We open on RevCam and Annie attempting to wash dishes in their pitch-black kitchen. There is a knock at the back door, and once Annie is able to use her built-in sonar to locate the door, it is opened to reveal…David Cassidy and Susan Dey! What a strange, yet still welcome, cameo! Oh, but it's not them at all -- it's Matt and PC, although Matt, with his geeky smile and long, slicked-back (yet still, oddly, poofy) hair is looking more like Keith Partridge than ever. "Oh. You're here," says Annie, not sounding quite as happy to see her son and daughter-in-law as you would expect. RevCam hugs them both and invites them in as Annie glares. "Isn't this a great surprise, Annie?" RevCam asks, noting that Matt and PC are here a week earlier than they were supposed to be. PC says they scored some free passes from Mary and were able to get seats on a flight, even on short notice the week before THE BUSIEST TRAVEL HOLIDAY OF THE ENTIRE YEAR. RevCam asks Annie if she's happy to see the couple, and Annie responds with a glower. She asks what happened to Matt and PC's plans to be home for Thanksgiving, and Matt explains that there are some jobs in this world that require one to work on holidays, and faux-doctor is one of them. So they thought they'd come the week before instead. RevCam thinks this is awesome, and says that he and Annie understand how busy Matt and PC's med student schedules are. He asks Annie for confirmation of this, but all she does is pout and rock from side to side as she says in a scary, even tone: "I haven't had the entire family together for Thanksgiving or any holiday for years. I wanted this Thanksgiving to be different. This Thanksgiving I wanted everyone, together, under one roof. I'm going to go check on the twins now." And then she leaves. RevCam apologizes for Annie, saying that she's really into Thanksgiving and having the whole family around this year. Matt and PC break the news that not only won't they be there, but Mary will be off having a better career, and Simon has to work at the campus radio station and "can't get away." RevCam thinks about this and how his wife will react to the news. He asks Matt and PC if they could tell Annie about this instead of him, to which they respond with an immediate and enthusiastic "no," leading me to believe that Matt is smarter than I thought.
For our Opening Credits Timewaster, we get a nice close-up of Annie's paw as she vigorously unseeds a squash, even though it's still a week before Thanksgiving. Prepare much, Annie? She then checks on what appears to be a block of ice cooking on the stove as RevCam enters. "What's cooking?" he asks. "WAX," Annie screams. Wow, guess things have gotten kinky in the CamBoudoir. Oh, apparently the wax is for some homemade Thanksgiving decorations, because while some people just buy a picture of a cornucopia and stick it on their front door, Annie is rocking the "gourd candles," leaf-stenciled tablecloth, and a seasonal leaf and berry garnish for the "buffet" table I wasn't aware the Camdens even had. How can they have "seasonal" leaves and berries in Glenoak when they don't even have seasons? Annie reports that she's having trouble locating the turkey-shaped Jell-O molds, and let's just hope she does, because a party's not a party until the well-meaning but extremely ooky and unappetizing Jell-O salad shows up! Annie laments that she still hasn't finalized the menu, even though Thanksgiving is like the only day of the year where the menu is pretty much set. It's turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and cranberries, Annie, plus or minus whatever family traditions you may have. Learn it, live it, love it.
When Annie's spiel is complete, all RevCam can do is stare at her. With a sharp intake of breath, he summons up all his courage in the face of imminent danger and asks Annie if she might be taking Thanksgiving a little bit too far this year. "I don't recall our ever making this big of a deal out of Thanksgiving before," says RevCam, gently suggesting that perhaps they could just go out to eat for the holiday and save everyone some grief. Well, everyone except for the Chinese restaurant that has to deal with their stupid asses. Or not, since Annie puts on her Disgusted Clownface (oh, how long have I missed thee!) and says they have never gone out for Thanksgiving and they aren't going to start now. "I like Thanksgiving," she says, as the grimace she's sporting can attest. She's especially excited because this will be baby Charlie's first Thanksgiving (well, besides the three he enjoyed while in the womb), and I'm sure the six-month-old child will really enjoy those gourd candles. "It's a BIG ONE!" Annie shrieks, most likely talking about the holiday, since I don't see anything else in the kitchen that would warrant such a description, like, say, RevCam's backbone.
