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Annie opens the episode where she closed last week's: On the phone with suicidal Jasper. She quickly realizes he's going to hurl himself from the Hollywood sign in true dramatic wanker fashion. Luckily, the dipshit can't even kill himself right. He makes it out with a couple broken legs, a sprained shoulder, and a one-way ticket to the psych ward. Annie pretends she cares about his physical and mental health for a hot second until he calls her out for just wanting him to keep his trap shut about her hobo hit-and-run. Despite her admission she'll never love him, or even be with him, Jasper promises never to expose her murderous ways. Man, he really is crazy. What follows is perhaps the foremost of Annie's very few awesome moments (one of which being when she lied that she slept with Liam just to stick it to Naomi) as she struts out of the hospital, her martyred expression twisting itself into a grotesque, self-gratified grin.
Speaking of lying liars and the lies they tell, Naomi effectively paints herself into a corner after claiming she was sexually harassed by a teacher. Seeing what perks it has in the form of friends' support and nookie from Liam, she lets the lie float around like the aftermath of a particularly juicy fart. She even makes a fake therapy appointment to keep the love of her mystified minions. Naturally, this pace can't keep on forever. Her hand is forced when she hams up the PTSD a little too much and Liam decides to take matters into his own hands -- or should I say fists? He gets all tough-guy with Naomi's supposed harasser, scoring an audience with Harry. Naomi busts up the expulsion session, and finds herself facing down a moral dilemma: Fess up to her ever-mushrooming fib or stick to the script? I think you can pretty well guess which one she chooses.
And completing the liefecta, Dixon and Ivy band together in their loserdom and decide the quickest way to creative waves in their couple-infested friendship group is to... become a couple? They prove themselves to be the five-year-old boys we all knew they were by dubbing each other with fecally inspired pet names. Ugh. Even when Naomi seemingly cottons on to their scheme, Ivy ups the stakes by making out with Dixon. He raises no objections to a little bullshit booty, so they carry on with their charade. I'd compare them to Rachel and Puck, but, frankly, it would be an insult even to that ill-conceived machination. Not to mention that Dixon seems to be buying into his own con by episode's end. Get with the program, man!
And then there were... Silver and Teddy, who spend the whole time one-upping each other on who knows the other better. Silver wins most of the face-offs handily, until Teddy surprises her with a heartfelt present (a vintage copy of Madame Bovary) that proves he's been listening all along. Someone else who's been listening -- likely to her own detriment -- is RuWill, who has become a roadie-slash-groupie for AAdrianna's band The Glorious Steinems. On the brink of their first gig, it becomes clear AAdrianna's not ready to out herself in their relationship yet. Then, when she has a just-for-plot-purposes case of stage fright, she realizes she has to face her fears in all areas of life and publicly kisses her new girlfriend to celebrate a gig well done. Well done by some standards -- low ones, namely.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Navid drove AAdrianna positively gay with jealousy by finding a new girl -- whose band AAdrianna inadvertently became the lead singer. Naomi found herself in the sights of the new Blaze adviser and decided to cook up a little sexual harassment scandal to turn the tables on him. 'Cause that's gonna end well. Probably about as well as Liam deciding to shack up with Naomi... And about as well as Matthews' new fling with Ivan from The L Word (or Doc from Roadhouse, if you prefer) -- who's Ivy's mom, btw... And about as well as Jasper's swan dive from the peak of one of Hollywood's many canyons...
Which is where we pick up at the beginning of this week's episode. Annie, having been hung up on by her psycho ex, rushes into his room. His family's out of town and the housekeeper doesn't know where he is. She leaves him a frantic message, begging him not to hurt himself. Honey, that piece of advice is too little, too late -- just like your Gap Fair Isle sweater from the '90s. Or maybe sympathy is back in fashion along with oversized florals and shorts with tights? Annie tearfully picks up a still of herself from Jasper's movie. I guess narcissism is back in vogue, too. She looks closer at the pictures and sees the Hollywood sign behind her. Instead of launching into a tearful ditty about losing her man -- though I wouldn't put it past her, that drunk drivin' diva -- she puts two and two together to realize that might be where Jasper called from. She hurries there to find him and sees him standing atop the "H." He tells her life is a pointless, humiliating joke, and he's over it.
