The show opens with organ music and an exterior shot of the Glenoak Community Church. Inside, we see that RevCam is actually doing his job for the first time in about three seasons. Not that I'm particularly pleased about this, mind you -- just surprised. He speed-walks to the podium/pulpit and begins the sermon by greeting the audience, which responds by rousing itself from its collective sleep and murmuring. RevCam says he had a sermon "all written out and ready to go," but then he "read the paper. And as [he] flipped through the pages, something occurred to [him]." And that thing was that, even after all these years, "Family Circus" has still retained its uniquely hilarious combination of Midwestern charm, Christian values, and kooky puns. Also, since September 11th, "the news, in the world, hasn't been very good." You know, as opposed to before September 11th, when the news was always totally awesome and good. Now the world is filled with "war, murder, political unrest, stock market problems, CEOs bankrupting corporations, racial problems, terrorism, governments running out of money, [and] kids committing crimes." First of all, Eric, that was your kid. And second of all, way to make a ridiculously general list in order to prove a point without actually having to back it up with specifics.
"I know that you find this news as upsetting as I do," says RevCam, at which point one member of the audience expresses his upset-edness with a light cough. "I hear it in our phone conversations. I read it in your letters and emails." You'd think that there would be some audience reaction to RevCam's admission of tapping the town's phones, hacking their computers, and steaming open their letters, but no. RevCam says that he has an idea of how to combat this problem of sad news, at which point random people start passing out slips of paper. RevCam jumps out from behind his podium and takes it to the aisles, saying that everyone has a "special talent" that he or she can use to help someone in need. For example, any plumbers or carpenters could volunteer their time and skills to fixing up the church. So not only did RevCam obviously decide to go out last night instead of writing a real sermon, but he's also trying to score some free remodeling for the CamPound with his ad-libbed sermon. While RevCam suggests other things that people could do, Stephen Collins and the camera operator engage in what appears to be a sick game of Chicken. Every time the camera moves in on RevCam's big face, Collins moves in too, until finally one of them gives up and backs off. I'm not sure who wins the game, but I know that we, the audience, are the losers. Lucy laughs at RevCam's suggestion that a stay-at-home mother could cook dinner for a working mother's children, because it's a lot less trouble to just steal dinner from one's parents every night. RevCam says that even just praying for someone who needs a little extra help is acceptable, at which point SamVid smiles as if they are capable of the talking and mental focus that this simple task would require. As Chandler bravely tries not to doze off, RevCam tells his flock that they are to write down a commitment to do something for someone "other than [themselves]" -- yes, RevCam actually felt the need to throw that in there because he knows his congregation is full of selfish assholes like himself -- in the coming year. He wants the collection plate to be filled with commitments instead of cash. The CamKids mumble nervously to themselves that this could mean the end of their expensive wardrobes and half-gallon containers of milk. RevCam tells his remarkably ugly congregation to be "the wind beneath the wings of our faith." The Saxophone of Combining Two Cheesy Ideals into One Lame Clich plays us into the theme song.
“ Happy runs off to get help, which comes in the form of horrible Asslee. Piss-poor effort, there, Happy -- Lassie would have brought the entire fire department by now, and all you could get is the sister of a semi-famous pop singer. ”
And who's not in the credits today? That's right, it's Simon, thus finally giving Beverley Mitchell the coveted third spot in the credits. Also not in the credits is Martin, which is the wind beneath the wings of my hope that he'll never come back.
A funked-up guitar plays us into the Opening Credits Timewaster. It's the twins lathering up their hands. Then they rinse in the toilet bowl. Happy runs off to get help, which comes in the form of horrible Asslee. Piss-poor effort, there, Happy -- Lassie would have brought the entire fire department by now, and all you could get is the sister of a semi-famous pop singer. She shows the twins back to the sink and turns it on for them so they can wash their hands properly. You know, maybe if someone in the house would realize that the bathroom sink is about a foot higher than the children who need to use it and get them a stool or something to stand on, they wouldn't have to use the toilet. Hell, the toilet is probably what's kept them from dying of thirst, too. That's right -- the toilet is a better mother than Annie.
Ruthie comes downstairs to exposit that Annie is visiting her dad again. I wonder how many times she'll visit him before she realizes that he died last year. I'm not complaining about her absence, just the rather tacky way this show is using the real-life death of one of its recurring characters as an excuse for Catherine Hicks's absence during what must be one hell of a contract dispute. RevCam asks if Peter will be staying for the dinner that RevCam miraculously learned to cook during his week off, at which point Ruthie and Peter have an actual difference of opinion. Ruthie tells Peter to eat dinner with his mom for the first time in weeks, since she must be getting lonely by now. Peter says she's fine. Probably because she's spending her alone time having hot sex with whatever twenty-year-old guy she can get her hands on. As Ruthie rolls her eyes and stomps off to set an extra place at the table for her needy boyfriend, Peter sucks up to RevCam about how inspiring his service was, and how RevCam is "the Gandhi of Glenoak." "Thanks," says RevCam, totally believing this line. Sadly, he does not leave our television screens immediately for India to go make sea salts. Or, even better, take a vow of celibacy that would establish, once and for all, that there will be no new CamKids for me to deal with. RevCam asks what Ruthie and Peter are planning to do for his stupid gimmicky Be Good to People plan. Ruthie says that, although she had some difficulty choosing just one from her incredible wealth of talents, she's decided that she's going to use her talent at making friends to sit with Jill, the new girl in school, at lunch. Um, when did Ruthie get this talent? Last I heard, she and the rest of her horrible family weren't able to make friends. Peter says he hasn't thought of anything, then asks RevCam what he's going to do. RevCam says that his commitment is to help everyone else fulfill their commitments. Peter decides that his comparison of RevCam to Gandhi has found a flaw, because Gandhi "got his hands dirty" (which is just a little bit of an understatement), and RevCam sits around and tells people what to do (not an understatement whatsoever). Peter basically tells RevCam not to be a hypocrite and to do what he's telling everyone else to as Ruthie drags him upstairs. RevCam cuts a vegetable and screws up his face because he probably just sliced through his thumb. Silly RevCam -- even Gandhi knew to you're supposed to cut away from your fingers.
