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Everyone who isn't an utter dirt bag fails this episode. At life, but also more specific tasks. Naomi fails at adulthood when she regains control of her trust fund and goes on a tear. She buys back all her friends with Tiffany necklaces, buys a load of other friends with a big splashy 18th birthday party, and buys a new car for plowing down Rapemeister Cannon. Inevitably, everything blows up in her face because no shiny trinket will distract Silver from the fact that Naomi tried to bag her boyfriend. Naomi fails at apologies and honesty by concocting some ridiculous roofie story. Her dishonesty catches up with her eventually, right as Teddy's dishonesty catches up with him after he fails at sobriety and drinks himself into several Jackie Taylor-Silver-like stupors. Feeling betrayed by all those closest to her, Silver runs into the arms of Cannon, on whom she has developed a school girl crush. And who has developed a jailhouse crush on her.
Annie fails at carrying a cup of coffee. Truly. But technically she fails up when the person she spills on is a dream boat. He proposes a make-up coffee date, only with less spilling, but she brings up her unresolved fail-mance with Liam. For his part, Liam fails at having any common sense. At all. Guess those man bangs sometimes get in the way of cerebral processing . He takes parolee Annie for a date on a boat he is just "borrowing" while the owner is away. Annie skips that shit and is back to the arms of her Coffee Cutie. Who we learn is Liam's half-brother. Genetic fail.
I can't even start to tell you the multitudes of ways in which Ivy fails, so I shan't try. Though, to be fair, it's Dixon who fails at not being a prick frat boy, as he hits up the bar with Ausscar and lets a bachelorette take a body shot off of him. Of course pictures are taken, of course they get back to Ivy, and of course she looks to floppy-locked Ausscar for consolation. If any of you didn't figure out well ahead of time that Ausscar paid the bachelorette to set Dixon up, you fail.
And Matthews and Jen fail at even making the E-plot bearable. In short, she's a massive bitch who can't keep an assistant. He's a loser with nothing to do. Ever. And the miracle of false labor and real desperation reunites them for the moment. At least now my fast forwarding will be consolidated!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Ivy returned home to an Aus-hole family friend that bangs everything that moves, including her MILF and soon enough her. Navid's cut-rate doppelganger got banged upside the head in a car accident and died, leaving AAdrianna a notebook full of bangin' pop confections. A banged-up knee jeopardized Teddy's chances of being a professional tennis player. Matthews used to bang Naomi's sister Jen, resulting in a mop-headed little bun in the oven. Annie rejected Liam and his man bangs. And Naomi, after being brutalized by a teacher, regressed to the bad place and tried to bang everyone in school, including Teddy.
We open with a slide show. My how these writers are mastering the modern capabilities of television! Jen has prepared the slide show (featuring Edie Sedgwick and Lindsay Lohan, among others) to argue for an extension of her control over Naomi's trust fund. She claims too much, too young is a fatal mix for an impressionable youth. Makes me wonder why she even prepared this janky slide show when all she had to do was say "What has two thumbs and has gotten all fucked up on daddy's money? This girl!" It's a little rich coming from someone who's been married, estranged, reconciled, divorced, bought a race horse, and gotten knocked up by Ryan MFing Matthews, is all I'm saying.
Jen suggests that she keep control over Naomi's money until Naomi is 21, ideally 25. Such ludicrous hypocrisy sends Naomi over the edge -- of the table. Seriously, bitch launches herself across the conference room like she's on a pogo stick. The trust executor lawyer holds her back and says he agrees with Jen. Given the preceding display of a crazy, I might tend to, too. Luckily for Naomi, the lawyer admits he has no power to change the terms of her trust and is giving her the money anyway. Naomi jumps up and down screeching about how rich she is, then takes to the table again to kick her feet in the air like a little kid. Score another victory for crazy!
Over at Ivy's house, MILF walks into her bedroom to find Aussie Oscar, draped across her bed in a low-slung towel, proposing the spot in the house they should taint with their taints. Ivy knocks on the door to retrieve a piece of clothing her mom borrowed. MILF buys time by saying she's changing, stating the extremely obvious that Ivy probably wouldn't approve of their little May-September romance. She mentions in passing that Ivy is traditional and inexperienced, which only piques Ausscar's creepy interest all the more.
