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Who knew the linchpin of Season 2 would be some d-bag named Teddy? Certainly not me. The kids hit the beach in celebration of finishing summer school, which they had to take since Annie ratted out the one party that could ruin their summer. From love triangles to sex jams, that preppy little bugger finds a way to insinuate himself into nearly every plot line, thereby accomplishing more in 43 minutes than the whole lot of these jokers could in all of last season. I suspect we will love to hate him.
On the romance front, Navid is cuter than ever, not to mention horny like a toad. After the whole "16 and Pregnant" thing, reformed trick AAdrianna is gunshy about having sex before she's ready. He thinks she should damn well be ready by now and solicits tips from Dixon on how to make the magic happen in one of the beach club cabanas. (Where are David Silver and his keyboard when you need 'em?) Dixon's suggestions include making a sex jams mix CD. Oh dear. High jinks ensue as the two stooges secure a cabana key. Of course said key goes to waste when AAdrianna reaffirms her desire to stay celibate for a little while longer. She thinks she sex brings the drama, and she wants to be "No Drama AAdrianna" this year. Navid agrees to be "No Sex Navid," claiming he's not angry about it, but he certainly ain't happy either. In case one humiliation wasn't enough for the night, one very pissed-off house ife finds Navid's sex jams in her cabana when she stopped by to decorate for her daughter's sixth birthday party. She corners the teens and threatens to wait it out until one of them fesses up. Guess who swoops in, claims the mix, and smoothes over the problem? Teddy! But that token of good will is lost on Navid, who earlier spied AAdrianna straight-up lambada-ing with Teddy, who, by the way, was the first of about eight million guys she boned before deciding to hold out on Navid -- the one person in the world who has actually earned her love.
Also in coupledom, Dixon tries awkwardly to rekindle the romance with Silver, but she's secretly pining over text message Romeo Ethan. It's a pretty uneventful pining, honestly, because she jumps at the first chance to get back together. And then we learn that she accidentally left her phone full of sappy text messages from Ethan (d'oh!) on the beach. Guess who found it? Teddy! He casually (or totally calculatedly) mentions the text messaging to Dixon, who decides they are dunzo. Silver, however, has her eyes on the prize, and like a girl prone to dramatic highs and lows, she won't take this lying down.
Naomi is fantasizing about anyone besides Liam since she thinks he humped Annie and abandoned her. The latest loser she's taken up with is much older and turns out to be married. She confronts him on it, and his response is priceless: "Technically, yes. But [points to his heart] not in here!… I think we can find a way around this. We're bigger than labels." She turns her attentions to Teddy. In truth, he would be a good fit, but she eventually breaks down and admits that she's still carrying a torch for Liam. He shows up in the eleventh hour, looking kind of gaunt with his new hipster hair. She runs before he can explain himself.
Annie does her best impression of Bella Swan, right down to the grey jacket-blue button down ensemble. She has been hiding out in the Casa all summer after drunkenly plowing down a pedestrian the morning after prom. She learns that the guy died, and the tailspin commences. She tries to confess to Dixon what happened, but he doesn't let her get a word in edgewise as he pushes her to apologize for sleeping with Liam (which she didn't) and calling the cops on Naomi's party. He forces her to come to the beach club where everyone's partying, and she spends about five seconds getting shat on by Naomi before fleeing to the beach. Sadly, she does not stuff rocks in her pockets and walk into the waves for good. Instead, she runs into an older guy who seems kind of charming and lovely for a minute before he gets her drunk and turns all date rape-y. Goodbye, Annie's virginity! We knew ye far too long. The day, Chuck Bass Lite shows his bros a picture he took of drunk, nekkid Annie as proof that he banged the Principal's daughter. Naturally, Naomi stumbled upon this scene and curtails her moping to see to the ruination of Annie. She prophesies to Silver and AAdrianna, "This is going to be our year."
