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RevCam tricks someone into adopting a child, which is starting to become an annual event. This year's victim is Asslee's dopey Dad (Asslee does not appear in this episode, THANK GOD), whose first foster-parent-with-the-intention-to-adopt assignment is a family of four, one of which is handicapped and all of which are annoying and lame. Way to set a guy up for failure, RevCam. Just as his eyes are filling with tears of self-satisfaction, CPS worker Greta (who does not appear in this episode, GODDAMN IT) calls to say that there are some "complications" and the AssRents might not get their foster children after all. Matt gives RevCam a call too, to tell him that he just heard from Carlos, and he and Mary are getting divorced and Carlos is taking the baby with him to Puerto Rico. Adios, la familia de Camdenos!
As for the rest of the cast, Vincent talks Martin into talking Ruthie into breaking up with him. The plan, of course, backfires. Kevin nags Lucy to get started on the house-hunting process, and then Annie nags her some more. SamVid are furious at their mother for making their siblings leave the house. Annie tries to bribe their anger away with new toys, but they are not falling for it. Finally, the newly-celibate Simon doesn't want to have sex with his girlfriend or tell her why. This seems really stupid until he actually does tell her about his Promise to God, and she immediately asks him to ask her to marry him. Ugh. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Night falls on the CamPound. Martin packs up the Treehouse as Ruthie observes and helps by placing a cheap-looking baseball trophy in a box. We get some expository dialogue about how Martin and his dad will be moving into the house across the street that Martin's aunt still owns, despite having moved to New York City and also being twelve years old.
Time is filled with a very slow tilt down the Pete's Pizza sign to the Promenade below it. Eventually, RevCam enters the scene holding two boxes of pizza, and runs into Asslee's dad. That's two blast-from-the-past episodes in a row! Which Season 8 co-star will appear week? I guess it's too much to hope for that Roxanne returns from her military police stint in Iraq (the one to Iran, that Iraq), takes the entire CamFam as her prisoners of war, and then makes them pose for naked pictures in embarrassing positions. Anyway, Asslee's dad, a.k.a. FrogDaddy, a.k.a. George, says he's been really busy getting certified to become a foster parent. Now he and his wife are just looking for the right kid to welcome into their home and fill the bobbly-headed void left by their daughter, who is currently in the recording studio working on her album -- I mean, "in college." "I'm really happy for you," RevCam lies. "Actually," says George, even though no one asked him to continue speaking, "we're becoming foster parents with the hopes of adopting." He talks some more about wanting a new child in the home, and RevCam interrupts him with a few "good for you's," obviously wanting to be on his way back home with that delicious pizza, but George keeps talking about how they're looking for a boy around nine or ten years old, which is the perfect age for child labor. Younger children are too small and weak for certain tasks, while puberty makes teenage boys too strong and rebellious. Hey, those toilets don't just clean themselves, especially now that Asslee is away! RevCam says that he knows of a child who fits all of George's qualifications, and has an adorable moppet hairdo to boot! George is thrilled. He should be, because, as we all know by now, RevCam + Pizza + "Adorable" Moppet Up For Adopting = DISASTER. Hope you don't have any expensive alcohol with sentimental value attached to it in your house, George!
Simon comes home from a long day of not having any STDs. He checks his answering machine, and there are four messages from a girl named Rose, each more desperate and lame than the last. Simon pushes a button on the phone. "Your messages have been deleted," an electronic voice says. You know it's going to be a thrilling and wild ride of an episode when a robot voice takes us into the opening credits.
For the Opening Credits Timewaster, Dr. Matt, M(uch).D(opey). wanders around the hospital looking for a phone to use. Amazingly, he still hasn't gotten the hang of that cell phone of his and has to use a pay phone, for which there is a long line of similarly technologically unadvanced people waiting. Matt waits in the line for about three seconds, then abandons it in favor of the free phone at a nurse's station. As he's waiting for whoever he called to pick up, a nurse approaches him and glares. Matt sees her and hangs up the phone as she asks him how he gets any work done when he's on the phone all the time. He doesn't really have an answer for that. The nurse tells Matt that a guy named Carlos called for him and said that Matt should come to his apartment as soon as possible. Matt asks Nurse if she's talking about the Carlos who is his brother-in-law. Nurse says she has no freaking idea. Matt says Carlos might not be his brother-in-law anymore. Nurse couldn't care less. I love how the hospital staff obviously hates Matt. I bet they talk about him in the break room.
