In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Silver is so swept up in a breast cancer benefit to honor her late mother that she barely notices what a flaming queen her boyfriend Teddy is. Okay, he's not really all that gay as-is, but he does jump a little too high at the chance to shake his groove thing with the other boys, no? But nothing comes easy for either Silver or Mr. Montgomery, and the guy with whom Teddy hooked up has volunteered his services as the choreographer to the manstravaganza. Long story short, Silver has a wildly successful auction, and Teddy has a tendency to call people homophobic slurs, then beat them to smithereens. Way to set yourself up for a jailcation, buddy!
AAdrianna also volunteers her services for the benefit, then has to back out when Navid Lite's malicious uncle Victor appoints himself her new manager and takes 80% of her earnings in exchange for keeping mum about her theft of NL's songs. He books her for a birthday gig the same night of the benefit, so not only does she have to back out on Silver like an ass, she is basically pimped out in front of Navid when Victor the sleaze tells her to "rub up" on the birthday boy. After spending the entire episode hemming and hawing about confessing her sins to Navid and/or Silver, AAdrianna uses her $2,000 in gig money to buy Navid at the benefit bachelor auction. A nice gesture, sure, but utterly fiscally irresponsible.
Ivy naturally plans to buy Dixon at the auction. She succeeds, but only with the intervention of Silver after Dixon's ex-girlfriend -- she of the DJ-ing and the hysterical pregnancy -- shows up hoping to "talk." This development worries Ivy, who has decided she's ready to cash in her V-card to Dixon, but with some nudging and a lifetime supply of condoms from MILF, Ivy decides to go full steam ahead. Unfortunately for her, the ex finally corners Dixon and tells him that she has tested positive for HIV, and he should probably get checked out.
On the outskirts of the action, Liam schemes his way into La Casa Nueva so he can get closer to Annie. Just as he's about to seal the deal, he meets the latest guy she's been dating -- his half-brother, who set Liam for his life of crime way back when by stealing a credit card, going on a shopping spree, and blaming it on Liam. Liam does the boneheaded thing he always done and redirects his anger toward Annie. Made vulnerable by this change of heart and newly aware that the Wilsons aren't as financial stable as they once were (thanks to Harry's crappy new job and Debbie lack of a job at all), Annie decides to go forward with the donating her eggs to her boss for the sum of $20,000.
Also, Silver finally spills to the other girls that Naomi was brutalized by Cannon. They rekindle their group dynamic and vow to make Cannon pay, come Hell or high water. I sincerely hope this leads to 9 to 5-style antics in which Cannon is tied to a chair and humiliated. Start growing your mustache, Professor Rapenstein.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Annie inched toward surrogacy. Dixon's ex had a hysterical pregnancy. AAdrianna committed grand theft Auto-tune. Teddy had a big, gay adventure with a Canadian pop star. Silver finally believed Naomi about Cannon... just in time for Naomi to OD on pills -- okay, nearly OD. None of us are that lucky.
Zoom in on Naomi in the hospital, groggy post-stomach pump. She grouses that she looks like a Cullen after all the physical trauma. Silver approaches her with kid gloves, but Naomi insists her OD was accidental. Silver urges her to come forward. Naomi refuses and begs her not to tell anyone.
The day, Dixon jabbers for about a million hours about how his shirt makes him look like a turtle. In doing so, he manages to bore Ivy enough that she'll do anything to make him stop, including offering to cash in her V-card with him. And yet, even after they agree to sexy times, he goes back to the shirt! Gah. They're interrupted when Dixon spots his hot DJ ex in the distance. He breaks away to talk to her, but the conversation cuts short when he gives her big time attitude. He heads back to Ivy, who is naturally curious, but Dixon emphatically says that his ex isn't worth the breath it would take to talk about her.
Inside, Teddy nervously spots his gay lovah talking to Silver. He skitters up and wonders what they were talking about. She chipperly says it's for a benefit they're working on, then scurries off when she spots AAdrianna. She approaches just as AAdrianna leaves a frantic message for the uncle of that beloved, half-baked pop sensation Navid Lite, because he knows she stole NL's material. Silver asks if everything's okay, and AAdrianna brushes it off. Moving on, Silver mentions that the benefit she's working on is for breast cancer. Among other things, it will include a bachelor auction about which AAdrianna vouches Navid will be rocking his Blue Steel best. Silver asks AAdrianna if she'll sing the song from NL's memorial, but AAdrianna covers it'll bring up too many bad memories, and Silver is totally understanding.