RevCam takes a different tack and asks Annie if she's planning on apologizing to Matt and PC. "Why?" she asks. RevCam points out that Annie was a totally rude bitch to them when they arrived last night. Annie says she wasn't rude, she was "just surprised. Caught off guard, if you will." Fine, Annie, I will. I will also look forward to punching people I don't like in the face and then claiming that I was "surprised" and thus, blameless. Annie continues that Matt and PC "need to be here week when everyone else is here," because she wasn't paying attention to anything anyone said last night. RevCam says that they don't "need" anyone to be here, they just want them to be there. "I need you to get the turkey today," Annie non-sequiturs, "okay? A nice, big one. Make sure it's free-range and fresh, not frozen." It's great that Annie's into free-range stuff and all, but if you buy a bird a FULL WEEK before you plan on serving it, I'm not sure how "fresh" it's really going to be come mealtime. Maybe Annie meant "fresh" like The WB uses "fresh" to describe new episodes of 7th Heaven. In which case, the Camdens can expect a Thanksgiving dinner that's actually just a regurgitation of eight years of past Thanksgiving dinners, which really weren't all that tasty to begin with. Annie's turkey talk makes RevCam lose it, and he breaks it down to Annie that they can't get such a huge turkey because there won't be many people for it to feed. Upon seeing the crazed look on his wife's face, however, RevCam tries to cover by saying that at the very worst, they'll have leftovers. With a demonic grin, Annie tells RevCam not to worry about Matt and PC not coming because she "took care of it." She then shoves RevCam upstairs and returns to her vigorous gourd-scooping. Hmm…I hear that abuse of cucurbitaceous plants is one of the first signs of insanity.
And just how did Annie take care of things with Matt and PC? Well, as an angry Matt explains to RevCam, she called the Director of Medical Education and asked if Matt and PC could have Thanksgiving weekend off. RevCam's reaction is what appears to be an impersonation of the Grinch, like, nice try livening up the mood, Rev, but you've got the wrong holiday. Matt continues that when the Director told Annie that he wasn't in charge of the students' schedules, Annie called the Dean. At his home. Instead of worrying about his increasingly unhinged wife, RevCam hopefully asks if this means that Matt and PC will be home for Thanksgiving. Matt says they certainly won't be and that Annie "needs to get a grip." At this point, I think it's safe to say that the only person who needs to get a grip is RevCam, on the phone cradle, during an urgent call to the Glenoak Sanitorium.
Matt storms away, which means that, according to the 7th Heaven Property of Spatial Relations, a vacuum has been created that must be filled by another, even more annoying, character. Enter Ruthie, who asks RevCam what's up. After he tells her that her mother is straddling the line between "quirkily eccentric" and "batshit crazy," Ruthie announces that she's been invited to spend Thanksgiving with Mary and Carlos in sunny Puerto Rico, where she can get in touch with her roots and hopefully learn why that green sweater vest she's wearing isn't a good fashion choice. Ruthie says she already has a ticket, thanks to Mary's free passes, and there's a room in Carlos's parents' house just for her. Ruthie really wants to go, even though she suspects that Mary and Carlos only invited her because they need a baby-sitter, which is maybe the worst idea Mary's ever had, since we all know that Ruthie eats babies for their precious life-giving blood. RevCam says no. Ruthie says that if he's only saying no because he doesn't want her to fly to Puerto Rico alone, Carlos will be flying to Glenoak to pick her up and then flying to Puerto Rico with her. So that's how many roundtrip jetBlue passes Mary has given away, now? Matt, PC, Mary, Carlos (twice), and Ruthie, all during the biggest travel holiday of the year? I was a damn fool to go to college when I could have worked as a flight attendant and been privy to one of the greatest benefits packages ever offered! RevCam again says that Ruthie can't go, to which she says that she already promised that she would go. Well, maybe time, Ruthie, you'll actually ask your parents for permission before you make any commitments. Like Lucy, who probably asks her parents if it's okay every time she has sex with Kevin. RevCam says the whole thing isn't even an issue because Carlos, Mary, and the baby will be spending Thanksgiving in Glenoak.
