In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Ethan pulls a totally wuss move and doesn't die in the car accident. Laaaame! He apologizes to the other driver, who suffered a punctured lung like whoa. He learns that she goes to West Bev... and is in his French class. Awkward! Guilt drives him to get extra chummy with her, and she totally takes advantage by pretending to be weaker than is actually the case so Ethan Nightingale will show her the really good bedside manner. I'm putting my money on it -- they're so hooking up.
While Ethan gets his nursing certificate, Annie approaches Hot for Drama Teacher to find out why she didn't get Cleopatra, a.k.a. the part of destiny. Annie operates under the assumption that something as minor as a bad hair day was her downfall. Instead, HfDT tells her she's a crap actress. Nice. Surprisingly, Annie takes this criticism constructively. Nonetheless, in the light of recent events, her constant yammering wears thin on Ethan.
AAdrianna continues to capitalize on her expert timing and tells Ty about their gaywad crack baby in the middle of a crowded party. He freaks at first but is surprisingly cool after sleeping on it. Or so it would seem. In fact, he cedes all decisions to his pinch-faced mother. You see, the Collinses are totally loaded and immediately assume that AAdrianna is a money-grubbin' crack ho. PinchFace straight-up highjacks AAdrianna's fetus(!) vis-à-vis a legal contract that decrees AAdrianna will disappear to New Mexico, hand the baby Juno-style over to someone... well... less addicted to crack, then never speak of it again. Oh yeah, she also manages to spill the baby beans to DinaLite, which has the unexpected effect of bringing out the Mama Bear in the profligate mom. Ultimately, AAdrianna decides she can bear the cross of the Pariah for a few more months if it saves her from exile, so she stands up to Ty in the grandest way possible -- by announcing that she is pregnant -- to the entire student body!
Dixon and Navid are on "Mission: Pussy Posse" as they try to get over their respective exes. This consists of reading library books from 1957 about courtship, wearing horrible sweater vests, and insulting girls, um, seductively? Luckily Rah Rah emboldens them with her lesbionic lady-catchin' skillz. She also invites them to a party, where much to his -- and everyone else's -- surprise, Navid actually finds a girl as loser-y and ethnic as he is. Dixon's prowling is cut short, however, when Silver flies over the cuckoo's nest to crash the party. A scene ensues, wherein it comes to light that she does love Dixon. They reunite, which hopefully means he will be breaking up with his sweater vest collection. Fingers crossed!
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see which version of Val and Beth think is most unrealistic on TV is the Answer! And check back later this week for the full recap!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: AAdrianna got knocked up. Dixon's ego got knocked down a rung. And Ethan got knocked aside by Annie's ego... and a big ol' truck!
We open in the hospital, where Annie and the 'rents are frantically searching for Ethan. Miraculously, he appears -- completely unscathed. What?! He's not even injured. What an ass. Also, what is that shirt-under-sweater situation? He should seek some ambulance chaser-style damages from the stylist for that shiz. Annie latches onto him like a rag doll, which only causes him pain from his fake injuries. Oh, if the situation were only reversed, I'd say "Hug her like the rent's due tomorrow, Ethan!" Alas...
Harry and Debbie rejoice that Ethan didn't get hurt. Rhonda, the other person in the accident, didn't fare so well. Ethan says she's in surgery and shudders to think what he may have done. He asks if the Wilsons will wait with him, and they happily oblige. Side note: I read Lauren's post, and I am guessing this Rhonda is the transfer from Friday Night Lights. Ethan is totally going to fall in love with her. I can smell it a smile away.
Back at the cast party that started this whole mess, AAdrianna and Naomi burn holes through Ty with their laser stares. AAdrianna claims she's waiting for the right moment to spring the news on Ty, but Naomi informs her that that moment has long since past. Yeah, like when you got all jacked up on speedballs and let him stick it in you without protection. Naomi orders AAdrianna to stop eating like a hungry, hungry hippo. As I suspect she will do many times in weeks to come, AAdrianna claims she's eating for two.
