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Naomi employs many levels of hussy to win over Max, West Bev's resident hottie in nerd's clothing. Amateur hour includes a sexy schoolgirl routine. Intermediate level equals sexy flasher in a Burberry trench. Alas, it's all to no avail when Max tells her that her physical allure is an insufficient cover for her shallow, wretched soul. So Naomi gets -level on his ass, slathering blue body paint all over herself for what she believes will be a costume party and screening of Avatar. Except, when she arrives at the theater, she's the only girl in the room with a creepy connect-o-tail. Max's friends mock her mercilessly, sending Naomi's cheeks to a deep shade of purple. She storms out, and Max follows. He cops to being just as judgmental and cruel as she and admits he's flattered she went to these lengths to impress him. She says she likes him for realsies, and they decide to begin an inter-clique affair on the DL, starting with a smokin' hot make out session. How do you say "lady boner" in Na'vi?
After last week's little game of show-and-tell, Liam plays right into Scuzzin' Emily's hand by telling Annie they should take a break, so Scuzzin' swoops in and invites Liam for a coffee date to "talk" through his broken heart on the very night that Annie extends the olive branch. After Liam and Emily's date, she invites him inside because the rest of the Wilsons are at a movie, and she wants to ravage him. He says with some surprise that she's not the innocent bumpkin all the others think she is. Angered that others are talking trash about her, Emily goes down the list of each of Annie's friends as she walks inside, listing her various grievances. After she finishes, the lights turn on to reveal Annie has thrown a surprise birthday party for Emily and invited all her so-called friends. Served! And by Liam and Annie, no less. It's a shame so ineffable that Emily decides living with her grandmother in Arkansas is a more appealing fate than staying in the Bev Niner.
Also buying a one-way ticket on the Bitter Bitch Express is AAdrianna. She decides to shame the hell out of Silver by claiming she found evidence that long-lost Lilah was the girl with whom Navid cheated. When AAdrianna threatens to text a picture of Lilah showering to everyone at West Bev, Silver finally comes clean. Unfortunately, she also got clean in the girls locker room earlier that day, and AAdrianna still exacts her harsh revenge by texting a nudie pic of Silver to the entire student population anyway. Meh, nothing they haven't seen before.
Navid is so confident in Shirazi Studios' prospects that he hires Dixon on full-time. While out detailing Navid's Ferrari, Dixon runs into Snoop Dogg. Despite an embarrassing display of fanboy giddiness, Snoop invites to take a ride down the PCH and vibe out to his new single. All the head-bobbing distracts Dixon, which forces Navid to drive a potential client around town in Debbie's crap wagon. Would you believe the client's not impressed? Dixon prances home ecstatic about his afternoon only to get his ass handed to him by Navid. The upshot is that Dixon convinced Snoop to shoot a video at Shirazi Studios. The downside is that he and Navid kind of hate each other now.
Speaking of potheads, Ivy manages to blow the minds of both Drunky McDrunkleson Matthews (he still exists!) and her new stoner boyfriend Raj by being a weed-addicted junkie. When she erases a concerned voicemail Matthews left for MILF, Raj lectures her for being out of control, and they get into a huge fight. She tracks him down to make amends, and Raj reveals he doesn't smoke dope for recreation but lights up to relieve the pain of chemotherapy treatments for his terminal leukemia. Well there went my buzz.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Scuzzin' Emily slowly but surely insinuated her Single White Female self into Annie's life and succeeded in pushing Annie over the edge, Lifetime movie styles. Ivy joined the cast of Reefer Madness. And AAdrianna set her sights on the Girl with the Hurl Earring, a.k.a. that cheating bitch, Silver.
We open with a scene from The Importance of Being Earnest starring Scuzzin' Emily in a bit of ironic casting. Emily takes her bow, and the ladies of West Bev meet her backstage. Only after Naomi switches the bouquet they bought Emily for a bigger one, of course. I sort of suspect that Emily bought all these flowers for herself. Anyone with me? At any rate, while they're waiting for Emily, Silver giggles when she gets a text from Navid telling her to get her "sweet ass" over to where he is. AAdrianna eyes her suspiciously and asks if she can borrow Silver's phone for a minute. Silver lies that her battery just died. Too bad! Emily comes squealing into the room. They all shower her with praise, and Naomi takes the occasion to fib that she convinced Silver that the flowers they "bought" for Emily weren't too showy. As they chat about Emily's Broadway aspirations, her co-star comes into the room to congratulate Emily on a great show. The minute she leaves the room, Emily slams the door and bitches that she's always stepping on her lines. The girls wonder at this new side of Emily but brush it off as they make plans for the night.
