Peter talks to some nerdy kids about meeting up with them later tonight. I don't think the kids are supposed to be nerds, though, as one of them is wearing a shirt with a dragon on it to advertise his bad-ass-ity. When Ruthie walks up, they beat a hasty, and understandable, retreat. "See ya, Pete," they say. "'Pete'?" Ruthie asks, all mad that her boyfriend has shortened his name by one letter. Ruthie's emulation of her adopted mother's behavior adds credence to the nurture-over-nature argument. Meanwhile, what the hell is up with the other kids in the school hallway? Some of them look like they're five years old, and others look about twenty. Peter says he does actually have friends other than her, which is news to me, and that he won't be coming over to help her baby-sit tonight. He has to spend time with his dad. Ruthie is pissed: "This is the first time I'm officially babysitting [pause that is long enough for me to be able to go to the fridge to get some yogurt] the twins by myself. It's two on one. I need you [even longer pause that enables me to drive to the grocery store, buy some more yogurt, and come back] there to even out the odds of it." Peter says he sorry, but his dad really wants to spend time with him.
Chandler walks into a school office and asks why he was called in and if anything bad happened to Jeffrey. Do I detect a certain amount of hope in his voice? Jeffrey walks in and says there's nothing wrong; Chandler was supposed to pick him up. Chandler was not informed about this. He also had no idea, as it turns out, that Jeffrey's grandma is in the hospital, so Jeffrey is staying with him tonight. Way to keep your guardians abreast, Jeff. Chandler's annoyed now, because not only did nothing bad happen to Jeffrey, thus releasing him from his obligation to adopt the little bitch, but now he also has to spend the whole night with him. Jeffrey says if he doesn't get some food soon, there could be an emergency. Adorable.
Today's Opening Credits Timewaster starts off with Annie making a weird facial expression as she writes something down. RevCam enters the kitchen and opens the fridge to reveal no less than three half-gallon containers of milk and a tiny jar of mayonnaise, the Breakfast of White Champions. And with economizing like that, it's no wonder they can't afford that down payment. RevCam skulks around the kitchen. I guess now that all his kids are out of the house, he's been reduced to stalking the lettuce. Annie is still preoccupied with her very attractive impersonation of one of the higher order primates, so RevCam grabs a tiny container of (vanilla, of course) ice cream out of the freezer. He's about to eat his first spoonful when Annie comes out of nowhere to stop him. RevCam whines that he just wanted a snack before they left for dinner at a new neighbor's house. Annie's having none of that and tells RevCam that he's not even supposed to have ice cream. This scene confused my mother:
Sara Mom: What is Annie's problem with RevCam eating ice cream?
Sara M: He isn't supposed to have any because of all his heart attacks.
Sara Mom: Oh. Well, I think Annie's eating enough for both of them.
You know your parents love you when they watch 7th Heaven just to understand your recaps. RevCam worries about leaving Ruthie alone with the twins. As well he should be -- I'm sure she'll perform some type of satanic ritual on them, with deadly consequences. Actually, it turns out that RevCam isn't worried about the twins at all; he just doesn't want to go to the dinner party. I must say I'm shocked that RevCam could be so selfish. Oh, wait: I'm totally not, at all. Through clenched teeth, Annie lectures her husband that they're going to the dinner, and that Ruthie should have more responsibility. Ruthie hears that and takes it as a compliment, when all it really is is a license for Annie to make her do more unpleasant household chores.
RevCam and Annie say they're new to letting Ruthie baby-sit. Except not at all, since it was only last week that Ruthie was complaining that she should get the Treehouse because she watches the twins so often. Annie gives Ruthie the phone number of every single person in Glenoak, as well as those of Matt, Mary, and Simon. Yeah, because if some emergency happened, Ruthie should definitely call one of her siblings who's too far away to do anything about it. RevCam gives her money for pizza. Ruthie says everything will be fine, and physically shoves RevCam and Annie out the door. She says Peter might come over later to help. RevCam and Annie worry that this could lead to making out, something they weren't quite as concerned with when they freaking let Peter sleep over a few months ago, so Annie tells Ruthie to be sure to "keep everything downstairs and in the presence of your brothers." Because it's never too early to impress upon children the importance of physical relationships. And thanks, CamRents, for getting a mental picture of Ruthie and Peter making out stuck in my head.
