In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Lucy keeps making excuses for why she doesn't want to go house-hunting until Kevin resigns himself to spending the rest of his life in the CamPound. So, of course, Lucy secretly purchases the house door, which may be a pile of crap, but it's a pile of crap close to her Mommy and Daddy, so it's perfect. Simon comes home with his new girlfriend Rose, who's a snotty hateful bitch to Annie, which is great. Then she forces Simon to propose to her, which is stupid. The Martin/Vincent/Ruthie love triangle continues to be excruciating to watch. After much discussion and many misunderstandings, Vincent dumps Ruthie, who gets a consoling hug from a little-too-excited Martin. It's a very awkward moment. RevCam finally breaks it to Annie, after lying to her all episode, that Mary is getting a divorce and "abandoning" her child, and Annie's face melts in sadness. Before you feel too sorry for her, she also says that two of her kids are the most selfish and irresponsible people in the entire world, even worse than the Orphan Children's mother, who won't let Asslee's parents adopt her kids. As the episode draws to a close, though, she changes her mind and lets them be their foster parents for the all-important happy ending. In that vein, Martin's dad comes home from wherever he was for the last two years. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
I'd like to start this recap off by thanking one Miss Rebecca, who Fed-Exed me a copy of this episode when my parents' VCR recorded an hour of static which, while more interesting and better-written than the show it was supposed to record, would probably not have been an acceptable recap. Thank you, Rebecca! I'm so grateful that I won't reveal your full name, thus sparing you from the potential embarrassment of someone recognizing it and knowing that you tape 7th Heaven.
Vincent meets Martin in the backyard. Vincent tells him about how their silly plan didn't work. Now Ruthie is more into Vincent than ever, and she thinks that Martin likes her. Like likes her. More clumsy exposition follows in which the details of Vincent's silly plan to get Ruthie to dump him last episode are revealed, and then Martin says that he's washing his hands of the whole sordid affair, as he is "not a Camden," and so he can't lie for a good cause like they can. He is, however, very good at being a self-righteous little prick, so it seems to me that he's at least ninety percent Camden.
Weird Rose comes to Simon's apartment, even though, as Simon points out, she just left. I guess she can't get enough non-sex! In fact, she wants to meet Simon's parents, and she wants to him to meet hers, who, of course, live in Glenoak. Crawford Clown College must be really suffering these days, as all the students from its Glenoak feeder schools have apparently decided to attend an art school that is either way up in Northern California or the town over, depending on how close it needs to be for storyline purposes. Simon asks Rose if she's "sure" she wants to meet his family, who he says is "overwhelming and nosy." Rose interrupts him before he can list any additional horrible CamTraits, which is a real shame because I'm pretty sure Simon could have kept going for the rest of this episode, and that would have made my job much easier. Not to mention it would create a more realistic and better-written show than this series has ever produced. Simon and Rose decide to travel back to Glenoak, and seal the deal with a kiss.
No expense was spared for the Season Finale Edition of the Opening Credits Timewaster. It consists of RevCam pacing around the Church Office. That's it. At one point, he changes it up by looking at his watch, but I think that was more of Stephen Collins wondering when the hell his summer vacation is starting so he can get to work on his newest "erotic thriller" than it is a stage direction. Finally, Greta the CPS lady enters, as per my wishes last week. She's there to exposit the whole Asslee's parents adoption deal and to talk about those horrid foster children and their awesome crackhead mom, who has a habit of refusing to relinquish her parental rights when someone tries to adopt her kids, which someone could have told poor George before he got all excited about his new family. Greta says that the Davis mom might even try to interfere with George and Gwen's foster parent bid by asking for custody back. Whatever she does, I hope it involves blowing smoke in RevCam's face again.
Annie makes a phone call. Matt's answering machine picks up after one ring and doesn't have any outgoing message. Not very realistic, but since it means I don't have to hear PC's raspy voice, I appreciate it. Anyway, Annie wants to know what's going on with Mary and Carlos, as she's having "one of those Mother Feelings" that something is wrong. I never want to hear Annie discuss her "Mother Feelings" with Matt ever again.
