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We're back from a month and a half of blessed hiatus, and Matt is back home from medical school because he's doing the Columbia Medical School online program now. He takes a whiny Lucy out baby shopping while Annie has a group of women of all ages, none of whom we have ever seen before or were aware of any prior connection to Lucy, over for Lucy's surprise baby shower. Aunt Julie also stops by because Deborah Raffin needs money. After a mix-up in which a nosy store clerk thinks that Matt and Lucy are married, a joke that was played out even before we saw it a few episodes ago, they get themselves stuck in a giant cliché -- I mean, "elevator" -- right as Lucy's going into labor! Eventually, through a series of convoluted coincidences, the entire CamFam (including Simon, excepting Mary) winds up either in or just outside the elevator, with Matt and Kevin arguing over who gets to deliver Lucy's baby, because, like any normal brother, Matt wants to get that close to Lucy's bits. Thankfully, after the quickest labor in the history of ever, Lucy gives birth off-camera so we are spared the same fate. By the time she emerges from the elevator, the baby is three months old and all Lucy's clothes are back on, including her moon boots. In fact, she walks right out of there because apparently giving birth doesn't result in any soreness that would make it difficult to move, so I guess everyone has been lying to me all this time. Kevin and Lucy end up naming their baby "Savannah" because, with Georgia being such a popular vacation destination, that's where they went on their honeymoon. Lucy's so happy to be a mother that she doesn't even tear Kevin a new one for buying her a huge mansion to live in without asking her about it first. RevCam, overjoyed that Lucy and Kevin and their stripper-porno-star-named baby will no longer be living with him, celebrates by donning his Grandpa cardigan and smoking up. And because there just weren't enough squicky incest vibes in this episode, with Matt delivering the baby and Simon desperately wanting to take part, we get Ruthie telling Martin, who she claims to love like a brother, that she's going to marry him. Great. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
And we return from a wonderful and refreshing month-and-half-long break for what the previews promise will be the "biggest 7th Heaven event ever." Notice how they didn't say it was the "best," because that would, of course, be a serial killer taking each Camden out, one by one. Starting with Lucy.
We open on Lucy sulking in bed, which was pretty much where we left her. Kevin says he has to go run some errands and tells her not to leave the bed while he's out. Lucy says that her doctor told her she could spend some time on her feet and take "short trips," which is news to me since last I heard, she was on complete bedrest, and I'm pretty sure those orders don't relax as the pregnancy gets closer to its end point. Kevin volunteers to get Lucy whatever she needs. She runs off a list of baby supplies, saying that she still needs to buy all of these things since it looks like no one had the "decency" to throw her a baby shower where she would get all these things for free. Maybe it's because Lucy doesn't have the "decency" to not sit around expecting people to do things for her all the time. I mean, who would even throw Lucy a shower? Her only friend is Roxanne, and she would rather be in Iraq than attending your weekly pizza nights. Take a hint, Lucy. Kevin says he can get everything Lucy needs, prompting her to shriek that Kevin can't do it, even though he just said he could and she told him to. She begs him to take her shopping, saying, "I promise, I'll do it so quickly, I'll be in and out, just like that." How ironic, considering that I bet a line like that from Kevin was what got Lucy pregnant in the first place. Lucy says that Kevin didn't even manage to get the stuff she sent him out for last week, but Kevin says he did -- he's just waiting for Annie to put them together. Well, that's pathetic. Perhaps I should consider reporting my parents to Child Protective Services time I buy a bookshelf from IKEA and they won't fly across the country to assemble it for me.
Lucy does some more whining about how she needs to go shopping because Kevin knows "nothing" about nursing bras. True, that; I doubt Lucy has ever let him see the things such a device is meant to hold. Kevin three-peats that if Lucy writes everything down, he'll pick it up for her later. He'll have someone help him out with the bra. I have a feeling that any one of Kevin's siblings-in-law would be more than eager to volunteer for that mission. I also think that whoever does end up going should buy those bras in bulk because Lucy strikes me as someone who breast feeds her baby for a long time, to encourage its dependence. Lucy says the fact that no one threw her a baby shower "sucks." Whoa, easy there, Lucy! Such language could bump this "very special episode" up to a PG rating, thus banning it from the V-chipped sets of the majority of this show's audience! Kevin scolds Lucy for her language and plants the requisite kiss on her forehead.
As soon as Kevin leaves, Lucy is out of the bed and putting on some shoes. Matt silently observes this from the hallway, which he can do now that he is apparently taking his med school classes online. At the local library, since the Camdens claim to not have the internet, even though Martin regularly sends emails to his dad from his bedroom. Lucy finally sees Matt and is overjoyed to gain a new sounding board for her complaints about not having a baby shower and needing to shop for baby stuff. Matt says he'd be happy to take Lucy out as long as she has "permission" from her doctor to go. How condescending. Delivering her line in the stop-and-stop method usually preferred by Mackenzie Rosman, Lucy eventually says that she does have permission. Surprisingly, Matt does not ask to see a permission slip before he agrees to take her. Lucy embraces him, causing their heads make contact. A wave of oil gushes forth that flows out of the CamPound and down into a nearby sewer system, where it flows out to pollute the sea and a thousand baby seals die. time, Matt and Lucy, try using some Prell.
