We open with a song. Like, a real song. Not some crap guitar strumming exercise, for once. Although this really isn't any better: it's "Coal Miner's Daughter," as sung by Beverley Mitchell, Future International Country Sensation. I know Brenda's still smarting over the significant loss (snicker) of Asslee, but why promote Beverley Mitchell as 7th Heaven's newest singing talent when they've got a whole teaspoonful of it in Mr. Stephen Collins? Anyway, Lucy is putting little baby clothes on a clothesline as the camera pulls back to reveal that she has, like, fifteen kids. And they're all blonde and blue-eyed. Hey, who says blonde hair and blue eyes are recessive genes? This is the show that brought us Ruthie the Genetically Impossible.
And just in case you thought that Lucy had given birth to fifteen children since last week (which is not an unreasonable assumption, giving this show's penchant for using the Continuity Bible only when they're out of toilet paper), it turns out that it was all a dream. Kevin's dream, apparently, as he's now groaning and turning over in bed. This wakes Lucy the Light Sleeper and she asks Kevin if he's okay; he looked like he was having a nightmare. Hell yeah, he was having a nightmare. And it's not cool that he shared it with us. My dreams traditionally stay Camden-free (except for a sex dream I had which featured RevCam. I now keep a small container of bleach on my bedside table, lest this happen again), and I'm much happier that way. Kevin says he's fine, and Lucy orders him to get her some steak and eggs. Does being pregnant make you unable to cook your own damn self?
This week's Opening Credits Timewaster is comparatively thrilling: RevCam cracks some eggs in a frying pan. Then he makes toast. Then he butters the toast. Then he goes back to the eggs, which have finished cooking -- not to mention scrambled themselves -- in less than a minute. RevCam's throwing them all onto plates as Simon comes downstairs. He rejects RevCam's offer of a hearty breakfast, choosing an individual bottle of juice instead. Simon snaps at RevCam for making him breakfast before his therapist appointment, like, at least he isn't ordering four breakfasts and making you pay for them like he did last episode, so show some appreciation, Simon. Simon reminds RevCam that just because he's going to a therapist doesn't mean he'll change his mind about anything. "I'm just happy to see you making an effort to see things my way," says RevCam. "Dad…" Simon says warningly. "Just kidding! Kind of," says RevCam. Oh good, another episode full of RevCam the Control Freak. Simon tells RevCam that his therapy is confidential. Silly Simon -- therapy's only confidential if your therapist isn't on your father's payroll. RevCam asks Simon about Georgia, since I guess he's got the hots for her now that Asslee's gone. Simon reports that he and Georgia broke up. "I'm sorry. I guess," says RevCam. Simon leaves in a justified huff.
Ruthie comes downstairs, and I guess she woke up late this morning because she didn't have enough time to iron out her curls. They look nice, by the way. She wants to talk to RevCam about a "really nice" guy she met in detention. But, she says, "everyone thinks he's a bad guy just because he goes to detention." Wait, is this high school we're talking about? Where getting detention actually makes you kind of cool? Ruthie says everyone thinks that she's a "bad girl" too, because of her detention and because of her many brothers and sisters. Yeah, I'll bet people are still talking about that Mary Camden and the time she assaulted the gym with toilet paper, leaving it unusable for whole minutes. RevCam asks Ruthie what she's trying to tell him. "I think I'm ready to date," she says. RevCam "humorously" almost drops his coffee cup. Too bad there was nothing in the coffee cup; I would have loved to see some boiling hot liquid come in contact with his crotch. And why is he so horrified? Wasn't Ruthie dating Peter all of last season? Didn't he go on vacation with them, and sleep over their house? Perhaps it was all a dream. RevCam offers Ruthie a brown-bag lunch, but she rejects it, saying she'll be buying lunch with her new detention buddy, Harry. Ruthie goes outside to wait for Martin.
