Yes, I'm guest-recapping another stupid episode of stupid 7th Heaven. I mean, this is what happens to you when you don't have a show of your own. In some ways, I have sympathy for Sara M for having to watch this show, but the way she goes about getting someone to cover for her is not unlike when the A-Team needed to get B.A. on a plane. I'm hanging out, Sars and Sara M sidle up and start making some small talk about how Sara M's going on a trip or whatever, and I'm doing my best to ignore that because I know what's coming, so I figure I'll talk to Sars a little bit about baseball, and tell her that her pretty-boy Yankee boyfriend Derek Jeter couldn't carry Miguel Tejada's jock, which of course sets her off, but then I feel a pinch on my arm, and I turn and Sara M is standing there with a needle and a smirk. And I black out. And I come to sitting in my office, with a videotaped episode of 7th Heaven ready to go in the VCR. And I say, "How'd we get to Africa, Hannibal? I know we didn't take no boat!" ["I love it when a plan comes together." -- Sars]
Sigh. Okay. Let's do this.
RevCam's on the phone talking to a "Mrs. Lahey" and thanking her for some donation, and he suck-uppingly tells her that she's always been so generous with her time and money. And despite RevCam's protests, this "Mrs. Lahey" puts "Jack" on the phone, and I guess this is Mrs. Lahey's son. Simon strolls in, and RevCam actually points to the phone and mouths the words "blah blah blah" and makes the "blah blah blah" gesture with his hand, like what kind of an asshole is RevCam? This woman is a valued donor to his congregation and her reward is insults from RevCam? And he asks the kid to put his mom back on the phone, and we actually hear the kid yell "Mom!" which I guess he did right into the receiver. And then RevCam asks Mrs. Lahey if "Jeff" is all right, even though he definitely just said the kid's name is "Jack," and how sad is it that Stephen Collins can't be bothered to get his lines right and that no one involved with the show seems to give a shit, I mean, why leave this completely unnecessary conversation in? So RevCam tells Mrs. Lahey that her son has a "lively" way of expressing himself, in a tone of voice that indicates that "lively" is the most polite way he can think of to say something else instead, like, say, "little hellion."
After RevCam hangs up, Simon says that he thinks that's (putting kids on the phone) a "mom" thing, because whenever he calls Mary (who?), she always puts little "Charles Miguel" on the phone and he winds up paying long-distance just to hear his nephew breathe. Damn womenfolk! RevCam says Charles Miguel will be talking in no time, which I'm sure he's not looking forward to, because it's as soon as kids talk that they get all lippy, hey, RevCam? Well, not SamVid. Come to think of it, maybe that's why he thinks Jack/Jeff is so lively: the kid didn't talk like someone gave him horse tranquilizers.
So Simon's visit is to say his goodbyes, since he's going back to school. RevCam sighs and says he wishes Simon would acknowledge the bad choices he made in his last year at school, instead of leaving with "a commitment to continue some bad choices." Man, who didn't make some bad choices in college? Fortunately, none of my bad choices even speak to me anymore. Simon breezily says they'll have to agree to disagree, and RevCam wearily agrees with that, but then he says he hopes that when Simon has to face up to the consequences of his bad choices, that he won't let the fact that RevCam is right deter Simon from coming to his father for help. I doubt it, RevCam. I think it'll be your smug, sanctimonious attitude that'll deter him. Simon sort of nods and smiles, but that might be because RevCam whips out the ol' RevChequebook and starts buying back Simon's love. If I were Simon, I'd wait until I had the cheque in my hands before I would start going on about how the only consequences were that he examined his life, and that he's not a bad guy, and that if he continues to do what he's been doing, it'll be for the right reasons. "Like marriage?" says RevCam, hopefully. Idiot. Simon wonders if RevCam really wants Simon to get married when he's only 19. RevCam says no, although the truth is he'd prefer that to Simon having sex. Which is what always annoyed me about the "saving ourselves for marriage" crew at my Catholic high school. Most of them got married straight out of high school. You want to impress me with your abstinence? Hold off until after college and you establish your career, and THEN get married. But don't act all pious about saving yourself when your summer-after-high-school-graduation-marriage more or less proves you just want to get on with the rutting like the rest of us do. RevCam blah blahs about Simon meeting someone he's crazy about, someone whose life complements his, and then after college they get married, and then they have sex. Simon just smiles and takes the cheque and thinks about scoring during Frosh Week. Dude, play some Cat Stevens at the Frosh Week coffeehouse, and your dance card will always be filled.
About five hours later, someone who was apparently listening to their conversation comes in, and says, "Yeah. That's exactly what my parents planned for me. Only it didn't quite work out that way." She's holding her belly, because she appears to be about fourteen months pregnant. "Leanne?" says RevCam, and she nods and shakes his hand. And since this episode features so many recycled plots, Simon goes all the way back to this series' very first episode and assumes that Leanne is not really pregnant but someone his dad cajoled into scaring Simon straight, and he says as much and storms on out of there. And RevCam doesn't even SAY anything, he just stands there while his idiot son insults this poor woman and stomps off.
Seeeeeventh Heaven...