Elsewhere, Annie picks up a coffee downtown. She's so engrossed in a book she's reading that she bumps into someone on the way out. He's a handsome UCLA freshman who forgives her faux pas, though, because he's an aspiring playwright who commends her for reading August: Osage County. She hands him a flyer for the theater company where she's interning because they are running that very play right now. She apologizes again for spilling on him and offers to pay for his dry cleaning. He says he'd prefer if she took him to the theater some time. She bumbles about her no-mance with Liam, but the persistent fellow gives her his phone number on the chance she changes her mind.
West Bev. Teddy catches Silver as she rides up on her Vespa. She gives him the cold shoulder as he tries to explain Naomi's slutacious freak-out the other night. Silver's still baffled but believes Teddy when he says he would never betray her like that. It doesn't excuse what an ass he was to her earlier in the evening and says he can't take out his frustrations on her. She has no patience for mean drunks after growing up with the malicious Jackie Taylor-Silver. He apologizes again, earnestly, and Silver forgives him.
Inside, Naomi gives Annie a present for her (Naomi's) birthday. She explains that it's thanks for Annie's friendship, not to mention a long overdue indulgence celebrating Naomi gaining control of her trust fund. She announces that she's going to throw a major birthday party for herself and leave all the kiddy crap behind. Annie reminds Naomi that she's still got some kiddy crap to deal with, namely apologizing to Silver, and a necklace isn't going to cut it.
Meanwhile, Ol' Rapey McRaperson Cannon is advising Silver about how to conduct interviews for her senior project. She does a practice interview with him, finding out along the way that his wife recently left him. She reveals a budding school girl crush as she falls all over herself in assuring him he didn't deserve to be left and that he's great and smart and talented... and a rapist! Which I'm starting to think Silver will find out soon enough. She apologizes for being inappropriate, but he turns on the charm and seductively tells her that her comments are much needed and much appreciated. My skin is much crawling. The bell rings, and they set up an appointment for the day. Silver heads out, then doubles back to ask if she left a scarf behind. Cannon says he hasn't seen it. After Silver leaves, we see that he's holding onto it as a trophy. Serial rapist plot line starts now! Credits.
We rejoin Silver in the quad. AAdrianna calls asking Silver to distract her while she's home waiting for a call from Ivy's MILF, who is listening to the new songs she stole from dead Navid Lite's corpse. Naomi interrupts, so Silver hangs up, ready for a serious apology. Naomi insists she doesn't remember and claims she was roofied. Lies spill out of mouth one after the other. Fortunately for her, Silver takes her at her word, and they're back to BFF. At least until she cocks it up again. Which she will.
In the office, Annie's coffee-stained suitor is in the building. The receptionist refuses to give out student information, so he leaves a note. And looks creepy as Hell while doing it.
Speaking of creeps, Ausscar finds Dixon in the hall to try to start fresh and apologize for tagging along on all Dixon and Ivy's dates. Dixon offers to introduce Ausscar around so he has more friends than Ivy. Normally I'd say good luck, but considering what ass hats make up Dixon's social circle, Ausscar will probably get along swimmingly.
Down the hall, Cannon creeps up on Silver to invite her to help him edit his documentary. This is so the modern equivalent of when men in the olden days used to say to girls after a date, "Why don't you come upstairs, and I'll show you my sketches." Ugh. Silver says she can't come because she's going to Naomi's birthday party that night. Cannon clams up at the mention of Naomi, calling her a liar that almost destroyed his life. He walks off in a tizzy, telling Silver to have fun, but the underlying message is that he's going to punish Silver for her friendship with Naomi.
Beach club. Jen chews out her assistant for bungling the "Rich Girls Gone Wild" slideshow, as if that had anything to do with the lawyer's decision. She sends her off in shame, at which point Matthews walks in and demands she signs paternity papers. She refuses, so he says he won't leave until she signs. She crumples into a chair and starts moaning from pain. He asks if she might be having contractions, but she says she can't be going into labor because she's not due for another two months.
They head to the hospital where Matthews joyfully gets his first glimpse of his daughter. Jen squashes his buzz by hitting the bitch switch the minute she finds out she's not in labor. She says she's ready to get out of the hospital and back to work (or whatever it is she does all day). The nurse tells her that won't be possible. The placenta has separated from her uterus, and bed rest from here onward is the only way she can ensure the health of the baby. Jen dismisses Matthews after a crabby attempt at thanking him for the emergency ride to the hospital, then glues her eyes to her Blackberry. He gets the clue and trudges off like a hipster version of Paul Giamatti.