Cut to Clarkette Compound. Liam urges Naomi to come forward about the fake sexual harassment allegation she concocted to save face with her friends. She tries to distract him with a loofah for the bathroom, then realizes he's not Bill O'Reilly. She tries to pawn it off on her crazy year with Jen, but he tells her not to let Jen hurt her enough to silence her (lies). She starts to confess, saying she's more like Jen than he realizes. He tries to assure her that she's not like Jen, adding that he wouldn't be with her if she were like Jen. And with that, Naomi has officially painted herself into a corner.
Beach club. Dixon walks by as Teddy and Silver are flirt-fighting about how Teddy didn't notice her new haircut. They break from their almost-lip lock to ask him who's with Dixon at the club. That'd be a big, fat nobody. Because Dixon's a lonely loser, get it? Teddy offers to set up Dixon with his doubles partner, who he assures Dixon is totally hot, all the while assuring Silver she's not his type. Dixon demurs.
Back at the Hollywood sign, Annie tries to get Jasper to climb down, but he gets to the rub: She doesn't love him anymore, does she? Her silence speaks volumes. He responds with his own silence, save the wind whipping past his body as he hurtles into the canyon. Credits.
When we return, Jasper's parents arrive at the hospital. Jasper's parents pelt her with questions about how their son "fell" off the Hollywood sign. Annie bites the bullet, telling them he jumped. It's a little rich, frankly, since he's been harboring her deepest, darkest secret for about six months now, and she couldn't even be bothered to ease the blow for his parents an hour later. But that's Annie for you. Jasper's parents are shocked and tell Annie to get home. She offers to stay, but they reiterate their request for her to get out of their sight (though that's really my spin on things, they're not so harsh).
Meanwhile, RuWill is over at AAdrianna's house, and she's getting a wee bit frisky watching AAdrianna iron up some shirts for The Glorious Steinems. They have a jokey, flirtatious conversation about whether RuWill is now a groupie or a roadie since her girlfriend's in the band. Either way, she ends up ironing the band decals on the shirts while AAdrianna watches. Downgrade!
The day at West Bev, Dixon loses $10 to Liam in a game of mini-basketball. He brags that he's more gifted at betting on the NBA and asks Teddy to introduce him to his dad's bookie. Dixon tells Teddy to put $250 down on the Lakers for him, but Teddy has some inside information that Kobe's knee is acting up. Dixon immediately changes his bet to the Spurs. So much for "gifted." Teddy changes topics, asking about the Cavs game from the night before. Liam starts in on why he missed it, then cuts himself off realizing he's talking about Naomi in front of Ivy. She tells him not to be a weirdo but leaves the room with a sourpuss anyway.
Outside, Dixon catches up to Ivy to ask if she's okay. She bitches that everyone's treating her like a lonely loser. This rings a bell for Dixon, who complains that Teddy treated him like a charity case when he tried to set him up with the tennis partner. "Like I need his hand-me-downs," he snorts. Well, last time I checked, you seemed all too willing to snatch 'em up, toolbag. Don't get it twisted. Either way, the two of them successfully rile each other up enough that Ivy invites Dixon to commiserate over a burger the afternoon.
Back inside, Silver and AAdrianna join Liam in the push for Naomi to come forward with her bullshit accusations. She asks about some girl's collagen injections, but they won't be distracted. Silver tells Naomi it's her moral obligation to stop Cannon from harassing someone else (which he won't). Naomi gets flustered and tells them to stop, which only prompts Liam to grab her hand sympathetically. Seeing that her faux peril has perks, she milks it and says she is a bit fraught over the whole ordeal. Silver suggests she talk to Kelly. Naomi says she'll see a real therapist. Liam gives her a protective kiss on the cheek. She soaks it up like a molding loofah.