Kevin isn't wearing a shirt. I see they're pulling out all the stops for the season finale! Kevin can't find his t-shirts, which are no longer in the dresser where he last left them. Lucy explains that she put them in the closet to make more room for Savannah's stuff. Kevin points out that Lucy didn't see fit to store any of her stuff in the closet. Lucy just shrugs. Kevin puts a t-shirt on and complains about how silly it is that Savannah's stuff gets priority over their stuff when she's just a baby and doesn't care. Lucy says she doesn't want to "crowd" Savannah by storing things in her room. Kevin asks if he'll have to wait for Savannah to go to college before he has his own space again. In fact, Kevin, it turns out that once Savannah leaves for college, Lucy will do the Christian thing and adopt a young boy to fill the void in her life and wash dishes. So you'll never be getting your own space. Unless you get smart and divorce her. Lucy insists that she wants to move out just as much as Kevin does. "Don't tease," says Kevin, who probably says that a lot nowadays, although it's usually in bed at night. He points out that Lucy has been saying she wants to move out for half of the season, but has never actually followed through on it. If she's serious about moving this time, Kevin will be more than happy to call the "real-i-tor" and get some listings. All houses listed must have their own fallout shelter attached, in case of nuc-u-lar war. Lucy says she wants to be involved with the entire house-buying process this time, which apparently includes making all the calls to the "real-i-tor," which she has every intention of doing. Kevin remains unconvinced.
Annie notices a spring in RevCam's step as he enters the kitchen. She demands to know what he's so happy about, not seeing the rather obvious correlation between RevCam's happiness and the fact that he's about to go to work, therefore guaranteeing himself eight hours away from his wife. RevCam says he doesn't want to say anything for fear of "jinxing" his latest special project. RevCam says God works in mysterious ways, like having no problems letting his workers believe in superstitions like jinxes.
As the door closes behind RevCam, SamVid enter the scene, packed up and ready for school. Annie tries to win their love by packing their favorite sandwiches in their lunches. But the twins are sad today about things that not even peanut butter and banana sandwiches can make better: they don't want Martin to move out. SamVid say that someone in their family is always moving out of their house, and they wonder if it's because no one likes them. Being that self-centered is okay when you're six, so I won't say anything about that. Plus, they're probably right. Annie slowly explains that the CamSibs like SamVid just fine, but as you grow older, you start to need your own space. One day, SamVid, too, will want to leave the CamPound. "No, we're gonna live with you and Daddy forever," says Vid, "just like Lucy." Ahahahaha! Even the twins make fun of crappy Lucy.
Upon hearing her name, Lucy sprints down the stairs and into the kitchen, asking what the twins are saying about her. They answer her truthfully. Lucy says that she will not be living in the CamPound for much longer, as she and Kevin are moving. "REALLY?" asks Annie, her voice filled with joy and gratitude. She's hilariously happy that her horrible middle daughter is finally leaving the CamNest, and talks on and on about how great it is and how happy RevCam will be until Lucy's face falls as she realizes that no one in the family likes her at all. Annie actually notices someone else's feelings for once, and tries to cover by saying she's happy not that Lucy is leaving the house, but that Lucy and Kevin will finally have their own place. Placated, Lucy smiles liplessly. As SamVid trudge out the door because they'd rather be in school than listen to this, Lucy asks Annie if she can baby-sit Savannah while Lucy goes to "work." Completely going back on last week's protests, Annie says she'd be happy to do it when she gets back from dropping SamVid off at school. While Lucy's waiting for her return, Annie suggests she call the "real-i-tor." "Back off," says Lucy. Well, Lucy, if you insist on living up Annie's ass all the time, that's going to be kind of difficult, isn't it? From outside, we hear the twins honk the car horn, probably by accident as they attempt to find a position that will allow one twin to move the steering wheel while the other applies the gas and brakes. They've never come this close to escaping before!