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It's never a good sign when the season opens on a shot of Naomi running down the beach wearing something from the Real Housewives HOT couture line. She flings herself into the arms of a studly older man, shakes her hair a bit, and they slap tongues... and it's all a daydream. She's (a)roused by the ringing of a bell, and Silver happily squeals that summer school is over as students hand in their blue books. Naomi busts out into the hall and excitedly throws papers down from a balcony. It's a conceit right out of High School Musical -- but sluttier. Elsewhere, Dixon and Silver run into each other. They awkward-pause for a few seconds before he asks if he'll see her at the end of summer party later. Haven't they learned anything? Parties lead to cheating! Break-ups! Death! Naomi barrels up to them and asks all googly-like if they were just talking about getting together. Silver notes how awkward she just made things, and Dixon makes a swift exit.
They run out to catch up with a bangs-free AAdrianna and pile into a convertible, screeching at the top of their lungs that it's time for vacation, suckas! Ah, cliché-heavy dialogue, I've missed you all these months! They make their way immediately to the Beverly Hills Beach Club and, by the time they've arrived, they're in their bathing suits. I'm pretty sure there was Lori-Petty-in-Point-Break-style indecent exposure involved in that feat, but let's not dwell. There are five hours of summer daylight left before they have to go back to school!
Inside, Naomi giggles over texts from dreamy new piece, Jason. She gloats about finally dating a real man, who reads books (for fun!) and has big, meaty hands. They're interrupted when a hotel employee delivers a script to AAdrianna for a Monica Lewinsky movie musical (shout out to Potes and Djb!). But playing '90s pole smokers doesn't appeal to AAdrianna, who wants to skip the drama, both onstage and off. Thus is born "No Drama AAdrianna," who I'm sure will die of SIDS (Sudden Idiot Death Syndrome) somewhere between this week and week. The ladies think it's a clever notion, though, and they cheers their ice cream cones to being normal, drama-free teenagers -- as if there were such a thing.
And from my keyboard to God's ears, their new pact for normality is disrupted by a snide comment from a Real Housewife -- probably the said-same who designed Naomi's fantasy dress from the first sequence. Naomi and the Housewife [To make matters worse, she's played by the terrible Elisabeth Rohm -- Angel] get into it, sniping about each other's flabby old-lady arms and need for parental supervision, respectively.
The girls scamper off, giggling cattily, then drop trou and dive in the pool. AAdrianna is temporarily spellbound when she sees a chubby baby girl playing with her mom. The girls notice her daze, and AAdrianna admits she can't just snap her fingers and become normal but is taking steps to get there -- namely, no drugs or drinking and no sex. Naomi snarks that Navid must be loving that, but AAdrianna says he's been very understanding and that, if it's what she wants, it's what he wants, too.
Elsewhere, Navid is singing a different tune. As he and Dixon pull up to the beach, Navid predicts that he's going to get laid soon. Dixon asks about the whole waiting thing, and Navid says he thinks they've waited long enough and that AAdrianna has made some statements implying that she's finally ready. No statements that explicitly expressed that she is ready, mind you. He asks Dixon for some help -- seeing as how Dixon's last foray into the carnal world turned out so well! Dixon suggests Navid rent out a cabana at the beach club and set the mood with flowers, candles and sexy music. Navid asks what music he should put on the mix, and Dixon quips, "Well, obviously 'Sex Machine.'" Navid is already planning whether to put it at song 6 or 9 when Dixon clues him in that chicks dig softer music like Norah Jones and Feist. Navid proudly declares that he's going to get laid as they gallop off to the beach. And, whoops! Like a newborn pony, Dixon couldn't quiet control his lambs, and he trips and brings Navid down into the sand with him. Ha! You sure you want sex tips from this guy, Navid?
Back at the pool, Silver is stressing over the love triangle she's found herself embroiled in between Dixon and Ethan. Naomi dismisses them both as boys, unlike her "real man" Jason and his meaty hands. Because nothing says down-there pleasure like sausage fingers! Silver tells her to keep her deli fantasies to herself. Naomi insists old salsiccia has better skillz than Liam. The other girls wonder what happened to Liam and speculate over whether he moved back to Long Island. Naomi is still bitter about their last misunderstanding and thanks God she's over him, even though she so clearly isn't. She can't believe he would have had sex with Annie on her bed. Silver points out that she didn't actually see it happen. Naomi counters that Annie screwed her over by calling the cops on the party. Silver concedes that Annie is a rat but still doubts that she cheated. Naomi vows to punish Annie.
