying on without actually looking directly at kissing couple): God, look at that apartment. It's gorgeous.
BGCF: It's so...Pottery Barn. Get some standards, girl!
Sydney, post-we're-gonna-have-children-comment, gets a very "Papa Don't Preach" look on her face. She takes Danny by the hand and leads him upstairs to the shower, turning the music up on the way. She takes off her clothes and tells Danny to get undressed. He's all, "Hell, yeah!" But then they get into the shower, and Sydney tells him she works for the CIA. He's all, "This is the weirdest foreplay ever," and thinks it's a joke, but then, after the shortest "Honey, I'm really a spy!" conversation ever, he soon leaves the shower in a funk.
Cut to the Taiwanese Interrogation Chamber. Sydney and her straggly hair watch in horror as a Taiwanese glasses-wearing gentlemen, who I'm calling Generic Asian Bad Guy, comes in holding a syringe. In a weird semi-phallic gesture, he shoots a long stream of clear fluid out of the syringe while Sydney looks more and more horrified. The door slams on them. This was so clearly meant to be a commercial break. As the astute folks on the forums have pointed out, what was the point of having the episode commercial-free when you could see the seams and breaks? It also made me realize the difference between the mediums -- in a movie, I hate seeing commercials even BEFORE the picture starts, but on TV I expect, even love them. When else can I get more potato chips or go pee?
Back to the Interrogation Chamber. They shoot Sydney up. It does not look fun. GABG walks away. Sydney passes out. A Cat Stevens song starts playing.
Sydney VO. She's telling Danny the backstory of how she ended up an agent. What was the point of the disjointed narrative? J.J. should leave that kind of stuff to the Japanese, who actually know how to break up a linear narrative to artistic effect. As it is, it's just mildly confusing and irritating. I mean, it's kind of neat in spots, but the overall effect is not that great.
Anyway, Sydney's a loner in college and gets approached by a guy for a government job as a freshman because she "fits a profile"; she advances quickly, because she enjoys the work and needs the money. Cut to the present. Sydney and Danny are standing at a construction site as she tells him this story. She explains to him that it's a covert branch -- SD6. Montage of her doing agent-type stuff. Cat Stevens keeps singing.
You know, I really love The Cat, but the music selection here is jarring as hell. It's like the bastard schizophrenic child of Fatboy Slim and Sarah McLachlan was hired to be the music editor. I think they're trying to play up the whole sad contrast between normal grad-student life vs. Sydney's super-secret spy life with the complaint rock vs. electronica, but it just makes the show seem unfocused. I mean, we've all seen this before on Buffy and La Femme Nikita, but this show doesn't have Buffy's heart. Besides, in the Buffy mythology, one of the most poignant things is that Buffy has no choice, but she rises to her destiny with such courage. Ditto for LFN, where she has no other choice but to become an assassin. Whereas here...I mean, yeah, it sucks being a poor grad student, but couldn't Sydney have sucked it up and gotten a job schlepping chicken at a Boston Market or something? Hell, I worked in a bakery for four years serving pastries to cranky senior citizens. I mean, I guess Sydney's supposed to be "destined" for it, but we haven't really seen that yet.
Danny says, "This isn't real." Sydney then says one of the dumber lines of dialogue I've heard, ever: "Danny, since my mother died, I've always hoped that I'd find someone to give my life meaning. That person is you...I just met the agency first. I can't quit."
BGCF: What the hell does that mean?
Manimal (monotone): "Danny, since my mother died, I've always hoped that I'd find someone to give my life meaning. That person is you...I just met the agency first. I can't quit." What do you mean 'what does it mean'? It means exactly what she says. There's not a whole lot of subtext there. That dialogue has its bra straps hangin' out all the way.
BGCF: I know that, I ain't deaf, but what I mean is why the hell would she say it in that dumb-ass way? If I was a man -- I mean, a straight man -- I would take off screaming just hearin' that shit, let alone the secret agent stuff. At least the secret agent stuff is kind of sexy.
Danny tells her he loves her, but that her job is freakin' him. Sydney tells him he really, really, REALLY can't tell anyone about this. Danny says he understands, and that he needs to get away, but he'll call her tonight. Sydney says that she's got her trip, but she'll call him when he gets back.