The Aladdin special edition includes a song by Clay Aiken? Is Disney tired of people liking that movie?
So Simon is in the waiting room for some family counsellor, but instead of waiting for his presumed appointment, he's listening to a Discman or something and playing air guitar and bopping around. And the camera is tilted at a 45-degree angle and is all jerky and zoomy while this bland acoustic blues number plays over top of Simon's seizu-- I mean, "dancing." Viewers either stare, horrified, or glance away, embarrassed.
Simon's "rocking out" (as I imagine the director of this episode described what he wanted Simon to do to appear edgy and bad-ass) is interrupted by some gangly youngster. Simon turns his back upon seeing who it is and whispers, "Please just go away." Although, in view of what happens later in this episode, perhaps Simon was just presenting.
So Simon turns around, and the guy introduces himself as "Justin Smith," only Simon says he already knows. It's the brother of the guy Simon killed in that accident. "I'm probably the last person in the world you wanted to see today," says Simon, and Justin says that's not true, and all I can say is that if this guy wants more guest appearances on the show, maybe he could display at least an ounce of some recognizable, what's the word, emotion. "Shifty-eyed" doesn't count as an emotion. "It's true for me," says Simon, like, gee, Simon, I'm sure Justin's so sorry he RUINED YOUR DAY like this. And Simon babbles on about how he's been dreading this day ever since the accident, and Justin says he can imagine and says he should have called sooner to apologize for "all the threats" which he imagines must have freaked Simon out. Even worse! It led him down that dark road of premarital sex! "Maybe we could grab a cup of coffee sometime," says Justin, and Simon looks extremely confused but says okay. And then he says, "Are you for real?" and Justin says, "Straight up," and maybe the writers of this show should actually observe some teenagers once in a while to discover how they behave and talk instead of watching reruns of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and then Simon starts saying that he can't believe Justin is the same guy, because he looks so different (but "great"), and Justin says, he actually says this, "The loss of my brother saved my family, and me, and seems to have some purpose now." Yes! And Justin is now drug-free, and gets to go around speaking to schools, "about what seems like a harmless drug can end in death and the near-destruction of a family," and I don't know if I've heard anything so preposterous in my life. So in case you missed it, pot leads to death and the near-destruction of families, but Killer Camdens lead to tighter families, drug-free living, and meaningful speaking engagements. Maybe Simon could mow down Ruthie . "How you doin'?" says Justin, not in the Joey Tribbiani way (or is it?). And Simon, who didn't seem overly concerned with the fallout of his accident a moment ago, starts to stammer about how he's doing all right, but he can't drive by that corner anymore, and he freaks out whenever he passes someone on a bike, and how he doesn't ever think he'll be able to get back on a bike again, "aside from the fact that I'm in this relationship that can't be good, I'm..." like, maybe complain about your girl problems to the guy whose brother you killed, that's a great idea. And instead of poking Simon's beady little eyes out, Justin just says, "If you ever need anything, you know where I live," and walks out. Simon stomps around a little longer before knocking on the door for his own therapy session.
Back at RevCam's office, Leanne has two pieces of paper that she hands to RevCam and tells him to choose one. "I can't believe that after all I've been through, that I can't keep this baby, but I can't, so those are the two choices." RevCam says he'll meet with them and give her his opinion if that's what she wants -- as though it's ever mattered to RevCam whether someone wants his opinion or not -- but she should meet with them too. "No, I trust you," says Leanne, who met RevCam five minutes ago. He tries again and suggests that they meet the prospective parents together since they'll be raising her child, and she says that she doesn't want any part of it. "It's too painful for me. I can't do it." He tells her that if neither option works out, he'll refer her to a very reputable attorney who might have a little more experience than "just a guy you found off the Internet," all judgmental, like it's not standard practice now for businesses to have Web sites. Leanne thanks him and says she hopes one of the couples works out, like we're not supposed to have figured out already when this sorry plotline started up that this poor unfortunate single mother is going to be reunited with her loser baby daddy and they're going to be married and their unsupportive parents are going to come around and everything will be okay, because teen marriage solves all the problems created by teen pregnancy, right?
So Leanne takes her sorry plotline out the door, and in comes Lucy, who assumes the pregnant girl is one of RevCam's plots to scare Simon straight (no pun intended), and it must be really aggravating for RevCam that all his family members think he just uses members of the congregation for his own selfish ends. ["Considering how regularly he does exactly that, it's his own fault. I hate this goddamn show." -- Sars] And then RevCam explains the situation to Lucy, like maybe Leanne might not appreciate RevCam blabbing to everyone her very personal situation, like what kind of a joke reverend is RevCam anyway? And speaking of people too young to have children, Lucy is completely bummed out by the very thought of someone deciding to give her baby up for adoption, like that is some fairy-tale world Lucy lives in. RevCam hugs her and says, "I don't want to make you sad, you make me smile every time I see you," which I don't believe anyone has ever said to Lucy ever. And she says she got some paper back, and she "made an A," like maybe you might say, "I got an A" or "the professor gave me an A" but I can't say I've ever heard anyone say "I made an A" in my lifetime, not even back when people went around saying "straight up" to each other. And apparently her paper was "part of last week's sermon," whatever that means, and RevCam asks if she wants to do this week's sermon, and she says no but she's got her teen class soon, and RevCam points out she's a few hours early, and Lucy says she wants to "get used to the place," whatever that means, and, also, Kevin worked the night shift so now he's sleeping. And RevCam looks completely NOT thrilled that she came to the office to work on the teen class she teaches at HIS church, which totally belies his claim that she makes him smile whenever he sees her. And it suddenly occurs to her that maybe RevCam needs to use his office, and she asks him that, and he admits that he needs to do a few things, and so Lucy says brightly, "Then we'll share!" And she goes about making herself right at home while RevCam busies himself making faces.
