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It's Prom season at West Bev, and Harry remembers he's principal for just long enough to ban all after-Prom parties. Six months ago, this might have spoiled the gang's plans, but, at this point in the game, they've pretty much degenerated into angsty outcast losers, so it doesn't really make a dent.
Post-break-up, Annie and Ethan have to go to Prom with a nerd and tag along with Dixon and Silver, respectively. While Ethan contemplates his expanded field of options for the future -- thanks to an invitation to train with the national all-star lacrosse team this summer -- Annie's first non-selfless gesture of the whole season may be her last. Everything blows up in her face when she accidentally lets it slip to the geek that she just went with him because he asked. Whoops! He turns his reject wrath on her, claiming she finked to Harry about a party that Harry actually discovered with his own sneaky sleuthing skills.
On the bright side, Silver seems back to normal again! She's perkier (meds) but definitely not tattooin' crazy. She does make the misguided decision to buy the foofiest pink tutu-ed princess dress so she won't "stand out," but we'll let it slide because she and Dixon win Prom Queen and King! She takes the win as a mandate to speak about the struggle for conformity that she has finally abandoned. Miraculously, no one pours pig blood on her. Also, she actually decides to come back to West Bev, which should make Dixon happy, but he feels judged by her, especially after his good-faith rally to get her voted Prom Queen through a write-in vote. On the opposite end of the spectrum, Silver's Tammy Metzler speech inspires Ethan to forego lacrosse camp and develop a bit of a crush.
Naomi is repeatedly misled by both Liam and Sister Grifter throughout the episode. After Liam finds out that his stepdad is considering sending him to military school, he gives Naomi boatloads of false hope by inviting her to prom so he'll seem like less of a nogoodnik. She discovers this underlying motivation and starts to give him the what-for until, through a process of deduction, she realizes that he really does like her. He visited her Facebook page, y'all. That's true love. Meanwhile, Sister Grifter continues on her spending and deceiving spree, using Naomi's credit cards to buy not only the entire house but also all the furniture in it. Not to mention a fucking couture dress to accompany Matthews to prom. A couture dress that maxes out Naomi's credit card so much so that she nearly can't afford her own prom dress, btw. What an ass. Once at the dance, Sister Grifter and Kelly dredge up old ill will and generally act as nasty to each other as possible. Kelly tries to give Matthews a heads-up, but he arrogantly takes it as a sign that she's still into him. Amidst all this, we learn that Jen has a husband named Olivier. What?
Rounding out the loser parade, AAdrianna and Navid naturally accompany each other, but she spends the entire night faking labor pains so he won't confront Ty about being a smarmy, skinny-mustached deadbeat dad. She steps away for one minute, and Navid starts to rouse the rabble. It's short-lived, though, as AAdrianna's fake labor scares become real water-breaking. Crack baby will not be upstaged by Prom!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Seeds of conflict aplenty -- Jen, Naomi's Sister Grifter rolled into town and began swindling the Perma Donna for all she's worth and some she wasn't schedule to get for another five years. As Naomi was trying to move from booty call to girlfriend, her would-be boyfriend Liam began furiously hitting on Annie, likening her to an active volcano. What a catch! Silver flipped out and transferred from West Bev but sucked it up to accompany Dixon to prom. And AAdrianna revealed that Ty is her crack baby's deadbeat dad. With two episodes left, some of these arcs better pay off already.
We open on Annie boogying down at a post-prom shindig. All the drips we've come to know and loathe on sight are mysteriously missing, not to mention that the whole set-up is super-cheesy and delightfully meta. And then the digital bars come down. Yes, my friends, this is a PSA from Harry about the dangers of having unsanctioned fun after prom night. He announces that he and the BHPD have teamed up to establish a zero tolerance policy wherein partying = suspension = summer school. Everyone grumbles about the square principal's daughter in their midst. And boy does her acting stink! Awesomely, Harry has a bright red slogan shirt that reads, "One party can ruin your whole summer." It really brings the message home.