At school, an uneasy Vincent approaches Martin and says he needs to talk to him "alone" about a "favor." Hmmm…! Of course, no one can ever be alone when the Camdens are involved, so Stealth Ruthie sneaks up behind Vincent and says hello. She starts talking about how she and Vincent have their post-punishment first date tonight, and Vincent stutters and says he thought he had another Ruthie-free week and he obviously doesn't want to be anywhere near Ruthie anymore. Martin furrows his tremendous brow and asks Vincent what he wants from him. Vincent lies that he has no idea what Martin is talking about and walks away. Ruthie and Martin are confused.
George waits in the Church Office to meet his possible foster son. In comes RevCam with -- you guessed it -- Danny! I'm hard-pressed to think of a guest-star I'd rather see less than him. ["Two words: Jimmy. Moon." -- Sars] George says hello and apologizes for the absence of Gwen, as the actress apparently had less humiliating acting gigs to take. Which, of course, would be any acting gig up to and including dinner theater. George asks Danny what he wants to do today. "Move in with you and your wife!" Danny answers. It's rude to invite yourself into other people's homes like that, Danny. George says they'll have lunch first, then see what happens. Danny says that as long as what happens gets him out of the group home that apparently can't afford scissors with which to chop off his angelic curly locks, he'll be happy. Hmm…if Danny were to, say, die, that would prevent his return to the group home, wouldn't it? So basically, George, you've got permission to do away with the brat and save us all. Think about it. Danny grabs George's hand and off they go. RevCam smiles smugly and tearfully, then looks up at the ceiling a few times and mutters "okay, okay." He's probably supposed to be talking to God, but I'd like to think that Stephen Collins just agreed to buy the boom mic operator a pizza.
Simon comes home from work or classes or whatever he does all day to find a woman sitting on his bed. It's Rose, and Simon's crappy landlord let her in when she told him she was Simon's girlfriend. I know it violates the terms of your lease, Simon, but you might want to consider changing your locks and not giving your landlord the new key. Rose asks Simon if she's still his girlfriend. Simon stares at her. The Saxophone of Long and Awkward Stares plays for like five minutes.
Matt arrives at the Apartment of Broken Relationships. No, not the apartment PC moved out of last season, but Carlos's apartment, which he is in the end stages of packing up. Carlos says he's leaving town tomorrow, and he and Mary filed for divorce last week. Normally, I'd be happy that a CamRelationship came to such an unhappy end, but this is Mary and Carlos, and I kind of liked them, which probably has a lot to do with how little I had to see of them. Carlos says he's going back to Puerto Rico to be closer to his family. Matt says he wishes there were a way to fix this, but Carlos says he has said and done everything there was to say and do, and now it's time to move on. He called Matt over to pick up whatever crap Mary left behind and to tell him to tell the CamRents about what's going on, since Mary refuses to do it and Carlos would like to deal with as few Camdens as possible for the rest of his life.
Matt asks if Mary will ever come back from her training center in London. Carlos says she's actually in Chicago right now. HA! Mary moves all over the world without so much as leaving her family a forwarding address! She's awesome, even if she is abandoning her child. Yes, that's right: Mary signed full custody over to Carlos, who is bringing Charlie to Puerto Rico with him where they'll never have to see another Camden as long as they live. How jealous is Savannah right now?
SamVid return from school and refuse to speak to Martin. They say this will help them adjust to his moving away, but it's not going to do their poor speech skills any favors. Martin says he's only moving across the street. Annie says that, to six-year-olds, across the street is like across the country. Except not really, because I can remember being six and thinking about how lucky I was that my best friend lived just across the street and we could see each other all the time. Plus, she had a pool.
