| Season 1 | Episode 4
Previously on a show that was much cooler when its cast members were all 10+ years older than their characters and wore high-waisted, acid-washed, tapered jeans: The Wilson clan moved to LA and tried to suffuse the titular zip code with their love of family bowling nights while the currents of (gasp!) adultery and (gawp!) alcoholism roiled beneath the surface. Also, we laid the groundwork for some of the most boring couplings of our time -- Kelly Taylor/Ryan Matthews and Annie/Ty/Ethan/Naomi. Let's just hope this episode doesn't suck as much as the last one, kids, or we're in for a very... long... season.
Harry (a.k.a. the hunk of man meat formerly known as "Sgt. Chris Lorenzo") saunters into the breakfast nook to tell Annie that her drama teacher -- the one who overlooked her "Sun'll Come Out TOMORROW!" singing style and spastic dance moves to miscast her in the chorus of West Bev's production of Spring Awakening -- has abandoned her post as misguider of artistic mediocrity to attend to a family emergency.
Annie is upset. How else will she embarrass herself in front of hundreds of cruel, entitled teenagers who are already primed to hate her? But never fear, Lucille Bluth (hip-hip hooray for the return of Gangy!) offers her services. I hope she gives them tips on how to deliver an elegant full-frontal scene. Any aspiring actress needs to know how to avoid being initiated to onscreen nudity in the same way as Coco from Fame.
But I digress... Lucille is super-excited to go all Whore-ence Nightingale on the wounded theater, not to mention having something to do besides drink "iced tea" and write her "memoirs" all day. The rest of the clan musters up their Midwestern propriety while accepting Lucille's help. Lucille immediately starts reminiscing about the lessons she learned as a novice actor. Naturally, one of them involves breathing out your ass.
Over at Naomi's house, the Princess Fried is wearing a strapless minidress that looks like the love child of an old French Maid's uniform and a Hostess cupcake. They're inexplicably getting photos taken for their Christmas card (in September). Awkward tension and snipes from Naomi ensue. It's a lame scene, and even the photographer knows it. It's so lame that not even a slap bracelet rhythmic routine could save it.
Back at Casa Wilson, Dixon Carlton dances right on into the breakfast room. Lorenzo continues to chug along on the bad news train. Because Dixon is too lame to receive personalized bad news, Lorenzo tells him about the family's tight finances. Dixon gets distressed since his only friend is currently fresh out of the homeless shelter like Silver, but Lorenzo assures him everything will be fine.
| Season 1 | Episode 4
Later, at the Clark Compound, Naomi enters her parents' room under the pretense of asking about dinner but gives up the ruse as soon as she can talk shit about how her mom puts up with her husband's cheatin' ways. Scary Eyes tells her bitch of a daughter to butt out. Naomi leaves the room like she won some war of words, even though she patently didn't. I guess that's the message that was encrypted in her mom's laser beam-emitting pupils.
The morning over at West Bev, Kelly and Brenda sit in the cafeteria and chuckle about the good old days of "Donna Martin graduates!" Those really were the days -- the time for guts, guile and green denim jackets! They mention Donna's adorable baby, then drop the subject like a hot potato. Kelly then asks Brenda about her play, and blah, blah, blah, we all know she's going to end up stealing Lucille's thunder by the end of the episode, and I can't bear to think about it.
Brenda then asks Kelly about Matthews. Kelly offers a reserved assessment of "nice." She quips that Ryan was just a wee lad when Kurt Cobain died. For Kelly, who was furiously working on the "Men of CU" beefcake calendar at that time, that's Strike One. Brenda then switches gears to ask if "he" (Sammy's father) knows about Matthews. Kelly brushes it off. Oh that Brenda, always stirring up trouble... thing you know, she'll be wearing the same dress to Spring Formal! Oh wait... Anyway, Kelly basically tells Brenda to mind her own damn beeswax -- but in a really nice, P.C. way. Damn, I miss bitchy Kelly.
Outside, Naomi mopes around in some black-and-white, laced-up horror show she calls a dress. She starts unloading her bullshit problems on Ethan. The spineless wonder tries to put down a barricade in front of the Naomi's shit parade, but she continues practicing her bug-eyed sorcery on him.
In the parking lot, Dixon manages to break the rearview mirror of another car when he flings open the door of the crap wagon. He had the harebrained idea of fitting a family van into a compact space. You'd think Kansans would be better drivers since they don't have valet and all, but I guess not. Dixon guarantees to pay off the driver so he doesn't have to admit what he did to his parents. I'm sure that will go exactly as planned...
| Season 1 | Episode 4
Back inside, Matthews tracks down Kelly to invite her on a date. She says she won't be able to find a sitter, which inspires Matthews to ask about Sammy's dad. Kelly exposits that he's not in town because he's halfway across the world doing charity work. Score one point for the Brandon in the Baby Daddy file, since Mr. Walsh is supposedly in Belize.
