I just spent my month away from the Camdens buying new stuff to make my time with them as enjoyable as possible. So this week's recap comes to you from the comfort of my new desk chair, has been typed on my fast new computer, and was recorded on my fabulous new TiVo. And I'll be drinking from a new fifth of vodka.
We open in the CamKitchen. Annie demands to know why her alarm didn't wake her up. RevCam says he turned it off so he could make Annie breakfast in bed. I thought it had been clearly established that RevCam has neither the desire, nor the ability, to cook, but whatever. Instead of being happy that her husband still does romantic things for her after so many years of marriage, Annie gets all angry and asks why RevCam would do such a thing for her. I bet he's wondering that right about now, too. Martin and Asslee look on from the table, and what the hell is Asslee even doing there this early in the morning? What a loser.
Anyway, Annie says she wanted to make breakfast for Kevin and Lucy because they're about to make the rather mature adult decision to buy a house, so why shouldn't they start their day off by having Mommy make them breakfast? Martin says Kevin and Lucy already left. Ruthie bounds downstairs just in time to add her two cents, except I'm not listening to what they are because her outfit is distractingly ugly. It's a brown zip-up hoodie with orange and white stripes across the chest, which would be fine except that it's being worn over a lime green T-shirt. Awful.
Ruthie hints not-too-subtly that she wants the Treehouse when Kevin and Lucy move out. Annie says Ruthie's too young for her own apartment, especially one as shoddily built as the Treehouse. Ruthie responds with the ridiculous logic that her being the oldest Camden still living at home automatically entitles her to whatever sleeping arrangements she desires. RevCam steps in and says that they haven't thought about what's going to happen to the apartment. Ruthie narrows her eyes and says she knows what will happen, then pointedly glares at Martin as sad music plays. Because it's sad when people glare at the children of our servicemen who are serving in Iraq, I guess.
Lucy and Kevin are sitting in some old guy's kitchen having coffee while Lucy gushes about how lucky she is to have not only found a house so close to her parents, but also one that she grew up near. I guess Everybody Loves Raymond is considered too racy for the Camdens to watch, otherwise Lucy would know just how wrong she is. She tells old Mr. Suds (I have no idea what his name is, since it was pronounced differently by each character. "Suds" is what I thought it was first, and so "Suds" it shall remain) that she remembers he gave out the best Halloween candy -- candy corn and wax lips. That sounds like the suckiest Halloween candy to me, but maybe Lucy likes wax lips so much because, when she puts them in her mouth, she gets a rare glimpse of what her face would look like had she been born with actual lips.
Mr. Suds says the only thing he remembers about Halloween is the "little hoodlums" who "soaped" his windows. I guess they don't sell eggs in Glenoak. Maybe if he got a clue and started giving out Snickers bars, that wouldn't happen. Lucy claims no responsibility for the window-soaping, and promises to carry on the Suds tradition of wax lips and candy corn for Halloween. Suds says that he'd love to sell the house to her, causing Lucy to literally squeal with delight and my eardrums to burst. Suds brings Lucy back down when he says that someone else has already put in a bid on the house. Lucy tries to convince Suds that he should sell the house to her instead, since he knows her, and that she will take good care of his house. Suds says he doesn't really care about anything except selling his house for the asking price. Lucy offers to pay more for the house. Kevin speaks up for the first time this scene to say that the house isn't worth any more than the asking price. Lucy begs him, so he says they'll pay five hundred dollars more. Lucy tells Suds that they can do better than that.
This week's Opening Credits Timewaster is Chandler and that stupid little kid from last episode sitting in a car. If the latest news about Jeremy London is true, this is going to culminate in Chandler "vandalizing" Jeffrey's phone. Should be interesting. Jeffrey makes several attempts to speak, all of which are interrupted by Chandler's shushing. Finally Jeffrey gets a word in and tells Chandler that he's too old for the silent game. Oh, nice parental move, there, Chandler -- everyone knows the silent game only works when you have multiple fighting kids in the car, because the only motivation to play the game is to do something better than your sibling. It turns out that Chandler and Jeffrey are coming from a meeting with one of Jeffrey's teachers, who is so dedicated to her craft that she agreed to see him on a Saturday. Either that, or the "writers" are so un-dedicated to their "craft" that they didn't even notice their rather obvious mistake. Now Chandler and Jeffrey are on their way to the dentist, who does, it is pointed out, keep special Saturday hours. Jeffrey asks Chandler if he wants to see his three fillings; Chandler says no. Then Jeffrey starts asking Chandler compatibility questions until Chandler gets annoyed and tells him to shut up because they have an "entire lifetime" to get to know each other. Much like poor Jeffrey has an entire lifetime to suffer self-esteem issues because his adopted dad obviously can't stand him.