Matt and Lucy make their way downstairs. Beverley Mitchell appears to have mistaken the "pregnancy waddle" for the "blind person going over treacherous ground amble" as she places her hands on Matt's shoulders and follows him down. As soon as the two leave the house, we see SamVid spying on them from behind some curtains like the good little Camdens they are. I don't know why they bothered to pull the curtains back, since I'm sure all curtains in the CamPound are made of a special material that allows one to see through them on one side, but not be seen by their prey on the other. You can't get curtains like these at the store, however; RevCam created their special weave in his basement laboratory.
SamVid make their way to the kitchen, where Annie and Kevin are hanging out, and report that Matt and Lucy are gone. "OOOH!" Annie moans in what I believe is supposed to be delight; "nice work, errgghhh ha haaa!" All four exchange high-fives, although SamVid, being slow, pretty much miss every attempt. But it's still funny to see how happy everyone is now that Lucy and Matt are out of the house. I imagine I will have a similar reaction when this show is finally cancelled. "Errgghhh, ha haaa!" I'll say, throwing up a hand in Sars's direction, which she will then, of course, totally miss contact with, having no less than four celebratory half-beers precariously balanced in her hands.
Today's Opening Credits Timewaster consists of various CamFam members moving baby crap into the CamDen. I see a lot of wicker. Finally, we've got a room full of what looks like no less than seven bassinets, a rocking horse, a rocking chair, and a pie. Not a good showing, Camdens. And really, there's just no excuse for them, of all people, not being total experts on what to buy for a new baby. It's really the only thing they're qualified to give advice on, not like that stops them. Happy observes the proceedings with her usual look of indifference mixed with disgust. Annie says they have about an hour before Matt is supposed to bring Lucy home. Kevin says he has one more gift to get and asks Ruthie if she wants to come with him. She does. They leave.
RevCam takes a seat on the couch, earning him some nagging from Annie, who says they still have work to do. RevCam protests, saying that he isn't even invited to the shower he apparently has to work so hard to set up. Annie tells RevCam he is welcome to attend. RevCam says it's an "old-fashioned" "ladies only" shower. I still don't see why he can't go, but thanks for the clumsy exposition, CamRents. Martin enters with SamVid and says he's taking them to the park to play baseball, because I guess the Camdens' backyard disappeared during the hiatus. RevCam bitches that he'll be stuck at the CamPound "helping." Martin and Vid agree that that sucks for RevCam, and the three take off.
"There's still...some presents...in the trunk of the car...that maybe you could...get?" Annie says to RevCam, making some weird gesture with her hands. It seems that the Mackenzie Rosman Odd Pause Delivery Virus is very contagious this week. The presents are from Mary, by the way. "Such a shame she can't be here," Annie says, not really looking all that sad about it. I bet Jessica Biel isn't too sad about it either. RevCam asks Annie if this entire room full of stuff is from them to Lucy. Annie says it is, because that's how people live on a tight budget; they spend a lot of money on new stuff when they could have just given second-hand things or, better yet, made Kevin McMoneybags pay for the stuff for his own damn baby his own damn self. Annie says she can't wait to have a "new baby" in the house, the "old" babies inhabiting it being, of course, Annie and Lucy. RevCam pauses, then wonders aloud if Kevin and Lucy shouldn't be living in their own home soon, even if Annie doesn't want them to leave the CamPound. Annie makes a scary face, then suggests, her tone flat and her jaw set, that they could "build onto" the CamPound. "No. We can't," says RevCam. At this, Annie does her best impersonation of a duck. "No," says RevCam again, but his attempt to flee the room ends in hilarity when he trips over the rocking horse. At least Annie has the decency to not laugh in his face, which I certainly didn't.
Inside some store, Lucy plunks some baby supplies into the waiting arms of Matt. Hey, remember two episodes ago when Lucy made Matt go grocery shopping with her? Well, it's just like that, except with ugly electric green onesies instead of spicy garlic green beans. Lucy asks a passing store employee where she can find baby blankets. Because when you only have a few hours to buy all the baby essentials, why not waste some of it on a blanket? I'm just glad that the nursing bra shopping scene presumably took place off-camera. The store employee tells directs them to the linen department on the second floor, because why would a store keep all baby items in one location when they could put some things upstairs, thus necessitating the need to use a broken elevator? Store Employee says he'd be happy to show Lucy and her "husband" to the baby blanket department, because that's the kind of personal attention you would never, ever get in a department store. Lucy clarifies that Matt is not her husband. She does not, however, continue to explain that he's actually her brother, because that would mean we couldn't have yet another "hilarious" scene where someone thinks that the CamSibs are doing each other. These have been occurring quite frequently as of late ["and started occurring in the pilot, for God's sack" -- Sars], and I'm starting to wonder if the writers are trying to hint at something. By the end of the episode, they will have done more than that. As the store employee, who I'm just going to call Frank from now on, leads them away, Lucy blabbers out an explanation about how she is married, but she can't wear her ring because her hands are swollen. Frank rolls his eyes and tries not to shoot himself in the face.