Naomi redirects AAdrianna's attention to Ty, so she skulks over to talk to him. He is predictably smarmy -- probably because he knows what her Jewel of the Nile looks like. Without further ado, AAdrianna just lays it all out there. In the middle of a party. God, she has horrible timing. He is understandably shocked. She should have at least told him to sit down first. Isn't that customary for bad news? He says he thought she was on the pill, and she reminds him that she was on all sorts of pills then. He immediately jumps to abortion, and she reveals that it's too late for that. He sinks down to a couch. She mumbles something before walking away. Acting 101: You can't leave your scene partner hanging like that, AAdrianna! The specter of Brenda Walsh would not be pleased.
The Wilsons console Ethan back at the hospital. That is, until Annie decides it's all about her, as opposed to the person who was actually in the car wreck. A doctor emerges and reports that Rhonda, despite a collapsed lung, is in stable condition. Ethan breathes a sigh of relief. The Wilsons get up to head home, but Ethan says his mom is on the way. Annie offers to wait with him, but he says he wants some time alone. Heh. Suck on that, Kansas. Annie Love Hewitt tells him to call ASAP, then she swoops in for one last painful embrace to remind him why he loves her so much. She's always thinking of others! After she leaves, Ethan looks pensively at Rhonda's parents.
The Wilsons arrive home to the Casa and discover Dixon. They tell him Ethan's fine, and he cryptically notes that there must be something in the air tonight. They force it out of him that he broke up with Silver. Other than a comment about unrequited love, he is fairly close-mouthed before escaping.
Meanwhile, AAdrianna and Naomi nosh on Easy Mac at AAdrianna's house. Re: Ty, Naomi expounds on the relative immaturity of males to females. At one point, Naomi literally has the fork still in her mouth when AAdrianna asks if she's going to finish her food. Well, she might've if you hadn't played the "eating for two" card, hussmunch. Naomi changes topics, reminding her that she has to break the PG news to DinaLite. AAdrianna says she wants to have a plan first, especially since DinaLite's reaction will inevitably be ugly. Ain't no greedy baby takin' DinaLite's momager cut! AAdrianna knows she won't book many parts once she starts showing. Because she's booking so many now? She mopes, "I don't know what's going to be worse: My mom finding out, or everyone at school." She knows it will be humiliating, especially since she hasn't yet shaken the druggie reputation.
As they're talking, DinaLite appears and spews out only words of love and harmony. By which I mean she shits all over AAdrianna for making a mess and asks about the toothpaste commercial. With a pillow conspicuously draped across her tummy, AAdrianna admits that she didn't get it... but she did get the lead in the school play! The money signs fall from DinaLite's eyes. AAdrianna says she tried her best, and DinaLite snorts, "Yeah, I see all the effort. Lying around eating mac and cheese -- there's a recipe for success!" Oh shut it, DL. DinaLite leaves, and AAdrianna looks over at Naomi, all, "See?!" Credits.
The day at the Peach Pit, AAdrianna finds a much calmer Ty. He apologizes for reacting badly. She, in turn, apologizes for blindsiding him. He piles on an array of touchy-feely platitudes from the father's section of What To Expect When You're Expecting, then asks how she's doing. She claims she's hungry all the time. Likely story... Ty tells her he broke the news to his parents. Now they want to set up a meet-and-greet with her family. What a good time that will be! AAdrianna shrinks away from that idea since she hasn't told DinaLite, though she doesn't admit that to Ty. He says his parents won't take no for an answer. They want him to take responsibility. Well, he should start by taking responsibility for that cheesy peach fuzz on his upper lip. He concludes, with a simpering grin, "We're in this together, Ade." Of course, she is dumb and desperate enough to go for it. He proposes they order chili cheese fries. Yes, fat, complex carbs, and toxic, processed cheese. It does a fetus right!
