In a daring change of formula, we don't open on the CamPound, but on Eddie's Pool Hall, where Martin and Mac, fresh from a night of studying, run into Kevin and his cop buddies. There aren't any open pool tables, so Kevin invites Mac and Martin to wait with them. Then Lucy calls and pretty much demands that Kevin cut his evening short to bring her a chocolate cake. The cop buddies make fun of Kevin for being whipped, and Kevin fires back that there's a reason why they aren't married. Good insult, Kevin. Oh, except that if being married means sharing a garage apartment over your spouse's parents' garage and having to bend over backwards to fulfill every single one of your spouse's requests without getting anything in return, then I don't want to be married. No one would. Suddenly, an elderly lady walks up and asks the guys if they know if Eddie's offers a senior citizen discount. "Hi, Venus," says one of the cop buddies. Yes, her name is "Venus." It appears that Brenda has ventured past the confines of her World Atlas and is now using a map of the Milky Way for character-naming inspiration. Although it makes sense here, since Venus, the person, is probably about as old as Venus, the planet. Anyway, Mercury notices Mac and Martin and asks them if they're "new on the job." "We don't work here," says Martin cluelessly. Pluto turns to Kevin and says that the rookies are getting younger and younger every year. While she gets older and older. Kevin and the cop buddies play along. Orion's Belt tells Kevin that Martin is cute. Kevin leaves, wishing Martin "good luck" on his way out.
A table seems to have suddenly opened, so Martin and Mac make their way over to it. Mac says that Mars is "checking" Martin "out." "She's, like, five years older than us," says Martin. Yes, five. Plus twenty. Times two. Martin turns to look at Upsilon Andromedae, and she gives him a "flirty" wave. Either that, or she's trying to work the arthritis pain out of her finger joints.
The Opening Credits Timewaster features RevCam snooping around the house. He goes into Martin's room and checks out his desk drawers, then is about to climb the stairs to the attic when Annie comes out of the CamBoudoir, dressed in her best silk night muumuu. It turns out that RevCam was snooping around in search of Martin, and just why, exactly, would he think that Martin had snuck up to Ruthie's attic room? Ewww. Annie suggests that RevCam call Martin's cell phone, but it turns out that neither of them know his phone number. And I know Martin isn't their son, but damn, that is irresponsible of the CamRents. RevCam says he'll go out and look for Martin.
Martin's playing pool with The Moons of Jupiter, who's giving him advice about how to deal with getting teased by veteran cops. For example, Alpha Centauri remembers how back in the thirties, it was popular to stick a match an unsuspecting rookie's shoe, and then light it and laugh when the rookie danced and screamed because his foot was on fire. Sometimes Saturn doesn't remember that, though, because the memory tend to go at her age. When she notices that it's getting late, and Martin says he should be getting home. Halley's Comet -- you know what? Venus is a stupid name, and I'm already running out of Milky Way-related things to call her. So I'm just going to call her "Martha," because that is the actress's name and she looks like she was born back when the name "Martha" was popular. Anyway, Martha asks Martin drive her home, but she asks the way Lucy "asks" for things, which means she's not really asking at all; she's demanding. "Can you handle it?" she adds, like driving her home is some kind of Xtreme Sport. Martin says he can handle "it," and tells Mac to get another ride home, suggesting one of the cop buddies as a ride source. Martin and Martha leave, and Mac turns to ask the cop buddies for a ride. But they're gone. And Mac can't call his parents for a ride, because they're divorced.
RevCam enters Ruthie's bedroom (without knocking) and says he's glad she's still up. Ruthie asks if he needs anything. Ew. Fortunately, all RevCam needs tonight is Martin's cell phone number, which Ruthie doesn't have. "Why don't you just snoop around his room and get it yourself? That's what I would do," Ruthie suggests, of course. "I'm not gonna snoop around his room looking for a phone number," RevCam says. Ruthie gives him an "uh huh" stare until he admits that he already invaded Martin's room, but the phone number wasn't there. That's probably because most people who aren't stupid like the Camdens don't usually need to write their OWN PHONE NUMBER down. RevCam asks if Ruthie has Mac's phone number, and Ruthie says that Mac is too old for her, "remember?" I remember. I'll never forget. And it's killing me inside. Suddenly, Ruthie remembers that Martin mentioned going to the pool hall tonight. RevCam takes off, and Ruthie goes back to her reading. And we stay on that thrilling shot for about five minutes.