West Bev. Liam finds Queen Bee Naomi passing out invitations to her Super Sweet 18. He asks her if they can be friends now and if she's over him yet. Really, he just wants to make sure he has clearance to date someone new, even if it's a friend of her. She immediately deduces that he's talking about Annie and makes a grand display of dragging him across the cafeteria to announce to both of them that they can "do it right in front of" her. She gets distracted by something shiny and flits off, leaving Liam to ask Annie on a proper date.
Back at the hospital, Jen issues orders to her assistant from the hospital bed. When the assistant sees what a tall order keeping Jen "calm and placated" will be, she up and quits. Awesome.
Meanwhile, Dixon introduces Ausscar to Navid and Teddy at a sports bar. Apparently Navid thinks the first duty of a true friend is doing a horrible faux-stralian accent. His one-man show is interrupted when Teddy gets a text telling him he's been ranked number one in California tennis. A ranking that means nothing now that he's sidelined for the foreseeable future. He drowns his sorrows in beer.
Somewhere downtown, Naomi and AAdrianna drive around picking up supplies for Naomi's party. As AAdrianna debates the merits of Naomi getting Warhol-style silk screen printed T-shirts for her guests, Naomi spies Cannon down the road leering at teenage girls. She loses control and puts the pedal to the medal en route for Cannon. He jumps out of the way just in time, and Naomi drives away blaming the incident on the jumpy accelerator in her new car.
Back at the bar, Ausscar and the boys find themselves smack in the middle of a bachelorette party. Ausscar signs the BTB's ass, then she takes a body shot off of Dixon's pleasure trail. Photographic evidence is collected, and Ausscar files the incident away so he can pull it out and tattle to Ivy at an opportune moment.
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Elsewhere, Liam takes Annie to the harbor for their official date. They smooch and gloat about finally getting to kiss each other whenever and wherever they want. Just as Annie's taking off her jacket, some guys shouts, "What the Hell are you doing on my boat?" He climbs aboard and scuffles around with Liam until both those little hooligans break free. They flee as the guy yells out that he's going to call the police. Would it be too much to ask that they collect finger prints and send parolee Annie to the Big House for good?
Naomi's party kicks up. And there are pictures of her everywhere. It's an orgy of narcissism! She descends on a pink hula hoop like a bargain bin Satine and announces that Adrian Grenier's band, The Honey Brothers, will be performing and that AG has the dubious distinction of getting the first crack at her after the party. The Honey Brothers offer up their Rusted Root-tinged, mandolin-heavy fare, which is totally out of place at this party. The guys arrive, wolfing down mints to try to cover up their beer breath. Ivy storms out to inform Dixon that his body shot shenanigans have popped up on Facebook. She marches off in one of Blossom Russo's dresses, and Ausscar pulls Dixon back saying she just needs some time to cool off. Or some time for him to move in like a rabid reef shark.
Back at the harbor, Annie and Liam watch fearfully as the cops pass with their flashlights. Once they're safe (damn!), Liam gives Annie props for her evasion tactics. She's in no mood for joking, and chews him out for lying that he was boat-sitting. Liam's still high on adrenaline and doesn't realize the greater impact an arrest might have on Annie's record. He apologizes, but she says she doesn't need another guy with a dark side and an appetite for trouble. She says it won't work between them and walks away.
Party. Princess Naomi spits in the faces of students with counterfeit invites and generally acts like a royal pain in the ass. One girl reminds Naomi that she gave her cab fare after the party the other night, and Naomi returns the $20 before swatting her off into the night. Silver sees all of this and calls Naomi out for lying that she didn't remember anything from the party. She echoes Cannon, calling Naomi a pathetic liar.
Annie finally makes it to the party, where she meets up with the Coffee Cutie from earlier. They walk inside, where Silver finds Teddy to tell him that Naomi was lying. Too bad for him, she recognizes his cologne (Eau de Frat Bar) and asks if he's been drinking. He covers that the other guys were drinking, but he wasn't. She nearly forgives him until she goes in for a kiss, smells the beer on his breath, and realizes he's a liar, too. He tries to justify his lie, saying he didn't want to dredge up her memories of Jackie again. She reminds him that alcoholics are bald-faced liars. Now he's one, too.
