Lucy and Kevin enter the kitchen, and the CamRents automatically (and understandably) assume they're there to steal some dinner. RevCam sounds annoyed that their theft of leftovers will leave him without a lunch tomorrow, and I applaud the sudden appearance of his backbone, however brief I'm sure it will be. It turns out they're not there for dinner at all; Lucy needs to tattle on Simon for asking Kevin for a five-hundred-dollar loan. To his credit, Kevin isn't very pleased that his wife is making him tell on his brother-in-law. Not to his credit, Kevin is also pissed that Lucy doesn't consider Simon to be his brother as well as hers. This might -- just might -- have something to do with the fact that Simon is Lucy's brother and not Kevin's, but that's just my wild speculation. Lucy responds that she doesn't appreciate the fact that Kevin thinks he can just loan their money out without her approval. She has a point, but then again, Kevin's the one who brings all the money into their marriage, and it's not like Lucy has contributed anything in kind. No, Lucy, whining does not count as a contribution.
For once, RevCam isn't interested in his daughter's marital problems; he just wants to know what Simon needs the loan for. Kevin says Simon didn't say, and RevCam says it's "unlike" Kevin to loan out so much money without knowing what it's for. Seriously. Kevin is so damn cheap he won't even buy his wife a computer for her schoolwork, and now he's just going to give Simon five hundred dollars for mysterious purposes? Kevin says he'll find out when he drives up to Simon's school to give him the money, and asks what's wrong with that. "So many things," Annie says, obviously referring to the high gas prices Kevin will have to pay to make the trip, since I don't see what else could be wrong. RevCam asks to go with him, even though he just said he had to work tomorrow and I thought Simon's college was an all-day trip. And how nice of Kevin to just drop everything to go up there and hand some money to Simon. You'd think Simon, the one who needs the money, would be the one making that effort, but apparently not. Or maybe Kevin just wants the chance to get away from his wife, who is currently talking about how much better her dad is at solving problems than him. Kevin says he just wants a chance to solve the family problems. Well, as long as there's a patriarchal figure doing the problem-solving, I don't see any reason to complain about which one it is. RevCam seems to agree with me, as he tells Kevin to go ahead. "What?!?" say Annie and Lucy in disbelief. RevCam reminds Kevin that this could be a "parental matter" that will be over Kevin's head, and asks him to call if he can't handle things. SherLucy Holmes calls this a trap. RevCam says it is. Kevin doesn't care. Really, he shouldn't care about any of this. In the Land of Normal, people are usually happy to stay well away from their in-laws' problems.
There are no faker smiles than the ones displayed by the SevHev cast in the opening credits.
For our Opening Credits Timewaster, Kevin struts across Simon's campus, attracting the attention of many female students. "Hello," they say, posing seductively with their asses and chests prominently thrust outwards. Their behavior doesn't surprise me, though, considering that Simon is a Sex God on this campus. Obviously, they don't get much in the way of HOTT men.
Kevin finds Simon talking to a group of friends, and -- oh dear. Simon went and got himself a Season Four RevCam: When Receding Hairlines and Caesar Cuts Combine haircut. Not flattering. Simon thanks Kevin for coming to give him the money, especially since his only other option was dealing with his dad and all his nosy questions. Instead, he'll deal with nosy questions from Kevin, presented in the most time-filling and roundabout way possible. Eventually, Simon reveals that he got kicked out of his dorm for letting a homeless female student stay with him, and he needs the money for the security deposit on an apartment. Also, the girl originally hails from Glenoak, as, it would seem, does most of the student body at Low Standards University. Kevin tells Simon he doesn't want to give him money if "Mom and Dad" wouldn't approve of what it's for. Isn't Kevin's dad dead, and his mom, Bo Derek? I think she'd be cool with it, despite her penchant for giving her children bizarre names like "Patty Mary." Oh -- Kevin's talking about the CamRents, and he calls them "Mom" and "Dad" because he's "weird." And he doesn't think the CamRents will approve of Simon's desire to share an apartment with a female, even though Simon insists that she is just a friend. I guess Kevin didn't see the episode where Matt was allowed to move into an apartment with THREE women and the CamRents didn't mind that. Obviously the writers didn't see that episode either, so why would he? Kevin thinks he should ask the CamRents if this is okay. Simon begs Kevin to leave the rest of his horrible family out of it. Kevin considers this, presented to us in a weird low-angle shot through a fish-eye lens. Did Hype Williams direct this episode?