The three enter an elevator, and Frank presses the button for the second floor. Instead, the button for the first floor lights up and the doors open. Frank tries again and it happens again. And again. Frank explains that they have a new elevator and it's a "little tricky." I think it's more "broken" than "tricky," but let's not argue semantics, as this elevator is the only way for Matt and Lucy to get to the second floor, the escalators this store is also said to have apparently being one of Satan's toys. Finally, the elevator reaches the second floor. Lucy asks Matt why he isn't wearing his wedding ring. He makes something up about how he and PC don't wear their wedding bands at work because PC "has her reasons." "But we don't care," says Matt, "we're in love, we're married -- things are great! We don't need wedding bands." Oh, man. Matt and PC are so divorced it's not even funny. Well, it is a little funny.
Kevin and Ruthie are standing in front of a house that may even be bigger than the CamPound, if such a thing is even possible. Kevin asks for Ruthie's opinion of the place, and it dawns on her that Kevin bought it without even consulting Lucy. Kevin's explanation for this complete and total lack of sense is that he's a character on 7th Heaven. Also, neither he nor Lucy were planning on spending so much money on a house, so he went ahead and did it without telling her. He's planning on surprising her with it after the shower. It's kind of funny how a guy who didn't even want to spend an extra five thousand dollars on some crappy little house last season is suddenly ready, willing, and able to buy a multi-million dollar mansion now he's no longer in the garage apartment and actually has to see the CamRents at times besides when he's stealing their food. Ruthie predicts that Lucy will have the baby on the front yard when she sees what Kevin did. Kevin asks if that's a good thing. Ruthie says it isn't; Lucy is a totally paranoid conspiracy freak and when she finds out that one of her irrational fears was actually justified, she's going to flip out. And lose the strangle-hold I'm sure she has on her uterus. Kevin creepily orders Ruthie to say that Lucy will love it. "Can you get out of it?" Ruthie bravely asks instead. Kevin says he had to outbid three other buyers for the house and it's the best house in the entire country. Ruthie says none of that will matter to Lucy. And she's right.
Lucy and Matt emerge from a dark corner of the Weirdest Department Store Ever to find themselves in the jewelry section. Actually, knowing this place, it's just the ring section; necklaces and earrings can be found at various kiosks on the first, third, and fifth floors for your inconvenience. Lucy orders Matt to buy a wedding ring that he can wear while he's out with her so that people won't think they're married to each other. This doesn't make any sense, and it's at this point that I started to suspect that this episode was actually written by a ten-year-old with a limited sense of reality. Matt doesn't want a new ring, but Lucy is already asking the lady at the counter to show them some rings. She orders Matt to try some on. Matt tells Lucy to try on rings herself. Lucy says she already has a ring. Matt says he does, too. Ring ownership ascertained, Matt tries on a ring. Over in a corner, Frank and some other employee are all happy that Lucy and Matt are getting married. The other employee responds with some bitchy and foreshadow-y comment about how they better get married soon because Lucy looks like she could give birth anytime. Hey, guys? I believe they're selling "Lives" on the first floor. And you can get a ten percent employee discount!
The CamDen is filled with a bunch of chattering women we've never seen before. But here's someone we have seen before -- Aunt Julie! Crap! Annie walks in and asks her about Hank and their kids, and Julie says they're at the zoo. "Sam and David went to the park with Martin," Annie says, like anyone cares. Julie feigns interest until RevCam walks in and says hello. Julie whines that if she knew the shower was co-ed, she would have brought Ed Begley, Jr. Well, thank God for mixed signals.
Kevin and Ruthie have returned, and Annie asks them about Kevin's present for Lucy. Ruthie says she doesn't think Lucy will like it, nor will Annie. Who cares what Annie thinks? Kevin says he has to make a phone call. RevCam follows him into the kitchen and asks what Kevin got for Lucy. "A house," says Kevin. "Great!" says RevCam. Kevin says that's what he thought, but now he's scared that Lucy will be mad, so he's going to take it back. RevCam asks if the deal is closed; Kevin says it is. I doubt someone with such an obvious lack of knowledge and understanding about contracts would have been considered mentally competent enough to legally sign one, however, so maybe he can take it back. RevCam tries to think of some ways for Kevin to tell Lucy about the house so that she won't be mad, because he is desperate to get his horrible middle child out of his home already. RevCam says that Kevin should show the house to Lucy without saying that he bought it and then, when she loves it, "buy" it. Great plan, RevCam, except for the giant "SOLD" sign in the front of the house. I know Lucy rarely takes the time to look at anything besides herself, but I think even she would notice that. Kevin says that if RevCam is suggesting that Kevin lie to Lucy, he must really want them out of his house. But he's going to call the realtor anyway and try to take the mansion back. Except that now his cell phone battery is dead. I don't see why this is a problem for Kevin; surely he can just plug it into one of his sockets and have it recharged in less than ten minutes. RevCam wonders if perhaps God drained Kevin's cell phone battery so that Kevin wouldn't take the house back. Apparently RevCam is a minister of whatever sect of Protestantism it is that believes that God has nothing better to do. Kevin grabs the Camden house phone.
