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Simon and Matt are home. Simon wants Matt to prescribe him some birth control pills, but Matt won't do it because he isn't a real doctor. That, and the fact that he doesn't approve of Simon having premarital sex, so he wants to make it as unsafe for the kid as possible. So Simon calls Matt out on getting married just to have sex, which was awesome, and then the two have a fight, prompting every guy in the CamPound (except for SamVid) to all think that someone is breaking in and wield defensive instruments of varying degrees of ridiculousness, from frying pan (very ridiculous) to gun (not ridiculous). Kevin's insistence on having a gun in the house introduces a plot point that isn't really resolved in this episode, so whatever.
Meanwhile, the women talk about whether or not marrying to have sex is such a great idea. One point against it is Mary, who has some Big Secret that everyone knows about except for the CamRents. For their part, the CamRents suspect that Simon is the one with the Big Secret, it being that his girlfriend is pregnant. The CamRents' suspicions are good enough for all the CamKids, who start talking about Simon and his sinful deeds, while Simon gets lectured at by Martin about the bad effects of premarital sex on the innocent women who apparently lack the ability to make up their own minds about it. In the end, RevCam calls a big family meeting (from which SamVid are absent, as they have probably drowned in the bathtub) and gets to the bottom of everything, including Kevin and Lucy's stupid C-plot about how they're not moving out because Kevin went and sold his house back to the original owners, who are having all sorts of problems now that their evil daughter had evil premarital sex and got pregnant. It turns out that RevCam doesn't know everything, though; he thinks Mary's Big Secret is that she's pregnant, but that was just a lie Simon told him to cover up the truth, which is not revealed to us. We end with the CamSibs agreeing that Mary is the evilest one. All is as it should be. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
We open on Kevin and Lucy's mansion. Kevin pulls to the curb, because why would you pull into the driveway of the house you own, and finds an old man hanging out in his front yard. Maybe it's Irving's dad. Kevin introduces himself to the trespasser, providing both his first and last name, and asks him what he wants. The old guy, "Milton Madison," who asks to be called "Milt," but who I'm going to call M&M, because of his initials and because I like the candy, says he was the owner of the house, and he's noticed that Kevin has been letting the landscaping go. You might find it rude of someone to offer unsolicited "constructive" criticism like that, but one thing I've learned this week is that it's actually a totally awesome and helpful thing to do, and if the person who is getting the "politely worded" criticism takes exception to it, then that person is just a hypocritical Nazi bitch. Fortunately for him, Kevin is not offended by M&M's remarks, or else he'd have to deal with some increasingly hostile and personal attacks from M&M, who would be completely correct to do so.
Because you usually have to be pretty self-absorbed to think that your personal opinions and criticisms are so important that they must be displayed publicly and often, M&M starts talking about himself. He says he has one child, a daughter named Sally. Her story is quite sad, so try to keep your emotions in check as I relate it to you. Apparently, Sally is a "professional" type of woman who is "more interested in career than family." M&M and his wife finally gave up on their daughter ever settling down, so they decided to move as far away from the Old Maid as they possibly could in the CamVerse -- a condo in Florida. Just to spite them, I think, Sally went and got pregnant -- and, M&M is careful to point out, just got married so everything will be legit. Now he wishes he hadn't sold their house, because he wants to be closer to his soon-to-be grandchild. I'm sure the fact that his condo got destroyed by Hurricane Poetic Justice, rendering him and his wife homeless (since, as we'll see, it's just so goddamn difficult to rent an apartment), had nothing to do with his desire to get his old house back. Kevin does his "I'm thinking now" eye squint.