Martha and Martin enter Martha's house. She thanks him for walking her to the house, and he tries to leave. Martha asks if he wants a drink, but Martin says he doesn't drink. Martha offers coffee, but Martin doesn't like the taste of coffee. Martha offers soda, then juice, then water, desperate to find a beverage choice that will make a man stay at her house. Martha says she wants to "do something" to pay Martin back for being so nice to her. Martin says he can stick around for "a minute," and Martha leaves to make some tea, saying that "rookie cops are all alike." Martin's brow knits. Although perhaps "weaves -- on one of those big-ass looms" is a more fitting description when it comes to the shag carpeting currently residing above Martin's eyes.
Kevin gets a glass of water from his own fridge, and I'm surprised that he didn't go to the CamPound for one. I'm sure they've got individually bottled Evian over there. There's a knock on the Treehouse "door," which is actually more like a hatch in the middle of the floor. You know, like what most homes use as an entrance to the attic. Congratulations, Treehouse of Lurv! You are officially more pathetic than Mike Seaver's garage apartment on Growing Pains. RevCam enters and asks Kevin if he knows where Martin is. He called the pool hall, but the poor sap stuck on RevCam duty that night told him that Martin left. Kevin says Martin is probably somewhere with Mac, but RevCam doesn't think so, since everywhere on the Promenade is closed. Kevin says he'll make some calls, but RevCam wants to get started calling the police and the hospital. Kevin breaks it to RevCam that Martin was talking to a "girl" who hasn't been anything close to a girl in about seventy years. Suddenly, Lucy wakes up and butts into the conversation that there was a "twenty-something-year-old girl" (I'll let that pass, since when you look like Lucy, Martha Plimpton probably does look like a twenty-something-year-old girl) who Kevin let believe that Martin was a rookie cop. Kevin makes a "thanks for tattling, bitch" face, and RevCam asks Kevin why he would do something like that. Kevin says that it was "just a joke," made because Martha is always hanging around police officers. RevCam lectures that Kevin's joke wasn't funny and that "it's illegal" for older women to pick up younger men. Kevin tells RevCam to go back home and he'll track down Martin. "I don't think it's funny, either," Lucy says, like anyone asked for her opinion or has even been paying attention to her.
Martha walks out of the kitchen dressed in 7th Heaven's version of sexy nightwear. And if you thought Annie's silk muumuu was scandalous, wait until you see Martha's long flannel pants, silk robe, and loosely-fitting tank top! "Clothes are so confining," says Martha, and I'll bet they just are when you've got one of those osteoporosis humps to deal with. Martin tries to explain to Martha that he's not a cop, but Martha just interrupts him to ask what they call new cops these days: "Rook? Meat? Newbie? Plebe?" Martin lamely tries to explain himself again, and maybe if he didn't stop short and wait for Martha to interrupt him like five minutes later, he'd be able to do it. Then Martha mentions that her dad is a Marine in Afghanistan, and I wonder if he enjoyed Ruthie's little dance video. I also wonder if his name is Uranus, because I was saving that joke for this moment. Martin's face lights up because now he has a soldier daddy buddy. Martha and Martin bond about how hard it is to have a dad in the army, and they do this thing where they interrupt what each other is saying over and over again to show that they have a Shared Experience. "I miss my dad," says Martha, and surely he died of old age back in the sixties, so you'd think the wounds wouldn't be so fresh.
Kevin asks someone on the phone for Martha's phone number, but whoever he was talking to doesn't have it. Lucy asks if Kevin can hurry up and find Martin, because she's having a hard time falling asleep with all this noise. Bitch. Kevin calls some guy named "Phil," who answers the phone all annoyed because his baby is sleeping. But he might have Martha's phone number.
