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Where, oh where, do I start with the train wreck that was this week's show? Let me just spin my homemade wheel of fortune, and see where it lands... And it's Annie, who is as up her own ass as ever in thinking her boss and her boss's husband are swingers. Seriously. I'm not kidding. After lots of leering looks, inappropriate comments, and invitations to backyard barbecues (gasp!), Annie takes it upon herself to make it clear she's not into old people threesomes. Turns out, her boss doesn't want her sex, just her eggs. Apparently, when you're ready to make babies and hard-up fertility-wise, even a hobo killer is a viable surrogacy candidate.
Meanwhile, the leering looks that everyone should be concerned about are those coming from Cannon. His voice haunts Naomi throughout the episode. During an interview about her vision of herself in 10 years, Naomi repeats verbatim from the documentary Cannon showed her before the rape her last Spring. Now the old bugger has turned his attentions toward Silver, who is still on the outs with Teddy, and is inadvertently courting Cannon's lecherous advances by accepting an invitation to his apartment to see the aforementioned documentary, which he claims never to have shown anyone. Once there, she instantly recognizes Cannon's words and realizes Naomi wasn't lying. She escapes Cannon's clutches and goes to Naomi, who has dulled the memories of her assault with an entire bottle of pills.
And then there were B-plots: Ausscar carries on with his plot to destroy Ivy's MILF by telling Dixon about Ivy's virginity (or lack thereof). Dixon feels betrayed, but Ivy reveals she lied because she has been afraid of opening up and being rejected since her father walked out on her and MILF. And AAdrianna finds herself on the brink of success when she sings one of the songs she stole from Navid Lite at the recently passed pop star's funeral. Unfortunately for her, the guy who has a recording of NL singing the very same song months prior has other plans in mind.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: AAdrianna stole songs from her pop star approximation of Navid. Dixon borrowed Ivy for a moment, even though she's clearly been in love with her childhood friend Ausscar for some time. And Naomi begged her friends to believe that Cannon actually raped her -- a hard road to travel considering her prior past of lying through her teeth about pretty much anything and everything.
We open on Naomi, who is unable to sleep as she flashes back to her rape. As Cannon's documentary says, "No animal is as brutal as the Homo sapien." , we see some horrifying girl evocative of Edwina Rogers as she interviews various West Bev seniors about where they see themselves in 10 years. Annie thinks she'll be a serious theater actress. Dixon plans to DJ. Silver will move to Manhattan where serious journalists live (God forbid they live in Brooklyn). Ivy expects to be in some surfer hub like Maui or Bali. Liam can't think about 10 days from now, so forget 10 years down the road. And then we get a montage of all the tokens: Ausscar, a gay choreographer-to-be, an Asian girl, a black guy, a Latin beauty, etc. It's really reductive, frankly. And the sad part is that these writers thought that by making the dialog cut from one person to the , supposedly seamlessly, they were being really inclusive and clever. About as clever as a Benetton ad. Edwina Rogers Jr. and Silver wrap up their interview just as Silver is waxing poetic about her Pulitzer Prize to come. As Silver heads out, Naomi enters. It's awkward. Naomi begins her interview with about as much enthusiasm as I myself would be able to muster for such a BS enterprise, unaided by ERJ's under-her-breath snark that Naomi is doomed to peak in high school. She does notice that Naomi looks tired, though. Life-shattering trauma will do that to a girl.
Out in the hallway, Ivy is skateboarding through school. Seriously? She runs into Ausscar, who tells her he had a great time talking to her the other night. Yes, that time when he divulged how traumatically and prematurely he lost his virginity. Good times! He tells her that he's secured tickets to a benefit at Kelly Slater's house, but they conflict with plans she has with Dixon. He wonders why she's still keeping dates with Dixon after he took body shots off of another girl (that Ausscar paid to set Dixon up), so Ivy compares Dixon to a puppy that pees on things -- you're upset, but you have to forgive him because he doesn't mean to screw up. Ivy immediately recognizes how insulting and patronizing she just was and asks Ausscar not to tell Dixon what she said. Which means he absolutely will at the very moment he deems most advantageous. Ivy picks back up her skateboard and continues being a world-class jackhole. Ausscar, likewise, just more pouty.
Downtown, Annie updates her intern supervisor on all the grunt chores she's completed during her lunch hour away from school. They compliment each other for about an hour until it turns awkward, then her supervisor comments on how amazing Annie's body is considering she doesn't diet. Not sure if that's some sort of underhanded compliment or not. Either way, it makes things even more awkward, and Annie announces that she's heading back to West Bev. Word to the wise, lady: If Annie thinks you're a creepy mess, watch the eff out. That's a big ol' pot calling your kettle black.
Over at Ivy's house, AAdrianna sits by embarrassedly as Ivy's MILF wheels and deals concerning Navid Lite's funeral service. Just as MILF says how grateful she is that AAdrianna is the one non-prima donna at NL's funeral, AAdrianna breaks it to her that she doesn't want to perform at the service because she and NL weren't that close. MILF says they must have been -- how else would AAdrianna's latest songs be so eerily reminiscent of NL's songwriting style? AAdrianna tries every excuse in the book to avoid the possibility that her theft of NL's songs will blow up in her face, but MILF won't take no for an answer.