Jeffrey holds the door open for Chandler as he enters loaded down with grocery bags. Jeffrey demands dinner; Chandler says he'll get started on that as soon as the groceries are put away. So Jeffrey yells at him for not going fast enough with the groceries. I would have booted him out of the house right then and there, but Chandler just puts him to work putting away the groceries. Except that Jeffrey can't reach the shelves, so he's just useless.
Lucy and Kevin get all dressed up and talk about how today is their first anniversary. Which, according to Lucy, means that now, when they're getting ready to go out to dinner to celebrate, is the perfect time to start discussing the weighty issue of their future. She's inspired because she was "reading this book." "What did I tell you about that?" Kevin says, warningly, because when the little woman reads, she gets all kinds of ideas about liberation. It turns out that Kevin doesn't have a problem with Lucy reading in general, just her reading self-help books. He makes a speech about how self-help books are wrong, which is odd, since I'd wager that Brenda has read more than a few of those in her long lifetime. Lucy says that this self-help book is a good one, because it tells them to make a "five-year plan" for their future. As someone on the forums pointed out, Stalin had a five-year plan, too. Lucy says she just wants to think about where they'll be living and if they'll have children. Kevin says they've already talked about the kids issue ad nauseam: whenever she wants them is fine, as long as she's a college graduate. So it's not really whenever Lucy wants them, it's when Lucy wants them and has overcome whatever obstacles her husband has placed in front of her. Kevin says he wants to forget about tomorrow right now, and go celebrate their anniversary.
Asslee waits for Martin as he exits the lockers, post-baseball game. His teammates all look about thirty years old. Between them and those toddlers attending Ruthie's school, Glenoak's got quite the student age range. Martin notices that Asslee's pout is slightly different than usual, and asks her what's wrong. She says she's starting to think about college and how, even if she goes to one of the closer schools that accepted her, she'll probably be "too busy" to see Martin. Um, when did Asslee apply to schools? More importantly, when did she learn how to write? Asslee says she hasn't made up her mind about which school she'll be attending, although she'd better pretty soon, since I'm pretty sure there are deadlines for those things. And that they've already come and gone. ["Seriously. Only on TV do people decide which college to attend on, like, Labor Day." -- Sars] Asslee says she doesn't think it would be smart to stick around Glenoak for Martin because his dad could come back anytime and get transferred to another base. And how selfish of Martin to expect Asslee to stay in town when he may not, even though Martin wasn't really expecting anything or even thinking about this until now. Martin says he needs to take a shower, because being around Asslee does tend to instill that urge. I know my water bill spikes every Monday.
Jeffrey watches a television show from the fifties and lectures Chandler about his vegetable and fungi preferences. He's all put out because there won't be any mushrooms with dinner, although he really could have just gotten some when they were at the grocery store, so, shut up, Jeffrey. And cut your hair. Jeffrey helps himself to a juice box in the fridge, whereupon he discovers the theme of this episode: alcohol. Jeffrey's all pissy that Chandler, a legal adult, would dare have wine in his own home. Apparently, Chandler promised Jeffrey his home would be alcohol-free, but then took absolutely no measures to make this happen. His punishment is our punishment: Jeffrey nags him until he dumps the wine down the sink.
RevCam and Annie walk to the house while RevCam tries to think up excuses to avoid the dinner party. What a rude git to be talking about that in a loud voice in front of the home of the people who kindly invited him over for dinner. RevCam and Annie continue to talk as they walk up to the house, and either these people have the longest driveway ever or RevCam stupidly parked down the street. RevCam whines that the Johnsons probably invited them over to ask for his advice on some stupid problem. Yeah, God forbid that RevCam should DO HIS JOB and counsel his parishioners. He's also worried that Ruthie is going to kill his young sons. No sooner does Mr. Johnson answer the door than he's asking them for help. RevCam and Annie look at each other. "At least Ruthie's fine," says Annie, with surprisingly good timing and delivery.
