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Dixon finally tells Ivy that he had an HIV scare, but it's too late, because she already went and gave her V-card to Ausscar. She gives Dixon the "I need time to think" speech, and then confides in her mom that she lost her virginity to the same young fella that mom was banging all summer long. Good times. Then Ausscar feels the need to loop Ivy in on the situation, all as part of a plan to get back at Cougar Mommy for breaking up his family and driving his own mom to an overdose.
On the Annie front, she's being wooed by Liam's brother as he talks about The Muppets Take Manhattan in French. He's a throughful playwright, and she decides she wants to crash his play, even though he specifically told her not to. She finds out that Charlie likes to write messed-up serial killer shit. But at a party she decides that he's a nice guy, and they hook up while the dulcet tones of Chris Isaak play in the background. Also, Charlie has a mystery scar.
Liam, on the other hand is trying to make Annie jealous, and find a new job. He ends up modeling at some American Apparel/Abercrombie/Hollister/American Eagle store wearing just jeans in the window and showing off his abs. Then he gets hired by some lady to be her errand boy and live in her pool house. Upgrade from his car. And from getting sprayed in the face by cologne. Turns out that the rich lady is mom to Peppy Lori, the obsessive girl who won him at the bachelor auction and now feels the need to save him. Also, Liam has a mystery scar.
AAdrianna's new manager is sleazier than ever, and wants cash if Silver's documentary/senior project makes money. He also wants AAdrianna to pose topless to gain success. Naturally, Silver's documentary takes the audio of a moment of sleazeball manager blackmailing AAdrianna. What would we do on this show if Silver's documentaries didn't secretly capture every secret that people are keeping? Anyway, AAdrianna tries to quit, but realizes that being famous is way more fun, so goes along with her manager's plan. That's going to go so great. I can just tell.
Over at the beach club, Jen is calling her baby "Jacques" and gets all uppity when Naomi stops by to see her new nephew. Naturally, Ryan had to coax Naomi to go here, but she's here and Jen's a bitch. Best part? Debbie calls her a bitch. That's cool. Silver, who just happens to be with Naomi for no real reason, even though this seems to be happening simultaneously with the topless photo shoot session that she was also at, has to leave her after four minutes because she's got mandatory school therapy sessions (that apparently aren't during school hours?). She mentions Kelly (Kelly!) and while we don't get to see her, Jen overhears Silver and Naomi's conversation about Mr. Cannon being a gross rapist thanks to the baby monitor. Jen has something akin to a human emotion and wants to kill Cannon, but eventually Ryan calms them both down and they're friendly... and Mr. Cannon is still a rapist.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Sleazeball manager caught AAdrianna stealing songs from a dead kid, Naomi's sister popped out her kid, Naomi was still dealing with Cannon being a rapist, Dixon thought he had AIDS, and Ivy ran off to hook up with Ausscar.
It's bright and early in Ivy's bedroom, and as the alarm goes off she realizes that she's naked in bed with Ausscar. She doesn't seem pleased about this. I can't say as I blame her. Even though I don't like her and her gross hair, no one deserves Ausscar. He's trying to beg her to stay in bed and skip school by being "charming"... or showing off his lack of clothing. That's a strategy, I suppose. Their banter is interrupted by a knock on her door by MILF. Now, those doors are frosted glass. Wouldn't you think that she could see shadows of more than one person in her daughter's room. Or hear another voice? Especially the familiar voice of the guy that she herself has been sleeping with? Anyway, she's oblivious and informs Ivy that Dixon is at their house and wants to talk to her.
Dixon wants to explain his position, but Ivy says that she gets that he's still into Sasha and doesn't want details of his sexy affair with an older woman. Again, I really dislike Ivy, but I can't say as I blame her here. Dixon says that he's not into Sasha, reveals that he thought he was HIV-positive for a hot minute and panicked. He's all apologetic, Ivy gets a look of horror on her face as she realizes that she slept with Ausscar and her actual boyfriend is still an option. Then Ausscar walks out all smug-looking, Ivy says she needs to think about things and shuffles them off. Then MILF walks in and tells Ausscar about this thing called privacy, since she'd like to see her daughter happy. She says that her relationship with Ivy is the only thing she's ever done right, which Ausscar takes as an opening to hit on her.
In the hallowed halls of West Beverly, Mr. Matthews tries to get Naomi to look at a picture of her new nephew, but she's not interested in anything Jen-related. Well, until she sees the photo of Jack/Jacques. Wouldn't Facebook, or a text message have been easier?
