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3-14 2004.03.07 |
Blowback? Blow me. I'm sorry. If you title an episode "Blowback," you're just begging for a headline like that. Syd and Vaughn chase down a bomb, with Sark and Lauren following closely behind. Sloane and Dr. Nancy's lack of cleavage share a glass of wine and a secret: Sloane is Sydney's real father. And, because nothing says "cutting edge" like "repetition," we get to watch the entire first half of the show over again when it's rewound and told from Lauren and Sark's POVs. I'm all for recycling, but this is ridiculous. |
| Ep. | Title | Air/Pub'l | Author |
| 3-14 Recap |
Blowback? Blow me. Blowback - I'm sorry. If you title an episode "Blowback," you're just begging for a headline like that. Syd and Vaughn chase down a bomb, with Sark and Lauren following closely behind. Sloane and Dr. Nancy's lack of cleavage share a glass of wine and a secret: Sloane is Sydney's real father. And, because nothing says "cutting edge" like "repetition," we get to watch the entire first half of the show over again when it's rewound and told from Lauren and Sark's POVs. I'm all for recycling, but this is ridiculous. |
2004.03.07 2004.03.12 |
Regina |
| 3-13 Recap |
Did I mention the ass? After Six - Because the ass I smelled in the last episode is present and accounted for in this one. Lauren's a bad guy. And Sark digs that about her. And they team up to take over the Covenant. And Syd and Vaughn have a problem working together because they keep wanting to make out. And they go to a chalet in Switzerland for no good reason. And Sloane's shooting up some green goo that is never even explained. And this crap better improve when the next episode airs three weeks from now or I'm going on strike. |
2004.02.15 2004.02.20 |
Regina |
| 3-12 Recap |
Sniff sniff. Do you smell ass? Crossings - Because I certainly smell ass. And it's coming from the direction of this episode. I'm sorry, but it's true. What happens during the show, you ask? Well, there's a trip to North Korea, Lauren's still eeeeeevil, Vaughn nearly tells Syd he loves her, Isabella Rossellini kicks ass and digs around in Jack's liver, and I'm not sure if anything else happened past this point because I really zzzzzzzzzz. |
2004.01.18 2004.01.21 |
Regina |
| 3-11 Recap |
Thank you for flying Exposition Airlines Full Disclosure - There are exits at either end of the plane. Unfortunately, they're all locked, and you're trapped here for the better part of an hour, listening to Kendall tell Sydney about how she really was Julia Thorne during the Lost Years, and that the Covenant harvested some of Syd's eggs in order to plug them full of Rambaldi DNA so we could all rejoice at the second coming of a man who invented a bunch of machines that don't really do much at all. Welcome aboard. Coffee? Tea? Shotgun? Poison darts? An escape pod? Fasten your seatbelts for takeoff, dudes. It's a long ride. |
2004.01.11 2004.01.16 |
Regina |
| 3-10 Recap |
You Give Me Fever Remnants - Well, Will certainly gave Syd sumpin', but it sure as hell is hotter than a fever. In fact, it involved something resembling a condom and a generous amount of vodka. In other news, Penis Head's dead. And Sloane got him that way. Jack instructs Vaughn to leave his little girl alone, and Syd heads off to Wisconsin to do a little boot-knockin' with her old buddy Will. They also go on an assignment to recover something from Graz or something, and Sark shows up just long enough to get his ass kicked while Will takes a page out of the Spy Daddy operations book and shoves a knife into Francinator's chest. I really hope she stays dead this time. |
2003.12.07 2003.12.13 |
Regina |
| 3-9 Recap |
Dream On Conscious - Hey, remember when you saw the promos for this episode and you totally thought you'd find out what in the hell Syd was doing during the Lost Years? And how David Cronenberg was somehow involved? And how Syd kicked Lauren's ass? And how there was the promise of some hot lip action going on between Syd and Vaughn? Yeah. At least the last three parts came true. |
2003.11.30 2003.12.05 |
Regina |
| 3-8 Recap |
