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No one sleeps this week, though I'm not sure why. It's not finals. They just think their lives are that important, I guess. Self-deluded as always! At least they're consistent. On the upside, when no one sleeps, shit actually happens. It's quite refreshing.
The school's spring production of Antony and Cleopatra is afoot. Annie wants to audition for Cleopatra. Kill me now. She also convinces Ethan, who is a terrible actor to try out for Antony, but Ty (remember him?) shows up to give Ethan some stiff competition. Pun intended, courtesy of Ty's smarmy attempts at hitting on Annie. Also? Methinks I see the beginning of a pornstache. Eventually, when Annie doesn't get her way re: the play, she's a total brat. For his part, Ethan lands the role of the play's token eunuch -- a telling selection. A pep talk from Harry and Debbie sets Annie straight. She calls Ethan, but, in doing so, inadvertently sets the wheels turning for him to get in a horrible car accident. Or so it seems…
AAdrianna also wants the part of Cleopatra. So help me God, if this show finds a way to put "Mama Who Bore Me (Reprise)" into Shakespeare… So the little junkie goes to great lengths -- staying up all night, drinking tons of coffee, etc. Naomi calls in Kelly for an intervention and is, out of nowhere, all about AAdrianna getting an abortion. I guess she wants someone else besides her to have emotional problems. And Naomi has them a-plenty when her father returns, as big a dickhead as ever, and tosses her out of the Compound, thereby forcing her into his beachside love shack. Adding to that, Naomi stops by the Clark Compound one day to re-learn that age-old adage: Once a cheater, always a cheater. That's right. Papa Clark is still on the prowl.
But back to AAdrianna's emotional problems! An almost-car wreck results in an emotional catharsis, but her mellow is harshed when she hits up the abortion clinic and finds out that she is too far along to be pro-choice. She ends up using her raw emotions to wow the new drama teacher and score the part of Cleopatra. To be fair, she does have more relevant life experience as a hyper-sexualized, suicidal mess with blunt-banged bob. The bad news is that she has to play opposite Ty. And guess what! He's the bastard's father. Scandal!
Matthews returns in full-on Pariah mode. It does not suit him. He ignores the hell out of Kelly and takes a hit out on Silver for bashing him on her blog. Silver tries to make it up to him, but her pleas fall on deaf ears. Kelly stages a second intervention, and Ryan pours out his heart, crying that all his blood, sweat, and educational tears have amounted to nothing! Wah wahhhhhhh. After Kelly's talkin' to, though, Matthews briefly realizes he's a whiny bitch and makes nice with Silver. He also makes nice with the new drama teacher. I'm starting to think Matthews is a sex addict.
Dixon and Silver continue to silently hate each other. Debbie tells him to be direct so that Silver will take her head out of her ass. And, bless his heart, he actually attempts this approach, but Silver is, as is the norm these past few episodes, too self-obsessed and self-important for him to get a word in edgewise. He finally shuts her up for a second to tell her not to let the door her ass on the way out of their relationship. Yep, West Bev's awesomest couple is now kaput. Lame move, show. Very lame.
See how the new cast compares to the old West Beverly crew. Come back on Thursday for the full weecap.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: There was this teacher named Matthews. Does anybody still care? There was also this drama heartthrob named Ty. See above. Dixon told Silver he loved her and did not get the desired response. AAdrianna had loads of junkie sex and got the expected (though not desired) First Response.
West Bev. Students hang banners for Antony & Cleopatra. Harry welcomes the much-maligned Mr. Matthews back with open arms, even finagling him a trip to Berkeley -- most likely as a pittance for forcing Matthews to take the fall to advance Harry's undercover agenda. Matthews flatly refuses, admitting that he might not be teaching much longer. You see, during Matthews' soul-searching journey to South Dakota, he saw things no man should ever see, did things no man should ever do. He's no longer the naïve young pup he once was. Grossly overestimating his own skill and talent as a teacher, Matthews proclaims his Dead Poets Society days are over, then basically tells Harry he's phoning it in for the rest of the year. Smart thing to tell your boss, asshat. Harry encourages him to tough it out.
And speaking of naïve young pups, as Harry leaves, Kelly trots up to Matthews like a puppy desperate for petting. She tries in vain to revive their rapport, but he is total douche -- to her... and, I suppose, in general.
