Previously on Beverly Hills 9021-Dear-God-Please-Give-These-Girls-A-Sandwich!: The Wilson clan took the Bev Niner by storm. Dixon enchanted fellow outsider Silver with his mysterious (read: adopted and black) charm. With only a paint brush and a dream, Annie weaseled her way into the school's production of Spring Awakening. This, of course, miffed aspiring actress, thief, druggie, and also-ran Adrianna. Yadda, yadda, yadda, Naomi, Ethan, and Ty also live here. Snooze.
I have a dream that one day (today, specifically), this show will stop hammering "Mama Who Bore Me (Reprise)" into the ground. And that dream has become reality! The show opens with what appears to be Annie and Ty doing the capital-N nasty, but anyone who's seen Spring Awakening knows it's only a scene, and a sexy one at that. Not sure how Annie went from suddenly-in-the-chorus to marquee-level star of this (shit)show, but she is indeed now playing Wendla, the Deflowered. Maybe that was Lucille's one stipulation upon leaving the helm.
Director Brenda stops the sultry scene to make stage manager Silver quit checking her "vlog" and start paying attention to rehearsal. And, let's be honest, I wouldn't be watching, either. I kind of wish I wasn't right now... Brenda thinks Silver has dropped the ball because the lights are still at high beam even though the characters are almost in flagrante. Brenda wants the light to go down softly during the couple's first time. That's not exactly how it happened all those Spring Dances ago, and I, for one, think Brenda is living vicariously through these poor kids. I wouldn't be surprised if Wendla ends up in full-length gloves and a black dress with massive white bows on it. Just sayin'...
Brenda calls a dinner break, then more rehearsal. The show is tomorrow, she reveals, yet they're not having a full-on dress rehearsal. That ain't good. Nonetheless, Brenda sticks to her delusional guns that the show is brilliant. She compliments her cast for "putting the pros to shame." She even promises to personally kick audience members' asses if they don't give the production a Standing O. And you better believe she means it. Girl's still got some fight in her.
As the cast disperses, Brenda thanks Annie for understudying Adrianna. What's that I hear? Another ridiculously obvious plot development, you say? Also? What kind of director puts up with a star who can't be bothered to show up for non-dress rehearsal the night before the show opens? Anyhow, Annie meets up with Ty and they decide to extend the scene, so to speak, and forego their dinner break.
Dixon enters the auditorium as Silver assails the lighting director for missing cues. He promptly quits. Wow, I wonder if Dixon happens to have some background in lighting design? What do you know? He does! He used to do Annie's shows in Kansas. He offers to fill in. Silver is eternally grateful. I bet she's got more than Snickerdoodles with which to thank him.
Over at Clark Compound, Naomi rouses her mother, who has been lying in bed all day. Naomi threatens to call her father so he'll see the consequences of his straying. I say wait until Crazy Eyes is lying on the bathroom floor with vomit and pills trailing from her mouth. As far as depression goes, this is strictly Minor League.
Back at the auditorium, Harry, Kelly, and Matthews walk in to watch the rehearsal. Harry says Annie made them see all the touring shows in Topeka, and he hopes this show isn't like Mamma Mia. Heh. Matthews confirms that Spring Awakening has very few similarities to Mamma Mia. No snorkel dance numbers, at least. Maybe that's what this production needs! It would really make their 45th reprise of "Mama Who Bore Me" crackle!
As they walk to the stage, Matthews gives Harry the quick-and-dirty, explaining that the musical is about kids discovering their sexuality. Speaking of "quick and dirty," they discover Annie and Ty making out in the wings. Annie super-subtly flings herself away from Ty, and Harry bug eyes at the sight of his own, dear daughter fraternizing. Cue credits. If that's the most shocking opener they could find, I don't know how this show is going to sustain itself for another 17 episodes.
