Previously, on the Real World: Jamie is Melissa's Nature Sensei. More like Nature Senseless. In this capacity, he gets Melissa to throw a football. I'm not sure what football has to do with nature, but let's just go with it. We don't really have any choice. Melissa had long hair, and told David that he was shutting her off. David said if she didn't want to talk to him for five weeks, it was done. Imagine if neither David nor Melissa talked for five weeks. Oh blessed joy. Well, it would make the recapping difficult.
The doorbell rings at Belfort, and Matt answers. Why does their postman ring the doorbell? Does he want camera time? When Matt gets the mail, it's just regular old mail. It's not FedEx or UPS or something he would have to sign for. Or maybe B/M pays off the mailman to ring the doorbell when delivering packages important to the storylines. Anyway, Matt answers the door, and he's dressed like a golfer gone retarded. He's wearing plaid pants and a yellow sweater vest. Talk about your scary clowns. Matt immediately grabs the one envelope in the bunch that is from the producers, but I'm sure he wasn't prompted at all, even though it was totally on the bottom and any normal person would have found it last. He starts to open it and as if by magic, all of the roommates appear to help him. This is all so staged. Please. Apparently, it contains a disk with some sort of QuickTime file, which turns out to be a movie of a woman telling them they are going to South Africa. Danny's hair is inexplicably orange in this scene. Like, Danny, lighten up on the Sun-In. Get it? Lighten up? See what I did there? Everyone is really psyched about the vacation, except Melissa, who looks pissed off. Danny hugs Kelley and Julie. Matt hugs Kelley and Julie. In an interview, David says that he's never been off his block, and now he's going to South Africa. But, um, isn't he off his block right now? Because we all know he's from the South Side of Chicago, which is the baddest part of town, and if you go down there, you'd better just beware of a man named Leroy Brown. I'm sorry, I haven't been able to do that for a while and I couldn't resist. Anyway, David apparently thinks that New Orleans is a subsection of his block. In a confessional, Jamie says (again) that he is Melissa's Nature Senseless so he's going to show her the "great wide open of motha nate-cha!" Jamie, please don't talk like that ever again. In fact, please don't talk ever again. Ever.
Kelley, Julie and Melissa are sitting in someone's bedroom. I think this is the same scene from two weeks ago when Kelley and Melissa discussed Kelley's depression. Anyway, they are now discussing their upcoming vacation. Kelley applies makeup, and says that she can't believe they are going to Africa in a day or two. Melissa doesn't give a damn. Julie pretends she didn't hear her and says that she wants to see elephants and giraffes, and then throws Melissa a bone by asking if she wants to see those things. Melissa says they have Busch Gardens in Tampa, so she's "already seen all that mess." Kelley thinks this over, while applying more makeup. Dude, she has a lot of makeup.
Bizarro South Africa
In an interview, Julie explains that their car has a flat tire, and it happened while David was driving. They're planning on fixing it themselves. In an interview, David says he has changed tires before, but not on such a large vehicle. Like the tires go on differently, depending on the size of the vehicle. I mean, I wouldn't really want to change the tire on my own, but if I had some roommates to help out, I'd be all over it. May as well get something out of that driver-ed course I was forced to take to get my license besides the oddly soothing mantra, "Speed plus rain equal hydroplane." In an interview, Julie explains that David called some "thirty-year tire man" to change it for $100. David tells Julie and Matt that the guy is coming at 1:30 PM. David just happens to be "sweeping the porch" while his roommates inspect the car, like that's not obvious. When has David ever cleaned the house before? Matt tells Julie that he doesn't think it needs to be towed, and Julie thinks towing is the stupidest idea she's ever heard, because Matt said so. I must agree. I mean, if you break down on a busy highway or something, towing makes sense. But if you're in your driveway (and how far did David drive on the rims to get home?), just change it yourself, if you can get the lugnuts off. It's not rocket science. Matt asks David for the keys. Julie hears Matt, so she asks David for the keys too. David gets all defensive and says that "they" already tried it, although he never defines who "they" are. The producers? Probably. Julie says non-confrontationally that he should just let them try. This is David's opportunity to say, "Have at it" and escape with his dignity (or what's left of it after the past few episodes) intact. Instead, he angrily tosses the keys in Julie's general direction and stalks away. Julie tries to ask him questions about the guy who's coming, but all he will say is "Whatever, whatever, whatever." Matt and Julie successfully change the tire, and Matt tells Julie she's "all right for a woman." I cringe. Julie runs inside to call her mom and tell her to book the chapel and start shopping around for a dress for their upcoming nuptials. They won't need a DJ though, because Matt is going to spin some vinyl.
