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Well, we all knew this was going to blow hard, and it definitely delivered. It's Valentine's Day, so that means everyone has to sing. Except for Lucy, Simon, and Martin, who had the foresight to add a "no singing in shit musical episodes" clause to their contracts. Possibly Kevin too, as I'm still not sure if "sing" is the word for what Kevin does as he tells his naggy wife how she was meant for him and he was meant for her. Which is very depressing. Ruthie, down on love after going three days without a call from Vince Charming, turns into a weird old French lounge singer and performs, complete with horrifying butt bumps, "Nice Work If You Can Get It." Later, Vincent makes it all up to her by performing "Accentuate the Positive" with the entire high school baseball team, including a very embarrassed-looking Martin and Mac. Simon brings his brand-new girlfriend to Glenoak, where he tries to avoid any and all Camdens. As this is impossible, Annie and the entire Promenade do a big number for the girlfriend about how she should ask "The Man Upstairs" before she has sex with Simon the Manwhore. The Man Upstairs, of course, is too busy watching ANYTHING ELSE ON TELEVISION to care. Girlfriend is initially angry at Simon, but gets over it soon enough and is back in Simon's arms by the end of the episode. Alone in his office, RevCam tries to convince himself that he loves his wife by singing "You Are My Lucky Star" to a picture of her. He then gives his lucky star a super-romantic dinner of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and she tells us why RevCam's red socks are so special to her. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
So. Here we are. It's time for the special Valentine's Day 7th Heaven Musical Extravaganza or whatever the WB is hyping this episode as. Not wanting to suffer alone, and knowing very little about music and musicals, I had Pamie and Djb check this episode out and give me their opinions. Unfortunately, the horribleness of it rendered them incapable of speech. Then one of Pam's cats threw up. True story.
It's morning in the CamPound, and the Violins and Harps of This Is A Musical Episode, Sort Of, play us into the CamBoudoir, where Annie is sleeping and RevCam is gathering up the laundry. He throws together a load of whites, but in his zest to be quiet and not awaken the sleeping dragon, he puts a pair of red socks in there, too. I'm sad to report that THIS WILL BE IMPORTANT LATER. In fact, it will be the A-plot of this episode.
RevCam makes his way downstairs, humming a tune as he puts the laundry in the washing machine without even checking to make sure that it's all whites. I mean, if you can't see a pair of BRIGHT RED SOCKS in the middle of whatever beige crap the Camdens normally wear, you should probably not be doing laundry. Anyway, the twins come downstairs and start to raid the fridge and cabinets. Having started up the amazingly quiet washing machine, RevCam returns to the kitchen, where the twins tell him to quit humming because they'll wake Annie up, and they're supposed to be making her a surprise pancake breakfast in bed. Ew. The day I make breakfast in bed for someone else on my birthday is the day I have been sold into white slavery. The twins ask if perhaps they might be able to partake of the pancake breakfast, and RevCam generously says that they can make enough pancakes for everyone, and they might even be accompanied by "some nice fatty bacon." Ruthie enters and angrily snarls at her father that his heart problems were caused by him having too much bacon in the first place, so why the hell is he having some now? RevCam says today is a special day, as if just because it's Valentine's Day, his body is immortal. RevCam adds that the dry toast he usually eats for breakfast doesn't seem romantic. "And bacon is?" says Ruthie. Whatever, Ruthie. I plan to marry bacon just as soon as those gays get the right to marry and then the entire institution of marriage is totally destroyed. Because it tastes good. Also, if RevCam wants to be so selfish as to eat dangerous foods such as bacon and clarified butter, caring more about his taste buds than the young children he'll be leaving behind, then I think he should be allowed to go right on ahead.
RevCam tells Ruthie that she sure isn't acting like today is Valentine's Day, what with her totally unromantic lecturing of her father. I'm confused, because this show is usually trying to tell me that nagging and lecturing loved ones is a sign of a functional and loving family unit, right? Ruthie says whatever, and SamVid shush her. Ruthie tells the twins they can drop the whole not wanting to wake up Annie thing, because she's already awake. Then she wishes them an insincere "happy birthday," and says her present to them is that she will clean their room for a week. The twins act way too excited about this crappy present that Ruthie obviously just made up because she forget to get them anything.