Later that night at Casa Wilson, Harry worriedly apprises Debbie of Annie's extracurricular activities. He claims boys in L.A. are not like boys in Kansas. Yeah, they probably know how to use condoms. Debbie says that Harry used to be one of those very boys, and he turned out okay. (Did she forget about the whole 20-year-old lovechild thing already?) They start their own session of permissible, grown-up canoodling, which is appropriately broken up by Tabitha.
Naturally, Tabitha isn't particularly troubled by Annie's backstage action. She's met enough actors in her life to know that they have a fairly low retention rate re: heterosexuality. I'm extrapolating, of course, from Tabitha's own story, which involves bra fumbling and a stagehand named Philip. Oh, Tabby! Harry resolves to talk to Annie, but Debbie wisely says this is a mother-daughter conversation.
Back at Clark Compound, Naomi brings her father to see the wretched state to which he's reduced his long-suffering wife. Crazy Eyes, of course, denies him that pleasure by putting on her shiniest white sequined tank top and proposing a night on the town. Naomi tries to spin the situation by saying his return home for a date has inspired her, but nobody buys it. Naomi leaves, and Crazy Eyes gives it to Mr. Clark, soap-opera-slapping him to ramp up the passion a bit. (Obviously where Naomi learned her moves, God bless her.) It seems to work because Mr. Clark gives it to her right back, if you know what I mean.
Annie returns home, where Debbie has a warm dinner plate a-waiting. They chat about Annie's embarrassing encounter in the wings. Annie claims she'd like to hit herself repeatedly with a hammer. Don't tease! Debbie worries Annie's spending too much time with Ty. Apparently Annie was quite the little drama slut back in Kansas. Annie assures Debbie that her crush on Ty is not just a "play thing," on account of his elfin ears.
Debbie starts in on the sex talk. Annie quickly tries to shut it down, but Debbie says her piece about emotional consequences, blah, blah, blah. Debbie concludes she trusts Annie's judgment. I'm really starting to think Debbie has early-onset Alzheimer's because we're talking about the same kid who allowed herself to be whisked off to San Francisco by a veritable stranger.
At West Bev the day, Adrianna saunters in late and strung-out to costume fitting. It seems she's even sold her bangs to support her drug habit because I see forehead, and it ain't good. Brenda notes that Adrianna has been a no-show lately, and Adrianna, who fancies herself a big-time television and movie star, does herself no favors by trying to put Brenda and her crappy high school production in their place. Nobody puts Brenda in a corner!
Unfortunately, Brenda takes the high road and reminds Adrianna that she's there to support her. Adrianna responds not with a "thank you" but rather with a Jessie Spano-style freak-out. Brenda continues to be boring and supportive, and lets Adrianna rehearse -- you guessed it! -- "Mama Who Bore Me" for the gazillionth time (though, at least this time it's not the reprise). That scene would have been so much more fulfilling if Brenda had strangled Adrianna with a Hyper Color T-shirt and decided that she was the only one who could truly play Wendla.
Elsewhere, Silver and Annie rehash the mortifying moment when Harry caught her kissing Ty. That Annie really does become more of a "Why Me?!" girl every week. Naomi inexplicably joins their conversation and is impressed that Annie has bagged one of the hottest guys in school so soon. Annie draws on her Midwestern chastity and clarifies that there is no "bagging" as of yet. Naomi breaks it to Annie that, while they're may be no bagging now, it's only a matter of time before Ty wants a piece. Silver says it's Annie's prerogative to wait -- she'll do what she wants to do... or not. Naomi says she and Ethan didn't wait and are now the quintessence of a flawless relationship. She tells Annie to go for it. Somewhere out there, Jordin Sparks is wiping sweat off her fivehead while handcrafting a purity ring for Annie. Also? This scene was way better in Clueless.
