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AAdrianna finds herself in a quandary re: embarking on a solo singing career under the wing of Ivy's Matthews-schtupping mom. First there's the issue of her (minimal) guilt at abandoning The Glorious Steinems. More importantly, she's afraid the rock 'n' roll lifestyle will pose too much of a threat to her newly sober lifestyle. Navid encourages her to take the opportunity and promises not to tell any of the band members, causing a rift between him and his new gf-slash-Steinems guitarist. More surprisingly, it causes tension between AAdrianna and RuWill -- primarily because AAdrianna consulted Navid rather than her gf on this life-changing matter. Navid makes it up to his lady friend through a cotillion-inspired romantic date. AAdrianna considers taking the route of a self-absorbed, self-serving prick for a minute until Mama Ivy gives her some pretty solid advice not to let the industry or the lure of fame change her. But alas! AAdrianna's attempt to apologize to RuWill only results in her realizing that the flame-haired lesbian sire has been the self-absorbed, self-serving prick the whole time -- in this instance by cheating on AAdrianna, like, 13 seconds after their first fight. Nice. Later that night, Navid runs into AAdrianna in the throes of a creative cliché as she's writing a mournful cheating ditty. They weirdly commiserate over AAdrianna cheating on him and it's just like older times. Only bicurious-er.
Naomi continues sinking into the quicksand of her whack allegations against Cannon. Making things worse, Liam encourages her by telling her he loves her. Somehow, she pulls herself out of the downward spiral and tells the truth to avoid ruining Cannon's life. Who knew she had it in her? Frankly, I'm disappointed. Naomi tries to explain herself to Liam, but it looks like she may have lost him for good. Which, fair enough. He kind of told her that's exactly what would happen if she was a lying skeeze like her sister. So Liam returns home to his mother's house to find his dad has broken out of the pokey ready for some father-son QT.
Ivy persists in the fauxmance with Dixon, despite indicators that he is way more into it than she. Moved by a particularly unsexy DJ lesson courtesy of the accidental boyfriend, Ivy convinces her mom to hire Dixon for a hot Hollywood party at their home. In exchange, she wants a dramatic, public break-up. She assumes Liam will come crawling back to her now that Naomi's been exposed. She's forgetting, of course, that Liam never wanted her in the first place. He has no qualms telling her as much, and it's kick-ass because the surfing slag had it coming. Ivy returns home as Dixon wraps up his DJ duties, and he consoles her over the end of her non-relationship with Liam. And by "console" I mean admits he has feelings for her. D'oh! She's just vulnerable and pathetic enough to go for it.
Annie and Silver dress up like Amy Winehouse-meets-Real Housewives in order to score a test drive on a replacement car. Is it just me or did the car she chose to signify the end of the Jasper era look exactly like Jasper's? Damn, she's oblivious. Their little joy ride brings on a flashback of Hobo Rampage 2009 when Annie unwittingly drives down the very same road that played host to Hobo Joe's vodka-and-self-pity-soaked death. For better or worse, Annie's PTSD gives her newfound compassion for teacher-teaser Naomi, and they bond over the equally horrific circumstances they have created for themselves. Let the joint meltdown begin!
Also, Matthews smokes up with Ivy's mom, transitioning all too quickly from a righteous mellow to harsh paranoia. Seriously, why is this guy still around? Send him over to Melrose Place so he can be dispatched of more humanely, like Ashlee Simpson(-Wentz).
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Annie killed a hobo. AAdrianna sang a ditty and scored a potential recording contract with Ivy's Matthews-boffing mom. Ivy fake-dated Dixon. Naomi twisted the truth -- more than usual -- and Liam got physical
We open in what appears to be Xanadu as Ivy's MILF mom day drinks her way into a glorious musical partnership with AAdrianna. AAdrianna admits she feels guilty about leaving The Glorious Steinems, but MILF says soon enough she'll be so busy she won't even remember ever joining a post-feminist pun(k) rock band. She invites AAdrianna to a hot industry party she's hosting, telling her to think of it as an amuse bouche of sorts for her new life. "It's going to be an amazing ride," she tells her.