Big Stupid Matt can't get the wedding ring off his finger. He should just rub it on his hair, which holds about seventeen cans of WD-40's worth of oily lubricant. Lucy tells Matt to just buy the ring because now, after wasting all that time dragging Matt to this stupid counter and making him try on this ring, she wants to go home. Frank comes over and says that Matt can wear the ring out of the store if he wants, and Matt says he doesn't want the ring because he already has one at home. "Whatever you say," Frank says with a wink. Suddenly, Lucy looks down, then back up. "Uh oh," she says. Matt looks at the floor below Lucy and says "uh oh" as well, and that they have to go to the hospital. I'm guessing Lucy's water just broke, although no one says exactly what is going on, so you could assume that the baby just straight up fell out of Lucy and onto the floor. Like Ruthie said, this can happen when Lucy is upset. Matt uses his own spit for lubricant and manages to twist the ring off. He throws it on the counter, and he and Lucy take off. Wow, that sucks so bad for the jewelry store counter clerk. Two Camdens left their bodily fluids all over her display and her wares. She's going to need a lot of Lysol.
Matt escorts Lucy to the elevator. They stand outside it and make those loud Lamaze-y exhales that I don't think anyone ever does in real life. The elevator opens and, of course, Matt and Lucy rudely rush in before its passenger exits. For a second I was afraid for her that she was going to get trapped in an elevator with those two. God, that would be horrible. Her only option would be to commit hari-kari using that huge pointy pendant Matt wears around his neck. At the last minute, however, she manages to escape. I would like to know why, exactly, she was walking around a department store wearing what appear to be surgical scrubs and carrying two books, but we'll never see her again. Inside the elevator, Matt darts around like a freaking grasshopper while telling Lucy to stay calm. She calmly says she is calm, and that's like the first time in her life that this is true. Matt cackles dementedly. Wow, he sure does have a good bedside manner. That's what I want out of my doctor: someone who, if I'm ever having a medical emergency, reacts by becoming totally insane. Suddenly, the elevator shudders and stops amid flickering lights and the sound of scraping metal and the Violins of Suspense. That can't mean anything good. Matt presses the "door open" button over and over again, despite the fact that this isn't doing any good and it's right above the "alarm" button, which might be more useful at this point. Matt continues to freak out while Lucy makes a worried expression that is no doubt similar to Brenda's as she hoped that no one in her audience saw the last season of Welcome Back, Kotter when this happened to Vinnie Barbarino. Or, for that matter, any of thousands of other shows that have done the giving-birth-in-a-stuck-elevator episode. None of which, I'd like to add, put the pregnant woman in there with her freaking brother. I don't care if he's a future gynecologist; that's disgusting.
The baby shower guests help themselves to food. Annie walks in and apologizes that Lucy hasn't come back from the store yet. "She's been on bedrest for a while. Hope she's okay," says Aunt Julie, her delivery of the line incredibly reminiscent of Kip from Napoleon Dynamite.
Annie walks into the kitchen, where she finds Kevin on the phone and Ruthie and RevCam blatantly listening to his conversation. They don't even try to hide their nosiness anymore. On the phone, Kevin asks his realtor if someone has ever returned "a gift like this" before, because not just saying exactly what the gift is provides us with an opportunity to see Annie guess what it could be. Here she goes: "He didn't buy jewelry for the baby, did he? Oh, I do not like baby jewelry, especially not expensive baby jewelry. Ugh!" Kevin tells his realtor he doesn't think his wife will like "it." "Lucy does not like baby jewelry!" Annie cries, as if she and Lucy have had discussions about something so ridiculously mundane before. Which they probably have. Finally, Ruthie explains to Annie that the gift isn't fucking baby jewelry. Annie makes her second guess: "You didn't do something stupid like going out and buying a house that Lucy's never even set foot in, did you?" she asks Kevin, who is trying to talk on the phone, like, wait your turn, Annie. "Yep," everyone says. Annie tells Kevin to take that house right back and buy one with Lucy once the baby arrives. Which is what he's trying to do right now anyway, Annie, although your constant interruptions are making it difficult. Her jaw set, Annie walks up to Kevin and gets right up in his face. "Take it back!" she hisses. Kevin winces. RevCam and Ruthie just look relieved that she's focusing her insane rage at someone other than them for a change.
As SamVid and Martin walk through an aisle filled with sporting goods, Martin exposits that SamVid need new baseball gloves. SamVid say they're tired of playing baseball anyway. Like the abusive control-freak father he's destined to be, Martin tells them to "tough it out, okay? You're never gonna get anywhere with that kind of attitude. It's a man's game. Be a man. Be strong." SamVid say they aren't men yet. And they're hungry. Martin takes them to get some food, but after that, they're going to get the gloves and return to their baseball torture.
In the elevator, Matt tells Lucy not to worry. Frank has managed to climb down the shaft and onto the top of the elevator. He lifts a panel and tells Matt and Lucy that an electrician is on the way to fix the elevator. I wouldn't think that whatever would cause the shrieks of scraping metal would be solely electrical in nature, but whatever. Matt informs Frank that Lucy is in labor. "Ugh!" Frank says, a hilarious expression of disgust on his face. It looks a lot like the one I wore for this entire episode, except a thousand times less intense. Matt tells Frank to call an ambulance, "just in case," which shocks both Frank and Lucy, both of whom react as if Matt had ordered a coroner instead of trained emergency medical personnel.