Kevin still doesn't know how to pronounce "realtor" as he tells Lucy that their real-i-tor has some properties to show them tomorrow. Lucy protests that tomorrow is Sunday, the Sabbath, and she has a problem with doing things on Sunday, like looking at houses or using scissors or anything else that might cut that umbilical cord keeping her attached to Annie. Kevin says that Lucy has had a problem with every single house they've looked at, and he doesn't think they'll ever move. Lucy says she just wants their new house to be perfect, and if it takes a while to find the perfect house, then that's okay. But she really does want to move. They only have this conversation twice EVERY EPISODE so it's not too tiresome. Kevin wonders how long the house-hunting process will take. "It takes as long as it takes," says Lucy. "What does that mean?" asks Kevin. "It means what it means," Lucy answers. Off-screen, Savannah cries because she hates it when people are unnecessarily vague.
Ruthie comes to the Treehouse to talk to Martin. Their discussion goes in annoying circles, because Ruthie thinks that Martin likes her while Martin thinks that Vincent told Ruthie the truth about wanting to dump her. It is pretty funny to hear Ruthie say that she doesn't want to be the reason why Martin dumps Zoe and she's sorry she has to reject him and hopes he's not too crushed by her rejection. She doesn't even notice his disgusted expression at the prospect of being with her. She packs a lot of self-esteem into that little body of hers.
RevCam and Greta talk to George and Gwen, who is actually present. I'm a little disappointed; I was hoping Gwen wouldn't be in this episode either, and her conspicuous absence would be explained with more excuses about her sick mother or going to London for job training. Greta the Eternal Optimist asks the Smiths if they really want to go through with trying to adopt the Davis children now that they'll have to endure lots of legal crap to do it. George and Gwen tell RevCam and Greta all about how they originally only intended on being foster parents to one child, but then RevCam totally screwed them over and saddled them with pre-adopting three kids whose mother is an angry crackhead. Greta uncharacteristically smiles as they recount their tale of woe and betrayal, because she takes pleasure in the misfortunes of others. The Smiths continue that now that they've met the Davis children, they can't imagine their lives without them, which is supposed to be touching or whatever, but I think they're really saying that they've lost their innocence and can never go back to a time where they were blissfully unaware of annoying children with big, bright eyes and hearts full of hope and courage despite their unfortunate circumstances. The Smiths say that they'll fight as hard as they have to for the Davis children. "What's ?" Gwen asks. Greta says that when she has a "problem" in family court, she likes to go "right to the top." Then she looks at RevCam, because in this town, he IS the top. Just ask Capt. "Do My Bidding and You'll Get Another Promotion" Michaels.
Annie stands in her dark kitchen. She's looking at the stairs and trying to figure out how hard she'll have to throw herself down them to break her neck and finally enter the welcome embrace of death, sweet death, when there's a knock at the back door. Annie turns on the lights and opens it to reveal Simon and Weird Rose. She squeals in delight and hugs him, and, once he extricates himself, he introduces Rose. Annie grimaces that it is a "pleasure" to meet Simon's new girlfriend. Rose says that they're in town to meet each other's parents, but hers are conveniently away this weekend. Her dad has a "business conference," and her mother went with him, being the only person on this earth who finds business conferences interesting enough to attend voluntarily. Simon asks if they can stay at the CamPound for the night, and Annie says sure -- as long as they're in separate rooms, of course. Rose can hardly believe this, saying that her parents never have a problem with her sharing a bedroom with her boyfriend. "How nice for them," says Annie. She says that Rose can stay in Ruthie's room. How nice of Annie to ask Ruthie about sharing a room with a complete stranger before making such an offer. Rose says she's "not used" to sharing a room with someone. "Except your boyfriends," Annie mutters. I hate Annie and all, but I'm kind of forced to side with her here, as Rose has been made into such an unbelievably rude caricature that even the Camdens seem hospitable and polite in comparison. Annie adds that Rose will be sharing a bathroom with six other people, plus "the baby," who only uses the bathroom when Annie's trying to drown her in the bathtub. Rose is horrified, and says that surely a house this size has a guest room or at least another bathroom. Rose needs to stop paying attention to logic and practicality. Annie reacts to this by pulling half her mouth down. Catherine Hicks does things with her face that I didn't think were anatomically possible.