Simon comes home and is much friendlier to his mother than I would have been after what she pulled last week. The CamRents ask why Simon is coming home so unexpectedly, and Simon says he wanted some "family time." He also wanted someone to do his laundry for him, and Annie is all too happy to oblige, even though last week all she did was bitch about having to do laundry. RevCam quietly remarks that he just wants his kids to live on their own, which is a total lie. But even if it wasn't, Simon's just visiting from school for weekend. He's not quite at the Lucy level of parental dependency. Give him a break. Simon is chagrined to discover that he no longer has a bedroom in the CamPound, but RevCam thinks that could serve as a good excuse for finally getting Lucy and Kevin to move out of the house. His face half-cloaked in darkness even though it's supposed to be sunny outside, Simon says that Matt is supposed to be home this weekend as well, as his "thing" is over. Simon adds that seeing Matt was one of the reasons why he came home. He leaves to put his stuff on the couch. RevCam and Annie are suspicious. Actually, only RevCam is suspicious. Annie just thinks that Simon wants to see Matt because he loves his brother. Which would be a perfectly reasonable assumption, were this a normal family.
The Opening Credits Timewaster has never been more thrilling as Simon sets up the couch for the night. Oh, and it looks like Mr. Barry Watson will be directing tonight's episode. Here's to hoping he does a better job at it than the last cast member to direct! Although I don't think it could be much worse. Simon picks up a phone and calls Annie2. We only hear Simon's side of their conversation, but that's enough to figure out that Annie2 is thrilled to be staying in Simon's apartment while he's gone because she wants to move in with him. Simon says that would be wrong, but not so wrong that they can't spend Sunday night together when he gets back to campus.
Simon gets off the phone when Matt enters the living room. I hope that when Matt becomes a real doctor, he is able to find a cure for that bad case of self-righteousness he has as he lectures Simon about being involved in yet another sexual relationship, especially after the whole Georgia fake pregnancy thing. Simon says he's in love with Annie2. Matt tells him that he isn't, as if Matt knows anything about being in love. Simon says he wanted to see Matt this weekend for a birth control prescription for Annie2, so that what happened with Georgia won't happen again. I hope he isn't planning to rely solely on the BC, because on this show, it's more likely that you'll get pregnant if you're taking it than not. Simon explains that Annie2 can't go to the school health clinic because her dad is its head doctor. But is he the only doctor? Because if not, then I don't know why Annie2 can't just go to the doctor there who ISN'T her father. Or she could skip the campus clinic entirely and just go to the local Planned Parenthood and get a prescription there. Or she could see her gynecologist at home, who I'm betting is not her father (although you never know with this show) and get them from him or her. Hell, Simon and Annie2 could drive down to Mexico and get them there without even really having a prescription, if what I read in the Rolling Stone from my hairstylist's waiting area is true. The point is, there are so many ways to get birth control, and all of them are preferable to asking your brother -- who isn't even a real doctor -- to get you some. They'd work a lot better too, as Matt says that even if he wanted to help Simon out -- which he doesn't, because premarital sex is WRONG -- he isn't allowed to write prescriptions. Annoyed at Matt's constant disapproval of his swingin' sex life, Simon says he doesn't want to get married just to have sex, like Matt did. Matt says that he got married because he was in love. Simon laughs at that. Yeah, Simon! It's about time someone on this show actually called the CamKids out on the folly of entering an unhappy marriage just to remain chaste and keep their parents happy!
Matt hates hearing the truth, so he menacingly tells Simon not to forget that he's still Matt's "little" brother. Simon says he's not so little anymore. Matt says Simon can be a big as he wants, but he's still stupid. Simon responds that he's smart enough not to get married just to have sex. The two start fighting on an armchair, and I'm shocked to see something resembling realism on this show. It's quickly destroyed, however, when Kevin, wearing a t-shirt and boxers, enters the scene and orders them to stop fighting. Upon seeing Kevin, Matt and Simon jump up, screaming. The Savannah crying sound effect loop starts up as Matt yells at Kevin for waving his gun around their house. Since Barry Watson's masterful directing did not include a close-up of Kevin holding his actual gun, and Kevin's boxers kind of bag out in the middle, I thought that Matt was telling Kevin to put a more metaphorical gun away. Gross.