And speak of the devirginizer, Ethan appears. Annie is all kinds of uncomfortable now that she realizes he has a functional penis. He wishes Annie good luck and promises to come to the show. Before they head to class, Naomi does that annoying popular-girl thing where she offers to "let" him give her a piggy back ride. He does that pussy-whipped-high-school-boy thing where he takes her up on it because it brings him that much closer to her vagina. They head off like imbeciles, and Annie notes that they do seem happy. Silver's all, "Yeah, you are not ready for sex." Ha!
Matthews enters his classroom, where Brenda and Kelly are expressing their concerns about Adrianna. Matthews puts on his Captain Obvious hat to conduct the Shit Talk Express. Let me summarize, "Blah, blah, blah, overblown philosophizing, bleep-bloop, eight o'clock shadow, blergh." Kelly thinks Brenda should pull Adrianna out of the play, but Brenda thinks it will push her over the edge. Matthews dishes out some more platitudes about the thin line between teacher and friend. Brenda carries on with her plan to be Adrianna's savior.
Outside, Annie gets all hot and bothered while practicing another sexy scene with Ty. She says she's stressing over everything, even though she's only in the chorus. Ty's conjoined twin, Foreshadow Collins, reminds her that she is also Adrianna's understudy. He asks if she's going to the Roosevelt Hotel after the show. She blathers on about the hotel until he cuts to the chase -- he booked them a room. He gives her the standard "only if you want to" line, but I'm pretty sure he has at least one other chorus girl lined up in case she bails.
That night at the Wilson abode, Debbie and Harry chat about Annie's newfangled life in the theater. Harry thinks it's too fast, too soon, too sexy! Debbie knows stifling her will backfire. She trusts Annie's judgment; he thinks she'll buckle under the pulses of Ty's libido. Debbie calls him out for punishing her for his mistakes. Her righteous indignation is a bit undercut, however, when Annie walks into the dining room in a dress that places her somewhere between Ashley Alexandra Dupré and Heidi Montag on the sliding scale of slutdom.
At school, Brenda and Adrianna do vocal exercises. Adrianna's mother busts in to tell Adrianna that she has invited agents to the show. "All you have to do," she says sharply, "is kill in this performance... and you'll start working again... and... we'll both be fine!" What a conniving bitch! Let's see more of her! She walks out, each clack of her hooker heels reminding us that Adrianna bears the weight of the world. She's a modern-day Atlas, that one.
Outside, Annie tries to avoid being late, but Harry wants to talk about Ty. He insists Ty should spend some time with the family. (Now will that be before or after they see The Bicycle Thief?) Annie is less-than-enthused, so Harry takes it one step further and invites Ty to join the family for dinner after the show. Annie reminds Harry of the after party, which only inspires Harry to start in on the sex talk, part two. She cuts him off and accuses him of not trusting her.
Inside, Brenda and Silver walk through the halls freaking out that Adrianna is nowhere to be found. Brenda, like, a true professional, lays all the decision-making on Silver. Silver screams out frantically. Conveniently, Adrianna is lying on a couch in that very room. Something tells me Silver was never very good at Where's Waldo? Brenda stomps up to a visibly loopy Adrianna, who claims she's taken a lot of cough medicine because singing so much has strained her voice. Then she lets out a giggly squeal, and the jig is up. Brenda calls Annie off the bench, with 15 minutes until curtain up. Commercials.
Out in the auditorium, we join the calm before Spastical Storm Annie. Adrianna's mom talks her up to some agents who came to see what could have been a wonderfully cracked-out performance. Alas... Across the aisle, Harry and Debbie have the same conversation they've been having all episode, practically verbatim. They should trust their inherently idiotic and naïve daughter, damn it!
Backstage, Silver gives Annie a pep talk, but Annie is too busy hyperventilating to hear it. Ty strolls up in his German schoolboy garb and calms Annie down with a sexy massage. As Ty walks out, Dixon walks in, also looking frazzled. Annie shakes her head with anxiety as the opening music fades in. And... showtime!