Beach club (apparently the only place kids can go on dates in this place -- RIP Peach Pit), Silver teases Teddy about how well he doesn't know her as Naomi and Liam arrive for what is shaping up to be a double date. Teddy doesn't even know what kind of water Silver likes, though she can recite the exact proportions of iced tea to lemonade he likes in his Arnold Palmer. Across the room, Dixon and Ivy stroll in for their burger and whine date. They see the other two couples and try to make a swift exit, but Teddy spots them. Silver invites them to join, which they both quickly reject. Naomi rubs it in Ivy's face that there's plenty of room. Especially if Naomi climbs in Liam's lap. Ivy retaliates by saying that she and Dixon are on a date. Yeah, that's an awesome revenge plot: "Let's pretend to date each other! They'll be fuming with jealousy!" Sweet jeebus, she really is dumber than she looks. The reason you're both single right now is because no one wanted you to begin with. Suddenly joining forces will only amplify your individual lameness, not make you each more desirable. That only works for D-listers -- and even then it's only a 50/50 shot. To wit, while the guys give amused smiles, Naomi stage whispers to Dixon that he "can do better." Dixon makes an excuse to leave and wraps his arm around Ivy's neck, practically dragging her out by the hair so she can't say anything else damning. Once they're out of earshot, even Ivy admits she just pulled a bonehead move. But Dixon has misread their mocking faces as jealousy, so he's down to keep up the charade. I'm guessing he's about as good at trickery as he is gambling.
West Bev, day. Dixon finds Teddy trying to find a gift for Silver. Teddy apologizes for bringing it up (which he technically didn't since Dixon approached him), but Dixon says he's moved on. In fact, he even bought a special trinket for Ivy. Teddy admits he didn't see Dixon and Ivy coming. Dixon says he didn't either.
Down the hall, Annie gets a call from Jasper's dad. Sonic the Suicidal Hedgehog is going to make it, save two broken legs and a sprained shoulder. His dad says that, though he'll recover physically, things are obviously not on the up and up psychologically, so they're going to check him into a psychiatric facility after he gets out of the hospital. He says it might help Jasper open up about the trauma of his hobo uncle's death. Alarm bells go off in Annie's head. Jasper's dad adds that Jasper said he wanted to talk to Annie before he's shipped off to the loony bin and asks if she'll come by the hospital later. Annie starts shaking, but I think it's just from the exertion of mentally calculating how many bicep reps she'll have to do to get her arms in shape to grab a flimsy hospital pillow and finish the job Jasper started.
After school, Liam drops Naomi off at her "therapy session." She saunters toward the building, looking like an extra from Pretty Woman. After Liam rolls away, she plops down in a seat at the facility's outdoor café, orders a drink, and pulls out a magazine.
That night, The Glorious Steinems -- plus RuWill -- have run into trouble on the way to their first gig when West Bev is locked with their instruments inside. RuWill saves the day by suggesting a way for them to sneak in and retrieve their stuff. AAdrianna is well-impressed, so RuWill leans in for a kiss of her gratitude. AAdrianna pulls back when one of her bandmates pops her head around the corner to tell them to catch up. RuWill does not take the slight silently. Inside, she confronts AAdrianna about keeping secrets. AAdrianna she's still "trying to figure this thing out," but RuWill doesn't take kindly to their relationship being called a "thing." They catch up with the others, who are puzzling about how to lug their instruments back over the wall they used to get inside the building. Crikey, you chicks give girl power a bad name. Also, brains. The doors probably open out, nimrods.
Beach club. Dixon and Ivy arrive for another fake date. Before they head inside, he hands her a shark tooth necklace he intends to use as a foil for Teddy's gift to Silver. She pops it on, and they laugh about what a big show they're going to make of their fake romance. For now it's all talk, but you know there will be confusion aplenty when time comes for them to make out. And it will come to that, believe you me. I've seen enough paint-by-numbers primetime soaps and chick flicks to know a thing or two.