Liam is walking all broody down the stairs when he's accosted by Laura. She's the girl who won him at the bachelor auction, and thinks he's her for-real boyfriend. She wants him to go to concerts, but he basically tells her to bug off, until he sees Annie. Then he feeds into Laura's obsessive fantasies some more. She's so ridiculously peppy that she thinks his hot-and-cold act is sexy.
At a French restaurant, Annie is with Liam's brother Charlie, all impressed that the wait staff doesn't speak in English. She asks Charlie to wow her with some French phrases, and he talks about The Muppets Take Manhattan being his favorite Muppet film. I'm not fluent in French, but I picked up on the word "Muppet" pretty quickly. Annie, on the other hand, is like, "that sounds so amazingly romantic and not pretentious at all. What could it possibly mean?" She asks when she'll finally get to see one of his plays, and he says that he's staging a reading the day, but that he's not ready for her to see his work yet. Big red flag. Then he talks in French, and she's distracted.
In a studio somewhere, AAdrianna is recording that same goddamned funeral song that she's been doing for a while now. She can't seem to get the right notes, and sleezeball manager comes in and wants to know what the hell her problem is. Inside the soundproofed room, she explains that she doesn't want to record more of Javier's songs, she wants to do her own originals. Sleazeball thinks that is not a good way to make money. He's probably right. In the meantime, Silver and Navid are hanging outside and see them chatting, but are oblivious to all of the blackmailing happening inside. Silver just wants to do her senior project on AAdrianna, if her jerky manager will allow it. Sleazeball heads into the studio to ask for permission, but he's distracted by a call that says that AAdrianna is going to be in some Luxury (a Maxim knockoff) magazine about up-and-coming musicians. (Using the term "musicians" loosely here.) Then Sleazeball makes inappropriate comments about Silver's legs and tells her that she can film her bestie, so long as he gets his fair cut of any future profits. Charming!
MILF mom is lunching with Jen and Debbie, discussing plans for the upcoming 30th anniversary party for her record label. Jen wants to go with a retro theme, gets shot down and then blames that on Debbie. Debbie gets in a dig about Jen wanting a lava lamp, and I'm liking Deb more and more. Ivy can't wait five freaking minutes and interrupts this business meeting so she can talk to MILF about the status of her virginity.
Back at West Bev, Annie tells Naomi all about her new boyfriend speaking French. Naomi quips that she'd like to know what the word for "barf" in French is. I'm with ya, sister. Anyway, Annie is oblivious to Naomi's pain and starts going on and on about how smart and talented and sweet and romantic Charlie is. Naomi wonders if Annie has seen any of his plays. No. But she thinks they are just sweet and light and about puppies and unicorns and mimes and red balloons. She then tells Naomi that Charlie's doing a reading that day, but he doesn't want her to come. Since Annie speaks "guy" about as well as she speaks French, Naomi informs her that this really means that he does want her to come, but he doesn't want to appear needy. She advises Annie to show up at the reading wearing a raincoat and nothing else. Ah, the good old standby.
Seemingly simultaneously, AAdrianna is at her photo shoot in an itty-bitty dress. I say seemingly because Navid and Silver are both there, and I would think they should be at school? At least Silver can say she's working on a school project; what's Navid's excuse? Sleazeball wants AA to push her C cups up, and then says she should go topless... you know, tastefully. When Silver and Navid try and talk some sense into her, and tell Sleazeball he's a jerk, he kicks them all out of the room and tells Silver she can get her camera later. It's totally obvious that's not going to blow up on him or anything. Right? AAdrianna says that she knows her own limits and tells Navid not to worry about her.
Liam is at a restaurant begging for a waiter job, or even bussing tables. Some suited-up guy in a bar propositions him, saying that he might have a job for him. Totally not shady at all. But it isn't prostitution, like I figured; he wants him to take off his shirt and stand in the window of the local Aeropostale & Fitch Eagle Apparel store.
At casa de Jen, she's talking plans for MILF's party with Debbie when Naomi and Silver show up. Wasn't Silver just at AAdrianna's photo shoot? When did she get over here? Is this the same day? I'm overthinking this show... aren't I? Anyway, Naomi comes bearing a not-particularly-cute teddy bear, and Jen presumes that it has a nanny cam in it. Naomi says she's there just to meet the baby, and Debbie says that she'll take them up to the nursery. Jen tries to stop her, because they have "grubby teenage hands." Debbie: "Jen, don't be a bitch." She doesn't want either girl holding Jack/Jacques, as Deb takes them upstairs. Jen immediately starts stabbing teddy with a pen and ripping him to shreds.
