Annie's on the phone with Carlos. She says she's glad to hear from him, as Mary has been mysteriously out of touch lately. "Lately" being the last four seasons, of course. The CamRents have been calling and calling, but Mary never calls back. I can't imagine why, seeing as when Mary does actually talk to her family, they probably waste her cell phone minutes telling her what a stupid and horrible person she is for being the only Camden to actually maintain an independent adulthood. Annie asks Carlos to "bring [Charles] by" some weekend, as if three-thousand-mile distances are just that easy to traverse, even with the free plane tickets. Shut up, Annie. We see Ruthie standing at the bottom of the staircase, apparently spying on Annie despite the fact that she's standing in plain sight. She might want to re-take RevCam's Stalking 101 class. That said, sometimes you can overhear the juiciest stuff this way. Once, I was just standing around in my high school hallway when I overheard my English teacher telling my history teacher that she wanted to strangle me. Come to think of it, Annie reminds me of my English teacher, except that Annie dresses better and is prettier and has better hair. But enough of that; Annie starts not-so-subtly asking Carlos if there's any news, like, say, Mary being pregnant. Ruthie runs upstairs.
She finds Lucy busily engaged in her homework for her latest lesson in her Good Wifery class: bed-making. Ruthie reports that Annie is giving Carlos the "Spanish Inquisition." Is that supposed to be a reference to Carlos's ethnicity? Probably not, but it's not like this show would look any worse if they did start making racist puns. Lucy clumsily exposits that Carlos won't be telling Annie anything about Mary being pregnant, since Mary isn't actually pregnant. By the way, more than half of this episode's lines are just exposition of stuff that either happened last week or earlier in the same episode, which is even more exposition than this show usually has. I think it's because now that Brenda Hampton is dividing her time between this show and the new show that someone was stupid enough to give her, Fat Actress, her commitment to script quality has actually lessened. So, in honor of this, whenever someone says something in this episode that we already know, I'm just going to write "Kirstie Alley is fat." This is a lot shorter than writing out what the people actually say, and if Brenda Hampton can make her job easier, then I certainly can too. Onward!
Ruthie says Simon needs to take care of everything before the CamRents find out that their kids lied and they get in trouble. I love how Ruthie is more afraid of getting caught for lying than she is about whatever Mary's stupid problem is. Oh, and how Lucy even cares that she'll get in trouble when she's freaking twenty-two. Although I guess the CamRents could send Lucy to her room or take her dessert away, couldn't they? Suddenly, it occurs to Lucy that Carlos have called to tell Annie about how Mary moved out, which is the Big Bad Secret Mary had that the kids were trying to cover for last week. Nice weak-ass reveal for a revelation two weeks in the making there, Brenda. Ruthie and Lucy try think of some tangled webs they can weave so that the CamRents won't be mad at them for lying about Mary.
“ Babies wearing socks are cute and all, but the fact that we just cut away from a revelation that we invested five minutes hearing the build-up of before it happened is freaking ridiculous. Typical of this show, but still ridiculous. ”
This week's Opening Credits Timewaster is Simon cooking some gross-looking eggs in his slum apartment kitchen. If only he weren't a man, and thus incapable of cooking. Oh well! Simon makes two plates of eggs and toast, then simultaneously pours coffee and OJ into mugs. Meanwhile, an elderly woman observes. Okay, she's not "elderly," but she is definitely way older than the character she's supposed to be playing, unless Simon is such a stud that he's doing his professors now. Full tenured professors, not "assistant" or "adjunct" ones. At least he chose a brunette this time. Unfortunately, she kinda looks like Mary, so ew. Simon and Prof. Slut begin to eat breakfast. Simon's phone rings, but he refuses to answer it because he knows it's someone from his family. Sure enough, Ruthie leaves a message about how Simon has to rush home this weekend to think of "more, better, and different lies" to tell the CamRents about Mary. Simon explains to Prof. Slut about how Kirstie Alley is fat. Prof. Slut rasps that sometimes people have bad things to say and it's hard for them to say them. She continues in this vein until it's entirely obvious to everyone except Simon that she has something bad to say that is hard for her to say. She goes on that she should have told him something last night, so she "sympathizes" with Mary's situation. Simon asks if she's talking about their non-exclusive relationship, which he thought they had mutually agreed upon. I've never known a college guy who hooks up with a girl and then serves her breakfast the morning, by the way. Most girls I knew did the "Walk of Shame" on an empty stomach. Well, not entirely empty. Prof. Slut says that now that Simon has "been with" her, he's also "been with" every man she's "been with." She means indirectly, although when it comes to Simon, I tend to wonder if it's directly as well. Anyway, if Prof. Slut hems and haws any longer, I'm going to be as menopausal as she already is by the time she spits it out. Or rather, swallows. Okay, no more of that from me.