Leavin' on a jet plane. Dixon tells Sydney that Sloane doesn't like her being in grad school. Sydney says that she's not giving it up, but that she knows that Sloane doesn't like them having an outside life. Sydney asks Dixon how long he's been married, and if he loves his wife, and how he deals with not telling her about what he really does. Dixon tells her firmly that he's protecting his wife. Sydney asks if he doesn't feel like he's lying to her.
Okay, first of all, you don't FEEL like you're lying to someone. You KNOW when you're lying to someone. You can feel GUILTY that you're lying to them, but unless lies have developed spikes or some sort of ability to give physical sensation, then you can't FEEL THEM. Then poor Carl Lumbly is forced to utter yet another pearl of dialogue from the pen of J.J. Abrams: "If there's one rule that you don't break, that's the rule you don't break." Jennifer Garner looks like she's about to pass gas. I can't tell if that's her "I'm sad!" face, or if she's just pained at what a dumb line that was. That wasn't even a sentence! It was two sentence fragments! And they weren't funny, illuminating, or key to moving the story along in any way! You know, I really like Felicity. Did someone throw the real J.J. Abrams in a closet and hire some guy from the local Subway to write the pilot? Sydney mumbles that maybe she'll get used to it. Dixon looks at her, worried.
Taiwan. Reception. Sydney is wearing a red sequined dress that demonstrates that a) she's in incredible physical condition; b) she's a dead ringer for Lypsinka; and c) Scott Foley better watch out, because his wife might know everything there is to know about the crying game. Sydney speaks more poorly-accented Chinese. Generic Asian Bad Guy is also there.
Back to Danny on the phone. He calls Sydney. They have the most nauseating "oh my God, we're a cute, spontaneous couple!" message on their answering machine ever. It's almost classic in its horribleness, right up there with Dylan's "This is Dylan. You know the drill" answering-machine message from . I can't transcribe it because my fingers lock up at every attempt. Danny leaves a long, rambling message about Sydney's secret life and how he knows she's on a secret mission.
The scenes are inter-cut with Sydney and Dixon doing super-spy stuff, set to pumping techno. Dixon fakes an attack; Sydney runs off to get help. Dixon then scrambles all the video monitors and Sydney searches for the "Mueller Project."
Danny winds up the message by saying that the world's a scary place anyway and he loves her too much to not be with her. Didn't Sydney make a huge deal about the secrecy of what she was telling him, deliberately taking him out to private places so no one could overhear? What part of "secret" and "you can't tell anyone" did he not understand? Are the differences between British and American English THAT big?
Danny's phone call gets traced. Sloane in his office receives the news of Danny's phone call. We're just seeing Darwinism at play here, folks. I personally am not too sad about What We All Know Is About To Happen.
Back to The Hunt For Red Mueller Project. Sydney finds and photographs it as Dixon times her progress. The techno music budget runs out here, because they throw in some MacGyver strings to supplement it. The video comes back on just as Sydney runs up the stairs. Generic Asian Bad Guy spots her, and Sydney fakes not being able to find the bathroom. He stops her and says menacingly, "This area is restricted." Sydney then adopts a Southern accent -- don't ask me why -- and whispers plaintively that she's been drinking, and that if her boss finds out, she will lose her job. She's pretty good at squeezing out the crocodile tears. GABG looks doubtful, but then buys her three-dollar-bill story and shows her the way to the bathroom. She tells GABG she likes his tie.
Sloane, looking dapper in his natty suit, says that Daniel Hecht has become aware of Sydney's job with the agency and that he must be destroyed. Well, not quite in those words, but basically. He then passes the file to -- DA DA DUM! -- Sydney's dad, who will henceforth be referred to as Spy Daddy. Spy Daddy says he understands, and that Sloane knows where his loyalty lies.
Airport. Dixon disembarks and is greeted by Josie and the SD6ers. He hands over the lipstick/camera. They ask where Sydney is. He says that she took a taxi, and looks suspicious at their interest.
Danny's apartment. The place has been tossed like a salad. Sydney walks in, looks aghast, then runs straight to the bathroom -- because, after discovering a break-in, most people feel an immediate need to pee -- and discovers Danny's body. Now, okay. Maybe this would've made sense if we'd seen from her POV that she'd spotted Danny in the bathroom. But we didn't. And it doesn't. Jennifer Garner tries to convey incredible pain and sorrow, but mostly she reminds me of the frustrated Cro-Magnons in Quest for Fire when they're, you know, questing for fire. She wails.