An awkward silence has fallen over Martha's living room, so the phone rings. It's Kevin, and he needs to talk to Martin. "Sounds like urgent police business!" says Martha. You know, I cut her a break and remained silent when she was asking Martin what rookies are called these days because I loved The Goonies, but I'm sorry. What a loser Martha is. Both as a character on this show and in real life, because leaving a Broadway show to appear on this crapfest is damn stupid. On the phone, Kevin is warning Martin that there "better be nothing going on," and orders him to return to the CamPound. Martin tells Martha he has to go, and Martha asks if she can see him "tomorrow night." He says he isn't sure, and she asks if it's because he's working some "special case." Martin tries to leave again, but Martha demands a good night kiss. "Uh...no," says Martin. "I love a man with a sense of honor!" says Martha, who apparently needs to be hit over the head with a baseball bat that says "he's a hormone-crazed teenage boy, and he still doesn't want you" before she'll actually get it.
Martin sneaks into the CamPound, where RevCam and Annie are, naturally, waiting for him at the kitchen table. I've never noticed this before, but why do the CamRents have a lit china cabinet, and why is it currently lit, and why is it displaying what appears to be a Fiestaware cookie jar? It's still a better décor decision than that phonograph we'll see later on, though. Martin apologizes both for not calling and for coming home late, and Annie and RevCam ask what happened with Martha, explaining that they heard all about her from Kevin. "Did Kevin tell you this whole thing is his fault?" says Martin, because when you shift the blame, you can sometimes get away with things, right? Martin also says that he doesn't have a curfew, and he and Martha just talked. Annie says she thinks it's a sign of "trouble." Yes; first you assist the elderly, then you drink half a light beer, and then it's off to Buffalo for you! Martin snaps that he needs to get some sleep for school, and takes off. The CamRents sip their coffee sadly. The clarinets play, and my roommate walks through the living room and says, "Oh! It's the Fanfare of Parental Despair!"
The day at school, Mac is pissed at Martin for ditching him. But he's also curious if anything happened between Martin and Martha. Martin denies everything and says that he's going to tell Martha that he's not a cop as soon as he gets home. Mac says he can tell her now, and points out that she's walking up the stairs. Before Martin can escape, Martha spots him and asks what he's doing there. Before Martin can answer, she assumes he's working undercover. She explains that she's a substitute teacher (like anyone thought she was a student), and that their secret is safe with her. She's certainly making it no secret that she's eighty, what with the dowdy pink sweater, ugly flower brooch, and positively antique pearl necklace she's sporting. She asks Martin to call her later.
At the Glenoak PD, Kevin's cop buddies get some coffee and laugh about how Kevin was calling them last night for Martha's number to get himself some late-night booty. They all know Martha's number, but none of them would give it to Kevin because they didn't want to get him in trouble with the horrible Lucy. Then sleeping baby cop walks up and says he gave Kevin Martha's number, which he had because she used to baby-sit his kid. Which isn't so far-fetched when you think about the classic story The Berenstain Bears and the Sitter, in which Brother and Sister Bear were upset because their new baby-sitter was a crotchety old woman. The cops gossip about Kevin's adulterous ways until Capt. Michaels walks by, overhears them, and is all "who in the what now?"
Kevin's getting lectured in the CamKitchen. He apologizes for being responsible for Martin coming home late (even though he really wasn't), but that's still not enough for Annie, who adds that Martin looks up to Kevin, and "there are enough bad influences out there." Annie seems to have returned to the Clownface of Suicidal Despair she was sporting all through Season Eight.
I guess Ben is still around, because he's walking through the kitchen, apparently home from a camping trip with some Glenoak firemen. Obviously, he's lying about who he was with, because he's all "firemen who fight fires, that's who I was camping with, firemen." Come on, Ben! You're not allowed to over-exposit like that unless you're talking about Martin's father, the marine who fights in Iraq, to Iran, that Iraq. Lucy runs in and asks Kevin why he isn't at work yet; Capt. Michaels just called looking for him. Kevin runs out the door, and Lucy asks Ben why he didn't come back yesterday, like he was supposed to. Ben just says that one of the guys wanted to stay an extra day. RevCam and Annie look at each other, all suspicious. Lucy tells Ben that that's interesting, since last episode's Doctor English left a message for Ben that she had a "wonderful time" over the weekend and to call her. Oh, BUSTED! You had premarital sex, Ben! Now you have to go to therapy! Lucy whines that Ben lying to her makes her "uncomfortable," because Ben is related to Kevin, so if Ben can lie to her, then Kevin can too. It's the Transitive Property of Immorality. I'm sure it's in the Bible. Lucy storms out of the house, followed by Ben, and the CamRents examine their coffee cups. I think Annie's trying to figure out how to drown herself in hers.