Just as Prof. Slut is about to reveal her secret, we cut to Lucy putting socks on Savannah. Babies wearing socks are cute and all, but the fact that we just cut away from a revelation that we invested five minutes hearing the build-up of before it happened is freaking ridiculous. Typical of this show, but still ridiculous. Especially when you consider the weak-ass and anticlimactic way this information is revealed later in the show. Anyway, Annie ruins a cute moment by entering the scene and making some silly faces. Then she starts fervently asserting that she loves all of her daughters, because sometimes when you don't actually feel something that you're supposed to, you lie to people that you do to try to convince yourself of it. Suddenly, Annie swings into angry mode and says she doesn't understand why Mary didn't tell her that she was pregnant again. In a rare moment of rational thinking and personal responsibility, Annie says that this is her fault because she doesn't talk to Mary enough and she never visits her. This is quickly reversed, however, by Annie's subsequent on-the-spot decision to go to New York. She opens her mouth wide in celebration, grunts, and waddles out of the room. Lucy flips her cell phone open and calls Simon.
“ Matt asks RevCam if Mary knows her mother is coming to visit. Of course she doesn't! Why ever would a Camden do something as polite and considerate as informing someone well ahead of time that she is coming to visit them, when she can just appear on one's doorstep to completely disrupt one's life? ”
Simon isn't answering his phone. It might be because he can't hear it ringing, what with the loudly blaring Pianos of Sadness playing as he sits around sulking. The music fades, leaving poor Simon with only Lucy's voice leaving a message on his machine, nagging him to call her back immediately so they can come up with a "game plan." Simon picks up his phone, but instead of calling Lucy, he calls Matt. He then leaves this brilliant message: "Uh, hey, Matt, it's uh, it's me. It's Simon. Simon Camden." He should have said his middle name too, just in case Matt confuses him with all those other Simon Camdens he knows. Simon asks Matt to call him back as soon as he can because Simon is "in trouble. Possibly." Y'all, I am on the edge of my seat with suspense here.
And we go from one phone conversation to another, as Annie is on the phone with RevCam, who is hanging out in front of his ugly stained glass window at the Church Office, telling him about her crazy New York plan. She'll just hop on a plane to New York after church tomorrow. It couldn't be easier! RevCam wants to go too, but doesn't want to leave SamVid in the apparently less-than-capable hands of Lucy and Kevin, like he is any sort of improvement over them. RevCam has just gotten off the phone with Annie when his phone rings again. This time it's Matt, asking if he left his cell phone back in Glenoak. RevCam pulls open his desk drawer and lo and behold! Matt's cell phone is right there! Matt says he's been waiting for a call from the doctor he worked with when he was in Glenoak, but he hasn't been able to check his cell phone messages from another phone because "for some reason, it's not working." That reason being, of course, that the writers couldn't think of an actual reason because that makes no freaking sense. Anyway, this is a good opportunity for Matt to go buy a replacement cell phone, one with a big "OFF" button on it and one of those bright pink sunglasses straps attached so that Matt can wear it around his neck and never lose it again. One suggestion, however: try to buy a phone from the current century this time, okay, Dopey?