Beach club. Teddy complains to Dixon about a jellyfish sting he got while surfing that morning. Dixon changes topics, wondering if he can hold off on the money he owes Teddy's dad's bookie for a bet gone wrong. He thinks the Lakers game will bring him great riches. Mmmmhmmmm. This shit is going to get real in a couple weeks, just you wait. Dixon spots Ivy and goes over to fake canoodle with her. Teddy excuses himself, and Ivy tells Dixon he can get his dirty mitts off her already.
That night, Matthews and MILF make out in his beat up old car. Matthews says he had a really good dinner. I might just lose mine. Ivy's in my camp as she knocks on the window and tells them to tamp down the PDA. MILF says Ivy's cool, but Matthews shakes his head, seemingly worried that he's losing all respect and credibility as a teacher. I've got news, Matthews: You never had it in the first place.
Speaking of PDA, AAdrianna publicly smooches RuWill at West Bev the morning. Navid inadvertently gets a front-row seat, so he follows RuWill into the Blaze room to ask how things are going with AAdrianna. He does a little tap dancing for a while until he finally blurts out the point with absolutely zero suavity: "Did I make AAdrianna gay?" Ha! RuWill laughs at him and assures him that's not how it works. If anything she made AAdrianna gay, but that's a whole 'nother can of worms I don't want to open. Nor is Navid's "skills... you know, between the sheets." He goes there regardless. A bit of awkward silence before he cutely mumbles that AAdrianna is a good person and RuWill should look after her. RuWill heads off to class, leaving Navid to face Lila's thinly veiled jealousy. He assures her he's just showing a little friendly concern, then patronizingly kisses her on the forehead.
Elsewhere, Annie and Silver look for a car to signify her emancipation from all the Jasper drama. She displays her wildly shallow understanding of Thelma & Louise when she says the car should evoke that film. Though, honestly, I wouldn't mind if bitch drove off a cliff. Annie spies a convertible '65 Ford Mustang, which couldn't symbolize independence any less if she actually bought Jasper's own used car, but she seems blissfully unaware of the similarities. She realizes immediately she can't afford the car with the insurance money from the loss of her old car, but says she wouldn't mind taking the car out for a little spin on the open road. At which point a car salesman appears and tells them they're too young (and probably dumb-looking, if we're being frank) to take the car out without company supervision. Busted!
Harry's office. He tells Naomi he and the school board are taking her sexual harassment allegations against Cannon very seriously. In fact, there will be a hearing on it. Naomi tries to act like it's not necessary to go there, but Harry has taken it out of her hands for fear that Cannon will "harass" someone else. Naomi starts to realize her moronic actions have consequences. Baby's growing up! And as swiftly as she has this epiphany, Harry naively tells her to "go in there and tell the truth, and everything's going to be fine." The X factor here being that there are about 13 versions of the truth floating around right now -- many of which are in Naomi's perm-addled head. Credits.
Lunch. Liam's phone rings -- it's his mom. He vows to never go back to her house. He sees Naomi is frazzled and promises her everything's going to be fine. Naomi starts to come clean, but Teddy, Dixon, and Navid interrupt to say everyone is talking about what "happened" to Naomi. To wit, some random girl is all "You go, Naomi!" Confession delayed.
Navid heads outside and finds AAdrianna in mid-crisis about abandoning the band. He tells her any one of the Steinems would jump on the opportunity, so she should go for it. She brings up another problem -- she could relapse big-time under the stress and temptation of the rock 'n' roll lifestyle. He tells her that her worrying about it at all shows that she's changed. She makes him promise not to tell anyone.