Kevin apologizes for exposing his gun, but says he when he heard them fighting downstairs, he thought someone might be breaking in. This is just ridiculous. If I lived in a house with like fifteen other people and a dog and I heard a noise downstairs, I wouldn't think twice, let alone actually get out of bed to check it out. Especially if it was, like it's supposed to be at the CamPound, before midnight, when most people are still walking around downstairs. Kevin leaves to tend to the baby, and Matt and Simon resume their heated discussion about sex and marriage. Simon maintains that he doesn't want to get married young like his brother and sisters did. "I'm happily married," Matt claims as his nose grows and grows. He adds that Lucy is happily married as well. Yeah, to a man who keeps a gun in a house (that isn't his) with young children (two of whom aren't his) without even asking the young children's parents' permission to do so beforehand. Simon doesn't use either of these arguments, however, instead asking Matt if he's heard the news about Mary. Matt nods sadly. Oh, good! We haven't had nice round of Mary-bashing since, like, three episodes ago when we heard that Mary wasn't even good at breastfeeding.
Upstairs, RevCam is puttering around the hallway. Kevin walks by, his gun hanging limply down his boxer shorts. The sight of it startles RevCam so much that he lets out a barely audible "whoo." He gets over his shock when Kevin tells him he broke up a fight between Simon and Matt, asking what it was about. Kevin says he doesn't really know. Not knowing everything about everyone makes RevCam angry, and he takes it out on Kevin by telling him not to keep his gun in the CamPound. Kevin doesn't understand why RevCam is requesting this; if someone was really breaking into the house, RevCam would call the police, and then they'd show up with their guns anyway, so really, Kevin is saving everyone time here by cutting out the middleman. I don't really have an opinion about keeping guns in your house one way or the way here, but I think it's extremely rude of Kevin to not even ASK if he could keep a gun in a house with one inhabitant who has actually been shot before and two very dim and curious young children who can't even figure out proper underwear application procedures, let alone gun safety. Kevin says he keeps his gun and bullets securely locked and hidden away separately, so there's no need to worry. RevCam says that Kevin is free to do whatever he wants with his gun in the privacy of his own home, but as long as he insists on living in the CamPound, he has to leave the gun outside. Starting right now.
Kevin handled, RevCam runs downstairs to spy on his sons, tiptoeing around to preserve the most optimum overhearing conditions. He finds Matt and Simon sleeping on the couches and not whispering about anything RevCam wants to hear, so he rudely wakes them up and asks if anyone wants to have some of the pie that Annie was trying to save for tomorrow. Dude, I would not touch that pie. If it doesn't have whatever poison Annie is currently trying out to murder her family with, you'd still be killed when Annie found out that you ate her precious pie before you were supposed to. She'd rip you apart, limb from limb. And then she'd make a new, open-crust pie with a filling made of your body parts, and put it on the kitchen table to serve as a warning to the rest of the house. I don't know anyone would be so freaked out about having a gun around when they have Crazy Annie to worry about.
RevCam eventually gets the hint that no one wants to share pie with him, and he walks into the kitchen alone. Upon entering it, he suddenly becomes very nervous, probably because he hears the Violins of Suspense and knows something bad is going to happen. And it does -- suddenly, Ruthie, hidden behind the open refrigerator door, slams the door shut as loudly as she possibly can. RevCam jumps about five feet in the air but, unfortunately, does not die of a heart attack. He scolds Ruthie for sneaking around when her father has a bad heart, to which Ruthie laughs out a "sorry." She doesn't seem very sorry. In fact, it looks like she really enjoyed herself there, although she would have enjoyed herself a lot more had she succeeded in her mission to destroy her father's heart.
Kevin runs downstairs and looks disappointed when he sees that it's just Ruthie and RevCam making all that noise. I guess he would have rather faced some burglars. Who wouldn't? RevCam takes this opportunity to lecture Kevin about having a gun in the house again. Kevin says his gun is now safely put away in a "lockbox." Between Kevin and Al Gore, it seems like lockboxes are all the rage with robots these days. Anyway, RevCam says he doesn't care if the gun is in a lockbox; if it's in the house, it has to go. Kevin leaves to take care of it. I just don't understand where RevCam thought Kevin was storing his gun this whole time. He never seemed to have a problem when Kevin walked around the house, in uniform with his gun on his belt, before.
