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Holy crap! Two proposed takedowns, a drug spiral in the making, cherry popping, and sibling rivalry reaching a boiling point. Things are poised for a shit storm of calamitous proportions. Bring it, bitches!
Dixon continues to mope about his dead nonexistent baby. Guilt drives him to try to get in touch with DJ Hottie, who has been ignoring his phone calls per Debbie's threats. Seeing that their son is a persistent little bastard (no pun intended), Debbie and Harry finally give him the full story on DJ Hottie's fake pregnancy. Instead of realizing that they saved him from a life of misery with a crazy hooker, he turns into a little bitch about it and throws it in Debbie's face that she's not his real mother. He also remains on bad terms with Annie, but that's mostly her fault.
Silver's story starts more than a decade ago, when Jackie was too drunk to remember her own name, let alone her accidental daughter's birthdays. So Silver started celebrating half-birthdays to dull the pain of unfulfilled expectations. Flash forward to the present: Naomi is especially keen on celebrating Silver's half-birthday this year since being Jackie's primary caregiver has put a damper on Silver's social life. But Silver thinks it's too much and tries to cancel it. Teddy gets wind of the situation and goes to work his charms on Jackie. He chips in some of his father's Hollywood set designers and allows Jackie to fulfill every one of Silver's birthday wishes since she was five years old. And she plans to have a proper barbecue with all of her friends. This amends-making comes not a moment too soon, because the morning of the party, Jackie goes and pulls a Joyce Summers on Silver's ass. Sadness.
Kris Jr. confronts Navid about whole "drug dealer" rumor. He basically shames Navid into thinking he was wrong about it, ironically causing Navid to approach him to make a formal apology and see him dealing the dope -- to Aadrianna, who straight-up steals money for Silver's half-birthday present for her happy pills, but that story is still developing at a rapid clip. Navid calls her to tell her he saw her, but she denies it. Also in denial is Annie, who continues to be entranced by the over-the-top compliments Kris Jr. doles out to her on a minute-by-minute basis. Seriously, he tells her she's an amazing actress and even gets her an audition for a Shia LaBeouf movie. Now if that's not a get-in-your-pants move, I don't know what is. And it works. So, while Annie and Kris Jr. make sweet, sweet, virginity-quashing love, Navid and RuWill team up to take Kris Jr. down.
Speaking of takedowns… Liam is acting a fool all over the place, keeping his rage about Jen's lies bottled up. Instead of coming clean, he returns to his pre-Outward Boot Camp ways and starts picking fights with both friends and strangers. Finally, he comes clean to Dixon, Teddy and Ivy about sleeping with Jen, explaining the circumstances and what a manipulative hussy she is. They vow to take her down as a group. I am literally licking my lips at the prospect of this ragtag bunch going up against Jen. It's like Stephen King's It all over again. Don't forget your asthma spray, kids!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Jackie got sick, Silver got stuck with her. Teddy offered to bond over his own experiences with dead and/or dying mothers. AAdrianna crashed. Ivy crushed. Jen lied (what's new?). Annie smooched. Her new bf dealt drugs.
Harry finds Dixon in a comatose-like state playing a video game. He tells Dixon some good news: Dixon's back on the surf team. Naturally, Dixon looks this gift in the mouth. It's all a function of his guilt over the fake miscarriage and DJ Hottie's refusal to give him closure, per Debbie's instruction to get out and stay the hell out. Dixon is in the throes of an existential crisis, basically. And being a real bitch about it. As you do.
Downstairs, Harry pushes Debbie again to tell Dixon the truth about DJ Hottie making up the pregnancy. Debbie thinks it'll be worse if Dixon knows what happened and tells Harry to trust her until Dixon snaps out of his funk. Don't hold your breath, Debs.
Meanwhile, Silver feeds Jackie her health cocktail of pills and electrolytes before going over Jackie's nursing schedule for the day. Jackie is amazed how organized Silver is. Silver says she's always been organized, and her description of all the things she's done to demonstrate this are lost on Jackie, who was bombed out of her mind on booze for pretty much all of Silver's youth. Yeah, these two have some bonding to do. Before it's too late.
The day at West Bev, Naomi makes some gross innuendos about her BMOC boyfriend's cock, then asks whether she should accompany him and his throbbing member to a frat party at CU that weekend. She assumes no since it's Silver's half-birthday, but Silver says she doesn't plan on celebrating this year in light of her mom's illness. AAdrianna walks up looking pretty listless and dull, even though she claims she's doing better. She apologizes for being a mess and assures them she's okay. Silver heads off, leaving Naomi and AAdrianna to discuss her. Naomi's worried that Silver isn't up for celebrating, and AAdrianna agrees it would be a good way to take her mind off of Jackie for a bit. They decide to at least get her a gift -- a massage. Now that she's back on the pills, AAdrianna says she's a little low on cash. Naomi offers to cover it as long as AAdrianna picks up the gift certificate. She hands her a card and a wad of cash. This is going nowhere fast.