The phone rings. Annie answers and starts to tell the caller that Ruthie is upstairs, but then hands the phone off the Martin, saying Vincent wants to talk to him. She leaves the room. We see that Vincent is calling from a pay phone on the Promenade, even though we know he owns a cell phone and has a private line in his bedroom, so it makes absolutely no sense that he'd be using a pay phone in the middle of the Promenade. Unless, of course, Vincent wisely suspects that the Camdens could have his regular lines tapped. He says he "needs" to talk to Martin without Ruthie knowing about it. "I want no part of whatever you're up to," Martin says. Before Vincent can explain exactly which parts of him are up for Martin, he's hung up on. To be fair, Martin did say goodbye first, so it looks like Martin's doing his part to make sure he's fully acclimated to life outside the CamPound when his dad returns.
Elsewhere on the Promenade, George and Li'l Orphan Danny exit the movie theater. George asks Li'l Orphan Danny if he liked the movie, and Li'l Orphan Danny says he totally didn't. We see from a movie poster for a film called Little Luigi that is currently playing, and I can't understand why LOD wouldn't have enjoyed that. Making fun of Italians looks like great fun to me! LOD says he doesn't like animation. Well, life in Glenoak is just going to suck for him, seeing as the only movie theater in town plays nothing but cartoons from the '50s. George asks LOD why he didn't just tell him about his hatred for animation so they could have seen something else that they both enjoyed, like the live-action Happy Jamal, playing in Cinema Three. LOD says he didn't want to upset George. Okay, then WHY WOULD HE TELL HIM HE DIDN'T LIKE THE MOVIE AT ALL? He's only going to be MORE upset if you tell him AFTER, isn't he? George says that time, they'll be sure to see something LOD likes. LOD is all happy that there will be a time and asks when he can move in with George and Gwen, who LOD annoyingly insists on referring to as "[George's] wife" instead of her actual name. George says that LOD needs to chill out. After all, he might not like Gwen. "Is she an alcoholic?" LOD immediately asks, his voice filled with dread. How sad that they don't teach tact in group homes. Those kids really are deprived. George says that his wife is not an alcoholic, although she has every right to be. I know if I were married to that man and had given birth to that daughter, I'd be dulling the pain any way possible.
LOD says that as long as Gwen isn't an alcoholic, he's sure he'll love her. He asks when he can staff moving his "stuff" into George's house. What stuff is that, boy? I thought people in group homes had emotional rather than actual baggage, not like LOD seems to have any of the difficult emotional and behavioral problems most children from backgrounds like his have. Then LOD asks if George and Gwen will take his sister in as well. "You have a sister?" asks George as he makes the standard "ooooohhhhh ssshhiitttt" face. But it gets better! LOD explains: "She's in a different group home." Pause. George stares. Pause. "Because she's in a wheelchair," LOD finishes. Looks like you hit the foster child lottery, George!
At the church office, Lucy has given up on the Daily Jumble and moved onto to significantly simpler, though still trying, Kid's Scramble. Kevin calls from the police station to say that he called the "real-i-tor" and got some listings. Lucy's all pissed that Kevin didn't let her do it, but Kevin points out that he only did it because Lucy didn't. He accuses her of stalling. Lucy says she had all kinds of work to do this morning for that "teen empowerment" class she pretends to teach, but was going to call when she was done. Kevin doesn't believe that at all, just like he doesn't believe that Lucy ever actually wanted to move out of her parents' house. Lucy hangs up on him. She really takes the "-ociate" right out of "associate pastor," doesn't she?
Over at Simon's apartment, Rose tells Simon that she thinks he wants to break up with her because he never answers the phone when she calls, and when they actually do end up spending time together, Simon acts "nervous and weird." That's proof positive that just because Camden has premarital sex doesn't make him any less of a Camden. Simon says he does like Rose, but his behavior is because he can't have sex with her and he knows that she wants to have sex with him. Rose asks Simon if he's giving her the "let's be friends" speech, because in her opinion, the only thing that separates a friend from a boyfriend to her is whether or not sex is involved, which is the way evil sex-having singles think. Simon says he want to be in a relationship with Rose, but he will not have sex with her. Rose asks why. Simon says it's "complicated." Enh, nothing on this show is really that complicated, Simon, although taking into account the average intelligence of your other girlfriends, to whom the Kid's Scramble usually poses challenging task, it might be. Rose tells Simon she's sick of his "doubletalk," and leaves.