Back at West Bev, Cannon takes creepy wank bank footage of Silver and her new grandma hairdo. He's invites her to "check out his new camera" after school. Dixon interrupts to ask where Teddy is. Says Silver, "Don't know, don't care." Dixon notes the tension and scoots off as Silver says she'll have to take a rain check. Elsewhere, Teddy wakes up with an intense hangover and a note from some trick he banged the night before. He can't stifle the urge to vomit, which is frankly as good an intro to this show as any they've ever conceived. Credits.
NL's funeral. Some jerk-off makes a big show of saying what an important legacy NL offered the world. Yes, we're talking about a pop star. Who was famous for about five minutes. And who was desperate to take on AAdrianna as a "collaborator." After he speaks, AAdrianna sings a song she ripped off from NL, complete with dozens of admirers recording her larceny for Internet posterity.
Elsewhere, Naomi listens to meditative recordings, trying to get herself to sleep for the first time in weeks. Instead of relaxing, she only hears Cannon's voice.
Meanwhile, Silver looks at the footage ERJ caught earlier of Naomi's vision for 10 years from now. It's pretty bleak, fateful stuff as Naomi segues from the idea that it's all possibility to the fact that possibilities are limited when unexpected, life-altering events like 9/11 can happen and sweep the rug out from under you. She reiterates the words from Cannon's documentary: "No animal is as brutal as the Homo sapien." Silver sees the hurt in her eyes but is not yet ready to forgive Naomi for her lies. She shuts down the editing equipment and heads out, running into Teddy along the way. She blows him off bitterly.
Outside, Annie tells Silver and AAdrianna about her weird experience with her boss. Annie thinks her boss has a crush on her. AAdrianna, natch, urges Annie to give into the bicuriosity and kiss her boss. Annie says she's not interested, though, so Silver tells her to be clear about her intentions -- and her heterosexuality.
Back inside, Teddy stumbles into class. He admits to Dixon and Liam that his drinking soured things with Silver, but he's secured a vintage print of Nosferatu and hopes that he can smooth the situation over by ambushing her after school. Cannon jealously interrupts them and puts Teddy on the spot to ask him about the assigned reading on the New Deal. Teddy insists he couldn't possibly have done the work because he was the sick (read: hung-over) the day before and didn't know what chapters to read. Cannon is not sympathetic and assigns Teddy a 5,000-word essay to be completed by the day. Cock block!
That afternoon at gym class, Ausscar and Dixon pair off for a wrestling competition. I think there's some sort of power metaphor going on here, but I couldn't tell you for sure because I'm too busy retching. Along the way, Ausscar lets slip that Ivy's a virgin, and this is inexplicably unsettling to Dixon. You know, since he lost his virginity in such a normal, non-dramatic way. That didn't involve porn.
Inside, Teddy complains to Liam about Cannon's essay assignment when ERJ shows up to harass him about his senior testimonial. She reminds him he must tape his segment by tonight so she and Silver can edit the footage. Realizing this is a prime opportunity to reach out to Silver, Teddy says he'll tape his segment right then and there.
In the bathroom, Naomi exchange bitchy barbs about life in general. Long story short, her frenemy offers her some prescriptions to soften life's edges. I smell an addiction in the making!
Downtown, Annie steps into her internship boss's office and proves once and for all (as if we didn't know) that she's is the worst actress. Ever. I mean ever. All of which is to say that Annie is a big old breeder and won't be tolerating any lessssssbian advances. God, it's just embarrassing for everyone involved. While Annie's supposedly lesbian supervisor is processing this aggressive heterosexuality, her husband comes in and is all up in Annie's grill. He doesn't talk about Annie's hot little body and her lack of dieting, but the message remains consistent. All of which is totally irrelevant in my mind because what we have here is some vintage Jack Deveraux from Days of Our Lives. Remember the summer when the teens were on the island, and there were lots of sexual overtures and French braid-y hairstyles for Belle Brady? This guy was there, y'all. And I don't care if he literally births a creature from his belly Alien-style right here and now, nothing will ever compare. Even with
target="_blank">Hallie Lowenthal as his maybe bicurious wife. Of course, he doesn't birth any creatures from his belly. Nope, he just invites Annie to some barbecue at his and Hallie's house where Annie will be invited to either swim or to Jacuzzi like those English professors who called each other "lovah" on SNL. In any case, it is certain to be creepy.
West Bev. Dixon finds Ivy and wastes no time asking whether she's a virgin. Long story short, he feels like he confided a lot in her, and she didn't trust him enough to do the same.
AAdrianna's house. She is struggling to write her own music when Laurel calls to tell her that the song she sang at NL's funeral has gone viral on YouTube. As a result, the suits at the label have already booked studio time for her, and she has a TV appearance later that day. As AAdrianna marvels at her good fortune, the speaker from NL's funeral listens to a recording NL made of himself singing the song AAdrianna has claimed as her own.
