Annie's on the phone with Carlos. She says she's glad to hear from him, as Mary has been mysteriously out of touch lately. "Lately" being the last four seasons, of course. The CamRents have been calling and calling, but Mary never calls back. I can't imagine why, seeing as when Mary does actually talk to her family, they probably waste her cell phone minutes telling her what a stupid and horrible person she is for being the only Camden to actually maintain an independent adulthood. Annie asks Carlos to "bring [Charles] by" some weekend, as if three-thousand-mile distances are just that easy to traverse, even with the free plane tickets. Shut up, Annie. We see Ruthie standing at the bottom of the staircase, apparently spying on Annie despite the fact that she's standing in plain sight. She might want to re-take RevCam's Stalking 101 class. That said, sometimes you can overhear the juiciest stuff this way. Once, I was just standing around in my high school hallway when I overheard my English teacher telling my history teacher that she wanted to strangle me. Come to think of it, Annie reminds me of my English teacher, except that Annie dresses better and is prettier and has better hair. But enough of that; Annie starts not-so-subtly asking Carlos if there's any news, like, say, Mary being pregnant. Ruthie runs upstairs.
She finds Lucy busily engaged in her homework for her latest lesson in her Good Wifery class: bed-making. Ruthie reports that Annie is giving Carlos the "Spanish Inquisition." Is that supposed to be a reference to Carlos's ethnicity? Probably not, but it's not like this show would look any worse if they did start making racist puns. Lucy clumsily exposits that Carlos won't be telling Annie anything about Mary being pregnant, since Mary isn't actually pregnant. By the way, more than half of this episode's lines are just exposition of stuff that either happened last week or earlier in the same episode, which is even more exposition than this show usually has. I think it's because now that Brenda Hampton is dividing her time between this show and the new show that someone was stupid enough to give her, Fat Actress, her commitment to script quality has actually lessened. So, in honor of this, whenever someone says something in this episode that we already know, I'm just going to write "Kirstie Alley is fat." This is a lot shorter than writing out what the people actually say, and if Brenda Hampton can make her job easier, then I certainly can too. Onward!
Ruthie says Simon needs to take care of everything before the CamRents find out that their kids lied and they get in trouble. I love how Ruthie is more afraid of getting caught for lying than she is about whatever Mary's stupid problem is. Oh, and how Lucy even cares that she'll get in trouble when she's freaking twenty-two. Although I guess the CamRents could send Lucy to her room or take her dessert away, couldn't they? Suddenly, it occurs to Lucy that Carlos have called to tell Annie about how Mary moved out, which is the Big Bad Secret Mary had that the kids were trying to cover for last week. Nice weak-ass reveal for a revelation two weeks in the making there, Brenda. Ruthie and Lucy try think of some tangled webs they can weave so that the CamRents won't be mad at them for lying about Mary.
This week's Opening Credits Timewaster is Simon cooking some gross-looking eggs in his slum apartment kitchen. If only he weren't a man, and thus incapable of cooking. Oh well! Simon makes two plates of eggs and toast, then simultaneously pours coffee and OJ into mugs. Meanwhile, an elderly woman observes. Okay, she's not "elderly," but she is definitely way older than the character she's supposed to be playing, unless Simon is such a stud that he's doing his professors now. Full tenured professors, not "assistant" or "adjunct" ones. At least he chose a brunette this time. Unfortunately, she kinda looks like Mary, so ew. Simon and Prof. Slut begin to eat breakfast. Simon's phone rings, but he refuses to answer it because he knows it's someone from his family. Sure enough, Ruthie leaves a message about how Simon has to rush home this weekend to think of "more, better, and different lies" to tell the CamRents about Mary. Simon explains to Prof. Slut about how Kirstie Alley is fat. Prof. Slut rasps that sometimes people have bad things to say and it's hard for them to say them. She continues in this vein until it's entirely obvious to everyone except Simon that she has something bad to say that is hard for her to say. She goes on that she should have told him something last night, so she "sympathizes" with Mary's situation. Simon asks if she's talking about their non-exclusive relationship, which he thought they had mutually agreed upon. I've never known a college guy who hooks up with a girl and then serves her breakfast the morning, by the way. Most girls I knew did the "Walk of Shame" on an empty stomach. Well, not entirely empty. Prof. Slut says that now that Simon has "been with" her, he's also "been with" every man she's "been with." She means indirectly, although when it comes to Simon, I tend to wonder if it's directly as well. Anyway, if Prof. Slut hems and haws any longer, I'm going to be as menopausal as she already is by the time she spits it out. Or rather, swallows. Okay, no more of that from me.