George hangs out in the lobby of one of Glenoak's sixteen group homes. Our favorite wheelchair-bound optimist enters and greets George as "Dad." She says she can be packed in an hour. Never before has a girl in a wheelchair engendered so little sympathy from me. Free Wheelin' Kelly asks George what will happen to Meredith. "I hope Meredith is your dog," George says. "We don't have a dog," Kelly replies with an obnoxious grin. I bet those group homes would be a lot more fun if they did have a dog, though. George says that RevCam never mentioned that Danny had such a "large" family. Enh, he probably forgot most of them existed, much like he forgets about most of the people in his large family.
RevCam takes a call in his Home Office. It's Matt, calling from the hospital. You know he's calling from the hospital because there are a bunch of lit X-rays in the background. Off-screen, the radiology department glares at the oily med student who snuck into their room and took over their phones. RevCam assumes that Matt is calling with bad news. Infuriatingly, Matt refuses to tell RevCam anything, so RevCam has to guess. He lists all of the children, and Matt's refusal to speak when RevCam calls Mary's name tells him that the bad news is about her. Matt still won't say anything. RevCam stutters out an interrogation, but Matt won't answer and lies that he's been paged back to work. He hangs up on RevCam, leaving the guy to sit there and think about all the horrible things that could have happened to Mary, like injury, death, or, even worse, divorce.
Vincent walks Ruthie to her front door after their date. Ruthie expects a kiss on the lips, but only gets one on the forehead. She's all put out about it, but seeing as the poor guy has to pretty much double over to get down to the level of her lips, he's got every right to pull up a bit to reduce the strain on his back. Help the guy out and bring a stool to your date, Ruthie. IF THERE IS ONE!
Martin watches what sounds like an old Western on TV. Yes, today's teenage boys just love their Gunsmoke! Vincent silently enters the Treehouse and makes Martin pay attention to him. He says he "needs" Martin to get Ruthie to dump him. He'd dump Ruthie himself, but the last time he tried to do that, she cried and made a scene. Also, the writers of this show will make any situation, no matter how seemingly banal, into an Exercise in Miscommunication with "Hilarious" Results. Martin refuses to do Vincent's dirty work for him, and asks what all this is about. Vincent explains that he's going to visit his grandparents in Hawaii this summer, and he doesn't want his relationship with Ruthie to prevent him from meeting any hot Hawaiian chicks, even though Ruthie looks more Hawaiian than most Hawaiians. Martin agrees to help Vincent because he wants to help Ruthie. He tells Vincent to leave the Treehouse now "because the urge to hit [Vincent] is growing stronger." I know how Martin feels, seeing as my urge to hit him grows exponentially stronger between eight-to-nine o'clock every Monday.
George meets Meredith, who tells him about Christina, yet another sister. Christina's in college and doesn't come home that much, although once she has a real home to come back to, she'll probably start coming by every weekend. "That's okay, right?" asks Meredith. George looks horrified.
Lucy apologizes to Annie for getting from "work" home so late, but she was stuck on "TAC" in the Kid's Scramble. She assumed the answer was "CAT," but that left the riddle on the bottom without any vowels, which obviously doesn't work. After a couple hours, though, Lucy realized that the answer was actually "ACT," and that gave her the "A" she needed to solve the final puzzle. Annie stops her housewifery dough-rolling to nag Lucy to get those real estate listings. As SamVid listen from the stairs, Lucy asks Annie why she wants her out of the house so much. Upon hearing this, SamVid go upstairs, because why listen to an entire conversation when you can just hear some easily misunderstood bits and pieces and act on them?