Elsewhere, Ethan and Dixon stroll down the hall and talk about the play. Ethan asks if Dixon will run the lights board. Dixon unenthusiastically says that Silver is stage managing. Ethan asks how that's going, and Dixon admits they're "pretending" not to hate each other. Dixon doesn't want to talk about it, so he sends Ethan over to chat with Miss Teen Drama 2008, a.k.a. Wendla Bergmann (understudy) a.k.a. Annie.
Annie greets Ethan with a line from Antony & Cleopatra about laying her crown at Caesar's feet. There's a joke in there, but Annie's reading is too monotone and machine gun-like for me to eek it out. Ethan couldn't care less (and I'm beginning to suspect a bit of that comes from Dustin Milligan knowing this show sucks, regardless of how much pizzazz he puts into his own line readings). But Annie's (and Shenae's, for that matter) head is too far up her ass to notice, so she just gushes about how romantic and poetic, yadda yadda, the role is. It's her been her lifelong dream (all 16 years!) to play Cleopatra, and she thinks the part is as good as hers. On the upside, she side notes that Tabitha was once up for the film role of Cleopatra, but that "violet-eyed hussy" Elizabeth Taylor stole her part. Love you, Tabby! You make scenes better even when you're not in them!
The new drama teacher, Ms. Casey, enters the hallway to pin up the audition sign-up sheet, advising that there will be strobe effects (in ancient Egypt?), so epileptics best not be trying out. (Discrimination?) Ms. Casey's a hot young thing à la Karen "Duff" Duffy in the early '90s. Some kid simpers about one of her past productions, but she tells him to save it. She spots Annie and compliments her performance in Spring Awakening. Hot for Drama Teacher says she's looking forward to Annie's audition, and Dorkwad Wilson pulls out the crown-laying line again. I believe she just signed her walking papers.
HfDT gives Annie a wink as she heads out, leading Annie to deduce that they're going to be besties forever and ever! Squee! Ethan gives her the minimum required encouragement, and Annie decides that he should audition, too! He has zero enthusiasm. She thinks it'll be a great bonding experience -- yeah, just like the bon(d)ing she did with Ty. She assures him that there will be plenty of smaller parts, then backpedals, claiming "There are no small parts, only small actors." Something tells me Ethan fills both of these requirements. He's still not sold, so she goes to the old stand-by: comparing him to an Egyptian slave boy. Vom.
Elsewhere, Naomi finds AAdrianna mainlining coffee and quips that she's getting a healthy start to her day. AAdrianna explains she has a toothpaste audition today and Antony & Cleopatra auditions tomorrow. She's convinced she's going to get the role of Cleopatra, too. Suck on that, Wilson! AAdrianna says she's going to be up all night learning lines before getting another coffee. Naomi takes issue with this since homegirl is feeding toxic waste to her unborn bastard. Apparently AAdrianna's also been avoiding doctor's appointments. Naomi thinks she's not properly dealing with her situation. AAdrianna brushes her off.
Over in Matthews' class, the students enter with varying degrees of enthusiasm and derision. Matthews gets all tough guy, calling them by their last name and telling them to sit in alphabetical order. "Miss Silver" sees quickly that she has been left off the seating chart and asks Matthews what's the deal. He tells the hate blogger that he has decided to enact his on her by transferring her from his class. Can teachers do that? Silver makes one last plea, which falls on deaf ears. She stands there gawking while Matthews assigns a paper on Heart of Darkness. He gives one last cold look at "Miss Silver" and tells her not to let the door hit her on the way out.
Later, AAdrianna sucks up to the casting director at the toothpaste audition. Her smile fades when she spots Naomi and Kelly. Says Kelly, "We need to talk." Credits.
Back at the baby intervention, AAdrianna tries her damndest to escape, but Kelly and Naomi have her cornered. They offer to help her take care of herself -- and her baby. Naomi urges AAdrianna to consider her "options," a.k.a. abortion, but Kelly claims that teenagers can get through these situations with the right support. Naomi breaks up that feel-good sentiment by pointing out that AAdrianna has no support system. It's a fact, sure, but it's also a ploy to make herself the center of AAdrianna's world. I'm sure there's probably some residual "I hate my own family" stuff in there, too. She squares away the options: have the baby versus lead a successful, fulfilling life. It doesn't exactly fall out that way, of course, but keep in mind this is Naomi doling out advice.