Just as Prof. Slut is about to reveal her secret, we cut to Lucy putting socks on Savannah. Babies wearing socks are cute and all, but the fact that we just cut away from a revelation that we invested five minutes hearing the build-up of before it happened is freaking ridiculous. Typical of this show, but still ridiculous. Especially when you consider the weak-ass and anticlimactic way this information is revealed later in the show. Anyway, Annie ruins a cute moment by entering the scene and making some silly faces. Then she starts fervently asserting that she loves all of her daughters, because sometimes when you don't actually feel something that you're supposed to, you lie to people that you do to try to convince yourself of it. Suddenly, Annie swings into angry mode and says she doesn't understand why Mary didn't tell her that she was pregnant again. In a rare moment of rational thinking and personal responsibility, Annie says that this is her fault because she doesn't talk to Mary enough and she never visits her. This is quickly reversed, however, by Annie's subsequent on-the-spot decision to go to New York. She opens her mouth wide in celebration, grunts, and waddles out of the room. Lucy flips her cell phone open and calls Simon.
Simon isn't answering his phone. It might be because he can't hear it ringing, what with the loudly blaring Pianos of Sadness playing as he sits around sulking. The music fades, leaving poor Simon with only Lucy's voice leaving a message on his machine, nagging him to call her back immediately so they can come up with a "game plan." Simon picks up his phone, but instead of calling Lucy, he calls Matt. He then leaves this brilliant message: "Uh, hey, Matt, it's uh, it's me. It's Simon. Simon Camden." He should have said his middle name too, just in case Matt confuses him with all those other Simon Camdens he knows. Simon asks Matt to call him back as soon as he can because Simon is "in trouble. Possibly." Y'all, I am on the edge of my seat with suspense here.
And we go from one phone conversation to another, as Annie is on the phone with RevCam, who is hanging out in front of his ugly stained glass window at the Church Office, telling him about her crazy New York plan. She'll just hop on a plane to New York after church tomorrow. It couldn't be easier! RevCam wants to go too, but doesn't want to leave SamVid in the apparently less-than-capable hands of Lucy and Kevin, like he is any sort of improvement over them. RevCam has just gotten off the phone with Annie when his phone rings again. This time it's Matt, asking if he left his cell phone back in Glenoak. RevCam pulls open his desk drawer and lo and behold! Matt's cell phone is right there! Matt says he's been waiting for a call from the doctor he worked with when he was in Glenoak, but he hasn't been able to check his cell phone messages from another phone because "for some reason, it's not working." That reason being, of course, that the writers couldn't think of an actual reason because that makes no freaking sense. Anyway, this is a good opportunity for Matt to go buy a replacement cell phone, one with a big "OFF" button on it and one of those bright pink sunglasses straps attached so that Matt can wear it around his neck and never lose it again. One suggestion, however: try to buy a phone from the current century this time, okay, Dopey?
RevCam checks Matt's phone and says it looks like he has a couple of messages waiting for him, and that Annie will be arriving in New York tomorrow and can bring Matt's phone with her. Matt says this means he can just check his messages when his mom brings the phone, then, but RevCam says he's "already listening" to them. We see RevCam with Matt's cell phone in one ear and the church phone in the other, because there just hasn't been enough phone action in this episode already. RevCam looks quite pleased to be fulfilling his phone double-fisting fantasies. He tells Matt that there's a message from PC, telling him to call her (odds are ninety-nine to one that it's about Matt signing their divorce papers). Matt tells RevCam he can stop listening to his messages because he can just check them himself when Annie arrives tomorrow. Well, that's like asking an alcoholic to drink just one sip of beer, isn't it? So RevCam keeps right on listening, and says Simon wants Matt to call him, but he didn't say anything more. This is a lie, but as we'll see throughout this episode, the CamRents are allowed to lie even though no one else is. Matt asks RevCam if Mary knows her mother is coming to visit. Of course she doesn't! Why ever would a Camden do something as polite and considerate as informing someone well ahead of time that she is coming to visit them, when she can just appear on one's doorstep to completely disrupt one's life? RevCam and Matt hang up, and RevCam listens to Matt's phone messages again. It's a good thing there's no chance that PC left an intimate private message for Matt.