Annie bounds downstairs and asks what's going on. What's not going on is that leopard-print silk-esque pajama set she's wearing. She could have draped a live leopard with a bloody zebra leg dangling from its mouth across her shoulders, and that would have been sexier than this. "Happy Valentine's Day!" RevCam and the twins shout to her. She wishes the twins a happy birthday, and offers to make them pancakes. RevCam says they were actually going to make her pancakes in bed. "No bacon," Annie says, instead of "thank you." RevCam and Annie kiss, causing Ruthie to roll her eyes and walk out of the house. Annie goes back upstairs to wait for her pancakes. She should really stay down there and monitor RevCam and the twins' progress. Who knows what could result from the unsupervised combination of a man who can't see red socks and boys who eat ice cream sandwich wrappers.
For example, RevCam could start singing "Love is Sweeping the Country," written by George and Ira Gershwin, out of nowhere as he gathers pancake-making supplies. In related news, people in China were surprised to find the corpses of George and Ira Gershwin suddenly in their country, after both bodies spun in their graves at such speed that they actually drilled themselves through the center of the Earth. SamVid join in on the musical merriment, singing about "all the sexes from Maine to Texas," and I want to die. Suddenly, we're in Lucy and Kevin's room, where he sing-talks one line. Then we go back to the kitchen for a while, then to Annie, who sits on her bed and sings a line. And then we cut to Ruthie, who, in the space of two minutes, has gotten to school. She has also become an old French woman, based on her breathy delivery of her lines that sound like they're in French instead of English. So that was weird. And then we're back in the kitchen, where RevCam stirs pancake batter and finishes the song. Right as we're fading to the theme song, we see him lift up a bottle of a dark-colored liquid to pour it into the pancake batter. I hope that's poison.
The Opening Credits Timewaster has gotten jazzified. Ruthie and her crappy boots walk down the hallway and watch various couples making out. Get a room, guys. Then the name "Polly Cusumano" pops up as a guest star, and Djb gets all excited because it turns out he went to school with her. This means that the actress is ten years older than the character she's supposed to be playing. And she looks it, too. Good casting, guys. Back to Ruthie, she walks by Vincent, who is walking with some blonde girl. Ruthie is so shocked that she walks into Martin. He asks her what's with her bad mood when it's Valentine's Day and she has a boyfriend. Ruthie says that Vincent hasn't called her in three days. Martin gives her a pat on the shoulder as consolation, but is interrupted by Zoe, who wants to give him a Valentine and an apology. They walk away together.
Ruthie walks to her locker, and just how many times does she need to go there anyway? Wasn't she just there before the credits? But I guess she has to go there to turn on the tape player for the instrumental accompaniment for her upcoming musical number, "Nice Work If You Can Get It." You may recognize this as the theme to Cybill, performed by Cybill Shepherd. And you probably thought that that was the worst version of this song you'd ever hear, but that was then and this is now. And right now, Ruthie is singing with her old lady French accent voice and oh my dear god, she's also dancing. For those of you who are fortunate enough not to have seen it, her "dance" "moves" are best described as similar to that dance in Michael Jackson's "Thriller" music video, at the part where the girl turns around and suddenly Michael Jackson is one of the zombies and his red jacket has also been zombified, and then Michael and the rest of the Zombie Dancers start doing that shoulder-twitch dance. It's kind of like that. And then Ruthie sits on a counter and starts wriggling around on that, which makes me very, very uncomfortable because I thought child pornography was against the law and this is getting really close to it. Eventually, Ruthie jumps off the counter and starts skip-walking towards the camera, throwing her shoulders up on every off-beat, and trying to look "sexy." Meanwhile, the girl isn't even trying to lip-sync anymore, so entire words go by without her even opening her mouth. She ends the song with a nice little butt wriggle that we get to see from behind, like, thanks for that, say the pedophiles who probably watch this show religiously now, and then she walks away. Painful.