Ruthie picks up the Lame Clear Phone. It's Peter calling, and so it's Peter who has to listen to Ruthie whining about doing a ton of work around the house and not getting anything for it. Peter tells her to shut up because he has a problem: he thinks Vic is seeing someone, and he needs to break that up so that his mother and father will both be single for whenever they decide to get back together. "That makes sense," Ruthie says, because like the "writers," she missed the episode where Paris made it pretty freaking clear that she has no intention of being with Vic ever again. Peter says he thinks Vic is meeting his girlfriend at the Promenade and asks Ruthie to accompany him on a spy mission. Ruthie says she'll try, but there is a pressing issue at home that may require her attention. Peter's been supportive of Ruthie through all her stupid crap, and the one time he asks for her help, she'll only give him a "maybe" because she'd rather spend the day lobbying for the garage apartment? What a selfish bitch!
In the CamKitchen, Lucy and SamVid are decorating cookies. Annie comes in and says that Mr. Suds is going to be really impressed with their cookies. The taller twin shocks me right off my new chair when he convincingly, and almost cutely, says he's a cookie monster. Then the short twin says the exact same thing but with none of the conviction and all of the speech impediments, and I remember why I hate the twins so much. Kevin enters and asks Lucy if she's trying to bribe Mr. Suds with cookies. Then RevCam comes in and tries to steal a cookie, only to have his hand swatted by Lucy. This would be a good time for RevCam to say that if Lucy's going to use his oven without paying his utility bill, then he can take whatever foodstuffs she makes in it. But he doesn't, because RevCam is a wimp.
In an unusual fit of slight generosity, Lucy announces that everyone may have one cookie, which leads RevCam to rightly suspect that Lucy wants something from in return. Lucy asks RevCam and Annie to come with her to see Mr. Suds, because their presence will somehow convince him that Lucy is capable of owning a home. The CamRents agree, until Lucy says that she doesn't want SamVid to come along. She doesn't think Mr. Suds will appreciate their company because he doesn't like retarded children. I mean, "small children."
Peter enters the house without knocking, and Ruthie runs to her mark to meet him. She asks her parents if they can go to the Promenade. Ew, her lime green shirt has a lace doily thing on the front that I didn't notice before. It's hideous! Annie tells Ruthie that she needs to watch SamVid while they go visit Mr. Suds. Ruthie snaps that Martin can do it. Annie snaps right on back that she will ask Martin since he's always helping out around the house, with all of the elbow grease and none of the attitude.
Peter and Ruthie walk into the living room, where Martin and Asslee are watching some television and not making out like any other couple their age would. Peter walks dorkily with his hands partially in his pockets and his arms swinging around. Asslee asks where they're headed, and Peter says they're going to the Promenade to "people-watch" and "maybe catch a movie, depending on what's playing and how crowded it is." Because he's eighty years old. Ruthie tells Martin he has to baby-sit. Martin says that's fine, and maybe he and Asslee can catch a movie later on. Ruthie convolutedly asks Martin not to take away the few joys she has in life by following her around. Then she grabs Peter and drags him out of the house before Martin can tell her that she really doesn't know the meaning of having few joys in life until her mom dies and her father gets stationed in Iraq. Shut up, Ruthie.
Asslee turns to Martin and asks what Ruthie's deal is. Martin says he thinks Ruthie's pissed at him for trying to get the Treehouse, even though he hasn't asked for it, since he considers himself lucky just to be able to live in the house. Asslee rasps that Ruthie was out of line and Martin should go tell on her. Martin says he won't, because that would be lame. Shut up, Asslee.