Kelley, Matt and Danny are eating lunch at the Flying Burrito. Kelley is telling the boys that she told David that his attitude has got to go, and that friendship goes both ways. It shouldn't be her putting up with David's moods and David treating her however he wants. I hope she really did say that to him, and isn't just talking tough. I bet she did. In an interview, Danny says that a line has been drawn between David and the rest of "the house" (argh!) and it's a line that David built. Back in the restaurant, Kelley says that if David's in a bad mood, she used to try to talk to him, but now she just ignores him. Matt just sits there and observes, as always. And that's just fine with me.
They arrive in Africa and meet poor Chris, the tour guide. In an interview, Julie says that Chris is going to show them around Africa. Wow, thanks for explaining what a tour guide does, Julie. David supervises the luggage being loaded into the van, and tells the porter that one of the bags is heavy because "that's tuna." I am still mystified as to whether "that's tuna" is David's new catchphrase, similar to "That's love," or if one of the bags actually contains cans of tuna. I don't think I want to know either way. They all get on the bus and Chris points out some townships. In an interview, Kelley says she realizes that there's a big world out there that she never knew before and it puts things in perspective. Julie asks if there are tigers in the area. Yeah, Julie, they're just wandering around the township. Get a grip. They arrive at their hotel and pick up their bags. Matt says that the place is "pretty dapper." Shut up, Matt. I liked it better when you didn't talk. Danny, Matt and Melissa take a nap, all on the same bed, with all of the lights on. Matt is wearing a sleeping mask. I give up. I have no idea what is going on anymore.
The day, Chris gets sick of the roommates, so they get a new tour guide. Well, they didn't explain why they got a new one, so I made up my own explanation. The new guide tells them about a part of South Africa called "District Six," where over sixty thousand people were forcibly removed to other parts of Capetown. He tells them about the various racial classifications under apartheid, and how many people wanted to be classified as white, because whites had more privileges. He explains about a pencil test, where people were forced to put a pencil in their hair and lean forward. If it fell out, they're white. If it stayed, they're black. All of this is about a thousand times more interesting than the rest of the episode. In an interview, Julie explains that District Six was bulldozed and people were forced to move into townships, which are like "really bad ghettoes" (as opposed to the awesome ghettoes) if you were going to compare it to something in America. You know, I don't think we can compare it to anything in America, so why even try. The guide points out what was once the main road in District Six, and shows where it was scraped by bulldozers. They go into a church or a museum. It's not really clear which. In an interview, David compares the area to Harlem in terms of culture, and now it's gone. The guide explains the whole racial ID card/pass system they had under apartheid. This part I remember from high school history class. In an interview, Melissa says she told David that they need to put their bad feelings aside and have this experience together. While I can appreciate that it would be nice for them to have someone to talk to who understands the impact seeing these things has, if David doesn't want to, why force him? And why am I defending David? This season has me all mixed up. The guide points out a bench where only whites were allowed to sit. Melissa voice-overs that once they got back on the bus, she saw David crying. We see David crying. Melissa tells Jamie that the "whole day was trauma city." In an interview, Jamie says that he understands how horrible apartheid was, but it doesn't hit him to the core, or affect everything that he represents the way it does for Melissa. Wait, Jamie being racially sensitive? We are in Bizarro Real World. Melissa babbles to Jamie about how she can't believe that adults assembled this system in their lifetime.