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The whole gang returns to the Bev Niner after a three-month winter break, and let's just say home sweet home is not all its cracked up to be. Naomi has gained one helluva tan yet lost any semblance of chemistry with Liam. They go on an ultra-romantic beach date to rekindle things now that Jen's out of the picture. Unfortunately, they realize that Jen wasn't their only stumbling block to happily ever after. They have absolutely nothing to say to each other. Luckily there are no crickets on the beach to punctuate this point. Naomi graciously (or Mean Girl-ishly, depending on how you look at it) tries to mend fences with Ivy, but I can tell you that Billabong-bedecked bitch is up to no good and will creep up in Liam's pants like a bad saltwater rash the minute Naomi turns her back. The opportunity doesn't arise just yet, though, as Naomi decides to take matters into her own hands, complete with a sexy flasher trench coat and a boathouse rendezvous. Fifteen minutes later, they're still at a loss for conversation.
For her part, Silver has gained some perspective on the whole Teddy-Dixon love triangle but loses all dignity when she admits she wants to give it a go with Dixon. Silver isn't privy to it, but Teddy is still hurt from seeing Dixon kiss her at Winter Wonderland. He confronts Dixon about it, only to have Dixon lie that he and Silver are discreetly getting back together. Teddy lashes out by stepping up his Playboy Prick act, leaving Silver hurt and confused. Dixon capitalizes on this vulnerability and asks Silver to give their relationship another go.
Jasper gains strength in the misery of others. He blackmails Annie into dating him still by threatening to report her murderous past to authorities. The good times include throwing rocks into the ocean and some run-of-the-mill peeping and molestation. And then there's Navid. Poor, stupid Navid. He hatches a plot to take Jasper down once and for all by planting some cocaine in his locker then tipping off the administration. Jasper didn't get to the top of the West Bev drug chain for nothing, though, and he pulls a reverse plant on Navid, ricocheting our witless informant into the hands of the authorities.
In also-rans, AAdrianna struggles with sober living but finds solace in Samantha Ronson wannabe Gia (Rumer Willis). And Debbie makes peace with that hooch Kelly, and even offers to set her up with a sexy yoga teacher. But lo! Debbie proves a bit hypocritical by knowingly allowing the yoga stud to harbor an arm-stroking, smoldering-sex-eyes crush on her. Who's the hooch now, Deb? Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Three months ago: It was winter. And boy those kids were attaching themselves to one another like bunnies stuck in their burrow holes for months on end. Liam and Ivy were hooking up, despite his lingering feelings for Naomi. So Ivy stepped aside like the friendly surfer chick she is and hooked up the former lovahs. Then Teddy kissed Silver, who then got jealous when some new skank in a red dress showed up to the Winter Wonderland formal and was all up in Teddy's bizness. Turns out she's his sister, which Dixon knows and conveniently didn't tell Silver because seeing Teddy and Silver getting closer revived his feelings for her. So he kissed her. Naturally Teddy saw that go down. Meanwhile, everyone else staged an Annie-vention to get her out of the thrall of her dope-slingin' bf Jasper, formerly known as Kris (Allen) Jr. But frankly, it's been so damn long I'm not going to bother confusing you people with tenuous nicknames with year-old cultural references in them. It's hard enough to keep track of the main cast with hiatuses like these. Plus I suspect Jasper won't be around long anyway. Just long enough to destroy Annie's life, though! Lest we forget, she's a drunk-drivin' hobo killer. The hobo in question was Jasper's rich uncle. And he knows everything! Suck on it, Annie. If only they would renegotiate your contract like they did your dad's.
We rejoin the residents of West Beverly Senior Center to the sounds of "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree." Wait, have we gone back in time or forward? Anyhow, Naomi and Silver share a limo on the way back from their winter break vacation. Silver attempts to tell Naomi about her New Year's resolution, but Naomi's too busy texting a million times a minute with Liam. Cut to Liam, surfing with Dixon and officially "text-whipped." The respective pairs discuss what's going down with Silver and Dixon, and it is independently agreed that they'll hash it out when school starts back up.