Martin comes downstairs with the twins. He looks way too proud of himself as he explains that he got the twins dressed today. Well, thank god someone did, otherwise they'd be going to school wearing seven pairs of underwear and cheese. Because Martin likes baseball, he has put the twins in matching baseball-y outfits. Vid says they want to be baseball players when they grow up. "Or pweachewewewes," says Sam. Yeah, uh, Sam? It turns out that to be a "preacher," you need to learn how to talk. Work on that. Off-camera. RevCam says they can be anything they want. Like a Famous People Player. SamVid say that in that case, they want to be baseball players, not preachers. Burn on you, Rev. As well as rejecting his occupation, the twins reject his offer of brown bag lunches, saying that Annie gave them money to buy today. What? Doesn't kindergarten run in half-days, meaning that, while the snacks are plentiful, there is no lunch? When I was in kindergarten, the one and only time we got to buy lunch was on Olympic Day, when they served pizza. Which was delicious, especially since it was covered with the greatest topping of all: victory. That's right: Team Red won the gold medal that year. We kicked ass in the tire obstacle course and we took no prisoners in the Medicine Ball Toss.
But back to the show. RevCam stammers that he made lunches because he thought Annie forgot to. "That was wrong thinking," Sam says, like, it must be a real thrill for him to say that to someone else when he no doubt hears it directed towards him so often. "You were incorrect," says Vid, who then adds a snippy little "bye," and SamVid take off. Damn, RevCam: you got told by retarded five-year-olds. Martin asks RevCam if he's okay, and RevCam says he's still reeling from Ruthie's revelation that she wants to date. Martin knows all about Harry, and has seen him with Ruthie in school. "And I don't like what I see," says Martin, adding that he doesn't think Harry is "good enough" for Ruthie. Whereas the kid who steals apples and buys tampons is. Martin would like to "keep an eye on the situation," if RevCam doesn't mind. Of course, RevCam is thrilled with the idea, as long as Martin doesn't use any of his favorite stalking bushes or the crow's nest he built in one of the trees along the Promenade. RevCam offers Martin a lunch, but Martin turns it down because RevCam's lunches suck compared to Annie's. And just what pressing issue took Annie away from making the lunches? Perhaps there was a dust bunny riot in the linen closet.
Kevin is spending his morning sneaking glances at Lucy. Finally, Lucy asks him what he wants. He asks her how her work at the church is going. Lucy says she's putting the class together. She plans on teaching more than abstinence, because she thinks that all an abstinence class entails is telling kids not to have sex. "You need to tell them more than once; they may not hear it the first time," says Kevin. Shut up, Kevin. Kevin brings up the "how many kids do we want?" subject with Lucy. She says she has no idea how many kids she wants; she figures they'll just see how it goes with the first one. "Good idea," says Kevin. I guess that "conflict" has been resolved. Lucy asks Kevin if he's okay to go to work; he didn't sleep well last night and he's acting "nutty." Kevin says he is fine, and anyway, Lucy needs to apartment to herself so she can do her work. "I love how you always support me in everything I do," says Lucy. Uh, no, Lucy, he just wants to get away from you.
Annie's back in action, talking to RevCam about the twins' cute baseball outfits, which I can only assume she saw from the vantage point of her bed, which she was lying in all morning instead of making lunches. RevCam's all bummed out, though, because Ruthie wants to date. Annie knows all about it, and says Harry sounds like a nice guy. RevCam reminds her that Harry was in detention, so surely he's evil. Annie says that Ruthie is in detention, too, to which RevCam says that some kids are in detention "for a reason," like, sexual harassment isn't a reason? RevCam also thinks that Ruthie is too young to date. Was he awake during the last season? Maybe he thought Peter was one of Ruthie's girlfriends, and that's why he always got to sleep over. Annie reminds RevCam that Ruthie is "going to be fifteen" (damn, really? Someone needs to get that girl some growth hormones!) and that they let Lucy date when she was thirteen.