Upstairs, Jack/Jacques gets fawned over, and Debbie goes to get him a bottle. Silver tells Naomi that she has to head out, even though they've been there approximately 45 seconds. But Silver's got a school-mandated therapy session with Kelly. Kelly! I kinda miss her. Anyway, she says that she told Kelly it was just an inappropriate crush she had on Cannon, but that the sessions are totally confidential, and she wishes that Naomi would let her tell Kelly about Cannon getting all rapey. What's not confidential? This conversation, as Jen and the remains of the teddy bear are hearing the whole thing via baby monitor. As Naomi comes downstairs, Jen shows some human emotions and asks Naomi to tell her the truth. Naomi isn't buying the sisterly love, given that teddy is all shredded on the couch.
Back at Aeropostale & Fitch Eagle Apparel, Navid and Dixon are harassing Liam through a plate glass window. Apparently, even though Navid didn't actually go to school on this given day, Liam's new job is the talk of West Bev. And you'd think, given that Dixon knows of Liam's financial circumstances, he'd cut the guy some slack about his current job, but he's not. He's a jerky teenage boy asking if Liam's taking his pants off at any point during this show. Navid just takes pictures of "Pretty Boy." Liam leaves the window, and asks suit guy if he can take a break. Some other shirtless guy does some push-ups and eagerly takes his place. Then suit guy sprays Liam with their signature scent, Eau de Douchebag. Then some very young teen girls get Liam to climb up on a ladder so they can feel his ass. Laura sees this and Blair Waldorfs her way in -- well, as much of a Blair Waldorf as this show can muster -- telling the drooling masses to get lost. She wants to know why Liam is doing such a degrading job; she doesn't comprehend the idea of working for a living, apparently. She offers to help/save him, but he not-so-politely declines.
Annie sneaks into Charlie's play. There are four actors on stage reading dialogue and stage directions about screaming and punching, and brutal beatings and killing girlfriends and whatnot. Some fanboys sit in the back saying he's twisted and the Tarantino. Annie, who is wearing more than a raincoat, looks horrified and leaves.
At MILF Central, MILF sees Ausscar on the couch and asks what his problem is. He says it was a mistake and he only slept with Ivy because MILF had turned him down. He claims to be deeply sorry, as she asks him to leave. She also tells him that Ivy can never know that Ausscar and MILF had sex a lot. He agrees.
In AAdrianna's room, she's struggling with a People magazine crossword puzzle. Navid thinks she's joking. She's not. Hey, whatever happened to AA's crazy stage mom who forced her to be an actress and basically sent her down the path to drugs? You think she'd be all over Sleazeball trying to find ways to exploit her kid for cash. Anyway, Navid got a Google alert saying that there's a sneak peek of AA's photo shoot. She has never heard of Google alerts, and seems confused that this could have possibly been leaked on the internet. Yeah. She's a genius. Naturally, they are topless photos (they could be used on the cover of "Holding Your Own Boobs Monthly". Navid (whose father is, I believe, a porn movie director) looks horrified and storms out saying that he can't believe Victor (a.k.a. Sleazeball) made her do it. She says she loves the pics, and then goes back to figuring out her challenging crossword clue, "___ Rand, wrote the Fountainhead" and it's three letters. "Could that be Rob?" She wonders aloud. It could be... but who the hell is that?
Ryan shows up at Jen's, but she's busy with party planning and wants him to watch their baby. She also wants the teacher directory she had him obtain. He wants to know why, and she says it is because she's either going to kill or castrate Mr. Cannon. Good plan! She explains that he raped Naomi, and then Ryan has to fill her in on the whole "girl who cried wolf" thing. She says that her sister wasn't lying here, and Jen knows from lying. She says that it happened after the "Pass the Torch" party. Ryan admits that he was drunk and crashed into the West Bev sign and didn't tell anyone for fear of getting fired, but he saw Cannon and Naomi through the window and he saw his colleague creepily closing the blinds. Jen encourages Ryan to come forward to help Naomi's case. I'm so confused about Jen's sudden display of human decency in this episode. Like, what's in it for her? Very unsettling.
At the beach club, MILF introduces a band of over-eyeshadowed young ladies, and welcomes everyone to the big party. There's very little "décor" aside from some CDs hanging, so I'm not sure what the point of the meeting was. AAdrianna and Naomi spot Annie and ask her how the play was and if she wore the raincoat. She didn't, and she's all freaked out because Charlie's work is dark and twisty, and she just got out of a relationship with a psychopathic stalker, so she's worried that she's chosen another freak. Meanwhile, what the hell is she wearing? It's like a Jedi cloak with pleats. And her hair is in an old-lady updo. As she's explaining her concerns, Charlie sneaks up on her, and after she calms down she introduces him to her friends.