Rose pulls Simon about a foot away from their position to talk to him privately. As Annie cranes her neck to eavesdrop on their conversation, Rose suggests that they spend the night in her parents' huge unoccupied house. Simon says he doesn't trust her not to jump him in the middle of the night and force him to have sex with her. Rose giggles and they start to kiss, because rape is funny and hot. "Hello! I'm still in the room!" Annie says, like she suddenly has a problem with watching her children make out. They pull themselves off of each other and Rose says she'd be happy to stay on a couch. Even Rose knows not to spend a night in Ruthie's room if she doesn't have to. Simon rushes off to make up the couch for Rose, leaving the two insane women in his life alone together. Rose tells Annie that the CamPound is "cute" and says she's seen some decorating shows and has always been surprised at how little money the budget-conscious need to decorate their ridiculously huge mansions.
The morning, Annie gets ready for church by telling RevCam how much she hates thy neighbor, thy neighbor being Rose. "She's condescending and rude and I think she's trying to push Simon into a serious relationship," Annie explains. It is said that we often hate those in whom we see ourselves. RevCam is confused; he thought they wanted Simon to be in a serious relationship. Annie explains that while they don't want Simon to have casual sex, they also don't want him to be in a serious relationship that will lead to marriage. So what, exactly, do they want Simon to do? He can't have sex until marriage, but he can't get married, either. Nor can he any relationships with women, serious or casual. And he probably can't be gay or masturbate. He's doomed to a lifetime of eunuchdom, it seems. RevCam asks Annie what makes her think that Simon and Rose are going to get married. "Trust me," says Annie; "a mother knows." She has Mother Feelings. RevCam timidly suggests that Annie is overreacting, then braces himself for her wrath. "NO!" she shouts. RevCam says that he doesn't like Rose either, "based on the five-minute conversation [he] had with her while she was using [their] bathroom." Well, that's not fair. I hardly think that one is at her best when she's doing something in the bathroom that takes five minutes, which is too short for a shower and too long for a pee. It was probably a strained conversation, to say the least. Also, and probably more importantly…is RevCam saying he was IN the bathroom with her? Is this how the CamPound residents deal with their glut of people and lack of bathrooms, by all using it at the same time? Are RevCam and Kevin crossing their streams while Ruthie brushes her teeth and Lucy splashes in the tub? I hope the time Greta visits, she can bear witness to this so that Ruthie, SamVid, and Savannah can be taken away to one of those group homes, which, evil as they are, probably have adequate bathroom coverage.
RevCam says that there's no way Simon wants to get married, as he believes that the only reason his siblings got married was to have sex (correct!) and he thinks they made a mistake (correct!), and since he's already having sex, there's no reason for him to get married at all (whaaaaa?). "You know, before I met Rose, I couldn't think of one good reason for Simon to have premarital sex," Annie says. And just when I thought there wasn't anything she could say that would make me hate her more, she continues with: "Where did we go wrong? How did two very responsible people raise two of the most irresponsible and selfish people in the world?" It might have something to do with having "responsible" parents who think that their own children are the most irresponsible and selfish people in a world filled with murderers and rapists and completely insane women named Annie, but I'm no child psychologist. Instead of sticking up for his children, RevCam just says that Simon and Mary are old enough that their parents are no longer responsible for their "mistakes." Annie says she needs to get on a plane and fly to London right away to "straighten out Mary." Meanwhile, she can't be bothered to walk down the hall and check on SamVid.
Annie says that Carlos's phone is disconnected and Matt won't call her back. Instead of getting the hint that no one likes her, she takes that to mean that something is going on. And she thinks RevCam knows what it is. SamVid enter the room, suited and ready for church, showing that they, unlike their father, can actually tie a Windsor knot in less than ten minutes, as RevCam has been struggling with his FOR THIS ENTIRE SCENE. SamVid announce that they're getting a ride to church with Lucy and Kevin, and leave. RevCam asks Annie if SamVid are still angry at her. Annie says that when she isn't raising an "irresponsible womanizer" and a woman who abandons her family, she's "kicking whatever children [she has] left out in the street." Or into an unfinished garage apartment with no food, heat, or running water. "I'll have a talk with them," RevCam offers. And in this talk, he'll probably say something about how SamVid are absolutely right about Annie, but they need to conceal their disgust for and hatred of her until such time as they can leave the house forever. They're the lucky ones, RevCam will explain, because unlike their father, they can escape. He only asks that they send him a postcard from time to time and provide him with a glimpse into their lives of glorious, glorious freedom.