Over at La Nueva Casa, Debbie prepares a celebratory dinner for the family. She tells Harry that Annie will be returning home from visiting Tabitha (how I miss that old bag!) in Vegas and seems to have a stank-free attitude these days. Miracle on the Strip! As Harry sets up the table, Debbie looks through the mail and suspiciously eyes an invite to a fundraiser that Kelly -- who is also not long for this world -- is certain to attend. He assures her he has avoided Kelly since he found out about her crush on him, but Debbie says she won't let anyone else's issues determine her schedule. She's going to the damn fundraiser. How very Real Housewives of her. Hopefully she gets "naked wasted" or at least flips a table.
Elsewhere, Dixon drives Annie home from the airport, and they seem to have completely patched up their relationship. He talks to her about his rekindled feeling for Silver and how he's going to talk with her tomorrow. This gives Annie a case of the angst about seeing Jasper the day. Dixon tells her she already did the hard part and broke up with him, so it could be worse. Yeah, like he could tell everyone she's a murderer. That could be worse. Oh, remember those quaint days when Annie's biggest problem was AAdrianna boffing Ty behind her back? Now she's cashed in her V-card to a sociopath pusher who's blackmailing her. Speak of the twee devil, the kids arrive home. When Annie drops off her luggage upstairs, she finds flowers with a note from Jasper -- and the window suspiciously open. Dun-dun-dun!
The morning, Naomi and Silver are the first to arrive at West Bev. Naomi is fixating on her leathery brown skin (which is apparently not tan enough) and chirping about some party that weekend at the beach club when they awkwardly run into AAdrianna. They exchange pleasantries, which only serve to remind AAdrianna how not involved she is in their lives. They split up and head inside. Before they get there, we find Liam and Dixon chatting with Navid. He went to Northern California and has inexplicably come back with a bag of white powder. Given Navid's intense battle with AAdrianna to get her off the drugs, I am not as ready to jump to the conclusion that it's Navid taken to the nose candy. But I don't have salt water sloshing around my brain like Dixon and Liam. So there's that. Credits.
We return to outtakes from Blow, and Navid explains that he only has the drugs so he can plant them in Jasper's locker, then tip off the authorities. He points to a nearby sign that says, "If you see something illegal, say something! You are not a rat. You are a hero." He thinks his janky little sting operation will make him the latter. On a side note, I love how Navid had to go to Northern California to get coke. Because nobody does cocaine in L.A. And he's so smug about it. It's kind of endearing. Liam and Dixon confirm that this is a crap plan -- even worse than his "Boys of Blaze" idea. But Navid will not be dissuaded and even has a notion to get hold of a master list of student locker combinations from the principal's office. And guess who he needs to get it? Dixon! Who swiftly rejects him.
Down the hall, Annie opens her locker to spy Jasper in her vanity mirror, horror-movie style. He swoons how much he missed her, so she doesn't mince words. She tells him they're over, she's breaking up with him. He threatens to tell the police about her hobo homicide tendencies. She starts to cry and asks why he's doing this to her. He tells her that he loves her and wants them to put their mistakes behind them. If she promises to do so, he'll keep her secret. He extends his hand, and she takes it, proving blackmail is the surest way to a woman's heart. Naomi and Silver see them walking hand-in-hand and disapprove.
Some time later, Dixon finds Silver alone in a room and broaches the topic of their kiss at the formal. She blurts out that it was obviously a mistake, that she was feeling vulnerable after Teddy rejected her, and maybe she just jumped to conclusions. Dixon, obviously taken aback, silently rides the wave of rejection as Silver says she's going to talk to Teddy later. He says he'll talk to her later before slumping out of the room like Charlie Brown.