Annie says that this is not about what she wants, it's about what's best for Lucy and Kevin's marriage. "We're fine," says Lucy, totally forgetting about the two fights she's had with Kevin today alone. Annie says she has one daughter with marital problems already and she doesn't want two. "That's why you need to move," Annie says, "before what seems like a small problem -- living here -- turns into a big problem. And then who knows what would happen?" It's not often that you can run something through Babelfish and have it come out BETTER and MORE CLEARLY STATED than the original, but I think you could do that here. In fact, I did just that, and here is what I got: "That is, why you must move. Before which like a small problem seems -- here living -- revolutions into a large problem. And then knows who, what would happen?" Lucy simply says that Mary and Carlos will work their problems out eventually, even though the issue here is Lucy and Kevin moving out, not Mary and Carlos.
Rose just won't leave Simon alone. She knocks on his door and says she wants to come in, but not to "play board games, or watch TV, or hold hands." She wants to DO IT. She's still talking when Simon pulls her into him for a kiss. The Musical Flourish of Disappointment would have us believe that Simon is going back on his Word to God, but I think he was just trying to get Rose to shut up.
The day, George has come to the CamPound to rightly yell at RevCam for tricking him into adopting four children, one of whom is a legal adult, another of whom is in a wheelchair, and all of whom are annoying and demanding. George accuses RevCam of being a con man and says that, as a man of God, he should be ashamed of himself. George's awesomeness comes to an abrupt end, however, when he claims that all four of the kids are "great," but that there's just no way he and Gwen can take in four kids when they don't even know if they'll be able to handle one. I think the state would agree with George. They want their wards to get put into foster homes and adopted, but not so much that they'd allow brand-new foster parents to take in four of them at once. RevCam says he's sorry, but when George told him about his big, empty house, he just thought those stupid kids would be perfect for filling it. George says that in a perfect world, they would be, but in this world, he makes a living cleaning toilets and has never had to take care of more than one child at a time, so he has no idea how to deal with four. George and Gwen still want to take LOD in, and make it so that he and his sisters will visit each other as often as possible. George asks RevCam to help him "explain" to the reject kids why he's only taking their brother. RevCam says it's the least he can do after putting him in this awful situation. George says that he would have done the same thing if he were RevCam. So they're both smarmy assholes, I guess. George leaves RevCam alone to sigh and tear up, although you'll notice that he's not so sad that he's volunteering to take any of those kids into the CamPound and its many soon-to-be-vacant rooms.
Unannounced, Matt enters Carlos's apartment just in time to see him giving the keys to his landlord. The landlord takes off, as he is not a Camden and so doesn't like to get involved in other families and their problems. Matt says there has to be something he can do to get Mary and Carlos back together. He knows that Carlos doesn't want things to end like this. Carlos puts Charlie down so he can have his arms free to gesture furiously as he tells Matt that this isn't about what he wants: it's about what Mary wants, and always has been. And Mary doesn't want Carlos or Charlie. Matt says that the Camdens were raised better than to "run away" from problems and responsibilities. You know, like how Matt never told his parents that he got married so that they had to pay for a second, totally fake wedding, how Lucy continues to refuse to move out of her parents' home and into the real world, how Simon ran away to a distant college because he killed a kid, and how no one will tell Ruthie that she's adopted, no matter how perfect or ample the opportunities.
Matt says he can try to talk to Mary, because she listens to him. Yes, when Mary isn't moving around the world to escape her annoying family, she's listening to what they have to say. Carlos says Matt can tell Mary to be an adult and a wife and mother. But first, he should tell the CamRents about the divorce already. Matt says he can't; the news would "kill" them. Carlos points out that "kill" might not be the best word to use here, considering RevCam's crap heart. I disagree. Carlos continues that if he and Charlie could survive Mary leaving, then the much lesser-affected Camdens surely can too. Carlos says he'll call the CamRents if Matt won't, but he just thought they would rather hear the news from their son than their soon-to-be-ex son-in-law. I guess we should have known a match between a Camden and a guy who thinks about other people's feelings wouldn't work out.