Annie removes a bunch of pink items from the washing machine as RevCam calls upstairs to the twins that Valentine's Day, despite all the CamPosturing, isn't a real holiday so they do have to go to school. He turns back to Annie, who wants to know why RevCam hasn't immediately cleaned the dishes from the breakfast he made for her. RevCam says that he has to go to work now, and drop the boys off at school, but he'll get to the dishes soon. From the glare Annie shoots him, we know that this just isn't good enough, like I guess RevCam should just get fired from the job that provides Annie with a sink to put the goddamn dishes in. Then she holds up some pink articles of clothing and lectures RevCam for putting red socks in with the whites. "My mistake!" says RevCam. Annie says that if RevCam didn't love his red socks so much, this would not have happened. RevCam says that Annie's the one who loves the red socks, which is why she always gives RevCam a pair of them for Valentine's Day. Annie argues that RevCam wore red socks before she ever met him, but RevCam says he never owned a pair until she started buying them for him. "You have always worn red socks," says Annie, with that usual psycho flourish she likes to add to her lines. God, is there anything that this so-called loving couple can NOT miscommunicate about? Finally, the twins come downstairs, saying they've got all the Valentines ready for their classmates. So if they made Valentines and stuff, certainly they knew they were going to school today? Good job preserving the continuity within the same scene there, episode writer Martha Plimpton. I can't believe I liked you in Goonies. RevCam tells Annie he's going to pick up a picnic dinner for them on his way home from "the French bakery," and they'll have some alone time that night. He and the twins leave, and Annie makes a few horrid faces as she proceeds to runs water over the dishes RevCam SAID HE WOULD TAKE CARE OF and then puts the laundry THAT HAS JUST BEEN WASHED AND THAT REVCAM ALSO SAID HE WOULD TAKE CARE OF back in the washer. "Happy Valentine's Day to me, woo-hoo," says the woman who creates her own problems.
And now we're looking at Simon making out with...ANNIE? Oh, no, it's not Annie; it's just yet another one of Simon's girlfriends who looks a disturbing amount like her. Also, this is the actress Djb knew. Pamie and I asked him if she used to talk without moving any part of her face when he knew her like she does now, but he couldn't remember. Annie McFrozenface breaks off the make-out session, saying that even though it's Valentine's Day, she doesn't want to have the sex with someone she just met. Simon agrees. The two exchange lovey-dovey crap about falling in love with each other immediately. Annie2 rasps that she wants to take a trip to Glenoak, to see the place that Simon told her about when they spent all of last night talking. Simon says he'd love to go to Glenoak, but he'd also like to avoid seeing his family. So they make plans to drive for hours and hours to Simon's boring-ass hometown. That's a stupid reason to get Simon back in Glenoak. If they were so desperate to have him in this episode, couldn't they have just said he was visiting for his brothers' birthday and brought his new girlfriend with him?
Lucy tells Kevin that Savannah is both sleeping and eating more. Then she demands to know why Kevin is putting his police uniform on. Kevin says he is going to work. Lucy cannot believe that her husband is working on Valentine's Day. "What am I supposed to do?" she asks, doing a few hair flips of co-dependence and eye rolls of pathetic-ocity. Kevin says Lucy can amuse herself with her new-ass baby while he works to pay for their new mansion. Lucy says the mansion already is paid off (I really resent the fact that Lucy, even though she's fictional, apparently has more money than I do. I really, really do) and that she hasn't even seen it yet. Kevin patiently explains that that is Lucy's fault, seeing as he has offered to show it to her many times and she has said no. Seriously. "So?" Lucy asks, saying that the reason she hasn't seen the mansion is because she's with the baby that Kevin apparently forced her to have. Except that it takes two to do that, darling, and you're the one who I'm pretty sure lied about taking her birth control to get pregnant in the first place. So SHUT UP. Kevin bends over to give her a placating kiss on the cheek, but she turns away. What a bitch. Lucy tells Kevin that if he loved her, he wouldn't be "abandoning" her on Valentine's Day. Kevin says he loves Lucy three hundred and sixty-five days a year, but since he didn't include the extra leap year days, that probably isn't good enough for Lucy.