Ruthie leaves, and Mac and Martin enter from Martin's room, where they have apparently been for quite some time. They claim to be on their way to the "batting cages," as if they haven't just spent enough time hitting balls with lengths of wood. Feeling desperate, RevCam invites Mac to Thanksgiving at the CamPound, since he knows how upset mothers are when their children don't make it to Thanksgiving holidays, and he apparently wants Mac's mom to suffer like Annie currently is. What a compassionate man of God RevCam is! Mac says he can't go because his dad is visiting his sister, although Mac won't be going with him, as his aunt hates him because he did something bad involving a cat, her Hummel collection, and fire. And Mac's mother will be spending the day with her boyfriend, who Mac doesn't like, so he's going to go camping this year. RevCam tells him to come the CamPound instead, but Mac says he'd rather sleep on rocks, wipe his ass with leaves, and subsist on Pop-Tarts than hang with the Camdens, which I completely understand. It turns out that Martin feels the same way, as he'll be accompanying Mac. RevCam feigns ignorance of Martin's plans, even though Martin insists that he told him about this weeks ago. RevCam begs Martin to cancel his plans with Mac and spend Thanksgiving with the Camdens, but Martin says that celebrating a family holiday with his mother dead and his father in Iraq sucks, and a camping trip with his friend will be a lot more fun for him.
RevCam stops by the twins' room and invites them out for lunch, and a perceptive Vid asks him what's wrong. RevCam says nothing will be wrong once he gets his children together for Thanksgiving. Oh, but it turns out that SamVid have Thanksgiving plans as well -- they've been invited to dinner at Lucy's! RevCam makes a hasty retreat.
In the backyard, RevCam finds Kevin wandering around, grousing about how Lucy has been torturing him all day, and has now sent him on a mission to find acorns that will be used as Thanksgiving napkin holders. Looks like we're gearing up for The Battle of the Lamest Thanksgiving Decorations! Kevin says that Lucy is making menus for the day and generally copying her mother, and he just wants to spend the day eating and watching football, "the way God intended." Kevin continues that he'll do whatever Lucy wants since she's pregnant, even though he doesn't know what an acorn looks like, which is just bizarre since I'm pretty sure they have them in Buffalo, where Kevin grew up, don't they? Kevin is still talking, but RevCam has had enough, so he rudely walks away when Kevin is in mid-sentence.
RevCam finds Lucy in the Treehouse of Lurv, where she is bent over a number of books, no doubt studying hard for her upcoming finals. Oh, no, wait, she's just planning her Thanksgiving menu, which will feature chestnut stuffing, succotash, and something called "apple pandowdy." I don't know what that is, so I certainly don't know how to spell it, and I've already used up my recap research time allotment trying to figure out if they even celebrate Thanksgiving in Puerto Rico so I guess I'll never know. ["In case anyone cares." -- Sars] RevCam is as clueless about this last dish as I am, so Lucy explains that it was popular in the nineteenth century and that "Martha has dowdy-ed up by cutting the dough into pieces instead of leaving it whole." Geez, Lucy, give her a break. She's in JAIL. In WEST VIRGINIA. Things have to be a little dowdy there. And at least she has an excuse for it, while you have none for the satin-y vest you've chosen to wear. Lucy explains that she is doing Thanksgiving the Martha Way by using all her recipes and craft ideas. Lucy says she can't wait to put her "stamp" on it and "claim it as [her] own," even though she just said she was ripping off Martha Stewart, so it really has Martha's stamp on it, even if you do leave the pandowdy dough whole.