Annie begins solidly, singing well and doing all the sensual self-stroking that is Spring Awakening's choreography (love you, Bill T. Jones!). Harry and Debbie look on -- she impressed, he befuddled. Just what one needs to engender trust in a nubile teenage daughter -- the image of her touching herself in front of hundreds of people. Unsurprisingly, Ethan has a big grin on his face.
Also in the audience, Kelly and Matthews wonder what happened to Adrianna. Cut to backstage, where the cast-out little ragamuffin is packing her stuff and walking out to whore herself out for some more pills. (Watch for her on an upcoming episode of Intervention, where she'll reprise the role of Allison, the Sunshine girl!)
Kelly spots Adrianna and asks if she's okay. Before she can answer, Dina Lohan Lite enters and launches into a tirade about all the agents who won't see Adrianna now. Kelly points out that Adrianna looks about two rungs down the ladder from Amy Winehouse-level sloppiness, but Adrianna and DinaLite are still going full-speed on the crazy train. Adrianna suggests Kelly ask Brenda to put her back in the show. Kelly says Brenda thinks Adrianna is doing drugs, but DinaLite turns a blind eye. As they leave, Kelly tells Adrianna to see her on Monday.
Back on stage, the boys sing "The Bitch of Living." Annie swoons, and Dixon is so busy bebopping, that he misses a lighting cue. Silver snaps the cue at him, and he blacks out the stage. Hilariously, the audience breaks into screaming applause, all, "Thank God I can cheer now. You know, since it's dark on stage? Whoo!" Silver is a little miffed at Dixon, but he smoothes it out by flirting that he likes when she's bossy. Hot. Why aren't they making out backstage?
As the play continues, Ethan gets a text from Naomi that she can't make it to the show but will see him at the after party. And speak of the Devil Woman, she's at home wondering why her mother is gathering all her father's belongings up. Crazy Eyes plans to donate all of Mr. Clark's clothes to the homeless. Naomi stupidly says she thought they were getting back together, and Crazy Eyes has to spell it out that they are getting a D-I-V-O-R-C-E.
Back at the play, Adrianna surreptitiously walks down the aisles as that thievin' bitch Annie delivers her lines. It just so happens this is a kissy-kissy scene, which causes Harry to shift uncomfortably in his seat.
Back at Clark Compound, Naomi learns about the strife between her parents. Apparently, Crazy Eyes told Mr. Clark to choose between her taser pupils and Gail. When he wouldn't, she glared him all the way to Malibu. Naomi wonders what throwing out his stuff will do to patch up their marriage, and Crazy Eyes answers it's all about self-respect. She also asks Naomi to respect her, then seals that request with a laser beam gaze. Naomi realizes the game is over. If she would only lash out by developing an eating disorder (okay, maybe that's a moot point) or becoming a Scientologist... Spice it up, PermyLocks!
Back at the play, Harry leads the standing ovation that Brenda bought with her fists. Brenda and Annie bask in the audience's adoration. Moments later, Ty carries Annie out into the hall. They kiss, and he asks her if she's given more thought to the "after party." She gives him a yes by way of not saying no, and says she has to run off to say goodbye to her family. She obliviously passes Adrianna on the way there. Abduct her now, Adrianna! Now!
Annie runs into Dixon in the corridor. She asks for his wallet, but he says he doesn't have much money. Not a problem, she responds, because she actually needs the ratty old condom he's been saving for five years. Four years, he says, and wonders why she needs a condom. They go back and forth about her non-relationship with Ethan, but he eventually slips her the condom (super-obviously, by the way) and points out the intense awkwardness of the moment. They vow never to speak of it again. She skitters down the hall, running into Ethan, who brought her flowers (cue enforced "Awww!"). They, of course, collide as he tries to hand them to her, causing her to drop the condom. He picks up. And she is totally mortified!
