And we return from a wonderful and refreshing month-and-half-long break for what the previews promise will be the "biggest 7th Heaven event ever." Notice how they didn't say it was the "best," because that would, of course, be a serial killer taking each Camden out, one by one. Starting with Lucy.
We open on Lucy sulking in bed, which was pretty much where we left her. Kevin says he has to go run some errands and tells her not to leave the bed while he's out. Lucy says that her doctor told her she could spend some time on her feet and take "short trips," which is news to me since last I heard, she was on complete bedrest, and I'm pretty sure those orders don't relax as the pregnancy gets closer to its end point. Kevin volunteers to get Lucy whatever she needs. She runs off a list of baby supplies, saying that she still needs to buy all of these things since it looks like no one had the "decency" to throw her a baby shower where she would get all these things for free. Maybe it's because Lucy doesn't have the "decency" to not sit around expecting people to do things for her all the time. I mean, who would even throw Lucy a shower? Her only friend is Roxanne, and she would rather be in Iraq than attending your weekly pizza nights. Take a hint, Lucy. Kevin says he can get everything Lucy needs, prompting her to shriek that Kevin can't do it, even though he just said he could and she told him to. She begs him to take her shopping, saying, "I promise, I'll do it so quickly, I'll be in and out, just like that." How ironic, considering that I bet a line like that from Kevin was what got Lucy pregnant in the first place. Lucy says that Kevin didn't even manage to get the stuff she sent him out for last week, but Kevin says he did -- he's just waiting for Annie to put them together. Well, that's pathetic. Perhaps I should consider reporting my parents to Child Protective Services time I buy a bookshelf from IKEA and they won't fly across the country to assemble it for me.
Lucy does some more whining about how she needs to go shopping because Kevin knows "nothing" about nursing bras. True, that; I doubt Lucy has ever let him see the things such a device is meant to hold. Kevin three-peats that if Lucy writes everything down, he'll pick it up for her later. He'll have someone help him out with the bra. I have a feeling that any one of Kevin's siblings-in-law would be more than eager to volunteer for that mission. I also think that whoever does end up going should buy those bras in bulk because Lucy strikes me as someone who breast feeds her baby for a long time, to encourage its dependence. Lucy says the fact that no one threw her a baby shower "sucks." Whoa, easy there, Lucy! Such language could bump this "very special episode" up to a PG rating, thus banning it from the V-chipped sets of the majority of this show's audience! Kevin scolds Lucy for her language and plants the requisite kiss on her forehead.
“ I imagine I will have a similar reaction when this show is finally cancelled. 'Errgghhh, ha haaa!' I'll say, throwing up a hand in Sars's direction, which she will then, of course, totally miss contact with, having no less than four celebratory half-beers precariously balanced in her hands. ”
As soon as Kevin leaves, Lucy is out of the bed and putting on some shoes. Matt silently observes this from the hallway, which he can do now that he is apparently taking his med school classes online. At the local library, since the Camdens claim to not have the internet, even though Martin regularly sends emails to his dad from his bedroom. Lucy finally sees Matt and is overjoyed to gain a new sounding board for her complaints about not having a baby shower and needing to shop for baby stuff. Matt says he'd be happy to take Lucy out as long as she has "permission" from her doctor to go. How condescending. Delivering her line in the stop-and-stop method usually preferred by Mackenzie Rosman, Lucy eventually says that she does have permission. Surprisingly, Matt does not ask to see a permission slip before he agrees to take her. Lucy embraces him, causing their heads make contact. A wave of oil gushes forth that flows out of the CamPound and down into a nearby sewer system, where it flows out to pollute the sea and a thousand baby seals die. time, Matt and Lucy, try using some Prell.
Matt and Lucy make their way downstairs. Beverley Mitchell appears to have mistaken the "pregnancy waddle" for the "blind person going over treacherous ground amble" as she places her hands on Matt's shoulders and follows him down. As soon as the two leave the house, we see SamVid spying on them from behind some curtains like the good little Camdens they are. I don't know why they bothered to pull the curtains back, since I'm sure all curtains in the CamPound are made of a special material that allows one to see through them on one side, but not be seen by their prey on the other. You can't get curtains like these at the store, however; RevCam created their special weave in his basement laboratory.
SamVid make their way to the kitchen, where Annie and Kevin are hanging out, and report that Matt and Lucy are gone. "OOOH!" Annie moans in what I believe is supposed to be delight; "nice work, errgghhh ha haaa!" All four exchange high-fives, although SamVid, being slow, pretty much miss every attempt. But it's still funny to see how happy everyone is now that Lucy and Matt are out of the house. I imagine I will have a similar reaction when this show is finally cancelled. "Errgghhh, ha haaa!" I'll say, throwing up a hand in Sars's direction, which she will then, of course, totally miss contact with, having no less than four celebratory half-beers precariously balanced in her hands.