Naomi asks what in God's name Annie was thinking being in that train wreck of a production. Everyone knows that classy high school videos include Lord Byron and hardcore porn! Annie says she was begged, guilted, and finally bribed with the prom dress of her choice. Not that that matters since she doesn't have a prom date. Oh, but wait! There's a lanky, mop-topped ragamuffin who looks like he's up for the job. Naomi suggests as much, but Annie rejects that idea flat. She worries she'll never live down her dad's amateur directorial aspirations. Naomi consoles her, saying Mariah Carey got over Glitter. Wow, way to whip out the seven-year-old cultural references there, Ringlets.
Students hand in test papers as Matthews' class lets out. We see Liam's, which features a sketch of some sort of sea creature. Matthews bemoans Liam's lack of motivation, and Liam predictably reaches into his sass vault to fling Matthews' "teacher with a heart of gold" complex right back in his face. Liam mocks Matthews some then heads out, running into Ethan on the way. Matthews tells Ethan he has great news and hands him an envelope. Ethan reads the letter inside and gives Matthews a soap opera-worthy eyebrow raise.
Over at Naomi's new digs, Sister Grifter directs the movers where to put the girls' new furniture. She then starts in on Naomi, revealing to her the error of purchasing anything made of white leather, such as couches or pants. White leather is so L.A. "You have much to learn, grasshopper," she says. Jesus, how old are these writers? 67? Naomi asks SG how to approach Liam, who she continues to believe is simply scared of commitment -- and not just an a-hole. SG tries to prove how smart she is by referencing ancient Greek texts, but it only serves to prove how dumb Naomi is. So SG has to explain that she should withhold sex. Naomi's all, "But that's the only thing that's keeping him around." Well then there's your answer, sweetie. Ack!
Back at West Bev, Kelly and Harry discuss which of them will be Bad Cop in an upcoming meeting. Harry, despite being considered too soft, gets to play Bad Cop. They hear a knock, and it's that shifty Liam. They tell him his stepfather is concerned that Liam isn't displaying enough school spirit and has suggested military school. Seeing little response from Liam and even less Bad Cop behavior from Harry, Kelly flips the switch and co-opts the Bad Cop role. And she's quite good at it! Harry advises Liam to bring up his grades and get involved in such esteemed organizations as the Wildcat Crooners. OMG, I would kill for that to become a plot point. Like Oz in American Pie, he would discover the music of his heart!
Elsewhere, Silver finds herself in the midst of prom preparations with an overenthusiastic aesthetician. Who else would use a spray tan color the called "Weekend in Barbados"? The beauty drone recommends acrylic nails (no!), an eyebrow waxing, a proper hair styling, and a Weekend in Brazil, if you know what I mean. Since when do prom dresses not cover the hoo-ha? And, on a related note, since when do schools have sophomore proms? News to me.
Meanwhile, Liam calls Naomi and asks her to prom out of the blue. She is at turns taken aback and wildly self-satisfied that he has finally given in to her sexual brow beating. And she didn't even have to "pull a Lysistrata." Pfffffft. She hangs up and starts screaming like a fucking maniac. As you do. Credits.
West Bev. Annie rushes into class as her disgruntled health teacher clutches a CPR mannequin and sasses his way into my heart. Annie sits down behind Liam, who starts chanting "Tick, tock, tick, tock," claiming that he's waiting for her inner bad girl to explode. She asks if he's ever considered that she might just be a good person. And this is where Liam fails to go that extra step to understand Annie's massive complex of self-delusion. Annie isn't acting (at which she sucks anyway) because she actually believes she's not a wretched, self-obsessed asswipe. She'd pass a lie detector if it came down to it. He goes back to chanting as the teacher instructs the students to pair up. Liam snarkily asks if she wants to be partners, and she abandons him for the ragamuffin, who also just happens to be in the class. Ragamuffin says he heard she doesn't have a date to the prom. He asks if she'll go with him. She looks over to Liam, who is openly mocking her, and pointedly tells the sad sack that she would be thrilled to join him. Liam smirks because he has won. The poor ragamuffin smiles his braceface off.