Sydney drives like a maniac to Credit Dauphine in her old-school Toyota LandCruiser. I hate SUVs in general, but I always liked the design of those things. She's covered in blood and mascara. Hey, that would be a good title for an autobiography, maybe of Tammy Faye!
Sydney marches in to Sloane's office and says in a poignant whisper, "What did you do?" Sloane says, "I might ask you the same question." He tells her that Security became aware of the breach and did what was required. He then points out that Sydney knew the codes of conduct and that they applied to her, even as she risked everyone's lives at SD6. And you know what, he's evil and all, but the man has a point. I mean, she's seen how they've worked now for seven years, and didn't she think for a minute about how dangerous it would be for both her and Danny to tell him what she really did for a living? Plus, Jennifer Garner is kind of a blank slate in this scene, and she doesn't transcend the thin material here to make me sympathize with her.
Manimal: I keep praying for a commercial break so I can pee.
BGCF: I keep praying for a commercial for Zoolander so I can stop watching this shit for thirty seconds.
Manimal: God, I really have to pee.
BGCF: You have the prostate of an eighty-year-old man. Girl, go pee! You're taping this, aren't you? You're acting as dumb as she is.
Weep, weep, weep; why, why, why. Sloane lays down The Firm Hand Of No Tickee, No Washee. Jennifer Garner tries to get all menacing and grabs him by the throat: "Stop saying 'we.' Stop talking about the agency. You killed the man I love." Sloane says softly, "No, Agent Bristow. You did." Oooh, can everyone smell that? I do believe that's this season's hottest scent, Big-Time Burn. Sydney wants to leave the office. Sloane tells her she has to be screened, because she's a risk now, too.
Sydney gets screened. Lots of montages and layering. Long story short: Sydney's sad and being forced to relive her history at the agency and what happened with Daniel. Sydney watches as Sloane talks to the screener. He gives her his patented "I'm a twinkly Jewish Santa Claus even though I'm about to bring the pain" Ron Rifkin look. Sydney finally leaves the building, only to see her Pathfinder being towed.
Taiwanese Interrogation Chamber. Hey, it's that Generic Asian Bad Guy! Sydney is all dopey, yet still sassy! GABG tells her he doesn't want to make it too painful, and Sydney sasses back that she's glad they're on the same page. Sassy, sassy, sassy! Actually, JG is far more fun in her Lola-rip-off hair. Maybe she's only charismatic when she doesn't have her boring grad-student hair. GABG asks who's she working for. Threats are made. Sydney tells him to get a pen, and then spells out the word "EMETIB." She then tells him to reverse it. Hey, she did that pretty quick! Man, I could never be a spy, if spelling backwards rapidly is a required skill. She laughs and says, "I've got news for you, man. I'm your worst enemy. I've got nothing to lose." Um, who uses the word "man" in conversation anymore, unless you're Tommy Chong? ["Um." -- Sars] But anyway -- hoo, that Sydney! She puts the "ass" in "sass"! GABG says menacingly as he unzips some instruments, "That's not exactly true. You have teeth."
US of A. Danny's funeral. Mucho sadness. More complaint rock. Spy Daddy watches from a distance. A woman with the bright red hair we see Sydney wearing in the Taiwan Interrogation scenes kisses Will.
Sydney's apartment. She plays the "oh my God, we're a cute, spontaneous couple!" message, and once again my fingers cramp, refusing to transcribe it. She sniffles as she drinks some wine and changes the outgoing message on her machine. Ouch. Okay, I can see how that would be a nice touch -- if I cared, at all, about them as a couple.
Obvious cut. "She loved a man, and she lost him," the professor says. He's talking about a Tennyson poem, but it, like, TOTALLY relates to what we just saw with Sydney and her boyfriend. I sure hope all y'all out there like the melodious music of falling anvils, because we're going to be hearing a lot of it. Sydney gets paged mid-lecture with the message "SLOANE -- 911."
Sydney and her East German swimmer arms are on display in a sleeveless purple turtleneck. Dixon stops her. They hug. They share yet another glass of that fine beverage known as expository dialogue. I've heard 2001 is a particularly bad vintage, but these kids just keep drinking like there's no tomorrow! Dixon shakes a warning finger at her (figuratively) and tells her the agency only gave her one month off, and she's taken three. He tells her that the Mueller device is finished, Quintero's dead, they need her active, and "if they don't have confidence in someone who's in as deep as you are, they'll…fix that problem."