Over at the Casa, Dixon and Navid toss around a football and some ideas for getting over their exes. Navid, because he is a mayjah geek, proposes memory erasure, Eternal Sunshine-style. Dixon vetoes that idea in favor of the tried-and-true method of rubbing up against the girls that cross their paths. Navid is not so optimistic about this idea, given his sub-par macking skillz. Dixon jokes that maybe memory removal is the way to go.
Ethan visits Rhonda at the hospital. Other than a sling on her right arm, she seems pretty solid. Ethan blurts an apology, but she cuts him and reassures him that she won't sue. Not content to stop while he's ahead, Ethan actually implies she should. Idiot. She focuses on the fact that they both came out of the wreck in one piece, punctured lung notwithstanding. She jokes that he got her out of a math test. He laughs and asks what school she goes to. She's all, "Your school, dip shit. We have French together." He apologizes, and she totally calls him out for being in the cool kids' bubble. He weakly claims he isn't. Oh, gee whiz, guys! I think there's an important social lesson to be learned here. Vom.
That night, AAdrianna arrives at Ty's house sans DinaLite. Unlike AAdrianna's valley abode, the Collins house looks like the Gentleman's Lounge of a swank country club. Ty's parents are super-friendly, which immediately tells me they're scheming backstabbers. AAdrianna lies that DinaLite couldn't leave work "in the restaurant business." Daddums chuckles about his days slumming it as a busboy. Ty is shocked to hear of his proletarian past. Biting, awkward WASP humor about Ty being a lazy trust fund baby ensues. I suspect the Collinses are somehow related to Bunny MacDougal.
Mumsy pierces the jocularity and zeroes in on AAdrianna's fetus. AAdrianna assures them she has seen a doctor, but Mumsy insists they see her doctor and gives Daddums a conspiratorial tap-tap on the knee. He offers to cover the costs. Nothing is too good for their illegitimate grandchild! Mumsy puts on her most maternal mien and sweetly says, "You're only 16, AAdrianna. You shouldn't have to deal with this alone." Again, our heroin(e) is dumb and desperate enough to go along with this fuckery. I smell a rat in these mahogany halls.
The day in French class, Ethan stares ruefully at Rhonda's empty chair.
Later, Hot for Drama Teacher warns the cast of Antony & Cleopatra that they only get one absence from rehearsals. Navid barrels into their rehearsal room and quickly starts backing up while stuttering that he forgot they would be here. He and AAdrianna share a pained look. As HfDT resumes rehearsal, Ty asks AAdrianna if she's meeting Mumsy that afternoon. She is. Elsewhere, Ethan continues staring into space. Annie takes his silence as a clue to jabber about herself. She wants to approach HfDT and ask why she didn't land the role of Cleopatra. She feigns humility, but, as we know, she is a crap actress.
Ethan can't be bothered to humor Annie's narcissistic neuroses, so he changes the subject and asks whether he should send balloons to Rhonda. Annie thinks that's too impersonal. He points out that he doesn't know her well enough to personalize anything. Plus Hallmark doesn't make an "I'm Sorry I Punctured Your Lung and Would Have Never Otherwise Noticed Your Existence" card. He is clearly asking for ideas, but Annie just shrugs it off because she is too busy planning her parking lot ambush on HfDT.
After rehearsal, AAdrianna meets Mumsy at the OB-GYN. The doctor asks if Mumsy is AAdrianna's mom, and she stiffly defines herself as "a close friend." As they say, "With friends like these..." Doc brings up AAdrianna's history of drug abuse, which gives Mumsy ammunition to insist on an amniocentesis. Mumsy guilts AAdrianna into it on the grounds that they should know if she gave the baby a birth defect. Doc fires up the ultrasound and points out the baby's legs, arms, nose, and ears. How far along is she? That baby is about to claw its way out, it's so fully developed. Way to monitor your periods, junkie. AAdrianna and Mumsy share some boilerplate treacle about the miracle of life, and Mumsy cloyingly grabs the gold digger's hand for good measure. Butter that turkey up!