Ruthie and the twins appear to be playing Jenga. Ruthie asks if they want to continue the game or get dinner. "PLAY GAME!" screams the stupid twin. The other twin wants dinner, and the two begin to squabble, with the taller twin showing actual acting ability. Ruthie goes to answer the phone and tells the twins to make up their collective minds. Which aren't so collective today. There's hope for them yet!
Peter's on the phone. He asks how things are going. Ruthie says they're fine, just in time for the Jenga tower to be knocked over so loudly that Peter actually heard it on his end. Ruthie rushes over and asks what happened; Sam accuses Vid of knocking his game over. Vid claims that the tower went and jumped off the table itself. Then he points out that they can get dinner now. You know, I think I like Vid.
Ruthie rushes back to the phone and nags at Peter to come over. The Cheesy Split Screen -- which I honestly thought the 7th Heaven special effects department, if such a thing exists and is staffed by humans with at least partial brain function, had abandoned -- returns. Peter resists Ruthie's advances and says he has to spend time with his father. Ruthie claims to understand, and as she's talking, the split screen just suddenly ends, even though the phone conversation isn't over. Peter, now in a classier one-shot, says goodbye. Ruthie glares at the twins with all the steely determination of someone who's about to perform a human sacrifice. Run, Vid! Sam, you can stay put.
Kevin and Lucy sit at a table at Chez Not Pete's Poolhall. Lucy reacts with ridiculous suspicion when the maitre d' brings them a bottle of champagne. Lucy tells Kevin he's "so sweet" for ordering champagne, then refuses to have any. She's "not in the mood." I have to think that poor old Kevin hears that a lot. Maitre pours a glass for Kevin and says their waitress will be with them soon. Lucy tells Kevin to go ahead and enjoy his champagne; just because she's not having any doesn't mean he can't. Except for later in the episode, when she'll abruptly change her mind.
Ruthie brings SamVid their pizza, but there's a problem: Sam's not there. He took Happy and moved to Simon's room. Ruthie goes to find out what his problem is, and Sam explains, to the best of his very, very limited ability, that he's mad at Vid and he's moving out. Ruthie reacts to this revelation by staring around blankly. I think there was also some lip movement involved.
Jeffrey compliments Chandler on his dinner, being sure to add that he wasn't expecting it to taste good and that it would have been even better with mushrooms. Chandler's like, "Uh, thanks?" Jeffrey and his oversized t-shirt go through the cabinets in search of a salt shaker, like, what kid even asks for salt on his food, and who keeps their salt shaker in their bottom cabinet? Anyway, Jeffrey doesn't find the salt, but he does find some Marie Antoinette XII cognac wedged in between ten cans of soup and some "Pudding Snacks." Chandler grabs the bottle and says that he can't pour this down the sink; it's rich in both market and sentimental value. Jeffrey says it means a lot to him that there not be any alcohol in the house. Jeffrey needs to learn how to appreciate it when someone goes out of their way to adopt you, and to stop making demands.
RevCam tells the Johnsons that they shouldn't act "hastily" about their "big decision," which turns out, of course, to be about home decorating. They're not sure if they should paint their walls cream or brown. As RevCam looks through the color swatches, Annie just kind of looks around, frowning. It actually looked pretty funny. Catherine Hicks and Brino Quadruplet B are really on this week. Mrs. Johnson slowly explains, with way too many hand gestures, that she wants brown. But that would require new, matching furniture that Mr. Johnson doesn't want to buy. RevCam and Annie decide on brown, because they hate Mr. Johnson, I guess. I don't think anyone should take home decorating tips from two people whose idea of style is to stick flowers in an old phonograph. As Mrs. Johnson exults in wall-color-selection victory, Mr. Johnson tells the CamRents to check out the bedroom. "We have no idea what to do in there," he adds. Again, I wouldn't ask the CamRents for bedroom advice unless you, too, want the burden of seven horrible children to feed and clothe.