Kevin meets up with Capt. Michaels at the station house, where a "comedic" misunderstanding takes place in which Kevin thinks Capt. Michaels is lecturing him for telling Martha that Martin was a cop, and Capt. Michaels thinks Kevin's talking about cheating on Lucy with Martha. It ends with Capt. Michaels giving Kevin an "order" not to talk to Martha or even go near her. And just what authority does Capt. Michaels have to even do that? It's not like he's the God of Glenoak, like RevCam.
In the Treehouse of Lurv, Ben asks Lucy how she feels about DE. Lucy says she likes her, but she's going back to her regular doctor even though she made the world's biggest deal out of switching to DE last week. "Dr. Klein?" Ben asks, sounding upset. Lucy's upset too, since apparently Ben and DE were discussing her confidential medical information on their camping trip. Ben says that DE and Dr. Klein were married, but Dr. Klein moved out because he wanted his "freedom." Ben doesn't want the sleazy Dr. Klein delivering his niece, and tells Lucy he'll go talk to Kevin about changing doctors. And he's going to talk to him right now, which doesn't even make sense since Kevin is at work and this really isn't an important matter, but since it furthers the ridiculous "Kevin is cheating on Lucy, part 11,067" storyline, it has to happen.
Outside the school, Mac is talking to some kids you may remember from a few episodes ago. Unfortunately, I don't remember them well enough to know if the one on the right is Middle Eastern boy or Native American boy, or if the one on the left is Shylock Van Jewenstein or Appalachia Boy. Mac's telling them about how Martin is dating their substitute teacher, and Shylock/Appalachia's all "she's hot!" Dude, no. I used to have a substitute teacher we called Mrs. SourLemons because her face always looked like she had just sucked on lemons. She was like eighty years old, and she was still hotter, not to mention more youthful, than Martha.
Kevin finds Martin getting his baseball equipment ready for practice. He tells Martin that he didn't mean for Martin to go home with Martha, to which Martin, sounding irritated, replies that all they did was talk, so Kevin can relax. Kevin says that if they did anything more than that, it would be illegal, which...would it? Isn't it only illegal if they actually have sex? Aren't there things that come in between talking and sex? I mean, even in the CamUniverse, they have making out. Martin snaps that impersonating a police officer is also against the law, but thanks to Kevin, he's guilty of that. If I were Kevin, I'd go and arrest Martin for impersonating a police officer, but Kevin just stands there as Martin walks away from the Honda Element he bought with the twenty thousand-plus dollars I guess he has lying around.
Ben's hanging out at the police station, looking through Kevin's paperwork, and how is he even allowed back there? Capt. Michaels walks up and rightly asks if whatever Ben has to say to Kevin can't wait until Kevin gets home, to which Ben replies that he doesn't want to have the conversation in front of Lucy, even though he just told her what he was going to talk to Kevin about. Of course, Capt. Michaels thinks Ben is talking about Kevin cheating on Lucy, so he says he doesn't want to talk to Ben in front of the entire station, and pulls him back about ten feet to a much more private location which is still in the middle of the station and surrounded by officers. Capt. Michaels says the fact that Kevin is cheating on Lucy makes him question Kevin's entire character, and that he's known Lucy since she was a baby so he'd be pissed if Kevin hurt her feelings. It's sort of a conflict of interest, Kevin's boss being bestest friends with Kevin's father-in-law, isn't it? Good thing Capt. Michaels is so professional about it. He tells Ben that he made Kevin work tonight so that Kevin couldn't be with Martha, but he wants Kevin to stop cheating and to tell Lucy the truth. Ben's like "whatever."