And now onto the subject of Simon. Annie begs her husband not to piss off Simon, saying that Simon talking to a therapist is enough for right now. She says that they should wait for Simon to be ready to talk to them. RevCam asks what they're supposed to do if Simon's never ready. Then I guess he'll be like Mary. Or, hell, Matt, who still hasn't told you his real wedding date. Annie says that Simon needs to solve his own problems, and that they should be there for him only if he needs them. Whaaaa? I guess Annie couldn't make lunches this morning because she was busy reading a parenting book. "Do you actually believe anything you're saying?" asks RevCam. "Not yet," says Annie. But there's still hope.
Ruthie's at her locker when a blond guy comes up behind her and kisses her on the cheek. Meet Harry, a.k.a. Aaron Carter, a.k.a. Guy Whose Non-Hit Single "Not Too Young, Not Too Old" Was In Heavy Blockbuster TV Rotation When I Used To Work There, And It Played Seven Times A Day, Every Day, For Like Three Months And I Wanted To Kill Myself. Ruthie turns around and snaps at Harry that she'll let him know when he's allowed to kiss her. Wow, she's almost like a real Camden! Martin walks up and says that he'll let the kid know when Ruthie can be kissed. Wow, he's almost like a real Camden too! Maybe they've been taking lessons together. They can share the workbook Robbie left behind. Martin tells Harry, who's politely trying to introduce himself, to leave. Harry tells Ruthie he'll see her later, and takes off. Run, Harry, run! Run to the principal's office and switch schools! "We need to talk," Martin says to Ruthie. Guess what? Ruthie doesn't want to talk. She tells Martin that what Harry did was "just a kiss." "A kiss you didn't want, right?" asks Martin. Yeah, Harry totally raped Ruthie's cheek. Shut up, Martin. Ruthie says she can handle it. Martin says that the fact that Ruthie met Harry in detention should tell her something. That detention is a good place to meet people? Ruthie says that all it tells her is that Harry, like her, made a mistake. She slams her locker door and leaves.
Simon starts therapy off right by telling Dr. Gibson that's he lost weight. Dr. Gibson says that he's single again, so he has to look good for all the ladies. Maybe if he had put that effort into losing weight when he was married, he wouldn't have gotten divorced. I'm just saying. Dr. Gibson asks Simon what he's doing there, since I guess he wasn't aware they had an appointment. Simon says that he doesn't have a real reason to be there except that his parents just found out that he's "close" with a woman, and they won't pay for school unless he sees a therapist. "You're having sex," says Dr. Gibson. Simon says that he is, but it's fine with him; his parents are the ones with the problem. He asks if he can leave, and Dr. Gibson says he can. Thrilled, Simon leaves.
RevCam enters the Treehouse of Lurv without knocking (it's like he wants to walk in on his daughter having sex -- come to think of it, he probably does. And I don't want to think about it anymore) and sees Lucy sitting at the kitchen table. Way to be in class, there, little Miss I'msobusy. RevCam asks Lucy if she wouldn't mind giving this Sunday's sermon. Yeah, that should be a real thrill for those poor parishioners, especially if Lucy's pants fall down in mid-preach. Although they have no one to blame but themselves. They should all be at the Chapel of Renewed Faith, where the real action is. Lucy says she can handle it. But when RevCam leaves, she looks annoyed.
RevCam enters the backyard, only to find the state of Georgia, capitol: WHOREcity. She's there to bring Lucy some pamphlets for her class. "I think it's great that you're trying to stop the mass exodus of teens from your church," Georgia tells RevCam, "so, will there be a whole series, or just the one class that tells everyone not to have sex?" Preach it, Georgia! RevCam tells Georgia that she's welcome to attend the class and find out herself. Georgia says she might go with Simon, and asks where he is. RevCam tattles that Simon said that they broke up. Georgia laughs at this and says that RevCam must have misunderstood him. She leaves, her ugly poofy satin jacket billowing in the breeze. RevCam makes a constipated face as the Clarinets of Georgia is Really Awesome play us to commercial.