Matt leaves a message on Simon's machine, informing him that RevCam may have heard whatever Simon said in his message. He continues that Kirstie Alley is fat, and way to have a boring, non-plot-progressing scene devoid of living people when we could have been treated to a scene of Matt's hospital boss busting him for using the hospital line to make long-distance personal calls.
It's nighttime now. Ruthie is doing the dishes, which, now that I think about it, she does during at least one scene in every episode. Drinking game! Martin walks in and invites Ruthie out with him to the Promenade. Ruthie says she already turned Vincent down on a trip to the Promenade. Martin happily asks if this means that Ruthie is "tired" of Vincent. Ruthie says she just wanted to stick around the CamPound because there's "a lot of stuff" going on. Martin asks what it is, being sure to pitch a little hissy fit about the fact that he wasn't informed about it in the first place because no one thinks of him as family. So Ruthie tells him about how Kirstie Alley is fat. Martin disgustedly says that he can't help Ruthie out with this at all because he doesn't have experience in "this level of lying," and walks out. Well, I'm sure Ruthie will be eager to let him in on all the family-only secrets from now on.
Annie trots into SamVid's room and asks if she can play a game with them, since she'll be away from them for a few days. SamVid's like, "Who are you, strange woman?" Ruthie walks up, and SamVid say they'd rather play with her. Annie leaves to pack, because it's more important for her to fix broken relationships with her children AFTER they start than it is to prevent them from happening in the first place. SamVid accuse Ruthie of lying that the reason why she's staying home tonight is to spend time with them. It says a lot that even the extremely dense and slow SamVid can figure out how much their family doesn't like them. Well, they'll always have each other.
RevCam's in the CamBoudoir, reading a book. He seems fascinated by its contents, as if he were reading them for the first time. This leads me to believe that he's reading the Bible. Annie runs in and starts throwing stuff into a suitcase. RevCam's all, "Hey, Annster! Did you know that we're supposed to 'love thy neighbor'? I've been doing it wrong all this time!" Annie asks RevCam several times if he's okay with her going to New York, because it looks like something is bothering him. "Everything is fine," RevCam says, adding a rather menacing "or it will be." Then he stares forward, thinking about how much easier controlling his family will be once he kills off the troublesome Simon and Mary.
Martin finds Mac on the Promenade. Mac is all disappointed that Ruthie isn't with him. Martin says Ruthie didn't want to come, and she has a boyfriend anyway. Mac says he just saw Ruthie's boyfriend with some other girl. WHAT?!?! And I thought Vincent and Ruthie's relationship was so functional and perfect! How COULD this happen? Martin tells Mac he will not be friends with him if he dates Ruthie. Mac accuses Martin of liking Ruthie. Martin denies it. This little three-way action Mac, Martin, and Ruthie are involved in is a lot more gross than it is cute, which I believe was its intended effect. Suddenly, Vincent walks by with a blonde girl. He sees Martin and Mac and looks very guilty. He tells his date to hang out by herself for a minute, and walks over to Mac and Martin. He says he knows this looks bad, but he asked Ruthie out and she made some lame excuse about needing to stay in the CamPound, so he asked someone else out. Martin says Vincent should be more considerate of the personal crisis that is preventing Ruthie from going out with him tonight. Vincent accuses Martin and Mac of having a crush on Ruthie, then freaks out about Ruthie's personal crisis and what it could be. Martin tells Vincent about how Kirstie Alley is fat.
Vincent walks back to his date and lies that the movie they were going to see is sold out. Then he admits that he only asked her out because he was angry at his girlfriend for not wanting to go out with him. The girl takes this amazingly well, and says that if Vincent ever asks her out again, she'll have to say no because of this. But she thanks him for his honesty, because that is the moral of this week's episode.
Kevin finally enters the show. Lucy won't let him kiss their daughter because he's drunk. Kevin snaps that he isn't drunk; in fact, he hasn't even had anything to drink tonight at all. He was only at the Pool Hall for such a long time because things are so awkward in the CamPound what with Kirstie Alley being so fat and all. Kevin says he can't believe Lucy would lie to her parents, being a minister and all. Yes, but she's a minister in the Church of Selective Moral Applications, so it's probably fine. Lucy counters that Kevin lies too: for instance he just lied that he didn't have anything to drink at the Pool Hall. Kevin says he wasn't lying about that. Nice example, Lucy. Good luck on your future endeavors. Suddenly, Kevin remembers he has to call Simon back. He does, and leaves a message. Lucy says Simon called Kevin because it's been, like, three scenes since someone was on the phone and we are WAY overdue. Also because Kirstie Alley is fat.