RevCam can't get enough bothering people, so he starts needling Ruthie about what she's doing up so late. Ruthie says she was up talking to Vincent on the phone. They had a "phone date." Uh oh! I hope Ruthie didn't have any premarital phone sex! RevCam is alarmed to hear that Ruthie's phone date lasted four hours. Kevin walks through the kitchen with his lockbox. Ruthie says she and Vincent have a lot to talk about since they don't really know each other, unlike RevCam and Annie, who have probably said all there is to say to each other by now. Have they, though? I don't think I've ever actually seen RevCam and Annie carry on a civil conversation, let alone a pleasant exchange of ideas and thoughts. Ruthie says she and Vincent were talking about being married (and not a moment too soon! They've been dating for what, two weeks? And Ruthie is pushing sixteen!) and how you must get sick of saying the same things over and over again. I guess you would, if you weren't as in love with the sound of your own voice as the Camdens are. RevCam tells Ruthie not to talk on the phone for four hours anymore. I'd just like to point out that I've never known a straight guy Vincent's age who was willing to talk on the phone for more than, like, ten minutes at a time. Or do the can-can with the entire varsity baseball team.
Kevin puts his lockbox in the trunk of his car. He closes the trunk, only to find a bat-brandishing Martin running towards him. Sadly, Martin realizes it's Kevin before he hits him. He apologizes for scaring Kevin there, but he heard noise in the garage and assumed there was a burglar. Kevin says he was putting his gun away, to which Martin scolds him for wandering around with it in the middle of the night. Suddenly, RevCam bursts into the garage, screaming and wielding a frying pan. Like, did he forget that he JUST SAW Kevin leaving the house three seconds ago, so whatever noise he heard outside would obviously be Kevin? And is running and screaming and holding a frying pan over one's head REALLY the best way to ward off an intruder? No wonder RevCam got shot back in Season Three! He's got the self-preservation instincts of a lemming. Kevin takes a second to laugh at RevCam's sucky weapon, which probably isn't even non-stick, then storms out, leaving RevCam to tell Martin that if he's so scared in the garage, maybe he should move back into the CamPound. And sleep where, exactly? All the bedrooms and couches are currently occupied. I guess there's some room on the CamRents' bed if…oh. Let's move on.
Matt wanders into the kitchen and sees an open back door. The Violins of Suspense play as Matt goes to check it out. Are we supposed to think that Matt is any sort of mortal danger here? WE KNOW that RevCam is the person who left that door open, not some random guy who broke into the house. This will all pay off, however, if someone actually does end up harming someone with the defensive weapon of their choice. It will pay off tenfold if the person being harmed is Lucy. RevCam enters the house and startles Matt, but no one manages to hurt anyone. Lame! Although I have to say that I really like how this episode is subtly implying that the Camdens are a frightening group of people. RevCam says he wants Kevin and his big gun out of the CamPound, but he hopes that Kevin doesn't keep his gun inside his new house whenever he finally moves there. Matt agrees, citing his medical experience with gunshot wounds as evidence that guns are bad. RevCam asks Matt what he and Simon were arguing about earlier. Matt says he should tell RevCam what's going on, "but…" "But…?" asks RevCam. And then we go to commercial, because cutting people off in mid-sentence makes for good drama.
RevCam gets back in bed and tells Annie just happened in the past twenty minutes of the show. Unlike RevCam, Annie is thrilled that Ruthie spent four hours on the phone with her boyfriend. RevCam says Matt wouldn't tell him anything about Simon, other than that Simon is making "bad decisions." Bad decisions like marrying someone he's known for less than twenty-four hours? Annie wonders why Simon and Georgia broke up, and orders RevCam to ask Matt about it. She adds that she doesn't like how Simon goes from one woman to the , although she was never that upset about it when Lucy did that for, like, six seasons. And I don't understand why she's apparently unhappy about Simon and Georgia breaking up, when she obviously hated Georgia in the first place. Maybe she's just angry that Annie2 didn't follow that awesome musical advice she gave her last week. Annie continues to wonder aloud about Simon and his ladies, and RevCam keeps dropping the "shut UP" hint by saying "yeah, whatever, good night" in response to everything she says. Eventually, he just falls asleep in her face. Annie gets out of bed and throws her robe on. RevCam wakes up and asks her where she's going. Annie replies that she can't sleep until she finds out what's going on with their kids.