Outside, Naomi sits down at Ivy's lunch table and starts up a little small talk. Ivy mistakenly thinks Naomi is actually interested in her grrrrl power comic book and starts yammering about the characters. Naomi cuts her off: "Whoa! Spoiler alert!" Pretty masterful if I do say. Also, hilarious. She gets down to business and thanks Ivy for stepping aside for her and Liam. She even brought her a gift back from vacay. It's a leopard-print Fendi baguette with red accents, a complete 180 from Ivy's actual taste (if you can consider her Quiksilver sale rack wardrobe taste). Quoth Naomi, "I hope you don't have one already!" Ivy assures her she doesn't.
On the football field, Teddy and Dixon have conveniencidentally been paired up for UFC-style sparring practice. And this is where Teddy gets his rage out. To his credit, he confronts Dixon to his face about kissing Silver instead of just beating the crap out of him. Though there is a bit of that, too. He asks if there's something going on between them. Instead of saying no, as an honest person would do, Dixon tells Teddy he and Silver are considering getting back together but want to keep things on the DL. What a D-bag.
Back outside, Annie sits at a table alone (unless you count her eight-inch long roots). She wistfully watches all the normal, un-blackmailed people. Naomi and Silver join her and ask about her break before asking her about Jasper. She tells them it's complicated. They beg to differ -- he's a pusher, a creep, and greasy (Naomi adds this at the end because it's clearly the worst sin in her mind). Annie tells them to back off and storms away.
Silver heads back inside and finds Teddy. She broaches the subject of the dance, but he cuts her off telling her she was right about him: "Once a player, always a player." She is obviously hurt, and so is he but just shows it differently. Specifically, by throwing in her face the names of all the possible girls he might take to the beach party that weekend. He gives her a smug grin, and she walks off. He watches her go, and his smirk reveals a bit of regret. They part ways, and Navid passes into view. Jasper crosses his path, and Navid smarmily calls out to him like they're bros or something. Hint for Hero Navid: Don't make it quite so obvious when you're about to single-handedly try to take someone down. Especially a drug dealer. Down the corridor, Naomi finds Dixon to tell him about Annie and Jasper. She agrees that it's not her place to interfere but thinks Annie might listen to him.
Across town, AAdrianna gets out of her AA meeting and runs into Gia (a.k.a. Rumer Willis), who is also in recovery -- and has gotten even more Sam Ronson-esque over the break. RuWill asks if AAdrianna would like to join some of the others for a bowling game, but AAdrianna respectfully declines. She says she doesn't want AA to be her whole life. RuWill says she thought AAdrianna could use some friends who understand what she's going through. AAdrianna claims her
friends do get it, but RuWill tells her to call if she ever needs to talk. Then she gives her her Blaze card. What a tool bag. But if it's Navid AAdrianna is looking to replace, I guess that card might just be enough to plant a seed of possibility. In fact, I know it is.
That evening, Liam and Naomi are on the beach for a romantic dinner that she's been obsessively planning for weeks. They try to catch up, but they keep talking over each other, and it's super-awkward. The bit they do get in only serves to expose how little they have in common. Naomi starts to talk about redecorating her house with a Feng Shui expert and inadvertently brings up Jen's abrupt departure. Liam apologizes for the millionth time as Naomi tells him she doesn't want to talk about it. Awkward pause.
Casa Nueva. Annie and Dixon share tips on how to trick Harry into thinking they're doing homework when they're really trolling the web. Dixon delicately mentions that he heard about Annie and Jasper. She tells him to butt out and not to mess up their tentative peace. He agrees to leave it be before exiting her room. He barely gets two steps out the door before phoning Navid and committing to help with Operation: Jostle Jasper.
The day, Ivy asks Liam about his date with Naomi. He thinks it's weird to talk about that stuff with her, but she tells him she's totally over him and says Naomi gave her a "BFFs 4eva" pocketbook. Liam reluctantly admits that the date was strained. Actually, he says, "It sucked." They agree it was worth a shot. He heads inside as a devilish grin spreads across Ivy's face.