Oh, and Lucy's gone off the fucking deep end, as she says, "I also want Mom to be proud of me, so everything's got to be perfect, and you know, she shouldn't be in jail, especially during the holiday season. That's like cruel and unusual punishment." RevCam says that Annie isn't in jail, because people who are criminally insane have to go to mental institutions. Lucy says she was talking about Martha Stewart. I don't think being in jail during the holidays is cruel and unusual punishment. I do think having to recap an episode of this show in which at least two of the female leads have gone insane when I could be watching an advance screening of The Life Aquatic is cruel and unusual punishment. Anyway, Lucy is still going on about Martha Stewart and RevCam is just trying to get her to stop talking so he can leave. Lucy's talking about how a "scummy drug dealer" Kevin arrested didn't go to jail, but Martha did, and that's not justice, and obviously Lucy didn't take any Constitutional Law classes at Crawford Clown College. I was wondering where all of this pro-Martha sentiment was coming from (albeit like a year too late), and then someone in the forums pointed out that K-Mart has a deal with Martha Stewart and 7th Heaven. It's either that, or Brenda Hampton is about to get arrested for insider trading and she's hoping to influence anyone who may potentially be on her jury. This is not a bad plan either, as I have to imagine that there's a lot of crossover between the people who aren't smart enough to get out of jury duty and the people who think this show is enjoyable. RevCam asks Lucy if she talked to Annie about her plans, to which Lucy says she didn't, but she's sure Annie won't mind getting the day off. Besides, now that Lucy is a wife and almost-mother, it's time for Annie to retire. "Pass the spoon onto me," Lucy says, and it appears that Annie has at the very least passed her Hagface of Covert Hostility onto Lucy, if her grimace-posing-as-a-smile is anything to go by.
RevCam paces around the backyard, a pained look on his face. Kevin enters with a sack of walnuts and asks if he can pass them off as "really big acorns." He probably can, if he shows them to Lucy when she's preoccupied with mailing a care package of root vegetables to a correctional facility in West Virginia. "We have a problem," says RevCam. "Fine, I'll go find some fucking acorns," says Kevin, except he said "stinking" instead of "fucking," but I like "fucking" better here. RevCam says the problem isn't "those nuts," it's "our nuts." I guess this is a Very Special Episode about testicular cancer. Or not, since RevCam was, of course, talking about Crazy Annie and Loopy Lucy. He explains that their wives are going to have Dueling Thanksgivings this year unless Kevin can convince Lucy not to cook. Kevin tells RevCam to ask Annie not to cook, but RevCam says he'd "rather eat glass! Besides, Annie's way more manic than Lucy!" Although maybe not, since Kevin says that Lucy "thinks it's her wifely duty to do this. She bought an apron and everything." Interestingly enough, the same thing happened on their honeymoon. Suddenly, RevCam has a brilliant idea: Kevin will tell Annie the bad news about certain CamKids not being there, and RevCam will tell Lucy the bad news about her not being allowed to cook Thanksgiving dinner. The benefit of this plan, says RevCam, is that Lucy and Annie will go easier on the messengers because they're not their husbands. RevCam says he'll find out if he can get any more CamKids to come for the holiday, and they will meet in the backyard to discuss things later. Meanwhile, he wants Kevin to keep Lucy in her apartment so she doesn't talk to Annie. I don't think it'll too hard to keep Lucy in the Treehouse, seeing I don't think she's ventured into the outside world, except to register to vote and yell at her husband, since this season started.
RevCam finds PC in the kitchen, where she's been put to work on the gourd candles, mainly because if she sits behind a ridiculously tall table, you can't see her pregnant stomach. "Look at me. I'm making candles out of squash," PC rasps, not too excited. She lies that she is having a good time and she's sorry they can't be there week. RevCam wonders if perhaps PC's horrible parents would like to attend a Camden Thanksgiving, and seeing how well things went over the last time Annie cooked for the Glasses, you can't really blame them for making damn sure they won't be anywhere near the Camdens during Thanksgiving. They'll be in New York, having Thanksgiving with PC and Matt, even though I thought they were supposed to be working that whole day.
