And we're back with yet another season of Tubey Award Winner for Worst Returning Show, 7th Heaven. I was hoping to spend my summer, aside from a few Classic recaps, away from the godforsaken family, but I was not destined to be so blessed. Not only did I have to deal with the fallout from Asslee's stupid new album doing well by hearing her (s)hit single on the radio every ten minutes, but she was also all over MTV, which I don't watch expecting to see the best musicians around, but still. At one point, I was flipping through the channels when I happened upon the Asslee Simpson Show. Alarmed, I tried to switch to another channel, any other channel, as quickly as possible, and I must have sent the cable box too many signals too quickly because it FROZE UP on a frame of Asslee and I couldn't change the channel. I turned the television off and then on again, but she was still there. This lasted for FOUR DAYS until I called the cable company and they reset the box, thus freeing it from the Curse of Asslee Simpson. Oh, and then there was the time I went to the new Target in West Hollywood, where I was perusing the CD section only to get stuck to some faux-punk woman and her ugly boyfriend. The woman was looking for Asslee's CD, and when she saw it was sold out, she said the following: "Oh my god, Target is sold out of Asslee's CD! I'll have to tell her that when I talk to her tonight!" I was able to hear every word she said because it was projected so that everyone in the electronics section and probably even down in garden supplies could hear and be suitably impressed that this woman was supposedly Asslee's friend. I just couldn't understand why anyone would want to advertise having any association with Asslee Simpson. I certainly don't. And Asslee wasn't the only cast member determined to haunt me all summer. Lucy, Kevin, and Ruthie all made appearances on my television in K-Mart commercials. Now Kevin, I don't mind seeing so much, especially when he's only wearing his boxers. Mmm. But even he is not worth having to see Lucy and Ruthie. Especially when they're on a gigantic billboard I drive by EVERY DAY on my way to work. That's right -- Ruthie's dead soulless eyes are one of the first things I see every morning.
Well, let's get this over with. We open with a shot of the twins. And how they've grown! Well, one of them grew. The stunted one is more stunted than ever. I swear, those Brinos may be the worst casting job this show has ever done, and that's saying a lot. I mean, they can't act, they can barely speak, and they aren't even TWINS anymore! Why can't Brenda just bring herself to replace them with some less self-conscious kids? I don't think any of the viewers would mind. I don't think the Brinos would mind, either. Annie takes some pictures of her kids on their first day of school until RevCam runs downstairs and throws his unappealing face in the shot. Annie gasps at the scandal of it all, then launches into boring story about how she took all of her other kids to the first day of school (in Matt's case, she's still doing it), but this time, SamVid want their father to do the dubious honors. Annie is crushed and accuses RevCam of telling the twins to request his escorting services. I see Annie didn't lose any paranoia over the summer, even if she did seem to lose some weight. Annie sulks some more about not being able to take the twins to school. Hey, here's an idea so crazy it just might work: why don't BOTH parents take their kids to school? ["And leave them there?" -- Sars]
RevCam and SamVid are set to leave when RevCam realizes he forgot his keys. Annie runs upstairs to get them and the twins say something about waiting outside like men do. Whatever. Maybe they'll get abducted while they're out there completely unsupervised. Ruthie comes downstairs, ready to leave for her first day of high school. Hey! What's she doing here? Isn't she supposed to be in Mexico? DAMN IT! I'll never be free of her! RevCam asks her if she's excited about high school. "No," says Ruthie. Is she scared? No. What is she, then? "Angry." Good lord, she's finally going to unleash her reign of terror on us all. RevCam takes twenty minutes to stammer out that Ruthie shouldn't be mad at Peter for moving across town to a duplex with his parents. "He'll be around, you'll see," RevCam tells Ruthie, except that he won't, because the Petrowski/Vickery family is finally out of my life forever! Ruthie says she isn't angry at Peter; she's angry at Martin for not giving her a ride to school. RevCam offers his chauffeuring services, but Ruthie says she's going to "let" Lucy and Kevin drive her. Yes, it's always a very generous thing to "let" someone go out of their way and do you a favor.