La Nueva Casa. Annie's Coffee Cutie (who you might also remember in the role of Liam's half-brother) reads Shakespeare to her as foreplay. They're interrupted by a phone call from Annie's boss, who noticed that Annie missed several days of work and wonders if she scared Annie off with the surrogacy talk. Annie assures her everything's fine, and gets back to macking on CC. Unfortunately, he has to depart (it's such sweet sorrow!), so they make plans to hang out later. Moments after he leaves, the doorbell rings. Annie thinks it's CC, who left his copy of Twelfth Night. No dice. It's just Liam who got his man bangs all prettied up and has nowhere to go but to see Annie. Before Annie can get a word out, Dixon appears to tell her that he offered their home as a temporary crash pad for Liam. Liam promises to stay out of Annie's way, which means they're totally having sex tonight.
Beach club. AAdrianna promises NL's uncle Victor that she'll never sing the pilfered pop confections again. On the contrary, he tells her, she'll sing them until her lips bleed. He's taken over as her manager and is planning to make that money-money now that his top recording artist has kicked the bucket. AAdrianna will have to do, it seems. She naively says she doesn't think she needs a manager, but he makes it pretty clear that she has no choice in the matter. Also? He'll be taking 50% percent of her earnings. If she doesn't accept this arrangement, he'll have to tell the press about her thievin' ways. He tells her it'll work out great, just like it did for "that Milli Vanilli guy who didn't OD." His name is Fabrice Morvan, baldy. Don't get it twisted! He says her first gig is this Saturday night, for some A&R bigwigs. She says she's already booked at the cancer benefit, but he couldn't care less because the other gig is making him 10 grand, which he expects from her if she doesn't show. He tells her he's not in the charity business, he's in the money-making business, and she's going to be his "number one money maker." Please tell me this character arc devolves into some sort of sordid sex slavery opera. No? Well, a girl can dream! Credits.
West Bev. Silver puts the finishing touches on the benefit. Teddy swoops in like super boyfriend to tell her there was a problem with some lights, but he fixed it. After that, AAdrianna drops by to break the bad news to Silver. Only problem is, Silver's already printed the programs with AAdrianna as the headliner. Making matters worse, the benefit is almost entirely sold out. AAdrianna tries to meet in the middle, asking Silver if she can afford to pay her. Silver blanches at the $10,000 price, so AAdrianna backs out of the gig.
That night, Annie catches up with the long-lost Debbie, who is looking for a job now that she's single. Unfortunately, some of the websites are for a different kind of "job" entirely, and Debbie isn't really looking for a mid-life career change that involves buying a whole new latex wardrobe. That vomitous image in her mind, Annie runs off to change while Debbie lets CC in for their date. Meanwhile upstairs, Liam asks Dixon about Annie's comings and goings. Dixon tells Liam that Annie's dating a new guy, so Liam comes up with a flimsy excuse to go downstairs and check this mystery man out. Once there, he only sees Annie, and they exchange an awkward glance as she leaves.
MILF Manor. Ivy approaches her MILF to say she's ready to sleep with Dixon. It's all in all a supportive conversation, and Ivy admits that she's worried about being bad in bed -- especially after seeing Dixon's hot, older ex. MILF goes into her bedside table, a.k.a. the Congressional Library of Condoms, to give Ivy a rubber, and it's at this point that Ivy realizes she just got herself into a really uncomfortable conversation and flees, sans prophylactic.
Back at West Bev, Silver preps the guys for the bachelor auction. Dixon and Navid exchange "your mom" barbs before Silver unveils her revolutionary idea of starting the auction with a dance number. The guys groan at the thought of taking the Bev Niner the way of Chippendales. Naturally, newly gay-gay-gay Teddy is all over it. You know, because those 'mos like to dance! The writers totally put that in there on purpose, thinking they were clever. It is utterly ridiculous that Teddy has suddenly gone all Broadway after some out-of-nowhere one-time fling with an aspiring choreographer. Who, it so happens, is the choreographer for the benefit dance that Teddy is now wishing he hadn't been so enthusiastic over. I'm sure they'll have plenty of onr-on-one dance lessons in the days to come. I would pay good money to see Teddy and this guy -- Ian, BTW -- re-enact "Love is Strange" from Dirty Dancing. Nobody puts Ian in a corner!