RevCam tells the phone to "come to Papa." Whatever tickles your pickle, dude. Annie calls, wondering if they should call the school and find out what's going on with Simon. Or maybe they could call Simon's roommate, whose name is, in fact, Monty. Not "Moddy," and while I can understand why Stephen Collins might want to hit the bottle before his scenes, it would cause less confusion if he didn't slur his lines.
Simon and Kevin walk into Simon's room, where Monty is pissed to report that RevCam has now taken to calling him instead of Simon. Simon asks when Monty and RevCam got so close, and Monty says they talk all the time, since Simon is never around when RevCam calls. And also, Monty got in trouble along with Simon for harboring the homeless girl, Christina, in their room, even though he had nothing to do with it. Finally, he spits a "who are you?" in Kevin's direction. Simon says Kevin is his brother, and he's married to Simon's sister. Monty is disgusted, believing that Simon's two siblings married each other, but Simon clears it up by explaining that Kevin is his brother-in-law, but he has "a thing" about wanting to be called just a "brother." Although it's not much of a stretch, considering the fact that Mary once asked her brother to give her her first kiss. God, this show is fucked up. Monty leaves to tell his friends what a weirdo he has for a roommate, and Kevin asks to speak to whoever was responsible for kicking Simon out.
RevCam talks to his phone. It's pathetic how lonely this man is. Can't he hang out with Capt. Michaels or Richard Lewis? Off-screen, preferably, especially if it's the latter. When the phone rings, RevCam jumps on it and answers, "Kevin?" But it's Lucy, and RevCam's disappointment at that fact is, admittedly, very funny. Anyway, Lucy needs to fill some more time in this episode, so she's calling to tell her dad what she told him her last scene, which is that he's sending Kevin on a mission she has no faith he can accomplish. Honestly, it seems like a pretty simple task to me: pull out checkbook, write check for five hundred dollars, give to Simon. Maybe the Kevbot's hand circuits aren't functioning today or something. RevCam says he's trying to teach Kevin "not to help unless you really can help." Again, I really don't see how Kevin, presuming he has five hundred dollars to loan, can't help here.
Kevin meets Simon's stoner RA and asks him if he's ever broken a variety of dorm rules. When he asks StoneRA if he's ever brought pot into the dorm, StoneRA laughs, then says no. Hee. Simon asks Kevin what's he doing here, and Kevin says he's just trying to find a way that StoneRA broke the rules so that he could be more understanding of the fact that Simon broke them. StoneRA tells Kevin that Simon broke the rules, and if you break the rules, you get kicked out, and that's all there is to it. So Kevin asks to speak to StoneRA's supervisor, the Dean of Students. StoneRA tells Kevin to make an appointment, then agrees to fetch him. That's the last we'll see of StoneRA, which is a shame, since he'd be kind of hot if he kept his mouth closed and he's far and away the best guest star this show has had all season.
RevCam and his phone continue their thrilling staring contest. I don't even know how RevCam can see his phone, since his office is so dark, even though it's supposed to be the middle of the day.
The Dean of Students meets Kevin and quickly ascertains that Kevin has no authority as a police officer on this campus. Kevin says that Simon's getting kicked out seems "suspicious," which, honestly, it doesn't. My college had a rule about not letting unauthorized people live in your dorm room, too. I don't think it was ever enforced, but it was still a rule. Dean of Students tells Kevin that he got his answer from StoneRA: they're not letting Simon back in the dorm. Kevin asks if he can talk to anyone else, and Dean of Students suggests the Dean of the School, adding that Kevin might want to go to her instead of making her come to him. Because she's that important.
RevCam. Phone. Waste of five minutes.
Kevin and the Dean of the School talk outside, since if this show doesn't have enough money for proper lighting, it's not going to be able to build a new set for her office, is it? Dean of the School breaks it down for Kevin: no one is going to change the rules for Simon, and if Kevin raises his soon-to-be daughter to think that nothing is ever her fault and she never has to face the consequences of her actions, then his daughter is going to be pretty messed up. Like she wasn't going to be that way anyway, having Lucy as her mother.