At Aeropostale & Fitch Eagle Apparel, Liam is helping a woman find clothing for her daughter. She seems like she's into him or something and may want to date him, and is horrified when she sees suit guy spraying him down with Eau de Douchebag. She offers him a job at her house doing errands. Then Sandra finds out that Liam is living in his car and offers to let him stay in her pool house. OMG. It's just like when Peter Gallagher brought Ryan home on The O.C.. Do you think this means we'll get a Seth Cohen? Oh, wouldn't that be a happy day.
Navid's at the Blaze offices editing the "paper," and Silver's working on her project. They're trying to finish up so they can go to the party. Who cares about the music execs getting on the guest list, let's make sure all the annoying kids at West Bev are invited. Anyway, while Silver is syncing audio, they watch Sleazeball kicking everyone out, and then realize that the audio was still recording after they left the room. Silver and Navid find out about the blackmailing and look horrified. Silver's taping stuff has really come in handy. It helped Teddy get back together with her before they forgot he was on this show. It helped her realize that Naomi wasn't lying about Mr. Cannon being a rapist. It helped her get Mr. Cannon to hit on her. So useful.
At MILF's party for teenagers, AAdrianna is talking to the overeyeshadowed band when Navid walks up and asks her point blank what dirt Sleazeball has on her. He asks in front of people. Strangers, even. Does he not understand that it was a secret and maybe she didn't want everyone knowing and that's why she took her top off and stuff? Guess not. She tells him the truth about stealing Javier's songs, and then asks if Navid hates her. I'd be like, "You're reprehensible and a moron," but he doesn't say that. He acts concerned about her, and worries about Sleazeball and the blackmailing. He does tell her that she did a bad thing, but she isn't a bad person... if she does the right thing. That can only mean she'll do the wrong thing.
Annie and her ugly updo are wandering around, and she sees Charlie bump into some jerky guy and spill drinks. Instead of starting a fight, he calmly tells the guy he doesn't want to fight and will pay for his dry cleaning. Annie's totally impressed, and tells him she's pleasantly surprised, because she snuck into his play and expected him to go into a violent 'roid rage. He briefly seems irked that she didn't tell him, but then decides to go with flattered that she wanted to see his play so badly. More French.
Ryan pulls Naomi aside and asks for the truth, explaining that he saw her but he was drunk. She gets that he could lose his job, and doesn't expect him to say anything. He says he doesn't care, encourages her to press charges for herself or for other future victims. Ryan also says that Jen might kill Mr. Cannon if he isn't prosecuted.
Ivy is moping at the bar. As all teenagers do. MILF advises her to talk to Dixon. Ausscar comes over and says there is some tension because MILF knows that he had sex with Ivy, but Ivy doesn't know that he banged MILF all summer long. She looks stricken and drives off in her ugly jeep.... which is surprisingly not valet parked. On her way out, she tells MILF that she's a whore.
Naomi finds Jen and asks her not to kill rapey teacher, and Naomi says she's appreciative of the gesture. She then says that she tried to fix the damaged teddy bear, and since it is missing a leg, it is a lesson in tolerance. And she wants Naomi to visit Jack/Jacques again. Who is she? Talk about a character 180.
Sleazeball takes advantage of the valet at the world's longest party. From day to night... ugh. He finds Aadrianna, and she tells him that he can expose her, because she can't do this lying stuff anymore. He's sad about this because her topless pics made the cover of month's Luxury magazine. She's a famewhore, so she decides that even though she hates Sleazeball's methods, she'll stick with him and record all of Javier's songs for her new album.
At the pool house, Liam is settling in... until he sees who else is living at the house. It's Laura. She's all giggly and so proud of herself for getting her mom to hire him. She says that mom can't know that they dated (which they didn't) and that they have to be friends (even though he clearly hates her guts). He says nothing can ever happen between them. She says she gets it, compares their situation to Bella and Edward. She's horrible. I hate her. He bends over, she sees a scar on his back, and he says he doesn't want to talk about it.
Somewhere Charlie and Annie are making out. It looks like it could be at the beach club, but the cabanas have been really upgraded since Dylan lived here. Anyway, she takes Charlie's shirt off, sees that he has some similar scars to the one that Liam has. Charlie brushes it off saying he got it as a kid. He says that he's not violent, but other people are.
Ausscar is still at the bar at this NEVERENDING party, when MILF walks up. She is all pissed that he told Ivy about the banging. He says that she destroyed his family when she slept with his dad. His dad was so in love with MILF that he dumped Ausscar's mother, even though MILF didn't want him. Ausscar's mommy started drinking and doing drugs and overdosed. He considers them even. He does have the manners to thank her for letting him crash at her house for the summer.
As a final shot we're forced to look at Ivy crying. She's a really ugly crier.
week, there are underwear awards for something. I just can't. Thank God that is Lady Lola's problem.
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