Suddenly, a loud, guttural, moan issues forth from Lucy's mouth. Oh, my ears. Frank takes off to call the ambulance and Matt pulls out his cell phone, which is the same exact cell phone as Kevin had, like, the prop department may want to consider buying more than one prop phone and, while they're at it, get some that aren't from the early '90s. When people on the Miami Vice reruns that probably get higher ratings than this show are flashing cell phones more modern than the characters on your show, it's time to update. Oh, and while they're at it, they might want to get more than one pregnancy pad for Beverley Mitchell, because the one she's wearing right now is a lot smaller than someone who could give birth at any minute should be. Because she apparently has nothing better to worry about, Lucy says she doesn't want to go to the hospital in an ambulance because ambulances are "creepy." As we will soon see, Lucy's definition of what is and isn't "creepy" is very different from the rest of the world's. Lucy orders Matt to call her husband, but Matt says his phone doesn't get any signal in the elevator. I'd like to think that this is because the store employees, seeing an opportunity to rid the world of two great annoyances, have sealed off the elevator shaft in a thick wall of concrete, but it's probably just because there are no more cell phone towers that carry whatever analog frequency Matt's antique cell phone uses. Lucy asks Matt why, every time she's with him, her baby wants "out." Wanting to leave an area whenever Matt enters it seems fairly common and understandable to me. The real question is why the baby hasn't been trying to get the hell out of Lucy since the moment it was conceived. Lucy demands that Matt make some ridiculous promise that he'll get her to the hospital, as if him promising that will magically make the elevator doors open. Then she gets hit with another labor pain, and we get to see some more horrible faces.
Mac wanders up to the elevator and presses the button. Some guy walks up and tells him that he'll have to use the escalator as the elevator is not working. Or maybe Mac's able-bodied teenage self could try taking the stairs. Mac asks if the baby stuff is "still" on the second floor. Good to know that he has a good, if outdated, mental map of the department store's layout. The guy tells Mac that baby stuff is on the first floor, and points Mac in its direction. But what if Mac wanted to buy a baby blanket?
Mac strolls past a cafeteria on his way, where, coincidence of all coincidences, Martin and SamVid are eating! Martin asks Mac what he's doing there, and Mac says that his mom suggested that he get Lucy's baby a gift since he eats at the CamPound three times a week. Not like Lucy had anything to do with purchasing or preparing those meals, but, whatever. Martin starts to worry that maybe he should get Lucy a gift, too. SamVid like this idea much more than the baseball. "I'd rather go shopping," says Sam. "I like to shop," adds Vid. As some people in the forums have pointed out, between this and their rendition of "YMCA" a few episodes back, SamVid are starting to look awfully gay. So are Martin and Mac, as Mac hops over the counter and sits to Martin.
Frank makes another visit to the elevator and tells Matt and Lucy that the ambulance should be there soon. Matt writes down a few phone numbers he wants Frank to call for them. When Lucy demands that Kevin be on that list, Frank takes a minute to ask Matt if he actually is Lucy's brother. Lucy further delays things by saying that she actually is married, because preserving her moral purity is more important than to her than the baby she's about to deliver. Frank rushes off.
Lucy asks Matt how, exactly, he's supposed to get her into an ambulance and to the hospital if he can't even get her out of the elevator. Matt says he thought about this. Apparently not enough, or else he would have asked Frank to hand them a ladder that a department store with a cafeteria and a sporting goods section is bound to carry, and then they both could have easily climbed out of the elevator. Lucy ends the scene in her now-usual fashion, squeezing Matt's hand hard as she experiences another contraction. Wimpy Matt winces in pain.
The baby shower guests are still helping themselves to the free food. They surround Aunt Julie and ask her if there's anything wrong, with the usual non-acting ability this show's guest and regular cast displays. Julie says that everyone is off dealing with something Kevin bought for Lucy, but she doesn't know what the present is. "I bet I know," says some random twelve-year-old girl, whose presence in this scene I can only explain by guessing that she must have been the author of this episode; "it's a house, isn't it?" I don't know why Ruthie, who is sitting right to the girl and obviously listening to the conversation, can't just tell everyone what it is. Oh, wait -- that's not Ruthie after all! It's the only other African-American girl in town. The three adult guests cluck in surprise at Kevin's purchase. Aunt Julie says she doesn't think Kevin would buy Lucy a house as a surprise. "I think he would. He's handsome," says the girl, who I'm just going to call Brenda, Jr. Julie demands to know what someone's good looks have to do with buying a nice house. It's important for her to know this because she is, after all, married to Ed Begley, Jr., whose looks could maybe get them a toolshed if that is the basis. "Nothing," responds the girl, "I was just saying." That's great.
Suddenly, Aunt Julie's cell phone, in which have occurred the twin miracles of not being out of batteries and being able to receive signals, rings. She leaves the room to take the call, putting this scene in the completely incapable hands of its five guest stars. "I wonder whose house he could've bought," an elderly woman I'm going to call Aunt Millicent says. The lady who looks like The View's Joy Behar makes a "hmmm!" face.