Inside, Ivy is watching as Dixon, for whatever reason, shows off his DJ-ing skillz. He decides to give her a very hands-on tutorial. Think "Unchained Melody" from Ghost but a million times less hot and with Bob Marley providing the soundtrack ("Everything's Gonna Be Alright"). Liam pops his head in because he thought Naomi would be there. He's gone as soon as he came, but it's enough to break the vibe for Ivy. She wonders aloud what Liam sees in Naomi. Dixon is obviously miffed that Liam just cock blocked him (albeit inadvertently).
Meanwhile, Silver and Ivy have decided dressing up like A.C. boardwalk hookers will be sufficient to convince the car salesmen to let the two of them take the car out alone. Of course Annie blows the act within the first five seconds when she's all, "My dad said I could have whatever car I wanted for my birthday." Numbskull, if the issue before was that you were too young, stop acting like a spoiled 16-year-old! Naturally, the salesman doesn't go for it and says he'll be right back with the keys to escort him on a test drive. Annie threatens to take her business elsewhere, so he bows to the pressure. The guy barely gets three steps away before they literally high five and dance around like halfwits. Real cool, ladies. Real cool.
Whatever, the damage is done. Annie and Silver head off toward the nearest cliff (I wish), laughing and shrieking over the windshield... as you do. Silver says she has no idea where they are, and Annie finally gets her bearing enough to realize she's on the main drag of Hobo-cide Highway. She gets flashbacks so bad she squeals to a stop and has to ask Silver to drive the car back to the dealership.
West Bev. As Naomi heads into her hearing she is intercepted by Cannon. He pleads with her to tell the truth because her lies will ruin his life and his marriage. Naomi's face crumples (and, man she has never looked uglier... girlfriend cannot do guilt-face well -- proof she should do scheming bitch exclusively). She very nearly says she's sorry, but Liam turns a corner to see Cannon and gets all territorial. Cannon scurries off, and Liam comforts Naomi, who is obviously shattered -- just not for the reasons he thinks she is. As he consoles her, he lets slip that he loves her. She takes it in that he just told her something that, honestly, probably no one else in her life has ever told her (at least in a very long time). She tells him she loves him, too, and they kiss before she goes into the hearing. Liam promises to wait for her until it's over.
Blaze room. Lila storms in moaning about AAdrianna going AWOL on the band. Navid doesn't even pretend he's surprised and says it was a big opportunity, so she had to take it. Lila objects not to the opportunity but to the fact that Navid kept such a big secret from her. She says it's clear where his loyalties lie and stomps out.
Naomi's hearing. Harry asks her to speak first. She lays out the facts, pausing right before the proverbial money shot. And, somewhat shockingly, she does the right thing. Who knew? She admits that nothing happened and that she lied. Cannon clut
ches his wife in sheer relief. They leave, and Harry tells Naomi she's in some serious shit right now. She admits she has no excuse. He can't rightly pretend none of this happened, so he'll have to consult the board to determine a suitable punishment. She heads outside to find that Liam is not there like he said he'd be. As we learned earlier in the caf, news travels fast. We see Liam walk outside, get in his car, and drive away as Luke from Gilmore Girls (sans backwards baseball cap) watches from his own car.
Back inside, Ivy tells Dixon she scored a DJ-ing gig for him at her MILF's industry party that weekend. Dixon is gob smacked at his first gig. Before he gets too big-headed, she tells him she wants a big, public break-up in exchange. She's convinced that Liam will dump Naomi after the Cannon shenanigans, and she wants to be there to pick up the pieces (of ass). Dixon isn't too keen on the idea, as he is obviously more into the fauxmance than she is. He claims he doesn't want to be the dumpee, so Ivy sacrifices her own pride. She does insist that he avoid words like "clingy" and claim instead that she "had a wandering eye." She saunters out, and Dixon shakes his head that even his fake girlfriends don't want to date him.
Xanax-adu. MILF pulls out her finest reefer for Matthews to sample. He says he used to be called "Wake 'n' Bake" in college and should probably lay off. He adds that he's not comfortable with the whole "dating and smoking up with a student's MILF" thing. MILF assures him that Ivy's been rolling doobies since she was a wee lass, plus she probably won't show up to the party anyway. It's not her scene. Yeah, there are actual people with fashion sense and hygiene (and vaginas) there.