With the twins out of the room, Annie asks RevCam about Mary and Carlos again, at which point the always unwelcome Lucy walks in and interrupts. "Do you still need my help at church today?" she asks RevCam, her voice brimming with hope that she is Needed and Important. RevCam says he does, probably, he guesses, whatever. "You can count on me!" Lucy says as she mentally visualizes her place on the Favorite Child Hierarchy Tree. Surely she is at the top by now! RevCam asks Lucy how the house-hunting is going as Annie exaggeratedly rolls her eyes and slumps her shoulders, so uninterested is she in the affairs of the detestable Lucy, who isn't even ON Annie's mental Favorite Child Hierarchy Tree because she's so insignificant and dull.
Lucy says the house-hunting is going fine and leaves the room. RevCam starts to talk about how they'll never get rid of Lucy, but Annie yells at him to stop changing the subject away from Mary and Carlos. Kevin walks in and offers to give Simon and Rose a ride to church, like that's even worth mentioning, let alone interrupting someone's conversation for. It is funny to watch Annie's Clownface of Angry Exasperation get more and more ridiculous, though. RevCam takes the opportunity to run out of the room. Annie shoots Kevin an angry look. "What?" asks Kevin. He must be under the impression that when two people are having an important conversation they don't want interrupted, they do something sensible like close their door.
Vincent walks right on into the Treehouse, where Martin is tying his tie. I know they're considered tacky, but I really think these people would benefit from clip-on ties. Not having to deal with the complexities of the Windsor knot would probably cut their morning church-preparation time by hours or even days. Martin and Vincent bicker about Ruthie and whether or not Vincent should tell her the truth. Martin wants him to, because he doesn't appreciate being rejected by someone who he never liked in the first place. And if Vincent doesn't tell her, Martin will. Vincent says he can't dump Ruthie again because she made such a scene the last time. "It was ugly," Vincent says, apparently confusing Ruthie with one of the other women in her family. Martin says that this isn't about Vincent caring about not hurting Ruthie, he just doesn't have "the guts to live with the consequences of [his] actions," because that's how teenagers speak. Vincent promises that he'll break up with Ruthie today.
Vincent finds Ruthie sitting by herself in the backyard, as today's active teenagers are wont to do. Ruthie asks him why he looks upset; did Martin say something to him? Vincent says he's skipping church today and he'll call Ruthie later, because they need to talk.
Annie chases RevCam out of the house and begs him to tell her what is going on with Mary, as long as the news is good. Annie says she doesn't have hope for Mary anymore, and she can "feel it, like a bad storm coming," that something is wrong. The divorce barometer is dropping, and a high pressure sin system is moving down from the north. The soul forecast is partly cloudy morals with chance of child abandonment. RevCam starts to say that Mary is in Chicago now. Mother Feeling Meteorologist Annie hears this and assumes that Carlos's phone is disconnected because he moved to Chicago to be with Mary, and they're back together and everything is perfect. "This is GREAT NEWS! This is FANTASTIC NEWS!" she screams. RevCam decides that it's best not to derail the insanity train, and lets Annie go on believing the lie. There's a bad storm comin', by golly.
Sometime later, an angry Ruthie enters the Treehouse. Martin asks if she talked to Vincent. "Oh yeah," Ruthie says. And yet again, they talk at cross-purposes because Martin thinks Vincent dumped Ruthie, and Ruthie thinks that Martin yelled at Vincent and upset him so much that he skipped church and now refuses to see her. She demands that Martin apologize to Vincent for whatever he said. Fed up, Martin tells Ruthie all about how Vincent wanted to dump her and how Martin is not interested in her at all. Ruthie takes a step back to express shock. Martin says he's sorry that he had to be the one to hurt Ruthie, which was what Vincent wanted all along. Ruthie runs out of the Treehouse, but she's wearing clunky platform shoes that don't lend themselves to making quick and dramatic exits, so she's on the verge of falling over with every loud-ass step. The Clarinet of Broken Hearts struggles to be heard over the cacophony.
Meanwhile, over at the Promenade, Greta and RevCam are having coffee with the only family court judge in town, and telling her how important it is that she terminate the Davis mother's parental rights. I'm pretty sure that this conversation is really illegal, especially if RevCam is taking care of the thousand-dollar coffee tab. Hopefully, those weird coffee-money-beggin' boys are hiding behind the bushes, just waiting for a chance to get back at stingy RevCam, and will report back to the Davis mother's lawyer, and then everyone can get thrown in jail for this. The judge says that she can't promise anything, but if the Davis kids say that they would rather live with the Smiths than their mother, it would "weigh very heavily" in her final decision. That, and twenty percent of the collection plate earnings for the rest of the year. She takes her leave, saying she's "sure [they'll] be in touch." Greta says she'll collect the kids and RevCam volunteers to get the Smiths. They synchronize Swatches and say they'll all meet back at the church to discuss the information they illegally obtained from the judge. "This is gonna work, isn't it?" RevCam asks. "Maybe," says Greta, which is as close as she ever comes to being positive about anything.