Nighttime at the CamPound. RevCam's making dinner since Catherine Hicks hasn't done more than three scenes an episode since, like, Season Five. Martin comes in, and RevCam says he wants to talk to him. Martin says he's had enough lectures for one day, but when RevCam's around, you can never have enough lectures. Nor will your opinions actually count. RevCam begins: "I don't want to give you the 'my house, my rules' speech, but if you're living in my house, you have to live by my rules." Martin's all, "Then maybe I won't live in your stupid house anymore," which just flummoxes RevCam. Ha! RevCam says Martin's dad would never let Martin live by himself, but it turns out that Martin knows more about his father's intentions than the guy who's only met his father once, and he reveals that he and his father talked about Martin becoming emancipated once and decided not to go through with it, but maybe it's the right thing to do now. RevCam tries to piss on Martin's parade by asking if Martin has the income necessary to become emancipated, and is again flummoxed when Martin says he does: his mother's life insurance money. Didn't RevCam, like, notice that Martin was buying new SUVs? He's too shocked to say anything, so he just starts to cry. Martin still has plenty to say, though, like about how he's ten months away from being a legal adult, and not too much is going to change between then and now, so he's really just as much of a responsible adult now than he will be when he turns eighteen. He says that he shouldn't have to rely on his family to make decisions for him since they aren't around, and he shouldn't rely on the Camdens since they aren't his family. Martin storms off, leaving RevCam with his tears.
Martin runs into his room and starts packing his things. Ruthie comes in and asks Martin if he's moving in with his substitute teacher girlfriend she heard about at school. Martin says the sub is just a friend, and he's not moving in with her. Ruthie says RevCam won't stand for this. Martin finishes packing, and he may not be the best in terms of eyebrow grooming, but boy, is that kid a fast packer. I thought I was pretty good when I packed everything for my move across the country in less than two hours, but Martin has me beat by one hour and fifty-eight minutes.
Martin runs into SamVid in the hall, who bid him goodnight and goodbye. Apparently, they heard the entire conversation Martin and RevCam had while they were spying at the top of the staircase. And they understood what Martin meant when he said "emancipated." Oddly enough, this makes sense. Obviously, SamVid are idiot savants, and the one thing they're good at is spying, which is firmly encoded in the Camden genes. Vid wishes Martin "good luck" with his teacher, then flashes him a hilariously sarcastic-looking "way to go there, champ" thumbs up, as if Vid knows just how old and unattractive Martha really is. You know, I'm really starting to like Vid. I think he's my favorite character on the show right now. Well, except for Happy. Martin tells the twins that he isn't dating Martha, and takes off. SamVid cling to Happy, who whimpers in pain.
Annie and RevCam are waiting for Martin in the kitchen. I think Annie's only there looking for some all-purpose rope that she can hang herself with, though. RevCam asks Martin to at least sleep on his decision to move out. Martin says he won't. RevCam tries again: "I know we're not perfect. Our own kids certainly aren't perfect," he says, and truer words have never been spoken. RevCam continues, "Have we been so horrible to live with that we've ever kept you from anything you wanted to do?" You mean like play professional baseball? But at least RevCam recognizes how painful it must be to live in the CamPound. RevCam asks Martin if he really thinks he can just grow up overnight, and Martin says that he's already grown up because his mother's dead and his dad is in Iraq. "I grew up because I had to. Not because I wanted to," says Martin, and RevCam is on the verge of tears again. I think Martin would have a lot more respect for RevCam's authority if he wasn't such a pussy all the time. I have five-year-old cousins who don't cry this much.