In the kitchen, our rude party hosts are trying to figure out a way to see Kevin's new house while the baby shower is still going on. Kevin says that they have a pool, although, sadly, it's fenced, so Happy won't be able to drown herself in it. I guess she'll have to try the cookie overdose again. Kevin adds that the house also has a "spa" and "rose gardens." The realtor calls and Kevin leaves to take it. RevCam tells Annie she can't leave the CamPound when they have a whole room full of baby shower guests, but Annie waves her arms dismissively. Suddenly, Aunt Julie rushes in, frantic. Apparently, Ed Begley, Jr. managed to get himself and their kids kicked out of the zoo. You see, Erica threw some fried chicken into the monkey cage and a monkey choked on it. Wow, Camdens and their relatives are spreading terror all over Glenoak today! Anyway, Julie has to go and...uh...give the monkey the Heimlich or bail Ed Begley, Jr. out of the zoo jail or something, so she rushes off. I have to wonder if Aunt Julie was originally just supposed to say that Erica had a fever and she needed to get home to take care of her, and Deborah Raffin decided to get revenge on the writers for putting her in the episode, only to take her out of it before the touching CamClan moments started, and just ad-libbed that whole thing. Then again, this is the woman with, as we saw from the episode she directed, all the creativity of a can of spicy garlic green beans. Which is still more than that possessed by Brenda Hampton.
Kevin comes back in the room and says one of the house's other bidders will buy the house from him, but it will mean Kevin will lose twenty-five thousand dollars on the deal. Annie decides she must see this house, and orders Ruthie to stay there and watch the party. Ruthie says there's more than enough food to keep the guests happy and she wants to see the house, too, even though she just saw it. "This is so rude of me," Annie acknowledges. "Let's go!" she squeals, a huge scary smile breaking out on her face. All four of them rush out the door. As soon as they're gone, the phone rings.
Completely unsupervised, SamVid pull toys off shelves to give to the baby. They say that if the baby doesn't like the toys, then can just keep them for themselves. Annie will allow this to happen so that they won't be jealous about the new baby. I must say, I'm almost impressed with the twins this week. They're almost on a three-year-old intelligence level. Too bad that's when they're considered collectively.
Mac and Martin stroll around the baby section trying to figure out what to get for a newborn baby. Mac suggests a teddy bear, but Martin thinks it's too soon for that. They decide to "think outside the box" (ew) about baby gifts. They walk away, revealing an old lady and a slightly younger woman who are gossiping about how someone has gone into labor in the department store elevator. The old lady isn't worried since, as she says, women used to give birth at home all the time. Yes, back in the days when the infant mortality rate was a lot higher, as were the number of women dying during childbirth. And these women had experienced midwives. Mac and Martin walk up and ask the women what to buy for a baby shower. The crazy old lady suggests a breast pump. But is that as funny as a monkey choking on a chicken bone? Actually, it's equal, since both are tied at "zero."
Frank stops by the elevator and reports that he couldn't get hold of anyone on the phone. Matt says they have to be home; they're having a baby shower. "For who?" Lucy asks, idiotically. Frank says he hears sirens, so the ambulance must be on its way. The electrician, however, is not. Suddenly, Lucy starts to moan in pain again, and Matt sends Frank off to get the EMTs. On his way out, perhaps Frank could also grab a LADDER, which would solve everyone's problems immediately.
Back at the baby shower, the adult who isn't Joy Behar or Aunt Millicent declares that this is the "strangest" baby shower she's ever attended. Joy says she's just glad that they don't have to play any stupid shower games. The teenage girls chuckle. The phone rings, and Brenda Jr. says they should answer it. "It's not our house," says the Baby Shower Weirdness Judge. Aunt Millicent corrects her; this house belongs to the church. FakeRuthie answers the phone, listens, and then hangs up without saying goodbye. I'm still not sure that isn't Ruthie. From her three-second phone conversation, she heard that Lucy is in labor at the "Big Big Department Store." And all this time, I thought they were at a Wal-Mart, judging by those blue vests the employees had to wear. I'm going to give the department store's ridiculous name a pass because hey, could you have come up with anything better when you were ten? I'm sure this is the best this episode's writer could come up with. FakeRuthie says they have to find the Camdens and tell them. At that moment, the real Ruthie walks in, full of apologies for trapping a party full of strangers in a room full of fattening foods.
In the kitchen, Annie is almost beside herself with sadness that her "meatballs" are "all dried up." Meanwhile, my eyeballs are all poked out. Ruthie runs in and announces that Lucy is in labor and stuck in the Big Big Department Store. Annie lets out a few Big Big and more-than-slightly-orgasmic cries as she points her finger at various places around the kitchen until RevCam can get her out the door. She still reacted more calmly than Dr. Matt.
Mac and Martin are with SamVid again. They come across a big crowd in front of the elevator. Mac says they must be here for the woman having her baby in the elevator. SamVid guess that the woman is Lucy. Since apparently there are no other pregnant women in Glenoak, Mac and Martin become alarmed and push their way to the front of the crowd. They find Frank and a man who must be the store manager and ask if Lucy Kinkirk is in there. "We're her brothers," say SamVid. "She said the guy in there is her brother," says Frank, who apparently doesn't realize that you can have more than one sibling. Meanwhile, the electrician pretends to do some repair work on the elevator panel wiring, because I guess making the correct buttons light up is more important than getting the actual elevator to work right now.