So Kevin has her sit on the bed and starts to sing "You Were Meant For Me." Here is the best way I can describe this: you know those crappy middle and high school musicals you were in, and there was that guy who always got good parts even though his voice was totally weak and he couldn't carry a tune, because he was one of the only guys who tried out and because your asshole music teacher would only cast his little favorites, regardless of talent? And don't tell me I was the only one with that asshole music teacher, because I'm pretty sure he's universal. But anyway, Kevin sounds like that kid. And you always felt sorry for your parents, who came to see you as "Chorus" every year, and had to sit through this guy's solos. Kevin "sings" that "Nature patterned [Lucy] and when she was done," and I was hoping he would say something about Nature destroying that pattern and expressing regret for ever having made said pattern. Anyway, Kevin does some cute little dances and he smiles a lot, so even though this sucked total ass, it was probably my favorite number of the show. Too bad we had to see so much of Lucy during it. Although it was really weird that they didn't have her sing at all, or even be Kevin's dancing partner, especially when he was doing that waltzy-looking move with his arms around an invisible partner. And I'm not going to blame George Stults for his crappiness here; after all, the guy's just learning how to act, for god's sake, and now they're making him sing AND dance too? That's not really fair.
RevCam hums his way into the Church Office. He puts his stuff on his desk and checks out a framed picture of Annie. And the Annster is not looking so good in this picture. She has this smile on her face that makes it look like she has a wicked overbite. I call it the "hyuk hyuk" smile. RevCam picks up the phone and dials. Midway through the first ring, the CamAnswering Machine picks up. You know, here this show was presented with the perfect opportunity to fill some space by having the machine pick up after a more normal three or five rings, and they totally wasted it. Now we have to hear the answering machine message, which is, of course, the Most Annoying In The History Of Ever. SamVid talk in unison: "You have reached the Camden residence. Nobody can help you." You know Happy was in the room when that was recorded, thinking, "...Seriously." Annie was in the room, too, and we hear her nagging in the background at the twins to say their lines correctly. RevCam chuckles at this, because it's exactly the kind of people who think that shit is funny who put it on their answering machines and inflict it upon the rest of us. Ugh, SamVid even say "beeeeep!" along with the answering machine beep. Awful. And yet, exactly what I'd expect to encounter if I ever called the CamPound. Which I would never do. Not even by accident.
RevCam stammers out a message for Annie where he is properly contrite for not doing the dishes from the meal he MADE FOR HER and for being nice enough to do the laundry, even though he screwed it up. He says he'll be home early and he's also sorry that he didn't remember owning red socks or whatever. Then he hangs up and stares at the picture some more. And then he starts to sing "You Are My Lucky Star" to it, even going so far as to pick it up and dance around with it. Whatever, RevCam: I mean, I'm sure the frame is solid oak and all, but I don't think it's THAT great. Jeez. Anyway, at least Stephen Collins has a trained singing voice, even if he does need to learn how to calm down his mouth with the lip-syncing. An unsuspecting Lou could fall in there. I laugh out loud when RevCam clasps the frame to his chest. I wish he wouldn't insist on shoving one hand in his pocket for a lot of this, though, because that makes me think he's doing things that I don't want to think about him doing. Song complete, RevCam sits back down and stares at the frame instead of doing any actual work. I have the feeling that RevCam has to sing to that picture of Annie several times a day in order to convince himself that he actually likes the person he's married to.
Annie glomps into the house, fresh from walking Happy/curtailing another one of Happy's escape attempts. She shoots the dirty dishes a glare, like, DROP IT ALREADY, then walks over to the washing machine. As she grabs the re-washed items from the washing machine and stuffs them in the dryer, she proceeds to nag RevCam about the red socks even though he can't possibly hear her. This is what she spends her time at home doing: practicing nagging for when her ungrateful family comes home. Lucy comes downstairs, which is nice in that it saves us from hearing any more of Annie, but sucks because we now have to hear Lucy whine about her husband daring to go to work on Valentine's Day. "Well, he had to go to work sometime," Annie says unsympathetically. She adds that a lot of the officers who didn't just get seven months or whatever off for paternity leave probably wanted to take today off to be with their "wives and girlfriends." It's not like I'd expect Annie to mention any possible homosexuals on the GPD, but what about the police women? Do they, as working women and not obedient stay-at-home types, not get to have husbands and boyfriends?