Restaurant. Cute couple in luuurve. Sydney watches wistfully as she dines alone. Everyone hear that? It's The March Of The Falling Anvils in D minor.
Parking garage. Sydney walks to her new red pick-up truck and activates the alarm. She climbs in and puts on her seat belt. Oooh, that noise was very menacing. I mean, it actually was really menacing. Sydney's head turns. We see a red beam travel along the truck's length and focus on Sydney's enormo forehead. From her POV, we see two guys in a nondescript government-type auto. Bullets fly. Sydney ducks out of the way, starts the truck from that position, and pulls the truck out, but the government car slams her from behind. She gets out and starts running; the SD6ers chase her. She hits a dead end, then ducks behind a truck.
Sydney pulls out her bright-red Nokia cell phone in all its non-subtle product-placement non-glory and calls Best Friend. Best Friend starts complaining about her crazy day. Oh man, when Irony wants to make himself comfortable at J.J. Abrams's house, he just pulls off his pants and does it! No pauses, no "how was your day, J.J.?" -- just settles right in. Sydney asks her to ring her cell phone, since she thinks it's not working. Best Friend thinks it's weird, but does it.
In the garage, one of the gun-wielding Josie and the SD6ers hears the familiar, incredibly annoying Nokia ring (I'm sorry, I'm bitter -- I had a Nokia for about a year, and the sound quality was terrible and the antenna broke constantly. The sucker did have the battery life of a Supreme Court Justice, but what's the point when everyone you talk to sounds like they're in a wind tunnel?). Oops, sorry -- anyway, the phone rings, an agent runs over -- but it's just the phone! No Sydney!
The phone keeps ringing. Sydney leaps out from behind a car, and some ass-whomping begins. Why oh why do directors these days shoot action scenes all close-up and muddy so you can't see anything? Oh, right -- when your actors don't know martial arts, it's easier to cheat that way. Jennifer Garner does look okay as a fighter, and she looks like she could do some hurt, unlike a tiny little Slayer we know, and yes, it's incredibly hard training to put yourself through especially if you're pretty new to it, but it's just so very, very sad watching American actors try to imitate Hong Kong action and fail miserably. Guys, this tip might help: don't move like you're fighting your granddaddy with arthritis in his joints. Jeez.
More fightage. The scene ends rather bizarrely with a gun-toting SD6er against a car and Sydney delivering, v-e-r-r-y slowly, a side kick that shatters the window behind him. Right then a car pulls up. It's Spy Daddy! And Sydney calls him "Daddy"! Is that weird? I mean, I stopped calling my Dad "Daddy" after the age of eight. Spy Daddy tells her to get in the car, and a garage chase scene ensues. Man, I bet Ford loves watching government chase scenes -- there are no other scenes where a producer would CHOOSE to use a Ford.
Spy Daddy's car. Best Friend calls Sydney and asks what's up, and to call her back to hear about her crazy day. Sydney says, "Me, too," numbly and hangs up. More chase-age, some gunshots. Lots of techno. The other car and driver get it, and Spy Daddy pulls away. He tells Sydney to put on her seat belt. Hee! Is that such a parental reflex or what?
Spy Daddy tells Sydney that the agency doesn't trust Sydney anymore, and that they're going to kill her. Jennifer Garner's face here looks like she just got told she didn't make captain of the cheer squad. Spy Daddy tells Sydney that he works for SD6, just like her, and that he's gotten her a safe flight to Switzerland that leaves that night. Sydney gasps, "I thought you sold airplane parts!" Spy Daddy snaps, "I don't sell airplane parts. I never sold airplane parts." Why does he sound bitter that she never noticed? Doesn't that mean he did his job very well? They pull up to a deserted area, and he tells Sydney to get in the car waiting across the lot, since it's only waiting for two minutes. Also, at one point during this scene, Sydney starts pulling on his face to see if it's a rubber mask. I think it was supposed to be funny.
Sydney asks, "Who are you?" Spy Daddy tells her there's no time for her not to trust him, and that she doesn't know who she's dealing with. Cue drum roll -- Spy Daddy reveals that SD6 is not, in fact, a black-ops division of the CIA. He asks Sydney if she knows what the "Alliance of Twelve" is, and she recites that they're a bunch of "freelance" agents (I am so calling myself that instead of "freelance writer") that are the enemy of the United States. He says that SD6 is a branch of that Alliance, not of the CIA. Personally, I think the phrase "Alliance of Twelve" sounds like J.J. Abrams has been smoking crack while playing D&D, but if that's the name they're using, ho-kay. Then, as if the noise of the ringing hammer and anvils weren't enough, Spy Daddy says, "You work. For the very enemy. You are fighting." Umm, when did subtlety only become available on the black market? I'm willing to start up a fund and buy a little for the show. Who's with me?