Martin comes downstairs and announces his departure. RevCam is distracted, however, by his boarder's crotch. He stares at it, and we see that Martin's sporting some low-slung jeans and some high-waisted boxers. Martin says his aunt sent him some new school clothes and he promised her he'd wear them. "She said they're cool and she's the designer," says Martin. And yes, at one point, baggy jeans worn below the ass were at the cutting edge of fashion. But that point was somewhere back in 1993, so Aunt? You might want to stick with those charm bracelet socks for a little while longer. RevCam ascertains that Martin isn't breaking any school rules with his choice of attire, and lets him go. Hey, remember three seasons ago when Simon wore baggy pants and RevCam acted like it was the end of the world? Times have changed! RevCam stares at Martin's ass as the poor child leaves the house, then mutters to Ruthie, "Wow, I hope those [pants] don't fall off. That would be embarrassing." Ruthie nods without feeling.
Kevin enters the house and RevCam inquires as to the whereabouts of Lucy. Apparently, she's been held up searching for pants that fit her growing waistline. Because she's still pregnant. Damn; I was kinda hoping the "Lucy is pregnant" storyline would have moved to Peter's duplex, where nothing is ever seen or heard from again. Kevin says he doesn't understand why his wife won't just buy bigger pants.
Lucy enters and immediately assumes that everyone was just talking about her. That's not very fair, Lucy. After all, Ruthie wasn't. She was just standing there, trying to bore holes into the kitchen table with her robot laser eyebeams. RevCam gently asks Lucy if she wants Annie to take her shopping for maternity clothes, as Annie's had "a lot of experience." That's for damn sure, and yet somehow, I don't think Lucy's really eager to don a maternity-edition sailor top just yet. Ruthie demands that her chariot bring her to school, so Lucy, Kevin, and Ruthie leave.
Simon comes downstairs and sullenly greets his father. His hair is still pretty bad, but it looks a lot better than it did last season. In fact, Simon looks better than he did last season or any other season. He appears to be one of the few lucky child actors who will age well. RevCam asks Simon if he's heard from Asslee since she left for vacation. Simon says she's only been gone a day, and he doesn't really care besides. RevCam says that he's sure Simon misses Asslee, since he spent so much more time with her over the summer than his family. "Bye," Simon replies, leaving.
Annie comes downstairs with the car keys. Wow, and it only took her an hour to find them. RevCam leaves. Annie looks sad. But then RevCam and the twins come right back. RevCam says that the twins want their mother to take them to school after all. Annie squeals and jumps up and down with joy. She and the twins exit, leaving RevCam to flashback to a brief scene of SamVid as newborns. They sure were better actors then.
Theme song! Barry Watson and David Gallagher have pushed poor old Beverley Mitchell back to fifth billing again. While it's funny, it's not really fair. She should at least be ahead of Gallagher. But at least she doesn't have to follow the Brinos, like George Stults and Tyler Hoechlin.
The first Opening Credits Timewaster of the new season is Ruthie trying to figure out where her first class is. She has no luck asking people, which is probably because she's like half the size of all of her classmates and they can't see her all the way down there. Oh, but I feel for the girl. I was tiny like that when I was her age. I was a lot smarter than her, however, so I had the entire high school memorized before my first day so I wouldn't end up in her current situation. Also unlike Ruthie, I had a lot of friends to join me in our search for our classes. Eventually, Ruthie spots Martin talking to some of his friends and walks towards him. When he doesn't acknowledge her, though, she gives up and walks past. Then she stops short, just as "written by Brenda Hampton" flashes across the screen (NOOOO!!!!), and an evil grin spreads across her face. In slow-motion, she turns around and runs towards Martin. Then she pantses him. Martin pulls his pants back up as his friends stare at the scene with big dumb jock "duh" expressions on their face. Ruthie turns to run away, only to collide with an angry-looking teacher.
Annie glares at a piece of paper, then yells at SamVid. They say they're sorry. Annie asks what happened, and of course they have to tell the story "cutely" so they switch speakers like every other word, and they don't even know how to talk so I can't and won't repeat it verbatim. Basically, some girl in their class was going to hit them, so the bigger twin hit her first. She started to cry, so the bigger twin "tried to stalk her." I swear to god, that is what he said. Vid and that girl will be engaged in no time. When the girl started screaming, SamVid ran away. Their teacher chased them, but she tripped and fell, giving the twins time to hide in the bathroom. The teacher found them there, and sent them home with the letter. "The end," they say in unison. Annie hears a noise from the other room, so she leaves the twins to investigate. Because even sounds of the house settling are more interesting to her than her own children.