Today's Opening Credits Timewaster consists of various CamFam members moving baby crap into the CamDen. I see a lot of wicker. Finally, we've got a room full of what looks like no less than seven bassinets, a rocking horse, a rocking chair, and a pie. Not a good showing, Camdens. And really, there's just no excuse for them, of all people, not being total experts on what to buy for a new baby. It's really the only thing they're qualified to give advice on, not like that stops them. Happy observes the proceedings with her usual look of indifference mixed with disgust. Annie says they have about an hour before Matt is supposed to bring Lucy home. Kevin says he has one more gift to get and asks Ruthie if she wants to come with him. She does. They leave.
“ It probably is realistic, though, that Lucy spit out her baby in like a tenth of the time it takes most new mothers, since rapid and frequent baby-delivering is no doubt encoded in her genes. ”
Everyone in the crowd starts muttering loudly until Annie yells at them to shut up. What a bitch. Suddenly, we hear the screams of a baby. What amazing acoustics that elevator shaft has! We can hear distant sirens inside it, but the people outside can't hear Lucy's extremely loud labor pain moans. But they can hear a crying baby. The crowd erupts in applause and then they all start hugging each other. Before things can get kinky, Kevin pries open the elevator doors and shouts, "The baby is here! And I helped!" RevCam's response is a "yeah!" and a triumphant fist-pump. The elevator doors shut and we see, in a long shot, that this whole fucking time, the elevator car was level with the first floor and the doors were fairly easily opened. So it was completely unnecessary that Matt had to be the one to deliver his sister's baby. I guess either he, or Lucy, or both, wanted it that way. And that's gross.
The manager turns to the CamRents and says he's glad everything worked out, and he's really sorry about the elevator. He's so sorry, in fact, that he'll give Lucy anything she wants from his store. I hope she doesn't want a ladder, because apparently this store doesn't have any. Annie and RevCam act touched, but I'm sure they're thinking about how they'll now be able to pay for Ruthie and SamVid's college educations with the money they'll win from the resulting lawsuit. The creepy electrician says he think he's got the elevator working again, and the crowd makes a path for the gurney. Various characters look nervous.
Back from commercial, the manager says that Lucy is "ready" to leave the elevator. Drama queen until the end, our Lucy. The elevator doors open to reveal Lucy holding her new baby. And I will give the show a break for casting an obviously older baby as a newborn and not having it all covered in baby goo, because a lot of shows do that. But since this is 7th Heaven, we also have Lucy, sweat-free, fully clothed, and STANDING UP. She even has her stupid boots on. Did she give birth like that or did she go to all the effort of putting those things back on afterwards? Either way, it's ridiculous. And standing? Are you kidding me? I've never given birth, but I have to imagine that the process leaves a little bit of soreness in the pelvic region that would make one not too eager or even able to stand. That and the fact that it's a fairly exhausting exercise. It's also a messy exercise, although you wouldn't know from looking at the elevator or anyone's clothes, which are totally clean. Perhaps the EMTs, having nothing else to do, did some mopping up. It probably is realistic, though, that Lucy spit out her baby in like a tenth of the time it takes most new mothers, since rapid and frequent baby-delivering is no doubt encoded in her genes.
“ Lucy introduces the family to 'Savannah Kinkirk.' The Twinkles of That Baby Is Destined To Work In The Adult Entertainment Industry play. Matt says they have to get Lucy and Savannah to the hospital. 'Let's roll,' he says to the EMTs. They must hate him so much by now. ”
People are STILL at the baby shower, even though they really should have left when, say, they found out that the guest of honor was not going to be attending. Aunt Millicent says she doesn't want to "just leave" without cleaning everything up. Whatever; if I had been treated so rudely, not only would I NOT clean up, but I would also take all of Annie's meatballs and hide them in various places around the house. If I had enough time, I would sew them into the curtains and the couch upholstery. Soon they would rot and start to smell, but the Camdens would have no idea what the smell was or where it was coming from! Aunt Millicent suggests doing some "rearranging" while they're cleaning. FakeRuthie doesn't think the Camdens would appreciate that, but Aunt Millicent uses the time-honored excuse that it's the church's parsonage, so they can do whatever the hell they want to it. Seeing as sometime like this happens every time the Camdens have a baby shower at the CamPound, you'd think they would just stop holding them there. Joy Behar says she wants to see the garage apartment. Brenda Jr. says she heard there wasn't enough room for a baby up there. All five women make "hmmm!" faces.