In the hallway, Liam finds Matthews to clear his name after Jen told Matthews he hit on her. He calls her a psychotic bitch, which I suspect isn't going to win any favor with her boyfriend. And I would be right. Matthews says he thinks Liam's dad is right: Liam is a bad seed. Matthews enters his classroom, and Liam stomps over to his locker. Ivy finds him there to brag about eating 11 packets of butter in a bet that morning. She senses his tension and follows him down the hall trying to talk about it with him. In short order, he snaps and tells her to back off. She's not his girlfriend. More weepy eyes from Ivy.
Down the hall, Teddy walks up as Naomi continues her campaign for Silver to have a half-birthday celebration. Her primary argument is that not having a party will deny Naomi the chance to wear a dress that gives her "lots of cleavage, excellent ass." As if that's a thing she pulls out for special occasions. Better reformulate that argument, home girl. Naomi runs off to meet BMOC, leaving Silver to explain to Teddy why she celebrates her half birthday. In short, Jackie fucked up a lot as a mom. Specifically, on Silver's tenth birthday, she got so wasted that Silver had to cancel a camping party she'd been anticipating for weeks. After that, Silver gave up on birthdays because there was too much expectation and inevitable disappointment. So celebrating her half-birthday guarantees that she doesn't get let down. Teddy speculates what he could get Silver for her half-birthday, including but not limited to a half-bikini, but Silver gets distracted when she sees AAdrianna giving them the stink eye.
In the Blaze room, Navid edits RuWill's footage on the piece about drug use at West Bev. Coincidentally, Kris Jr. chooses this time to confront Navid about telling Annie that Kris Jr. is a drug dealer. Navid won't reveal his sources, so he tells Navid to be as responsible a friend as he is a journalist and check out his sources. Kris Jr. lays down a thick sob story about having no friends and being subject to the rumors of kids who hate him. Navid, being a stand-up guy, falls for it and feels instant remorse. Bouncy credits.
Out in the quad, Annie finds Kris Jr., and they do the high school "I missed you!" -- "I missed you more!" thing. Kris Jr. tells her he showed his father the footage from his art school wannabe film, and his dad was impressed. The cherry on top is that he leveraged the positive response to get Annie an audition for a Shia LaBeouf movie. She is ecstatic, and they joke about what will happen when Annie becomes a big star.
Over in the caf, Ivy finds Dixon, Teddy, and Navid. She immediately asks them what's up with Liam. Teddy says he's been a snappy asshole lately, then gets distracted by Ivy's adventures scarfing down butter. As they patter back and forth about curly fries, tater tots, and the like, Ivy tries to keep on the topic of Liam. They're not too keen on talking it out with Liam. Turns out he's not a verbalizer. Shocking, I know. Ivy gives them a hard time for not being concerned enough about their friend's emotions. Because that's totally how guys are.
Outside, Silver and AAdrianna chat over lunch. Silver clears that air about her recent hanging out with Teddy. She assures AAdrianna they're just friends and have been bonding over their cancer-stricken mothers. She offers to sever the friendship if it's hurting AAdrianna, though. AAdrianna puts on a strong face and tells her it's fine. Then she goes into the bathroom and pops pills.
Later, Silver's at home tussling with the doctor over some records she needs to get for her mother. Teddy stops by to give her some assignments and a cup of coffee. He notices she seems frazzled, and she explains that she's overbooked, needing to stay at home for her mom and pick up some important medical records. Teddy offers to stay with Jackie while she drives to the doctor's office. She gratefully runs out the door.
Back at West Bev, Navid checks in with Dixon re: DJ Hottie. Dixon wishes he could properly apologize to DJ Hottie for not being there in her time of need. Navid spots Kris Jr. and says he, too, has some apologizing to do. He approaches, only to see Kris Jr. slide into AAdrianna's car and sell her drugs. And how does cash-strapped AAdrianna pay for these drugs? By stealing the money Naomi gave her for Silver's half-birthday present, of course.
Silver returns home to hear Jackie and Teddy giggling and having the time of their lives playing card games.
Over at AAdrianna's house, her cell phone rings, and she smiles widely at the caller. It's Navid. She starts to tell him how glad she is to hear from him, but he gets to the point: He saw her buying drugs. She throws it in his face that he shouldn't be calling since she's not his problem anymore. He tells her he still cares for her. She lies that he didn't see anything, then hangs up on him.