Over at the bar, Annie and her Coffee Cutie bond as they quietly judge all the nitwits at the party. Well, CC judges, Annie just kind of blends and tries to sound clever every once in a while. It's a losing battle, girlie. AAdrianna saves Annie a world of embarrassment by interrupting to update her on Naomi and Silver's fallout.
West Bev. Silver finds Cannon in the edit room to take him up on his invitation. He sees that she's upset, so she spills about the drama with Naomi and Teddy. Cannon lures her in with his British-inflected pearls of wisdom and his strategic reiteration of her comments from earlier, all the while slithering in the suggestion that she should dump her best friend (who, admittedly, sucks) and her boyfriend (who sucks, too). Silver staggers ever near his trap.
Back at the party, Annie and AAdrianna confront Naomi for her recent misdeeds. They ask why she's acting so off, so she deflects by reminding AAdrianna that she was "a drug addict who got knocked up" and telling Annie, "Stop acting like Pollyanna. You frickin' killed a guy." Awesome. I want that shit on a shirt. They tell her to fuck off right around the time everyone starts singing "Happy Birthday." As the oblivious revelers cart out Naomi's cake (with a picture of her face on it, like everything else at the party), AAdrianna lets it slip that Silver's left to meet up with Cannon. Naomi freaks out and splits, leaving her sparkling cake and 100 closest acquaintances in the dust.
Hospital. Matthews returns for his balls and finds Jen steeping in her own haggery. Her personal assistant quit, then exacted her sweet vengeance by talking enough shit that no one else would work for Jen. She rues the miserable state of her life and that she can't even get Naomi to help her now that she's lost control of the trust fund. Matthews offers to help her, as long as she signs his paternity papers. She reluctantly agrees, then he announces he's moving in with her for the good of the baby, and she has no choice. He sappily gloats about how they're two mature parents (ha) making responsible decisions (double ha). Jen stifles her urge to hurl. As do I, madam. As do I.
Party. Ivy's MILF calls AAdrianna to congratulate her on her amazing new material. She invites her to sing her stuff at Navid Lite's memorial. Awkward!
West Bev. Silver ignores a text from Naomi. Cannon takes the opportunity to lie his pants off that Naomi became obsessively infatuated with him after she recanted her sexual harassment accusations. To be continued...
Ivy's. Ausscar zeroes in on Ivy's broken-hearted vulnerability. He makes a ploy of apologizing for Dixon's drunken antics, segueing to the tragedy of his childhood with a drunken father. He woefully claims he grew up too fast. Ivy says she was just the opposite, admitting with some embarrassment that she's still a virgin. Ausscar shares (disingenuously, no doubt) his own regret for dropping his V-Card too quickly, making himself seem sensitive and sage in Ivy's dim little world. They both lean in for a kiss, but he stops short at precisely the right moment to leave her wanting more.
West Bev. Naomi storms into the lab to talk to Silver. It takes some convincing, but Silver steps outside to humor Naomi's supposed delusions. She throws Cannon's cock-and-bullshit story in Naomi's face about her infatuation and his rejection, adding the part about how Naomi tried to mow Cannon down earlier that day. Naomi sputters and stutters, unable to get out the truth through Silver's stream of insults and misinformed judgments. She finally spits it out, but Silver's too far gone and Naomi's cried wolf too many times. Silver disgustedly returns to the clutches of a rapist.
Meanwhile, Ausscar rendezvous with the bachelorettes from earlier and pays them for their convincing and incriminating performance earlier that evening. Elsewhere, Coffee Cutie waits in a parking lot for someone. Not Annie, it turns out. Instead, he is approached by Liam, who tells him to stay the Hell away. As he walks off, Coffee Cutie shouts behind him, "We can fix this! We're brothers!"
West Bev. Cannon leeringly watches an endless loop of the footage he caught earlier of Silver telling him how great and smart and kind he is. Obsessive much? Talking about the crackpot calling the kettle black.
week: AAdrianna's got a deadly virus! Wait, what's that? She's gone viral with a dead man's song? Oh...
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