The morning, Naomi invites Silver over to study, i.e. dance around and eat cookies before Naomi copies Silver's homework. As they talk, Naomi and nerdy Max pass each other awkwardly. They run into Annie, who has come back from her three-day suspension with her tail between her legs. They make awkward conversation until Annie admits that she's humiliated that she acted so crazy. They half-heartedly comfort her, and Annie says she's learned her lesson and wants to put the recent ugliness behind her. Silver optimistically suggests that Annie could plan a birthday party for Emily as a means of burying the hatchet. Annie is keen on this idea, so all is once again right in their shallow little world.
Meanwhile, the specter of Matthews has returned to force the children to write sonnets and read them to one another. Ol' saucer eyes Ivy loopily giggles at the dragon she's drawn on her paper, catching Matthews' attention. Just as she begins her def poetry jam, we're saved by the bell. Matthews intercepts her scurrying out and asks why she hasn't turned in her Chaucer paper that was due a week before. She promises to get it to him, plus the sonnet the she was supposed to write in class. Don't hold your breath, Matthews. Human hot boxes are no good.
Elsewhere, AAdrianna strides in as Silver and Naomi change for gym class to announce she's found out who cheated with Navid. She points squarely in Silver's direction, but Naomi assumes she's pointing past Silver, looks back, and sees Lilah, the Blaze staffer and one-time girlfriend of Navid for five seconds who's been conveniencidentally resurrected. AAdrianna gives Silver plenty of time to come clean, then ratchets up the stakes by vowing to make Lilah's life Hell. Silver argues against this plan, saying AAdrianna has no proof and adding that Lilah's a nice person. Of course, without a confession, AAdrianna will not reveal that she knows the true culprit, and Operation: Level Lilah will continue until Silver crumbles under the guilt. Credits.
Out in the hall, Emily saunters up to Liam to ask why he's been avoiding her. He tells her she took him by surprise the other night when she propositioned him like a two-dollar ho. She concedes it was inappropriate, but excuses herself for being carried away by her emotions after Annie attacked her like a rabid squirrel monkey. She sweetly promises never to come on to Liam again. He smiles that he was flattered but has a lot going on in his head right now since Annie went off the reservation. He tells her he needs time to figure things out. She strokes his arm and purrs that she's always available to talk. Well that was the world's shortest-lived promise. He tells her thanks and walks away. She watches from behind, pressing herself up against his locker like she's about to orgasm just from being in his gravitational field. You'd swear she actually thinks she's Blanche DuBois, never mind the fact that Blanche was a nutter and kind of a whore. Hell, maybe she is Blanche DuBois. Who else is so lamely manipulative, desperately sexual, and utterly deluded? Oh wait, I just described 80% of the characters on this show.
Speaking of, we join poor Max in the library as Naomi arrives in a sexy schoolgirl outfit and proclaims, "Time to get my math on!" She puts on prop glasses, slaps down a ruler, and pretends to drop something so she can bend over and give Max a prime view of her goods. Annie interrupts to announce that the apocalypse must be approaching if Naomi's in the library. Naomi gets flustered and lies that she was trying to get one of the resident dorks to do her homework. She scuttles Annie out as quickly as possible, giving a pained look at Max along the way.
Over in the cafeteria, Navid tells Dixon that a high-profile plastic surgeon is interested in filming his commercials at Shirazi Studios. While Navid attends to business, he'll need a guy like Dixon to schmooze potential clients. Since Dixon needs to start earning money for college, it's a win-win. Dixon tells Navid, "Thanks, boss." Navid blows it off: "Please... call me Mr. Shirazi." Oh, this is going to end poorly.
Elsewhere, Ivy's new stoner boyfriend Raj picks her up outside West Bev to take her to the skate park. She envies his free days as a college student, which supposedly involve watching the sun rise, bicycling to Malibu, and swimming with dolphins. Or just smoking a lot of ganja and imagining he did all that stuff, I'm guessing.
La Casa Nueva. Emily is doing her homework in the living room when Annie and Liam barrel into the kitchen mid-fight. Liam says he wants to take some time off. Annie's face crumbles, Emily's lights up.
Back at West Bev, Max enters the science lab in response to a "Science emergency" text from Naomi. She claims her problem is of the biological nature, then peels off her Burberry trench to reveal only her skivvies underneath. Max picks his chin up off the floor and quickly stammers that he's late for debate club. He tries to leave, but Naomi slams the door in front of him. She claims The Flasher is her very own Bend & Snap and, as such, works every time. When Max still insists he's not attracted to her, she asks if he's gay, which is apparently quite trendy in the wake of Teddy's coming out. Max says he's not gay. She is incredulous. Everyone is attracted to her! Max admits he finds her physically attractive, but tells her that it's just the shell surrounding all of her other wildly unattractive qualities, like how she's a shallow, stuck-up slob. Naomi calls Max harsh, but he thinks she's ridiculous to believe that he'll be into her simply because she's into him.