Kevin gets back into bed. He tells Lucy he wants to talk to her, and Lucy is thrilled because she thinks he wants to tell her what Matt and Simon were arguing about, like, first of all, why does she care that much, and second of all, what makes her think Kevin does, too? He doesn't, as it turns out, saying he wanted to talk about moving. Lucy lies that she wants to move soon. Kevin says there's a problem with that. He tries to say what that problem is, but Lucy keeps interrupting him and telling him to "spit it out." Finally, Kevin says he sold their house back to M&M. At first, Lucy is pissed that Kevin didn't ask her about this, but then says it's okay because she didn't want to move yet anyway. Yeah, big surprise. Kevin says RevCam and Annie won't be as pleased as Lucy is. Lucy says the CamRents like having Kevin and Lucy around; they just don't like Kevin's gun. And yet, I recall RevCam saying that he wanted them all to move out. Lucy really needs to stop kidding herself that people like her. Lucy and Kevin have a brief and pointless "guns don't kill people, people kill people." "People with guns" argument, and then Kevin says something about being armed with a taser. Kinky! He says he'll keep his gun in his car until they move out, but if anyone steals his car, they'll get his gun too. And if they break into the house, which, judging by the Camdens' reactions to the quietest noises outside, is a very real concern in this neighborhood, they'll also get the gun, so I'm not sure I see a difference here. Kevin says they should wait until the CamRents get the "Mary bad news" before they tell them that they're not moving out, so their bad news won't seem so bad. Lucy says she was hoping Mary's bad news would go away before the CamRents find out about it.
We find Annie in the attic, having girl talk with Ruthie. Annie isn't sure if Ruthie should have a boyfriend whose parents don't know how to parent, as if she's some sort of paragon of parenting virtue. Ruthie says Vincent wouldn't try to have a "physical relationship" with her, which I completely believe, based on Vincent's tendencies to wear eye shadow and jump into the arms of the nearest baseball team. Annie frowns and tells Ruthie that she had better be older and married before she has a "physical relationship." How exactly does this show define a "physical relationship," anyway? It seems to me that any relationship with any sort of physical intimacy, which includes kissing, would constitute this. We know that kissing is okay and sex is BAD, but what about everything in between? For all the storylines and dialogue I have to listen to this show waste on the subject, they leave it remarkably undefined.
Lucy invites herself in. The three ladies wonder what's going on with Simon, because that's important. I really need to spend more weekend nights sitting around wondering what could possibly be going on with my brother. I must not love him or something. Lucy warns Ruthie about getting "too close, too fast" to Vincent. She adds that she just realized that her husband is a "gun freak," and as ridiculous as it is that RevCam had no idea that Kevin was keeping his gun in the house, it's much more so that Lucy didn't. Annie agrees with me, asking what Lucy expected when she married a cop. Lucy looks around the attic and says she "misses" living there. Ruthie takes this to mean that Lucy misses being single as well. Honestly, I think Lucy's just trying to score the attic room for herself and Kevin and Savannah. Lucy rather unconvincingly says she's happy being a mother and a wife. Ruthie asks Lucy if she would get married and pregnant before graduating college over again if she could. Lucy won't answer that. I guess married sex isn't as great as she claimed it was. Lucy tries to deflect the attention off of her by asking Annie why she married RevCam so young. Annie says she was in love. "And you wanted to…?" asks Lucy, as she and Ruthie exchange knowing looks. They both seem pretty thrilled to be talking about their parents having sex. Annie quickly says she won't be sharing that information with her children, and leaves.