Lucy poutily asks Annie what bug crawled up her ass. Did Annie and RevCam have a fight? Annie lies that they didn't. In fact, she rapidly says, "Your dad and I aren't fighting we're just you know very much in love very very much in love still after years and years of marriage we're just CRAZY about each other." Cut off those last three words and you have something resembling the truth. Lucy asks her mother what she has planned for today. Annie says she has to do the dishes and the laundry and "make a birthday cake for the twins now." And then she grabs her coat and pocketbook and leaves the house. I guess you don't have to do anything too far in advance when the birthday cake you're serving is a Styrofoam block covered with chocolate and cyanide frosting.
Kids are still making out in the halls of the Glenoak high school, and while, again, they should be less public with their activities, Ruthie should also not, like, stand a few inches away from them and watch. Vincent strolls up and wishes Ruthie a happy Valentine's Day, but when her answer is a scowl, he turns to leave. Ruthie slams her locker shut and yells at Vincent for not calling her. Vincent says she hasn't called him either. "I called you last!" says Ruthie. Vincent doesn't get it, and it turns out he's just as mad at Ruthie for not calling him as she is at him for not calling her. Whatever. Ruthie says that two can play at the jealous game, and grabs the arms of a passing dork-faced boy. Whatever jealous emotions she was trying to instill in Vincent are probably quickly defused when the dork-face turns to Ruthie and loudly says, "Do I know you?" Ha! Vincent and his upper lip shading scoff.
Annie leaves the "Glenoak Jewelers," like, what was she doing in there? What the hell kind of cake is she making those twins? Across the Promenade, Annie sees Simon and her twin making out on a bench. Annie makes an Angry Clownface as the Pianos of Watching Your Son Make Out With You play. Simon leaves Annie2 and walks into a bookstore. What kind of bookstore is it that Annie2 isn't invited to come inside? Does it perhaps have a gloryhole?
With a determined grimace, Annie walks over and takes a seat to Annie2. "That was my son you were making out with. I'm Simon's mother," Annie spits, as if both of those sentences were needed. "I'm ONna" says Annie2. "Onna"? More like On-ya! Anyway, Annie asks Annie2 why she and Simon aren't at school right now. Annie2 says they didn't have class, so they decided to spend the afternoon in Glenoak. Annie2 also says that she and Simon met last night. "Simon's been dating quite a lot this year," Annie replies. If I were Annie2, right about now would be the time when I'd get up and either follow Simon into the bookstore or just run away. But not Annie2, she just says "oh." Annie says she wanted Annie2 to know that before she does something she "shouldn't." Shut up, Annie. Also, Annie2 might want to cool it with the making out. It looks like she's done so much lately that Simon sucked all the enamel off her teeth, leaving them grey and nasty. And then the music starts up, and Annie grabs Annie2's hand and gives her a "come over here" head cock. I hope they're going to the nearest DNA testing center, so that they can find out that Annie2 is Annie's long-lost daughter before Simon does something with his half-sister that he "shouldn't."
Annie and Annie2 stand up as Annie starts to sing "Have You Talked To The Man Upstairs" while she and Annie2 perform the sophisticated dance move of slowly walking in a circle. Then they take a seat on a planter. Why even stand up at all? Promenade people start to couple up and sway to the music. Pamie points out that there's one extra in the background who's watching all this with a hand on her neck and a cringe on her face, like she can't believe that she's witnessing something so horrible. Annie sings that Annie2 should "turn [her] eyes to Heaven," at which point Annie2 semi-obliges by rolling her eyes to Heaven. Meanwhile, a pizza guy and a lady wearing a floral apron and a straw hat with a giant-ass flower on it do a couple of shoulder-shimmies. An old lady wearing a flight attendant's uniform gets in on the action as well with her dancing partner, who kind of looks like Britney Spears's husband. No less than two interracial couples dance together, and then Annie sings her final note and the men dip their female partners. And then everyone just kind of stands there, in that pose, staring at the camera, as Annie tells Annie2 to "think about it. Think about what you're doing. Okay?" And then everyone returns to normal. Annie walks away without even saying goodbye. Annie2 is just like "what the hell is WITH this town?" Too bad her frozen face can't convey the appropriate confused expression.
