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AAdrianna tries her hand at reality TV, but LC she ain't. After filming hours of mind-numbing footage griping about Navid dumping her (with what was perhaps Ivy's only worthwhile scene... ever), she tries desperation on for size and asks Navid to help her after he and Dixon reinvent Shirazi Studios as a music video location. Their first artist is Nelly, who shames the shit out of AAdrianna by telling his lackeys, "Yo, get this girl outta here before she steals one of my songs." After being shot down like a lone wolf in Palin country, her humiliation spawns an angry confrontation with Navid that results in his revealing that he cheated. Lucky for AAdrianna, this humiliation and her maniacal plan for revenge make for great reality TV!
Scuzzin' Emily, local theater star du jour, devises new and delicious way to humiliate intern Annie, such as sending her on runs for frozen yogurt. The horror! She turns one of these errands to her advantage by partially disrobing and hitting on Liam under the guise of "running lines." Annie finds them lap-on-lap at precisely the wrong time and brings the pain. When Liam takes up for a (fake) crying Emily, Annie tells him to take a hike.
Speaking of which, Naomi gets stuck in the woods with her nerdy-hiding-cute lab partner -- the very same who inspired this unfortunate display, I suspect. She ropes him into stalking the guru-cum-con-artist who swindled her trust fund. Through a feat of sheer dorkery, they realize that the guru has used Naomi's cash to buy 10 acres of protected land, on which she is legally forbidden to build. They snap a shot of an endangered animal, present it to her lawyers, and Naomi gets her money back. But it's a bittersweet victory when she realizes -- gasp! -- that she has a crush on a dweeb.
And Teddy starts skipping school after being harassed by homophobes. Silver takes him up to the roof to play with balls, just like old times! Teddy serves a tennis ball right into a sexy soccer player's face, but it turns out that the soccer stud plays for Teddy's team, which means that our newest friend of Dorothy has officially gone over the rainbow.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Naomi got conned by a yoga guru. Annie, too, by her part-stealin' scuzzin' Emily. Teddy, as well, by his former boyfriend-turned-blackmailer Ian. As did many underage girls by Navid's porn producer dad. And America writ large by this show's writers if we think AAdrianna's dumb enough to not notice a single sparkly earring (matching the one she found in Navid's bedroom) just below Silver's Bieber mop. Okay, to be fair, maybe burgeoning reality star AAdrianna is actually that dumb...
Beach club. AAdrianna and Naomi hash out Navid's cheatin' ways over breakfast while Silver sits by uncomfortably. Naomi snarks that she has trouble believing Navid could even get a side piece, then covers her ass by blaming "the slut who seduced him." Just as AAdrianna begins to speculate on who that slut might be, Silver leaps to Navid's defense and suggests that the earring AAdrianna found might have belonged to one of Navid's million sisters. AAdrianna concedes this is a possibility, then someone in the background yells, "Cut!" They're filming AAdrianna's reality show, and she is super-excited. Silver, not so much. Naomi Heidi Montags, "I can be your posse... maybe you could be mine?" Silver wonders if it's right to trash Navid on national television. The others are unremorseful. The director sets them up for another scene, with his only real direction being, "Silver, try not to look like you're being tortured, 'kay?"
Elsewhere, Navid wraps up breakfast with his mother. His mom gets the check. The waiter notices their last name is Shirazi and uncouthly asks, "You related to that kiddie porn guy?" Navid blanches a bit before lying that they're not.
West Bev. Silver and Teddy sit in class while their teacher discusses Alexander the Great's controversial legacy. Some wiseacre takes this as a cue to lob a homophobic barb Teddy's way. Silver notices his chagrin.
That night, rehearsals get going at Annie's new theater. Even though not all the actors have arrived, she starts passing out the scripts, introduces herself, and offers her services as the resident intern and beck-and-call girl. Her boss takes her aside to thank her for being so understanding and helpful even though she didn't get the part. Annie says she was just happy to get an audition. The director calls the cast to order just as the last actress arrives. And who is it, but scuzzin' Emily? She takes her script as if there's nothing wrong with this picture, and a betrayed Annie looks on in shock and horror. Credits.
The morning, Annie moans to Debbie about Emily's underhandedness. As Debbie tries to pacify Annie, Emily stumbles into the conversation. She plays innocent, claiming the director convinced her to audition, and she just did it for a lark. Annie is having none of it, and even Debbie thinks keeping the news from Annie was a little sketchy. Emily apologizes and offers to quit if it means that much to Annie. Of course Annie, hag that she is, thinks that's a great idea, not that Emily would actually follow through on her promise.
West Bev. Naomi texts her way through geology lab, completely unbothered when her nerdy new lab partner Max takes a seat to her. She refuses to put on goggles and doesn't bat an eyelash when he asks about the soil samples she was supposed to bring to class. Her phone rings, and she takes the call from her lawyer as poor Max toils away with his soils. In short, Naomi's lawyer says his hands are tied to get her trust fund money back. She hangs up and takes her frustration out on Max.