Back at the CamPound, Ruthie comes strolling out of the house. And you know what? I'm just going to say it: I think Mackenzie whatever her name is will be quite pretty when she grows up. I know, I know; that's not what you figured I'd say. In fact, writing those words made me throw up in my mouth a little. But that's what I think. She still can't act; witness her very obviously waiting for her cue, the twirpings of a bird in distress. Witness her being out-acted by "Mr. Fluffy," the neighbours' cat suddenly prowling around, to whom she says, "No bird today." Mr. Fluffy is all, "Whatever!" and struts off, more than likely to chew on some iPod headphones, like one cat I know who will go back to the humane society like THAT if he isn't careful.
So Ruthie gathers up this gosling-looking bird and carries it back into the kitchen, and Annie gets all squealy about the cute bird, unlike my mom, who would have been shrieking and yelling at me to get the damn bird out of her kitchen. And incidentally, Annie doesn't even look like hell. Of course, the episodes I "guest"-recapped last year were towards the end of the season, so maybe the gruesome reality of working on this show naturally wears her down over the season. Anyway, she tells Ruthie to take the bird outside and find its nest. Ruthie says she has homework to do, which raises the question of why she was heading outside then. "So the bird dies because you have something better to do?" says an incredulous Annie, like I can't imagine my mom placing more importance on some dying rat-with-wings' well-being than on me doing my homework. Of course, in my household, there weren't all these potential life lessons lying around waiting to be learned, and nothing that possibly was meant to represent Jesus. Well, except for the crucifix. And the rosary. And that statue of Jesus.
The phone rings, and Annie, while throwing a knowing smile in the direction of Ruthie's annoying head, answers it. It's Harry. This is Aaron Carter? Aren't teen idols traditionally, you know, cute? Oh, wow. Place another case history in the Teen Heartthrob, Puberty Unkind To file. So Harry asks for Ruthie, and Annie offers to take a message, and Harry asks her to tell Ruthie that he's found another girlfriend. Annie, quite surprised, says she won't pass along such a message and Harry should tell Ruthie himself. I think Aaron Carter was going for "heartbroken" with his performance. Unfortunately, he took a major wrong turn and wound up at "bitchy drama queen."
Who knows? Maybe RevCam's mad faces were warranted, as the "work" Lucy's doing for her class appears to consist of ordering, on her cell phone, bumpers for her impending spawn's crib. However, she's not so loud that he needs to stick his knuckle in his ear while he speaks on the phone at his desk. Then he hangs up, and passive-aggressively sighs in her direction, and doesn't even have the balls to tell her to put a cork in it when she says "what?" And he packs up his stuff while she natters on about gingham and fairies and unicorns and stripes being "too masculine" whatever that means, and then as RevCam goes to leave, she actually asks him if she's too loud, and he lies and says she's not, but that it's a little distracting, so he's going to go work from his office at home -- which it suddenly occurs to him to offer to her. She declines, saying she has teenagers coming.
On his way out, he runs into Harry, who wants the RevCam to dump Ruthie for him. "Been there, done that," says RevCam, like way to joke about your daughter getting dumped, and he also tells Harry that that's a conversation he needs to have with Ruthie. Harry explains that there's other orphan girl his age at social services, and since no one's going to adopt them at this age, they're going to get married. For real? Straight up. RevCam asks if that's such a good idea, and Harry asks if staying in social services is any better. RevCam has no answer to that, not even, "If you're old enough to get married, you're already too old for social services, dimwit." Harry says, "I want a family. If I have to start one of my own, fine. If I can't have a mom and dad, I'll take a wife." "Take" a wife? Why settle for the orphan matchstick girl? Why, the fishmonger two villages over has a daughter of marrying age, and she comes with two cows! With Harry's job as apprentice at the blacksmithery, they'll be all set! "Which means I can't be Ruthie's boyfriend." Again, RevCam says nothing, not even, "You can't be Ruthie's boyfriend anyway because you are a mental case." Harry asks RevCam to tell Ruthie, since Harry doesn't have the "experience" or something like that, something that doesn't make any more sense than anything else this episode. Hey, maybe Harry can marry Leanne!
