The show opens with organ music and an exterior shot of the Glenoak Community Church. Inside, we see that RevCam is actually doing his job for the first time in about three seasons. Not that I'm particularly pleased about this, mind you -- just surprised. He speed-walks to the podium/pulpit and begins the sermon by greeting the audience, which responds by rousing itself from its collective sleep and murmuring. RevCam says he had a sermon "all written out and ready to go," but then he "read the paper. And as [he] flipped through the pages, something occurred to [him]." And that thing was that, even after all these years, "Family Circus" has still retained its uniquely hilarious combination of Midwestern charm, Christian values, and kooky puns. Also, since September 11th, "the news, in the world, hasn't been very good." You know, as opposed to before September 11th, when the news was always totally awesome and good. Now the world is filled with "war, murder, political unrest, stock market problems, CEOs bankrupting corporations, racial problems, terrorism, governments running out of money, [and] kids committing crimes." First of all, Eric, that was your kid. And second of all, way to make a ridiculously general list in order to prove a point without actually having to back it up with specifics.
"I know that you find this news as upsetting as I do," says RevCam, at which point one member of the audience expresses his upset-edness with a light cough. "I hear it in our phone conversations. I read it in your letters and emails." You'd think that there would be some audience reaction to RevCam's admission of tapping the town's phones, hacking their computers, and steaming open their letters, but no. RevCam says that he has an idea of how to combat this problem of sad news, at which point random people start passing out slips of paper. RevCam jumps out from behind his podium and takes it to the aisles, saying that everyone has a "special talent" that he or she can use to help someone in need. For example, any plumbers or carpenters could volunteer their time and skills to fixing up the church. So not only did RevCam obviously decide to go out last night instead of writing a real sermon, but he's also trying to score some free remodeling for the CamPound with his ad-libbed sermon. While RevCam suggests other things that people could do, Stephen Collins and the camera operator engage in what appears to be a sick game of Chicken. Every time the camera moves in on RevCam's big face, Collins moves in too, until finally one of them gives up and backs off. I'm not sure who wins the game, but I know that we, the audience, are the losers. Lucy laughs at RevCam's suggestion that a stay-at-home mother could cook dinner for a working mother's children, because it's a lot less trouble to just steal dinner from one's parents every night. RevCam says that even just praying for someone who needs a little extra help is acceptable, at which point SamVid smiles as if they are capable of the talking and mental focus that this simple task would require. As Chandler bravely tries not to doze off, RevCam tells his flock that they are to write down a commitment to do something for someone "other than [themselves]" -- yes, RevCam actually felt the need to throw that in there because he knows his congregation is full of selfish assholes like himself -- in the coming year. He wants the collection plate to be filled with commitments instead of cash. The CamKids mumble nervously to themselves that this could mean the end of their expensive wardrobes and half-gallon containers of milk. RevCam tells his remarkably ugly congregation to be "the wind beneath the wings of our faith." The Saxophone of Combining Two Cheesy Ideals into One Lame Cliché plays us into the theme song.
And who's not in the credits today? That's right, it's Simon, thus finally giving Beverley Mitchell the coveted third spot in the credits. Also not in the credits is Martin, which is the wind beneath the wings of my hope that he'll never come back.
A funked-up guitar plays us into the Opening Credits Timewaster. It's the twins lathering up their hands. Then they rinse in the toilet bowl. Happy runs off to get help, which comes in the form of horrible Asslee. Piss-poor effort, there, Happy -- Lassie would have brought the entire fire department by now, and all you could get is the sister of a semi-famous pop singer. She shows the twins back to the sink and turns it on for them so they can wash their hands properly. You know, maybe if someone in the house would realize that the bathroom sink is about a foot higher than the children who need to use it and get them a stool or something to stand on, they wouldn't have to use the toilet. Hell, the toilet is probably what's kept them from dying of thirst, too. That's right -- the toilet is a better mother than Annie.