Speak of the White Devil, pale-faced Annie is holed up in the Wilsons' new home when Debbie comes in to ask if she wants to explore the neighborhood and get some sun. Annie bluntly rejects the offer, then returns to Google-ing herself and her part in the hit-and-run. The guy she hit is in a coma.
Back at the club, sunbathing Naomi flips over and spots ol' Jimmy Dean digits walking to the pool. Then, much to her chagrin, she sees him picking up some kids and kissing the Real Housewife. He spots her and looks stricken. Credits. Oh! And it's a bouncy new rendition. Guess that old one was too punk rock for them.
Some time later, Naomi has resolved to get over Lefty McBratwurst by dragging Silver along to play tennis with her and ogle a blonde prepster on the court. Silver advises her to check for a wedding ring. Naomi peacocks around, despite any actual tennis ability, and Silver sips coffee while they settle on their game plan: Hit the ball into the Preppy's court. Which would be a good plan if Naomi could actually hit a ball. She lucks out and struts over to the fence to have an innuendo-laden conversation about balls and doing things by the numbers, etc. Silver takes the piss out of them immediately. The three get to talking about discover they're all incoming West Bev students. Blondie lives up to his stereotype and reveals that he just transferred back after spending three years at Exeter.
The girls introduce themselves, age-inappropriate pop culture jokes are swapped (Do they really expect me to believe these kids have watched Vicky Christina Barcelona?), and Silver wanders off to scrub off the sleaze. AAdrianna appears from nowhere and recognizes Blondie. His name's Teddy Montgomery -- of course -- and he was her boyfriend way back when at summer camp. Naomi deflates a little.
Back at the Nueva Casa, the Wilsons sit down for a family BBQ dinner. Debbie and Harry propose a toast to new beginnings, which Annie immediately pisses on with her craptacular attitude. Just a tip, hon: If you don't want to get fingered for a devastating crime, maybe try to blend in a little better. Harry tries to cheer her up, saying that things are looking up. In addition to the new house and new year, Tabitha's gotten a show in Vegas (bittersweet news for yours truly, who is in dire need of a Tabby fix... Ooh! Maybe she'll return in a showgirl costume?! One can only dream...). Debbie asks Annie if she's going to the end-of-summer party at the beach club. Even Harry's all, "You did an assy thing by ratting out your friends. They should be mad at you." Annie gets an e-mail alert about the hit-and-run and abruptly leaves dinner. Debbie tries to salvage the family time, but Harry has quit that bitch. Good on him. Up in her room, Annie checks her e-mail and sees that the guy she hit has died in the hospital. She runs outside as Dixon pulls out and begs him to take her away.
A la playa, the Triplets of Bev-ville are all dolled up for the party. Naomi is still reeling about Teddy and that AAdrianna tapped that before she did. AAdrianna gives her full permission for Naomi to slut it up with Teddy. Naomi politely declines and start ogling the rest of the "man meat" on display. Again with the meat? I was willing to forgive the played-out Herve Leger bandage dress she's wearing, but these poorly constructed, vomit-inducing metaphors are inexcusable. Nonetheless, she's got to get rid of an old piece of jerky before she can sink her teeth into something new. Yes, friends, I'm talking about Vienna-sausages-for-fingers Jason. Naomi spots him across the pool. As they eye each other, Silver gets a text message from Ethan.
Meanwhile, Dixon stop the car by the beach to let Annie talk. She starts in on her second-degree vehicular manslaughter confession, but Dixon interrupts her to say he knows that she slept with Liam and that she should just apologize. She becomes incredulous and defensive; shocked that he thinks she would do that. Of course, this is neither here nor there, simply a distraction to keep Annie from having any sort of actual character momentum. In any case, Dixon calls her out for not apologizing, even though she force him and countless others to spend their summer in school. She decides to abandon the confession and tells him to fuck off. He's all, "Backatcha, Brat-shlee Simpson."