Speaking of which, here's Kevin vacuuming that vast garage apartment (even though Lucy said he was sleeping, but I suppose it's too much to ask the writers to keep track of little details like that, right?). Martin comes up, asks if Kevin's busy, and Kevin dryly says he is, and invites Martin to grab the mop and pitch in. So Martin asks if Kevin and Lucy "were together" before they got married, meaning did they do the rumpy-bumpy, and Kevin says no, that they waited. Martin wants to know if that was Lucy's idea or his. Kevin says it was a mutual thing (but he sounds a little testy about it). So Martin asks Kevin about women before he met Lucy, and Kevin wants to know what Martin is driving at (notice, though, he doesn't answer that last question). "What I'm getting at is maybe I'm not normal. Maybe I'm the only guy in the world who thinks he has to wait until he gets married." Oh, gag. So this episode is supposed to be, simultaneously, a warning about the dangers of premarital sex, as well as comfort to those teenagers who choose to wait, right? Kevin wisely declines to explain to Martin that he himself was banging cheerleaders two at a time when he was Martin's age, and instead asks what brought this on. Martin says he had a bad practice, and started thinking about how most guys are fooling around after school instead of knocking themselves out at practice and getting yelled at by some dumb coach. "You had a bad practice so now you think you'll completely abandon everything you believe in and go out and do something stupid?" says Kevin, like way to draw premarital sex in black and white, there, Kevin. "Yeah, it does sound kind of stupid when I think about," says Martin. It sounds stupid even without thinking about it too much. Kevin wants to know why Martin had a bad practice, because, oh yeah, Martin's this baseball god who's going to be in the majors, so if he had a bad practice, it must be for some reason. Martin says he saw that Harry "kid" with another girl, and that he's going to break Ruthie's heart. "I'll kill him!" says Kevin, and Martin says, "He's pretty tough." He ACTUALLY SAYS THIS about a guy who looks like he couldn't win a slap fight with Ruthie. "I'm a cop," Kevin reminds him, and Martin says that since Harry is in social services, he's not afraid of authority figures, like nice stereotyping, and Kevin stomps off to bully some little kid that Ruthie JUST MET, for God's sake, and despite being ordered by Kevin to "finish the floor," Martin decides to tag along.
Back at the CamPound, Ruthie's developed a new way of looking for something, one that involves sitting on her butt. RevCam strolls up and Ruthie whines that she can't find the nest, and she wants to take care of the bird, and RevCam offers to drop everything he's doing, like interviewing potential adoptive parents for a pregnant girl, to go down to the sporting goods store to buy some damn worms (which, we apparently need to be told, are used for fishing bait). And because RevCam can't resist sticking his nose in, he asks how things are going with Harry, and Ruthie says that she knows RevCam doesn't like Harry, but he's still a nice guy. RevCam submits that there are plenty of other nice guys at her school. "I'm sure there are. But this is the one I'm interested in. Sorry," says Ruthie, who then gets up and strolls back into the kitchen, and Annie is still in the exact same spot we left her in. "I couldn't find the nest, so I'm just going to have to take care of the bird myself," she tells Annie, who makes a big show of putting a cover over top of the cookies, like she's worried about this stupid sickly bird stealing her cookies. And Ruthie is doing that weird eyes-widening-and-narrowing-irregularly thing as she delivers her lines, which never fails to creep me out. Annie tells Ruthie that Harry called and wants to talk to her, so Ruthie says she'll call him. Fascinating! And the phone rings as Ruthie strolls off, and Annie is glaring and rolling her eyes, like what is with the level of general disrespect the characters have for each other on this show, and Annie answers the phone, and it's Leanne looking for RevCam, who Annie doesn't know is home yet (well, he was home, but he's now out buying stupid worms). Leanne brilliantly deduces that this is Mrs. Camden, and says "this is Leanne" and "I'm having my baby" and how perfect that Leanne assumes that RevCam blabbed her story to Annie already, even though he hasn't been home yet. And Leanne is calling from a hospital bed because she's gone into labour, and she doesn't know if she has two weeks or two days or two hours before the baby's born, so RevCam needs to find her baby a home RIGHT THIS SECOND. Annie looks distressed and does kind of a double-take to the phone to take us, blessedly, to commercial.
Really, is saying that this is Hilary Duff's "best film yet" really that much of an endorsement?
Over at Glenoak Hospital, Annie is by Leanne's bedside, telling her to breathe, like maybe they don't have nurses at this damn hospital. And here we go with the sob story about how this is nothing like Leanne dreamed having a baby would be (like, no shit), since her fantasy involved getting married (of course) and her mom being there to guide her through the pregnancy and blah blah blah, and Annie grimaces her way through it as Leanne says she hasn't seen her dad in years, and her mom threw her out when she found out Leanne was pregnant and told her she could come back home and get help for college if she gave up the baby. "I'm happy to be here with you, Leanne! I'll help you through this!" says Annie. And maybe Leanne has a sibling Simon could run over, and help bring that family closer together too! "It's better not to have dreams," says Leanne, "because --" Oh, look at that. The fast-forward button on my remote seems to be stuck. Pity. Anyway, Leanne decides that she's not giving up her baby (surprise!) and orders Annie to call RevCam (who she's suddenly calling "Eric").