Ruthie comes downstairs to exposit that Annie is visiting her dad again. I wonder how many times she'll visit him before she realizes that he died last year. I'm not complaining about her absence, just the rather tacky way this show is using the real-life death of one of its recurring characters as an excuse for Catherine Hicks's absence during what must be one hell of a contract dispute. RevCam asks if Peter will be staying for the dinner that RevCam miraculously learned to cook during his week off, at which point Ruthie and Peter have an actual difference of opinion. Ruthie tells Peter to eat dinner with his mom for the first time in weeks, since she must be getting lonely by now. Peter says she's fine. Probably because she's spending her alone time having hot sex with whatever twenty-year-old guy she can get her hands on. As Ruthie rolls her eyes and stomps off to set an extra place at the table for her needy boyfriend, Peter sucks up to RevCam about how inspiring his service was, and how RevCam is "the Gandhi of Glenoak." "Thanks," says RevCam, totally believing this line. Sadly, he does not leave our television screens immediately for India to go make sea salts. Or, even better, take a vow of celibacy that would establish, once and for all, that there will be no new CamKids for me to deal with. RevCam asks what Ruthie and Peter are planning to do for his stupid gimmicky Be Good to People plan. Ruthie says that, although she had some difficulty choosing just one from her incredible wealth of talents, she's decided that she's going to use her talent at making friends to sit with Jill, the new girl in school, at lunch. Um, when did Ruthie get this talent? Last I heard, she and the rest of her horrible family weren't able to make friends. Peter says he hasn't thought of anything, then asks RevCam what he's going to do. RevCam says that his commitment is to help everyone else fulfill their commitments. Peter decides that his comparison of RevCam to Gandhi has found a flaw, because Gandhi "got his hands dirty" (which is just a little bit of an understatement), and RevCam sits around and tells people what to do (not an understatement whatsoever). Peter basically tells RevCam not to be a hypocrite and to do what he's telling everyone else to as Ruthie drags him upstairs. RevCam cuts a vegetable and screws up his face because he probably just sliced through his thumb. Silly RevCam -- even Gandhi knew to you're supposed to cut away from your fingers.
Kevin enters the Treehouse of Lurv and is pleased to see Lucy doing some housework. He rewards her wifeyness with three chaste kisses and tells Lucy that he's in a great mood, because he's found the best way to use his special talents and skills for the community. He's going to re-wire some of his circuits and turn himself into a giant wireless modem so everyone in town can enjoy the freedom of internet access wherever and whenever they so desire. He may also have mentioned something about starting a Neighborhood Watch program. Lucy sounds excited about this, until Kevin tells her that he wants to do it with her. Lucy passive-aggressively shows her discontent with this idea by pressing her iron down on a pair of Kevin's pants for a good minute, although, magically, they don't burn. Kevin explains that this will be a great way for them to spend time together. Lucy lies her agreement, which pleases Kevin so much that he gives her a peck on the cheek. Would anyone be disappointed in me if I said that Kevin looks pretty cute in that sweater? I'm so sorry.
Asslee drags poor SamVid down the stairs, where they meet RevCam. He tells them to wash up for dinner. "All cleeeeeeeeeeeeeeean!" SamVid responds, forgetting to add that they achieved this goal in the CamPound's germ-ridden toilet bowl. Close-talker RevCam tells Asslee that he doesn't know "how to thank [her]" for helping out while Annie's away. I'll bet he's got a couple of ideas, though, seeing how he holds his hands mere inches away from her chest while inviting her to stay for dinner. Of course, Asslee accepts. There is some fighting amongst SamVid as to who will sit to Asslee, but this is quickly resolved so that Asslee can bend over in front of the camera and show us some Ass-ass as she walks the twins into the kitchen. RevCam totally checks her out while stammering that he needs to "make a phone call." Is that what they're calling it now? I am so out of the loop.
Roxanne walks into RevCam's church office. The ugliest tapestry on the planet hangs in the hallway, because Glenoak Community Church prefers to think outside of the stereotype that churches are beautifully-decorated places of worship, and chooses to be drab and tacky. Roxanne puts a piece of paper on RevCam's desk as Chandler comes into the room. Not too pleased to see him, Roxanne says that she just came to drop off her commitment paper, and now she's going. Chandler whisper-asks Roxanne how long she's going to keep coming to church, as her presence is making him uncomfortable. "Well, that's your problem, not mine, Reverend," Roxanne says awesomely. Chandler whisper-whines that he just doesn't want her to go to this specific church anymore. Roxanne rolls her eyes and turns to leave. Chandler asks her to just admit that the only reason why she's even coming to church is because she's still in love with him. I must add that Chandler says this charming line with his eyes half-closed and his hair looking especially greasy, which must be why Roxanne finds it pretty easy to refuse to admit anything.
