By Lady Lola
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.The whole gang returns to the Bev Niner after a three-month winter break, and let's just say home sweet home is not all its cracked up to be. Naomi has gained one helluva tan yet lost any semblance of chemistry with Liam. They go on an ultra-romantic beach date to rekindle things now that Jen's out of the picture. Unfortunately, they realize that Jen wasn't their only stumbling block to happily ever after. They have absolutely nothing to say to each other. Luckily there are no crickets on the beach to punctuate this point. Naomi graciously (or Mean Girl-ishly, depending on how you look at it) tries to mend fences with Ivy, but I can tell you that Billabong-bedecked bitch is up to no good and will creep up in Liam's pants like a bad saltwater rash the minute Naomi turns her back. The opportunity doesn't arise just yet, though, as Naomi decides to take matters into her own hands, complete with a sexy flasher trench coat and a boathouse rendezvous. Fifteen minutes later, they're still at a loss for conversation.
For her part, Silver has gained some perspective on the whole Teddy-Dixon love triangle but loses all dignity when she admits she wants to give it a go with Dixon. Silver isn't privy to it, but Teddy is still hurt from seeing Dixon kiss her at Winter Wonderland. He confronts Dixon about it, only to have Dixon lie that he and Silver are discreetly getting back together. Teddy lashes out by stepping up his Playboy Prick act, leaving Silver hurt and confused. Dixon capitalizes on this vulnerability and asks Silver to give their relationship another go.
Jasper gains strength in the misery of others. He blackmails Annie into dating him still by threatening to report her murderous past to authorities. The good times include throwing rocks into the ocean and some run-of-the-mill peeping and molestation. And then there's Navid. Poor, stupid Navid. He hatches a plot to take Jasper down once and for all by planting some cocaine in his locker then tipping off the administration. Jasper didn't get to the top of the West Bev drug chain for nothing, though, and he pulls a reverse plant on Navid, ricocheting our witless informant into the hands of the authorities.
In also-rans, AAdrianna struggles with sober living but finds solace in Samantha Ronson wannabe Gia (Rumer Willis). And Debbie makes peace with that hooch Kelly, and even offers to set her up with a sexy yoga teacher. But lo! Debbie proves a bit hypocritical by knowingly allowing the yoga stud to harbor an arm-stroking, smoldering-sex-eyes crush on her. Who's the hooch now, Deb? Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Three months ago: It was winter. And boy those kids were attaching themselves to one another like bunnies stuck in their burrow holes for months on end. Liam and Ivy were hooking up, despite his lingering feelings for Naomi. So Ivy stepped aside like the friendly surfer chick she is and hooked up the former lovahs. Then Teddy kissed Silver, who then got jealous when some new skank in a red dress showed up to the Winter Wonderland formal and was all up in Teddy's bizness. Turns out she's his sister, which Dixon knows and conveniently didn't tell Silver because seeing Teddy and Silver getting closer revived his feelings for her. So he kissed her. Naturally Teddy saw that go down. Meanwhile, everyone else staged an Annie-vention to get her out of the thrall of her dope-slingin' bf Jasper, formerly known as Kris (Allen) Jr. But frankly, it's been so damn long I'm not going to bother confusing you people with tenuous nicknames with year-old cultural references in them. It's hard enough to keep track of the main cast with hiatuses like these. Plus I suspect Jasper won't be around long anyway. Just long enough to destroy Annie's life, though! Lest we forget, she's a drunk-drivin' hobo killer. The hobo in question was Jasper's rich uncle. And he knows everything! Suck on it, Annie. If only they would renegotiate your contract like they did your dad's.
We rejoin the residents of West Beverly Senior Center to the sounds of "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree." Wait, have we gone back in time or forward? Anyhow, Naomi and Silver share a limo on the way back from their winter break vacation. Silver attempts to tell Naomi about her New Year's resolution, but Naomi's too busy texting a million times a minute with Liam. Cut to Liam, surfing with Dixon and officially "text-whipped." The respective pairs discuss what's going down with Silver and Dixon, and it is independently agreed that they'll hash it out when school starts back up.
Over at La Nueva Casa, Debbie prepares a celebratory dinner for the family. She tells Harry that Annie will be returning home from visiting Tabitha (how I miss that old bag!) in Vegas and seems to have a stank-free attitude these days. Miracle on the Strip! As Harry sets up the table, Debbie looks through the mail and suspiciously eyes an invite to a fundraiser that Kelly -- who is also not long for this world -- is certain to attend. He assures her he has avoided Kelly since he found out about her crush on him, but Debbie says she won't let anyone else's issues determine her schedule. She's going to the damn fundraiser. How very Real Housewives of her. Hopefully she gets "naked wasted" or at least flips a table.