AAdrianna starts walking out, but Kelly halts her by suggesting that she consider every option, including adoption. Naomi can't stand that someone else might have an opinion, so she stoops low, outright accusing AAdrianna of being unfit for motherhood. That's the last straw. AAdrianna angrily tells them to get on the same page or shut the eff up. Kelly gives one piece of parting advice: Take control of this situation before it takes control of you. Or as my friends in High School Musical are wont to sing, "Get'cha get'cha head in the game". Icy glances between AAdrianna and Naomi.
Back at West Bev, Silver upbraids Matthews for not understanding how infallible and awesome she is. She incredulously asks how Matthews could kick her out of his class. Dixon points out the obvious -- which Matthews already said in plain English, btw -- that she ripped his reputation to shreds on a widely read student blog. She insists she didn't do anything wrong. Yeah, except for not keeping your yap shut before slandering someone that you supposedly respect. Dixon makes a thinly veiled excuse for Matthews vis-à-vis his own frustration with Silver that guys get hurt, even if they act strong. She totally misses the parallel, of course and starts rambling about winning Matthews back with a fantastic Heart of Darkness paper. Dixon is sad. I hate new Silver!
Naomi enters Clark Compound to discover a shoeless blonde skank standing her parents' dining room table. The skank says she's a real estate broker, but is quickly interrupted by the brusque conversational stylings of Papa Clark. Turns out, Naomi incorrectly thought Crazy Eyes had gone to Paris for a vacation. In fact, she escaped to New York City to nurse a nervous breakdown. Because when I want to get away from the stressful, frantic pace of life in the fast lane, I immediately think of New York City! In any case, now that Crazy Eyes has checked in to Bellevue, Naomi is stuck camping out at Papa's beach house while he sells the Compound. No one is happy.
That night, angsty strumming underscores AAdrianna driving down PCH, mainlining yet more coffee. She ignores a text from Naomi. Night turns into morning, and she's still driving... and yawning... and driving... and nearly crashing into another car! She pulls off the road to collect herself. She waits until the coast is clear, then turns around to go back from whence she came.
That morning, Naomi saunters into the love shack's breakfast room, as Papa and his mistress canoodle. Tense conversation follows until Papa he tells her to sit down and shut up -- she's living in his house now. She takes it.
Over at Kelly's house, Silver worked all night on the paper for Matthews. As usual, she thinks her writing is the greatest thing that has ever graced the face of the Earth. She all but says they're going to have to come up with a hipster alternative to the Pulitzers. She is certain Matthews will be gagging to have her back in his classroom. Kelly doesn't understand where this mission to prove herself stems from, so Silver fills her in on the transfer. She claims Matthews is "just a little bit sensitive." Oh, shut it, Silver.
Over at West Bev, Annie and Ethan run lines. His inflection and general inability to say words make me doubt that he can read at all. In the background, a tall, dark, and handsome man from the past sets his pervy gaze on Annie. Of course I am talking about West Bev's resident drama lothario Ty. Naturally, there is some rivalry between Ty and Ethan as Ty smarms all over Annie. He jibes, "I like the way you e-NUN-ci-ate, Ethan." Ethan shoots back, "Thank you, Ty! I like the way you wear your jeans just one size too small." Ha! I take back the reading comment.
Ty averts his intensity to Annie, flirtatiously asking if she wants to "rehearse" that afternoon since they're audition partners. Just to be a snot, he asks if Ethan's okay with that. Ethan plays it cool, so Ty takes it up a notch, saying he misses Annie, then leans in real close, puts his arm around her, and says that getting the lead roles will be a great chance to "hang out and do the whole 'backstage thing.'" Insert leering smile and rape-y eyes here. I hate new Ty, too! Him and his patchy pornstache. Ty struts away, taking a second glance back to see if Ethan has spontaneously combusted yet. He has not. Ethan assures Annie that he's fine and returns to running lines. Annie looks at Ethan dubiously because she can't imagine a world in which two guys wouldn't die for the chance to fist fight over her affections.
Meanwhile, AAdrianna concludes her highway odyssey at the abortion clinic. Commercials.