RevCam enters the house and starts bumping into things. Martin closes the surprisingly bare (up until last week, it was covered in layers of pictures and letter magnets) refrigerator door and asks what's up. RevCam says he just saw Ruthie driving around in a "convertible" with an unknown boy. Well, it certainly isn't Peter. Peter would probably wet himself if he saw a convertible, let alone drive one. Also, I'd like to point out that this show doesn't even have the budget to show Harry and Ruthie driving in said convertible. Pathetic. RevCam starts yelling at Martin for not keeping a good enough eye on Ruthie, like, be a little more understanding, RevCam. It takes time and practice to stalk as well as you.
Simon comes back in Dr. Gibson's office and says his last session didn't help him. Then he acts all paranoid and hyper, saying that his having sex doesn't have anything to do with the accident, which he doesn't think about anymore, thank you very much. Dr. Gibson says he has the rest of the afternoon free. Well, that's convenient. Not to mention unlike any doctor's office I've ever seen.
RevCam enters the Treehouse, again uninvited, and finds Lucy sleeping on the bed. He offers her some freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, but Lucy senses an ulterior motive and tells RevCam that she doesn't need help on her sermon. I guess she's using the time-honored "dream one up" method. For the sake of the congregation, I hope her dreams are more exciting than her husband's.
Ruthie chows down on a plate full of cookies, like, eat some vegetables. Maybe they'll help you grow. RevCam enters and tells Ruthie that they need to talk. He starts in with saying how Ruthie doesn't have permission to date Harry, and then there's a knock on the door. It's Harry, returning a jacket Ruthie left in his car. RevCam doesn't even pick up on the fact that Ruthie removed an article of clothing when she was in the car with Harry, because he's too busy trying to look intimidating. Which, of course, he fails miserably at. Harry humors him, though, and asks him how he manages to sound both friendly and unfriendly at the same time. I'll bet it has something to do with being a two-faced hypocrite. RevCam invites Harry in, and says he wants to talk to him alone. Harry is led away, looking like a deer caught in headlights. RevCam orders Ruthie to take some more cookies up to Lucy, who needs her strength. Are those cookies fortified with iron or something? RevCam says that Lucy's eating for two now, to which Ruthie responds that Lucy is eating "for a family of five and two dogs." Huh? She's pregnant with triplets? And dogs? Well, she is giving birth during sweeps.
RevCam asks Harry what he's in detention for. Harry says he parked his car in a teacher's spot. The spot was unoccupied because he and his friends moved the teacher's car. It was easy to move because the teacher drove a Mini Cooper. Harry giggles to himself over how funny his prank was, then says it was wrong. RevCam asks Harry if that convertible is his; Harry says he borrowed it from a friend. RevCam tells Harry that he isn't comfortable with the idea of Harry and Ruthie (and then he takes an exaggerated gulp, like, were you ever able to do the nuance thing, Stephen Collins?) dating. Harry asks if the fact that he's "under the care of Social Services" would make RevCam change his mind. Social Services? Are we going to see that awesome lady again? I hope so! RevCam has no answer to Harry's questions. Harry says he lives in a "county facility," so he needs "a laugh every now and then." Oh, I guess that makes it totally okay for him to misbehave, and makes him great boyfriend material.
Ruthie asks Lucy about her upcoming class, but Lucy says she isn't "comfortable" talking to Ruthie about it. What a freaking prude Lucy is. I bet she and Kevin have sex in the dark with their clothes on. Ruthie points out that she's in Lucy's target audience, and, according to one of Georgia's pamphlets, she's "way behind the national curve." Of growing? Most definitely. Of having sex? Ennhhh…I don't know about that. Lucy insists that she can't talk to Ruthie about this, and Ruthie tells her to get over that before she gives her sermon. "Why are you here?" Lucy asks exasperatedly. Heh. I'll bet Ruthie hears that a lot.
Annie brings SamVid home, where they are asked by RevCam (apparently he's finished his talk with Harry) if their playdate was at a girl's house or a boy's house. SamVid emphatically (well, for them) state that they don't like girls. For this, they are rewarded with cookies. RevCam's gonna be real sorry when they turn out gay.
