As the opening guitar strums its merry way along, Ruthie and Peter board a school bus with their classmates. They take a seat, while everyone around them probably thinks, "Oh, great, we have to sit near that dorkwad couple." Ruthie bitches that their school does the zoo field trip "every other year" and she gets it by now. Peter says it always sucks because they have to get up early and get stuck in traffic. God, I didn't even do this much complaining about a field trip when my biology class had to go to the sewage treatment plant. Because field trips mean that time that would have been spent in school is instead spent somewhere else, and that's good enough for me. Even if that somewhere else features a million-gallon vat of soap scum and bacon grease, as well as an up close and personal look at the "heavier sediment" that can be found in sewage. And now Ruthie starts in with the quasi-philosophical bullshit about how she and Peter are the ones in cages, not the animals. Everything in their lives is "pre-packaged" and "controlled"; their parents drive them everywhere, and they have designated times when they have to do everything. Glenoak is their zoo, and their bedrooms are their cages. Peter asks what the bus signifies. "The meat wagon, taking us to slaughter," Ruthie says. "I think you went a step too far with that metaphor," Peter responds. Pity.
Even though it's supposed to be, like, six o'clock in the morning, it's never too early for Annie to start making dinner! She's got a kitchen table packed with ingredients for her stew. I guess you have to put in about fifteen potatoes and a pound of onions when you're cooking for five hundred or however many people are staying in the CamPound these days. As RevCam sits at the nearby kitchen table and bravely attempts to ignore the prattle, Annie peels a carrot and gets quasi-philosophical herself, except since her world is so narrowly defined by the one room of the CamPound she usually inhabits, all she can talk about is dinner. She says you can't get a smaller word than "stew," which is stew-pid, because obviously there are smaller words than that. For instance, in that last sentence, there were five words with fewer letters than "stew," and another four of equal size -- five, if you count "can't," which is a contraction. And yet, continues Annie, look at all that goes into this falsely-assumed-to-be-small word, like vegetables, two kinds of meat, and copious amounts of arsenic. She may not have said the last ingredient, but I'll bet it's going to be in there! Annie points everything out individually, being sure to do a strange dance with her goofily-outstretched arms as she does so. Thanks, Annie. It's not a real episode of 7th Heaven unless you're doing some sort of bizarre gyration that I am forced to witness.
RevCam wakes up and asks what's for dinner tonight, to which his darling wife responds by giving him a face full of passive-aggressive carrot shavings. RevCam apologizes for not paying attention, saying he's distracted because he has to write his Sunday sermon and "sometimes they just write themselves; this one seems to want help." I know the feeling, RevCam. My recaps often need help, too. Usually in the form of my friends Gin and Tonic. Annie asks RevCam to pick up the dry cleaning for her, to which RevCam says he's "too busy" to make stops on his way to work and can't it wait until tomorrow? Considering it's his dry cleaning that needs picking up, as I'm pretty sure Annie's aprons are all machine-washable, it'll have to. Anyway, RevCam whines that he has a really busy day today, as well he should, since he hasn't been to work in like two or three seasons. Then he makes fun of Annie by saying that "job" is a small word too, so I guess he was paying attention to Annie's little stew diatribe after all. So why was he pretending not to? I've given up understanding this show.
“ He tries to do some work, but then gets bored and reaches into his desk for a candy. Then he gets another candy in what I'm almost positive is the EXACT SAME SHOT as the one we just saw. This show never ceases to disgust me. ”
Chandler pulls up to Jeffrey's school in his rockin' Beamer. I'd just like to point out that he was going way too fast for a school zone, and he also neglected to use his turn signal. As Chandler pulls up, his car making a noise that sounds a lot like it just hit the curb, he finds another reason to yell at his li'l moppet: Jeffrey took his seatbelt off before the car was fully stopped. Jeffrey says he will if that's what Chandler wants, to which Chandler says he only wants it because of the seatbelt laws, not because of some silly concern for Jeffrey's safety. Jeffrey leaves for school, then turns back and thanks Chandler for the ride. Chandler has the decency to wait until Jeffrey's turned around again before he sighs in disgust and shakes his head.
For today's Opening Credits Timewaster, RevCam sits in his church office in front of that fugly fake stained glass window. He tries to do some work, but then gets bored and reaches into his desk for a candy. Then he gets another candy in what I'm almost positive is the EXACT SAME SHOT as the one we just saw. This show never ceases to disgust me. Eventually, RevCam just dumps a whole bunch of candies into his hand and gobbles them all down like a pig. Suddenly, he hears Chandler coming, so he slams the drawer shut and tries to act like there is no secret stash of candy. Because if Chandler ever found out about that stash, you know he'd eat RevCam's entire desk looking for it. Chandler apologizes for being late, saying that he had to deal with the extreme pain in the ass that was Jeffrey forgetting his lunch in the backseat.