Now that there is absolutely no chance of getting stuck in a musical number, David Gallagher returns to the scene and takes a seat on the bench to Annie2. "That was your mother?" Annie2 says. "'Fraid so," says Simon. Dude, he heard all that was going on out there and didn't come running out to scream at his mom for sabotaging his sex life? Although I guess if he did, RevCam would threaten to withhold his tuition money again. Annie2 asks Simon how many girlfriends he's had "this year." "Well, you're the first since January, I swear," says Simon. Annie2 asks him about the last twelve months. Simon says "a few," which would be right, wouldn't it? It's just Georgia and Asslee, right? So who cares?
Back from commercial, Annie2 and her denim-on-denim-on-denim outfit ask Simon if he always falls in love with every girl he meets. Simon says he sort of does. Annie2 recaps Simon's tumultuous love life of breakups and make-ups with Asslee and Georgia, then asks if Simon was going to marry Georgia if she really was pregnant. Simon says he thought he should. Annie2 suggests that they head back to school. "It's gonna be a long drive back," she says. I can't imagine why, what with her exciting self for company.
Baseball practice! Ruthie watches Martin and Mac perform hunky baseball maneuvers. Zoe's watching too, and her stupid waves and blown kisses distract Martin. Mac throws up his hands in exasperated confusion. I feel the same way; why is this Zoe girl throwing herself at Martin after he told her he never wanted to see her again? How pathetic. Vincent stops by, because I have a feeling that he often watches the studly men's baseball team practice. He takes a seat to Ruthie and resists commenting on the fact that it is seemingly quite warm out, but she's wearing big winter boots and a scarf. Fashion sucks. Vincent tries to make conversation, but Ruthie responds with some negativity about flirting, using Martin and what I believe is the exact same shot of Zoe that we just saw as examples. Vincent says he likes "romance" and "flirting," pointing out that only a few weeks ago, he and Ruthie were doing some romantic flirting with each other. Except that, as I recall, it was more like Vincent had no idea that Ruthie existed, and Ruthie had her pseudo-brother ask him out for her.
Vincent apologizes for not calling Ruthie, and for walking around with a different girl in front of her. He says he was just trying to get her attention with the girl because it was Valentine's Day. He leans in to kiss Ruthie, but she pulls away. "Look," says Vince Charming, "I'm not perfect. But you're not perfect either." And then the music starts up and he jumps off the bleachers. He goes into "Accentuate the Positive" with the sort of performance you'd expect from a guy who played "Young Donny Osmond" in the Inside the Osmonds TV movie. He does the "running man shuffle" dance move backwards onto the baseball field. Instead of being angry at him for disrupting their practice, however, the team suddenly flies into choreographed jumping-jack-like dance moves. The entire team doesn't dance, mind you -- just the middle-aged trained dancer ringers they stuck in there. Vincent does a flying leap into the arms of the baseball players, and is so happy to be embraced by so many men's arms that he forgets to lip-sync. Then he's back on the field doing some weird rabbit-hop dance with the dancers, and there's a lot of unfortunate floppage going on in those baseball uniforms that isn't really appropriate for a family show. Mac and Martin run up and grab Vincent's legs and lift him high up into the air. When Vincent starts singing about "Jonah and the whale" and "Noah in the ark," an umpire guy runs up behind him and starts squirting a water bottle into the air. Wow. Then they put Vincent down and run away, only to come back for the big finale, where Vincent, sandwiched by Mac and Martin, and the rest of the dancers form a giant can-can line. Mac and Martin look suitably embarrassed, and I feel sorry for them. Vincent, however, has never looked more comfortable. Poor Ruthie; that's, like, her third gay boyfriend in a row.
Finally, the song is over, and Vincent walks back to Ruthie while the entire team acts like nothing just happened and resumes practice. You know, if you're going to do a musical episode, you either have to make it all surreal and Umbrellas of Cherbourg-like and have everyone sing every line for the entire episode, or find an excuse to have people singing. You can't just have people burst out into song, complete with a ghost orchestra accompaniment, then suddenly stop and have everyone act like nothing weird just happened. Plus, you could at least make up your own damn songs instead of using "old standards" that don't really fit the story, like Ruthie's "Nice Work If You Can Get It." Anyway, Ruthie and Vincent kiss, and Vincent asks to go out tonight. Ruthie says she can't, because it's a school night, as well as SamVid's birthday. Vincent says he'll call instead, and they walk away.