Meanwhile, back at RevCam's office, Lucy's kept up the hard work by falling asleep on the couch. And this couple strolls in, sees the pregnant Lucy and of course assume this is Leanne, and wake her up, so they can gush at the prospect of adopting her baby. Naturally, Lucy is somehow unable to inform them that they've got the wrong teen mother, and then apparently just decides to GO WITH IT, and answer their questions, and at this point I almost put my foot through the television. "Any mental illness in the family?" asks the guy, and Lucy lies and says, "Right now there's none that I know of." Any drug or alcohol abuse, asks the dad, earning an indignant no from Lucy. He asks if she and the father happen to know what their IQs are. "No, but we both consider ourselves to be intelligent people," says Lucy, and I really can't believe how fast and loose she's playing with the truth here. The woman asks if she and the father have any special "skill sets" or any other natural abilities, like math or music or science (side note: can someone please explain to me when and why people started saying "skill set" instead of "skills"? Thanks so much). Since "being an annoying busybody" doesn't qualify as a natural talent, Lucy doesn't have an answer, but then starts asking questions of her own. "What if you knew that my baby had no special skills at all, was of average intelligence, and would grow up to be an average person who was kind and hard-working?" "Average intelligence"? In a Camden? Lucy might as well wonder what if her baby is born with seven fingers on each hand. The couple is at a loss, until the man says, "That would be something we'd have to think about." So Lucy kicks them out of the office and adds a "shame on you" for good measure.
And the phone rings, and it's RevCam saying he's not going to be able to make it back to the office, and he is just handing off the responsibility of interviewing prospective adopters to her (and yet he was quite disdainful of Leanne hiring some guy she "found on the internet"). Lucy explains that she's already met with one couple, and starts to bitch about them, but RevCam cuts her off by saying that if Lucy didn't think they were right, he trusts her. Whatever RevCam is on, I want some. He fills Lucy in on Leanne changing her mind, but he thinks they should still interview couples, since Lucy's change of heart might just be because of the stress of the delivery. RevCam doesn't say exactly why he can't make it back to the office, but we can assume it has to do with some emergency meddling he's got to do.
If Ruthie's stupid bird plot isn't already sad and annoying and useless enough, we have to add SamVid encouraging Ruthie to feed the stupid bird cereal because "it's delicious and nutritious" and Ruthie says the bird isn't eating as many worms as it was before, and SamVid says the bird looks different from when Ruthie first brought him in, even though they weren't there, and for crying out loud, Ruthie's had this stupid bird for about 20 minutes but that's long enough to notice a change in eating habits and appearance, noticeable enough for even SamVid to point it out. I'm really buying this. And Simon strolls in and says, "How's the bird?" as if Ruthie has been looking after this bird for anything longer than half an hour, and then he is saying goodbye because he's going to be leaving for college, and the twins can barely muster a goodbye but Ruthie gets all pissed off because she thinks Simon is kicking her "to the curb," like you have ever heard anyone use that expression outside of The Jenny Jones Show. And she gives one her patented Ruthie Wisdom lectures about Simon needing to be part of the family or some damn thing, like he's just GOING BACK TO COLLEGE, for Jesus' sake. And if this is the way she speaks to her brother who is just going off to college, it's no wonder Harry is scared to break up with her in person.
Lucy's meeting with the second couple, and she thankfully identifies herself this time. And what follows is one of the more aggravating scenes I've witnessed yet on this show, with the restaurant-owning couple talking a lot about how busy they are but they have a great nanny lined up, and it's not that they can't have their own baby, assures the husband in a truly sleazy manner, but just that this is easier and won't require the mother to be laid up in hospital, and the husband throws in that his wife "doesn't have to lose her figure," and the way the potential adopters are being portrayed on this show is really really really aggravating, since the majority of adoptive couples do so out of their own heartbreaking inability to have their own children or out of a genuine desire to provide a home to a child who doesn't have parents of their own, so I don't want to spend any more time on this insulting plotline than is absolutely necessary.
So now we're at social services, which looks kind of like a college residence, and Kevin and Martin have nothing better to do than harass Harry about dumping Ruthie, even though Harry says she'd dump him herself eventually. And then Harry's cell phone rings, and Martin is visibly surprised at the social services kid having a cell phone, and Harry says, "What? I borrowed it," and I guess this is supposed to be funny or something, and I'd really like to know who lent this kid a cell phone. Anyway, Ruthie's calling, because she's calling in reinforcements to help her with her stupid plotline, and Harry just passes her off to Kevin, and all the while the Ruthinator 3000 doesn't seem to be processing any thing that the humanoid she knows as "Harry" is saying, because her face remains completely blank the whole time. Ruthie asks Kevin why they're talking to Harry, and he says he'll explain later. She says she's trying to take care of a bird, but she thinks it's dying. Kevin looks as perplexed as I feel.