Martin's being quiet at dinner, so Asslee asks him what's wrong. Martin says he's been thinking about Asslee and college and stuff. Martin recaps everything Asslee just said in the beginning of the episode, and says that maybe they should break up. Asslee says they can't, since he's really the only excuse for her to still be on this show. Martin says they shouldn't get "too serious" about each other if they have no future together. Asslee responds by smirking stupidly.
Back at the restaurant, Kevin tells Lucy that he loves her, and she gets all pissy, accusing Kevin of drinking too much champagne while she was in the bathroom. He asks Lucy again if she wants champagne, to which she responds that she's "sorry" Kevin has to "ply" her with alcohol. Kevin says he's not trying to ply anything; he just wants to get his money's worth out of his two hundred dollar bottle of Cristal. Now Lucy's angry with him for spending his own money on something he thought she would enjoy.
Back at the CamPound, Sam is moving all his stuffed animals into Simon's room. Ruthie tells Sam he can't move into Simon's room because it's Simon's room. "Simon doesn't live here anymore," Sam sort of says. Watching these two interact is very, very painful. Fortunately, it's interrupted by the piercing shriek of the CamPhone. It's Paris calling, who announces herself with her first name. None of my friends' parents ever did that, but then, none of them were ever named after European cities. Cheesy Split Screen comes back to capture both sides of Ruthie and Paris's scintillating discussion for about two seconds, and then goes away. Ruthie tells Paris that Peter isn't around; Paris tells Ruthie that Peter isn't with Vic. The Clarinet of Missing Children plays its sad tune.
Mr. and Mrs. Johnson talk about their bedroom exploding with color. They want the entryway to their bedroom to be a "focal point" for the entire house, and I don't really know much about this sort of thing, but that is stupid. Shouldn't the focal point of a house be somewhere that most people will, like, see? Unless the Johnsons are part of some swingers organization, in which case, I don't want to know. The phone rings, and it's Ruthie. She tells RevCam about the Mystery of the Missing Peter in yet another Cheesy Split Screen. RevCam gets way too concerned and tells Ruthie to call Lucy and Kevin and tell them what's going on, even though they're right in the middle of celebrating their first anniversary. He says he'll be right home. RevCam and Ruthie hang up, and RevCam goes back to Annie and the Johnsons and says there's a family emergency and they need to leave. The Johnsons react with concern while Annie reacts with what appears to be a grand mal seizure. Seriously, Catherine Hicks: dial it down a few notches. The CamRents walk about two feet away from the Johnsons and Annie turns to her husband to thank him for the "phony excuse." RevCam says that there really is an emergency: Peter's missing.
Kevin begs Lucy to have some champagne. She tells him to stop pressuring her. I don't think peer pressure exists once you've reached legal age, but, oh well. Lucy proposes a deal: she'll drink if Kevin will talk about their future. Kevin's cell phone rings. Kevin sees that the CamPound is calling, and wisely passes the phone off to Lucy so he doesn't have to talk to them. Lucy listens to what Ruthie has to say, blessedly free of a Cheesy Split Screen, and says they're on their way. She tells Kevin they have to get the check. Kevin is only too happy to oblige.
Chandler tells Jeffrey that he's only had one shot of the cognac, after his dad's funeral, and it helps him remember his dad. It also somehow helps him remember not to be like him. Jeffrey says he understands, but he's still pissed that Chandler never asked him why he's so anti-alcohol. Then he goes to bed so Chandler can think about how selfish he was to talk about his dead dad.
Ruthie walks into Simon's room and orders Sam and Vid to make up and become one again. SamVid respond that they've already done this, but they've also decided to live in Simon's room. Ruthie tells them that she doesn't have time for this shit, and leaves.
The CamRents burst into the house and ask Ruthie about the status of the Search for Peter. Ruthie says there is no change. RevCam calls Paris. Paris says Vic just got into town, but she didn't tell him that Peter is missing because she doesn't think he can deal with it even though he's been sober for three years. RevCam tells Paris that Vic has "earned the right" to know about Peter, like, shut up, RevCam. Lucy and Kevin run in. "Still no Peter?" Lucy asks. Heh. Heh heh heh heh heh heh. RevCam tells Paris to sit tight at home while he, Kevin, and Vic search for Peter. That's right: Peter's own mother doesn't get to help search for her son. RevCam hangs up on Paris and tells the rest of the little women to stick around the CamPound in case Peter shows up. RevCam says he'll drive, since Kevin had a glass of champagne and the theme of this episode is to never drink.