Kevin finds Simon and says they're going to need RevCam. RevCam jumps on the ringing phone and futilely attempts to hide his superior smirk when Kevin says he needs his help. Like someone who just spent half the day staring at his phone has any right to be smug.
RevCam is now on campus. I wonder if all the ladies stared at him when he walked through. He reports that he talked to the dean, and could not get Simon back on campus. But he was also able to get in touch with a guy who rents rooms out to graduate students, and he can get Simon and Christina "low-income" single apartments there. Hmm. Every guy I knew who rented places out to college kids was best described as a "slumlord" and the apartments were best described as "shitholes," but good job, RevCam. I'm sure the roach-infested, building-ordinance-violating, closet-sized room you got for Simon is better than the apartment he picked out. RevCam says he thinks these apartments are perfect because Simon and Christina won't be living together. RevCam adds that the place is for "serious" students, so no partying. He says it again, just so we know what a dork RevCam was during his college days.
Suddenly, Christina herself comes walking in the room and is introduced to RevCam, to whom she says she's "embarrassed about what happened." "Embarrassed"? I'd be more "ashamed" that I got some guy kicked out of his student housing, but whatever. Simon tells Christina about the sweet apartments that RevCam got them, and RevCam asks to speak to Christina's parents, even though, as a college sophomore, she's almost definitely a legal adult so there's no reason why her parents should be involved with this, and especially no reason why RevCam should talk to them. But it's a moot point, as Christina reports that she "came out of Social Services," and now that she's eighteen, she's not with them anymore, either. But despite being in foster homes for the last ten years of her life and having to move around a lot and switch schools all the time, she graduated high school and got a partial scholarship to Low Standards U, although that wasn't enough to pay for a dorm. I'm sorry, but no. If you're a ward of the state with no money, I have to think that getting all the financial aid and student loans you need to go to school isn't very hard. I actually knew a foster child who got a full ride to his college of choice, no loans needed. Plus, he got to go on Oprah. Anyway, Christina doesn't have a job right now and no way to pay for a security deposit, so RevCam volunteers to give her part of the money Kevin loaned Simon and whatever he can get from the church's petty cash fund. Hopefully, the slumlord will accept payment in individual bottled waters and pints of expensive ice cream, since I'm pretty sure that's where the church's petty cash is right now.
Christina tells RevCam that she's grateful for his help, but she's really not, since she then asks him why he's helping her now, after she lived in Glenoak "for a long, long time" and he never helped her then. Um, didn't she JUST SAY that she moved around a lot? RevCam says he's sorry, but he didn't know Christina then. Hey, maybe if she had GONE TO CHURCH and met RevCam at some point during her "long, long" stay in Glenoak, things would have been different. It's not like I expect the Catholic Church up the street from me to just automatically know of my existence and have five nuns show up on my door bearing gifts. Christina says that she's got a younger sister who could use more help than she could. Fine. I hope RevCam takes her security deposit money away and hands it off to the sister, then. I hate Christina. RevCam says he'll "get right on" Christina's sister. Simon thanks his dad and gives him a manly hug. But RevCam won't leave without giving Simon a lecture about how living off-campus is a big responsibility and a privilege, and privileges can be taken away, even though as soon as Simon pays Kevin back for the loan, there's really nothing RevCam can do. Although this is the guy who confiscated his adult daughter's sports car, so maybe I'm wrong.