The happy duo arrives back at Collins Country Club. AAdrianna thanks them for the help and maternity clothes, at which point Mumsy rears up to strike. She pulls out a pamphlet for a "spa" in New Mexico where AAdrianna can "relax" before she has the baby. On top of that, she slides a legal contract that AAdrianna and DinaLite must sign. It details their financial commitment to the baby and the impending adoption. AAdrianna's all, "Beep beep! Back up the bus. Adoption?" Mumsy shames her some more about all of the poor sad people who don't have the luxury of getting knocked up while swirling down the K-hole, then reiterates her breezy command to sign the papers before mentally washing her hands of this whole ordeal so she can go back to playing 18 holes in her backyard.
Ethan returns to the hospital chockablock with a personal DVD player, dozens of movies, and enough snacks to feed a stoned linebacker. Rhonda seems hesitant, so he positions this offering as his attempt to get to know her better -- as opposed to a feeble attempt at absolution. She opts for The Wedding Planner and chocolate-covered pretzels, then invites him to stay. He eyes the clock because he has play rehearsal but agrees to stay in service of her recovery.
Over at the Peach Pit, Dixon and Navid read aloud what appears to be a 58-year-old, reverse psychology-based tome on wooing the opposite sex. Navid decides to put theory into practice. He geekily sashays up to some girl and proceeds to insult her hair. Truth be told, it's pretty manky hair, but still... She storms off, and Dixon mockingly applauds Navid as he returns to the table in defeat. Suddenly Rah Rah materializes and designates herself their informal advisor on all matters hook-up-related. She invites them to a party for practice. Dixon tries to keep up some of his street cred, saying, "I don't need your help with no ladies. Believe me, if Dixon wants a girl, Dixon gets a girl." Rah Rah calls him out for being a tool bag who speaks in the third person.
Over at AAdrianna's, she and Naomi lounge by the pool and go over the fetalgreement. AAdrianna is bowled over by the spa treatments, but Naomi is dubious. AAdrianna echoes Mumsy's words about the deserving yet infertile. Naomi snarks that she saw Juno, too. She notices that the contract forbids AAdrianna from even talking about Ty or her pregnancy. She thinks it's harsh and that AAdrianna is being taken for a ride. AAdrianna goes off because she perceives this well-founded concern as Naomi shitting all over her plan. She defends the Collinses' honor and thinks she can sort this all out with a single phone call. To stick it to Naomi, she leaves Ty an overly cutesy message that makes it seem like she and Ty are lovey-dovey newlyweds and his parents are her BFFs.
Back at the hospital, Ethan helps Rhonda navigate the hall. He tells her to slow down, name-checking Usain "Lightning" Bolt. Way to catch up with August 2008, bro! She admits the sports talk flies right over her head, and he touchés that she might be in her own little bubble. She says that the life that flashed before her eyes in the wreck was a boring one, so she has made a commitment to try new things. Ethan jumps on the bandwagon, saying that he'd like to learn guitar and go skydiving. They resolve to carpe diem.
Back at West Bev, Annie chases after HfDT to apologize that Ethan missed rehearsal, which is so not her job... Besides, HfDT totally doesn't care. She starts to head off but senses that Annie has more to say. Annie launches into her faux-humble, obviously rehearsed speech to ask why she didn't get the lead in the play. HfDT commends her passion but recommends acting classes. Translation: You can't act, try pole-dancing. Annie's all, "What? My silken hair and effervescent spirit weren't enough?! Everyone's a critic."
The day, AAdrianna pulls up to her home to discover Mumsy's Town Car parking in front. She throws her big ol' belly into Mumsy's path and asks why she's there. Mumsy says she wants to discuss the fetalgreement with DinaLite. AAdrianna tries to give her the brush-off, since she still hasn't told DinaLite about the crack baby, but her plan is foiled when DL comes outside to see what's going on. Commercials.