RevCam calls Carlos, who has to run down a staircase with a banister that appears to be made of garroting wire to get the phone. Carlos has some difficulty ascertaining the identity of the caller, which is perfectly understandable when you consider that this is probably the first time RevCam's called his own daughter in two seasons. There's a funny moment when Carlos calls RevCam "Colonel," followed by an even funnier one when, after finally figuring out who Eric is, Carlos says he'll tell Mary that he called and totally hangs up on him. See how it feels, RevCam! RevCam calls back and tells Carlos that he wanted to speak to him, not Mary. In fact, he wants to talk to Carlos face-to-face, hombre a hombre, so why doesn't Carlos score a free flight pass from Mary and come to California tomorrow in time for dinner. "But Mary won't be home for two days!" Carlos says. "I don't want Mary to come," says RevCam, apparently knowing that the relative success of Jessica Biel's new movie could very well mean that we'll never have to see her again. Carlos says that if it's important, he'll be there. RevCam says it is, then gets his revenge by hanging up on Carlos without saying goodbye.
The sun rises over the CamPound as RevCam puts tiny cartons of orange juice and what appears to be soy milk in the fridge. Catherine Hicks puts in her first (and sadly, not last) appearance of the show by calling RevCam. You can tell she's calling from Arizona because there's a cactus in the background. No, seriously. Is it a good idea to have a huge cactus in a house with an Alzheimer's patient? "It's so good to hear your voice, I really miss you," RevCam lies. Annie pretends to be interested in RevCam's stupid commitment sermon, then demands to speak to SamVid. RevCam says that Asslee has the "day off" school (do you think the Glenoak public school system shut down so everyone could finish writing out their commitments to RevCam? I do.), so she took them out to see what must be the earliest movie matinee ever, followed by a trip to the zoo, and then the park. Annie's Clownface of Anger flares up, but she says nothing.
In the Treehouse of Lurv, Kevin has decided to do that sweater one better by wearing no shirt at all. HELL-O! Kevin tells Lucy that they're going to meet with Det. Michaels after school to plan their Neighborhood Watch project. Lucy says nothing, and Kevin shows some rare insight into human behavior and asks her what's wrong. Lucy feels insecure about her complete lack of criminal justice experience, apparently under the mistaken impression that it takes any ability at anything whatsoever to be a part of the Neighborhood Watch. Aren't most Neighborhood Watch programs in place to give everyone a reduction in home insurance? Lucy fears that Kevin feels obligated to include her in his plan, to which Kevin says that he wants to do it with her, and would only be disappointed if she didn't do it without him. Then he kisses her on the cheek and goes back into the bathroom. Even though she has every opportunity to tell Kevin that she doesn't want to be a part of the stupid Neighborhood Watch program, Lucy chooses instead to make passive-aggressive sad faces.
In the school cafeteria, Ruthie sees Jill the New Kid and moves to sit with her. Peter follows. Ruthie spins around and bitches at him to find his own project and eat dinner at his own house sometimes. This is true, but I think Ruthie could have said it a little more kindly. Also, her bra strap is showing. I don't want to see that. Peter doesn't understand what Ruthie is saying, so she spells it out for him: Y-O-U A-R-E S-M-O-T-H-E-R-I-N-G M-E. She leaves Peter to pick up the piece of his heart that she just ripped out of his chest, threw on the floor, and stepped on, and sits down in front of Jill. Jill snappishly demands to know the identity and purpose of the creepy blond boy behind Ruthie. Ruthie introduces him as her "friend" and says that he's just mad because he usually eats with her, but today she wanted to eat with Jill. Jill says she'd much rather eat alone. Ha! Ruthie asks if maybe she and Jill could get together sometime because Ruthie doesn't know her as well as she'd like to. "That's because you've never talked to me before!" Jill snots. Ruthie points out that this is because Jill is new. "I've been going to this school for months," Jill replies. Yeah, Jill! Tell it! Jill again asks Ruthie why Peter is scowling at her. Ruthie tells her to ignore him. Jill says she can't and she won't, and leaves. On any other show with any other character, I would say that Jill is a snotty little girl who sucks. But since she's on this show and is dissing one of the most horrible television characters ever, I say that Jill rocks. Jill rocks hardcore.