For some reason, Zoe didn't run away during that whole musical number, and Martin walks up to her. She asks him if he wants to "you know," but Martin says no. He would like to hang out and talk, however, and they walk away holding hands. Give it up already, Zoe. He doesn't want to have sex with you and you just saw him can-canning with his baseball team. Come on.
At the station, Capt. Michaels greets Kevin. Capt. Michaels apologizes for making Kevin work extra hours on Valentine's Day, but Kevin says the holiday doesn't mean that much to him, because he's normal. Capt. Michaels is confused; didn't Kevin propose to Lucy on Valentine's Day? Okay, Capt. Michaels SERIOUSLY needs to get over his obsession with Lucy. He asks if Kevin got Lucy something for the holiday, then calls Kevin "stupid" because he didn't. Kevin points out that he "got" Lucy a baby and a house. Okay, but you didn't actually "get" Lucy a baby, did you? And as for the house, Lucy hasn't even so much as set foot in it yet, so I don't think she really likes it. Capt. Michaels admonishes Kevin for not showering Lucy with presents, saying that his marriage failed for similar reasons. If I were Kevin, I would thrilled to have discovered a way to end my crappy marriage, but he just says he'll call a florist. "Now you're thinking!" Capt. Michaels says sarcastically, giving Kevin a condescending little pat on the shoulder. Shut up, Capt. Michaels. I liked you better when you were a sergeant. Kevin whips out the yellow pages and lets his fingers do the walking. Unfortunately, all the florists they walk to are out of roses. I guess the Glenoak florists don't understand the concept of "anticipating high customer demand."
SamVid come home and start running around the kitchen island screaming "Happy Valentine's Day!" Annie enters the room and bitches about how whoever handed out cupcakes at the end of the school day wasn't the mother of twins. Not like she's the mother of twins, really; those two don't even look related, let alone like twins. Sam and Vid start telling fish stories about how many cupcakes they ate, then ask for birthday cake. As it turns out, those two are much better actors when they're given realistic material. Annie tells them to take the dog and run around outside. They do, and Lucy enters. She announces her intention to make cupcakes for Kevin as a Valentine's Day present. She wants to "bake him something." Women's liberation movement, please set your calendars back a hundred years. Annie lectures that Lucy and Kevin don't need to get each other presents, but allows Lucy to take over the kitchen, providing that she cleans up afterwards. Hey, Lucy? If you just made those cupcakes in your own kitchen in your own mansion, you wouldn't have to ask anyone's permission. Also, cupcakes? Unless she's planning to present them by having them cover strategic locations on her body, that's not a very sexy V-day present. At all.
Annie asks Lucy if she can watch the twins while she and RevCam have their special Valentine's Day picnic, and Lucy actually has the nerve to almost say no because she has to watch Savannah or whatever. Annie pulls a face in response, and Lucy quickly assents to her demands. She says she's just putting the finishing touches on their birthday present, which are homemade Batman capes. Annie lies that the twins will love that, then tells her to "get to work." Lucy makes a dorky smile, then talks to herself.
RevCam strolls along the Promenade, where all the extras from Annie's earlier dancing scene are still hanging out. RevCam tries to enter "Frenchie's," the most uncreatively-named French bakery ever, but they have locked the door on him. Ha! I bet that happens to RevCam a lot. This time, however, it's because the bakery is closed. Their hours, RevCam sees on a sign, are seven in the morning to two in the afternoon. This place has got to be a front for all the anti-American terrorist activities Glenoakians suspect the French of, because there's no way that place is staying in business with hours like that.
Kevin's still trying to get some roses, but all the nearby florists are out of roses, as well as all flowers period. Kevin, it's called FTD.com. Or you could just steal some flowers from those Promenade planters, which are filled with them.