Alas, it turns out not to be the house making noise, but Simon and some blonde girl running downstairs. And y'all -- Simon is buttoning up his shirt and the girl is fixing her hair! Looks to me like sex was had! Annie confronts them, and Simon introduces his friend from school, "Georgia." It would seem that Brenda lost her "Most Popular Baby Names of 1957" book over the hiatus, so she picked up an atlas and decided to use that to name her characters instead. Look out week for new character "Rhode Island," a classmate of Ruthie's who lives with his parents "Wyoming" and "Pennsylvania." And is a Muslim. Annie asks to speak to Simon in the living room, and he reluctantly follows her.
In the living room, Annie says it looks to her as if Simon and Georgia weren't expecting anyone in the house and were trying to sneak out unseen. Simon's like, "Yeah." Annie can't believe that Simon would do something with another girl when Asslee's on vacation. She asks what Simon and Georgia were doing in his room. "Well that's kinda personal," he responds. He says he's an adult and what he does in his own bedroom is his own business. And it is, if it's his own bedroom in his own house. But it's not; it's his parents' (well, the church's, but we'll just say "parents'" for the sake of this argument), and while parents should respect their children's privacy to a certain degree, what they do in their bedrooms isn't necessarily none of their business. Annie asks Simon if he's having sex, to which Simon pleads the Fifth Amendment. Annie says they will talk about this when RevCam gets home.
RevCam and Ruthie are sitting in what I guess is supposed to be the guidance counselor's office. RevCam and Counselor want to know why Ruthie pantsed Martin. Counselor proffers up a list of possible reasons for Ruthie to choose from, almost begging her to say that she did it on a dare. With fake tears in her eyes, Ruthie says she pantsed Martin because she felt like it. RevCam puts a hand on her shoulder, to which Ruthie screams at him to leave her alone. Wow, that's like the most acting Mackenzie Rosman has done since that one episode where she pretended she was pregnant like her mother and danced and sang and twirled around on the counter of a fast food restaurant. Martin enters, and everyone stares at each other.
Hey, it's Matt! And his hair looks freaking terrible! You'd think someone who lost his hair during chemotherapy would be appreciative of it and thus especially insistent that it look good, but I guess Barry Watson doesn't have that kind of pull in the make-up trailer. Matt enters the Treehouse of Lurv (Kevin and Lucy still haven't moved out? I mean, Paris and Vic are stupid losers and even they managed to get a duplex) and drops his bags quietly, because Lucy is sleeping. He takes a bottle of something from the mini-fridge (it looked like beer, but come on. You know Lucy doesn't allow that stuff in her pad) and tries to open it. Since he's Matt and he can't do anything right, he is not able to open the bottle. Finally, he finds a bottle opener and removes the cap with such vigor that it flies onto the floor. The noise awakens our sleeping non-beauty, who demands to know what Matt is doing there. He says he's visiting and Kevin did not ask him to come. Then he asks Lucy how she's doing. She says she was doing fine until her husband started tattling on her to her crappy brother. Matt says that many women share information about their pregnancies with their husbands, and he knows this because, as he says, striking a pose, he's "a doctor." Lucy points out that he isn't yet, and Matt says that he's helped out on some childbirths and stuff so if Lucy ever wants to talk to her brother about gynecological subjects, he would be more than happy to listen. I don't even like talking to my gynecologist about that kind of stuff; I can't imagine ever bringing it up with my brother. But then, he isn't a fake doctor like Matt. Lucy says she won't be sharing anything with Matt, and that she doesn't need her husband to summon her brother from New York. She also calls Matt "Mr. Smarty Doctor-Pants," so any maturity we may have thought she gained along with that pregnancy weight went right out the window. Matt looks uncomfortable and averts his eyes. He says that's fine, then tells Lucy that he "thinks" her pants just fell off. Lucy screeches and pulls her pants back up. "Whoo!" says Matt. This show has gone past bad and is firmly entrenched in bizarre.