RevCam checks Matt's phone and says it looks like he has a couple of messages waiting for him, and that Annie will be arriving in New York tomorrow and can bring Matt's phone with her. Matt says this means he can just check his messages when his mom brings the phone, then, but RevCam says he's "already listening" to them. We see RevCam with Matt's cell phone in one ear and the church phone in the other, because there just hasn't been enough phone action in this episode already. RevCam looks quite pleased to be fulfilling his phone double-fisting fantasies. He tells Matt that there's a message from PC, telling him to call her (odds are ninety-nine to one that it's about Matt signing their divorce papers). Matt tells RevCam he can stop listening to his messages because he can just check them himself when Annie arrives tomorrow. Well, that's like asking an alcoholic to drink just one sip of beer, isn't it? So RevCam keeps right on listening, and says Simon wants Matt to call him, but he didn't say anything more. This is a lie, but as we'll see throughout this episode, the CamRents are allowed to lie even though no one else is. Matt asks RevCam if Mary knows her mother is coming to visit. Of course she doesn't! Why ever would a Camden do something as polite and considerate as informing someone well ahead of time that she is coming to visit them, when she can just appear on one's doorstep to completely disrupt one's life? RevCam and Matt hang up, and RevCam listens to Matt's phone messages again. It's a good thing there's no chance that PC left an intimate private message for Matt.
“ RevCam's in the CamBoudoir, reading a book. He seems fascinated by its contents, as if he were reading them for the first time. This leads me to believe that he's reading the Bible. ”
Matt leaves a message on Simon's machine, informing him that RevCam may have heard whatever Simon said in his message. He continues that Kirstie Alley is fat, and way to have a boring, non-plot-progressing scene devoid of living people when we could have been treated to a scene of Matt's hospital boss busting him for using the hospital line to make long-distance personal calls.
It's nighttime now. Ruthie is doing the dishes, which, now that I think about it, she does during at least one scene in every episode. Drinking game! Martin walks in and invites Ruthie out with him to the Promenade. Ruthie says she already turned Vincent down on a trip to the Promenade. Martin happily asks if this means that Ruthie is "tired" of Vincent. Ruthie says she just wanted to stick around the CamPound because there's "a lot of stuff" going on. Martin asks what it is, being sure to pitch a little hissy fit about the fact that he wasn't informed about it in the first place because no one thinks of him as family. So Ruthie tells him about how Kirstie Alley is fat. Martin disgustedly says that he can't help Ruthie out with this at all because he doesn't have experience in "this level of lying," and walks out. Well, I'm sure Ruthie will be eager to let him in on all the family-only secrets from now on.
Annie trots into SamVid's room and asks if she can play a game with them, since she'll be away from them for a few days. SamVid's like, "Who are you, strange woman?" Ruthie walks up, and SamVid say they'd rather play with her. Annie leaves to pack, because it's more important for her to fix broken relationships with her children AFTER they start than it is to prevent them from happening in the first place. SamVid accuse Ruthie of lying that the reason why she's staying home tonight is to spend time with them. It says a lot that even the extremely dense and slow SamVid can figure out how much their family doesn't like them. Well, they'll always have each other.
RevCam's in the CamBoudoir, reading a book. He seems fascinated by its contents, as if he were reading them for the first time. This leads me to believe that he's reading the Bible. Annie runs in and starts throwing stuff into a suitcase. RevCam's all, "Hey, Annster! Did you know that we're supposed to 'love thy neighbor'? I've been doing it wrong all this time!" Annie asks RevCam several times if he's okay with her going to New York, because it looks like something is bothering him. "Everything is fine," RevCam says, adding a rather menacing "or it will be." Then he stares forward, thinking about how much easier controlling his family will be once he kills off the troublesome Simon and Mary.