Back at West Bev, Ty Blue Steels his way through Shakespeare. Annie tries not to cream her pants in front of Hot for Drama Teacher. As they finish up and walk offstage, Annie is convinced she nailed it. She takes this moment to make sure Ty knows that she's with Ethan now. He acts gracious for about 15 seconds -- just long enough for her to let her guard down -- then starts passive-aggressively nitpicking at her acting technique. It's super condescending, thoroughly manipulative, and all kinds of assy.
Kelly comes into Matthews' classroom with guns blazing re: "Miss Silver." Like everyone in the Bev Niner, Kelly thinks it's all about her. Kudos to Matthews for taking her down a notch on that one. She comes out swinging, calling him out for sleeping with Brenda. He consciously avoids that line of conversation and assures Kelly that he transferred Silver for reasons unrelated to Kelly. He admits that he's burned out, jaded, and ready to cut the cord after this semester. He says he went out on a limb for his students, and it broke. Deep! He hands back Silver's paper without even reading it. Kelly gives him the tough love, telling him that he is a great teacher, but he's not proving himself by refusing to acknowledge hard work and ambition. She walks out empty-handed. Matthews thoughtfully picks up Silver's essay.
AAdrianna arrives to the darkened auditorium as HfDT packs up. AAdrianna apologizes for being late, but HfDT isn't having it. AAdrianna takes the stage, determined to prove herself, and starts reciting the suicide scene with woeful, tortured, teary inflection. This gives HfDT pause. Oh, whatever. AAdrianna pulled this shit with Brenda. Girl, get a new gimmick! Also, imagine a pregnant Cleopatra. Just sayin'.
At the same time, Naomi swings by Clark Compound. She skips up the stairs, only to discover the bright red jacket that the broker wore this morning... then a trail of shoes, loose socks, a tie, Papa's dress shirt, etc., all of which lead to a red bra on the door handle and Papa Clark and the slutty broker giggling post-coitally.
Over at the Casa, Dixon runs into Debbie in the kitchen. She tells him to invite Silver to dinner, which he is clearly reluctant about. She immediately spots his weariness, so she sits him down for a heart-to-heart. Dixon recaps the "I love you" mishap, admitting that they agreed to pretend it never happened. Debbie tells a long-winded anecdote with the aim of telling him to be direct because Silver can't read his mind. Debbie gives her too much credit. I say it's more because she's become a self-obsessed twit with no perspective. Down with new Silver!
AAdrianna finds Naomi sulking by a campfire in front of the beach house. AAdrianna apologizes for being out of touch. She tells Naomi about her driving expedition and tells her about seeing people on the beach happily playing volley and flying kites and basically doing the things that she'll never do again. Yeah, because no one ever flies a kite with a kid. Shut up, AAdrianna. Anyhow, AAdrianna is feeling the weepies because her options suck. She says her almost-accident brought on an epiphany. She headed straight to the clinic... but she couldn't do it. Naomi sympathizes admirably... until AAdrianna bleats out that she could not get an abortion because it was illegal, not because she didn't want to. They sit silently and survey the surf, perhaps trying to figure out where they can "Baby on Board" bumper sticker.
The morning, Naomi sinks into another mundane power struggle with Papa and takes the chance to inform him that she's shacking up in a hotel until Crazy Eyes returns. He is predictably dismissive. She stands her ground this time, though, and reminds him that he's a crap parent and a serial philanderer. She tells him she doesn't need a father anymore and walks off. Something tells me her tune will change when she realizes she's cut out of the will as she and Crazy Eyes survive on Ramen and wine coolers alone.
Over at West Bev, Silver finds Matthews, who admits to reading her paper. He says it was insightful and ambitious. They stroke each other's egos and exchange witty banter, eventually agreeing that she is back in from the cold.
Out in the hall, HfDT tacks up the cast list for Antony & Cleopatra. Annie is pissed to discover she didn't get the lead. Token gay drama guy comforts her that Charmian the Slave Girl is nearly as juicy a part. Ethan approaches the pack, and some random girl holds up a high five hand to congratulates him for getting a part. He is so surprised that he totally leaves her hanging! And what part did Ethan get? Mardian the Eunuch, baby. Annie is sour grapes to him: "You got a part?!" What a hag. He ignores her temporary Asperger's and reminds her they can hang out more. He even mocks Ty's smarmy "backstage" talk. I must say, I've been going back and forth as to whether to proclaim my growing affection for Ethan over the last few weeks -- especially since he doesn't see Annie for the whiny harpy she is -- but the kid is really growing on me. That can't be a good sign. Anyhow, a token hipster drama kid jogs over too excitedly and breathlessly asks who got Cleopatra. Token gay kid smirks, "Who else?"