AAdrianna's. The rising star frets over which outfit to wear to the big industry to-do. Unhelpful RuWill sulks over AAdrianna consulting Navid first in her solo-versus-Steinems dilemma. AAdrianna promises there's nothing going on with Navid, and she'd rather RuWill be her date to the party. RuWill says she doesn't want to go to the party because she's worried about her own sobriety. It's a fair point, but she is ultra-bratty in the delivery, telling AAdrianna she should just take Navid. AAdrianna's all, "Well I'm rubber and you're glue. Nah-nah-nah." RuWill tells her to screw herself, and they've officially had their first fight.
Beach. Ivy catches Liam coming up from the waves to deliver a poorly scripted, obviously self-serving apology for his (presumed) break-up with Naomi. He gives her a gruff thanks and keeps walking. Ivy says at least Liam now knows that Naomi is selfish and manipulative. It's kind of rich considering those appear to be her top two traits in this very moment. She announces that, now that Liam's relationship with Naomi is over, he can move on. He throws it back in her face, asking sourly if she expects that he'll move on with her. She totally does and is busted. He tells her it's never going to happen with her and leaves her to stew in her own juices.
Xanax-adu. Ivy's MILF listens as Matthews embarks on a full-on stoner ramble about '80s music videos, then very nearly gives her a lap dance. As she laughs (at rather than with him, I'd prefer to think), he spots the DJ, who "looks just like one of [his] students." MILF tells him it is one of his students, then waves at Dixon, and gets jiggy with it. Ryan goes from zero to paranoia instantly, which is amped up by a factor of a million when he spots AAdrianna on the other side of the room. He gets testy that MILF didn't tell him his students would be around and stumbles out, but won't let anyone harsh her buzz. Meanwhile, keep it all in perspective, Matthews. Dixon is one thing, but AAdrianna used to be a straight-up drug addict. I think she can handle your giggles and munchies. As MILF would so unhiply advise, "Chillax, man!"
Back at West Bev, Lila enters the gussied up Blaze room to find Navid in a tux. She wonders what's going on, so he explains that he's reconstructed their cotillion. He apologizes for stepping on her feet all those years ago and, more recently, showing more loyalty to AAdrianna than to her. He asks for "another another chance," and they dance around the room together. This time with less bruised toes! It's pretty adorable. I love Navid. I wish they'd use him better.
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Speaking of poorly used characters, Dixon is in the thick of his clowning out as MILF's DJ du jour. Across the room, MILF is introducing her industry insider friends to AAdrianna, whom she describes as "Sia meets Inara George with a hint of Kate Nash." Side note: I know two of those people! Does that make MILF dated or me still passably in sync with pop culture? I'll take the latter and call it a day. But I digress... MILF throws it over to AAdrianna to wow the crowd with her sparkling personality. Epic fail. MILF pulls AAdrianna away, saying she has more people to meet. She pulls old grouchface aside and asks her why she's fucking up her chance to hobnob. AAdrianna explains the RuWill situation and MILF is shockingly cool about it. Instead of being all, "This is your big break, leave that bitch behind and suck it up!" (which I'm guessing is much more common), she tells AAdrianna not to crumble under the pressure of the industry and to go make nice with her ladyfriend.
Back in the other room, Dixon spots Ivy enter with her own grouchface on. He abruptly changes whatever tune he was playing to the same Bob Marley jam he played earlier in their one-on-one DJ lesson. Ivy slowly warms up as Dixon sings and generally acts a fool. Worst. DJ. Ever. All the flash, none of the skills.
Not too long after, AAdrianna has made her way to RuWill's house. She desperately apologizes for being insensitive and choosing Navid over her. RuWill is acting strangely, then mumbles that AAdrianna's come at kind of an awkward time. Cue the ex-girlfriend shame-walking out of the bathroom, still buttoning up her shirt. AAdrianna can't believe she got cheated on after she went gay for this hussy. RuWill tries to explain, but it's about as effective as any cheater's excuses -- and maybe even a little less considering AAdrianna has literally been gone like two hours. At most. That's not insecurity, it's just slutty. And shitty.