“ Oh my god, 'crisis'? Seriously? Is Kirstie Alley being fat really a crisis? Why can't something happen to these people so that things can get put in perspective for them, like a mudslide or an earthquake or any of the thousand other extremely dangerous natural events that seem to plague California? ”
Martin finds Mac on the Promenade. Mac is all disappointed that Ruthie isn't with him. Martin says Ruthie didn't want to come, and she has a boyfriend anyway. Mac says he just saw Ruthie's boyfriend with some other girl. WHAT?!?! And I thought Vincent and Ruthie's relationship was so functional and perfect! How COULD this happen? Martin tells Mac he will not be friends with him if he dates Ruthie. Mac accuses Martin of liking Ruthie. Martin denies it. This little three-way action Mac, Martin, and Ruthie are involved in is a lot more gross than it is cute, which I believe was its intended effect. Suddenly, Vincent walks by with a blonde girl. He sees Martin and Mac and looks very guilty. He tells his date to hang out by herself for a minute, and walks over to Mac and Martin. He says he knows this looks bad, but he asked Ruthie out and she made some lame excuse about needing to stay in the CamPound, so he asked someone else out. Martin says Vincent should be more considerate of the personal crisis that is preventing Ruthie from going out with him tonight. Vincent accuses Martin and Mac of having a crush on Ruthie, then freaks out about Ruthie's personal crisis and what it could be. Martin tells Vincent about how Kirstie Alley is fat.
Vincent walks back to his date and lies that the movie they were going to see is sold out. Then he admits that he only asked her out because he was angry at his girlfriend for not wanting to go out with him. The girl takes this amazingly well, and says that if Vincent ever asks her out again, she'll have to say no because of this. But she thanks him for his honesty, because that is the moral of this week's episode.
Kevin finally enters the show. Lucy won't let him kiss their daughter because he's drunk. Kevin snaps that he isn't drunk; in fact, he hasn't even had anything to drink tonight at all. He was only at the Pool Hall for such a long time because things are so awkward in the CamPound what with Kirstie Alley being so fat and all. Kevin says he can't believe Lucy would lie to her parents, being a minister and all. Yes, but she's a minister in the Church of Selective Moral Applications, so it's probably fine. Lucy counters that Kevin lies too: for instance he just lied that he didn't have anything to drink at the Pool Hall. Kevin says he wasn't lying about that. Nice example, Lucy. Good luck on your future endeavors. Suddenly, Kevin remembers he has to call Simon back. He does, and leaves a message. Lucy says Simon called Kevin because it's been, like, three scenes since someone was on the phone and we are WAY overdue. Also because Kirstie Alley is fat.
Downstairs, Ruthie is rummaging around in the fridge. There's a knock at the back door, and then Vincent's voice announces his arrival. Who knocks and then just starts yelling like that? It's either one or the other; not both. Ruthie opens the door, and Vincent asks her about her "family crisis." Oh my god, "crisis"? Seriously? Is Kirstie Alley being fat really a crisis? Why can't something happen to these people so that things can get put in perspective for them, like a mudslide or an earthquake or any of the thousand other extremely dangerous natural events that seem to plague California? I, for one, wouldn't object to Lucy dying in a freak kitchen accident, thus showing the Camdens how fleeting your time with your loved ones can be, so appreciate it while it's there.
Vincent asks Ruthie why she didn't just tell him about the "crisis" instead of lying that she wanted to spend the evening with SamVid. Ruthie simply answers that she didn't want Vincent to know. Then she realizes that Martin has been going around telling everyone about Kirstie Alley's weight problem. Vincent says he wanted Ruthie to know that he was on a date with another girl, which he was doing because Kirstie Alley is fat. I don't really like Vincent all that much, but I have to give him credit for knowing the Camdens well enough to race to the CamPound and tell Ruthie what happened before anyone else could. Ruthie doesn't really mind, and points out that this means she can go out with other guys. Vincent says he hopes she doesn't, "not until [they]'re not seeing each other anymore, at least." Uh"at least"? Hey, everyone, please meet Vincent, Future Psycho Possessive Ex-Boyfriend! Vincent tells Ruthie to call her if she ever needs to talk about her problems. He's so gay.