Elsewhere, Ethan catches up with Annie. They converse about their respective relationships, or lack thereof, and Ethan asks Annie to meet him at the Peach Pit on Thursday. For a date. It's no private plane to San Francisco, but I guess Annie's still a simple girl at heart. She dorks out all over the place in excitement. I fear the future of that poor pentapus if these two make a go of it. Cue credits.
Moments later, Annie literally runs into Ty. He apologizes for bailing the other night and promises to make it up to her. In case you didn't see this one coming even through the L.A. smog, Ty's proposed make-up date is on Thursday. Annie says she has other plans, which Ty proceeds to try to crash, and she has to tell him that he's not welcome. Guess he'll just have to go see High School Musical on Ice all by his lonesome.
Outside, Naomi implores Silver not to "vlog" about Mr. Clark's free willy. Silver is reasonably wary about giving Naomi a pass. Naomi plays the empathy card, apologizing and saying that now she understands what Silver went through. Hindsight is 20/20, whore. Silver walks off, cold as ice. Naomi perfects her "embattled cherub with perm" facial expression. If this were the old , she'd unscrew her necklace and take a bump of coke. Actually, that's Cruel Intentions, but still... a vast improvement, no?
And, oh God, now we have to hear "Mama Who Bore Me (Reprise)" again. Why must The CW destroy the things that I love? Annie takes her gimp-hand out dancing, and Lucille looks on in much-deserved despair. She gives the girls a dressing-down, saying their privates need to be on fire. On fire! Then -- buckle your seat belts -- she demonstrates the aforementioned genital conflagration. And, oh friends, it's a swirling whirligig of Lucille Bluth-iness (with a little bit of Austero thrown in). I would stake my weight in doubloons that this will be the most wondrous moment this two-bit show ever sees. I love you, Gangy!
Instead of channeling crotch-flames, Annie channels the totally mortified girls in Seventeen magazines of yore and makes a beeline for Lorenzo. She begs him to replace Lucille. Lorenzo hesitates long enough for Lucille to bust up their conversation, demand a budgetary meeting, and point out a coffee stain on Lorenzo's tie. If Annie were smart, she'd shut her yap and let Lucille dig her own grave, but she gloats. Because she's dumb (and apparently only slightly less of hag thanthe actress who plays her). Lorenzo's still spinning from the double-breasted assault when Kelly approaches. He desperately asks her if she knows someone who could direct the musical. Why you don't say? She does! Jesus, that was predictable.
| Season 1 | Episode 4
Dixon seeks solace from his financial woes by applying for a job at the Peach Pit. Nat recalls hiring "a kid from West Beverly" back in the day; that kid, a.k.a. Brandon Walsh, was "a real good egg" and apparently the only person who ever worked at the Peach Pit beside Nat himself. I'll believe that Nat has never hired another high schooler when I can find a convincing reason why his once-gray hair is now chestnut brown.
Back at Stagedoor Manor, Lorenzo brings in Brenda to boot Lucille's ass out of the director's chair. She butters her up for a while, then Lorenzo suggests that Lucille might need an "assistant." Lucille sees through the ploy but continues to play along. Just what this production needs: two prima donnas directing the kids how to belt "Blah, blah, blah-blah, blah, blah, blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah-blah!" most effectively.
Annie and Silver stroll up to the Peach Pit gabbing about boys. Silver can't believe Annie turned down Ty's date invitation. Annie reveals that she's going out with Ethan instead. Silver discourages her, claiming that Ethan and Naomi are in some sort of "impenetrable bubble." I beg to differ on the issue of penetration, but, nonetheless... she's got a point about the staying power of these high school power couples. I mean, this isn't She's All That. OMG, if Annie ever walks down a staircase in a red dress, I will douse myself in a bucket of pig's blood.
So back to "the bubble," by which I mean Annie's bubble-headed sense of entitlement over Ethan and utter naïveté in believing she stands a chance against Naomi... Annie stands her ground, and Silver says she'll be buying Annie a box of tissues. I think she'd be better served picking up some Ace bandages. Forget the claws, don't act like it didn't cross your mind that Naomi's a biter. Dixon then comes up to serve them, but it's not worth mentioning because it's just more proof that Annie's an a-hole.