Over at the Casa, Dixon and Ethan go online tux shopping. Dixon skews heavily towards the bling, which Ethan wisely advises him against. Ethan reveals the good news we didn't hear earlier: He got picked for all-American lacrosse camp this summer. Dixon genuinely congratulates him and tells him what an amazing opportunity it will be for college scholarships and such. Ethan marvels at how his casual summer in Montana with his dad just became a lot more consequential. Silver enters, and the guys tell her the news. She is more keen on this development than she has been about anything in the history of the show, save for a few of her better manic episodes. Guess those meds are working! Ethan mentions he's not going to prom since he doesn't have a date. Silver asks him to join her and Dixon for moral support, and he agrees. As he leaves, he looks thoughtfully at Dixon and Silver's happy flirtation.
Downstairs, Harry pesters Annie some more to be his prom stool pigeon. She assures him the party at Navid's house will be supervised. He counters that Beverly Hills parties can get really crazy, and he knows from experience. Ah, yes. Phone numbers written in lipstick and banana daiquiris. The beginning of an era... Dixon comes down for the tail end of Harry's ominous heedings. He notes how prom night is part of his plan to get Silver comfortable with the thought of returning to West Bev for junior year. Debbie warns him not to get his hopes up. Harry tries to coyly ask, "So, Dixon, where were you saying that after-prom party was again?" Dixon and Annie look at each other and exchange a commiserative laugh.
The day, all the girls go dress shopping. The sales girl brings out a dress, which Naomi deems "too pretty," but Silver offers to give it a shot. Lord knows why. She's already in a ravishing one-shouldered, belted azure dress. It'
s très Jolie and a little bit Penny Cruz at Salma Hayek's wedding. AAdrianna waddles over to ask the sales girl if they have any maternity gowns. Ha! She's in luck. They do. Nicole Richie's newest line, House of Juno 2007, I suspect. Naomi straps on some stilettos and schemes how to get Annie out of her date. When Annie refuses to lie, Naomi moves on, telling the salesgirl that she'd like to buy several dresses and return the ones she doesn't end up using. Given what we know about SG, stop me if you can see where this is going. As the salesgirl rings the dresses up, Silver emerges in what can only be described as a product of some of Paris Hilton's more terrifying girly nightmares. Pink crinoline much? The girls compliment her, and she says -- without a drop of irony -- that she doesn't want to stand out. Then don't choose that dress! Naomi returns to Annie's conundrum, suggesting they run over her legs with a car. Awesome. Annie notes she's not so hot on Naomi's date either, but Naomi insists that Liam's prom invitation implies he is way into her now. Just as the two girls come to a peaceable accord over Naomi's newfound happiness, the salesgirl returns to tell Naomi her card has been declined. Gong!
Naomi heads back home to ask SG why she done gone and spent all her damn money. This is only after SG shows off the couture gown she bought for her prom date with Matthews. Are you kidding me?! As you would expect, SG tries to wriggle and squeam her way out of Naomi's direct questioning but is unsuccessful. She lies that she lost some money in the market and just needs Naomi's help until her investments rebound. She apologizes, assured that he she has emotionally manipulated Naomi into still paying for everything. Naomi takes consolation in overruling SG's veto power over that tacky white leather couch. Battle vs. war, Ringlets. Battle vs. war...
That night, the whole gang arrives at Paramount Studios for prom. And now I ask you, isn't that a bit lavish for a sophomore prom? Especially in the aforementioned shitbag economy? Either way, Silver is paralyzed with fear inside the limo, fearing that everyone will stare at her. AAdrianna reminds her she won't be the only spectacle at a prom with an eight-months-pregnant former junkie in attendance. Navid jokes, "If things get bad, you can hide behind her stomach." I <3 him. Silver relents, and they head out for their red carpet entrance and paparazzi-style prom photos. AAdrianna and Navid are adorable as ever, Silver and Dixon invite Ethan to team up with them, and Annie and Liam dodge the photo opp.
Inside, Navid gets riled up upon spotting deadbeat dad Ty. Uncharacteristically, he starts heading over for a full-out confrontation. He's so resolute, in fact, that AAdrianna has to fake a labor pain to keep him from throwing punches.