Over in the principal's office, Navid and Dixon march in with similar "cat that ate the canary" smiles on their faces. Dixon asks Harry's secretary if he can leave a note on his dad's desk. Navid waits outside and lamely distracts the secretary while Dixon hacks into Harry's computer.
Elsewhere, Naomi desperately asks AAdrianna if she's seen Silver. She hasn't so Naomi must make do with her former besty as she spills about her date gone awry with Liam. AAdrianna says they put too much pressure on themselves, but Naomi worries they waited too long and lost their chemistry. AAdrianna reminds Naomi it's pretty easy to find out if the chemistry is still there. Naomi gets a conspiratorial look on her face before inviting AAdrianna to a friend's sister's 21st birthday party with her and Silver. She walks off, on a mission, and AAdrianna smiles at getting back into the Queen Bee's good graces.
Harry's office. Dixon finds the locker combination files and starts printing them out. But it's a slow, old printer, and he hears Harry's booming voice approaching the office. Navid stalls him for a few seconds, just long enough for the last page to print. Dixon grabs it as Harry enters and says he was going to write Harry a note on the paper. He stuffs it into his bag because now he doesn't need to. He skedaddles out of the office like a man with his pants on fire. Harry remains clueless.
Out in the parking lot, Annie gets in Jasper's car, and Silver and Naomi watch as they drive off.
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Fundraiser. Debbie, Harry, and Kelly make their tense hellos, and Kelly runs away at the first chance. Harry practically wipes beads of sweat off of his forehead that that's over. Except it's not for Debbie! She shoves her glass of wine into Harry's hand and makes a beeline for that 9021-ho.
Beach party. The tarted-up threesome make their grand entrance. Extra credit to Naomi, who is wearing nothing but a trench coat in her attempt to seduce Liam and prove their chemistry remains. She credits (read: blames) AAdrianna for this foolhardy scheme, much to AAdrianna's chagrin. Silver points out the loophole in Naomi's scheme: Liam isn't exactly a beach party kind of guy. But Naomi won't be discouraged. She grabs some drinks from a waiter, and the ladies toast. AAdrianna takes one sip and realizes there's rum in her Coke. She tries to brush it off like it's no big deal, but makes an excuse to call RuWill on the verge of tears. She asks if they can meet up, and RuWill informs her that she's just across the room. Panic-mode AAdrianna explains her screw-up, and RuWill tells her to calm down because it'll take time for her to get the swing of sober living. And that's not all she'll be swinging in the few weeks, my friends.
Back at the fundraiser, Debbie corners Kelly for a little "friendly" chat. Kelly tells her there's no reason to feel threatened. Debbie gets defensive, saying she doesn't feel threatened. Kelly explains that she's been emotionally vulnerable with all that's gone down with Silver and her mom of late, and Harry was there to lean on through it all. She promises Debbie she tried to avoid trouble as soon as she realized she'd developed feelings for Harry. She says she would never cross the line. Debbie softens a bit.
Meanwhile, Jasper tries to hang out with Annie like nothing ever happened. His activity of choice? Throwing rocks into the ocean. Yeah, that's really going to take her mind off what a psycho you are, moron. She says she's bored, so he suggests they see a movie. She gets extra-bitchy about how she never really liked all the movies they saw together and that she was just trying to impress him. She keeps insulting his movies -- which, as we know, are basically his life -- until he gets so mad he screams at her to stop before hurling a rock into the parking lot. It smashes the window of a parked car nearby. Annie looks terrified as he calls her out for trying to alienate him and get him to break up with her. He tells her it's not going to work because they're "not like other couples." They're soul mates, he says, and soul mates are forever. He clasps her hands in his and looks lustfully into her eyes. Man, oh man. This is going to end with her head in a box. Actually... I might be okay with that.
A bit later, he drops her at home. She tries to escape as quickly as her little twig legs can carry her, but he catches her and forces her to give him a goodnight kiss. He pulls away, and she seriously looks like she just threw up in her mouth a little. Pure disgust. And a little fear. He tells her he'll see her at school.