They head inside and pile it on thick. Ivy makes everyone cringe by nicknaming Dixon "Poopy" (racist!), and he sees her and raises the ante by calling her "Stinkypants" (well, that's just based in fact). Silver wonders where the band is, and Teddy jokes that they're probably busting it up somewhere like rock stars. Dixon suggests they get drinks, and Liam calls him "Poopy" on his way to the bar. Naomi notices the new couple's strained faces once the others are out of sight.
Back at school, the band sets off the school's alarm as they run out of the building with their instruments. AAdrianna goes in to give RuWill a high five, and the fiery lezzie snits, "Oh, can we do that in public?"
Beach club. Teddy presents Silver with his gift, a pair of diamond earrings. She seems taken aback by them, even refuses to put them in her ears to show him how they look. Who doesn't like diamonds? Silver, apparently.
Backstage, many of The Glorious Steinems are pumped about the big crowd for their first gig. AAdrianna? Not so much. You can see the fear (and longing for sedatives with a whiskey) in her eyes. She indeed pulls a Rayanne Graf and claims she can't do it. She claims she's never song in front of a crowd like this, which is utter hogwash since she was supposed to sing, dance, and act in Spring Awakening last Fall. But who watches this show for continuity anyhow? Needless to say, the band is displeased that she's bailing at the last minute, but they band together saying they won't go on without her.
And just like Zellweger in Empire Records, she pulls it together in time to sing 2010's answer to "Sugar High." She's shy at first, then realizes she could be singing in Russian for all it matters because the mic she's using is hooked up like an Autotune-equipped megaphone. The song is a bouncier version of The Pierces, and the crowd pretends to like it. Because that's their job.
Ivy watches from a distance until she spots her mother nearby. She walks over, and her mom full-on starts giving her the "some boy will like you, even if Liam doesn't" talk right then and there. Glad to see they both have horrible sense of appropriate context and timing. Ivy points out Liam to her mother, and mom play along with some insults to lighten her up. They hug and laugh, and then AAAAAH! It's all the parts they lopped off of Heidi Montag, put together! Oh wait, that's just Naomi lurking in the shadows, taking in their whole conversation. False accusers in glass houses, Clark...
Meanwhile, Annie visits Jasper in the hospital. He doesn't mince words, saying she's just come to make sure he won't reveal her secrets. She denies it, but does it really matter whether that was this visit's first or second priority? It was definitely on the list. He says she should have left him to die. She tells him to pipe down with the melodramatics, then kicks the bitch while he's down by saying he was preying on her all along by forming a relationship based on guilt. He asks her what incentive he has to protect her if she's not going to be with him. She admits there is none. He says everything he did for her was based on love. She counters that love can't be based on lies, but he insists there was something there. He gets misty as he repeats it to himself, a little more defeated each time. He promises he'll never tell anyone what she did. She thanks him and wishes him well. She walks out into the hallway, first wincing at what just happened. Within minutes, she pulls a full-on Keyser Söze, her grimace twisting itself into an evil smile. She's off the hook.
Beach club. Dear lord this is awful. But all the lying liars with their fake love for one another band together in the communal lie that The Glorious Steinems are a-mah-zing. Bleh. Not my cuppa. After the band wraps up, AAdrianna walks offstage and gives RuWill a very public kiss. The crowd whistles at the girl-on-girl titillation. AAdrianna explains that the gig made her realize she needs to face her fears. It's not the most complimentary analogy, but RuWill's gonna get some tonight, so she lets it slide.
Everyone heads inside, where Silver finally cops to not liking Teddy's gift. Silver acknowledges that most girls love diamonds, but for her they evoke images of kiddie slaves in Sierra Leone and indentured wifeitude in Texas. Teddy takes it in stride before he pulls out Silver's real present: A leather-bound copy of Madame Bovary. He tells her how he noticed how moved she was by the novel in Matthews' class. At the time he thought, "Stay away from that girl, she is way too much." Sounds about right. He tells her he does pay attention to detail and lets her in on the secret that the earrings he gave her aren't real diamonds. He teases that she's cute when she's mad, then assures her that she knows him.