Lucy's bent over a spiral notebook, writing furiously, and I wonder if she's putting the finishing touches on her senior thesis. Ben keeps interrupting to ask if she wants anything to eat or drink. RevCam runs upstairs (without knocking) and asks where Kevin is. Ben falls all over himself explaining that Kevin is at work and not lying about being at work, and RevCam tells them to let Kevin know he needs to talk to him. RevCam leaves the Treehouse, and Lucy asks Ben what his problem is. He denies there being any problem, so Lucy makes her "suspicious/worried/Shar Pei" expression and calls the police station. Kevin answers, but quickly says he can't talk because he just made an arrest. He sure is a man of action! Lucy asks Ben what his problem is, and why he isn't going out with the doctor tonight, and Ben says that he wants to spend time with his sister-in-law. Lucy doesn't believe any of this, which makes sense, since why would anyone want to spend time with her? In fact, Lucy's now wondering if Kevin asked to work a night shift to get away from her. She decides to talk to Kevin "face to face" and leaves for the station, even though Kevin just told her that he's too busy to talk and it isn't professional for one's wife to be visiting his place of employment all the time and stirring up all kinds of personal stuff.
After Lucy's gone, Ben picks up the phone and calls Kevin, who tells him he's busy and hangs up. Ben calls again, and Kevin hangs up on him again. So Ben calls DE, who says she had a great time last weekend, but that her "ex-husband" has suddenly come home and wants to give their marriage another chance (so I guess he's not quite an "ex") and it's all because the non-ex-husband saw DE with a hunky younger guy and got jealous! "Thanks!" says DE, and that's the end of that.
Lucy wanders into the station, where Kevin is so busy trying to remember how to spell his name on the arrest paperwork that he doesn't see her. The "perp," however, does, and he's all "who's that?" because I guess he's wearing the same beer goggles that Mac and Shylock/Appalachia were using earlier when they claimed that Martha was hot. Lucy asks Kevin what's going on, noticing (in one of those rare moments when she's not so wrapped up in herself that she's able to acknowledge the existence of others) that all the other officers at the station are staring at her and murmuring. Perp informs Lucy that Kevin is cheating on her with Martha, and Lucy's eyes fill with tears and she runs off. Because why talk to your husband when you can get information from THE GUY HE JUST ARRESTED who has obvious reasons to want to make your husband's life difficult, and then instantly believe that and run off?
Martin's sitting in his car outside Martha's house, pretty much stalking her. I guess you can take the Camden hanger-on out of the CamPound, but you can't take the CamPound out of the Camden hanger-on. I have to hope that somewhere in Florida, a post-deprogramming Robbie is spending his nights in the company of those who want him around. Martin watches a car drives up to Martha's house and two military men get out and go to her door. The Violin and Guitar of REGRET TO INFORM play us into commercial.
When we come back, Martin is leaning against his car and crying. He whips out his cell phone to call RevCam, who's busy pacing around the foyer. I guess after Martin left, Annie just shrugged and said, "So we drove another one out. We still got too many left," and went to bed. Martin sobs to RevCam that he needs his help.
Lucy comes home. Ben starts to tell her the painful story about how he was dumped, but Lucy doesn't care about Ben's problems because she has her own stuff to share. She sobs to Ben that she has to raise her baby as a single mother because Kevin is cheating on her. And while I can muster up some sympathy for Martin, I feel nothing but scorn and disdain for Lucy. Ben tells Lucy that he heard a rumor about Kevin, but hasn't had a chance to talk to him about it. And get this: since Ben is level-headed, he was going to actually talk to Kevin before he formed an opinion about the matter. Ben tells Lucy that the Kinkirks are loyal men. Lucy rather rudely points out that Ben said earlier that he can't spend every night with the same woman, so there must not be much to that Kinkirk loyalty. You know, Lucy, it's not real smart to judge someone by the actions of his brother. Why, what if I were to judge you by the actions of your family members? I would assume you were stupid and judgmental without ever having talked to you, which -- hmm. Maybe there is something to that after all. Ben tells Lucy not to believe that Kevin would cheat on her, because he knows Kevin would never do that. Lucy points out that Ben initially believed that Kevin cheated on her. Ben says he's stupid, so it took him a while to figure out that it wasn't true.
Ruthie's putting dishes in the dishwasher when she sees her father getting his car keys. "Martin. You're going to find Martin," she says without any feeling in her voice whatsoever. RevCam says Martin's friend got some bad news, and that she needs him. And Martin needs RevCam. Awwww yeah. Bam chicka bam bam. Ruthie watches RevCam go, then resumes her dish-placing activities. She puts a glass in the dishwasher. Why are we still watching this scene?