We return to Annie's "Why me?!" moment (wah-wahhhh). She tries to make Ethan give her back the condom, but he holds onto and tells her not to sleep with Ty. He says Ty's a player. She points out the irony of this statement coming from a high school parking lot BJ receiver. He says she should wait for someone who cares for her. She says she tried that already and gives him a glare that totally says, "I'm lookin' at you, buddy!" Okay, I know this is high school, the land of overblown drama, but why does this non-relationship have such legendary status? Nothing even came close to happening. He stood her up for cheese fries, for God's sake! That's the most insulting blow-off possible, I think.
Elsewhere, Kelly backs Brenda up for kicking Adrianna out of the play. They discuss how they're adults now, and living in a whole different world. They realize they have to let these kids make mistakes sometimes -- just like they did. Can those mistakes involve floral tunics over plaid stirrup pants? I'm dying over here!
, we cut to the Roosevelt. Ty ogles the bathing beauties from the balcony of his private suite. He hears a knock. It's Adrianna, all sexed up in a red dress and doing the crackhead shimmy to ensnare him. She invites herself in and dopily showers him with compliments about his theatrical... um... assets. Then she lies that she saw Annie and Ethan making out. Can we save some time and skip ahead to when she lays one on him, and Annie walks in? Gasp! Gawp! Bawl!
Down at the pool, Silver and Dixon flirt some more. She acts generically blasé, and he accuses her of not caring about anything. She says she cared about not being blamed for the downfall of the show, and he revises his opinion, saying that she only pretends not to care. She interrupts his pontificating to kiss him. They head off, presumably to get a room of their own. Grrrrrowl!
Annie finally arrives. Before knocking on Ty's door, she pauses to prepare herself for hymen-breaking good times. Then she knocks, and who answers? Adrianna... in a towel... holding a half-drunk glass of champagne. An evil twinkle of glee flashes across her coal-black eyes as she invites Annie in. Annie is so baffled that she actually goes inside, and Adrianna begins a thinly veiled series of backhanded compliments about Annie's performance. Annie tries to diffuse the weirdness, but Adrianna takes it up a notch by telling Annie that Ty's in the shower "rinsing off." She laughs that he invited both of them to the room. Annie stumbles out upset. Adrianna walks into the bathroom, turns off the empty shower, and lets out a devilish cackle. Subterfuge!
Outside, Naomi comes onto the scene just as Ethan intercepts a shaken Annie. Commence TMI in 3-2-1: Annie lets out a stream out verbal diarrhea, revealing (twice!) to her crush and his girlfriend that she was about to give her V card to some wannabe Efron. She simpers, "This whole world that you guys live in might be fine for the two of you and all of your friends with all of their benefits, but it is definitely not fine with me," before clicking back down the Yellow Brick Road. Ethan, for his part, is pretty stunned. Naomi probably wonders if she shouldn't have advised Annie to go forth and be slutaceous.
Meanwhile, Dixon, Silver, and her purple leopard leggings are getting hot and heavy behind some topiaries. He reaches for the four-year-old condom only to remember that he gave it to his wannabe hobag of a sister. He carries on the Wilson word vomit tradition by spilling not only that the condom was terribly, terribly old but that he gave it to his sister. Silver sets the reality check in motion telling him that he is both creepy and presumptuous. He allays her irritation by pulling out the trusty "I like it when you're bossy" line again.
Back at Casa Wilson, Harry and Debbie underscore their Midwestern wholesomeness by playing some sort of board game. Annie arrives home and avoids the nightly recap by saying she's really tired. Harry tells her how proud of her he was tonight, but she's already whooshed out the door before he can even finish his sentence. Upstairs, she mopes into her room all Angela Chase-sans-plaid and collapses to the floor, weeping.
week: Annie puts Ty on ice as other relationships (Dixon/Silver, Ethan/Naomi, Matthews/BRENDA!) heat up. The claws peak out between Kelly and Brenda. And Adrianna appears to have bought her bangs back from the pawn shop just in time for a narcotics interrogation courtesy of PrinciPAL Harry.