Lucy and Annie do the dishes and talk about Mary and Carlos. Lucy doesn't believe that they're back together. Beverley Mitchell doesn't believe that Jessica Biel left this stupid show three years ago and is STILL getting better storylines than she is. Annie absolutely refuses to believe Mary and Carlos are not back together, and yells at Lucy for thinking differently. Lucy says she's going to call Mary and see what's going on, even though no one actually has Mary's phone number. Annie decrees that no one is allowed to talk to Mary or Carlos, to give them the space they need to fix their marriage. "Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone you love is to stay out of their business," says Annie. She'd better give that kettle a good scrubbing. It seems to be very, very black.
Rose breezes into the kitchen and asks what's for lunch because she is starving. "Sandwiches," says Annie, "maybe you'd like to help us?" Rose says it's "sweet" of Annie to make her guests get their own damn food, but she's not in the mood. Also, she doesn't like sandwiches, so she wants soup for lunch instead. How do you not like all sandwiches? I can understand not liking some sandwiches, like maybe you don't like ham or wheat bread, but you can't just have a blanket dislike of all sandwiches! As Rose leaves the kitchen, Lucy says that she doesn't like her. She says that Kevin is currently talking to Simon, because, while she's willing to stay out of Mary's affairs, Simon is "another story," since his portrayer is actually ON the show.
Kevin stands over Simon, arms crossed. He's using the interrogation methods he read about in his Glenoak Police Department Handbook to figure out what Simon's intentions are towards Rose. Sadly, the Glenoak Police Department Handbook doesn't say that when discussing STDs, it might be wise to actually say what the STD is, so it remains a MysterSTD. Simon says that he isn't having sex with Rose, and Kevin laughs at him. Simon says he's telling the truth. Kevin says that this makes him "more worried," because now he thinks that Simon and Rose are really serious with each other. Simon says they aren't getting married. Kevin asks if Rose feels the same way.
Simon runs outside and finds Rose in the backyard. She asks if they can go out to lunch. Simon says that his family thinks they're getting married. Rose is fine with that; didn't they talk about getting married just last episode? Simon says they talked, but he doesn't have any intention of marrying anyone right now. Rose makes a sad face. "Rose, we just met," Simon says; "I like you, I might even love you. But…marriage?" Rose walks away angrily, because it's really mean when a guy who doesn't even love you says he's not too thrilled with the idea of being with you for the rest of his life.
Simon enters the kitchen and announces to Kevin, Annie, and Lucy that he and Rose are not getting married. "I don't even know if we're dating anymore," he adds. They look sad about this because they're hypocrites.
Oh, crap. The Davis children are back. RevCam, Greta, George, and Gwen take turns explaining to them the situation with their mother. Li'l Non-Orphan Danny, his voice thick with Valium, flatly wonders why their mother wants custody of them now. Meredith looks down at her weird Little House on the Prairie shirt and frowns, because it's ugly, but you take what you can get at the Group Home. Kelly, of course, is still suffering from some serious nasal congestion and a lack of bipedal mobility. Greta explains that their mother was hoping that no one would want to adopt her kids, which isn't such a far-fetched thing to hope for to me, so that they would still be her kids, but she wouldn't have to actually take care of them. Kind of like Annie what does with the twins, except that Annie is the best mother ever and the Davis mom is EVIL. Greta says that if they want, they can go to court and try to terminate their mother's parental rights. "Court?" asks LND. "You mean, like a judge?" says Meredith. No, like a fucking tennis court. I hate these people and I'm sick of watching them, so I'll make the rest of this quick: they refuse to testify against their mother and everyone is all surprised that there are people in the world who don't enjoy talking shit about their family members.