In a completely different location, a woman greets RevCam, saying she expected his visit "weeks ago," when Harry was supposed to marry her. Oh, is this supposed to be Christina's younger sister? Because they both look the same age, and that age is twenty-five. But please continue, Meredith, because you're making fun of the Camdens for saving a bird that somehow made Harry think about Jesus, break off their marriage plans, and get his own foster home. Boy, am I glad I didn't see that episode. Meredith adds that she doesn't want RevCam to get her a foster home unless he can guarantee her safety, since she got her wrist broken at the last foster home she was in by another foster child. Meredith must get this "beggars can, in fact, be choosers" attitude from her sister. RevCam apologizes for Meredith's hardships halfheartedly, and she apologizes for ever being born, which is a great way to kill a conversation. Oh, and she also hates her name, like, she should really be thanking her lucky stars that her name isn't "Greta," who we'll meet later in the episode, not to mention the parade of tertiary characters we've seen on this show with names like "Venus," "Morris," or "Monty." Those names suck loads more than "Meredith." Speaking of things that suck loads, Meredith has an idea: she can live in the CamPound! And she just happens to know that there are plenty of open rooms there after Matt, Mary, and Simon moved out, and she predicts pregnant Lucy will be moving out of the Treehouse soon, too. Well, Meredith seems to have passed the stalking proficiency requirement of living in the CamPound. Plus: "I cook, I clean, I don't eat a lot," she says. She's the new Asslee! ["Can she sing live?" -- Sars]
In the pitch-dark CamKitchen, RevCam tells Annie that he told Meredith he'd think about letting her move in. Martin walks in, having overheard the conversation, and reports that Meredith doesn't have any friends at school, which shouldn't surprise anyone, since if you're someone who actually wants to live in the CamPound, you probably don't have a personality that's conducive to people liking you. Also, says Martin, kids don't want to be friends with Social Services kids, who are usually "tough." "Except for Harry," Martin adds, "he didn't seem that tough." Hee. And Aaron Carter? Even 7th Heaven is calling you wimpy. It might be time for an image change. Does Federline have a sister? Martin asks if the CamRents are going to help Meredith, and Annie says that they will, but not by letting her stay with them, which is the only thing Meredith actually wanted. But Annie only lets non-Camdens move in if they're hot young boys, so I guess Meredith's just shit out of luck. Annie justifies her decision by saying that Meredith should be in a home with people who can totally focus on her, and that the Camdens have a lot to take on, what with...well, actually, they have less to take on now than they ever have, but Annie tries to make up some excuses while RevCam drinks deeply from the small bottled water that represents what the CamRents spend their money on instead of helping foster children.
Ruthie enters the scene because she knows how much I love seeing her face, and asks if Meredith is going to live in the CamPound. Once again, we are told that she isn't. "Your dad is going to try to find her a home," says Annie. "I'm going to try to find her a home," says RevCam. "That's what I said," says Annie. Ruthie mentions that Meredith has a heretofore unknown second sister, "the one in the wheelchair." "The one in the wheelchair? Meredith has a handicapped sister?" says RevCam. "Christina and Meredith have a handicapped sister?" says Annie. Wow, the writers sure do use those copy and paste functions a lot, huh? Ruthie answers them with this little gem: "I don't know if she's handicapped, but she's in a wheelchair." No, Ruthie, she's perfectly fine. She just hangs out in a wheelchair because it's fun. Ruthie tells RevCam that Kelly lives in a "special-needs house." RevCam's eyes light up, and he asks if the special-needs house has vacancies for two small twin boys.
Kelly wheels in to greet RevCam with a "joke" asking where RevCam, the "Davis family guardian angel," has been for the last ten years. RevCam laughs uncomfortably. Kelly thinks it's because he's not used to seeing a handicapped person crack jokes, like, thanks for the Cousin Geri moment, Kelly. By the way: you are no Cousin Geri. And I think you're older than the actresses playing your sisters. Wheels says she's surprised that a minister is actually trying to help her, since "godly types" talk about helping, but never actually do anything. Don't give away the ending, Kelly! And, oh: there's another child in the Davis family.
RevCam meets Danny, who arrives in the care of -- oh my god, would you look at this shining beacon of continuity -- CPS lady! Hooray! I always liked her. She tells RevCam that she'll be in the corner of the room, watching and judging. "Don't let the black guy fool you, I don't get into a lot of fights," says Danny. Damn, that's cold! CPS Lady may have a deep voice, but she's definitely a female! And why the racism, Danny? Oh, wait -- he said "black eye." A misunderstanding that could easily be cleared up if this show would just cast people who were capable of clear speech. Anyway, Danny alludes to physical abuse and says he hasn't seen his sisters in a long time, and he misses them. He changes the subject to bathrooms, and RevCam mentions they have one down the hall. Danny runs off to find it. I guess Mexican Fiesta night down at the Social Services Home didn't go down very well.