Annie's in the CamBoudoir with Matt. "I got so carried away making the candles this morning I forgot to make the bed!" she shrieks, like, uh oh, the whole world's going to shit because Annie's sheets were rumpled for half a day. Annie tells Matt about how she spoke to his "very understanding and very nice" Dean. "Mom," Matt begins carefully, "you shouldn't have done that." It turns out that the Dean gave Matt and PC Thursday off, but Matt says he only did that because he thought there was a family emergency, and that Matt already gave him that excuse to get out of working this weekend. Well, seeing as his mother is completely INSANE, I'd say that both of those times are bona fide family emergencies. Matt continues that medical school is ridiculously competitive, and any mistake he makes, like taking weekends off for "family emergencies," will be noticed and counted against him. "Oh Matty, Matty, Matty," says Crazy Annie, "don't let the pressure get to you!" Matt finally asks his mother when she became so insane about the holidays. Annie says that when she didn't insist that her children be around for Thanksgiving, no one came, so this time she is insisting, and she got Matt and PC the time off, so she doesn't see a problem. Matt looks at her like, "Bitch be crazy." "I NEED YOU HERE!" Annie shouts, then hugs her son, and then runs out of the room. Where does she think she's going? The bed still isn't made!
It's glue-gun time at the Treehouse of Lurv. I have to say, I have never used a glue-gun and not burned the crap out of myself, but Lucy seems to be doing well. Maybe the Valium her psychiatrist prescribed has steadied her hand. Lucy says the walnuts aren't working for her crafts, so she's going to ask Annie what to do. And she can't wait to tell Annie about how she's doing dinner this year, but Kevin stops her. He makes up excuses as to why Lucy can't see Annie now, and Lucy asks him if there's anything wrong. "You're acting strange," she says, like maybe Lucy looked in a mirror to get that judgment. Kevin asks if Lucy really wants to do Thanksgiving, since she's so busy with babychurchschool. Oh, are we still supposed to care about the "Lucy has a lot to do" subplot? Because I never did before, so I certainly don't now. Lucy stares at Kevin with her eyes half-closed and her mouth half-open, because Valium can be wonderful, as Kevin points out that their garage apartment doesn't exactly have the kitchen facilities one would need to make such a large meal. Or any kind of meal, if Lucy and Kevin's eating habits are any indication. Lucy says she can handle everything, and demands to know what Kevin is hiding.
PC and Matt are in bed. "I can't keep this up," says PC. "You have to," says Matt. And now that we've got the double entendres out of the way, PC reveals that the reason why they're in Glenoak is to see Simon, but now that he won't be there, they have no reason. Meanwhile, PC's got her hand resting on her pregnant belly, like, could they make it any more obvious that she's ridiculously pregnant? Matt says Simon should have called them. Apparently, Simon has made a "long list of bad decisions," and PC wonders if Annie's craziness is linked to something being wrong with Simon. Matt says all they can do is "circle the wagons" and let the CamRents know their children will support them when Simon "drops the bomb." So Simon has become a suicide bomber? Well, that's a storyline I didn't predict. And still more realistic than the one where Simon ran over a kid and then went to college a year early. PC says it will be hard to make a support system, "considering your mother wants nothing to do with us." Don't be silly, PC. Annie wants everything to do with Matt; you're the one she wants nothing to do with. If only you weren't so Jewy!
SamVid walk into Ruthie's room and ask if they can hide from Annie in there. Poor twins; it appears that Annie has been using them as slave labor for her Thanksgiving decorations. Vid fondly recalls the time when they didn't have to work for Thanksgiving, they just ate. Sam adds, "Smeeee rarrr fann." Ruthie decides that she's had enough of the twins and goes to see what Matt and PC are up to.
RevCam's leaving a message on Mary and Carlos's answering machine. "You can run but you can't hide," he says, and if anyone left that message on my machine, I would call the cops so fast. RevCam begs them to spend Thanksgiving at the CamPound. Because it's perfectly okay to deprive Carlos's family of their son and new grandson as long as Annie's happy.