Ruthie tells Lucy to move the hell out the CamPound already. Lucy agrees, then asks if Ruthie is trying to get rid of her. Lucy really needs to take a hint that her family does not like her very much. Ruthie says she wishes Mary was there so that three of them could hang out like those old times I don't think were ever actually shown on television. Lucy agrees, then asks Ruthie why she's bringing up Mary. Ruthie says she was talking to Mary recently about getting married to have sex, and if she had any regrets about that. Lucy asks what Mary said. "Have you talked to Mary lately?" asks Ruthie. Are we seriously going to have a storyline about Mary, who isn't on this show anymore? God, we are.
I'm rather disappointed to see a daytime establishing shot of the CamPound. I was kind of hoping this whole episode would take place at night, and consist of characters scaring the crap out of each other. That would have been fun. Oh well. Simon enters the garage and asks to use Martin's shower. Bamp chicka wah wah! Martin says Simon can use his shower, and asks him how college is going. Simon takes this comment to mean that Martin knows about how Simon is having sex now. Martin makes a deer caught in headlights expression when Simon starts talking about sex, because Martin is really weird. He says he hadn't heard any family gossip about Simon's virginity, although he "suspected" Simon had lost it. Don't ask me what Simon was doing to make Martin suspect anything. Anyway, says Martin, now that he does know for sure, can Simon give him some "relationship advice?" Martin is a bit confused about what it means to receive advice, however, because he just starts lecturing Simon about having premarital sex, which Martin won't be doing because his DAD is a SOLDIER in IRAQ. Martin condescendingly asks Simon how he can live with himself for having sex with women he doesn't intend to marry. Simon says he can live with himself just fine, since he and the women have a mutual understanding about what their relationship is. Martin says this seems "cold." Simon says this seems "healthy." Martin asks Simon how he would feel if Ruthie was involved with in a purely physical relationship with some guy. Why must every conversation about sex always go back to RUTHIE? Which staff writer is this freaking obsessed with Ruthie's sex life, and can the police launch an investigation into this? Simon says they aren't talking about his sister. Martin says that all of Simon's girlfriends are someone's sister or daughter. I think we should figure out who Ruthie's parents actually are before we worry about Simon's girlfriends' parents, but that's just my opinion. Point made, Martin raises his huge eyebrows and smirks smugly. And he has every right to, as he made some really great points there, except that Georgia was an only child and, as she said, her parents didn't have a problem with her having premarital sex. And as for Simon's relationships with women not being healthy, I would say that they're a lot healthier than those marriages Simon's sisters and brother are stuck in because they were so desperate to have sex that they committed to a lifelong relationship with people they really didn't know or like.
RevCam stops Matt from running out the door to his important doctorly duties. He asks Matt what he and Simon were fighting about, apparently thinking that Matt's decision not to tell him anything last night has now been reversed. Matt tells RevCam to ask Simon himself, and leaves. Annie suddenly appears in the kitchen and wonders if Simon and Annie2 are having sex. RevCam says he really hopes not. Annie wonders why Simon would ask Matt about whatever problem he's having. RevCam points out that Matt is "almost" an OB/GYN. It does not occur to the CamRents that Simon might just want to get Matt's advice because he's his older brother. Annie and RevCam make faces at each other.
Ruthie and her very unflattering horizontal striped shirt enter Lucy and Kevin's room. Kevin and Lucy are seated on their bed, staring forward. At first I thought maybe Kevin was just out of batteries, but then he starts to speak. He tells Ruthie that he sold the house. Ruthie's negative emotional reaction to this news causes Lucy to realize that there might be an ulterior motive in Ruthie's concern about her housing situation. Ruthie deflects suspicion nicely by saying that she was just "so happy" for them and their new house. Lucy totally falls for it. Ruthie then orders Kevin and Lucy to buy a new house immediately because the CamRents will "crack" if they find out that Kevin and Lucy aren't moving out. Has Ruthie seen her parents lately? They've been cracked for a long time already. Kevin says that Lucy seems to be the only person who isn't aware that they have worn out their CamPound welcome. It makes sense, though, when you consider the fact that Lucy's welcome has probably been worn out for, like, twenty years, so why would she suddenly realize it now?