Ruthie goes back inside, and runs into RevCam, who is on his way out the door. She asks him where he's off to, and he replies that he feels like taking a ride. And he doesn't want Ruthie to come with him. And he's obviously going to see Simon.
Kevin's cell phone rings. That ring sounds a lot more like a landline ring than it does a cell phone, which is probably because the sound effects team, like everyone else associated with this show, couldn't care less. Really, it's a miracle that we don't hear, like, a doorbell when Savannah starts to "cry" or a door slamming when Happy "barks." Although that would make the show better. Excuse me, I have to write a letter to the 7th Heaven sound effects team.
Okay, I'm back. Kevin greets Simon's call with a charming "it looks like things are getting complicated like they do when people lie." They should have just made that the freaking title of this episode. Kevin talks about how Kirstie Alley is fat, but Simon says he has other problems to deal with right now. Kevin asks what they are. The scene ends. God, this show sucks. It sucks so bad. I know you know this, and I know it too, but sometimes I just need to say it.
“ The worse the news is, the more partying Simon should be doing right now. But no, since Simon is a loser Camden, he's sitting home by himself. Or not, since RevCam has just arrived for a surprise visit! Wow, that sucks. ”
Martin and Mac are still hanging out on the Promenade. They share this hilarious exchange:
Mac: Maybe we should just go home.
Martin: All right. I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Mac: No, I meant to your home.
Martin: What are we gonna do at my home?
Tee hee hee! Martin pretends that Mac is talking about seeing Ruthie again, and Mac plays along that he can comfort Ruthie when she finds out about Vincent seeing another girl. Plus, Ruthie may need to talk to someone about Kirstie Alley's obesity issues, which Mac says must be terrible for all the Camdens. Martin points out that Mac has never even met Mary. Mac says he doesn't need to know Mary to be sympathetic. Considering that we don't need Mary to write an A-plot about her, I guess that's true.
Lucy and Happy enter Ruthie's room. Happy has been looking small lately; did they replace her? How many "Happy as Happy"s has this series gone through, anyway? And if they can recast Happy, why can't they recast SamVid? Ruthie and Lucy talk in circles about Kirstie Alley's weight problem, and whether or not they should tell the CamRents about it before Annie goes to New York. And then they sit around and talk shit about Mary, because this is everyone on this show's favorite hobby. Martin enters. Ruthie tells Lucy that Martin knows that Kirstie Alley is fat, and he told Mac and Vincent about it, too. Martin apologizes for this and asks Ruthie if she knows about Vincent. Ruthie says she knows all about how Kirstie Alley is fat and she doesn't mind, since Vincent told her the truth about it. Then Kevin enters the room and tells Lucy that Savannah needs her. Lucy asks if Kevin talked to Simon. "Goodnight!" Kevin quickly says to Martin and Ruthie as he grabs Lucy by the arm and pulls her out of the room. Hooray for harbingers of domestic violence!
Simon sits around, looking close to tears. Really, is whatever news (I know what it was, but I'm not going to spoil it for you!) Prof. Slut had for Simon so bad that he's going to blow a Saturday night crying about it? The worse the news is, the more partying Simon should be doing right now. But no, since Simon is a loser Camden, he's sitting home by himself. Or not, since RevCam has just arrived for a surprise visit! Wow, that sucks. Not as bad as it's going to suck for Carlos when Annie shows up on his doorstep, however. Simon smiles when he sees his dad at the door, but whatever nice, warm, family moment this show might have just conjured up in my dark heart is ruined when I remember that the only reason RevCam is at Simon's apartment is to weasel information out of him, and not because he cares about helping Simon through whatever difficult situation he's in.