Across the room, the ragamuffin sulks that Annie isn't nominated for Prom Queen. He pawns it off to her being new. Cue Dixon: "Whoa. I'm nominated for Prom King?" Ha! Everyone hates Annie! A random girl comes up and tells Silver how glad she is that Silver came, and Dixon gives her an "I told you so" about how nice everyone is being. She cynically says they're treating her like she's dying, but she can handle it for one night. He is getting tired of this routine already.
Later, The Veronicas perform and everyone gets down. Ethan and Dixon do a hilariously dorky routine they clearly worked up while surfing the net for their tuxes. And ragamuffin's got some certified White Boy Moves! Sadly, none of them can compete with this. If the writers had been touched by genius and thought to recreate that gem, I Would. Have. Died. That's it! No more recapper! Too much kickassness for one girl to handle. Across the floor SG tries to convince Matthews to dance by grinding all up on him. Ew. She wraps her arms around him, but he shrugs them off when he sees Kelly. He awkwardly introduces them, but it seems they are already well acquainted -- and filled with venom for one another.
Elsewhere, some overly loud girl who thinks she's frickin' Gloria Swanson or some shit brags about all the hooch she scored for her party. Yeah, because a red SOLO cup really gives an Art Deco dress that extra touch of timeless elegance. Jackass. Of course Harry hears every word.
Back on the dance floor, Annie and the ragamuffin dance. She has humored him tonight to the extent that he asks her for a second date. She has to break it to him that she's not interested. He starts pissing and moaning about how she shouldn't have accepted a pity date because he could have actually gone with a girl who wanted to go with him. Uh huh... He tells her to "take [her] pity and shove it!" As she watches him storm away, her eye catches Liam, who gives her a smug thumbs-up.
Naomi and SG convene at the punch bowl. Naomi points out Liam, who is sitting alone at a table, listening to his iPod. It's every girl's dream date, really.
Harry interrupts the band to narc on Faux-ria Swanson's after party, saying that he and the BHPD are stoked to attend. Faux-ria is pissed that somebody ratted her out and wonders who it was. Ragamuffin has a few ideas.
Meanwhile, SG runs into Kelly in the powder room. They have a tense conversation in which we discover that Kelly wrote SG a lukewarm college recommendation because SG is a conniving, entitled rich bitch who will stop at nothing to get what she wants. (The exact verbiage was "a narcissist with no moral compass," if you're keeping tabs.) In high school, for example, SG stole someone's essay so she could win valedictorian. SG snides about how Kelly is just a lowly guidance counselor, then asks what Matthews likes in bed. Low.
Back in the main room, West Bev's resident prissy gay announces the Prom Court, which he has unnecessarily dubbed "The Prommies." Dixon snags Prom King and proves to be a gracious winner over Ethan, Ty, and two randoms. And now for Prom Queen! Considering that Naomi is the only contender we even recognize, it's obvious there will be some sort of twist. The gay announces that the winner is a write-in, and Naomi can't help but squeak out in annoyance. No matter, it's a done deal, and the title goes to Silver! She is genuinely shocked -- none of this Winslet bullshit -- and hugs Dixon, who she immediately realizes set this up.
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Silver looks absolutely gorgeous for about five seconds as she takes her tiara. And then, naturally, she fucks everything up. She laughs at how hard she's tried to fit in of late. She describes the beauty regimen she endured to be this stunningly lovely, actually using the phrase "human earth dollars." Heche much? Guess the crazy hasn't been totally eradicated yet. She says that, now that she has succeeded in fitting in, she realizes how much she hates these events and the people that enjoy them (the phrase "weird, zombie, prom-loving loser[s]" comes to mind). Dixon's expression during all of this is priceless. It's somewhere between "What is happening?," "How could she do this to me?," and "You're welcome, bitch." Silver remarks how she's just now realizing that she's happy to be herself, regardless of what others think. She takes off the tiara, which Naomi quickly snaps up. Amazingly, the crowd doesn't turn on her like rabid dogs. I, for one, would be lighting my torch right about now if some porno-making bitch who didn't even go to my school just shat on my gesture of good will. Ethan, of course, leads the frigging slow clap for her. He's the worst kind of lemming. The kind who's all, "Damn the followers! Where do I sign up?" Ugh.