RevCam is really in Meddling Overdrive, as he's managed to find the home of Charlie, the boy who knocked up Leanne, and RevCam and Charlie speak outside so his parents won't hear. "Where is she?" wonders Kevin, and I guess we're going to find out that Leanne's mother cut off contact, even though Leanne was kicked out of the house, like these two are able to sneak off somewhere to have sex, but in this age of cell phones, email and text and instant messaging, he has no idea where she is. Riiiiiight. So RevCam tells Charlie he's going to be a father and fills him in on Leanne wanting to give the baby up for adoption and then going into labour and changing her mind. And she wants Charlie there. "Wow. I kind of knew, but I didn't," says Charlie. Man. Fast-forward a couple of years when Charlie's kid dies because he didn't take it to the doctor. "Wow," says the befuddled bereaved father. "I kind of knew the kid was sick, but I didn't." So RevCam is urging Charlie to come to the hospital, but Charlie decides he has to tell his parents, which impresses RevCam (and I guess this is how we're supposed to accept that Charlie is mature enough now to raise a family), who offers to help him break the news. "Just one thing: take a little more time than you did with me before breaking it to them. I don't want to have to call the paramedics," says Charlie, like who has time for jokes when his baby momma is in labour? Commercials.
So now the Camdens have gone all Wild Kingdom on this stupid bird; in the kitchen gathered around the stupid box where Ruthie has the stupid bird are SamVid, Martin, Kevin, Harry, and Ruthie. And SamVid says something about seeing spots on the bird, which Harry disagrees with, but he says the bird is losing feathers, and Martin says the baby bird just doesn't have all its feathers yet, and Harry snaps all bitchy, "Okay, Mr. Vet," like such a bad-ass this kid is, no wonder he's always in detention. And Ruthie says she thinks the bird is getting weak, and I guess she would be able to notice diminishing strength in a sick baby bird that she's had for about an hour. And Lucy comes in, and can I just ask what happened to her teen class -- I mean, why go to all the trouble of setting that up if it's going to be completely disregarded like this -- and she asks what's going on. "I think this bird is getting worse," says Ruthie, and this somehow explains everything to Lucy, who was at RevCam's office while all this was happening, and she expresses sympathy and actually hugs Ruthie, who is doing her best to be all upset over this dying vermin in their house, and I AM NOT BUYING ANY OF THIS. And meanwhile, Kevin's on the phone and he says that the recording says that the "Wildlife Rescue Station" is open, and he suggests they go, and then there is this really weird extended splitting up of the group, and Kevin and Martin and Harry are going to the so-called Wildlife Rescue Station, while Lucy has to stick around in case her parents "need" her, as if, so she suggests Ruthie go with the boys but Ruthie says she's looking after SamVid and Lucy won't be able to take the twins with her to the hospital and Martin smirks knowingly about something and I have no idea why all this over-detailed explanation is necessary.
Back at Glenoak Hospital, Annie is on the telephone harassing Leanne's mother, telling her how hard this all is for Leanne, being all alone. "Yes, I'm here, but I'm not her mother," says Annie, who then hangs up in disgust, because I guess Leanne's mom hung up on her, which I imagine must happen to Annie a lot. So Annie sadly trudges back over to Leanne's hospital bed, and Leanne brilliantly deduces that her mom isn't coming, despite Annie's optimism that she'll change her mind. And now Leanne is second-guessing keeping the baby again, and blah blah blah, and Annie tells her that RevCam is with Charlie right now, and Leanne thinks that that was another mistake, and wonders why Annie even bothered listening to her: "Don't you know that I'm a stupid girl who makes a lot of stupid mistakes?" And Annie hugs her, and I mean, that's your answer right there, isn't it? A stupid girl who makes stupid mistakes? Are we sure Annie isn't Leanne's mother? And then Annie starts in with the "everything is part of God's plan" nonsense, and I had to go lie down, because the reason appears to be that God doesn't think there are enough brats born into poverty to unemployed, uneducated teenage parents. Where does Annie get off promising that everything's going to be okay?
And here's a reason to make sure your idiot teenage son doesn't knock up his girlfriend: you face the very real threat of getting the business end of a lecture from RevCam, who is telling Charlie's parents that they are way past the "could haves" and the "should haves" and Leanne is in labour, and we learn that Charlie gets his boneheaded indecision from his parents, who apparently suspected that Leanne might be pregnant. But they didn't do anything about it. And Charlie's mom whines about Leanne not sticking to her original plan of giving the baby up for adoption instead of turning their family "inside out," and I'd again like to suggest the "Simon kills a kid" method of family improvement. Anyway, the mom bitches some more about how Charlie has a good future ahead of him that doesn't have to include Leanne, and Charlie, who I guess we're supposed to believe has matured into father material just like that, wants to know what kind of future his kid can expect without his father there (don't forget: all people who want to adopt children are lazy, greedy, narcissistic and materialistic, so that's not an option ["and also, single mothers ruin children's lives -- I super-extra-hate this goddamn show" -- Sars]). And then Charlie's dad is all "Thanks a lot!" sarcastic to RevCam for dropping this in their laps, and I realize that while many problems in Glenoak are RevCam's fault, I can't really blame this one on him, as much as I'd like to. "Would you want someone to do this to you if your son did the same thing?" says Charlie's dad, which completely sets up RevCam so he can say yes in the weird, halting delivery he has, that "I know this is difficult and I'm not saying I have all the answers but you know the right thing to do" annoying tone of voice of his. And so of course the parents start talking about how long they've known Leanne because she and Charlie have been together since "third grade" and I have to say that if they've been together nine years then they're probably lucky it took her until now to get pregnant. "She was a part of the family," says Charlie's dad, and RevCam says, "And now?" And before they can answer His Holiness, he hits them right where it hurts by pointing out that their grandchild is about to be born, and Charlie's mom and dad look at each other.