High school. RevCam is telling Martin some cockamamie story about the development of teenage brains that basically exonerates Ruthie from any blame. Martin is understandably pissed. RevCam says that Ruthie is upset and embarrassed about what happened. "She's embarrassed? What about me?" says Martin. "I mean, I know I'm not your son, but I expected a little bit of sympathy and understanding. But hey -- maybe your brain's not working either. Maybe your whole family has brain problems!" Well, it's about time someone addressed SamVid's glaringly obvious disabilities. Martin storms away. Sing it, Martin! There's hope for you yet!
Ruthie leaves the office and says that she has detention for the rest of the week. She asks RevCam to leave her alone, and leaves. RevCam watches her go with tears in his eyes. He flashes back to a clip from the first season, when Ruthie was still a sociopath, but was considered "cute." I turn away, because it's bad enough that I have to see the current Ruthie. Why must I also be assaulted with PastRuthie?
Matt and Kevin enter the Treehouse of Lurv to get something from Matt's luggage. Oops! They walked in on Simon and Georgia making out, with their clothes on, on the couch. Yeah, those two are totally having sex. Simon and Georgia jump up when they see their new audience. Kevin tells Simon that he's in the wrong house, to which Simon's just like "sorry." Kevin's suggestion that the couple "get a room" is met with a punch in the chest from Matt. Introductions are made, and Matt says he needs to talk to his brother alone. Kevin begs to differ; this is his business because this is his apartment. Well, it's not really Kevin's apartment, and even it if were, this wouldn't be his business, but whatever. Suddenly Lucy comes upstairs and Georgia goes, "Great, is this more of your family?" Hee. Lucy asks Matt how long he'll be in town, and he says two weeks, "give or take." How is that going to work if Matt's a regular cast member now? Will this whole season take place in the timeframe of two weeks? That would be interesting. Like 24 but really, really crappy. ["'But'?" -- Sars] And not that interesting. Lucy is hoping that Matt might spend some of his vacation time away from the house. Simon suggests Europe as a possible destination. Matt says that "Europe doesn't like us right now." I agree; I'd imagine that the countries in Europe whose television stations air 7th Heaven probably aren't huge Camden fans. Especially France. Lucy asks about PC, and Matt says she's back in New York and it's healthy for them to take separate vacations. Ha! They so hate each other. Lucy tells Kevin and Matt to leave so she can talk to Simon and Georgia. Surprisingly, they do.
Simon apologizes and says he didn't think anyone would mind. That you were making out in someone else's apartment without their permission? Shut up, Simon. "Let's just go," says the wise Georgia. But no, Lucy has something to say. "Do you want to end up like this?" Lucy says, pointing to her belly. "Chubby?" asks Georgia. Okay, that was the best line ever. Georgia is so much better than Asslee ever was. And really, Georgia's not that great. "Pregnant," says Lucy. "Oh," says Georgia, not really caring. Simon says that he and Georgia were just talking, to which Lucy says she's pregnant and that means she doesn't believe them. She tells Simon to never come to her apartment when she and Kevin aren't home, and tells them both to keep their hands off each other until they're married. Hey, Lucy? Why don't you just LOCK YOUR FUCKING DOOR once in a while if you're so against unwelcome intruders? ["And MYOFB, you moon-faced hag. Jesus." -- Sars]
Simon and Georgia walk through the backyard, and Simon reminds Georgia that they'll both be back at school "in a couple weeks," where presumably they can mess around without fear of interruption. Georgia claims to be "crazy" about Simon and to have missed him all summer. They start making out extremely and unpleasantly loudly as RevCam enters. He walks by them, saying a brief hello to Simon and "Asslee." They don't notice the gaffe, and neither does RevCam until he gets to the back door of the house. He turns around to check out Asslee's ass, but something's wrong: those aren't the supple curves he's memorized so well. This is an entirely different ass!
RevCam enters the kitchen, where he and Annie talk over each other about their respective daily events until RevCam finally figures out that conversations actually work better, and more information is conveyed, if only one person talks at a time. He tells Annie to go first, since he heard her say something about "sex." Ah, good ol' RevCam: just as pervy as ever. He has a sixth, seventh, and eighth sense, and they're all tuned to letting him know when and where sex is going on.