Later that day, AAdrianna models an entire collection of bridesmaid dresses the studio has sent over for her TV appearance. Annie and Silver independently deem one of them "too Taylor Swift." The topic shifts to Annie, who conceitedly says that her boss may not be into her, but her boss's husband certainly is. And yes, I'll admit they're creepy, but leave it to Annie to have this kind of jacked-up swagger: "My life is so hard! Everybody loves me! Gah!" What a jerk. Silver naively tells Annie to deny, deny, deny. Which is probably pretty hard when you're three deep in a Jacuzzi and suddenly feel something wet and firm on your upper thigh.
Meanwhile, Ivy rouses Ausscar from his mid-afternoon slumber to give him Hell for telling Dixon she's not a virgin. He lies that he thought Dixon knew. Along the way, he implies that Dixon and Ivy's relationship isn't as strong as she thinks. Seed planted.
At a downtown cafe, Silver edits ERJ's never-ending predictions for her life 10 years from now. Several fast forwards later, she comes upon Teddy's interviews. He addresses her directly, telling her that she's the only thing more important to his life than tennis. Off camera, ERJ can't believe these are the words he chose to leave for the time capsule, but Silver seems impressed enough. She smiles to herself and eventually leaves the cafe. As she exits, we discover Cannon watching her like a hawk. He waits for an opportune moment to exit his car, hoping Silver will notice him. She does, so he takes this "chance" meeting to invite her to his house to look at a documentary he's finished editing. She pauses at this forward request, so he takes care to make sure she doesn't think he has any ulterior motives. She falls for his calculations entirely and agrees to walk straight into his trap.
That night, AAdrianna tapes her TV interview. She bullshits some about how losing NL inspired her song, then sings it again for the viewers. As she does her best impression of earnest emotion, the guy from the funeral walks into the studio...
Over at Cannon's, the rape-iest advisor this side of the Mason-Dixon lays on the charm as he introduces his documentary to Silver.
Elsewhere, Naomi can't shake her memories of Cannon's attack, so she pops the pills she got earlier that day.
Back at Cannon's, Silver takes a minute before Cannon starts his film to text Teddy. She acknowledges that things aren't entirely through with her high school boyfriend. Cannon glumly turns on the tape, then obsessively watches Silver watching his work. He offers her some tea -- laced with Roofies naturally. And yet! Just before Silver takes a sip of the tainted tea, she hears the words Naomi spoke on her disconsolate senior interview earlier that day: "No animal is as brutal as the Homo sapien." She tests Cannon, asking if she's the only person who's seen his documentary. He claims she is and nervously urges her to drink her tea. She's so jumpy, she drops it on the floor and has to come up with excuses on the fly about how she's a klutz. She suddenly "remembers" that she was supposed to meet with ERJ at West Bev to go over some stuff for the senior interviews. Of course it's all a lie, and she's about as bad an actress as Annie, so it's miracle she gets out of there in one piece.
And as for Annie, she's still at her escort service... um, I mean internship! Her boss asks if she's coming to the barbecue that weekend, and Annie makes some lame excuse why she can't. Her boss calls her in to talk. She says this setting isn't as "intimate" as she would like" and that she and her husband have a "proposition" for Annie. Before she gets it out, Annie blurts, "I'm not a swinger!" Her boss is shocked, though she realizes why Annie is so confused about the way she and her husband have been acting. She confesses that she and her husband have been trouble conceiving and would like to buy Annie's eggs for $20,000. So this is the big secret? Come on!
Meanwhile, Ivy drives Dixon around town. They stop at a house he's never seen before. She admits that the reason she hasn't been completely open with Dixon is because she was rejected the last time she let herself be vulnerable with a man. That man was her father. Dixon looks in the windows of the house in front of them, where Ivy's father is playing with his wife and young children. Ivy says she worried Dixon will think less of her if he knew what she'd been through. Instead, he assures her that it's her dad with the problem, not her.
Beach club. Ausscar gets the check for his dinner. As he pulls out the money to pay for his meal, a picture slips out. He bitterly explains to his waiter that the man in the (badly Photoshopped) photo is his father, and the woman in the picture (Laurel) ruined his life. Perhaps sensing the instability of his patron, the waiter smartly leaves without a word. Because really, if you're Hell-bent on revenge and actually have your shit together enough to seek it, are you sharing this kind of information with the guy who brings your BLT?
And now it's episode-ending musical montage time! AAdrianna finishes her interview and anxiously run's into NL's legacy keeper. He gets straight to the point, accusing her of stealing NL's work and telling her he has the tape to prove it. Back at West Bev, Teddy finishes his New Deal essay just in time to cross paths with the stereotypical gay choreographer type we saw at the top of the hour. Lest you think I'm an a-hole, this guy really is gay. And I guess so is Teddy because this fellow assures ol' Blondie that he won't tell anyone they hooked up. Elsewhere, Silver barges into Naomi's apartment to tell her she saw Cannon's documentary and finally believes Naomi was telling the truth. But it might be too late because Naomi is limp as a noodle. Silver finds the empty bottle o' meds and gets to work trying to revive the Perma Donna.
week: It's charity bachelor auction time at West Bev! Dixon's hairless chest and Navid collectively fetch about five shillings.
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