Over at the I-can't-believe-how-much-time-they're-wasting-on-this-stupid-plotline so-called "Wildlife Rescue Station" (they don't have vets in Glenoak?), the three stooges (Surly, Dummy, and Bitchy -- you decide who's who) are getting dressed down by the, um, wildlife rescue expert or whatever, who, instead of laughing at them for wasting the station's time with a sickly little bird, wants to know what they've been feeding it. "Worms and water," says Kevin, all "duh!" And Mr. Wildlife Rescuer is all, "Oh, great. Don't tell me you bought the worms," and Martin says they came from a sporting goods store, and Mr. Wildlife Rescuer says store worms have parasites. "Perfect way to kill a baby bird," he says, and Kevin and Harry get all defensive about Ruthie, like you'd think she was facing criminal charges the way they react, for God's sake. Harry wants to know why birds are always eating worms in cartoons then, and how it is that nobody punched him for asking such a stupid question is beyond me, and you'd think that if anyone didn't believe in the fairy-tale world of cartoons, it just might be the orphan juvenile delinquent. And Mr. Wildlife Rescuer actually HAS A PAMPHLET that he gives Harry and tells him to settle down, like this is now a public service announcement and we're to believe that this so-called Wildlife Rescue Station has pamphlets at the ready to hand out to people who want to know more about nursing baby birds back to health. And Mr. Wildlife Rescuer says that since Ruthie hasn't been poisoning the damn bird for more than a day, so they should be able to save it. And you can see the relief just written over all the boys' faces. And everybody shakes hands, like what a special moment this is, and then Mr. Wildlife Rescuer goes and hits them up for a donation. Kevin kind of grunts at this, because it's not like the bird's so important that he's willing to throw in a couple of bucks. Tightwad. This is a guy who prefers living in his in-laws' garage to buying a damn house for his wife with all the money he supposedly has.
Simon pulls his car over to the side of the road, where Justin is waiting for him on a bicycle, with another bicycle and a helmet for him. And he gets out of the car. And he and Justin throw smouldering looks at each other. And then they go on the gayest bike ride ever. And that's really all you need to know about that.
Back at the hospital, Charlie has arrived at Leanne's hotel room. And Annie is greatly relieved, and as the young teenagers-who-love-each-other-so-everything-will-be-just-fine whatever, Annie excuses herself, and then goes RUNNING down the hall. What the hell? Maybe she really REALLY needs to use the bathroom. Commercials.
Is there anybody who doesn't find Mr. Wendy, the unofficial spokesman, incredibly annoying? I'll never understand why companies use purposely irritating pitchmen for their commercials. If Dave Thomas were alive, I'd punch him. Seriously, I would. Right in the gut. 7th Heaven brings all my worst impulses to the fore.
Oh, here's why Annie went running: so she could visit Leanne's mom, and we get to see the exact same scene as we just saw with RevCam and Charlie's parents. "I want Leanne to give the baby up for adoption!" says Leanne's mom, and when Annie says she doesn't think that's going to happen, Leanne's mom shrugs and says it's her choice. Annie blah blahs about how her seven children don't always do what she wants, but it's when they don't do what their parents want that they need their parents the most, or some such, and Leanne's mom says she was never a good mother and that Leanne practically raised herself, and...oh, oops. There goes that fast-forward button again. I really should get that fixed.
Back at the CamPound, Ruthie and Lucy are setting the table for all of the Camdens who aren't actually there, and the only two who are actually at home, SamVid, they're not even looking after, like they're supposed to. SamVid's probably floating face down in the bathtub right at this moment. Ruthie wonders what it would be like to be having a baby and not be married, and Lucy says, "Well, you're never going to find that out," like nice supportive, reassuring thing to say. And then Ruthie wonders if Harry is too "troubled" for her, and I would like to ask if anyone writing this show has ever actually spoken to or seen a real-live teenager before, because the dialogue doesn't reflect it. And Ruthie all of a sudden decides that she and Harry should just be friends, only she wants Lucy to tell Harry that, like what is up with the general shirking of responsibility on this episode? And Lucy smiles because talking to Ruthie about boys reminds her of when she and Mary used to talk about boys. That would be before Mary's excommunication, I guess.
And here comes Simon, home from his Big Gay Bike Ride, who despite telling everybody goodbye throughout the whole damn episode STILL has not left for his college that apparently doesn't start classes until October, and he says he was taking care of some unfinished business, and Ruthie wants him to dump Harry for her, and I really really REALLY don't get why they keep doing that. And Simon has brought home Chinese food, and it sure was nice of him to call ahead and make sure his mother wasn't already preparing food. Then again, perhaps he's been in the family long enough to know that his mother is likely on any given night to be too busy telling other people how to raise their children to actually look after her own. And in comes SamVid now, who is apparently starving thanks to Annie's neglect, and one of them raises his arms and says, "Food, glowious food!" and Lucy's pumpkin head makes her jack-o-lantern smile that always makes my blood run cold even as we're supposed to be aware that this is a funny and touching moment.