Spy Daddy: You've been lied to. All lower-level agents have been lied to.
Sydney: So you're saying I'm working for the enemy.
BGCF and Manimal (in unison): JESUS CHRIST!! YES! YOU'RE WORKING FOR THE ENEMY!
Sydney: I'm working for the enemy. And you are the enemy.
BGCF and Manimal roll their eyes so hard they dislodge their contacts.
Spy Daddy: This is your last chance. You have to go.
Sydney: Who are you to come to me and act like a father? You wanna help me? Stay away from me.
BGCF: Okay, that was kind of hot.
Manimal: Shut up, you big tramp.
Sydney gets out of the car and runs away. Fade to a giant hand reaching for a pair of pliers. It's set up so it looks like the giant hand is about to grab her, and it's a weird shot, and it reminds me of those "Mr. Bill" skits on Saturday Night Live.
Back to Taiwanese Interrogation Chamber. Generic Asian Bad Guy is asking her who she works for, holding the pliers in front of her face. Sydney makes "agh, augh, agh" noises. They pull the clamps out of her mouth and she says, "I just wanna say, if you don't mind, start with the teeth in the back." Wow, that lady sure is SASSY! I bet those Chinese haven't seen American Sass like that before! Hey, American Sass -- that's a great name for a new perfume. Maybe by Tommy Hilfiger. Teeth pulling and screaming ensue, just like when we saw it the first time in Marathon Man.
Newsroom. Will. Will receives a mysterious note from Syd to meet him on the roof. Will no longer deserves a name. He is now Sad Sack Sidekick. Sydney, a little scuffed-up-looking, tells Will she needs his sister's passport and a credit card with a three-thousand dollar limit. And, of course, he acquiesces.
The Synth of Suspense plays as Sydney dyes her hair bright red. She opens the passport and carefully places a mole on the photo, and then on herself. I'm guessing that spies do stuff like this when they don't look like the photo, since people tend to focus on birthmarks and stuff. Unfortunately, this mole is the size of a microdot, so it seems pointless, but whatever.
Sydney sashays through the airport in that sassy, sassalicious, sass-pendous way she has, and she does look pretty cute, except that the hairstyle plus that color make her forehead look so huge that you could project movies on it, and she's sassy to the airport attendant (which is actually pretty funny) and just sassy in general as she flies to Taiwan. It's like...she's BECOME the sass.
Some generic "sneaking through the back alleys of Taiwan" stuff. One funny part is when some Rico Suave passes by Sydney as she's trying to break into a car (she immediately stops, of course) and deliberately blows smoke in her face. So she steals his car instead. Haw!
Anyway, the Mansion of the Mueller Project. Sydney's trying to break into the ambassadorial residence or wherever the hell it is where she took all those fancy photos. She looks cute in her little black outfit, although I'm thinking at this point it would be a good idea to shove her screamingly red hair under a cap instead of leaving it all hanging out. Note to Costumes: she has a great body. Please don't put her in any more outfits that make her look like Lypsinka. The Techno Of Extreme Tenseness pulses.
Sydney climbs, she jumps, she rolls, she breaks into the building. She picks the locks with her...uh, well, her lock-picks, I guess they're called, and one breaks off.
Cut to the Taiwanese Interrogation Chamber. Sydney's mouth is bloody. Eww. Generic Asian Bad Guy drags up a chair and does his Generic Asian Bad Guy thing. He tells Sydney to spill, or no more pain meds for her. He rasps, "Tell me [who you work for] and you get one more." Sydney mutters something, and she sounds totally broken. He tells her, louder. She says she can't. More menacing stuff. He leans in close to get really menacing, and she head-butts him viciously. The Foley guys did a great job with the sound here -- it sounds fabulous. Sydney looks up, meek no more, and then she -- or the stuntperson who did this -- must have incredible abs, because she does a flip in the chair and imprisons GABG under its legs. Wow! Were there wires on that chair? That was pretty hot.