Martin and Asslee leave the movie theater, and it turns out that neither of them saw the movie because they were both thinking about their non-fight fight. Way to waste twenty bucks there, guys. Martin says he's "scared" about Asslee going to college because, get this: he thinks she might start drinking. Because they were having a semi-realistic problem before, so let's make it so completely ridiculous as to render it unbelievable. Martin says that Asslee's friends drink, and he doesn't like it. Asslee says that she doesn't drink, and it's not like her friends are downing shots of vodka. Loser Martin says that Asslee's friends are doing something illegal and irresponsible, and since he's a "responsible person," he doesn't like being around "illegal activity." Asslee says that she doesn't understand why, if Martin was really worried about her drinking in college, he didn't just say that in the first place. Martin reminds her that she's the one who brought the whole going-away-to-college thing up. "Did I?" says Asslee. "Yeah," says Martin. Well, that wasted twenty seconds. Asslee changes the subject and asks Martin why he didn't just say something to her friends when they were drinking; Martin says he was intimidated by their advanced age. Asslee asks Martin to trust her to not give up on their relationship. He says he does and he won't. Wooo.
RevCam, Kevin, and Vic are searching the park with flashlights. Vic thinks this is stupid and says they should just wait for Peter to come home. Then he sarcastically thanks RevCam for making him share a car with drunk Kevin who apparently reeks of alcohol. Maybe he didn't want all that Cristal to go to waste, so he bathed in it. Vic says that Peter is probably with his friends "doing things he shouldn't be doing," just like every other kid his age. He did it when he was young. Then everyone looks at Vic because he obviously destroyed his entire life with the stuff he did when he was thirteen. Vic says he's a bad example. So is everyone else on this show, though, really.
Suddenly, they find Peter in the bushes with his two lame friends. "Oh no," says Peter, and I do kind of feel for the guy. Vic asks what Peter's doing while Kevin's cop sense tingles. RevCam tries to yell at the other two kids, like, shut up, RevCam. Peter gets up to leave, managing to drop a can of beer as he does so. Sad Violins play, followed by the Sadder Guitar, followed again by the Saddest Clarinet. That scene was so sad that they needed three instruments!
Kevin lectures the boys while Vic talks to RevCam about how much it sucks that Peter was drinking. RevCam nags at Vic to talk to Peter himself, to which Vic says that he really doesn't have a right, since he's only been around the past few months. RevCam tells Vic that he's "more than qualified" to talk to Peter about this particular subject. Shut up, RevCam. He adds that Vic shouldn't be afraid to yell at his son. "Go for it," says RevCam. I hate RevCam even more than usual in this episode. Kevin comes back and says he called Roxanne and she'll be taking the other guys home. RevCam says they can just bring the boys back. Kevin says he's "not sure if [he] should like this." Like what? Dressed nicely? Oh: "Drunk."
Chandler creeps into Jeffrey's bedroom. I don't think I like where this scene is going at all. Chandler asks Jeffrey if he wants to "talk about it." Jeffrey says he doesn't, then changes his mind and says that his mother wasn't an alcoholic, but she was into "other stuff" and "never in control." She ruined her life, although Jeffrey doesn't remember much of that, just what his grandmother told him. Chandler says he's sorry; he should have thought about that. "Yeah, you should have," says Jeffrey. He thought Chandler would be as anti-alcohol as he is, considering Sid's problems. Then he says that he's "surprised" that Chandler needs alcohol to remember that he's a good person. Chandler looks unduly ashamed.
Ruthie comes downstairs and asks Annie what's going on with Peter. The Piano of Disappointing News plays as Annie breaks the news that Peter was drinking. Ruthie unconvincingly says she can't believe Peter would do that. Annie makes a face like someone died, and Ruthie runs upstairs.