Casa Nueva. Dixon tells Harry and Debbie that he's going over to DJ Hottie's to apologize to her face. Debbie tries to dissuade him, saying it's obvious that DJ Hottie is avoiding him. He won't hear it, so Harry scrambles, telling him they're about to have dinner. Dixon says he'll just go afterwards, and Debbie realizes she's cooked. She and Harry have him sit down so they can finally tell him the truth: DJ Hottie was never pregnant in the first place, and Debbie cast her out of the kingdom. Dixon is stunned. He feels betrayed that his parents knew such a massive secret and kept it from him. Debbie says she didn't want it to come out like it has. She was protecting him so he wouldn't stop trusting women. His response, rightly, goes a little like, "You didn't want me to stop trusting women, so you lied to me in the biggest way possible?" Debbie has no response.
Across town, Annie stinks up Kris Jr.'s with her robot-like line reading for the audition the day. Instead of clamping a clothespin over his nose, Kris Jr. compliments her for about 12 minutes straight, saying how beautiful and intelligent and deep she is. He caps it off saying he can't believe how lucky he is to have found her. Being a hobo murderer without any self-esteem to speak of, she falls head over heels for it. Kris Jr. carries on with the line reading, but she breaks character and tells him she loves him. He says that wasn't her line, and she's immediately embarrassed because obviously he doesn't feel the same way (or maybe he's just disoriented from the stench of their own self-appreciation). He says, on the contrary, he does love her, he just wanted to say it first. He pulls her in for some more making out. And, I have to admit, he's pretty damn sexy, despite the unctuous flattery and Sonic the Hedgehog hairdo. When it counts, though, Kris Jr. is a man.
The day, Navid finds Kris Jr. in the hall and calls him a scumbag. He tells him he saw the drug deal, but Kris Jr. insists she was paying him back for some lunch money he let her borrow. Then he rubs it in that she and Navid broke up. Navid tells him to stay away from AAdrianna. Kris Jr. insists he's not a dealer for the millionth time, then adds ominously, "But if I was, I wouldn't be the kind of guy you'd want to mess with, would I?" Navid asks if Kris Jr. is threatening him. Kris Jr. plays it cool.
Out on the beach, Teddy, Ivy, and Liam wax up their boards. Liam notices some guys out in the water and gets territorial about their beach. Teddy tells him to chill, so he redirects his displaced anger onto Liam. Ivy looks at Teddy, all, "I told you so!" Teddy just shrugs it off.
Meanwhile, Silver returns home. Jackie beckons her. Silver enters the dining room, which has been set up like the moon. Party hat-wearing Jackie wishes her a happy birthday and tells her she's making up for all those lost weekends and birthdays. The moon set-up is in celebration of Silver's seventh birthday, when she wanted to be an astronaut. Jackie leads her into the room, which has a kid-sized rocket in it, and gives Silver a fishbowl space helmet to put over her mouth. Silver is amazed. Jackie tells her it's just the start. They head to another room that's bedecked with a giant boom box, sparkly pink wigs, and disco balls, amongst other things. Jackie clicks on the boom box, which plays "Girls Just Want to Have Fun." Silver realizes this is her twelfth birthday, when she was obsessed with the '80s. And, for a moment, I'm a little sad because Silver views the '80s as an artifact when it was, in fact, my childhood. Am I allowed to feel old? Silver asks how Jackie pulled off this amazing mega-party. Jackie says her nurses chipped in, but mainly it was Teddy, who spent hours gussying up the place with his movie star dad's Hollywood friends. Silver gets a little choked up that people finally care about her.
Casa Nueva. Debbie knocks on Dixon's door to apologize for good intentions begetting bad decisions. He walks out and grabs his keys from the living room, where Harry is watching a sports game. Harry stops watching the game to tell Dixon to take a chill pill, even if he is upset with his mom. Dixon pulls the ultimate bitch move and shoots a dagger straight through Debbie's heart: "Whatever. It's not like she's my real mom." Whoa. Even under the circumstances, that is some lowdown and dirty shit.
Back at Silver's birthday bonanza, she and Jackie roast marshmallows. Jackie asks why Silver wanted a camping party way back when. Silver attributes it to horror movies. She used to love them because they would take her out of her own head and distract her from her problems. Jackie realizes that she was, in fact, Silver's problems. Silver doesn't sugarcoat it. Jackie apologizes, even though she knows an apology doesn't make up for anything. Silver says that Jackie's apology means a lot to her, as does this spectacular birthday experience. She tears up, saying her biggest fear was that Jackie would die, and Silver would have no good memories to hold on to. But now they have this night together. Silver composes herself, and returns to her marshmallow to avoid any more sappiness. Jackie tells her to save her appetite for the big half-birthday barbecue she's hosting with all of Silver's friends tomorrow. Silver is thrilled. They toast their toasted marshmallows.