RevCam enters, having heard Kevin say they should just go ahead and tell the CamRents and get it over with. RevCam, however, thinks that Kevin is talking about whatever Simon's problem is. You'd think that with all his spying experience, RevCam wouldn't make rookie mistakes like not hearing the first part of what his victims are talking about. Kevin, Lucy, and Ruthie say they have no idea what's wrong with Simon. "Simon's in trouble?" Ruthie says in a laughable attempt to act alarmed. RevCam changes the subject and asks Lucy and Kevin when they're going to check out the new house. Spineless Coward Lucy chooses to lie to RevCam instead of tell him that the new house is no more. RevCam leaves. Lucy orders Ruthie to go spy on the CamRents and find out what Simon's problem is.
Ruthie is surprised to find that SamVid have already beaten her to the spying- from-the-staircase punch. They tell her that they heard that Simon's girlfriend is pregnant. Now how, exactly, did they figure that out? All RevCam said to imply this was that Matt was almost an OB/GYN. Am I supposed to believe that the twins, who are barely capable of clear speech, know what an OB/GYN specializes in?
Ruthie runs back upstairs and bursts into Kevin and Lucy's room. She tells them that Simon is having a baby. I love how everyone says that Simon is having a baby, as if he is actually pregnant. I wouldn't put it past Brenda to write a cautionary storyline about how premarital sex can cause men to become pregnant, either. In hilariously creepy low lighting that makes his eyes look like black holes, RevCam puts his ear to the door and overhears Ruthie saying that Simon is having a baby. He also hears Lucy put forth her brilliant plan to wait until the CamRents hear about Mary's bad news, which could be even worse than Simon's, and then they'll tell them their bad news, which the CamRents won't even care about in comparison to Mary and Simon. RevCam sighs sadly and walks away. I guess the lesson here is, if you don't want to hear things that will upset you, don't skulk around outside people's doorways and listen in on their private conversations.
Annie is waiting for RevCam in the kitchen. Surprisingly, she hasn't tried to bake anything in his absence. He runs in and tells her that Simon is indeed having a baby. The only difference between this show and Three's Company is that Three's Company acknowledged the existence of homosexuality. Which means that a twenty-five-year-old show that spoke about homosexuality in rather disparaging terms is actually more progressive than this one.
Post-commercial, RevCam paces the living room nervously. Matt comes in and RevCam says he needs to talk to him about Simon, without Simon there. RevCam asks Matt how long he's known that Simon and his girlfriend are pregnant. Matt just laughs at this, and says he's "certain" Simon's girlfriend isn't pregnant. RevCam snots that maybe Matt is the last person to know, which is just stupid, because this whole house of pregnant cards is based on Simon telling Matt about his pregnant girlfriend. Kevin and Lucy enter the room. RevCam orders them to talk to him, and asks what they know about Simon. Matt says everyone should just stop talking about Simon until Simon is actually there to defend himself. This will be the only time I ever agree with Matt. RevCam says Annie and Ruthie should be there too, as Simon's premarital sex concerns the entire family.
Simon and Ruthie are in the kitchen. Simon asks for the location of all family members. Ruthie provides him with this, saying that the twins are taking an unsupervised bath "while there's still hot water." They will either drown or boil. Or both. Simon says he wants to talk to Ruthie now that they're alone. First, he reveals that he is not a virgin. Ruthie says she totally knew that because it was "pretty obvious." What, was she hiding in Simon's bedroom closet watching him have sex with Georgia like she did to the CamRents? Because otherwise, I don't see how it's obvious. Simon says he wants Ruthie to know that he has now realized that what he did was a mistake, but there is a lot of pressure on guys to have sex, as well as a lot of girls who will give it up. Because it's always the woman's fault, isn't it? Simon says that sex is "easy to get into, and it's very difficult to get out of, once you're there." I don't think Simon is having sex correctly, y'all. ["Oh, come on, Sara. Everyone knows we have teeth Down There. When Simon says it's difficult to get out of, he means it literally. In other news, cram it, BRENDA." -- Sars] He asks Ruthie to promise him that she won't have premarital sex. Ruthie asks Simon what made him suddenly decide that sex is a mistake. Simon starts to say that he realized that the women he's been with are someone's daughters or sisters, and that Ruthie is his sister, but Ruthie interrupts and asks if Simon's girlfriend is pregnant. Before Simon can answer, RevCam, who has apparently been standing there listening to them this whole time, clears his throat and orders them both into the living room.