Danny's absence gives CPS Lady, who turns out to be named "Greta," a chance to tell it like it is. Preach it, Greta! "See, some things are your business, and some things are my business," she begins. She narrows her eyes and accuses RevCam of "stepping" into her business, then yells at RevCam for talking to the Davis kids without calling her first. Greta calls Christina a "success story," since when most Social Service kids leave the system they end up on drugs or pregnant, and while Social Services has programs for them, they don't have anything for the people who actually do okay. Why would they? If they're doing okay, what programs do they need? I don't want my tax dollars going to some "People Who Are All Right, And Keeping It That Way" program unless I get to take it. Greta asks RevCam what he's going to do about the Davises and the families across America just like them. Hold on there, Greta: RevCam didn't say anything about helping the rest of the country. That would be foolish!
RevCam comes home to find the entire family eating dinner without him. Kevin gets RevCam a plate and apologizes for not being able to handle the Simon situation himself. That's not good enough for Lucy, who nags him to tell RevCam that he learned his lesson and he won't try to parent anymore. Well, that's good. We certainly wouldn't want Kevin to get practice before he becomes a first-time father, now, would we? RevCam stops lecturing so he can stare at everyone with his mouth hanging open, until someone offstage pokes SamVid with a stick so they can ask RevCam why he's doing that. RevCam says he just loves having dinner with his family and having a family, and -- "teaching each other little lessons?" Lucy tries to finish. Shut up, Lucy. You aren't RevCam's favorite child and you aren't going to be RevCam's favorite child, no matter how hard you try. So stop. RevCam seems to agree with me, since he reminds Lucy that he doesn't "know everything about everything." But he does know nothing about everything. Or is that everything about nothing? Kevin asks RevCam how he's going to help the Davises. Annie icily asks if they've been volunteered for anything. Ruthie and Martin say they don't mind sharing their space. Martin says he would even live in the tent in the backyard if that would help someone. Better yet, Martin, you could take that trust fund of yours and rent your own apartment! Annie says there will be no new children in the CamPound. Lucy says that she and Kevin will help any way they can, although they're not exactly jumping to give up their apartment, are they? SamVid tell RevCam they're sure he'll figure out a way to help the Davis children.
Greta calls RevCam's home office with some information about where he can find the Davis mother. She tells RevCam to bring Kevin, in uniform, with him. Is Kevin allowed to dress in uniform when he's off-duty? I thought there was a rule against that. RevCam tells Greta that his plan is to try to reunite the Davis family, to which Greta responds that the father is dead of a drug overdose and the mother is halfway there herself. RevCam says she might be their only chance. Greta laughs at him and rolls her eyes.
RevCam and Kevin pull up to a halfway house: "halfway between here and Hell," Kevin wittily points out, looking at its surroundings. How sad that the halfway house seems to be in a better neighborhood than my apartment. I must live three-quarters of the way to Hell. RevCam tells Kevin to wait in the car while he finds Mrs. Davis, and suddenly Mackenzie Phillips appears in RevCam's window to make fun of RevCam for bringing a police escort. "Aren't you a minister? Isn't God watching over you?" she asks. Obviously, Mackenzie knew RevCam was coming to see her, so I guess they have working telephones halfway between here and Hell. Good to know that I can call people when I'm on my way down. Although I don't know what we'd talk about.
RevCam asks Mackenzie if they can have a chat. Mackenzie proceeds to exhale her cigarette smoke directly in RevCam's face. Methinks the Davis family has yet another daughter, and her name is Betty! Mackenzie agrees to speak to RevCam, and he exits the car just as Kevin's cell phone rings. It's Lucy, of course, and she needs to fill another five minutes of screen time:
Lucy: How's it going?
Kevin: It's going. I'll call you back.
Lucy: Have you seen the mother yet?
Kevin: We just met her. I'll call you back.
Lucy: What does she look like?
Kevin: Can I call you back?
Lucy: Is she standing right there?
Kevin: Pretty close, yeah. I really would appreciate if I could call you back.
I'll bet Kevin's so glad he married that naghag, especially after seeing what else was available to him at Low Standards U and even the halfway house. To get rid of Lucy, Kevin says it will be a miracle if RevCam can fix things for the Davis family, although I don't know what he's basing this on other than the probability that if Mrs. Davis gets her kids back, she'll immediately burn them and their house down in a miracle conflagration that incinerates the entire house but leaves the front door unscathed. Kevin says he thinks RevCam is just as over his head as Kevin was when he had to deal with Simon. So, not really at all?