Back in Clarksville, Naomi whines that she doesn't like how she looks in the Christmas card. Two scenes later, the dumb ho goes all Cam Jansen and reverse dials her father's mistress. Seriously, why do we have to hear anything more about this idiotic non-drama? If she's not going to slap anyone around or get hooked on crank, I don't care.
Back at Casa Wilson, Dixon informs Lorenzo and Aunt Becky of his job. He claims he wants to cater to the expensive tastes of those Beverly Hills girls. He's forgetting, of course, that the stench of onion rings will be a prohibitive factor in hooking these broads in the first place. He adds that he wants a nicer car. Lorenzo agrees that the crap wagon is... well... a crap wagon. Lorenzo cautions Dixon not to let the job interfere with school or sports. Dixon promises it won't.
| Season 1 | Episode 4
The morning, Silver drives Dixon to school -- now we know who's the top in this relationship -- and quizzes him on biology. Dixon's general ignorance reveals he is not living up to his promises. He says he'll study after work, and Silver gives him a playful smack on the cheek. She's totally the Dom.
Naomi rings Ethan's doorbell. Stupidly, he answers, and she busts in before he can slam the door in her face. She offers to help him take care of his brother, so he lets her in. We learn that Ethan's brother has intense OCD. Since she knows a thing or two about being a control freak, Naomi tempts him with popcorn and a movie. I think her heinous red skinny-belt, short-shorts, black ankle booties and side ponytail are aiding the effort, too. Either way, mission accomplished. She escorts him off, and Ethan realizes, "Damn, I think I'm stuck with this crazy hag."
Back at the Theatre of the Absurd, opening night's just around the corner and they're still on the same song. It's like their CD player got stuck on repeat and they think that that one song is the whole show. Seriously, surely a show with nearly 20 songs would require time to rehearse other numbers -- particularly those that aren't just a reprise. May I suggest "Totally Fucked"? Somehow it seems apropos... Speaking of getting fucked, Annie dances her convulsive little heart out while Lucille barks criticisms at her. Brenda calls a break, and Annie stomps off.
Dixon wipes down tables at the Peach Pit as the parking lot guy comes by to collect his $500. Dixon is taken aback by the amount but still insists they shouldn't go the official route. He promises to get the money. Maybe he should moonlight as a purse thief like Adrianna!
Back at the rehearsal, Brenda plays Lucille a tape she made of rehearsal. She totally ignores the fact that Grandmommy Dearest was a raging bitch to Annie, and instead points out other cast members' mistakes. Lucille's one smart cookie, though, and recognition flickers in her boozy eyes.
Back at Ethan's house, Naomi continues hashing out her dad's affair. She has decided she can intimidate the home-wrecking slut enough to make her leave Mr. Clark to suffer through his midlife crisis in peace. She asks Ethan to be an accomplice, and, speaking of Doms and Subs, he acquiesces.
Because of this, he is a no-show for his date with Annie. Dixon suggests she call him, then says maybe he forgot, which is absolutely no consolation to Annie. At this very moment of shame, Ty enters and ensures that this contrived plot line really puts the screws to Annie, the two-timing hussy. She does the awkward double-wave and croaks a hello. He is pretty classy about the whole thing, and even gives Dixon a nice tip on his way out. Annie teeters dangerously on a Grey's Anatomy-style rant but thankfully is interrupted by a blow-off text from Ethan. I bet this whole scenario could have been avoided with a well-placed Blossom hat.
| Season 1 | Episode 4
Back at school, Matthews strums his guitar to help Brenda flesh out the musical's orchestration. She mentions that she can't babysit on Sunday, so he takes the opportunity to ask about Kelly's baby daddy. Brenda says she doesn't feel comfortable talking about Kelly's personal life... even though she just brought it up. He seems a little dubious about the whole situation, and she sticks with the story that there's a lot of history between Kelly and her sperminator.
Across town, Ethan and Naomi close in for the kill. She has abandoned the side pony, and she means business! Ethan offers to man the getaway car while she busts a cap in that slut's ass. Once she stomps in, Gail needs no introduction. Gail tries to talk it out, but Naomi tells her to get lost. Eventually, Naomi spots a box that has Gail's name and the Clark family's beach house address -- the one that Mr. Clark claimed to be letting a "friend" use. Whoops!
We're back at the Peach Pit for the gazillionth time, and I have yet to see a single cheese fry. What's that about? Dixon and Silver chat about their alienation from Beverly Hills society -- she with the anti-materialism and he with the high levels of melanin in his skin. He stays on message that the Wilsons are his family and that skin color doesn't matter, though he does concede to sometimes feeling like he doesn't fit in.