“ Chandler whisper-asks Roxanne how long she's going to keep coming to church, as her presence is making him uncomfortable. 'Well, that's your problem, not mine, Reverend,' Roxanne says awesomely. ”
Kevin enters the Treehouse of Lurv and is pleased to see Lucy doing some housework. He rewards her wifeyness with three chaste kisses and tells Lucy that he's in a great mood, because he's found the best way to use his special talents and skills for the community. He's going to re-wire some of his circuits and turn himself into a giant wireless modem so everyone in town can enjoy the freedom of internet access wherever and whenever they so desire. He may also have mentioned something about starting a Neighborhood Watch program. Lucy sounds excited about this, until Kevin tells her that he wants to do it with her. Lucy passive-aggressively shows her discontent with this idea by pressing her iron down on a pair of Kevin's pants for a good minute, although, magically, they don't burn. Kevin explains that this will be a great way for them to spend time together. Lucy lies her agreement, which pleases Kevin so much that he gives her a peck on the cheek. Would anyone be disappointed in me if I said that Kevin looks pretty cute in that sweater? I'm so sorry.
Asslee drags poor SamVid down the stairs, where they meet RevCam. He tells them to wash up for dinner. "All cleeeeeeeeeeeeeeean!" SamVid responds, forgetting to add that they achieved this goal in the CamPound's germ-ridden toilet bowl. Close-talker RevCam tells Asslee that he doesn't know "how to thank [her]" for helping out while Annie's away. I'll bet he's got a couple of ideas, though, seeing how he holds his hands mere inches away from her chest while inviting her to stay for dinner. Of course, Asslee accepts. There is some fighting amongst SamVid as to who will sit to Asslee, but this is quickly resolved so that Asslee can bend over in front of the camera and show us some Ass-ass as she walks the twins into the kitchen. RevCam totally checks her out while stammering that he needs to "make a phone call." Is that what they're calling it now? I am so out of the loop.
Roxanne walks into RevCam's church office. The ugliest tapestry on the planet hangs in the hallway, because Glenoak Community Church prefers to think outside of the stereotype that churches are beautifully-decorated places of worship, and chooses to be drab and tacky. Roxanne puts a piece of paper on RevCam's desk as Chandler comes into the room. Not too pleased to see him, Roxanne says that she just came to drop off her commitment paper, and now she's going. Chandler whisper-asks Roxanne how long she's going to keep coming to church, as her presence is making him uncomfortable. "Well, that's your problem, not mine, Reverend," Roxanne says awesomely. Chandler whisper-whines that he just doesn't want her to go to this specific church anymore. Roxanne rolls her eyes and turns to leave. Chandler asks her to just admit that the only reason why she's even coming to church is because she's still in love with him. I must add that Chandler says this charming line with his eyes half-closed and his hair looking especially greasy, which must be why Roxanne finds it pretty easy to refuse to admit anything.
“ RevCam enters and almost walks into an armchair. I think Stephen Collins has taken to drinking to get himself through filming. ”
Carlos is pacing around the CamDen. RevCam enters and almost walks into an armchair. I think Stephen Collins has taken to drinking to get himself through filming. The two men shake hands, and Carlos expresses his delight in jetBlue's air service. Then Carlos tells RevCam that he has no intention of converting from Catholicism, if that's why RevCam asked him here. RevCam says he would never ask him to do that; he invited Carlos to dinner because he wanted to get to know his daughter's husband. "Mary and I haveuhhad our differences over the years, and, well, it could be very easy for all of us to lose contact." So easy, in fact, that it's already happened. Anyway, it turns out that RevCam's commitment for the year is to get to know Carlos better and to stay in touch with his daughter, be it through phone calls, emails, or visits -- "whatever it takes." Way to set aside one year to do what every father is supposed to do anyway, RevAss. RevCam welcomes Carlos to the family, and they hug and cry. RevCam ruins the moment by offering Carlos a sandwich since he missed dinner (and how does one miss a dinner in his own honor? RevCam can't put it in the fridge until Carlos arrives? Dick), and then snidely saying that Carlos's Catholicism is "interesting."
Kevin stands outside what appears to be the Treehouse of Lurv's spacious walk-in closet and announces that he's not going anywhere. Because his legs rusted over. Lucy exits the closet and says that she doesn't want to do the Neighborhood Watch -- she wants to do her own project, Habitat for Humanity. ["Aw, continuity!" -- Sars] She asks Kevin if he's mad at her. He says he's only mad that she ditched the meeting with Det. Michaels instead of telling him the truth. They hug and profess their love for one another. And of course, no show would be complete without Kevin talking down to his hilariously faulted wife that she should always tell him if something's bothering her. "We're in the marriage together," Kevin adds. "That's what my dad said!" says Lucy. Ewwww.
Chandler and Roxanne are still going at it on her couch. They finally come up for air, and Chandler asks if they're back together again. Roxanne says that nothing has changed. Chandler asks if Roxanne is still going to date Paul. Roxanne says she probably will, and that's okay, since it's not like she's with anyone right now. Chandler says that he's going to move on, just like RevCam told him to. Roxanne has the nerve to look sad and angry about this, although maybe she's just sad and angry at herself for being on this show.