Speaking of HoYay!, Liam wakes Dixon up in the middle of the night to be all Chatty Cathy with him about Annie. He's stressed that Annie isn't home yet. Then they hear the door slam, indicating she's home, and Dixon tells Liam to drop it. Instead, he trots out his previously flimsy excuse so he can bust in on Annie in the bathroom. Shirtless. This totally happened to Brandon Walsh when his high school crush came to town and robbed him of his virginity. That was pretty hot. This, not so much (six pack aside). Annie clearly gets hot and bothered at the sight of Liam, and he marches proudly back into the bedroom to tell Dixon that he's still got his talons around Annie. All he has to do now is show her his "softer side," whatever that is. Dixon speaks for the whole word in saying, "I hate you."
The day, Navid enters AAdrianna's room as she readies herself for the A&R guy's birthday party that night. He wonders why she asked for money for the auction. She insists her new manager knows what's best, saying she's doing this for her career. Navid is unconvinced, so she lashes out, telling him to stop judging and support her. Before he can respond, she whirls out of the room.
West Bev. Annie compliments Silver for all the hard work she's done on the benefit. Silver casually mentions that Debbie's donation check bounced, and they agree it must be some sort of bank snafu. Then Naomi breezes in and offers to help. Silver tries to pair her and Annie up, but Annie is still pissed that Naomi called her a murderer at the Super Sweet 18 bash. Naomi tries to excuse herself but can't go into the reasons why she's been struggling lately, so Annie holds on to her grudge. Naomi smoothes things over by saying she'll buy a table instead and walks away hurt. Silver says Annie should forgive Naomi, but Annie does what she does best and acts like a massive, under-informed brat.
Later, Silver watches as Ian begins his quest to bring the Thunder from Down Under to Beverly Hills. Some of the guys are predictably good (Dixon, Navid). Others are predictably oafish (Liam, Teddy). Ian tries to give Teddy some pointers, but the tennis pro is all, "No homo!" Ian keeps prodding until Teddy goes all Isaiah Washington on his ass, dropping the F-bomb to Silver's shock and awe. Ian walks away angrily while all the other guys wonder what to do . Hint: Kick ball change, circle hip! Silver tells the guys to take a break so she can read Teddy the riot act for being a big, fat bigot. Teddy tries to explain himself, saying he was frustrated, but Silver isn't buying that line of homophobic bullshit.
Outside, Ivy teases Dixon that she's stuck bidding for him at the bachelor auction. She sheepishly tells him they can head back to her place and "try something new" afterward because MILF is out of town. He flirts, "Don't feel bad, a lot of people have to pay for their first time." Ah, prostitution humor!
That night, Navid surprises AAdrianna with flowers before her gig. He apologizes for not being supportive and promises to have her back. Victor the sleaze interrupts their innocent peck to tell her that she should "rub up" on the birthday boy because he has a thing for young girls. AAdrianna's all, "Meet my boyfriend!" Not to be taken off task
, he warns AAdrianna not to eat too much. No one likes a fat pop star! After he leaves, Navid asks AAdrianna how she can trust such a slime ball and warns her that he's going to destroy her career. AAdrianna nearly tells Navid what she did, but she hesitates, and the chance leaves along with Navid.
Over at La Casa Nueva, Annie finds Liam preparing her a romantic dinner of mushroom risotto. He says he wants to prove to her that trouble doesn't follow him around. Cut to the fire behind him. Whoops! After they squelch the flames, she thanks him for attempting to cook for her. He admits that he asked to crash with Dixon so he could be closer with her. He misses her. Just as he leans in for a kiss, the doorbell rings. Of course it's the Coffee Cutie, whom Liam finally meets. They go a couple rounds of elliptical confrontation until Liam storms out, leaving CC to explain their murky relationship. In short, Liam's dad got around a lot before he was sent to the clink.
Meanwhile, Silver introduces the benefit by mentioning how her mother died of breast cancer. Then, as he is wont to do, Navid bursts onto stage in a full fireman's outfit. Apparently this party is "too damn hot." Well, here's something that'll cool it down -- a dozen flailing high school seniors thrusting their groins in our general direction! Jackets are ripped off and swirled around heads, Sean Kingston sings about emergency services, suspenders are tweaked, etc. Someone was paid to create this, y'all. And lots of someones were paid to burn its horrid image into our retinas. Thanks, show!
Back at the Casa, CC goes into more detail about his relationship with Liam. They grew up separately and didn't know about each other until they were 10 years old. They spent one summer together, and CC stole a credit card to go on a shopping spree which he later blamed on Liam. Hence the start of Liam's reputation as a good-for-nothing troublemaker. Now CC wants to make amends, but Liam wants him to drop dead.