Over at the bar, Naomi finds Ivy to say she's on to this little charade with Dixon. She calls her a pathetic loser and shoots her a look that could scorch souls. Ivy tells Naomi she has no idea what she's talking about and makes a beeline to plant a giant smooch on Dixon. He has no complaints, but she shuts him down when she brusquely explains that Naomi called their bluff. She starts to storm off, but Dixon grabs her for a second, more convincing smooch. Ivy is satisfied as Naomi turns away mid-hissy, and Dixon really likes his fake girlfriend's "can do me" attitude.
Clarkette Compound, later. Liam asks if Naomi's therapy session helped and whether she's more confident to come forward now. Credit to Naomi, she thinks quick on her conniving little feet. She whips up a story about how therapy made her realize she's not strong enough to face the judgment and "blame the victim" mentality of her classmates. She summons up some crocodile tears, so Liam pulls her in for a hug. He whispers with violent vengeance in his voice that he hates Cannon for putting Naomi in this situation. Hates him. You know where this is going, people.
The morning at West Bev, Liam watches Cannon have a misleadingly flirty conversation with a student (in which all the flirting is really on her part). He corners him in the hall (not even in the classroom, d'oh!) and gets all up in his face, calling him a piece of garbage. He hulks off as Cannon yells out to ask his name. By now the entire hall full of students has seen the altercation. Liam = moron. Never allow witnesses, dude.
Outside, Ivy's mom drops her off at school and thanks daughter for letting her borrow the car. Before she leaves, she spots AAdrianna and hops out of the car. She hands AAdrianna her card -- she's a big shot music producer -- and says she'd like to work with her. AAdrianna squeals about telling the band, but Ms. Cooper makes it clear that she's only interested in AAdrianna.
Over in the quad, Teddy takes another go at Dixon for his new, fecal nickname. Dixon changes the subject, handing Teddy the $250 he lost when Teddy's insider advice fell short and the Lakers won anyway. Thinking he erred in not trusting his instincts, Dixon bets the rest of his money on the Lakers winning a game that weekend. Teddy asks if he's sure, but Dixon has already fallen down the proverbial rabbit hole, saying he needs to make up his losses.
Back outside, Ivy's mom tries to convince her to skip school. Ivy says she can't because she's got a history test. Their conversation gives Matthews just enough time to walk past and notice his car sex partner. Ivy immediately senses the vibe, and Matthews is left with his head spinning that he banged another of his students' relatives (and that's without mentioning narc cops posing as students). I know this is a soap opera and all, but doesn't L.A. have, like, four million people? Couldn't Matthews expand the pool just a little? On the other hand, I guess there's only so big a market for half-assed hipsters with face-chafing stubble and unwarranted superiority complexes.
Dixon and Ivy meet up on the front steps and mockingly call each other their ridiculous pet names. Dixon grabs her hand, claiming it's "just in case Naomi walks by." Ivy says she likes the way Dixon thinks. Mind you, she's wearing ripped-up black jeans and a shirt with a massive Queen of Diamonds card face on it. I personally wouldn't trust someone who looks like they shop in the Ashlee Lavigne Lohan section of Hot Target, but Dixon has a proven record of bad judgment lately, so...
Inside, Silver finds Naomi to tell him that Liam's been detained for attacking Cannon. Cut to the principal's office, where Harry threatens Liam with expulsion if he doesn't fess up to why he got aggressive with a teacher. Harry sends Cannon (first name Niles? really?) back to class. He runs into Naomi along the way and tells her to say goodbye because her boyfriend's about to be expelled. Naomi bursts into the office. Liam assures her he hasn't said anything. Naomi begins her explanation and reaches a fork in the road: Confess or keep the lie going? What do you think she chooses? Hint: It's not the high road.