Gratuitous skater shots starring Fake Ivy and Fake Raj. I continue to wait for her to fall on her head. I continue to be disappointed. After the skating, Ivy lights up. Raj thinks she's been smoking a lot lately and adds that's saying a lot coming from a Grade-A stoner like him. She invites him to a skate park in Laguna the week. He thinks she shouldn't skip class, but she's mellow and doesn't give a flip. He wonders if he's a bad influence on her, but she thinks his "Seize the day" attitude is the best thing that's ever happened to her. They go back to fake skating.
Clarkette Compound. Naomi scours Facebook for clues into Max's heart while Silver writes a paper on female enfranchisement. Naomi thinks women have to work a lot harder these days, what with waxing and other entrapments. Silver snarks, "I'll see if I can work that into my paper." On the way to the kitchen, Silver notices Naomi looking at Max's profile, so Naomi lies that she looks at losers' profiles to boost her own self-esteem. She points to a plan to dress up in costume for an Avatar screening as evidence of how lame they are. Silver says she once dressed up as Princess Leia, and Naomi's ears poke up. She asks if the boys liked it. Silver says she was 10 years old, so everyone liked it.
Meanwhile, Emily finds Liam fixing up his car at a garage. She tells him she overheard his fight with Annie and invites him to dinner to "get his mind off things." She positions herself as a shoulder for him to cry on, and he takes her up on the offer. "It's a date," she chirps ominously.
Shirazi Place. Dixon walks into Navid's office as Navid makes a dinner date with the potential plastic surgeon client. The chums discuss how important appearances will be for this meeting, so Navid commissions Dixon to get the Ferrari detailed.
Casa Nueva. Emily primps for her date with Liam as Annie invites her to join the rest of the family at a movie that night. Annie says she wants to call a truce and get her life back. Emily grudgingly okays this plan but gives her regrets for the family movie date because she has "other plans" (sexually assaulting Liam, for example). Annie tells Emily the fam is grabbing dinner after the movie and will be home late. She tells Emily to have fun. Emily replies flatly, "I will."
Meanwhile, Dixon parks the Ferrari at the detailing place. He admires another car adjacent to Navid's and looks back to discover Snoop Dogg waiting for his ride. Because Navid has someone to do menial tasks like these, but super-rich, famous rappers totally prefer to take time out of their days to do this crap themselves. Dixon and Snoop chat about their mutual love of sports cars, and they hit it off fairly well until Dixon starts having some sort of epileptic fit during which he cannot control himself from rapping "Gin & Juice." Oh, if only he had started crooning the Gourds' version. I think Snoop might have actually gotten a laugh out of that one. Despite Dixon's embarrassing display fanboy gushing, Snoop invites Dixon to ride with him and listen to his new single. Dixon's all, "For real?" And Snoops hits him back, "I'm only saying it once, homebizzle."
Downtown, Neytiri Naomi struts into the screening of Avatar and discovers that she's the only one who showed up in costume. All the geeks laugh at her heartily, including Max's friends, who scornfully admit that their Facebook page posts were just an elaborate joke. They make all sorts of jokes about unobtainium and mock Naomi's choice to wear gladiator sandals on Pandora. So passé! Naomi turns around and staggers out in defeat. Max follows behind to help her out, and she takes him to task for the fact that his friends are just as arrogant and snobbish as hers. Point made, she resumes her dramatic exit when, alas! Her tail gets stuck in the door.
Snoop and Dixon cruise down the PCH, bobbing their heads to Snoop's new single. All the while, Navid is frantically calling Dixon to get his car back before his dinner meeting.
Back downtown, Max runs after Naomi to apologize. He can't believe she took a swan dive into a vat of blue paint and came to a sci-fi festival to impress him. He's flattered and says he misjudged her. He tells her she makes a smokin' hot alien, and she revels in the fact that he finally admitted he was attracted to her. She returns to coy Naomi, and he immediately backs off again. She calls out to him and lays her cards on the table. She confesses that she went this far because she actually likes him for his humor, intelligence, confidence, and nerdy hotness. He grabs her by the Na'vi tail, pulls him into her, and they make out furiously. He comes up for air, saying they need to keep their little cross-clique tryst on the DL because it could really hurt his reputation. She agrees entirely, and they resume "seeing" each other. In public. In broad daylight. Yeah, these two are real strategic masterminds. At least wipe the blue off of your face before going back into the theater, Max.