Matt and PC walk into the kitchen, where Annie tells them that they're just in time. "PLEASE, Annie," says PC, "no more Thanksgiving crafts!" But Annie isn't trying to get them to do crafts; she has something planned for the whole family to do, because, as she cries, "Thanksgiving is all about family, RIIIIIGHT?" By now, everyone is hanging out in the CamKitchen, including Mac and Martin and excluding Kevin and Lucy. Matt tells Annie that they are her family and she can always count on them. "We love you Annie," says PC totally unconvincingly, "and we're here for you. Right now, as a matter of fact." Matt invites everyone out to pizza and a movie, but Annie says she has too much to do, even though, AGAIN, Thanksgiving isn't for another WEEK. Annie says she can spend plenty of time with them week, when they're home for Thanksgiving. Matt says that, "for the last time," they can't be there. So he'll take everyone else out, and then he and PC will go back to New York tomorrow and Annie can think of how she wasted a weekend she could have spent with them because their trip didn't fit in with her OCD plans.
Annie asks Matt to "consider" coming home for Thanksgiving, which will be really fun since everyone's going to be there. "Mom, wake up," says Matt, and apparently someone on the writing staff loves Barry Watson since he's getting the best lines today. Matt says that not everyone is going to be around for Thanksgiving and it will probably suck. RevCam steps up and tells Annie that Simon won't be there. Neither will Mary, Carlos, and Charles Miguel. Or, possibly Ruthie. Or Martin. Annie reacts with a crazy laugh, followed by a bizarre point and nod. RevCam says that they'll spend the holiday with Lucy, Kevin, and SamVid, and that's enough. At this point, Lucy bursts in, followed by Kevin, and asks why the hell Annie is making Thanksgiving dinner when Lucy wants to do it, and she figured Annie knew she wanted to do it even though Lucy and Annie had no communication about this. A silence falls over the kitchen as Annie's eyes moisten. "What's going on?" asks Lucy, perceptive about five minutes too late. Everyone begs Annie to say something, even, most pitifully, the twins, who have to watch their mother's nervous breakdown. "You are not my family," Annie says, like, THE FUCK?!?!?! Unless she was telling Ruthie the truth about her heritage in a particularly cruel manner, there is NO EXCUSE for this. Those twins are FIVE YEARS OLD and their mother just told them that they are not her family. Sam won't have to worry about the lifelong trauma this will induce, since he's deaf, but what of Vid? Poor Vid, who was just beginning to learn how to act.
Everyone's having a pizza dinner, except for Annie, because Greta had her hauled off to jail for the verbal abuse of her children. Mac the Social Retard asks why everyone seems so down. SamVid say they aren't hungry and they want to go to bed. Everyone is too upset to eat, in fact, except for Mac, who's having a great old time. Mac says he doesn't lose his appetite when he's upset -- not that I can see why he would be upset about what just happened -- because his parents are divorced. That's great, but shouldn't Mac be, like, awkward? I've been at friend's houses during huge family fights and the only thing I wanted to do was get the hell out of there as soon as possible.
Hey! It's Georgia! Oh, and Simon. Simon wants to tell their parents something, but Georgia isn't ready to. Simon says he's going to tell his parents, and he thinks they'll be happy for them, eventually. Georgia says that if Simon tells his parents, they're sure to tell her parents, and she can't have that. Simon gets pissed and says that he was ready to do it this weekend and he had his brother fly in from New York for support. And he's sure that his brother is going to tell the CamRents about this eventually. Georgia says Matt "better not say anything" because this is their news to reveal. Simon says he doesn't want to tell his parents on Thanksgiving. Georgia wants to wait until the holidays are over entirely, as in, after Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's. The phone rings, and Georgia says she wants to leave. "We'll talk tonight," she says, even though, judging by the light in the apartment (which would be none), it already is night. As Georgia leaves, Simon's machine picks up and RevCam leaves what he claims is his eleventh message, because I guess if your stalking subject lives too far away to go out for ice cream, you just leave message after message on his machine. Simon picks up the phone and asks RevCam what's up. RevCam says he needs Simon to come home for Thanksgiving. Simon says he has to work. RevCam says he has to find a substitute because it's important to Annie. Simon says no. RevCam says he needs Simon and he's counting on him. "Thanks for not putting too much pressure on me," Simon spits disgustedly. RevCam hangs up on him.