RevCam enters the backyard, only to see Asslee and Martin making out. He watches them for quite a while, then makes his presence known. Asslee takes off. RevCam asks Martin about his baseball game and the movie he just saw with Asslee. Martin says they didn't pay attention to the movie, so they'll see it tomorrow. RevCam stands there fantasizing about Martin and Asslee making out during a Bosco cartoon or whatever that stupid movie theater is playing this week.
RevCam and Martin enter the kitchen. Martin goes upstairs. RevCam and Annie have a serious talk about Peter's drinking. Annie says that Ruthie didn't take the news well. RevCam says he didn't either. Annie says she didn't either. No one took the news well, at all.
Kevin breaks the sad, horrible news to Lucy, who instantly passes judgment and says that Peter should have learned from his screwed-up dad. "You should have seen Vic. I really feel for him," says Kevin with no discernible emotion. The phone rings. It's Roxanne in her police uniform, calling to tell Kevin that she got the other boys home okay. And the Cheesy Split Screen returns. Roxanne asks Lucy about her anniversary dinner; Lucy starts to talk about it, and the Cheesy Split Screen abruptly ends. So does Roxanne's patience, as she asks Lucy to just tell her all about it at the Pizza Night. Then they hang up on each other.
Kevin sits down to Lucy and says he was thinking about their future. And also, the champagne wasn't worth all that money since alcohol is evil. Lucy says they can hold off on talking about their future because she wants to spend the time making out chastely.
Annie walks in the twins' bedroom to wish them goodnight, and is surprised to find that they've moved into Simon's room. This means that Annie hasn't so much as seen her young children since returning home from the dinner. Way to mother. Annie smiles at them, probably wondering who these strange children in her house are.
Chandler's pouring his cognac down the drain. He stops for a minute, apparently having come to his senses, then starts again. He looks pained. He should; Jeffrey ain't worth a six-dollar fifth of Dubra, let alone cognac worth hundreds of dollars.
Peter sort of apologizes to his parents. Paris asks him why the hell he would drink. Peter says it's no big deal; he only had a little bit. Paris says it's a really big deal, because Peter is her fourteen-year-old son. Vic says he was fifteen when he started drinking, so now Peter is doomed to repeat all his mistakes and become a total loser. But then maybe he'll be able to turn his life around before Vic did. Then he starts crying and begs Peter not to be like him, and that every day he wishes that he never started drinking in the first place. Too bad Bryan Callen's not a good enough actor to actually cry, but this scene was still better than anything any of the regulars on this show have ever done. Paris says they aren't even close to finishing this discussion, but now Peter has to go to bed.
RevCam comes in to talk to Ruthie. He says she's probably "upset" and "confused." RevCam and Ruthie agree that they have no idea why Peter would drink, and RevCam says there are no easy answers and that what Peter did was out of character. That's true, and any time this episode could have spent explaining it was instead spent on the Johnson's Decorating Dilemma. RevCam says that Peter needs their "love and support now…more than ever." Then RevCam health-class-pamphlets that Peter, as a child of an alcoholic, is more likely to become one himself. Four times more likely, in fact. And he'll need Ruthie's help or whatever. Annie walks in and asks if Ruthie's still mad at Peter. Ruthie says she is, but she's more scared than anything else.
The Lame Clear Phone rings, and RevCam answers. It's Peter, who asks if he can talk to Ruthie. In fact, he can. The CamRents stand around and listen to their conversation like the nosy assholes they are. Peter tells Ruthie he doesn't know how to apologize to Ruthie. He does so in a Cheesy Split Screen. Ruthie asks Peter why he did it; Peter says "there's no explanation" because the writers are lazy. Ruthie says she'll always "be scared" for Peter and she'll never look at him the same way again because she's a judgmental loser. Peter promises he'll never do it again, and he's going to Alateen meetings. Ruthie holds the phone under her chin and tells Peter that that's good, and she'll support him. Then she hangs up on him. Mackenzie Rosman attempts to act us into the closing credits.