Simon arrives home and picks up his phone. SamVid answer. Simon wishes them happy birthday, but does not mention that he was just in town and made a point of not seeing them. They thank him for "the card" he sent them -- like, I hope that card had a gift certificate to someplace awesome in it, Simon, or else your birthday present sucks -- and ask him what he's doing. "Nothing. Absolutely nothing," he says, "thanks to our crazy bitch mother."
Back from commercial, Simon is taking a nap on his super-sexy twin bed. A knock on the door wakes him up. It's Annie2! She enters without being invited in and says, having forgiven Simon off-camera in a heart-wrenching scene we didn't see, "So, where were we?" "I think we were falling in love," he answers. "I'm gonna get laid tonight," he thinks.
Zoe asks Martin how many "serious" girlfriends he's had. Just one, and Martin doesn't think he's ready for another. Zoe asks him about "casual" girlfriends, and Martin says if she's talking about "casual sex," then he's not interested. Uh, she wasn't asking about casual sex, Martin, but thanks for playing. Zoe asks if Martin is playing hard-to-get. Apparently, A Clue is, because she then kisses Martin.
Because Lucy is a big stupid liar, she has left Annie's kitchen even more of a mess than it was before. Ruthie answers the phone. It's Vincent, and he wants to come over. Ruthie says she's too embarrassed about being jealous earlier to be able to face him. Vincent says he has a present for her, and he's actually at the back door right now! He says he'll only stay for "a minute." Ruthie hangs up and answers the door. Vincent gives her some red roses he picked from his mother's bushes. Well, at least that woman has a proficiency at raising something. Vincent and Ruthie kiss, and he leaves.
Kevin storms into the kitchen and offers Ruthie a hundred-dollar bill that he just happens to have floating around in his pocket for the roses. She gives them up immediately, which I found really callous of her. If a guy I liked gave me flowers, I wouldn't give them away for a hundred dollars. Ruthie kisses her crisp hundred dollar bill with more enthusiasm than she's ever kissed Vincent.
Kevin enters the bedroom and apologizes for missing dinner. Lucy says she "just put Savannah down," which always sounds to me like she just humanely euthanized her own child. And it would be humane. Lucy hands Kevin a plate full of cupcakes and he gives her the roses. They kiss on the lips, because this is a special occasion. Then Lucy orders Kevin to clean the kitchen for her.
SamVid have stomachaches from eating too much. They only have each other for comfort, though, because RevCam and Annie are outside eating sandwiches. They aren't sandwiches from the French bakery, however. They're peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, because I guess it never dawned on RevCam that Chinese or pizza can be ordered for dinner. Annie says the potato chips were a "nice touch," then takes a bite out of her sandwich. Either she put those chips in her sandwich, or they are using some stale-ass bread, because the sound effect her sandwich makes is very, as Carolyn might say, "crunchy." They toast each other with what I'm sure is non-alcoholic champagne, and Annie gives RevCam his present: red socks. She explains that RevCam wore red socks on their first date, for which they had a chicken dinner that Annie cooked. How domestic! She says that she thought that seminary student RevCam was a little "too straight" for her, which she should have no problem with after seeing him sing and dance around in this episode, but when she saw his red socks, she realized that he was a wild and crazy guy after all. And that's why, she says, all teary-eyed, she always gets him those stupid socks for Valentine's Day, because every year she hopes it will inspire him to go a little wild and try something other than the missionary position. Also, I find it hard to believe that, after twenty-something years of marriage during which Annie bought RevCam twenty-something pairs of socks, he never asked her what her deal with them was until now.
Annie and RevCam kiss, and then RevCam beings to sing "Love Is Sweeping The Country" again. In bed, sick and lonely SamVid sing their parts. I hate to say it, but Sam is doing something under the covers when he sings about "all the sexes." Kevin talks his part out. We go back to RevCam, who sings about the "birdies above," like if he's seeing birds at nighttime, they're probably bats. And I hope they're diseased. Annie sings, and then Ruthie does that weird, incomprehensible French thing as she performs the exciting action of putting a glass in the dishwasher. RevCam finishes the song, and he and Annie kiss. A heart-wipe -- yes, a HEART-WIPE -- take us out. I'd complain about that more, but I'm just so glad this is over.