Annie tells RevCam the story of her earlier encounter with Simon and Georgia. She starts off with something about the twins getting in trouble at school, but RevCam doesn't care about that when there's a story having to do with sex to be heard. Annie says she thinks Simon and Georgia were having sex in his room. And the worst part is, when Annie tried to ask him about it, he told her to mind her own business. RevCam asks about Asslee, probably disappointed that the sex story had nothing to do with her. "Who is he?" Annie asks about Simon, who has sex the day after his girlfriend leaves for vacation. RevCam says he'll talk to Simon, and Annie mentions something about the twins again, and how they don't want to go back to school tomorrow because it's safer at home with their mother. Such foolish children! It's never safer with Annie, even if the alternative is lying down on a crowded highway.Annie asks RevCam what's going on with Ruthie, and he tells her about how she pantsed Martin. Annie chuckles at the story, probably not unlike Brenda did when she first conceived of the Ruthie pantsing Martin "plot." It's the chuckle of someone who's not entirely in touch with reality. RevCam tells Annie that this isn't funny, to which Annie says that Martin shouldn't have been wearing baggy pants. Um…WHAT? Is she seriously going to blame Martin for the fact that her psycho daughter did nothing less than sexually harass someone? Although, this is the woman who let Richard Lewis attack her without really even getting upset, so I guess it makes sense. When Annie says that if Martin had given her a ride to school, this wouldn't have happened, RevCam tells her not to blame Martin because he's mad enough at RevCam as it is. RevCam explains that he was simply trying to tell Martin his stupid theory about the teenage brain and then Annie gets all bent out of shape, saying that RevCam's theory gives all teenagers excuses for their actions and she doesn't want all teenagers to have excuses, just the evil one who's her daughter. RevCam reveals that Ruthie is currently serving detention. Annie can't believe that RevCam would "let" Ruthie get detention. I don't think RevCam had any say in the matter, Annie. I also think that Ruthie deserves that detention, and a lot more.
Annie leaves, only to be replaced by Simon, who asks his dad for fifty dollars for dinner. "Taking the whole family out?" RevCam asks. "No!" Simon says, as if he can't believe RevCam would even suggest such a thing. He says he's only taking Georgia. RevCam thinks this would be a good time to ask Simon if he's having sex with Georgia. Simon asks for money again. "Are you having sex?" RevCam replies. Once RevCam's mind is on sex, you just can't change it to anything else, Simon, which you should know by now. "I just want to take her to dinner!" Simon says. "So you can have sex?" RevCam asks. Simon says that these days, unlike in "the twenties," you don't need to buy a woman dinner to have sex with her. You can have sex for free! And, Simon adds, he and Georgia are going dutch on the meal anyway. RevCam gets all jealous because his son gets to take women on hundred-dollar dinners and he can't even afford to take his wife to Bennigan's. One of the reasons why the CamRents are so low on funds, says RevCam, is that they have to pay for Simon's school. Simon responds that he helps pay for college, and he got a "partial scholarship." Oops! RevCam didn't know about this before. Simon says he just got it. RevCam asks if Simon was planning on just pocketing the money his parents were sending him. Simon gets angry and says he'll just go and pay for his dinner from the money in his savings -- "like the last time." Oops again! It turns out that Simon's been driving down to Glenoak with Georgia all throughout the school year. Adding insult to injury, Simon's already met Georgia's parents. RevCam says he doesn't remember Simon being in town during the school year. Simon says that's because he didn't tell them. Simon says he can't introduce RevCam to all his conquests. RevCam can't believe that Simon would drive hours from school and not say hello to his family. I can believe it, and I think it might have something to do with the fact that his family couldn't even be bothered to drive him to school; they sent him on a bus. And then, right after he left, they replaced him with Martin. And I don't recall anyone going to visit Simon up at school. I can see why Simon was maybe a little resentful.
RevCam asks Simon his real question: "What about Asslee?" Simon doesn't want to answer. RevCam says he wants to talk to Simon and catch up with him after not really seeing much of him this summer. There are a couple of things RevCam wants to ask him. Simon just glares at him. The standoff ends when RevCam has to answer the phone. It's Ruthie, and RevCam has to pick her up from school. He tells Simon to bring Georgia over for dinner, and after she leaves, they can talk about Asslee. And some other stuff.
As RevCam leaves the house, he walks by Matt and Kevin, who are staring at pictures of vaginas in a medical textbook. Kevin is amazed. Something tells me he and Lucy have sex with the lights off.