Martin and Ruthie chat as they walk along the Promenade. Martin says things are going well with Zoe and that he likes her, which…WHAT?! Since when? Wasn't he accusing her of making him miss a call from his father JUST LAST WEEK? Didn't he DUMP her TWO WEEKS AGO?! Why is he still with her? Ruthie says that Zoe is "nice," which, again…we haven't seen any proof of this. But now it's time for Martin to try to convince Ruthie that Vincent isn't the man for her, because this show still hasn't figured out how infuriating and stupid these plots are. Martin points out Vincent's faults, like how his head is too big for his body and he saw him smoking once and how Vincent isn't "athletic." "I kinda thought you would end up with a jock, not a 'Vincent,'" Martin says. And what was he basing that assumption on? Ruthie's conquests? I don't think so. And I don't think Vincent is all that unathletic. He was a pretty good dancer, and I bet he'd be a great tight end. Martin says he thinks Ruthie could "do better" with someone who "fits in with [her] lifestyle." And then Vincent could find someone who fits in with his "lifestyle" a little better too. Someone with a penis. Ruthie says that Martin seems to feel very strongly about Ruthie breaking up with Vincent. Martin says that's because he cares.
Lucy asks her mother to "keep an eye on Savannah" while she and Kevin go to meet the "real-i-tor." Annie is happy to do whatever it takes to get her burden of a daughter out of the house, and agrees. Kevin and Lucy walk off as SamVid make their angry faces. Annie asks the twins what's wrong, and they say that they're angry at Annie for making all their brothers and sisters leave the house. They storm off into their room holding hands. Annie moves to follow, but then they slam the door in her face. I like those twins more and more each episode.
Rose exposits that she and Simon just spent the whole night eating spaghetti and slow-dancing, i.e. not having sex. Simon says he's sorry, but he can't have sex with Rose and there's apparently nothing in between the spaghetti and dancing stage and the sex-having stage. "Is there something wrong with you physically?" Rose asks. That's what I would have suspected at this point, what with Simon saying that he wanted to have sex but couldn't, and that his problem was "personal" and "complicated." Simon assures her that that is not the case, then kicks her out of the apartment so he can get ready for work. Rose says she never thought Simon would play so "hard to get" based on his reputation, and finally leaves, giving Simon a chance to talk to God. "God, help me," Simon says. "No, really, God: please help me." God tells Simon that he is number fifty-six billion and five on the waiting list, so Simon might want to just satisfy his carnal needs with some heavy petting like all the other celibate people do while he's waiting. It's not hard, Simon. Unless, of course, there's something wrong with you physically.
RevCam and George have just broken the bad news to the Orphan Kids. Kelly and Meredith tell LOD to live with George and not blow this opportunity because of them. Meredith asks George to promise to take care of their brother. Meredith and Kelly seems just a little too okay with having their brother taken away from them, if you ask me. Perhaps they hate him as much as I do. LOD says he won't live in "some nice house with some nice parents" while his sisters suffer in their horrible group homes. George says LOD is right: if he's going to take one kid, he's got to take them all. So he's going to take them all. Well, except for the girl in the wheelchair. Oh, okay, actually, because this is 7th Heaven where everything is perfect, he takes everyone. Hope he can afford to make his house wheelchair-accessible! Fortunately, thanks to the miracle of government food stamps, they'll never be hungry. George says they all belong together and he cares about them. LOD smiles orphanishly. George says it's time to break the "good news" to his wife, who will probably react by saying that if those kids belong together, then she and George do not. Because I would be PISSED if my husband made a snap decision like that, no matter how well-intentioned. While applying the Stephen Collins theory that halting line delivery equals great emotional acting, Meredith says: "I'm sorry, I…I…just never ever thought I would have a dad. I'm so old and nobody's ever wanted me." "I want you," says George, which makes me feel icky. Hugs are shared all around. RevCam stands off to the side and cries like a little bitch. George sees him and says "oh, for goodness sake!" and the two men hug, because hugs between two male friends are acceptable heterosexual behavior so long as the circumstances are sappy and artificially heartwarming.