Out at the beach, Dixon finds Teddy surfing. He tells him he got an alert that the waves were killer, plus he needed to get out of the house and reveals what he's learned about DJ Hottie. Teddy can't believe. Dixon jokes that he needs an alert for when crazy girls approach, adding that it probably beeps non-stop. Their refreshing banter is interrupted when Liam picks a fight with the other surfers on the beach. Teddy, Dixon, and Ivy physically have to pull him off. Liam runs off, and they follow close behind to ask what happened. Liam tries to blame the other guy, but Teddy won't have it. All three of them stand up to him and tell him they're his friends, so come clean with what's getting him down.
Liam finally gives in, admitting that someone's been telling lies about him. He walks off, but they follow him again to ask who. He tells them it was Jen and all the lies and manipulations she's been foisting on him. He doesn't want to get any further into it, but they block him from getting into his car and vow to wait it out until he spills all the dirty details. Liam admits he had sex with Jen at the prom after-party. Dixon is surprised that he didn't sleep with Annie. Ivy is grossed out by Liam sleeping with his girlfriend's sister. Liam explains that Jen lied about who she was and has been trying to ruin his life ever since. Liam vows to destroy Jen before she destroys him. Teddy, Dixon, and Ivy join the fight to take "that Amazon bitch" down. Now that is a development I can get behind. It'll be like the Ghostbusters facing off against that giant marshmallow man. Can't wait!
Elsewhere, Annie finds Kris Jr. in his bedroom. She's bummed that she didn't get the part. He showers her with saccharine praise that ends with the phrase, "You're beautiful. You're talented. You're Annie." Ummmm, excuse me. One of these things does not belong with the other. No matter because Annie is hooked. She breaks away from their embrace to tell him that she loves him and wants to have her first time with him. He lets out a goofy half-grin that's perfect. She follows this up with a Megan Fox-meets-Lolita lip bite-finger-to-mouth combo that's revolting. I'm surprised he didn't throw up in her face at that crap. But alas, there will be no projectile vomit on Murderous Annie Wilson today. The disrobing and collapsing on the bed continues until we're left with a shot of Annie in her training bra, straddling Kris Jr. It's not suggestively phallic Empire State Building, but I guess it'll have to do.
Back at the beach, Liam apologizes to Ivy about snapping at her that she wasn't his girlfriend. She would have been happy for him to stop there, but instead he continues on that of course she must know that she's not his girlfriend. Bubble burst, twice. She claims they're cool as she climbs into her car. He invites her to dinner, joking that she'll get a chance to prove her ketchup packet-hoovering abilities. In her mind, she knows that it's not a good idea and, for a second, she follows her mind. Then, as he walks off, she leans back all yearningly Colbie Caillat-esque and lets her heart make the decision. She hops out of the car and runs after him as they plan where to go.
Back at West Bev, Navid is in the early stages of his plan to take down Kris Jr. Also in the room, RuWill, whose dissipated friend won't flip for the cause. Navid vows to find another way to bring him down.
At the same time, a widely grinning Annie obsessively reads over this text exchange on her phone:
Kris Jr.: I can't focus on homework. All I can think abou
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t is you. And tonight.
Annie: Me too. I love you.
Kris Jr.: I love you! I love you! I love you!
Hasn't that girl learned anything about the evils of texting? She puts the phone down and puts her bitch face on when Dixon knocks on her door. He's come to apologize -- for assuming the worst about the Liam situation, though he doesn't say. She assumes it's about him calling Kris Jr. sketchy. He stands his ground on that topic, and Annie officially closes her hand to Dixon's olive branch. She tells him she doesn't care what he thinks since he's obviously not a very good judge of character. Yep. She went there. The worst, lowest thing she could besides playing the adoption card with Debbie. She throws the DJ Hottie situation in his face. He tells her to go to Hell and leaves without apologizing. Annie actually looks slightly remorseful about that one.
Beach club. AAdrianna puts on her best frantic face, then runs up to Naomi to lie that she was mugged. Conveniently, she didn't see the guy who grabbed her purse with the birthday money in it, so the police can't follow up on the report (that she lied about filing). Naomi is completely understanding. She pulls AAdrianna in for a hug, giving AAdrianna the chance to whip out her soap opera face.
Casa Nueva. Dixon sleeps. Debbie stands in his doorway and cries.
The morning, Silver -- sleeping in a tent in her living room with Jackie -- wakes up when Teddy calls to be the first to wish her a happy half-birthday. She thanks him for giving her an amazing night with her mom. He says he'll see her at the barbecue, and they hang up. Silver heads over to wake up Jackie. As you probably saw coming five miles away, that's all she wrote for Jackie Taylor Silver. Silver tries to wake her for a couple beats, to no avail. Silver calls 911. Cut to black.
week: Dixon spills the beans about Kris Jr. moonlighting as West Bev's kingpin to the washed-up starlets just in time for him to arrive for a meet-the-parents dinner with Debbie and Harry.
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