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Back at the no-fun-raiser, Harry warily spies Debbie and Kelly talking in a closed office. Little does he realize, they've made peace and now Debbie has gone into Yenta mode. The best defense is a good offense, as they say. Harry watches the room as Debbie wraps up the conversation with some yoga class suggestions. Kelly keeps walking, and Harry actually asks her, "WTF?" Verbatim. Debbie over-eagerly tells him that Kelly's crush stemmed from her own personal issues and not from anything special to Harry. He tries to defend his crush-worthiness, but Debbie is placated -- and relishing it.
Beach club. Silver jokes around with Dixon about Naomi's potential wardrobe malfunction. She's mid-punch line when she spots Teddy making out with whatever trick he thought would make her most jealous. She has to split, and Dixon follows behind to console her.
Meanwhile, Trench Coat Trixie heads over to Liam's whittle-rrific man cave. She opens with, "Is it hot in here?" As he goes to check the heat, she drops her coat. When he turns back around, she gives him a coy smile. He walks towards her with a big grin on his face. Wham bam, thank you Naom later, they lie breathless on Liam's bed (in his garage? in a boat?). They both start to talk, and the stilted overlap begins again. Then deafening silence, punctuated by only a few post-coital pants.
Back at the beach club, RuWill is educating AAdrianna on all the options for sober outings. AAdrianna tells her she feels better already. Then RuWill goes silent. She tells AAdrianna that she sees her ex-girlfriend across the room with a new girl. She worries she looks like a loser, but AAdrianna counters that her ex is probably jealous because she sees her with AAdrianna. To seal the deal, she plops into RuWill's lap and gives her a big kiss while the ex gawks from the sidelines. The ex huffs by, and AAdrianna laughs that, if she wasn't jealous before, she sure is now. RuWill wonders why she did that, and AAdrianna said RuWill helped her out earlier, so she wanted to return the favor. RuWill blushes, and methinks I see stars in her eyes.
Across the room, Silver bemoans her stupidity in considering giving Teddy another chance. Dixon appears to have a crisis of conscience and say he has something to tell Silver. Instead of admitting he lied about Teddy, he tells her he still likes her and has been thinking about it all break. He asks if she can forget all the horrible things he said when they broke up, then grabs her hand and asks for another chance. Silver looks down at his hand, pausing to consider her options.
Casa Nueva. Annie cries herself to sleep, perhaps hoping the tears will wipe off the building grime of hobo blood and self-prostitution. Her phone buzzes. A message from Jasper: "I love you. Always. And forever." Jeebus, you can practically hear the Gollum voice behind that creepmeister text. Annie launches the phone across the room. It hits the door frame and breaks into pieces. The camera cuts to a view from Annie's window, panning down as she heaves in sobs. Jasper's POV?
The morning, Kelly and Debbie are on the beach for a sunrise yoga class. Debbie chats up Kai, the instructor, to Kelly as a possible new fella for her. Kai (a Slade Smiley knock-off if I ever saw one) approaches, but it appears he only has eyes for Debbie, including suggestive arm caressing. Kelly's all, "Et tu, Debbie?" Debbie acts bashful about it, claiming the hands-on contact is "just his yoga shtick." Mmmhmmmm. The class members close their eyes as they do yoga breathing to start the class. Debbie takes a peek to find Slade Smiley Lite making sex eyes at her. She closes her eyes, not a little bit self-satisfied.
Over at West Bev, Navid and Dixon join a group of kids who have gathered to watch a policeman perform a "random" locker check. They cockily wonder, "What could have prompted that?" The guy checks Jasper's locker. It's clean. Sonic the Wedgehog shoots a smirk at Navid. Uh oh. Guess whose locker is . If you guessed Navid, then I've got a confiscated bag of Bolivian marching powder that's up for grabs. That Jasper sure is crafty. Natural side effect of being up 24 hours a day, I suppose.
week: Naomi and Ivy manage to get suckered into a hiking expedition and entangled in a beach fight all in the same episode. Can Jasper take Ivy with her when he goes?
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