The EMTs have arrived in the elevator, as has some sort of mattress outfitted with sheets and pillows and a giant teddy bear. You'd think that if you could get all those things into an elevator, you'd be able to get one pregnant woman out, but I guess not. Meanwhile, the EMTs have removed Lucy's heinous half-sweatshirt and...that's it. The rest of her clothes remain on and her knees are pressed tightly together under her ridiculously tight skirt. I can see she's ready to give birth. Kevin hunkily drops into the elevator and takes a look at the EMTs and Matt. "You better not be looking at my wife!" he says to them. No, Kevin. They're planning to deliver the baby with baseball mitts while wearing blindfolds. "I'm a doctor," Matt lies. "I hope that doesn't mean what I think it means," says Kevin. Because preserving your wife's modesty is the most important thing to worry about when she's IN LABOR with YOUR CHILD. Also, thank you, Kevin, for putting the image of Matt "looking" at Lucy in my mind. Matt tells Kevin that either Matt can deliver the baby, or the "two strangers" can. This is just ridiculous. Those "two strangers" are EMERGENCY MEDICAL TECHNICIANS, okay? They are the only people on this elevator truly qualified to do this. Plus, they have the added advantage of not being RELATED to the person whose intimate parts they're about to be closely acquainted with. This all makes even less sense than Lucy wanting Matt to own a second wedding ring. Kevin says he has training in baby delivery, so he should do it. Lucy wants Matt to do it. I could be in labor and trapped in an elevator with only my brother, and I still wouldn't want him to deliver my baby. I would make him stand in the corner, facing the wall, covering his ears and singing loudly while I went and did it myself. The question of who will deliver Lucy's baby is still unresolved as the scene ends. Matt, wearing a pair of rubber gloves, rubs Lucy's skirt-covered leg, thus rendering the gloves unsanitary. Way to go, "doctor."
Outside the elevator, RevCam, Annie, and Ruthie push their way to the front of the crowd. There they find Mac, Martin, and SamVid. The manager reports that, according to the "doctor" inside the elevator, Lucy is fine. Frank is confused yet again, because he doesn't realize that you can be both a doctor and a brother. RevCam clears it up, saying that Matt is a "doctor. Almost." Manager's like, "What do you mean 'almost?' He's not like a vet or something?" Although I think a veterinarian would actually be more qualified than Matt. Shit, even Frank is more qualified than Matt. At the mention of vets, Martin starts trying to talk about how his dad is a Marine in Iraq, but he's interrupted by the arrival of Simon, who is in town for the shower and came to the Big Big Department Store to buy a gift. Another amazing coincidence. When Annie tells Simon that his sister is giving birth in an elevator, Simon screams that this is great. "We can't go in there, can we?" he asks. DUDE. STAY OUT OF YOUR SISTER'S VAGINA. SERIOUSLY.
Everyone in the crowd starts muttering loudly until Annie yells at them to shut up. What a bitch. Suddenly, we hear the screams of a baby. What amazing acoustics that elevator shaft has! We can hear distant sirens inside it, but the people outside can't hear Lucy's extremely loud labor pain moans. But they can hear a crying baby. The crowd erupts in applause and then they all start hugging each other. Before things can get kinky, Kevin pries open the elevator doors and shouts, "The baby is here! And I helped!" RevCam's response is a "yeah!" and a triumphant fist-pump. The elevator doors shut and we see, in a long shot, that this whole fucking time, the elevator car was level with the first floor and the doors were fairly easily opened. So it was completely unnecessary that Matt had to be the one to deliver his sister's baby. I guess either he, or Lucy, or both, wanted it that way. And that's gross.
The manager turns to the CamRents and says he's glad everything worked out, and he's really sorry about the elevator. He's so sorry, in fact, that he'll give Lucy anything she wants from his store. I hope she doesn't want a ladder, because apparently this store doesn't have any. Annie and RevCam act touched, but I'm sure they're thinking about how they'll now be able to pay for Ruthie and SamVid's college educations with the money they'll win from the resulting lawsuit. The creepy electrician says he think he's got the elevator working again, and the crowd makes a path for the gurney. Various characters look nervous.
Back from commercial, the manager says that Lucy is "ready" to leave the elevator. Drama queen until the end, our Lucy. The elevator doors open to reveal Lucy holding her new baby. And I will give the show a break for casting an obviously older baby as a newborn and not having it all covered in baby goo, because a lot of shows do that. But since this is 7th Heaven, we also have Lucy, sweat-free, fully clothed, and STANDING UP. She even has her stupid boots on. Did she give birth like that or did she go to all the effort of putting those things back on afterwards? Either way, it's ridiculous. And standing? Are you kidding me? I've never given birth, but I have to imagine that the process leaves a little bit of soreness in the pelvic region that would make one not too eager or even able to stand. That and the fact that it's a fairly exhausting exercise. It's also a messy exercise, although you wouldn't know from looking at the elevator or anyone's clothes, which are totally clean. Perhaps the EMTs, having nothing else to do, did some mopping up. It probably is realistic, though, that Lucy spit out her baby in like a tenth of the time it takes most new mothers, since rapid and frequent baby-delivering is no doubt encoded in her genes.