Downstairs, Ruthie is rummaging around in the fridge. There's a knock at the back door, and then Vincent's voice announces his arrival. Who knocks and then just starts yelling like that? It's either one or the other; not both. Ruthie opens the door, and Vincent asks her about her "family crisis." Oh my god, "crisis"? Seriously? Is Kirstie Alley being fat really a crisis? Why can't something happen to these people so that things can get put in perspective for them, like a mudslide or an earthquake or any of the thousand other extremely dangerous natural events that seem to plague California? I, for one, wouldn't object to Lucy dying in a freak kitchen accident, thus showing the Camdens how fleeting your time with your loved ones can be, so appreciate it while it's there.
Vincent asks Ruthie why she didn't just tell him about the "crisis" instead of lying that she wanted to spend the evening with SamVid. Ruthie simply answers that she didn't want Vincent to know. Then she realizes that Martin has been going around telling everyone about Kirstie Alley's weight problem. Vincent says he wanted Ruthie to know that he was on a date with another girl, which he was doing because Kirstie Alley is fat. I don't really like Vincent all that much, but I have to give him credit for knowing the Camdens well enough to race to the CamPound and tell Ruthie what happened before anyone else could. Ruthie doesn't really mind, and points out that this means she can go out with other guys. Vincent says he hopes she doesn't, "not until [they]'re not seeing each other anymore, at least." Uh..."at least"? Hey, everyone, please meet Vincent, Future Psycho Possessive Ex-Boyfriend! Vincent tells Ruthie to call her if she ever needs to talk about her problems. He's so gay.
Ruthie goes back inside, and runs into RevCam, who is on his way out the door. She asks him where he's off to, and he replies that he feels like taking a ride. And he doesn't want Ruthie to come with him. And he's obviously going to see Simon.
Kevin's cell phone rings. That ring sounds a lot more like a landline ring than it does a cell phone, which is probably because the sound effects team, like everyone else associated with this show, couldn't care less. Really, it's a miracle that we don't hear, like, a doorbell when Savannah starts to "cry" or a door slamming when Happy "barks." Although that would make the show better. Excuse me, I have to write a letter to the 7th Heaven sound effects team.
Okay, I'm back. Kevin greets Simon's call with a charming "it looks like things are getting complicated like they do when people lie." They should have just made that the freaking title of this episode. Kevin talks about how Kirstie Alley is fat, but Simon says he has other problems to deal with right now. Kevin asks what they are. The scene ends. God, this show sucks. It sucks so bad. I know you know this, and I know it too, but sometimes I just need to say it.
Martin and Mac are still hanging out on the Promenade. They share this hilarious exchange:
Mac: Maybe we should just go home.
Martin: All right. I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Mac: No, I meant to your home.
Martin: What are we gonna do at my home?
Tee hee hee! Martin pretends that Mac is talking about seeing Ruthie again, and Mac plays along that he can comfort Ruthie when she finds out about Vincent seeing another girl. Plus, Ruthie may need to talk to someone about Kirstie Alley's obesity issues, which Mac says must be terrible for all the Camdens. Martin points out that Mac has never even met Mary. Mac says he doesn't need to know Mary to be sympathetic. Considering that we don't need Mary to write an A-plot about her, I guess that's true.
Lucy and Happy enter Ruthie's room. Happy has been looking small lately; did they replace her? How many "Happy as Happy"s has this series gone through, anyway? And if they can recast Happy, why can't they recast SamVid? Ruthie and Lucy talk in circles about Kirstie Alley's weight problem, and whether or not they should tell the CamRents about it before Annie goes to New York. And then they sit around and talk shit about Mary, because this is everyone on this show's favorite hobby. Martin enters. Ruthie tells Lucy that Martin knows that Kirstie Alley is fat, and he told Mac and Vincent about it, too. Martin apologizes for this and asks Ruthie if she knows about Vincent. Ruthie says she knows all about how Kirstie Alley is fat and she doesn't mind, since Vincent told her the truth about it. Then Kevin enters the room and tells Lucy that Savannah needs her. Lucy asks if Kevin talked to Simon. "Goodnight!" Kevin quickly says to Martin and Ruthie as he grabs Lucy by the arm and pulls her out of the room. Hooray for harbingers of domestic violence!