Cut to AAdrianna as Kelly and Naomi promise to support her through the coming months. AAdrianna makes nice, jokingly blames her surliness on hormones. They discuss support groups and doctor's appointments, at which point Naomi mentions a platinum speculum. Shudder. Kelly tells AAdrianna she'll have to give the father's health history to her doctor. Stress clouds AAdrianna's face, and she confesses that junkie Hank isn't actually the father. There's only one other option, she says. Suddenly a pair of hands cover AAdrianna's eyes. Sadly, it's not Navid riding in on a white horse to save the day. Instead, it's smutty Ty. Awkward silence. He notes this tension and says he'll see her at the Antony & Cleopatra cast dinner before leaving quickly. Yep, Ty's the baby daddy. What a non sequitur, to borrow the language of Antony himself.
Later that night, Annie mopes in a dark room at Casa Wilson. Ethan arrives to pick her up for the cast dinner but is surprised to find her in pajamas. She tells him she won't be going. He tries to lighten the mood by saying couscous, a universally acknowledged funny word, but she is implacable. He tells her exactly what any good (and somewhat trite) boyfriend should: "You're still my leading lady," before heading out.
Meanwhile, the cast party is in full swing. HfDT finds Matthews and wonders why he's there. He proposes they she speak to his English class. She acts intrigued by the idea, though I think she's more intrigued by Matthews rubbing his face pubes all over her. Seriously, she says "interdisciplinary" like it's in the Kama Sutra. She says Matthews seems like a passionate teacher (and lovah). He echoes his earlier sentiments about going out on a limb, but with renewed faith in teaching (and sex in the employees lounge). She acts all sultry, but he jets out of there with a pained look on his face. Hunching over slightly, I might add.
Dixon walks in to the party, and Silver, sitting on a couch, immediately pulls him down to her level. Yes, that is a pointed remark. She gloats about her triumphant paper scheme -- which was an idea she blatantly stole from Dixon, btw. Dixon tries several times to shoehorn himself into the conversation, but Silver will not shut the hell up about how brilliant and insightful she is. He finally gets her to pipe down by saying, "You know, for someone so insightful, you can be pretty dense." She is taken aback, and her silence gives him a chance to come out with: You're a narcissistic, self-absorbed drama queen, and we're through, sucka.
Across the room, Naomi and AAdrianna joke about their horrible, horrible lives. I guess what they say is true: If you can't laugh at yourself, you'll cry. It's a refreshing change on Naomi's end, at least. AAdrianna goes silent as Ty arrives at the party. He gives her his leading man leer. Ugh. Naomi asks if AAdrianna is going to talk to him. She says she will... eventually.
Back at the Casa, Harry and Debbie find Annie sprawled across her bed, still moping. Time for another patented Wilson family pep talk! To make Annie feel okay about her role in the play, Debbie spins another yarn that translates roughly to "You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you'll get what you need." Harry is more matter-of-fact, comparing Annie's wooden stage presence versus AAdrianna's emotive acting to a team that was beat by another one with the home advantage. Not exactly apt, but it seems to do the trick. Annie admits she's bummed for not getting the part and, furthermore, bummed that she's bummed. She says going to a party and pretending not to be bummed would be even bummier. Newsflash, girl: That's why you're a shitty actress. Harry and Debbie ignore the fact that their daughter is a world-class prat and give her just the right mix of sympathy and encouragement to make her go to the party.
As they leave the room, Annie calls Ethan to tell him she changed her mind. He happily agrees to pick her up again. While they are still on the phone, he runs a stop sign, and Annie hears a thunderous crash. TBC...
In two weeks: Ty is way harsh to AAdrianna re: the bastard child. Silver gives an Oscar-worthy, woman-on-the-edge performance in front of Dixon and Rah Rah. And dramatic black-and-white footage of Ethan seconds before the car wreck segues to Annie, Debbie, and Harry's desperately entering the ICU.
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