RevCam and Mackenzie talk in a nice little park you wouldn't expect to see adjacent to a house halfway between here and Hell. My apartment is adjacent to a highway and bright purple church. I really need to look into how to get a room at a halfway house. RevCam tells Mackenzie he wants to help her so they can help her children. She says she doesn't need help; she has plans for her post-halfway house life. "I'm going to go back to what I do best: getting high," Mackenzie proudly states. Because drug addicts just love being drug addicts. It's not like they get out of rehab and try to stay clean but find life too difficult to deal with without drugs. They're drug addicts by choice! They're happy that way! ["Although it occurs to me that the 7H writing staff might have more than a little experience in the area of drug addiction as pain management." -- Sars] Mackenzie says she's "done with all that. [Her kids are] all fine anyway." RevCam says they're not fine. They don't have homes, and they're separated from each other. He asks Mackenzie if there's anything she can do to help her kids. Maybe she could "take some drug-counseling classes" or "go to school" or even "come to church." Mackenzie laughs at RevCam and calls him an "innocent little lamb." Seriously. The only way I could see going to church helping here is if Mackenzie takes to staring at RevCam's ugly-ass stained glass office window and finds that it mimics all the effects of hallucinogens with none of the expense or addiction. RevCam says he's not innocent, just optimistic. He tells Mackenzie that if she won't be a mother to her children, she could at least sign away her parental rights to give them a better chance of being adopted. Mackenzie says she'll do no such thing, and if that's what RevCam came to ask, then he can leave. RevCam asks if her if she's jealous that he's trying to help her kids and not her. "What do you need?" he asks her. "Talk to me." Guess what? Mackenzie needs money. That's the only reason she agreed to come on this show. I mean, "talk to RevCam." He won't give her anything, so she bids him farewell. I wish she had blown smoke in his face again, or better yet, extinguished her cigarette on his semi-parabolic widow's peak.
RevCam comes back in the car and reports that the situation is "spiraling downward." They'll have to banish it to Buffalo soon. Is Peter Graves available?
Home again, RevCam finds Martin in the hallway. Martin tells RevCam he hopes he can help the Davises. Martin can relate to them, since they're in Social Services, and he's...well, not. But he's afraid of it happening, even though he has an aunt and the ability, not to mention the money, to become an emancipated minor. RevCam says he hopes he can think of something. Martin says he'll tell Meredith that at school tomorrow. Ruthie and Happy come out from behind a corner and, Ruthie asks what Martin's going to tell Meredith. Hmm...her spying skills certainly have gone downhill. I wish I could say the same for her clothes sense, but that t-shirt with a horse face on it that looks like it came straight out of an Artex catalogue is actually an improvement over her usual outfits. Ruthie goes to bed, leaving RevCam with Happy. They have a scintillating conversation:
Happy: [Bark.]
RevCam: I don't know. I really don't know.
Happy: [Whine.]
RevCam: I don't have a solution, okay?
Happy: [Bark!]
RevCam: [mumbles]
It's like an episode of Lassie, but without anyone getting trapped in a mineshaft or June Lockhart calling the operator on that awesome farm phone, so it totally sucks. But I guess this is what happens when the woman who plays your wife only works twenty hours a week. Speaking of whom, she's not even waiting for RevCam in bed. Instead, she left a ridiculously ornate note on the pillow that says, in freaking cursive that looks like it came from a quill pen, that she's at Lucy's. Maybe Catherine Hicks has been spending her copious amounts of free time off the set taking calligraphy classes.
The phone rings. It's Greta, who's basking in the glow of her victory. I like Greta and all, but does she ever leave work? She's still in her office and it's like ten o'clock. Go out more, Greta. But stay away from the Promenade. RevCam wonders if they can get Mackenzie's parental rights terminated without her consent. And then he says he just gives up. Wow. So he finally has to deal with a situation he can't simplify down to one easy answer, and he freaking gives up? What a tool. What a terrible show. Because Greta has a basic understanding of how to deal with complex problems, she says she won't accept that, and smirks as RevCam explains that he has no idea what to do. Holding the phone five feet away from her mouth, Greta tells RevCam to "keep praying" and try to think of something. He hangs up, and yet another exciting exchange of dialogue takes place:
RevCam: [looks up] I can't do this alone.