Sydney knocks GABG out cold, steals his keys, and uncuffs herself. She menaces him with the pliers, but then goes straight for the balls. Haw! That's my girl. Two guards enter, and they fight, and it is s-l-o-w. The poor extras seriously just stand there, waiting their turns to get their asses whooped. My God. Couldn't any of the fight choreographers manage to view a John Woo movie or two and see how it's really done?
Sydney runs off and shoots her way to the McGuffin -- er, I mean, "the Mueller Project." She shoots, she breaks and enters, and finds the Mueller Project -- which looks like a big black horseshoe-ish type thing with a red ball rotating and suspended in the middle that belongs in a commercial for the Ponds Institute of Skin Care, but whatever. Fighting, fighting, guns, guns, lab blows up, Sydney gets away, blah. Some complaint rock plays as she escapes.
Credit Dauphine. Sloane gets a call. He says to let her in. Sydney strides in, just the epitome of -- you guessed it -- SASS, the Mueller Project under her arm. She drops it on Sloane's desk. "I'm back." So, apparently, are her teeth: her jaw is totally unswollen. She tells Sloane that "I'm taking a week off. I've got midterms." Does Joss Whedon get royalties for that?
Sydney walks. Music dramatically fades out as she walks into another Credit-Dauphine-type place. The Strings Of Strain start up as Sydney asks to speak to Devlin, and to tell him that he has "a walk-in." Dude, this is, like, the most solemn hair salon, EVER. The really cute, dignified woman -- she's so cute I want to squeeze her -- gets VERY serious looking and alerts Devlin's people as she escorts Sydney to an elevator. Camera pulls away in an overhead shot to reveal the seal of the CIA. Umm, so Sydney, with her bright red hair and her bloody mouth, just WALKED to the CIA? Why does that sound as phony as my dad's bad back?
Vaughn walks by with a bagel or something. Oooh! Michael Vartan. Yay, another cute boy! He's cuter when he's blonder, though. He takes the bagel and coffee into a room where Sydney is scribbling frantically as -- hey, it's Sean from Felicity! -- watches over her. His name is "Mr. Weissman." Sean actually looks completely like a G-man. Or whatever the nickname is for CIA operatives. Sydney keeps scribbling, and it's a nice touch of continuity with her scribbling in her exam scene earlier.
Vaughn's office. Vaughn walks in and adjusts a picture of him and a woman to face away from Sydney. He tells her this could be very interesting. She says, "Does that mean I'm in?" He tells her they still have to review and check her statement, since it's, "like, Tolstoy long." Michael Vartan sure is cute, but he seems a little...ah, sensitive to be in the CIA. I'm just sayin'.
Vaughn says that Devlin says it could take a while to verify, but that they could use "another double agent in SD6." They go through some rigmarole to show how smart Sydney is and how she knows that the CIA might try and play her. Also, Jennifer Garner's face is far more swollen and dirty here than it was before in her scenes with Sloane. She does a good job of looking worn-down, sad, and exhausted. Vaughn smiles and says that he's not trying to play her, that he has an instinct about her.
Fade to a cemetery. Sydney stands in front of Doomed Danny's headstone with flowers. More complaint rock complains. She mourns. I yawn. Bitchy Gay Chinese Friend says, "Girl? I am exhausted and going to sleep. Tell me how this ends. Or wait, don't. Because I don't care."
Sydney turns around...only to see Spy Daddy. She tells him she's back at work. Spy Daddy says he's sorry about Danny. She says she'd like to be alone. Spy Daddy tries to play nice, saying that he knows what it's like to lose someone. Sydney says that just because they're on the same side doesn't mean that they're reconciled, and that she accepts what she's doing now because she has to, but it doesn't mean she has to accept him. Ouch! Spy Daddy then pulls out the last of his Shocking Statements and says, "I asked Devlin if I could tell you myself. They verified your statement. You're in. I read what you wrote. I appreciate your not naming me. That was…kind." Sydney is shocked. Mistress of the Obvious, she states, "You're CIA." Spy Daddy says, "You don't know how dangerous this is, doing what I do. I wish you'd taken me up on Switzerland." Sydney: "How do I know what you're telling me is the truth?" Spy Daddy: "I guess we'll just have to learn to trust each other." Then, in the Aboriginal coming-of-age ceremony known through the ages, Spy Daddy hands Sydney -- a BRAND-NEW NOKIA PHONE!
The phone rings. Complaint rock complains really, really loudly. Sydney says, "Hello?" And...I'm spent!
episode: Sydney gets handed a "long-term" project, and gets to wear several wigs and a latex dress.