Chandler and Jeffrey continue to run extremely boring errands. Now they're off to pick up Jeffrey's grandmother's glasses. But first, Chandler has a surprise for Jeffrey. Jeffrey asks if it involves food, prompting Chandler to start yelling at him for eating too much. I don't think Chandler has a whole lot of room to talk, here. ["I'm thinking that doing three to five for aggravated assault is going to slim Chandler right down, though." -- Sars]
An arty rack focus that seems totally out of place in a crap show like this introduces us to the scene, where Peter and Ruthie are walking down the street. Peter asks Ruthie what her problem with Martin is, and Ruthie explains that blah blah blah garage apartment stealer blah. Peter says that Ruthie's too young to live in an apartment, so Ruthie starts yelling at him that if he wants her support for his thing with his dad, then he better be on her side about the garage apartment. Then she glares at him with those black, soulless eyes of hers and frightens Peter into submission. Also, the doily thing on her shirt is actually in the shape of a heart. Ugh.
Someone splurged on the location shoot budget this week, as Lucy, Kevin, Annie, and RevCam are walking up to the Suds house. Here they meet Chandler and Jeffrey. "Comical" misunderstandings ensue until everyone finally figures out that Lucy and Kevin are competing with Chandler for the house. Oh, and Chandler offered five thousand dollars over the asking price, so Kevinezer Scrooge and his piddly five hundred dollars can go to hell, can't they? Lucy starts yelling, and Mr. Suds overhears and comes to the window. Lucy greets him sweetly and says she baked him some cookies. "I have diabetes!" Mr. Suds cranks, then slams his window shut. Mr. Suds rules! Lucy tells Chandler that she "has" to have this house because it's close to her parents' house and I guess there aren't any other houses in a twenty-mile radius. Chandler meanly points out that her parents don't have a house -- they live, rent-free, in a sweet mansion provided by the church, and that house could be taken away from them at any time. And if her dad ever left the church, he would have to leave the house as well. Except that I remember when he did leave the church for almost an entire season, and they didn't take away the house. So whatever.
Finally, Jeffrey decides to get tough. He grabs a hose and tells the Camdens and the Kinkirks to get off his property. Lucy tries to start with Jeffrey, so he turns the hose on. The resulting shot of the group getting drenched in slow-motion is fucking awesome and deserves repeated viewings. Kevin chases after Jeffrey while Chandler looks on and does absolutely no parenting.
Back at the CamPound, RevCam is buttoning up his shirt. I saw way too much of that man's chest just now, and it was still a prettier sight than Ruthie's shirt. RevCam tells Annie that he's been thinking about what Chandler said about how they don't own the house, and he thinks they should buy it. Annie's mouth drops open wider than I would have thought was anatomically possible as she hugs the life out of RevCam. She says that with her maverick budgeting skills, she's figured out that they can use their savings and the "small inheritance" her dad left them for the down payment. Annie says this is so awesome; she wants to stay in the house where her kids grew up. RevCam gives Lou a call as Annie clucks happily.
In the Treehouse of Lurv, Lucy mourns her broken cookies. Kevin says they should back off the house; Chandler needs it, and it's not worth ruining their friendship. Plus, the house is overpriced and needs a lot of work. And it only has two bedrooms, so they'd have to move if they ever had a second child. "Second child"? I'm sick enough at the thought of the first child; I think a second one would kill me. Anyway, Lucy doesn't care that the house is completely wrong for them because she wants it and she wants it now. And she calls Chandler a "goober" for trying to take it. A "big goober." I guess that's 7th Heaven family-viewing-speak for "asshole." Kevin calls Lucy childish and says he's going out so she can think about what she's done.
And no sooner is he on his way out the door when Lucy is dialing Roxanne. The call interrupts Roxanne from her heretofore unknown beauty regimen of dying her hair. I hope she's making it bright pink, but I doubt anyone on this show would be so scandalous as to dye their hair an unnatural color. Lucy tells Roxanne to come over right now.