Kevin and Lucy go over pages and pages of real estate listings. Lucy has a reason why she doesn't like every single house on the market. Kevin sighs. I don't care.
RevCam's about to leave for work when Matt calls. He finally tells RevCam the news about Mary filing for divorce. RevCam says he isn't surprised, because he always expected Mary to fail, which is probably why she's done it so many times. He's sad, but he's not surprised. Matt tells RevCam the rest of the news, which RevCam sums up nicely for us all: Mary is getting a divorce, giving up her son, and cutting off all ties with her horrible family. "It gets worse," says Matt. And just what could possibly be worse? "Now you have to tell Mom." RevCam closes his eyes in sadness and hangs up on his son. I love that telling Annie bad news ranks higher than your daughter getting divorced and cutting off all contact with you on the list of Camden Family Tragedies.
SamVid play checkers in a much more orderly fashion than any six-year-old I've ever seen. I think it's because they aren't human. Annie enters the room and attempts to buy their love back with offers of snacks or trips to the park or toy store, but they will not be moved. "We want our brothers and sisters back. You made them leave. Make them come back," say SamVid. And then, in what could be the best moment of this episode despite the fact that it involves two characters doing something in unison, SamVid turn away from their mother. Oh, how I laughed! Annie does not laugh, though.
Ruthie meets Vincent on the Promenade. "We need to talk," she tells him. They sit on a bench, and Ruthie says that she's been thinking a lot lately, especially after talking to Martin today. Vincent tries not to jump up and down with glee at the dumping he thinks is coming. He imagines his life without Ruthie. No more talking for hours on the phone or having to dance and sing with the baseball team! Dating mean blonde girls who lie about their mothers having cancer again! A nice life, indeed. But then Ruthie says that she thinks that now that Martin is leaving the house and therefore no longer serving as a faux brother to Ruthie, he's trying to get Ruthie and Vincent to break up so he can have Ruthie all to himself. "You must have misunderstood," says Vincent, as his dreams disappear in puffs of smoke. Ruthie says Martin is "really into" her. She thinks he would dump Zoe for her (not like it takes much for Martin to dump Zoe), and this would make her a "homewrecker," except not at all. She asks Vincent to talk to Martin and assure him that Ruthie and Vincent will never, ever be breaking up. Vincent just sits there, his hopes and dreams destroyed.
RevCam comes home just as Annie's getting off the phone. It turns out that both of the CamRents have bad news for each other: Annie's is that Greta the CPS Lady (who, I'm sad to report, does not appear in this episode) just called to say that there are some complications regarding the adoption that are RevCam's business even though he's not the person who's adopting anyone, nor is he involved with the foster program at all. It seems that the children's mother has a problem with her kids being taken from her, even though she doesn't really like them. Oh, I hope Mackenzie Phillips comes back and blows cigarette smoke in people's faces and sasses them! RevCam seeing a way to avoid telling Annie about Mary's problems, RevCam runs off, saying he has to call Greta back right away.
Simon comes home from class to find Stalker Rose standing outside his apartment. She says she HAS to know what Simon's problem is. So Simon tells her about the no premarital sex promise he made to God, thinking that perhaps his siblings were right to wait until marriage to have sex, because that worked out so well, what with two of them either having been or currently being on the verge of divorce while the third refuses to move out of her parents' house, and all because they married people they never got to know very well simply to have sex with them. This show sucks. "That is personal and complicated," says Rose. No, Rose, it really isn't. What is complicated is describing Simon and Rose's subsequent dialogue, in which Simon's assertion that he really does like Rose turns into them getting engaged. It's the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen, until the "Executive Producer: Brenda Hampton" screen pops up.
And that's our show! Tune in week for the thrilling conclusion to this season, where we see Annie's reactions to her twin sons hating her and her daughter getting divorced. I'm crossing my fingers for explosions! Deadly ones, preferably.