Simon sits around, looking close to tears. Really, is whatever news (I know what it was, but I'm not going to spoil it for you!) Prof. Slut had for Simon so bad that he's going to blow a Saturday night crying about it? The worse the news is, the more partying Simon should be doing right now. But no, since Simon is a loser Camden, he's sitting home by himself. Or not, since RevCam has just arrived for a surprise visit! Wow, that sucks. Not as bad as it's going to suck for Carlos when Annie shows up on his doorstep, however. Simon smiles when he sees his dad at the door, but whatever nice, warm, family moment this show might have just conjured up in my dark heart is ruined when I remember that the only reason RevCam is at Simon's apartment is to weasel information out of him, and not because he cares about helping Simon through whatever difficult situation he's in.
Back from commercial, RevCam says it's time to get back home. That was a quick visit, but not too quick for RevCam to miss getting in some digs at Simon for having premarital sex with lots of girls. We also learn that RevCam justified his visit to Simon by lying that he had to visit a family in the area for his ministerial duties. Simon asks RevCam if he talked to Matt lately, and lies he left that message for Matt because he was having a problem with his calculus class. He asks RevCam what, exactly, was the nature of his visit to that nearby family. In a very impressive display of on-the-spot lying, a skill no doubt honed through years of experience, RevCam lies that the family had a "surprise wedding" because one of them got pregnant, just like Simon almost had to do because of all the evil sex he has. Simon accuses RevCam of lying. RevCam lies that he isn't lying, then says that Simon is real liar here, and he really wants to know what trouble Simon is in. He asks if Simon made up that whole story about Kirstie Alley being fat to deflect the CamRents' attention away from his troubles. Simon admits that he did, in fact, lie about Kirstie Alley, but it was to deflect attention away from Mary's troubles, not his own. RevCam asks Simon to tell him what is really going on with Mary.
If you've got a crap heart like RevCam, please don't read any further, because I have something to tell you that is quite shocking indeed: a character on this show is leaving a message on someone's answering machine. It's Kevin, and he's telling Carlos all about how Kirstie Alley is fat and what time is it in New York City right now, anyway? How rude are the Camdens to call a newly single father in the middle of the night like that? That's worse than my granddad, who has been known to call my parents at like seven or eight on a weekend morning. At least my granddad has an excuse, that being that he's eighty and he lives in England, and sometimes figuring out the time zones is tricky. ["Also, grandparents do this. My grandma's favorite time to phone me for a chat when I was in college was at 8 AM on Sunday mornings." -- Sars] Kevin hangs up, and Lucy asks him when Simon will find out if "his girlfriend passed along her little problem to him." We find out that Prof. Slut has an STD, and Simon is freaking that she may have passed it on to him. Well, that was worth all the build-up, wasn't it? Excuse me for sounding bitter, but I was really hoping that Prof. Slut told Simon that she was actually a he, which would have explained his reaction a lot better. I really don't understand why he was so upset about the possibility of having an STD, especially when most of them are very easily curable, especially on college campuses. Or so I've been told. I guess if Prof. Slut had AIDS, that would make sense, except that this show probably believes that AIDS is a gay disease, and gay people don't even exist on this show, so therefore, AIDS does not exist on this show. Or maybe Prof. Slut has herpes, except that Kevin says that Simon will get his test results back in a few days, and herpes isn't something you can find out if you have or not if it's only been a few days since the possible transmission. In fact, I don't know that ANY STD is. It usually takes a little longer than that for it to reach levels that will show up on a test, doesn't it? Anyway, I don't even know why I'm questioning this, seeing as how ridiculous it is that Prof. Slut would have sex with someone while infected with an STD and then tell him about AFTER the fact, like, either you want him to know about it beforehand or you don't want him to know at all, right? Why on earth would you want to expose someone to something and then admit that you knowingly did so, unless you're a two-dimensional fictional character whose sole purpose it is to Teach Us A Lesson?