Vic is having coffee with a blonde lady. She turns towards us and it's…AUNT JULIE?! Nooooooo! Oh please, PLEASE don't let Uncle Hank show up. My heart couldn't take it. My eyes couldn't take it either. It turns out that Julie and Vic have been meeting for coffee after their AA meetings. Other people used to hang out with them, but then Vic insulted them, so they stopped coming. He told Veronica that she shouldn't substitute alcohol with pie and then called her "chubby"! Ha! I like Vic sometimes. Julie accuses Vic of not being able to deal with people he feels "emotionally unsafe" around. Vic says that's true; he feels especially uncomfortable around a lame minister friend of the family. Aunt Julie says she has a brother like that, and then they realize that they're talking about the same guy! Vic thanks God he's only had to deal with RevCam for the last few months, and not his whole life, like Aunt Julie has. "No wonder you're so fucked up, chubby," he tells her. Okay, he didn't, but I'll bet he thought it.
RevCam hands SamVid some sandwiches that are probably devoid of filling, and answers the phone. It's Lou, who delivers the good news that the board is willing to sell RevCam the house. RevCam listens while doing a bizarre happy squirm-dance thing. Lou invites RevCam over to the church to start the paperwork for the sale. RevCam hangs up the phone, and then he and Annie devolve into primates as they bump chests and make strange guttural sounds to express happiness. Then they embrace and twirl around. SamVid look on, marveling that there are actually people out there who are less intelligent than they are.
Roxanne's at the Treehouse, her hair covered with those little foils. Lucy pours her some tea and offers her cookies until Roxanne tells her to spit out whatever her emergency is, because she left nasty solution in her hair and dashed over to Lucy's house to hear it. Lucy says that her emergency is that she needs Roxanne to convince Chandler not to buy her house. By seducing him. Roxanne asks Lucy why this house is so damn important to her, and Lucy Martin Luther Kings that she has a dream. At this, Roxanne gets really pissed and accuses Lucy of being too selfish and petty to be a good minister, and yells at her for ruining Roxanne's hair. Then she storms out. That was cool.
Peter and Ruthie walk along the Promenade, with Ruthie blabbering on about how Martin shouldn't get the apartment. Peter notices his dad talking to a blonde woman whose back is to them. Yet somehow, he knows it's Aunt Julie. Ruthie's like, "Wow. My very-married Aunt Julie." Yeah, but she's married to freaking Ed Begley, Jr., so I think we can cut her a little slack here.
At the church, Jeffrey has just told Chandler that he doesn't like the house. He'd have to change schools, and the house would need a lot of noisy construction, and he doesn't want to live away from his grandmother until she dies and/or goes into a home. Chandler says Jeffrey's right and they shouldn't rush into anything; they can look for a place that they both like in Jeffrey's school district when his grandma kicks it. Then he winks at Jeffrey in a most creepy manner. I'm starting to have some impure thoughts about the nature of Chandler and Jeffrey's relationship.
Lou walks in the office and exchanges some sort of secret handshake with Jeffrey that involves high-fives and fist pounds. Lame! Lou tells Chandler that RevCam just left after finding out that he couldn't afford the church's million-dollar mansion. I would have loved to see the scene where Lou crapped on Eric's dreams. Chandler asks to talk to Lou in private, and tells Jeffrey to draw or something. Jeffrey tells Chandler to hurry up because he's "easily bored." So am I, not like that's ever stopped anyone on this show.
A disgruntled waitress walks up and offers Julie and Vic more coffee. Vic asks her if she likes having customers like them. Waitress says it's a real fucking pleasure to have people seated at one of her tables for four hours who order nothing but constant refills of coffee. Six, to be exact. Wow, I'm surprised those two haven't launched right out of their seats with that much caffeine in their systems. Vic tells Waitress that both she and her coffee are bitter. Then he notices two dorky thirteen-year-olds spying on him from behind the fake bushes. He summons them to the table and introduces Peter to Julie, although no introductions are needed, since Julie's apparently met Peter before. Julie introduces Ruthie to Vic, who says that he and Ruthie go back "a long way." "My dad is Aunt Julie's brother," Ruthie says, even though everyone's obviously figured that out already. Shut up, Ruthie. The adults clear up that they are not dating, just having a post-AA-meeting meeting. Peter says he must have gotten his snooping habit from Ruthie, to which Ruthie gives him a sarcastic laugh and eye-roll that's probably the most convincing acting she's ever done. Although I have to imagine that Mackenzie Rosman has perfected that move after years of reading the lines she's supposed to say. Vic tells Peter that he needs to trust him. To not date married women? He leaves to take the kids home. Julie leaves the table, too. No one pays for the coffee; nor do they leave a tip. That waitress is going to hunt them down and kill them.