Lucy invites Kevin to join her on a house-hunting expedition. He says it's Sunday, and he thought Lucy didn't house-hunt on the Sabbath. Hey, Kevin: Don't look a gift pumpkin in the mouth, okay? Lucy says that her love of God is not so powerful that she can't go against her interpretation of his will when it's convenient. Kevin refuses to accompany Lucy because he thinks it's a waste of time. Lucy says she is totally committed finding a house and her marriage is important to her and stuff. "Talk is cheap," Kevin snarls. And judging by the quality of the dialogue on this show, I'd agree. They can't be paying these writers any more than ten dollars a week.
Vincent and his doofy-looking tucked-in t-shirt meet Ruthie on the Promenade. "Say it isn't so!" is her dramarrific greeting. Vincent says it is so; he's going to Hawaii this summer and he wants to meet some hot babes. But he's relieved that Ruthie is taking it so well this time, what with the lack of tears and yelling. Ruthie explains that that doesn't mean she isn't sad, just that someone finally wised up and saw that she couldn't pull off such emotion, so they stopped trying to write it in for her. "Goodbye Vincent. Have fun in Hawaii," she says. "Oh, and…never call me again. Ever." Yeah, nice effort trying to give him the hand there, Ruthie, but your ass got DUMPED! The scene ends before we can see Vincent's awesome retort: "In Hawaiian, 'aloha' means 'hello'…and 'GOODBYE!'"
Kevin explains to the twins that Annie isn't the reason all their siblings keep leaving the house. Well, she is, because she's so freaking horrible that no one with a choice would live anywhere near her, but she's not actively trying to make people leave. And, says Kevin, as the twins grow, they'll be in the house less and less too. He says they'll go to school and college and "meet a nice girl," who will presumably be kinky enough to enjoy dating two brothers at the same time, and leave home. Until then, Lucy and Kevin will make sure they have a room in their new house just for the twins when they visit. "I love you," SamVid say. "And Lucy and I and Savannah love you," says Kevin. Hey, don't speak for Savannah! I prefer to believe that she hates everyone in this house, and has had many a late-night strategy session with Happy to figure out how to get the hell out of it. Kevin asks SamVid who else loves them. "Mom?" they guess, after having to think about it for a while. "Yeah. Mom," says Kevin. Happy growls angrily, because she's awesome.
Meredith gets some alone time with RevCam, which I suspect she's only too happy to take advantage of. She explains to him that she and her siblings can't stand up in court and say bad things about their own mother, especially if she's there to see it. Even though she's a crappy mom and it means they'll never get the parents they feel they so richly deserve, they can't publicly say bad things about her because she is their mother. Plus, it would upset her and she'd go back to drugs. Then Meredith runs up and gives RevCam a big hug. That's the real statement about foster children that this show has been trying to make all season right there: my heart breaks for these kids who are so starved for love and affection that they'll hug the creepy minister who has spent the last year giving them false hope and tearing down their dreams.
Simon finds Rose on the Promenade and says he's been "looking all over" for her, which doesn't make any sense when you consider that this show only has, like, three sets and it's not like Rose was going to be in the CamPound or at the church. Rose says she doesn't want to talk to Simon ever again. "I think I love you," Simon David Cassidys. Rose asks him what he wants from her, because in her bizarre world, you either casually date someone and have sex with them, or you're abstinent and engaged. There's no middle ground. Simon assures Rose that she's different from all the other girls, and they kiss. Then Rose asks Simon if he'll marry her. So…all those scenes and all that talking, and we're right back to where we started with those two. Great.
Ruthie walks into the Treehouse and apologizes to Martin for what she said to him earlier. Martin graciously forgives her. Ruthie says she's really embarrassed about the whole thing, as well she should be. But still, she's glad that she knows "the truth" about Vincent, even if it was painful to find out. Martin and Ruthie hug, and the guitar strums a merry tune of consolation. But then Piano of Priapism plays a few notes as Ruthie makes an "uhhh…what's that?" face and Martin makes an "oh, no…" expression and pushes her away. And then he grabs a notebook off the table and totally puts it over his crotch. It's pretty much unmistakable what just happened there. I'm glad the writers are finally taking a stab, so to speak, at making their adolescents realistic, but I wish their stab didn't make me want to stab my eyeballs out.
Annie and the twins make up and wrap up that non-storyline. SamVid ask if they can go to the airport to pick up Martin's dad. "Oh yes. We're all going to the airport to pick up Martin's dad," Annie says, sounding really pissed off as she packs item after item into her pocketbook. Chill, Annie. How much stuff do you need to pick up a guy's dad at the airport? There's some talk about having a home wherever you have family, unless that family is in, say, Chicago, and then Kevin wanders in looking for Lucy. He's shocked to see that she isn't attached at the hip to her mother. His cell phone rings. It's Lucy, and she wants him to meet her in the backyard.