DinaLite ushers her obviously pregnant daughter and Mumsy into the house. Mumsy references AAdrianna's "situation," which she deems "pressing." DinaLite tosses AAdrianna a look, like, "Throw me a frickin' bone, here!" So AAdrianna eventually coughs out that "the baby is due in five months," as if the bowling ball under her shirt weren't evidence enough. Then Mumsy brings up the contract, and DinaLite can't contain her horrified, yet baffled face. She and AAdrianna do a little tap dance around their mutual ignorance before AAdrianna expresses her reservations about the gag order and the adoption plan. Mumsy really starts to pour on the shame, thus awakening the Mama Bear in DinaLite.
Mumsy nails AAdrianna for being a junkie who got herself knocked up and didn't even realize it until it was too late. She asks if AAdrianna is really responsible enough for motherhood. Both Fauxhans react defensively. DinaLite points to AAdrianna's stellar acting career as proof of her responsibility and commitment. Mumsy points out that DinaLite clearly didn't even know about this "situation" until five minutes ago, so she is in no place to argue. She makes one last attempt, but really she just belittles AAdrianna's life. DinaLite kicks Mumsy, her fetalgreement, and her shitty attitude out right then and there. Who knew DinaLite was actually a mom and not just a perma-tanned moocher with a bunch of tips stuffed in her bra? After the door closes, AAdrianna starts telling DinaLite she's proud of her, but DinaLite cuts her off to take some time to process it all.
Meanwhile, Silver shuffles into the Peach Pit and orders food from one of the waiters. She faux-casually asks if Dixon is working. He says no and asks if her order is to stay or to go. To go.
Back at AAdrianna's, DinaLite stands in the doorway and announces, "Okay... I've had a little scotch, and I'm real calm." All right, that was actually Cher in Mermaids, but isn't it a great line? -- and one that is miles better than whatever these writers have to offer? AAdrianna apologizes first, then DinaLite reciprocates for being a crap mom. AAdrianna says she hasn't been all bad, pointing to a nonsense anecdote about how DinaLite bought her a sled... in L.A. Okay? AAdrianna acknowledges that she feels more like an ATM than a daughter sometimes. DinaLite says that she understands why AAdrianna didn't tell her. AAdrianna is relieved to know she will not be homeless or disowned. Now it's DinaLite's turn to sputter out the trite line about how they're in this together. When did this show start reeking of TGIF hokeyness? Oh, right.
The day, Ethan silently endures Annie's obsessive detailing of her conversation with HfDT. Annie has decided to make one wise choice -- to take some constructive criticism to heart and sign up for acting classes -- but it's cancelled out by her decision to wear baggy woolen short-shorts with a massive belt. Ethan eventually can't take it anymore and brings it to Annie's attention that there are bigger issues than a school play. He mentions his conversation with Rhonda. Annie takes offense at the mere suggestion that she is not absolutely right about everything ever, but Ethan shuts down before she can get totally self-righteous. Ethan echoes Rhonda, saying the accident "jolted [him] out of [his] bubble." Annie notes that she is still in that bubble, and he has no real response to that. He vaguely claims to feel "different... good different." Instead of actually engaging him on an intellectual, spiritual, or emotional level, she just pacifies him and flits off to drama practice. And so the distance grows between them.
We segue to the pussy party, where a whiny, but mildly appealing emo band (Carolina Liar, FYI) plays an on-the-nose song about finding what you're looking for, a.k.a. yourself. What I am looking for, however, is a way to describe the band's hipsterrible outfits. It's like Williamsburg threw up on four hapless musicians. Pan over to Dixon, Navid, and Rah Rah, who asks if they are eying any ladies. Navid scans the crowd and finds an Indian girl, noting, "She looks good -- not pregnant." Good God, man! With those high standards, no wonder you've been alone so long! Remembering that he and Rah Rah don't know each other very well, Navid backpedals. She moves on and tells him to talk to her, to be himself. He responds that being himself is a bad idea. Dixon gives him a pep talk that would, on an athletic field, translate to a swift smack on the ass.