Over on what is very obviously the hospital set slightly made over to look like an at-risk teen counseling center, Chandler is talking to some guy about volunteering for the program. Fans of Guiding Light may remember the actor who plays this guy as Zachary, the mysterious angel who sort of dated Michelle Bauer until he just as mysteriously left the show. Those fans might also remember that it was around this time that Michael "Roger" Zaslow, who was on the show on and off for over twenty years, was fired because in real life he had Lou Gehrig's disease, and the show said that they didn't want the character he played to become a "wizened old man." I don't know what else there is to remember after that, as I haven't watched it since. Anyway, the counseling guy asks Chandler why he's doing this, to which Chandler responds, incredibly slowly, that it's part of a project for his church, and also because he and his ex-girlfriend were going to do it together, but then they broke up. Counseling guy starts asking nosy questions about the ex-girlfriend and how Chandler currently gets along with her. Chandler says they don't get along very well. Counseling guy says that's too bad, then opens the door to reveal that -- shocking coincidence! -- Roxanne is already there.
Peter and Ruthie walk through the school corridors. Do they ever have class? Ruthie says that she's going to try to talk to Jill after school by going to her apartment. Peter says he'll meet her after math so they can walk over there together. "No," says Ruthie. Peter Peter Clue Needer says that he wants to use his talent to help Ruthie. "You're my project. Like your dad said, 'Pick something you're good at doing.'" Good at "doing"? I'd cry if it weren't so incredibly unlikely that Ruthie would have sex before marriage, or that Peter would be good at it. Ruthie slams her locker and tells Peter that she wants to help Jill all by herself, and Peter can't make another person his project anyway. Peter points out that Ruthie made Jill her project. Ruthie says that's different, because "Jill needs help." Either Jill became suicidal off-screen, or Ruthie's passing judgments on other people again. Then she basically tells Peter to get a life by referencing the sage advice of Dr. Phil on improving relationships by developing outside interests. Peter looks like he's about to cry.
Carlos paces in front of the gate to his plane while an airport worker nags him to decide if he's getting on the plane or not. Then the worker bad-actingly threatens to call security. Hmmm…airport security guard + Carlos = another successful 7th Heaven relationship?
Over in Glenoak PD Blue, Det. Michaels wears a sex-ay shoulder holster and asks Kevin what's making Lucy late for their super-special Neighborhood Watch planning meeting. Needless to say, Kevin has no idea. Det. Michaels says that it's okay; he's got lots of free time tonight and they can reschedule the meeting for then. Kevin says he can't, because he has to pick up Carlos from the airport. Um, why does Kevin have to do this? He's RevCam's son-in-law, not his personal chauffeur. Det. Michaels nosily asks if everything is okay. Again, Kevin is clueless. Annoyed, Det. Michaels says he'll try to meet with them later in the week. Sadly, his awesome granddaughter does not make an appearance.
At the youth center, Roxanne accuses Chandler of looking at her commitment paper and following her here. Chandler says that he got the idea to volunteer there from when they talked about it months ago. Also, from reading her commitment paper. Roxanne gets rightfully pissed at this invasion of privacy, to which Chandler responds that the paper was "official church business" and he is a "church official." Then he laughs dismissively. I hate Chandler. Roxanne tells him that he's pathetic for volunteering at a youth center because he's still in love with her. Chandler, making like Matt with the exaggerated head-nodding and finger-pointing action, tells Roxanne that she's just as pathetic for going to church because she's still in love with him. Roxanne tells Chandler that she is so not in love with him and she has totally moved on. She may have moved on, but she hasn't moved very far, seeing as the guy she proclaims to have moved on to is standing just behind Chandler. And in case you couldn't see this coming from seven miles away, it's Paul the Crisis Center Worker (not to be confused with PaulSmith, the evil child who basically killed himself by possibly smoking pot and then riding a bike in front of Simon's car). Apparently, though it's hard to tell from Jeremy London's "acting," this upsets Chandler, because, as he so anti-climatically whispers to Roxanne, "I'm still in love with you, you idiot." No one says anything about how outrageously hypocritical it is that Chandler was man-ho-ing it around town two weeks ago for comedic effect, while when Roxanne expresses interest in one guy, we're supposed to feel sorry for him. Chandler, not the guy. Well, him too.