Kevin goes outside and calls for his wife. She pops up over the fence and says she found the perfect home. Kevin says that house is "a mess." Lucy agrees that it's a fixer-upper and is totally not what they want or need at all, but it's close to Mommy and Daddy, so they're buying it. In fact, she already put in an offer and the owner accepted it. On a Sunday night. I guess those real-i-tors keep the same hours as Vincent's car insurance agents. Kevin says Lucy needs to get over that fence so he can kiss her. He attempts to smile. Lucy says the first thing they're doing when they get the house is buying a gate that connects them to the CamYard. Sigh.
The doorbell rings. RevCam answers it to find George, Gwen, Meredith, and Danny. Kelly is conspicuously absent, which saves the Camdens from having to leave her out on the front lawn because their house isn't wheelchair accessible. The group has some good news: they've decided to "slow things down," and the kids are moving in with the Smiths tonight. "That doesn't sound like slowing things down," RevCam points out. The Smiths say that they're still going to be foster parents, but they're just not going to rush into adopting, which the Davis mother is fine with. You'll notice that RevCam had nothing to do with this solution, and that it came about completely in his absence. Everyone's happy, except for Kelly, who is probably going to just stay in her little group home despite the Smiths' claim that they're just on their way to pick her up.
As RevCam and Annie celebrate the Smiths' good news, Lucy and Kevin walk in and announce that they're getting the hell out of the CamPound and moving all of three feet to the house behind the CamPound. "That dump?" asks RevCam. That's not a very nice thing to say about the Treehouse. I mean, it's true, but Annie did build it, and she's standing right there. Kevin and Lucy walk off, and Annie says that Lord does indeed work in mysterious ways. RevCam and Annie touch foreheads in celebration, and then RevCam remembers that he has to tell Annie the truth about Mary and Carlos.
They walk two feet into the CamDen, as the CamFoyer is apparently not a good place to break bad news, and RevCam stammers out that Mary and Carlos are getting divorced and Carlos is going to Puerto Rico with Charlie. "Why did you lie?" Annie asks him. "Because you're FUCKING INSANE!" RevCam responds. Also, he didn't want to make her feel bad and because saying what happened out loud would make it more real to him. Annie's face melts as she thinks about how her daughter "abandoned" her child, because giving custody to a parent who is home all the time when you're always jetting off for work is evil and selfish now. RevCam throws Annie's little "that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger" quote back in her face, and then Simon and Rose stroll in to announce that they're pre-engaged. Rose asks if she can call Annie and RevCam "Mom" and "Dad" now, and gives them a big hug. Ha ha ha! Simon and Rose get all of five feet away from the CamRents before the talking behind their backs begins: "I'm losing a son-in-law whom I love and adore and I'm getting…Rose?" says Annie. "That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger," RevCam repeats, because Stephen Collins has given up on his written lines at this point and has decided to just say the same thing over and over again.
Simon and Rose make out at the airport while the rest of the family stare at them and talk about their sex lives. Annie thinks that their pre-engagement is an excuse for them to have premarital sex. I thought she wanted Simon to have premarital sex with Rose. Army people start to get off the plane, and their families greet them. Lucy takes this inopportune time to crap on everyone's happiness by saying that telling RevCam and Annie that she's really sorry about Mary and Carlos getting divorced. RevCam and Annie ignore her.
Finally, Martin's dad comes out of the gate, and it seems that Costas Mandylor still doesn't have anything better to do. Martin and Dad hug tightly, and this would not be a good place for the Piano of Priapism to make a reappearance. Meanwhile, Lucy keeps talking about what they're going to do about Mary until Annie finally tells her to shut it so they can enjoy Martin and his dad's Moment.
When Martin and Dad are through hugging, Dad notices that the entire CamFam is here to welcome him. He doesn't look very happy about it. Martin says that the Camden family is now their family. SoldierDad shakes hands with everyone. The twins give him a zombie stare. The Soprano Saxophone of How Quickly Can I Go Back To Iraq? plays us out. See you all in the fall for Season XX! I can't bring myself to actually write the number. Double digits, people. This show has gone into double-digit seasons.