The twins leave and RevCam tells Annie he has reservations about Harry, but Annie disagrees with him. So RevCam changes the subject to Simon and Georgia, and how they're still together, meaning that Simon lied to RevCam. "Maybe that's our fault," suggests Annie, who then goes on to say that maybe Simon lied because he didn't feel like he could tell them the truth. Then she says it's their responsibility to make Simon feel like he can tell them anything. "You're really working on this new attitude, aren't you?" RevCam says. "One of us has to," says Annie. Damn straight. RevCam says he's "not quite ready" to be an understanding and caring father. You would think he'd have been ready when his first child was born, but I guess RevCam's a slow learner. Maybe that's where SamVid get it from.
Dr. Gibson asks Simon if sex is fun. "Sure," says Simon, adding that "you don't have to be in love to have sex." Dr. Gibson says that "healthy" sexual relationships are based on love. Yeah, well, Dr. Gibson is also divorced, so take that advice with a grain of salt, okay, Simon? Dr. Gibson asks Simon how he got put on disciplinary probation. Simon says he missed some classes, but he still got straight As. Dr. Gibson asks if classes were boring, and what Simon thought about when he was bored. Simon says he wanted to be with someone who didn't make him think all the time. And just why exactly did he leave Glenoak? Seems like there are plenty of people around there who one can interact with without having to use any brain cells. Dr. Gibson says some crap about inner voices, and then Simon says that his inner voice was telling him that he was going to Hell for killing PaulSmith, so he might as well enjoy the ride down there. "I committed the greatest sin that there is," Simon says, "so it doesn't matter what I do any more." And this might be a problem with organized religion. Too bad we won't hear RevCam's answer to it. Simon asks Dr. Gibson if he could be having sex with a beautiful woman (uh…are we talking about the same Georgia here?), or thinking about a fatal car accident, which one would he choose? And then Simon realizes that he was having sex so he wouldn't have to think about the accident. "Because I thought I was no good," Simon says. Because no good people have sex. He starts crying and asks Dr. Gibson if he's insane. Dr. Gibson says he isn't. The rest of his family is another story. And yeah, while it's all well and good that Brenda's trying to make her show more relevant by having one of its characters have premarital sex, it really sucks that there has to be this car accident string attached to it. But I guess it would have been just too hard for Brenda to write a storyline where someone does something "wrong" because they want to and it's fun. It's much easier to write incredibly convoluted and just plain stupid stories about people who get married after a first date, or engaged at age eighteen on their second date, or whatever other stupid shit the "good" Camdens do. Surely more of the viewing audience can identify with that more than they can with having premarital sex. But let's end this on a good note: David Gallagher did a good job with this scene. I would be glad he's back, but really, I just feel sorry for him. He can do better.
Nighttime at the CamPound! Lucy walks into her father's office and asks for help with her sermon. She doesn't know how to start. "Just look in the mirror," her father says. Wasn't he begging her to ask him for help? And then he just spits some generic "look within yourself" platitude when she finally does? I hate him. By the way, the title of Lucy's sermon shall be: "God Gave Me a Pumpkinface, But My Wardrobe is K-Mart's Fault."
Georgia finds Simon on the Promenade and starts making out with him. He breaks it off and says they need to talk. Georgia asks Simon if he's breaking up with her again. "You broke up with me," Simon says. "Oh. Right," says Georgia, because people who enjoy premarital sex are stupid as well as morally bankrupt. Simon tells Georgia that he never should have been with her in the first place. Just let her down gently, there, Romeo. He continues by saying that he's sorry, but he doesn't think he's in love with her. "That's okay!" says Georgia, adding that she's not in love with Simon either, but maybe they can be in love, like, later. Or maybe, and here's a novel idea, they could be in a relationship where they enjoy being together but aren't in love and know it won't be long-term. Simon says that he has some things going on, and he needs some time to be with himself before he can be with her or anyone else.