Martin and Asslee look at some of Martin's family photos. Asslee asks about a picture of a house, and Martin says it's his favorite of all the houses he's lived in. All the other kids on the base wanted to come over, but Martin's pretty sure it wasn't because he was popular. I'd say that's a safe bet. He thinks it was because his friends always wanted to hang out with his mom. Asslee asks Martin if it was difficult to have to move around all the time. Martin says it obviously was, but he learned that "it's not about the house; it's about the people in house." What is "it"?
Kevin paces along the Promenade until Roxanne walks up, sporting some major highlights. I guess this is supposed to be her ruined hair, but it really doesn't look that bad. And if Roxanne invested in a hairbrush, it would look even better. She thanks Kevin for meeting her, and asks what Lucy's deal is. Kevin says he's trying to stay away from Lucy. Roxanne says she just wanted to warn Kevin that she totally told Lucy off, and he can expect her to take it out on him. Kevin smirks and laughs as Roxanne tells him that his wife wanted her to whore herself out so she could get a house. Kevin says he loves Lucy "madly," but she's "insane" when she gets an idea in her head. And when she gets like that, Kevin prefers to get the hell outta there.
RevCam walks into the kitchen as Annie puts the finishing frosting touches on a chocolate cake. Uh oh. Annie and RevCam agree that they're disappointed about not being to buy the house, but they should be grateful that they've been able to live in that house for so long. But they aren't. "Evidently, we've been living way beyond our means for years without ever knowing it," RevCam says. I guess it never occurred to them that tiny pints of ice cream, individual bottled waters, and dinners for the entire damn neighborhood are not good ways to save money. Even though it occurred to anyone who's ever watched this show. Annie continues to waste money by overly frosting the cake while the two try to convince themselves that not having to pay for housing is a good thing. I wouldn't need much convincing to think that not having to pay for housing is a really good thing, but then, I'm not as ridiculously illogical as the CamRents.
RevCam leaves the room and runs into Ruthie on the stairs. She tells him that she saw his sister with her boyfriend's dad earlier. RevCam wonders if his name has ever come up. Ruthie says it probably has. Then she asks who's getting the garage apartment. RevCam says Martin might like it, and Ruthie goes off on how unfair that is and how Martin's not even a Camden. "Just because he has dreamy eyes and a killer softball curveball [long pause while Mackenzie Rosman attempts to remember her lines] that's gonna get him into the big leagues, doesn't mean he should get everything he wants," Ruthie whines. RevCam sits Ruthie down and tells her some lie about how Martin needs the garage apartment more than she does because he needs privacy for studying. And besides, Ruthie loves being around people, specifically spying on them. She won't be able to spy from the apartment. And then RevCam wouldn't be able to get valuable information out of her. This family is so screwed. Ruthie says she still wants the apartment. "Sorry," RevCam says, and leaves. Ha! Suck on it, Ruthie! Your adorable-child charm spell has finally worn off your family!
Lucy calls Chandler to tell him that she's decided not to go after the house. She was being selfish, and she's ashamed of herself. She credits Roxanne for helping her realize that. Both Chandler and Lucy are surprised that someone as morally bankrupt as that WHORE Roxanne would have had something positive to teach. Shut up, Lucy and Chandler. Chandler tells Lucy that he's decided to pass on the house, because Jeffrey hated it and Chandler hates Jeffrey. Chandler says that the only reason why he even wanted the house was that it was close to the CamRents, so he'd be able to solicit their advice when he needed child-raising tips or repairs. Okay, number one: Have any of these people ever heard of a car? And number two: Annie's home repair skills manifested themselves in the dubious achievement of the Treehouse, so I think Chandler might be better off without her. Chandler says he withdrew his offer on the house, causing Lucy to just hang up on him without saying goodbye.
RevCam answers the phone, since this entire freaking show revolves around phone conversations. It's Lou, and he'll have the house paperwork ready for Annie and RevCam to sign in two weeks. It turns out that Chandler is buying the house for RevCam and Annie. "Chandler is buying the house for us -- what are you talking about?" RevCam says. Lou hangs up on him. Ha!