Back at the beach club, Navid has set the wheels spinning on "Operation: Color Me Badd" (they did, after all, sing the title track on Sex Jams, Vol. 1). He strolls up to the bookings desk in full BMOC mode, slaps some skin with the guy at reception, and tries to casually rent a cabana for the evening. The guy's all, "Sure thing, bud, I just need your parents to sign for it." Rejected! Navid sticks his tail between his legs and mumbles a bit about the policy that you have to be over 18 to rent a cabana before he skitters away.
Outside, Dixon pulls up to the club with Annie still in tow and tells her that he's going to this party, so it's tough shit if she doesn't want to.
Back inside, Slim Jim digits tries to convince Naomi that adultery is what all the cool kids are doing. He feeds her all the typical lines about how special she is, blah, blah, blah. She almost goes for it until she sees Annie and gets the glint of revenge in her eyes. She stalks down Annie, who tries to tell her that she didn't have sex with Liam. Naomi doesn't buy it and tells her to get the hell out of her party. Annie mopes off, and the confrontation steels Naomi to say once and for all to Beef Jerk-y that she is "not a cheating skank," then storm off with fire in her eyes.
Meanwhile, Navid and Dixon provide some comic relief with a half-baked plot to swipe a cabana key from the reception desk. Of course it works. They head outside, and Dixon gives Navid a little pep talk: "You never forget your first time." Navid's swagger is knocked down a notch when he finds AAdrianna with her old pal Teddy. She mentions they went to summer camp together but conveniently leaves out the flinging. Navid doesn't linger long to chat, though, because he has a cabana to sexify.
Elsewhere, Dixon and Silver awkward it up some more on an "Are We or Aren't We?" walk. He starts to ask her whether she wants to get back together, but she stops him with a kiss. He reciprocates. And it's back on. As long as she deletes those text messages!
Somewhere else on the beach, Annie is leaving a frantic message for Dixon to at least give her the keys so she can sit in the car like the big, fat loser. A guy named Mark approaches and tries to strike up a conversation, despite her sour mug and generally hostile demeanor. She says she doesn't feel like talking, so he pulls out a flask and they settle on drinking themselves into a stupor. Because that worked out so well last time. Watch where you're jogging, Mark!
Later that night, the party has moved inside, and the kids are doing some sort of vulgar, undulating routine. I think this is that dance all the youngsters are doing that I've heard about. I couldn't really tell, though, because I had to avert my eyes as soon as Naomi's spindly body started gyrating like the skuzzier attachments to a handheld blender. Silver steps off the dance floor for a minute, and Teddy follows up like so many grains of sand in your underpants after a day at the beach. He says she left her phone outside, but doesn't give it back to her before teasing her about a text message from Ethan that reads, "I've decided to stay in Montana. The worst part is leaving U. I'm still thinking about that kiss!" Okay, they lost me at the exclamation point, but if I start quibbling now, we'll be here all night. Silver snatches back the phone and guiltily eyes Dixon before stomping off.
Outside, Navid and AAdrianna are getting hot and heavy. He suggests taking it somewhere more intimate, and she suggests they stop. She wonders how he's not on the same page. He wonders how she can go so long without sex. He tries to sweet talk her about how they've reached a level of emotional intimacy that should be mirrored physically, but she disagrees. She says she used to give it up too easy and that it always caused drama. She repeats the whole "No Drama AAdrianna" thing to him, and he consents to remain "No Sex Navid." She asks if he's not mad at her, and he assures her he's not. They hug, and he is so not happy with this little sexless arrangement. And, honestly, I would be too. AAdrianna is looking hot these days. Like Courteney Cox before she fucked up her face with the Botox.
Later, they've parted ways, and Navid has retreated to the cabana-that-wasn't. He pathetically slugs a bottle of sparkling cider for a bit, then decides to leave. Annie's new flask-carrying friend Mark stops him to ask how he got the keys to a cabana. Navid tosses them over. Mark and Annie stumble into the cabana and start making out furiously. She says no a couple times, but she's wasted, and he's persistent. He starts undressing her...