Annie's sitting in bed, looking through a photo album with her hand on her heart, like anyone does that in real life. SamVid enter the room, and Sam says, "We'll make tammbookies smurfs faceplant." Annie apologizes for getting "a bit upset earlier," like, NO, ANNIE, I don't think saying possibly the worst thing you can say to your kids is just "a bit upset." She feigns interest in her kids' well-being and asks if they ate. Vid says they couldn't eat; no one could. Annie smiles, because this makes her feel important. She asks SamVid to sit on her lap, so she can strangle them -- I mean, "look at pictures."
Ruthie's on the Lame Clear Phone with Carlos, and how nice of him to not return any of RevCam's fifteen messages even though he was obviously home. Carlos scolds Ruthie for calling him so late, and it's about time someone on the writing staff realized that New York is three hours ahead of California time. "I'm sorry," Ruthie says, not sounding very sorry at all. I'm sorry, however, because even though Simon and RevCam managed to have an entire phone conversation in one-shots, Ruthie and Carlos have gone into Cheesy Split Screen. Which is even worse than usual, since Carlos doesn't know how to stay in frame and spends most of the scene without the top of his head. Ruthie tells Carlos she can't go to Puerto Rico, because her mother is crazy.
Annie bounds downstairs with SamVid and meets Matt and PC, who volunteers to get the kids sandwiches. SamVid say they can help. "We're good at making sandwiches," says Vid, and everyone laughs because retarded children can't make sandwiches. Matt starts to apologize to Annie, who says that it is she who owes him an apology for going "holiday crazy." Uh, more like "crazy crazy." Matt says they'd be there if they could, and suggests that everyone fly to New York and spend the holiday with them. With Mary's infinite jetBlue passes! Annie says she'll spend the holiday at the CamPound with whoever can attend, and hope that Matt's schedule will allow him to come year, even though HE'LL STILL BE IN MEDICAL SCHOOL, and after that he'll be a resident, so really there's no way Matt is spending another holiday with his family for the ten years.
Kevin finds Lucy sadly packing her Thanksgiving decorations, saying that this is the least she can do to make her mother feel better. "I'm sorry. I know you were looking forward to this. What with the acorns. And all," Kevbot says, more haltingly than usual. He tells Lucy not to be sad; someday they'll have their own house and their own kids to not attend holidays until their mother abuses and guilts them into it. Kevin adds that not spending the holidays with family doesn't make someone a bad son or daughter; for example, he won't be seeing anyone in his family this year, although he would like to year, which should make season's Thanksgiving episode a sheer freaking joy to recap.
RevCam sits down to Annie. He asks her why, if she was so obsessed with having her family together for the holidays, she didn't invite Ginger over. Or, for that matter, Lilly, although no one mentions her. Actually, where are Aunt Julie and Uncle Hank going for the holidays? Not that I actually want to see either of them, but it's a little weird they don't get a mention in this episode. Annie slowly says that inviting Ginger would remind her that her father is dead. She starts to cry and says she can't get over her father's death. "The death of a parent isn't something you get over, it's just something you learn to live with," says RevCam -- both of whose parents, I'd like to add, are alive. ["And what I wouldn't give for a dose of THE COLONEL right now." -- Sars] Annie says that she thought if the whole family was there, she wouldn't notice that her dad wasn't. RevCam hugs her and says everything will be okay, while Martin spies on them from behind a wall.
Martin walks into the CamBoudoir, where Annie is sewing something. He asks if she has a minute and she invites him in. Annie tells Martin that it's okay if he goes camping during Thanksgiving; she'd rather have him with them, but she claims to understand. "I don't know if you do understand," Martin says. He takes a picture out of his wallet of a young Martin hugging a woman. It's his mother, and if they used Tyler Hoechlin's actual mother as Martin's dead mother, that is all kinds of wrong. Martin says the picture was taken before his mother was diagnosed with cancer, and that Thanksgiving was the last one they all had together. Martin says the Camdens must be rubbing off on him, because he was totally spying on Annie and RevCam before and he wants her to know that he knows what it's like to lose a parent. "Sometimes it's downright painful," he says, and all he has left of his mother are "a few photos." Was she alive at the turn of the century or something? A "few" photos? Maybe Martin's mom is like my mother, who doesn't like to be in photographs, leaving us with plenty of pictures of the back of her leg as she runs out of frame. Martin says that the holidays make him miss his mother, and then his father and aunt. He tells Annie that he's always available to talk to her if she wants. She gives him a hug, and I totally started to cry even though Tyler Hoechlin didn't do this scene very well at all, because this year will be the first one I don't spend with my family and Brenda Hampton knew that when she wrote this episode, that BITCH.