Silver isn't going to touch that one with a 10-foot pole, so she changes the subject to ask him when he's going to ask her for a date. Dixon pretends for a hot second that he might not want to ask her out, but it's obvious that he's interested. It really is a shame that Dixon is such a lame character because Tristan Wilds is probably the most charismatic actor on the show (besides Gangy, of course). Alas...
Annie heads back to Casa Wilson with her tail between her legs. She and Lucille discuss how Lucille has decided to let Brenda direct the play. Lucille does Annie a solid by telling her she's very talented... or brazenly lies to her. Depending on how firm a grasp one has on reality. Lucille's is loosened by a diet of Long Island Iced Tea and self-aggrandizement, so you can hardly blame her.
Back at the Clark Compound, Naomi stirs up some more shit by telling her mother about visiting Gail and discovering that she's shacking up in the family beach house. Mrs. Bug Eyes seems genuinely distraught.
The morning at school, Dixon comes in late as Matthews hands out packets. A droopy-eyed Dixon tells Silver he was up late studying for bio. Unfortunately for him, that test is tomorrow, and Matthews' test is today. Matthews takes note of Dixon's disoriented appearance.
| Season 1 | Episode 4
Ethan finds Annie in the hall and apologizes for standing her up. She puts on a brave face and says that it was no big deal -- since it wasn't a date or anything. Then she hawk eyes Ty and makes tracks, leaving Ethan grimacing. She trots up to Ty and asks him to get tickets to a show, but he gives her a dose of her own medicine saying he has tickets -- and is going with someone else. Suck on that!
Class is out, and Kelly tells Matthews that she can't find a sitter. He's stressed over the "unfinished business" between Kelly and her ex. He goes all sensitive guy on her, saying that she should be able to tell him anything, then lets it slip that he talked to Brenda about her. Kelly gets pissed and walks out in a huff.
Shortly thereafter, she locates Brenda for a parking lot showdown. Brenda accuses Kelly of still harboring feelings for her son's father... who is (drum roll)... Dylan! Brenda thinks Kelly will never be happy with anyone else because she's still got it bad for those mellifluous sideburns. Personally, I'm disappointed. Not only because they gave this shit away in last week's preview, but also because I loves me some Jason Priestley. I mean, he was in Sister Kate and Die Mommie Die! Also? JP doesn't think he's too big in his britches to return to this show -- unlike some people.
That night, Lorenzo stops by the Peach Pit to harp on Dixon about the test today. Dixon promises to cut back his shift week. Lorenzo's ears perk up, and he asks what's so important about week. Dixon mumbles about his door-to-mirror collision. Well that was a waste of effort. Lorenzo wonders why Dixon didn't tell him, and Dixon said he was concerned about his family's money problems. They compromise -- Lorenzo will pay for the repairs now, and Dixon will pay him back in time. Danny Tanner couldn't have done it better himself.
And we're forced to endure yet another scene with Naomi. She's watching an old video of herself and Ethan at the zoo. Like she ever goes near live animals. She's totally that woman who runs through the woods clacking sticks together. Anyhow, they have stupid hippo hats on and cotton candy in their gullets, and they're cuddling each other. The sight of it brings a big smile to her face.
The morning, Dixon hands over the money for the car repairs. His hard work is rewarded as the kid offers him a courtside seat at the Lakers' game. Silver -- who is being a real nonconformist in hot pink short-shorts (pshaw) -- marvels at the diplomacy between the two. Dixon proselytizes about life being too short to hold grudges. This strikes a chord with Silver, who has yet to decide whether she should create a scathing "vlog" about Naomi's family drama. In light of that, she goes to tell Naomi that she won't post anything. And thus a transitory peace not unlike the Camp David Accords wafts through the halls of West Bev... for now.
| Season 1 | Episode 4
And then, oh dear, cover your eyes, Annie scampers up to Ty with a homemade batch of Snickerdoodles. She tries to get him to "taste her Snickerdoodles," but he rebuffs her. Failing the enticement of home baked goods, she drops the Betty Crocker act and plants a big, wet kiss on him. He agrees to give her another chance on the basis that she's "adorable," but methinks he realizes that she'll put out if he strategically gives her the cold shoulder enough. They seal their second time around with a kiss.
Ethan heads out to the parking lot, where he finds Naomi in her hippo hat. She says she can't always get what she wants, especially in regards to her parents. But she seems dead set on getting what she wants re: Ethan because she tests the waters as to whether they can start over. The appeal of the hippo hat is just too damn strong, so he agrees to take it day by day. Here, too, I suspect the prospect of regular sex is a strong consideration. They, too, seal their second time around with a kiss.
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