RevCam tells Ruthie that dinner will be ready soon. She asks him what he thought of Harry. RevCam says that they're not saying that Ruthie can't date Harry, but they're not saying that she can date him either. Well, if he's going to be a wishy-washy little bitch like that, then I think Ruthie is perfectly justified in sneaking out of the house at night like everyone else her age. RevCam says that Ruthie and Harry are allowed to hang out around the house so the CamRents can get to know Harry better, and maybe later they'll figure something out. He asks Ruthie if she knows that Harry has gone from foster home to foster home his whole life. "That's not his fault," says Ruthie. "Hmm," says RevCam, as if it totally is Harry's fault. RevCam says it's a real shame that there isn't a "couple out there" or even one person who could make a difference for Harry. Well, RevCam, considering that you're obviously against gay relationships, gay marriage, and almost definitely, gay adoption, that kind of cuts the number of people who can help Harry down, doesn't it? But I guess it's better for children to waste away in county facilities than to live among homosexual sinners. Ruthie asks RevCam if he's thinking of adopting Harry so that Ruthie can't date him. RevCam considers this with a smile-smirk. Just when you think RevCam's reached the height of assholery, he goes and does something like that and tops it. RevCam says he's going to find someone who can take Harry. Look out, Sgt./Det./Cpt. Michaels! You're about to have a bizarre pizza dream sequence.
Kevin comes home to find Lucy staring at herself in a mirror. "Why do you love me?" she asks her husband. "Because co-dependency is awesome!" he responds. Or he rattles off some things about Lucy being an individual, which isn't true, and how that's "sexy." Kevin says that he likes that Lucy doesn't need a man in her life to "define" her and tell her what to do. Yeah, except her father. What is Kevin talking about? Maybe he has a mistress who's also named Lucy. Lucy2 sounds cool; I wish we'd see her. She'd probably be a lot like Georgia. Kevin says it's also great how, even though he has "more than enough money," Lucy wants to work. Hey, Mr. More Than Enough Money, how about buying your wife a computer? Or, like, A HOUSE? Or maybe even some food so you guys can stop stealing from your in-laws? Lucy and Kevin share a peck -- on the lips! Whoa, there, Camdens! You're moving into TV-PG territory here! Lucy's all happy now because she's finally thought of what to write for her sermon. But she'll need the apartment to write it down. Alone, apparently. Kevin's more than happy to oblige, as Mistress Lucy is waiting for him at the pool hall and he doesn't like to keep her waiting. Even though if he does, she doesn't go insane and throw pies at him.
The Lame Clear Phone rings, and it's Harry, calling from a pay phone on the Promenade. Foster kids don't get cell phones. It's a rough life. Ruthie invites him to church. He cheerfully accepts the invitation. And I have to give Aaron Carter credit here; I thought he was going to be absolutely terrible, but, at the very least, he's charismatic and has stage presence. This puts him quite a bit ahead of most of this show's other guest stars, as well as certain members of its regular cast.
RevCam and Annie are setting the table as Simon comes home. He asks his parents when they're going to ask him how his therapy session went. He thought they'd be insane with questions since he's been there all day. All-day therapy? Well, that'll make a nice big dent in the Camden checkbook. Or rather, the church collection plate. RevCam says that he and Annie aren't going to ask Simon about anything; they'll let him tell them what he wants to, when he wants to. And he says it like this new parenting technique was all his idea. Simon apologizes for lying about Georgia, adding that he did eventually break up with her. Simon says that Dr. Gibson helped him with things he didn't know he needed help with, and he's sorry for disappointing his parents and himself. I'll bet certain parts of his anatomy weren't at all disappointed in Simon's decision to lose his virginity. "You didn't disappoint anyone!" Annie says, apparently forgetting everything RevCam's been saying these last three episodes, which is fine since it appears that RevCam forgot all that as well. Simon says that he's going to see Dr. Gibson a few times, and he'll be seeing someone at school -- if, that is, his parents will pay for it. RevCam semi-apologizes for the threat, explaining that he was "in the trenches," fighting for Simon's life, and he had to grab whatever tool he could find to do it. Well, RevCam certainly was a tool. A drama-queen tool. RevCam says he was always going to pay for tuition. How good of him. Simon tells his parents that he won't promise that he'll never have premarital sex again. But he will "use better judgment." Oh, is Georgia "bad judgment"? Because it seems to me like she's the best Simon's ever going to do. The CamRents try to look happy about this. They tell Simon that they'll always love him, "no matter what." Is the Simon comes out of the closet episode coming up soon or what?