Simon enters the living room and asks why everyone thinks his girlfriend is pregnant. "I dunno," says Matt, sounding annoyed at the fact that he's still on this show. Ruthie says SamVid told them. Annie and RevCam enter. Annie asks Simon if his girlfriend is actually pregnant. See, this is a good example of a question someone could have asked Simon BEFORE they all started running around assuming things. Simon tells the CamRents that he thought his girlfriend was pregnant "months ago," which shocks everyone in the room because they didn't know about Georgia's fake pregnancy. "I never said a word," Matt tells Simon, all smug because, for the first time in his miserable life, he managed to keep something secret.
Simon says that his current girlfriend isn't pregnant now; he wanted to talk to Matt to get birth control so that the Georgia thing wouldn't happen again. The CamRents look at Matt, who ass-kisses that he told Simon to "cool it with indiscriminate sex." Bored with all this talk about other people, Lucy makes this all about herself and how she knew all along that Georgia couldn't be trusted. Then Ruthie announces that Simon won't be having sex with Annie2 anymore, so no one needs to worry about her getting pregnant. Simon's all, "Hold up! I will be having all the premarital sex I damn well please! But you need to stay chaste, 'kay?" Ruthie objects, accurately pointing out that what's good for the goose should also be good for the gander. Lucy demands that Simon promise Ruthie he won't have sex anymore, like siblings making sex pacts with each other isn't extremely creepy, and also like this is any of Lucy's business. It backfires on her, however, because now RevCam's attention is on her and whatever her bad news is. Kevin says he sold the house back. "Whyyyy?" RevCam says with this hilarious moan of hopeless despair. He'll never get rid of Lucy! Lucy asks her parents if they really want them to move so badly. "Well, Luce, yeah, you know, when you can," says Annie, who only a few episodes ago was just loving having Lucy and the baby around and didn't ever want them to leave. Annie says she's done with both this conversation and, more importantly, the twenty hours of work she's contractually obligated to put in every week, so she's going to leave the scene. RevCam says he'll join her in the kitchen after he asks Lucy something.
Kevin takes off to check on Savannah. He might want to check on those twins too, while he's at it. His tone becoming increasingly angry, RevCam tells the remaining kids that he heard Mary had some bad news, and he wants to know what it is. Simon starts to say something, but Matt, Lucy, and Ruthie admonish him because it's Mary's news to reveal, like that sort of thing ever stopped any of them before, or even IN THIS VERY EPISODE. His voice quavering, RevCam screams that he wants to hear Mary's bad news "RIGHT NOW, THIS VERY SECOND!" It must be so frustrating to not be able to spy on your adult children who live so far away. Maybe RevCam should put a cup in Mary's apartment and another one in the CamPound, and then attach them to each other with a three-thousand-mile-long string. Then he can spy on her to his heart's content. Simon blurts out that Mary is pregnant again. Matt, Lucy, and Ruthie add that Mary didn't want to tell the CamRents because it was too soon to make it "official." RevCam says this isn't bad news at all, and leaves to tell Annie. The second he's out the door, the siblings turn and yell at Simon for lying to RevCam about Mary's bad news. Yeah, considering the fact that they're still seated on the couch from a family discussion caused by RevCam spying on all of their conversations, you'd think they'd be a little more circumspect about where and at what volume they volunteer that information. Ruthie says they're lying to their parents to cover for Mary again, just like "old times." Right, if by "old times" she means "Season Five and on."