Lucy says they have to tell RevCam about Simon's possible STD. NO, LUCY, YOU DON'T. In fact, Kevin shouldn't even have told Lucy. And she shouldn't be this interested! I would say something about what I would do if I were Lucy and Simon was my brother, but I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT BECAUSE I AM NORMAL. Anyway, Kevin's rational subroutine appears to be working correctly this week, because he tells Lucy that this is Simon's business and he can take care of it himself. "What are the facts?" Lucy Joe Fridays. Either she doesn't know anything about STDs, which is just great with her being a teen sex minister teacher and all, or she just wants to know more about Simon's wang issues. I'm not sure which option is worse, but it doesn't really matter, as Lucy won't be getting much by way of facts anyway, since no one will ever actually specify which STD Simon may have caught. Lucy asks what they can do for Simon. She was probably thinking about something along the lines of a chastity belt, but Kevin says that she can pray for Simon (I really, really want to see God's reaction when Lucy asks him to prevent her brother from getting herpes) and he'll have a man-to-man talk with Simon. He thinks he needs to have another talk with Ruthie, too. Yeah, his insistence on having these repeated informative chats with Ruthie about sex are beyond creepy at this point.
Martin and Ruthie play a rousing (and sinless!) game of "Go Fish" in the kitchen. We hear a loud crashing noise off-screen (come on, bored sound effects team! That would have been the PERFECT place for a slide whistle!), and then, five minutes later, Ruthie says she heard something outside. She sends Martin to investigate (please let it be Kevin holding his gun, please please please!) and he opens the back door to reveal...Mac. Mac enters the kitchen, takes a seat to Ruthie, and starts in with the charming sympathetic ear act. He tells Ruthie that he knows about divorce, having parents who did it. Evil, horrible parents. Ruthie says Mary is a "long way" from divorce, although when you move out on your husband and child for a "hiatus from reality," it kinda seems to me like you're not all that far away from divorce. Just look at Matt and PC, whose separation led to their secret divorce last season. There's another knock at the door, and it's Vincent, who wants to tell Ruthie that neither Mac nor Martin thinks of Ruthie as "just like a sister." Or do they? "I know that," says Ruthie, and that's the end of that storyline. Ruthie asks Vincent if he was "hanging out" (read: hiding in the bushes and occasionally peering into the CamPound through an open window) in the backyard to see how long Martin stayed in the CamPound, and Vincent freely admits that he was. Martin makes a "what a weirdo!" face that isn't quite so effective when you consider that the person making it has a crush on the girl he's been referring to as "like a sister" for this entire season.
The phone rings. Ruthie wonders who is calling at such a late hour. Maybe it's Carlos, now that he's awake from the constant ringing in his house all night long. Lucy and Kevin run downstairs and also wonder who is calling. Everyone stands around for five minutes, and then it occurs to Ruthie that when phones ring and you want to know who is on the other end of them, it's more effective to actually answer the phone than it is to sit around and have a conference about it. By now the phone has stopped ringing, so everyone wonders who picked it up. Oh my god, even dead people are more proactive than this! Suddenly, Annie runs downstairs with a big, crazy smile on her face and puts her claws on Ruthie's shoulders as she says that she's happy to see everyone together. This immediately alerts everyone that Something Is Wrong. Annie explains that RevCam just called, and in the five seconds he had to talk, he managed to tell Annie that he went to visit Simon and he's coming back and everyone is to eat waffles and wait up for him. Apparently, RevCam and Annie used to eat waffles when they were staying up and waiting for Matt, Mary, and Lucy to come home from their dates. We've never heard about this before, and in earlier seasons, there were plenty of times when we saw Annie and RevCam waiting up for their kids, and they were never eating waffles. You know who probably eats a lot of waffles though? Kirstie Alley. Mac says he'd love a waffle, but everyone else would rather go to bed. Annie says this is not an option, as she explains while hovering over Ruthie and playing with her hair in a show of dominance that RevCam wants everyone in the kitchen eating some goddamn waffles when he gets home. Vincent says he'll be staying as long as Martin and Mac do, as if those two would just be jumping Ruthie's bones in the middle of the kitchen if he weren't there to protect her. ["I just threw up in my mouth." -- Sars]
Simon and Matt are on the phone. Matt lectures Simon about casual sex and its "miserable" consequences. "You're really not ready for that kind of relationship," Matt lectures to Simon, as if he was just the picture of maturity when he married PC on his first date and then was afraid to tell his parents about it. Simon tells Matt that he told RevCam that Kirstie Alley could face some serious consequences of her own if she doesn't try to slim down, like diabetes or heart trouble, so that he wouldn't have to tell him about the STD. Matt is pissed that Simon thought covering Mary's ass was important enough to lie to the CamRents, but not more important than keeping his own news about the STD from them.