RevCam meets Martin in the hallway and they exchange nods. I guess RevCam put Martin up to this? But then what was the point of showing Martin spying on them?
It's the day, and Matt and PC are packing to leave. The wardrobe department is doing PC no favors, as they've put her in a tight sweater that makes her look fat. She was better off hiding behind tables and counters. Annie comes in and asks if they have time to go to church, and Matt says they have all day, even though PC is Jewish and maybe wouldn't feel comfortable in a church. But she says that would be great, to which Annie tells her to call her "Mom" and not "Annie." They exchange hugs and some awkward laughter, and Annie leaves the room. "Who was that?" PC asks, and she might want to brush up on her study of bipolar disorder before the mental health final. PC tells Matt that Annie will be fine when Simon tells her his Mystery News.
Ruthie finds Annie, and Annie says that she told Carlos that it was okay for Ruthie to go to Puerto Rico, and he's on his way to pick her up. She leaves, and Martin, RevCam, and the twins come out, wearing their Sunday suits. They're followed by Matt and PC, also dressed for church, and everyone decides that they don't know why Annie started acting so reasonable, but they're going to appreciate it while it lasts.
Everyone goes outside to the car, which leaves Lucy and Annie in the kitchen. Annie picks up a piece of cloth and gives Lucy her "turkey apron," saying that Lucy can cook Thanksgiving dinner. Oh, and she has to do it tonight, since Annie decided to celebrate early. Lucy asks for help, but to cook a twenty-pound bird in the space of a few hours, she's going to need more than just Annie; she'll need a miracle. Or a George Foreman Contact Roaster.
Everyone is lined up, double-file, in the backyard when Lucy and Annie come outside. RevCam says he'd like to get going so he can give his sermon, but Annie has an announcement. She wants to "savor the moment" of having her family around, and must be especially happy that it doesn't include the two black sheep, TP Mary and Sex-Havin' Simon. "You are all my family and I love all of you, so much," she says, like, too little, too late. The damage has been done.
That night, Thanksgiving dinner is served to everyone, including Carlos, Mac, and Charles Miguel. So Carlos took his baby across the country, only to take him all the way to Puerto Rico? Are you kidding? Have the writers ever been on a plane with a baby? It's HORRIBLE. No one would do it more than necessary.
Hey, look! This episode still has a few minutes left and no one wrote anything, so it's time for a photo montage. PC lights her gourd candles. SamVid gnaw on something that resembles human flesh. Matt watches RevCam attempt to sharpen a knife, and then RevCam points at Matt, who gets to carve the turkey. And thank fucking god this wasn't continued until week with a storyline about how RevCam wants to carve the turkey, but this year Matt thinks he should do it, but then neither of them tell each other that and hilarity, followed by a poignant moment or two, ensues. The montage continues, with Lucy drinking gravy right out of the boat, which is nasty, and Kevin staring at his stupid acorn napkin holders. There's Mac dropping a plate on the floor (and why was anyone taking a picture of Mac getting a plate anyway?), and then he and Martin make "oops!" faces as they clean it up. Carlos and Ruthie (a.k.a. Nueva Mary) tend to Charles Miguel. Then Happy tries to eat him. And then I think Ruthie DID eat him, since the picture is just of her, teeth bared, looking like she's just gained that burst of life-giving energy and strength baby flesh always give her. Or not, since Charles is in the picture, but he would have been safer with Ruthie, since he's now in the desperate clutches of one Annie Camden. The last picture is actually a nice one of RevCam and Annie holding Charles Miguel. Would I have rather seen a picture of Mac mid-dropping the baby and adding to his list of Thanksgiving accidents? Well, yes. But this is good enough. And to my mom and dad: I'm glad you're both alive, and not crazy, and I'm sorry I can't be home this year.