Simon and Annie meet in the hallway, and Simon apologizes to her for making it seem like he was avoiding her. He's "just trying to grow up." Annie says that she can help him with this. His whole family can help. Like they helped when he killed that kid and then let him run away to college and never talked about him again? Or like they helped Mary when she was drinking "heavily" and experimenting with staring at joints? Simon asks Annie if he can skip dinner to take Georgia out. Annie says he can. As Simon walks away, Annie has her own little flashback of him in Season One, when he had that terrible haircut. It's sad that his hair now isn't much different.
Nighttime at the CamPound. Annie and RevCam are sitting on the couch, trying to figure out who's talking to which kid. Should they present a united front or speak to the kids separately? As they fight, Martin walks by, carrying some large baggage. Annie suggests that RevCam talk to Ruthie and she can talk to Martin. "I think he just walked through here with a tent," she adds. Lucy runs in looking for Kevin and Matt. She couldn't find them at the pool hall where they said they would be, and she doesn't like them hanging out together and talking about her. Lucy says she has a paper to write, and takes off. Annie says that she's going to talk to Ruthie to "feel useful." Well, at least Annie can feel useful, even if she can't actually be it.
RevCam comes outside, where Martin has already set up a rather large tent. He did that in three seconds! I couldn't even construct a crude lean-to out of my bedspread, a wall, and some nails in that time. I guess that's what a military upbringing does for you. Martin is doing his homework by the light of a lantern when RevCam approaches. Martin says he let Matt have the bedroom to himself so he could spend some time away from everyone. "Does 'everyone' include me?" RevCam asks. Martin says it does. RevCam reacts to this by taking a seat at the picnic table like the rude bastard he is. He says he's sorry that he seemed more concerned with Ruthie's feelings than Martin's, and he knows what Ruthie did was wrong. "Does she know that?" Martin asks. RevCam says she does. "Does she?" Martin snots. "She didn't apologize." Martin had a rude tone there, but I understand. RevCam says he's sure Ruthie will apologize after he goes inside and makes her. He continues that he would have been just as defensive about Ruthie with his real children, because he gives her preferential treatment because she's not his biological child and he has to overcompensate. RevCam says that he's probably a part of the reason why Ruthie is having trouble seeing herself as a "young adult." Another part of that reason might be that she looks ten years old. RevCam finishes by saying that Ruthie was wrong, and he's sorry for being unsupportive. He cares about Martin, and thinks he's a "very responsible, reasonable, attractive young man." He left the "attractive" part unsaid, but, you know. RevCam says that he loves having Martin around because he reminds him of Robbie, and he's sorry that he and the rest of his family have problems with their CamBrains. Martin apologizes for saying that, and says he does appreciate being able to stay at the CamPound. He just needs some time in the backyard. RevCam says he'll leave the back door unlocked. His bedroom door, too. "In case you change your mind," he says.
Lucy scribbles furiously in a notebook. She doesn't type her papers up on a computer? Her professors must really appreciate the professional appearance of Lucy's papers. I wonder if they come with hearts instead of dots over the i's. Lucy tells RevCam she doesn't need his help, so of course, RevCam takes a seat. He just loves hanging out where he's most unwelcome. He tells Lucy that he admires her for taking on so much right now, and asks about her relationship with her husband. Lucy says it's fine. "Kevin must be a big help," says RevCam. "What's he got to do with it?" Lucy asks, thus demonstrating that she is not smart or mature enough to raise a child: "I don't think [Kevin] has anything to do with this. I mean, except for the fun part." RevCam's just like, "Whoa, TMI, there, daughter." Lucy says she is doing this "by herself" because it's not like Kevin can have the baby for her and apparently that's all that's involved with being pregnant. Apparently nothing happens during those nine (or, in Mary's case, twelve) months between conception and birth. Oh, and now Lucy's mad because she thinks her father is assuming that she's too overwhelmed to succeed at everything she has on her plate right now, and she can. In fact, she can even find time to take over Chandler's job. If, that is, RevCam believed in her enough to offer it to her. RevCam's like, "Whaaa??" Lucy continues that her dad obviously just sees her as an overemotional teenager, to which RevCam responds by staring into space and flashing back to Lucy as an overemotional teenager. ["He wouldn't have to flash all that far back, either. What is she, now -- twenty? Shut UP, Lucy. I hate this goddamn show." -- Sars] Lucy sure did call that one, but why would she expect to get Chandler's job? She doesn't even have a degree and wasn't he, like, a doctorate in three areas? And a contributor to The New York Times? What has Lucy done besides serve on the student court for two episodes? Shut up, Lucy.