Ceiling: ...
RevCam: Come on, I just, I just need an idea, something I haven't thought of.
Suddenly, Annie comes barreling into the bedroom, just bursting with ideas! Oh, that is a good one, God. Seriously, dude. Nice. "Oh, you want me to give you an idea, do you, RevCam? Well, now you can stare at your shrew wife's Hagface. Ha!" Anyway, Annie's crap idea is that RevCam should get the whole church involved in helping Social Services kids. For instance, she and Lucy are going to become "licensed foster parents," although they won't actually parent any foster children. They'll just be able to better support those who will. In the spirit of Annie's generosity, I'm going to get certified in CPR, and then watch someone choke to death because I have too much going on in my life to do the Heimlich Maneuver. Annie says she thinks people aren't foster parents because they're "afraid." But if they weren't alone in the process, maybe they wouldn't be. Annie says that RevCam can help people do this, "those that [sic] are willing." And those would be Not Annie. I love how Annie just assumes that, if the potential foster parents are members of their church, they'll be able to provide children with safe homes. I guess she didn't hear about those church-going foster parents who starved their four adopted boys, which happened, ironically enough, in Camden County, New Jersey. RevCam's all crying and stuff, because it's always awesome when other people do your work and think of your ideas for you. I'll bet this is how Brenda Hampton gets ideas for this show.
Brenda Hampton: Please, ceiling. I need your help!
Ceiling: Perhaps another episode about gang violence in white suburbia? We haven't seen that enough.
Brenda Hampton: BRILLIANT! Thank you, ceiling! [runs out of the room]
Ceiling: Heh heh heh. Stupid bitch.
And we're in church! Apparently, they maxed out on the budget with Mackenzie Phillips's appearance, since they're only using the office set for RevCam's speech. That won't stop them from cramming an entire congregation's worth of extras in it, though! RevCam tells everyone about what we just saw happen not a half hour ago, then announces his intention to "find a home for the half-million -- half-million -- other children in America who are in some form of foster care right now." Wha?!? Three seconds ago, he couldn't even help ONE child, and now he's going to help five hundred thousand? RevCam pamphlets that there are over a hundred and thirty thousand kids in need of placement. Oh, there's Greta hanging out in the back, and she looks kind of pissed. Maybe it's because the body heat generated by so many people in such a tight space is making her uncomfortably warm. Or maybe she doesn't like the smell of the shit coming out of RevCam's mouth. Here's some more for the pile: RevCam says he's not just going to stop with kids in America -- he's going to help kids EVERYWHERE in THE WORLD! He doesn't mention anything about the pressing need for this help in Africa, considering the rapidly growing number of AIDS orphans, because we already had an episode about that continent. Nor does he say how, exactly, his piddly little congregation is going to save these children, especially when he won't be adopting any of them. Instead, he just utters a vague "with God all things are possible," although he chooses not to follow that up with an explanation about why God took these kids' parents away in the first place. "Let's do it," says RevCam, "let's save the world." RevCam tells everyone they can make a difference. Well, everyone except for him, since he's not taking any kids into his gigantic, empty mansion. Plus, he spent church money that could have gone towards helping foster kids on a new flat screen TV so he can play a video montage. That's right: another freaking montage. If they had to fill another five minutes, they could have at least had RevCam consulting the coffeemaker or Mackenzie blowing smoke in his face over and over again.
"What a difference you've made in my liiiife!" sings some generically-voiced man as photos, presumably of families with foster and/or adopted children, flash onto the screen. RevCam isn't watching because he's too busy looking proud of himself for getting this all put together, even though Simon obviously did it last night with iMovie while stoned off his ass on some homeless-girl-grown-weed. Is that a family wearing oversized sombreros in honor of their adopted Mexican child? How culturally sensitive! Hey, did you know that Brenda Hampton has two adopted children? That sort of makes this entire episode a big old pat on the back for her, doesn't it? You have to respect, however grudgingly, someone who's got balls like that. A toast to you, Brenda Hampton. A toast to you from my halfway to hell half-beer.