Out in the hall, Navid tells Dixon about their run-in with the rude waiter. He says he's thought of a way to reclaim his family name: Turn the porn studio into a legitimate filming location for rent. Navid wants to start small by doing training films and local commercials, but Dixon thinks that's lame. He suggests music videos and knows just where to start.
They head over to Ivy's MILF's office. While they wait, they see a big-time producer with clients like Young Jeezy, Nicki Minaj, and Nelly. Dixon tells Navid to walk with him and play along, so they stroll past the producer talking about how Cee-Lo was raving after he filmed at Shirazi Studios. They "coincidentally" recognize the producer and give him the spiel on Shirazi Studios, denying any affiliation with the porntastic Shirazi Studios of old. He asks if they have any openings this week, and they claim they can fit him in thanks to a recent cancellation. The producer gives them his card and tells them to call him about a pick-up shoot for Nelly. He leaves for his meeting, and Navid literally jumps on top of Dixon in excitement. They realize how HoYay! this moment just was and immediately play it cool. Too late.
West Bev. Teddy is conspicuously missing from his class with Silver.
Out in the lounge, Navid makes all the business arrangements for the Nelly shoot while Dixon fills in all the fanboy information. He says they absolutely must have candy corn because it's Nelly's favorite. Navid thinks it's more important for them to have all the equipment, but Dixon says it'll all work out as he pops in his earbuds and grooves to "Country Grammar."
Out in the parking lot, Naomi sweet talks a cheerleader so she can borrow her. Just as she's about to take off, Max intercepts her to ask why she didn't show up in lab that day with her soil samples. She says she has more important things to do, but he thinks it's important to maintain his perfect GPA so he can get into MIT. She tells him to save his own ass by doing her work, but he refuses to cheat. He hops in her car, hell-bent to force her to collect soil samples wherever she's going.
Abbott Playhouse. The cast plays theater games as Annie does grunt work. She gets a phone call from Liam, who makes plans to stop by the theater soon. Their conversation catches the jealous attention of Emily, who devises to send Annie away on a frozen yogurt run.
Naomi and Max reach their destination: The groundbreaking ceremony for her con artist guru's spiritual center. The guru asks everyone to take a moment of silence in appreciation of the land. Naturally, the moment is interrupted when Naomi pulls up barking from her bullhorn that the guru is a fraud. "My bikini waxer is more spiritual," she blares, then attempts to lead a chant of, "Screw you, guru!" Nobody joins in. Naomi spots a reporter and tries to get him to write up her story. Instead, he makes fun of her for being a typical trust fund kid. Even the supplicants have a good chuckle at that one, and the guru gives Naomi a patronizing "Namaste" for the road.
Naomi runs off, and Max follows to make sure she's okay. She tells him she's not and updates him on her crisis of confidence post-swindle. She admits that she just wanted to feel special and important. Max likens her situation to The Matrix, or as Naomi knows it, "the movie with the hideous leather coats." Max assures her she's not lame for wanting to feel significant because everyone feels that way. She begins to soften to him, only to be reminded of his horrifying nerdiness when he jizzes himself over a rare owl flapping its wings overhead. He tells her all about how the bird is essentially endangered in California. She puts two and two together, and they realize that the state would not be able to sell this land if they can prove it's the bird's habitat, meaning she could get her money back. Naomi makes like Snuffaluffagus and tells Max to "Follow That Bird!"
AAdrianna's house. The camera crew films as Ivy sits by with an expression of disgust (mainly at herself) and disinterest as AAdrianna yammers on about her break-up with Navid, involving an especially unsavory dream in which AAdrianna ends up kissing Perez Hilton. A nightmare, indeed. The director groans that Ivy won't stop looking in the camera, so Ivy suggests they cut her out of the show. AAdrianna insists she needs a "posse." The director says the real problem is that watching AAdrianna's life has thus far been somewhere below watching paint dry on the thrill factor. AAdrianna thinks the show should be about her career and comeback. Asks the director, "What comeback?" Feeling a pang of empathy, Ivy suggests AAdrianna could get a part in the video Navid and Dixon are shooting. AAdrianna thinks her prayers have been answered.
Across town, Liam arrives at the playhouse, where Emily is conveniently waiting at the front door. Emily tells him Annie's on an errand, then coyly invites him to run lines with him.
Shirazi Studios. Dixon pours an industrial-sized bag of candy corn into a bowl and congratulates Navid for pulling everything together at the last minute. Before they can even wipe the sweat off their brows, AAdrianna parades in with her camera crew and asks if Navid can convince Nelly to let her cameo in his video. He tells her he doesn't care about her reality show and tells her to get out of there before she damages his business. After he walks off, the producer suggests AAdrianna go over Navid's head and talk to Nelly herself. She doesn't want to go behind Navid's back, but the producer says her show depends on it.