Lucy's baby stares at her mother with about as much horrified disgust as a baby's face can make. Lucy's lying on the ambulance stretcher with a crowd around her, giving her so much attention that I have to wonder if perhaps Lucy didn't sabotage the elevator for this exact result. RevCam gives Matt a "nice going" and tries not to look too jealous that Matt got to see Lucy's bits and he didn't. Ruthie asks Lucy what the baby's name will be. Lucy says that she thought about giving her a name from the Bible, like everyone else in her family, but then she and Kevin decided to name her after the place they spent their honeymoon. "Jekyll," Simon asks, "like Jekyll Island?" That would be awesome, but Kevin says they didn't go to Jekyll Island, so whatever, Simon. Lucy explains they went to Savannah, Georgia, on their honeymoon, and it was a very "special time" for them. Kevin smiles, fondly remembering one of the last times he had sex. I don't even know where Jekyll Island even is, but I'm sure it's a better place to spend on honeymoon than freaking Georgia. The ten-year-old who wrote this probably just discovered the existence of Georgia in her "maps" class and thought it sounded exotic. Lucy introduces the family to "Savannah Kinkirk." The Twinkles of That Baby Is Destined To Work In The Adult Entertainment Industry play. Matt says they have to get Lucy and Savannah to the hospital. "Let's roll," he says to the EMTs. They must hate him so much by now.
RevCam, Annie, and SamVid follow the stretcher out. Simon, Martin, and Mac hang behind and talk about how this makes them want to get married and have lots of kids. "Maybe I'll marry a girl with a bunch of brothers and sisters," says Martin. The three walk off, leaving Ruthie. Her dead soulless eyes flash and she says, "Who knows? Maybe someday you will. Maybe you will." She doesn't add "during season's May sweeps," because that pretty much goes without saying.
“ 'I love you, Savannah,' says Lucy. Savannah sticks her tongue out at Lucy. I think Savannah is my new favorite character. ”
Nighttime at the CamPound! RevCam's sitting in the kitchen wearing his finest grandpa cardigan. Matt comes down and says that the house has been "completely rearranged." It seems that the baby shower guests just decided who should sleep in which room and moved everyone's personal belongings and furniture around. But this is what the Camdens, desperate for baby shower guests, get for dropping by the local OCD support group meeting and herding its members into the CamPound, isn't it? Anyway, Martin will now be living in the garage apartment, while Kevin and Lucy will be moving to their new house whenever Kevin tells her about its existence. For now, Kevin and Lucy will stay in Simon's room while the room adjoining it, with the sliding connecting doors, will house Savannah. The twins will move to the room Martin was in, and Simon and Martin will share the garage apartment when Simon is home. I hope Mac doesn't get jealous! Ruthie will stay in the attic, because none of the guests had the courage to enter her lair and move her stuff around. Matt asks which room the guests gave him, and RevCam reports that they seem to think that Matt should go back to New York before his marriage "falls apart." Too late, but nice try, ladies. Matt says he'll sleep on the couch. But first, RevCam wants to tell Matt that he's proud of him because Matt will be a "great" doctor and he's already an all-around great guy. Matt credits his parents with how he turned out, and this actually makes a lot of sense. Suck begets suck, does it not? They hug and Matt goes off to bed, telling RevCam he shouldn't be smoking cigars on his way out. RevCam pulls out a cigar and sniffs it. "That's my boy," he says. He goes outside and lights up. I guess even RevCam knows that Matt's medical advice is worth absolutely nothing.
In a hospital room, Lucy and Kevin stare at their new daughter. Savannah stares back, looking extremely worried. Kevin says he has to tell Lucy something. "Is it about the house?" Lucy asks. It turns out that Kevin's realtor is married to one of the EMTs, and she found out that way. I hope the EMT was sure to spend all the free time he had in that elevator not assisting the delivery making fun of the fact that Lucy's husband bought a house without her. Kevin says he tried to take it back, but he couldn't. Lucy says she knows which house it is, and she thinks it's beautiful and wants to keep it. Well, that's easy. Kevin doesn't think Annie is "ready" for them to move. Nor, I suspect, is this show's set construction department. Lucy says they can take their time leaving the CamPound, then. Oh, good. Kevin kisses his daughter and his wife on the forehead. "I love you, Savannah," says Lucy. Savannah sticks her tongue out at Lucy. I think Savannah is my new favorite character. So ends the first baby-delivery TV episode I've ever seen that wasn't even remotely touching.