Papa, Can You Hear Me? Breaking Point - Yes he can, Sydney. And he's coming to git ya. Syd's being held by the NSC, and Spy Daddy drafts Shaft to go in and get her. Sloane takes a bullet for Jack, and Jack extracts it in his makeshift operating room, saving Sloane's life. Lauren earns her name back by helping Vaughn and Spy Daddy get Syd out of prison. Pruitt Taylor Vince shows up just long enough to creep all of us out with his googly eyes. |
2003.11.23 2003.12.01 |
Regina |
| 3-7 Recap |
Hell Hath No Fury Prelude - Like a Killjoy scorned. Man, this episode rules. We have ass-kicking in China, Vaughn threatening Jack in Hell-Lay, Spy Daddy murdering Chavez y Chavez in Mexico, and Syd making her scary tube-and-blood dreams a reality right in the heart of Rome. It's one hell of a fine ride in this roller coaster of an episode. And it's about goddamn time, too. Welcome back, Alias! |
2003.11.09 2003.11.15 |
Regina |
| 3-6 Recap |
The Bitch Is Back The Nemesis - That's right. Francinator's back, and she's got something of a bone to pick with Sydney. Unfortunately, we have to deal with some sideline plot about a missile-detecting device and a guy with reconstructive surgery before we can get to the Worst Girl Fight Ever. There's some naked Sark and some Spy Sexual Tension, and we get a bad explanation for the OmniAccent along the way, but the only thing we learn about the Lost Years is.well.nothing, actually. Man, that really sucks. |
2003.11.02 2003.11.07 |
Regina |
| 3-5 Recap |
Two's Company, Three's a Crowd Repercussions - And four's a damn party! Vaughn's in the hospital for a bit, recovering from his Syd-inflicted stab wound. Killjoy threatens Syd with transferal, only to recant her threat twenty-four hours later after a car chase with Syd changes her mind and turns her anger to well-formed girl love. Sloane joins the crew as a double agent with Djimon Hounsou in his pocket. Mmmm.Djimon Hounsou. Glad he's around, because Soymoan? Gone, baby. Gone. Yes, I'm crying. Shut UP. |
2003.10.26 2003.11.01 |
Regina |
| 3-4 Recap |
Missing? I'll tell you what's missing. A Missing Link - An episode that sucks is what's missing. For the first time this season, JJ and crew came up with a plot that involved Justin Theroux, Syd diving nineteen floors into a pool without being pulverized, Super Bad Spy Daddy, Elephant marital spats, angry pregnant women, Satan Sloane, a Vaughn stabbing, and the tiniest bit of Sark action. And Justin Theroux. Shirtless. Vaughn who? |
2003.10.19 2003.10.25 |
Regina |
| 3-3 Recap |
Nothing to see here, folks. Move along. Reunion - Really. No, really. The only thing interesting that happened in this episode was that part where Michael Vartan took his shirt off. Everything else was just blah blah blah satellite, blah blah blah I hate your ex-girlfriend and blah blah blah wait, did I just blink and miss Victor Garber? I've had more fun watching lint grow in my bellybutton. |
2003.10.12 2003.10.17 |
Regina |
| 3-2 Recap |
Sharon! This episode sucked! Succession - No, I'm not kidding. This episode blew. So, Syd went to a porn theatre and discovered a severed head. Big deal. Then Sark had to be traded for some German dude. Yeah. Yawn. Then Syd had to dress up in a black bob and a necktie in order to nab some other German dude. I have NO idea what the purpose of this episode was, other than to annoy and irritate me. Julio? Drinks all around. We have to deal with this in a fully inebriated manner. With straws! |
2003.10.05 2003.10.10 |
Regina |
| 3-1 Recap |
Mr. Sandman, bring me a clue The Two - Shhh. Sydney's sleeping. Oh, wait. No she's not. She's awake, and she's mad as HELL. Vaughn's married, Dixon's in charge, Spy Daddy's in prison, and Spy Barbie has a scar on her stomach the size of a Frisbee. Nothing's what it was in the season opener of Alias. |
2003.09.28 2003.10.03 |
Regina |
| 2-22 Recap |
Tell Her About It The Telling - Or tell him about it. Or tell ANYONE about it. But just, like, TELL someone, Sloane! See, Sloane puts together this Rambaldi machine called "The Telling," and he's all smug and philosophical about it, but remarkably tight-lipped about what it actually is. All we can surmise is that must be pretty fucking powerful because, by the end, Syd wakes up in Hong Kong, Francinator's dead, Vaughn's married, and Syd's been missing for two years. Yeah. I need a nap. |
2003.05.04 2003.05.12 |
Regina |
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