Chandler and RevCam discuss candidates for vestibule-painters. RevCam wants to go with the guy who will do the wainscoting for free. Doug? Chandler asks how people manage to parent and have outside lives and jobs. Annie would probably like to know the answer to that question as well. Chandler says parenting is "too hard," to which RevCam curtly says it will work out and tries to leave. Chandler says RevCam just doesn't understand, to which RevCam gets all pissy and says that he only has seven children and a job, so maybe he's not the right guy to ask about how to juggle both things. Yeah, well, RevCam, you also have Annie, who does EVERYTHING, and you barely work as it is, so yeah, you are the wrong person to ask. Plus, you're the one who peer-pressured Chandler into getting that kid even though he said he wasn't ready for one, so either dish out the advice or just shut up entirely.
Martin and Asslee hold hands and walk down the school hallway. But looks can be deceiving, because there's trouble in teen love paradise: Martin and Asslee are mad at each other for having other commitments. Asslee works every night, and Martin has baseball practice every afternoon. Martin thinks Asslee should just skip work, to which Asslee responds that her dad doesn't treat her any differently than the other employees, so he'd fire her. Martin tells her to just call in sick. She asks him if he'd call in sick for baseball. She says he doesn't really need to practice anyway, since he's so good at it, to which Martin laughs in her face like an asshole. Also, watching a scene with these two is a lot like eating plain toast.
“ 'Am I too old to cry?' he wonders. Uhyes. But more importantly, you're not a good enough actor to pull it off. ”
Ruthie and Peter exit the zoo, still complaining about getting a day off crappy school to see some fun animals like the little brats they are. Right before they're about to get on the buses, they spot a hot dog stand. Peter says the hot dogs smell good; Ruthie's surprised he can smell them when she can hardly see them. Get some glasses, Ruthie: that hot dog stand is like ten feet away. Ruthie and Peter decide to get some hot dogs, since they should have the freedom to do that and the buses never leave on time anyway. I'd just like to add that after my field trip to the sewage treatment plant, I wasn't hungry for a week, let alone immediately following its conclusion. So shut up, Ruthie and Peter.
Kevin and Roxanne walk into the Treehouse, where Lucy is "studying." Lucy's surprised to see them, to which Roxanne and Kevin explain that the Glenoak PD has a new policy that uniformed officers are being "introduced" to "other aspects" of police work, i.e. the more advanced officers had some shit work they didn't want to do, so they made a policy that got it fobbed off on idiot underlings like Kevin and Roxanne. Kevin and Roxanne bitch about what a drag their normal job is sometimes, so they're glad to do something different. Kevin PSAs that uniformed officers have an "unspoken tension." Lucy says that Kevin never seemed to mind when women were checking him out when he was in uniform. "Different kind of tension," Kevin says, all shirtless anduhkind of hot. I'm sorry! But it's true.
Roxanne explains that they're staking out a recently-robbed jewelry store, apparently on the hunch that the thief is as stupid as everyone else on this show and would try to rob it again. Lucy asks when Kevin will be home, to which Kevin says he doesn't know. So now Lucy starts whining about how she thought Kevin was supposed to be home early tonight so they could go grocery shopping and look at bank statements. I can't imagine why he'd try to get out of those fun-filled activities. Kevin takes off. Roxanne leans over to give Lucy a face full of neck, exposed by her low-cut sweater. It's like some kind of Amish cleavage shot. Nice try, Safe Family Viewing Patrol. Lucy gawks at the non-cleavage cleavage and says there's "nothing plain" about Roxanne's sweater. Is Lucy coming on to her? Roxanne chooses to leave before things get awkward and friendships are forever changed.
Ruthie and Peter walk back to the buses, Peter doing a ridiculously contrived backward-walk. Way to stage, director. Peter asks if all evidence of the hot dog is off his face; Ruthie says it is. But will they pick up on the "tell-tale hot dog smell?" Probably not, since I'd bet that Peter smells a lot like that all the time anyway. Ruthie looks away from Peter and raises her eyebrows in what I guess is supposed to be surprise. The buses are gone! Okay, yes, Ruthie and Peter's teachers should have been more careful with their headcounts before they left and realized that two students were missing. But really, if those two were your students, wouldn't you kind of hope for some sort of "accident" that meant you would never have to see them again? Peter starts to freak out and says he's going to get in so much trouble for missing the bus. "Am I too old to cry?" he wonders. Uhyes. But more importantly, you're not a good enough actor to pull it off.