Ah, there we go. The Treehouse of Lurv. Kevin comes home and kicks Ben out. Kevin asks Lucy what she wants him to say. It shouldn't surprise anyone that she's ready with an answer, and it's totally pathetic and clingy. She wants him to say that the rumors about Martha aren't true, that he'll never leave her or their daughter, and that he'll love her forever. Kevin says all of those things, but it's still not good enough for Lucy, who wants to know if he's telling the truth. With the patience of a goddamn saint, Kevin says that it's true. He explains that the Martha rumor started because he was trying to reach her late last night. Lucy accuses Kevin's cop friends of gossiping "more than old ladies." She asks if she has to go to the station and tell all of the officers that she trusts her husband. Kevin's like, "No. Please don't. Please, God, don't." They peck on the lips, and all is well in the Treehouse of Lurv once again.
Capt. Michaels calls the house, probably hoping he's just late enough to have interrupted any hanky-panky because that's what turns Capt. Michaels on these days, and asks Lucy if everything's been cleared up. She says it has. He asks if Kevin apologized for him, since he made everything worse even though he was just trying to help. Ah, but isn't that always the Camden way? Capt. Michaels apologizes in person and bids Lucy good night. "Good night," says Lucy, forgetting to thank Capt. Michaels for filling ten minutes of screen time.
RevCam and Martin hang out against his car. Brilliant decision, writers, to have the scene where RevCam drives up and Martin tearfully runs over to him and cries on his shoulder take place off-camera, because that kind of scene, when written and performed well, could have actually been moving. Guess we'll have to settle for a monologue from Martin about how tough it is to be a soldier's kid. RevCam interrupts to talk about himself, and how The Colonel is a "casualty assistance officer," and I was waiting for RevCam to mention how he, too, had a military father so he knows how Martin feels. Except he doesn't, he just says that his dad had to knock on a lot of doors, and that RevCam, too, sometimes has to deliver bad news as part of his job. "It's an awful job," RevCam says, like, boo freaking hoo. RevCam tells Martin that he is an adult in a lot of respects, so he can go comfort Martha without RevCam's help. Only RevCam could twist Martin's statement about being an adult around to get himself out of difficult work. But Martin says he can do it, and thanks RevCam for stopping by. The Bad News Officers leave the house. Martin tells RevCam his cell phone number, and you know that inside, RevCam's all "oh my GAWD! I got his PHONE NUMBER!!!" RevCam tells Martin that they won't be waiting up for him tonight, and he can spend however long he needs to with Martha. Then he pats the back of Martin's neck and leaves. It's a sweet gesture until you realize that whenever Martin does return to the CamPound, there's going to be a note waiting for him informing him of his new rent rates that he should be able to afford with his dead mom's money.
Martha's sitting on her couch, looking sad. I'm confused: hasn't this show taught us that when one's father dies, it's cause for joyful celebration? I'm sure the singing and dancing will soon commence. When Martha doesn't answer his insensitively incessant knocks, Martin just comes in. Martha says it's "not a good time" for Martin to be there. He says he knows what happened because he saw the Bad News Officers arrive. He tells her that he isn't a cop and he's only seventeen, and Martha says she pretty much figured that out when she saw him at the high school, and heard the rumors about how she was dating him. Martin tells Martha that he's there for her, as a fellow child of a marine and as her friend. Martha starts crying, so Martin sits to her and puts an arm around her. She leans her head on his shoulder and asks why her dad had to die. Martin doesn't answer her question, because it would hardly be appropriate to tell her that her father died so our president's friends could secure lucrative oil contracts, so he just says that her dad "died with honor, the way all marines do." I guess all the other branches of the military die without honor. Speaking of other branches of the military, wouldn't a much better storyline for Lucy have been if she was worried about HER BEST FRIEND Roxanne, who is also in Iraq right now? Or maybe Ruthie could have said something about her friend, Thank You Staff Sergeant Dwight J. Morgan? I'm just glad this episode ended before we could see the town of Glenoak, dressed in their best star-spangled do-rags and flag T-shirts, turn out for Martha's dad's funeral.