And now it's Sunday morning. RevCam catches Simon and Georgia coming out of Simon's bedroom. He tells Simon that any future "discussions" he has with Georgia should take place in a common room, where everyone can watch. Georgia leaves, telling RevCam she'll see him in church. Simon says that he and Georgia were just talking about having a relationship "without being so physical." He says he wants to actually get to know Georgia because she makes him laugh.
Martin lets Harry in the kitchen. He informs Harry that if the CamRents can give Harry a chance, then he can too. How kind of you, Martin. The CamRents and Ruthie come downstairs, and Harry meets Annie for the first time. "I see where Ruthie gets her good looks from," he says. Yeah, uh, Harry? Annie isn't MILF material. And Ruthie doesn't get her "good looks" from her. Annie invites Harry back to the house after the service and goes back upstairs. RevCam leaves to check on Lucy, first being sure to tell Ruthie that Harry cannot drive her to church. Martin volunteers to drive them both to church. Get a life, Martin. Harry leaves, and Ruthie tells Martin that he doesn't have to be her big brother, although she does "kind of like it. And," Ruthie adds, "I like you." Ewwww.
Lucy's wearing her pastoral robe thing, and RevCam is all teary-eyed, because that's how he always is. He tells her that he's really proud to be her father. They hug. "This is the daughter I still control," RevCam thinks as he embraces Lucy. Lucy says she can't believe she's an Associate Pastor. "This is my dream," she says. Her dream is to be an Associate Pastor? Way to reach for the stars. And she was a lot cooler when her dream was to be an architect or whatever. "You made my dreams come true," she tells RevCam. Yeah, it must be nice to not have to earn your way to your career of choice.
Lucy gives her sermon about her stupid class. She says it will be about more than abstinence, and that it's only open to girls. Kind of like that movie all the girls had to watch in fifth grade about getting your first period. Lucy says she will get around to talking to the boys, to which the congregation laughs and laughs. There isn't much to entertain Glenoak these days. Lucy says her class reminds her of the woman from "The Song of Solomon," who doesn't have a name, but knows who she is and what she wants. And she doesn't care what anyone thinks about her. Which is completely unlike Lucy. Also, the woman wants a man, but doesn't want to compromise anything to get that man. Lucy says that a lot of teenage girls think that their lives will be perfect if the cute boy asks them out, or they get to be Homecoming Queen, or they have sex. Sure, but I remember when all Lucy cared about was being Homecoming Queen herself, so I hope she's not trying to act like she's above it all now. Lucy says that people make their sense of fulfillment dependent on someone else. And we should all love ourselves, like God wants us to. Lucy starts talking about real passion, and are those black people in the audience? Shouldn't they be at the Hamiltons' church? Lucy ends her sermon by asking everyone, especially the girls, what they really want to do. She tells them that it's important that they not get sidetracked from it. Harry looks bored. Lucy says that sex and relationships can sidetrack you. Interesting. I live in Los Angeles, where sex and relationships actually move your career forward. Lucy tells everyone to go for their passion right now. "God has already equipped us with everything we need to live full and rich lives," she says. Except, you know, the twins. So everyone needs to go out there and take what God has given them and use it. Unless it's their genitalia, in which case, RevCam's got a few chastity belts for sale. They're guaranteed not to rust, and his prices are competitive.