By Lady Lola
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.Everyone who isn't an utter dirt bag fails this episode. At life, but also more specific tasks. Naomi fails at adulthood when she regains control of her trust fund and goes on a tear. She buys back all her friends with Tiffany necklaces, buys a load of other friends with a big splashy 18th birthday party, and buys a new car for plowing down Rapemeister Cannon. Inevitably, everything blows up in her face because no shiny trinket will distract Silver from the fact that Naomi tried to bag her boyfriend. Naomi fails at apologies and honesty by concocting some ridiculous roofie story. Her dishonesty catches up with her eventually, right as Teddy's dishonesty catches up with him after he fails at sobriety and drinks himself into several Jackie Taylor-Silver-like stupors. Feeling betrayed by all those closest to her, Silver runs into the arms of Cannon, on whom she has developed a school girl crush. And who has developed a jailhouse crush on her.
Annie fails at carrying a cup of coffee. Truly. But technically she fails up when the person she spills on is a dream boat. He proposes a make-up coffee date, only with less spilling, but she brings up her unresolved fail-mance with Liam. For his part, Liam fails at having any common sense. At all. Guess those man bangs sometimes get in the way of cerebral processing . He takes parolee Annie for a date on a boat he is just "borrowing" while the owner is away. Annie skips that shit and is back to the arms of her Coffee Cutie. Who we learn is Liam's half-brother. Genetic fail.
I can't even start to tell you the multitudes of ways in which Ivy fails, so I shan't try. Though, to be fair, it's Dixon who fails at not being a prick frat boy, as he hits up the bar with Ausscar and lets a bachelorette take a body shot off of him. Of course pictures are taken, of course they get back to Ivy, and of course she looks to floppy-locked Ausscar for consolation. If any of you didn't figure out well ahead of time that Ausscar paid the bachelorette to set Dixon up, you fail.
And Matthews and Jen fail at even making the E-plot bearable. In short, she's a massive bitch who can't keep an assistant. He's a loser with nothing to do. Ever. And the miracle of false labor and real desperation reunites them for the moment. At least now my fast forwarding will be consolidated!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Ivy returned home to an Aus-hole family friend that bangs everything that moves, including her MILF and soon enough her. Navid's cut-rate doppelganger got banged upside the head in a car accident and died, leaving AAdrianna a notebook full of bangin' pop confections. A banged-up knee jeopardized Teddy's chances of being a professional tennis player. Matthews used to bang Naomi's sister Jen, resulting in a mop-headed little bun in the oven. Annie rejected Liam and his man bangs. And Naomi, after being brutalized by a teacher, regressed to the bad place and tried to bang everyone in school, including Teddy.
We open with a slide show. My how these writers are mastering the modern capabilities of television! Jen has prepared the slide show (featuring Edie Sedgwick and Lindsay Lohan, among others) to argue for an extension of her control over Naomi's trust fund. She claims too much, too young is a fatal mix for an impressionable youth. Makes me wonder why she even prepared this janky slide show when all she had to do was say "What has two thumbs and has gotten all fucked up on daddy's money? This girl!" It's a little rich coming from someone who's been married, estranged, reconciled, divorced, bought a race horse, and gotten knocked up by Ryan MFing Matthews, is all I'm saying.
Jen suggests that she keep control over Naomi's money until Naomi is 21, ideally 25. Such ludicrous hypocrisy sends Naomi over the edge -- of the table. Seriously, bitch launches herself across the conference room like she's on a pogo stick. The trust executor lawyer holds her back and says he agrees with Jen. Given the preceding display of a crazy, I might tend to, too. Luckily for Naomi, the lawyer admits he has no power to change the terms of her trust and is giving her the money anyway. Naomi jumps up and down screeching about how rich she is, then takes to the table again to kick her feet in the air like a little kid. Score another victory for crazy!
Over at Ivy's house, MILF walks into her bedroom to find Aussie Oscar, draped across her bed in a low-slung towel, proposing the spot in the house they should taint with their taints. Ivy knocks on the door to retrieve a piece of clothing her mom borrowed. MILF buys time by saying she's changing, stating the extremely obvious that Ivy probably wouldn't approve of their little May-September romance. She mentions in passing that Ivy is traditional and inexperienced, which only piques Ausscar's creepy interest all the more.