Bachelor Auction. Ausscar woos the ladies with his accent and fetches $300. Liam reluctantly takes the stage , and things get heated between two girls, rocketing Liam's price tag to $350. She flips out and hugs him. He looks disgusted.
Across town, Victor gives AAdrianna her cut, which he's generously decided will actually be only 20%. She idiotically tells him it's "not fair," like he gives a rat's ass what's fair. He reminds her that blackmail isn't always fair.
Back at the auction, someone actually asks for Matthews. Seriously? Thank God! Matthews declines to participate, so it's time for Dixon. Ivy really sets the bar high, bidding $1 for her mans. Oh, but then Dixon's ex comes and ups the ante to $100. They go back and forth until Silver cuts off the ex and basically gives Dixon to Ivy for the low, low price of $400. Dixon thanks Silver (yet another of his exes) before heading over to do some serious damage control with Ivy. Not awkward at all!
Navid takes his place as the final hunk on the block. Quoth Silver, "It's Iranian men!" Perhaps turned off by the Weather Girls shout-out, absolutely no one bids for Navid. So embarrassing (and not entirely unexpected). Finally, AAdrianna materializes to offer up her two grand as penance for being a real hag to pretty much everyone involved in this janky auction. She hands over the money to Silver and apologizes to her for choosing work over the benefit. All is well... for now.
Out in the hall, Teddy catches up with Silver to say he's sorry, but it's too late. She breaks up with him and stomps off. Ian happens by hot on her heels, and grossly misjudges Teddy's capacity for violent rages triggered by self-hatred. They get into it, Ian tells Teddy not to take his discomfort with himself out on him, and if A then B, Teddy beats the stuffing out of Ian. Though, to the choreographer's credit, he does get in one really good swing to the gut. Matthews finally breaks it up, asphyxiating them with the smell of his greasy hair. They both clam up about what is causing this fight, so he assigns both of them detention for the two weeks. I smell me some Kiss of the Spider Woman action.
Elsewhere, Annie finds Liam and apologizes for dating his brother, even though she didn't really know she was. She tries to go into Liam's beef with Charlie, but he tells her she doesn't know what she's talking about. Then he really sticks it to her by saying she was right -- they're all wrong for each other. Cue the obsessive girl who bought him at the auction, coming to claim her prize. He drops his once disgusted face to make Annie think he's moved on already.
Annie joins AAdrianna in congratulating Silver for a job well done. They think Jackie Taylor-Silver would be very proud. They catch sight of Naomi skulking off and wonder how Silver can put up with her after all she's done. Silver struggles to remain tight-lipped about what exactly Naomi's been through to justify her behavior. For about five seconds, that is. When she finally tells them. They march out to tell Naomi that they are sympathizing with her and will do anything to help her make Cannon pay for what he's done.
1 2 3 4
In the parking lot, Ivy seductively tells Dixon she got a great deal on him since she would have gone up to $1,000 at the auction. He deposits her in her car and tells her he'll be right behind her (in more ways than one! hey-o!). After she drives off, the crazy ex creeps up behind him and demands five minutes of his time. He cautiously allows it -- just not cautiously enough. Ausscar, humping the girl who bought him in the back seat of her car, peeks up his head long enough to see Dixon walking off with his ex.
La Casa Nueva. Annie returns to find Debbie stressing over a stack of bills. She takes that inopportune time to bring up the charity donation check bouncing, so Debbie offers to give her some cash. Except she has none. She finally admits that money is tight because Harry's job pays half of his post as principal for West Bev. What's more, she's struggling to find a job since she has no college degree and has been out of the game raising kids. Debbie promises Annie they'll work something out. Instead of waiting it out, Annie takes matters into her uterus and offers to harvest her eggs for $20,000.
Meanwhile, Ivy lights candles and waits for Dixon. Across town, the ex gives an entirely too long speech about her emotional health at the time she dated Dixon. He tells her to get to the point, so she does: She has HIV.
week: How low can Debbie go? Well, when she gets a job as Jen's assistant, it would appear to be down on her hands and knees, scrubbing the floor after Jen's water breaks. Expect a "Baby on Board' sticker in the back window of the crap wagon any day now!
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see the question that will Never Be Answered. And see what vloggers Val and Beth think of the show below!
1 2 3 4
Want to immediately access TWoP content no matter where you are online? Download the free TWoP toolbar for your web browser. Already have a customized toolbar? Then just add our free toolbar app to get updated on our content as soon it's published.
1 2 3 4