And back at the hospital, Charlie's parents and Leanne's mom are standing at the doorway of Leanne's room, and she doesn't seem to be in labour anymore. And Charlie's dad tells Leanne's mom that he thinks the lovebirds are getting married, which he thinks is the right thing to do, because "with a baby, Charlie and Leanne will be tied together forever," and he's all in favour of this now, and while he's at the hospital maybe he can get himself treated for his bipolar mood disorder. And Charlie's mom has come around because of course she and her husband weren't much older when they got married, and things worked out fine. Oh, but it was the same for Leanne's mom and dad, but that didn't turn out fine! "But it can work out," says Charlie's dad, and I really really really have to take issue with the way this show presents the consequences of teen pregnancy as more or less a toss-up, when all the statistics paint a pretty bleak picture in terms of economic, social, developmental factors et cetera. And it's also a mixed message that this show is sending, like you have Lucy telling Ruthie that she's never going to be pregnant and not married, but then the lesson learned here seems to be that should the apparently absolutely unthinkable did happen and you got pregnant, just marry the teenage father because then everything will be just fine. So Leanne's mom reluctantly comes around and the three soon-to-be grandparents enter the room, all the better to shower love and unconditional support upon their idiot procreating spawn. RevCam and Annie, all proud of themselves for setting the young couple up for years of unfulfilled dreams (not to mention depriving a responsible, childless couple of a baby), stroll away.
Meanwhile, back at the CamPound, the three stooges inform everyone that the bird's going to be just fine, and Ruthie weirdly thanks them for taking the bird to the "Wildlife Rescue Station," like maybe Kevin might have forgotten where they just were. And after about five hours, SamVid sees the frantically gesturing crew member off-camera giving them their cue, and they start cheering. And Harry saved the shoebox so Ruthie would have something to remember the bird by. Yeah. You can just imagine Ruthie reminiscing about that time when she had a bird for a couple of hours and almost killed it. And Harry takes Ruthie outside to dump her. Only, they both say, at the same time (or as close to the same time as their rehearsal time allowed them), "I think we should just be friends." And they're both glad they feel the same way, and then they hug, or maybe that should be "hug," since that has to be the most awkward screen hug I've ever seen, like imagine Lurch hugging Wednesday Addams, but with less emotion, and you pretty much have an idea of what that looked like. And then they don't explain why they feel this way, and thankfully Harry doesn't outline his marriage plan, and he says he has to go catch his bus, and Ruthie says she'll get someone to give him a ride, and then Martin is all strolling out the door, and if you ask me, Martin seems to have some kind of weird fixation on Ruthie. And he asks if she's all right, like how long were Ruthie and Harry supposed to have been dating anyway? And Ruthie's figured out that Kevin and Harry went to social services to stop Harry from breaking up with Ruthie, which she appears to think is sweet, and not weird. And he agrees to take Harry home, and Harry says it hopefully won't be his home for much longer. Martin says that's great, because the place was kind of "terrifying," which is a pretty obnoxious thing to say, and in any case not at all supported by the brief scene we saw of the three stooges at the university-dorm-esque "social services" but Martin's talking like they were dodging bullets the whole time.
And Harry and Martin stroll away, with Martin apologizing for not being more sympathetic to Harry's situation, and Harry says it's okay: "I faced my fears long ago. I had to," WHATEVER THAT MEANS, like, HURRY UP AND GET OFF THE SHOW, AARON CARTER. And here come RevCam and Annie up the walk, and they ask if Martin is being "conned" into breaking up with Ruthie, and Martin fills them in on how everything has worked out just perfectly for everyone, and the bird is fine. "Oh, that's good news," says Annie, but I swear she was being sarcastic. And no, Harry's not getting married. Want to know why? "I figure that if God would go that much trouble for a bird, surely he'll find a home for me." And how cool would it have been for RevCam to say, "Don't call me Shirley"?
In the house, the brats couldn't even wait before their parents got home before they started stuffing their faces. And SamVid says that Simon "made" dinner, and then corrects that to "The Chinese made dinnew," and "We love the Chinese!" and there is only so much I can take before I shoot somebody. And the CamRents fill in the kids about how Leanne and Charlie are doing, even though Simon and Kevin and Harry and SamVid don't have any idea who Lucy and Charlie are. And just when you think the kids are just going to silently contemplate this, Lucy gives a stupid little speech about how much she loves her husband and how glad she is that she's surrounded by family. "I hope you remember that when you go back to school," she says to Simon, who is really getting kind of picked on this episode. And the phone rings. And remember how irritated RevCam was at the beginning of the episode when Mrs. Lahey put her son on the phone? Funny how he seems to think it's cute when SamVid answers the phone with a "Camden residence" in unison. And then they say goodbye and hang up and come back to the table and tell everyone, "They said to tell evewyone it's a boy! A healthy boy! The mommy's fine!" And RevCam proposes a toast to life and they all clink their water glasses. And Sara M owes me BIG-time, like at the rate she's going, Sara M better be prepared to just fork over her first-born child.