AAdrianna swallows her pride and approaches Nelly. He doesn't recognize her at first and asks if she's a dancer. She wells up with hope and tells him she can dance. Suddenly he places her as "the chick who stole the songs from that dead Mexican dude." He calls his people to get her out of there before she steals one of his songs, too. Nelly leaves for his trailer while the big-shot producer interrogates AAdrianna. She says she's a friend of Navid's, but Navid comes over and denies it. The producer angrily tells Navid he's going to have to talk Nelly out of his trailer, calls Navid an amateur, and says Navid is responsible for any overtime due to the setback.
Navid storms outside to confront AAdrianna. They think the cameras are turned off, so they have it out. She thinks he's ruined her chance for a comeback. He accuses her of being self-absorbed and insensitive. She asks if that's why he cheated, and his silence speaks volumes. He admits he cheated and apologizes... for not breaking up with her a long time ago. The director smugly calls cut. He pays no mind to AAdrianna's crumpled face as he congratulates her for finally bringing the drama and asks whether Navid will sign a release.
That night, Silver brings Teddy up to the roof to take out their issues by batting at some tennis balls, like old times. He loosens up as he hits a couple balls and unloads his anger with Ian and the other kids' treatment of him. He knows he can't go back into the closet, and Silver asks if that's what he really wants. She tells him that if he's being honest, things can only get better. He wonders how as he serves a tennis ball down into the parking lot... and right into some guy's face. They run downstairs to find the hapless passerby and apologize. The guy turns out to be a soccer stud named Marco, who is remarkably cool considering. Teddy explains that Silver was talking him through a break-up. "Wow, somebody must've really pissed you off," guesses Marco. "Yeah... he did," says Teddy. Marco's one remaining good eye lights up a bit at this. He says he's been there, then writes his number on Teddy's tennis ball and suggests Teddy make it up to him with a free tennis lesson some time. Silver gives Teddy a big, "I told you so."
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Over in the pitch-black forest, Max tells Naomi that bird watchers can go years without seeing the bird they want to see. "Or getting laid," snarks Naomi. Max thinks it might be time to give up, but Naomi is no quitter.
Abbott Playhouse. Liam runs lines with Emily as she starts disrobing. This gives him pause, but she claims it's part of the scene. He scours the script quizzically. She scoots closer, drapes herself all over him, then finally climbs into his lap as he continues to read the lines uncomfortably and pull the script closer to him like a makeshift shield. Just as Emily is about to go in for the kill, Annie finally returns from her fro yo run and plays into Emily's plan by assuming all the wrong things. She goes from zero to bitch-fit in 0.2 seconds, especially after Liam defends Emily and Emily starts pouring down the crocodile tears. Annie tells them both to eff off.
Shirazi Studios. After a few gratuitous hoochie dancing shots, the video wraps. The producer shoots Navid dagger eyes, but Nelly has a change of heart after consuming a couple of pounds of candy corn. He tells the producer they'll have to shoot there again. The producer begrudgingly tells them he'll be in touch and leaves the boys to have a congratulatory slap fight at their against-the-odds success.
Back out in the woods, Max continues to rain on Naomi's parade as they trudge through the darkness. He's interrupted when they hear the endangered owl warbling. Naomi pulls out her flash-equipped iPhone, and they snap a picture. The morning, they present their findings to the guru and her lawyer. He advises her to back out before she gets caught in a PR shit storm. With that, she heads for some cow carcass at In-n-Out (as good gurus do), and Naomi gets her money back. As she gives Max a big hug, a look of revulsion crosses her face. She recoils, snatches up her purse, and flees the room.
Navid's mom enters his room at home. He tells her he has a gift for her -- a framed 10-dollar bill. He says that was his net profit after the video shoot yesterday. It wasn't much, but he came by it honestly. He tells her Shirazi 2.0 is in effect and promises her everything will be okay.
Over at Naomi's lawyer's office, they finalize the paperwork to reinstate her trust fund. He wonders why she isn't happier to get back her money. She says she has a bigger problem than money now: She has a crush on a nerd. Egad!
La Casa Nueva. Emily pops in on Annie as she brushes her teeth for the night. She weeps an innocent apology for the misunderstanding with Liam, but Annie isn't buying it. Seeing that her facade has cracked, Emily turns off the Kansas Girl act. She unleashes her venom on Annie for looking down on her and calling her a stalker. She tells Annie the tables have turned. Annie says she'll tell everyone what Emily is doing, but Emily makes a valid point. Between a corn-fed Midwestern girl and a hobo killer, who would you believe? She turns on some fake tears for about 3.5 seconds to show how quickly she can destroy Annie, then turns back on her bitchface and hisses, "Goodnight."
Silver visits AAdrianna, who is sitting in a river of her own eyeliner. She updates Silver that Navid admitted cheating but didn't say with whom. Silver suggests that AAdrianna should move on and take charge of her own happiness. AAdrianna says she knows just what would make her happy: "Getting revenge on the skank he cheated with. That's why I'm going to find out who this [earring] belongs to, and I'm going to destroy her." Fade to black.
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week: Emily begins her smear operation against Annie. Cat fights ensue.
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