The party kicks back up, and Ethan walks over to tell Matthews that he's turning down lacrosse camp. Matthews reminds him what a huge opportunity he'll miss, but Ethan is invigorated by Silver's nonconformity. Little does he realize he's not really interesting or special enough to be looking a gift horse in the mouth.
Meanwhile, Faux-ria Swanson huffs up to Annie to accuse her of tattling about the party to Harry. She cites the PSA, calls her a rat, and storms off. Annie and Silver laugh it off. Silver spots a downtrodden-looking Dixon and heads over to thank him for getting her the Prom Queen win. She says it was exactly what she needed and that she is ready to return to West Bev. Of course, she doesn't realize that she is simultaneously shaking his hand and slapping him in the face with all this. She just took the sweetest, most selfless gesture anyone could ever do for her and turned it into this egocentric token of self-congratulating wankery. Hideous. She finally notices he's sulking and asks if he's okay. He throws it back in her face: "Why do you care? I'm just a zombie, prom-loving loser," before walking away. Suck it, Silver. Of course Ethan comes up at exactly this moment to compliment her speech.
Across the room, SG laments the lack of liquor. At a high school prom. She gets a call and steps aside, giving Kelly a chance to approach and warn Matthews that SG is bad news. Matthews takes it exactly where you expect he would and assumes she's jealously trying to cock block him. Kelly assures him that's not the case, and he gets all defensive, asking if there's someone else. You can practically see Kelly's thought bubble pop up: "You know what? You're not worth it." Outside, SG threatens to hang up on some guy named Olivier, saying, "This is exactly why I want a divorce." Whoa. Must admit I didn't see that one coming.
Naomi and Liam meander around the city and find the New York set. He is typically charming (read: surly) while she struggles to keep conversation flowing. They run into Kelly, who commends Liam for putting forth the effort to attend prom. Now, Naomi may be a little wacked from the perm fluids, but she's not brain dead (yet). She quickly discerns that Liam brought her here for show and starts ranting about how stupid she was for thinking they were actually making progress. She stops cold, however, when she mentions her black orchid corsage. She wonders why he bought her that particular flower. He tries to brush it off, but she knows that black orchids -- her favorite flower -- have to be special ordered. She realizes that he must have discovered this on her Facebook page (listed in her interests right between spicy tuna rolls and the smell of Neiman Marcus, natch). Now she has proof that he actually likes her. With no small amount of reluctance, he finally admits he does. It's actually kind of sweet in a fucked-up Jordan Catalano-esque way.
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Back at the prom, Harry asks Kelly if she's having fun. She alludes to starting a mess by trying to help out a friend (Matthews). Harry gives the most appropriate, comforting response: She's caring and passionate and yadda yadda. They look at each other, their gazing lingering a bit too much, before Harry gets a call from Debbie. I sure hope the writers don't decide to explore that little moment.
Across the red carpet, Navid comes up behind Ty and gives him a good shove. He bitches out Ty for what he's done to AAdrianna. Ty shuts him up with a forceful right hook. They fall to the floor, tussling for a minute before AAdrianna comes out and announces that her water just broke. Hope she wasn't keeping the tags on that prom dress!
Back in New York, Liam fills in his back story for Naomi: Shitty stepfather, distant mother, inability to love, blah blah blah. Bring out the world's most rebellious violin. Naomi for once doesn't chatter him into oblivion, instead just empathizes with his problems. And boy can she relate. He clasps her hand, and fake snow starts falling. They play and flirt and smile at each other, then stop to stare into each other's eyes tenderly. They don't even kiss because they've moved to a whole new place where that's no longer the point. He stands up and extends his hand for a dance, thus giving her the prom stuff she always wanted. And maybe now he kind of wants it to.
week: Season finale, suckas! Cross your fingers for an unexpected death!
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see which era of vloggers Val and Beth think is less realistic in TV is the Answer!
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