Everyone is sitting around the kitchen table eating waffles. RevCam arrives. How the hell far away is Simon's school? Because originally, we were led to believe that it was, like, a day's drive away, but now it seems like it's just down the street. Anyway, Mac and Vincent take off when they see RevCam, as people are often wont to do, and RevCam says he's very glad everyone waited up for him, like they had a choice. Well, Kevin and Lucy have a choice. They could, oh, I don't know, MOVE OUT. "I made waffles!" Annie reports, handing him a plate. Don't worry about the consequences RevCam's heart will face for eating late-night snacks, however, because I'll bet it just stopped in utter defeat when he said this little gem of a line: "Waffles. Goes so well with the truth." Then he grabs the syrup, so I guess that goes well with the truth too.
After the commercial, Martin leaves the kitchen. Annie says she won't be going to New York anymore, now that she knows about Kirstie Alley. See, now, this actually would have been a GOOD place to for the Mary's Terrible Secret Exposition, because it would have made for good drama to see Annie's reaction to it. Or, it would have if this show weren't so badly written and Catherine Hicks weren't so weird. But, of course, it all occurs during the commercial break, while the unnecessary exposition runs rampant throughout the show. Suddenly, it occurs to everyone that Carlos might not even know that Mary has left him. I guess they're basing this ridiculous assumption on Matt, who still doesn't know that PC has left him even though it's been a year. He just thinks she isn't home because she's on rotation. And all her stuff is gone because of some weird Jewish ritual to give everything you own away. And she doesn't talk to him when she does see him because she has a bad sore throat. And she's been spending a lot of time with the hunky resident lately for tutoring purposes. And those papers he signed that said "Dissolution of Marriage" were just part of their chemistry lab about solutions and solvents. RevCam wonders if Mary even actually left Carlos; maybe she just moved to a different city to advance herself in her job. Yeah, I guess jetBlue's advanced classes on drink disbursement and disposal aren't held in New York City. RevCam says they should just talk to Mary. The kids say she won't return their phone calls. Ha! Mary rules. Lucy asks RevCam if Simon talked to him about anything else when RevCam was there. Kevin covers for her gaffe quickly, then takes her off to bed before she can do any more damage. He should just do that in the beginning of every episode. Ruthie leaves as well.
RevCam and Annie can't believe Mary left her husband. "She'll come around," says Annie, adding that maybe this isn't serious. "We had a lot of arguments, but you never left," says RevCam. "Well, I did," Annie says. My god, these people communicate so freaking badly that they don't even know when one of them walks out on the other one! Annie says that "every mom" needs to have some time away from her family. Maybe Mary has late-onset postpartum depression or something. Or not, since we all know this show would never have a storyline that has the potential to be touching and informational. RevCam and Annie decide not to talk to Carlos about this, in case he doesn't know. Annie will lie to Carlos about why she can't go to New York, because lying is good when the CamRents do it, but BAD when other people do it. Thanks for the consistent lesson there, 7th Heaven! RevCam says that if a couple months go by and nothing changes with Mary and Carlos, he and Annie will go to New York and talk to Carlos. How much do you want to bet that by "a couple months," they really mean "a couple minutes"? It's none of their business, regardless of how long, especially considering Mary obviously does not want them to know. Fortunately, I doubt they'll ever get to New York, since Mary probably won't be too eager to give them those free plane tickets.
Hey, did you know that RevCam is a minister? He's on his way out to bore his congregation to death when his office phone rings. It's Simon. RevCam tells him to feel free to come home anytime for a "lecture-free" weekend. This, of course, is a lie, but since RevCam is telling it, it's okay. Simon says he needs to talk to RevCam, although not now since RevCam has to do his sermon. He'll just call later. Then...why call right now at all, Simon? No one on this show is capable of rational thought, I swear to God. RevCam says that Simon can just talk to him now and he can be late to deliver his sermon, since the congregation is pretty much on auto-pilot anyway. I hope we can hear the cheers off-screen when everyone realizes that they won't be subjected to RevCam this week. The sound effects team can feel free to use that "bo-oi-oing" spring sound effect in lieu of this, if they prefer. Simon says he has to tell RevCam something. RevCam says that whatever Simon says, RevCam will always love him. Unless, of course, Simon's name is Mary.