Back inside, Teddy introduces himself to Dixon, who asks where Silver is. Teddy puts his foot in it, saying she's probably texting "some Ethan character" who's been "messing with her head." And he manages to spill that they kissed. Dixon walks off as Teddy's still talking. AAdrianna comes up, and (conveniently!) some song they won a talent competition dancing to back at camp comes on. They decide to dance. And by dance I mean dry hump. Navid enters the room and takes in this gratuitous display. Naomi joins him in gawking and slugging cider, inadvertently mentioning that Teddy was AAdrianna's first lovah. "You never forget your first," says Navid ruefully.
Dixon finds Silver outside and tells her they're done. He suggests she "text Ethan and cry on his shoulder about it."
Back inside, AAdrianna and Teddy join Navid and Naomi by a fire to roast some marshmallows. But the marshmallows will have to wait because the Real Housewife comes charging in the room with a bone to pick with Naomi. Naomi assumes the jig is up, that RH has found out about the affair, and she nearly gives herself up. Fortunately for her (and not so fortunately for Navid), the RH loudly blurts out that she went into her "ca-ban-ya" to decorate for her daughter's sixth birthday and found a sex jams CD. Everyone titters anxiously, and RH declares that she'll stay here all night until someone fesses up. Navid starts to take the bullet, but Teddy jumps up to claim the CD and use his superstar actor dad to smooth over the situation. The Housewife gets all gushy and says she'll let this one-time discretion go, as long as Teddy puts in a good word for Bitsy Epstein (her). Of course her name is Bitsy. She starts to twinkle-toe off like a Twihard, stopping only to give Teddy the CD back. Everyone has a good laugh, and Teddy is now the hero. He doesn't waste the opportunity to have a joke at whatever sad sack made this stupid CD.
As he basks in his own glow, Silver walks up and tells him he's ruined her whole life. A little dramatic, no? Naomi and AAdrianna leave behind the party to see about Silver. She apologizes for not telling them she was texting Ethan but says she had made her decision already. She says she was relieved when Ethan told her he was moving away, not disappointed. Whereas, if Dixon were moving, she'd be lost. She weeps dramatically. Somebody get out the Lithium!
The day, Naomi and Silver arrive for the first day of school to find Silver, who is noticeably cheerier. She vows to get Dixon back, saying they're not done. Dixon, on the other hand, says they're "done-r than done." He declares himself officially single and starts working that Wilson charm on every little hoochie in his path.
Inside, Naomi is running down her "to do" list, naming pretty much every guy left in the school she hasn't banged. It's a short list, I suspect. Silver tells her to slow down and quit going from guy to guy like she's desperate. Naomi breaks down and admits that she's still hung up on Liam and is seeking replacement therapy. AAdrianna looks over... and speak of the dirt bag! Naomi looks back to see Liam leaning against a locker, as high school bad boys do. He walks up and says they need to talk, but she runs off.
Outside, West Bev gets all 10 Things I Hate About You when suddenly there is a break dancing clique. Seriously? Annie rolls up in the car -- Watch out breakers! -- about the same time Teddy pulls into his slot. He leers at her heartily, but she doesn't notice because she's too busy trying to make 'fetch' happen with Date Rape Mark. She walks up to him and tries to start a conversation, but he totally gives her to brush-off. Something tells me that conversation lasted about as long as the taking of her virginity.
She walks off meekly as he brags to his friends that he bagged the principal's daughter. They don't believe him, so he pulls out proof. Sadly, it's not panties. Instead, he took a naked cell phone picture of her. Naomi, still stinging from her unexpected run-in with Liam, smacks into Annie and spits venom at her. She continues walking and happens upon one of rape-y Mark's friends speculating that she'd probably like to see the picture. Before he can put it away, she grabs the phone and gets an evil glint in her eyes before texting the picture to herself. Nothing ails a broken heart like mean-spirited machinations!
She sashays off and runs into AAdrianna and Silver. They ask if she's feeling okay. She's suddenly feeling much better, she says, and grins devilishly, adding, "I have a feeling this is going to be our year." Cue Mean Girl walk.
week: Naomi finally embraces her inner bitch. Hopefully it brings out the Annie-mal. This Lady could use a good bitch fight.