RevCam's on the phone with a restaurant, trying to figure out if they have a reservation for a "Simon Camden." They do, and RevCam has just enough time to get over there to join them. Annie comes down in her pajamas, and RevCam invites her out to dinner. "Don't you feel like a steak? I do, I feel like a steak!" RevCam says with the sort of teeth-gritted psycho smile his wife usually sports. Annie says that RevCam's idea to meet up with Simon and Georgia is "really good," but too expensive. RevCam says he'll find enough money concealed in various coffee cans around the kitchen. I wonder if he'll steal from the twins like Mary did. As Annie leaves to change, RevCam asks her if Lucy should work at the church. Annie says they can talk about that in the car.
Lucy is still working on her paper as Kevin apologizes for not being at the pool hall. He and Matt decided to "just drive around" all night. Kevin says he was talking to Matt about "how it's difficult…to be a husband. Not that difficult. The difficulties of being a husband. Not the difficulties. The challenges…of being a good husband. I just want to be a good husband and a good father." I have to say, George Stults pretty much managed to deliver his lines in a realistic fashion there. And he looked cute when he did it, too. There's hope for Kevin yet. He continues that he knows Lucy has to be scared, but she's acting like nothing has changed. But everything's different, and he wants her to talk to him. He feels like he's doing nothing to help Lucy out. He points out that Lucy talked and complained and cried more when she wasn't pregnant. Does he want her to act like that again? Lucy says she wishes everyone would stop making such a big deal about her being pregnant. "It's the biggest deal ever!" Kevin says, once again doing an almost capable job of acting. He adds that Lucy won't even buy bigger pants. Lucy gets all upset because she thinks that all Kevin and her mother care about is her getting bigger pants. She doesn't need bigger pants. Then she notices that her pants have fallen down. Yeah, that wasn't funny the first time it happened, and it's even less funny now. Let's hope Brenda doesn't know the Comedy Rule of Three. Lucy tells Kevin that she wants her dad's job, and she wants Kevin's support. Kevin notices a message on their machine, and plays it. It's the ultrasound place, and they have an opening tomorrow. Kevin puts an arm around Lucy as she holds her belly. Aw.
"Knock knock," Ruthie says flatly, standing outside Martin's tent. He opens the flap and greets her. She starts with an "I regret that" that continues into "you wouldn't give me a ride my first day of school, and that you have absolutely no sense of humor." I regret that the writers of this show have no sense of humor, too.
Ruthie walks back into the house where she meets her parents, dressed up for a big night out of stalking. Ruthie says she apologized to Martin, and goes upstairs. Matt comes in and asks the CamRents where they're going. They explain that they're meeting Simon, and Matt instantly deduces that Simon doesn't know that they're coming. "What are you thinking?" Matt asks. RevCam says he's thinking that stalking is fun and he hasn't been able to do enough of it all summer. Matt tells the CamRents that they can't do this. Annie is confused as to why they can't. Matt tells his parents that he's seen Georgia and Simon together, and they're "either having sex or thinking about having sex, and [the CamRents] can't stop them." RevCam says he's an "eternal optimist" and he's being "creative" and "lighthearted." I bet Brenda uses lines like that all the time when she's defending her horrible show. Matt says that, as a fake doctor, he deals with pregnant women all the time, and suggests that the CamRents tell Simon about safe sex and buy him a pack of condoms. Safe sex lecture? Sure. Pack of condoms? Eh…Simon can go get those himself. Now the CamRents share a mutual flashback to Matt from the first season, who looks pretty much the same as he does now except for his hair, so it kind of looks like the CamRents are having wistful memories of their sons' haircuts. The CamRents thank Matt for his advice, which they won't be following, and take off. "This is a big mistake!" shouts Matt, but they ignore him. And at this extraordinarily suspenseful cliffhanger, we are given the "To Be Continued…"