Alas, Navid can't go it alone, so he suckers them into coming with him. They gamely march over to watch sparks fly. Except these sparks seem to be of the crash-and-burn variety. Navid quickly launches into a verbal assault on the poor girl about his geekiness and obsession with World of Warcraft. He doesn't give her a second to think or speak in his minutes-long barrage of reasons why he is a total loser that she should never consider dating. He book-ends it all with the phrases, "I'm really uncool," and "adjust [your] expectations accordingly." Of course, because this show isn't any better than predictable -- even when it's trying not to be -- she goes for it. And they lived happily ever after. Huuuuurl. On a related note, there is no amount of bullshit that these writers can throw at me that will squelch my crushes on Michael Steger and Tristan Wilds. Bless them, they're trying.
Meanwhile, Silver visits the Casa and lies to Debbie that she is looking for Annie. Debbie immediately picks up that she is actually looking for Dixon and, in the sweetest, least intrusive way possible, tells her where he is.
Back at school, the drama geeks play theater games. Annie effs it up by obsessing over, what else?, her own (fake) problems. HfDT moves on to scene rehearsal, but even that can't happen because Ethan is not there. Maybe the universe does revolve around Annie? Maybe I have Stockholm Syndrome.
As you guessed, Ethan is at the hospital, delicately helping Rhonda into bed. She appears conspicuously weaker than she was earlier and apologizes to Ethan for being useless. He is totally cool with it and tells her to get some rest before he heads out. Once he's gone, she practically back flips out of bed to get the remote control, then clicks the channel to a basketball game. What a schemin' hussy!
Back at the party, the teens are in the middle of their clichéd poolside hijinks, and Navid is getting friendly with his geeky gaming princess. Rah Rah gives Dixon a hard time for not deploying his pimp skillz yet. He claims he will when the mood strikes, but she knows that he isn't over Silver. Speaking of the White Devil, guess who has arrived at the party to spy? Rah Rah gives Dixon a chummy nudge on the shoulder, which brings Silver out swinging. She screams, "I knew you weren't a lesbian!" Lord, forgive her for she knows not what she does... Rah Rah tells Dixon to control his girl, so Silver goes off about how she's no longer his girl. She wonders what kind of love inspires such an abrupt dumping. Dixon tries to avoid making a scene, but, in the process of scuttling Silver off, he actually causes her to knock over a guy with a tray of drinks. She runs off, and Rah Rah bids Dixon to follow her.
Out in front, Dixon catches up to her and asks what that hot mess was about. She sobs that seeing him with other girls makes her crazy and that "this being in love stuff is making [her] crazy." Dixon spots the Silver lining, so to speak, that she just admitted she loves him -- even if she didn't say so explicitly. They kiss and make up.
The morning at West Bev, AAdrianna meets a pissed-off Ty in an empty classroom. He reveals that the amniocentesis was actually a ploy to test the baby's paternity, which insults AAdrianna. She tells him he and the country club guild are missing the point by shipping her off to New Mexico. She is particularly upset about being legally forbidden to talk about it ever. He doesn't understand why that's an issue because their situation is humiliating. She admits it is, but says silence won't erase it. She throws in a pot shot about his uptight bitch of a mom and heads out.
And where does she go? To the AV room, where Navid is Warcrafting with the new gf. She asks for his help...
Elsewhere, Ethan and Annie walk down the hall. He admits the play isn't really his thing. She says she's fine with that, but double-checks that his distance is actually the play, not her... As they talk, they cross paths with the blissfully reunited Dixon and Silver, whose cooing and cuddling are interrupted when AAdrianna appears on the monitors of the schools P.A. system. Yes -- the ones in every hallway and classroom. In short order, she announces that everyone can get all their gossiping out now because she is pregnant and the baby was conceived while she was high. She takes the high road and refuses to reveal the father, snarking that it was an immaculate conception. At this, Naomi smiles to herself and Ty breathes a sigh of relief. AAdrianna is very, very proud of herself. Chew on that, haters!
week: Valentine's Day! That means sweet, sweet lovin' for some. And ignored calls for others. Make that lovin' for everyone except Annie. Hopefully Ethan gives her a box of Message Hearts that all read, "We're through, sucka!"