MILF Manor. Ivy returns home with Raj to find a concerned message from Matthews to MILF on their answering machine. She doesn't bat an eyelash before erasing it. Raj thinks she's gone too far and is wrecking her life by skipping school and smoking pot all day. She calls him a hypocrite for doing exactly what she's doing and thinking it's fine because he's in college. He storms out.
That night, Navid drives his plastic surgeon client around town and gives him the hard sell for Shirazi Studios. Eventually, the camera pans out to show that Navid is driving around in the crap wagon. The plastic surgeon squirms uncomfortably as he grabs a handful of sunflower seeds out from under his ass and puts them in the ashtray. First impression fail.
Liam walks Emily back to the door of La Casa Nueva. She coyly invites him inside, promising that Annie and the rest of the family won't be inside. He comments that she's not as innocent as people think and that he likes her edge. He keeps going, telling her she's not the country bumpkin that Silver, AAdrianna, and Naomi have pegged her to be. Riled up by these comments, she walks into the dark house and verbally goes down her shit list, calling Naomi ugly, Silver a loud-mouth know-it-all, and AAdrianna dumb as a bag of hammers. As she reaches the living room, Annie turns on the lights and says with no small amount of satisfaction, "Surprise!" Taking Silver's advice, Annie planned a birthday party for Emily and invited all her so-called friends. Who have now heard the Scuzzin's tirade. Liam walks over to Annie and drapes his arm over her shoulder as he admits that he was more than happy to take part in this set-up. While AAdrianna and Silver -- who clearly have no self-awareness -- look on at the deceit with disgust, Naomi can appreciate a good subterfuge, so she joins Annie and Liam as they smile smugly. Naomi clacks past Emily, saying, "Your life at West Bev is over."
Shirazi Place. Dixon returns with his head in the clouds while Navid is wallowing. Dixon apologizes for returning late with Navid's car and tries to tell Navid some great news. Navid shuts him down, yelling he's the boss and that Dixon has to do what he says from now on if he wants to keep his job. After Navid's wraps up his rampage, Dixon tells Navid that Snoop Dogg is going to shoot his video at Shirazi Studios the . He tosses the Ferrari keys back at Navid and spits, "And your car is clean... boss."
La Casa Nueva. Emily finishes packing up her stuff. Debbie thinks it's an abrupt departure, but Emily claims it's good timing now that the play has closed. Barely concealing her rage, she lies that living with her grandmother in Arkansas will be "a better situation." Debbie says it's a shame, and Annie echoes her words with thinly veiled self-satisfaction. Now git, Em'lee! Time to do some firsthand research for Winter's Bone 2!
The day, Naomi and her posse pass Max and his geek squad as they walk through the halls. Each gives the other a passing glance and acknowledges what sexed-up bad asses they are.
Come lunch time, Ivy catches up with Raj at the skate park to ask what went wrong between them the other day. He claims he doesn't want to be responsible for messing up her life. She insists he makes it better with his joy and free spirit. He tells her it's not as simple as she thinks, telling her that he smokes pot to ease his pain post-chemo. He tells her he has leukemia, which is also why he lives with his parents. She tries to see the silver lining, asking if everything will be better after he finishes treatment. He says no, he's got three or four years tops to live. All Ivy can do is sit there, taking it all in silently.
Back at West Bev, Silver joins AAdrianna for lunch. AAdrianna rails on Emily for being a two-faced phony. Silver joins in on the righteous indignation until AAdrianna segues to Lilah, also a supposedly two-faced phony. She shows Silver a naked locker room picture of Lilah that she plans to e-mail to all of West Bev in retribution for Lilah's cheating. AAdrianna revels in the humiliation Lilah will face, predicting gleefully that she might even drop out of school. Silver tries to dissuade AAdrianna, but AAdrianna thinks Lilah deserves it for being AAdrianna's friend -- that she never talked to since they were in a band together for three minutes, during which AAdrianna stole Navid from Lilah. But that's not the point. The point is that AAdrianna wants Silver to save Lilah by admitting that she (Silver) was the one who cheated with Navid. And so Silver finally does. Then AAdrianna sends the e-mail anyway. Silver can't believe what a vindictive hag AAdrianna is. Then AAdrianna tells Silver to check her phone. Silver pulls up the e-mail, and it's a naked locker room picture of her -- not one of Lilah. Suddenly, every phone at school begins dinging, and Silver lies alone in the bed that she made for herself. Probably thinking, "Did they really just put me in a hybrid between a recycled Annie plot and an SVU episode? Why me, God? Why?????!!!!!!!"