Night has befallen the CamPound. Ruthie wanders into Martin's room. Now I see that the heart doily on her shirt is covered in glitter. Disgusting. Ruthie apologizes and tells Martin that he should make the room into his own. "When this was my room, I went through a serious Hello Kitty phase," she says. As did we all. Ruthie says if Martin "needs" a "sister" to help him "feel at home," she can do just that. Also, the t-shirt is not a t-shirt after all; it's a tank top, and one of its straps has fallen off Ruthie's shoulder, exposing her bra strap. Kill me. Martin manages to not run out of the room screaming at this generous offer, and says he doesn't want the garage apartment. Ruthie, her bra strap now thankfully covered, says she'll let everyone know. "I'm sure," Martin says.
RevCam and Annie are sitting around the home office. They smile at each other and hold hands across his desk. Then Chandler comes in. He says Jeffrey's waiting in the living room. Chandler asks if they called him over about the house he was trying to buy for them. RevCam says yes. Well, in that case, Chandler has a long, boring speech to make. Basically, he wants to buy the house because he really likes the CamRents and he has inheritance money to burn. And he thinks that the CamRents should receive as much as they've given others over the past eight years. RevCam rudely asks Chandler if he's finished, and tells him to park it, because it's his turn to make a speech and his delivery will be even more halting and filled with even faker emotion. RevCam says that he and Annie decided that they didn't want to buy the house, because RevCam finally remembered that he's a minister and he's supposed to talk about God once in a while. And God gave him the house for however long they'll have it, and he'll take it away when they shouldn't have it anymore. So…Lou is God? That's cool, I guess.
RevCam starts crying, and I wonder if Stephen Collins has it in his contract that he has to cry in every damn episode. Annie's eyes well up with tears also, and she grimaces hideously. She thanks Chandler for his attempt at generosity, and says that it helped them remember what's really important in life. "And that's a good place to be," Annie whispers. Chandler says he's disappointed now because he thought they invited him over to celebrate that he brought their house for them. A celebration that was to involve copious amounts of delicious, delicious food, Chandler thinks, his mouth watering. Annie says they can still celebrate. They can celebrate good friends. Well, that's gonna be a hell of a time.
Lucy massages Kevin's shoulders as penance for being whiny. God, Kevin is an asshole. Roxanne barges in and apologizes to Lucy for saying all those things to her and not realizing that sometimes Lucy's crazy, so she cannot be held responsible for destroying her hair. That apology sucks, but Lucy accepts it. So everyone is still friends. Roxanne says she found out that Chandler isn't buying the house after all, so Lucy and Kevin should be able to buy it. While this isn't news to Lucy, it is to Kevin, so Roxanne leaves them to talk it over.
Kevin asks if Lucy wants to buy the house; Lucy says she actually doesn't, because she's realized that it doesn't matter where they live as long as they love each other. Also, Mr. Suds sold the house to the church. Apparently, the church decided to diversify its portfolio by investing in real estate. I didn't even know that churches had portfolios. Anyway, Mr. Suds sold his house to them for below market value in the hopes that this would get him into Heaven. I thought one of the reasons why Protestantism existed was to protest the Catholic Church's selling of indulgences, but I guess no one in Glenoak has studied medieval history. Also, I can't understand how this show can go from saying that a minister shouldn't own property to having churches buying houses in just one scene. It's really pretty amazing. Kevin says that they now somehow have an extra five hundred dollars, and they should go out tomorrow night. Five hundred dollars? That's a lot of sandwiches and movie tickets.
RevCam lets Annie do all the work as she carries a party platter into the living room. They find Chandler and Jeffrey asleep on their couch. "I think Jeffrey has found a home in Chandler," RevCam says. Oh, ew.
And now there's filler montage of everyone getting ready for bed. Happy appears to be ripping up one of RevCam's bathrobes. I think she's trying to make a statement about how maybe, if RevCam didn't blow his money on stupid stuff like that, he would have been able to buy the house. Martin tries his hand at home decorating by putting a picture of his favorite base house on the wall. Kevin and Lucy snuggle chastely on the couch. RevCam and Annie make out in the kitchen for like ten minutes. And I've gone blind, so I guess this recap's over.