People are STILL at the baby shower, even though they really should have left when, say, they found out that the guest of honor was not going to be attending. Aunt Millicent says she doesn't want to "just leave" without cleaning everything up. Whatever; if I had been treated so rudely, not only would I NOT clean up, but I would also take all of Annie's meatballs and hide them in various places around the house. If I had enough time, I would sew them into the curtains and the couch upholstery. Soon they would rot and start to smell, but the Camdens would have no idea what the smell was or where it was coming from! Aunt Millicent suggests doing some "rearranging" while they're cleaning. FakeRuthie doesn't think the Camdens would appreciate that, but Aunt Millicent uses the time-honored excuse that it's the church's parsonage, so they can do whatever the hell they want to it. Seeing as sometime like this happens every time the Camdens have a baby shower at the CamPound, you'd think they would just stop holding them there. Joy Behar says she wants to see the garage apartment. Brenda Jr. says she heard there wasn't enough room for a baby up there. All five women make "hmmm!" faces.
Lucy's baby stares at her mother with about as much horrified disgust as a baby's face can make. Lucy's lying on the ambulance stretcher with a crowd around her, giving her so much attention that I have to wonder if perhaps Lucy didn't sabotage the elevator for this exact result. RevCam gives Matt a "nice going" and tries not to look too jealous that Matt got to see Lucy's bits and he didn't. Ruthie asks Lucy what the baby's name will be. Lucy says that she thought about giving her a name from the Bible, like everyone else in her family, but then she and Kevin decided to name her after the place they spent their honeymoon. "Jekyll," Simon asks, "like Jekyll Island?" That would be awesome, but Kevin says they didn't go to Jekyll Island, so whatever, Simon. Lucy explains they went to Savannah, Georgia, on their honeymoon, and it was a very "special time" for them. Kevin smiles, fondly remembering one of the last times he had sex. I don't even know where Jekyll Island even is, but I'm sure it's a better place to spend on honeymoon than freaking Georgia. The ten-year-old who wrote this probably just discovered the existence of Georgia in her "maps" class and thought it sounded exotic. Lucy introduces the family to "Savannah Kinkirk." The Twinkles of That Baby Is Destined To Work In The Adult Entertainment Industry play. Matt says they have to get Lucy and Savannah to the hospital. "Let's roll," he says to the EMTs. They must hate him so much by now.
RevCam, Annie, and SamVid follow the stretcher out. Simon, Martin, and Mac hang behind and talk about how this makes them want to get married and have lots of kids. "Maybe I'll marry a girl with a bunch of brothers and sisters," says Martin. The three walk off, leaving Ruthie. Her dead soulless eyes flash and she says, "Who knows? Maybe someday you will. Maybe you will." She doesn't add "during season's May sweeps," because that pretty much goes without saying.
Nighttime at the CamPound! RevCam's sitting in the kitchen wearing his finest grandpa cardigan. Matt comes down and says that the house has been "completely rearranged." It seems that the baby shower guests just decided who should sleep in which room and moved everyone's personal belongings and furniture around. But this is what the Camdens, desperate for baby shower guests, get for dropping by the local OCD support group meeting and herding its members into the CamPound, isn't it? Anyway, Martin will now be living in the garage apartment, while Kevin and Lucy will be moving to their new house whenever Kevin tells her about its existence. For now, Kevin and Lucy will stay in Simon's room while the room adjoining it, with the sliding connecting doors, will house Savannah. The twins will move to the room Martin was in, and Simon and Martin will share the garage apartment when Simon is home. I hope Mac doesn't get jealous! Ruthie will stay in the attic, because none of the guests had the courage to enter her lair and move her stuff around. Matt asks which room the guests gave him, and RevCam reports that they seem to think that Matt should go back to New York before his marriage "falls apart." Too late, but nice try, ladies. Matt says he'll sleep on the couch. But first, RevCam wants to tell Matt that he's proud of him because Matt will be a "great" doctor and he's already an all-around great guy. Matt credits his parents with how he turned out, and this actually makes a lot of sense. Suck begets suck, does it not? They hug and Matt goes off to bed, telling RevCam he shouldn't be smoking cigars on his way out. RevCam pulls out a cigar and sniffs it. "That's my boy," he says. He goes outside and lights up. I guess even RevCam knows that Matt's medical advice is worth absolutely nothing.
In a hospital room, Lucy and Kevin stare at their new daughter. Savannah stares back, looking extremely worried. Kevin says he has to tell Lucy something. "Is it about the house?" Lucy asks. It turns out that Kevin's realtor is married to one of the EMTs, and she found out that way. I hope the EMT was sure to spend all the free time he had in that elevator not assisting the delivery making fun of the fact that Lucy's husband bought a house without her. Kevin says he tried to take it back, but he couldn't. Lucy says she knows which house it is, and she thinks it's beautiful and wants to keep it. Well, that's easy. Kevin doesn't think Annie is "ready" for them to move. Nor, I suspect, is this show's set construction department. Lucy says they can take their time leaving the CamPound, then. Oh, good. Kevin kisses his daughter and his wife on the forehead. "I love you, Savannah," says Lucy. Savannah sticks her tongue out at Lucy. I think Savannah is my new favorite character. So ends the first baby-delivery TV episode I've ever seen that wasn't even remotely touching.