Clarkette Compound. Naomi catches Liam as he walks in. She admits she screwed up on a scale heretofore unknown even to her. She says she regrets it immensely and tries to explain how things spiraled out of control. He speaks only to tell her that he's going back to his mother's house. Naomi reminds him that he said it was the last place in the world he wanted to be. Make that second-to-last place, I guess.
Xanax-adu. Dixon has wrapped up his set and finds Ivy to thank her for the mitzvah. He brags about getting some important-looking guy's card. He better follow up on that shit, too, because it sounds like his new gambling habit is going to require him to start working. But we're not here to talk about Dixon's problem. It's all about Ivy for the moment. Dixon asks if she's okay, goofing around until she fesses up that Liam rejected her. Dixon says Liam's an idiot because Ivy's amazing. She says she's ready to move on already. Good news to Dixon, who can finally admit that he's developed on a little crush on his fake girlfriend. He asks her out on a real date, and she is just dejected enough to say yes.
Elsewhere, a still-tuxedoed Navid hits up a café for a post-cotillion coffee. He finds AAdrianna there writing a song about her girlfriend, the lesbian world's Tiger Woods. Instead of saying, "Karma's a bitch, bitch!" Navid empathizes with AAdrianna and tells her he's proud of how much she's grown. This kind of mess would once have driven her on a bender. Now she's indulging in coffee and clichés just like all the other sober creative types worldwide. AAdrianna invites him to stay for a while and shows him the beginnings of her blues-inflected riff on bicuriosity.
MILF Manor. Ivy's mom finds Matthews, who didn't leave after all -- he couldn't find his car on account of the wacky weed. She apologizes for not considering the consequences he'd face as a result of their relationship and gives him an easy out of the relationship. He tells her he's a big boy, then bums a hit off her marijuana cigarette. Newsflash, buddy: Big boys bring their own supplies.
Liam enters his boathouse/bedroom and throws down his keys. He stops in his tracks when he sees Luke from Gilmore Girls. Turns out, the watcher is his biological father, who's fresh out of the Big House. He says he missed Liam and took the first bus out to California to see him. Liam is legitimately happy for maybe the first time ever, and they embrace several times.
La Nueva Casa. Annie skitters into her room and is horrified to find a poster-sized picture of Hobo Joe hanging on her wall, smiling triumphantly, still in the business suit of his wealthy, pre-itinerant days. We must wonder: Has Jasper busted out of the loony bin?! But as soon as the possibility arises, and as soon as she rips the poster down in a frenzy, the poster magically reappears on the wall. Ah, the hackneyed nightmare sequence! Annie repeats her Sisyphean task of ripping the poster down again and again and again until eventually the camera swirls around her to show the entire room plastered with the posters of the man she murdered. Finally she wakes up in a cold sweat. I love how she's only having this sort of dream now that she's gotten off Scot-free. Annie always has to find some way to make it about her own suffering and trauma, doesn't she? Douche.
West Bev, morning. Naomi ugly-guilt-faces her way inside. The sad part is that she is obviously more horrified by people's open ridicule than by her own low-life actions. Mean Girls never learn. Annie, who is somewhat familiar with wallowing in shit she created, spots Naomi and heads over to commiserate. She assures Naomi (incorrectly) that she's not a terrible person. Naomi moans about how she said "one thing" that spiraled completely out of control. Annie finishes her sentence about how lies can sometimes take on a life of their own and become nightmares you can't wake up from. She tells Naomi she gets it, and they literally lean on each other for support. And they'll need it. Ain't nobody comin' to these damn-sels in distress.
In two weeks: Liam reconnects with Naomi, only to put the moves on Annie. Teddy pisses off Silver something fierce. And Jen comes back to show these amateurs how it's done.
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