Roxanne enters Paul the Crisis Center Worker's office and asks him if he overheard her conversation with RevChan. Of course he did -- he lives in the CamVerse, where all conversations must be eavesdropped upon. He tells Roxanne to get things "settled" with Chandler, and then come back to him. Roxanne smiles as if this is good news.
Annie dozes off while waiting for someone to answer the phone at the CamPound. Asslee's horrible squeaky voice wakes Annie and her hagface right up. Annie asks Asslee why she's answering the phone. "Because it's right to your bed, Annie. Which I was just sleeping in. Because I'm totally doing your husband," Asslee does not say. Annie asks to speak to SamVid. Asslee says that they're upstairs "taking their nap" (i.e. recharging). "Wake them!" Annie snarls. Asslee says she would, but then they'll be cranky or whatever. This sets Annie off: "Yeah, and I wouldn't be asking you to wake up my children, but I haven't been able to talk to my children all the other times I've called because every time I call you've got my children at the Promenade, or the zoo, or the park, or the movies!" Asslee's like, "Uh…sorry?" Annie continues, "You know" -- and as all TWoP forum-users know, beginning a sentence with "you know" means that something condescending and mean is almost sure to follow -- "I don't need anyone to fill in for me…and I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but you've been spending waaaay too much time with our family and waaaay too much time with Sam and David! It's not good for them, and it's not good for you, you know" -- that's two -- "-- you're not their mother, I am! You know" -- three -- "I think it would be better for everyone if you spent less time at our house and less time with Sam and David." Ashley Simpson tries to act hurt and tells Annie that she'll get Sam and David on the phone posthaste, and get Mrs. Poole stay with them until "someone from [Annie's] family comes home." Is anyone even left? I mean, I guess there's Ruthie, but she doesn't really count since, technically, she's not a biological Camden. Asslee then puts the phone down without pushing the hang-up button, which means Annie was probably still on the line when Asslee screamed about what an insane bitch she is (off-camera, after the scene ended). Annie has the nerve to roll her eyes and sigh angrily. By the way, that was the best scene ever.
Some guy gets the mail from his apartment mailbox and walks upstairs, only to see Ruthie sitting outside his door. He kindly asks her if he can help her instead doing what I would have done, which is calling the police. Ruthie says she's waiting for her "friend," Jill. The guy says that Jill helps her mother every day after school, then they have dinner, so she won't be home for a while. The guy says that he didn't know that Jill had any friends. Ruthie clarifies that she and Jill are only friends in Ruthie's mind, but she's stalking Jill -- I mean, "waiting outside her apartment" -- in the hopes that it can happen in reality. The guy says that he's not sure if that will happen, as Jill doesn't like kids because her former classmates used to tease her. Ruthie asks why, but the guy won't tell her. "You're Jill's father," Ruthie says. Well, duh. The guy tells Ruthie to call him "Mo," and says that he'll let Jill know that she was there. I hope he adequately prepares Jill for the horror that this information will no doubt instill in her.
RevCam strolls into his office, where he sees Lucy, Chandler, Peter, and Asslee waiting for him. You'd think he would be a little bit alarmed to see Asslee there when she was supposed to be watching his children, but he doesn't say anything about it. The Lame Four ask RevCam for help. RevCam asks who's first. Everyone looks around, and The Guitar of The Beginning of Another Scene That Will Happen Entirely Off-Camera plays.
It's now evening, and Kevin is pulling his car up to the curb. Apparently the Treehouse doesn't come with driveway privileges. Kevin gets out of the car, but his passenger, Carlos, does not. He says he can't. Sounds like someone's got leg cramps from sitting in a cramped coach seat for five or six hours. I guess jetBlue isn't as luxurious as it purports to be. Kevin sympathizes with Carlos's apparent nervousness about talking to RevCam, saying that it's all a part of being in "the club." "What club?" Carlos says disgustedly, forgetting to add, "Your strange robot mannerisms frighten me." "The club for men married to daughters of Reverend Eric Camden." Founding member: Kevin Kinkirk. President: Kevin Kinkirk. Secretary: Kevin Kinkirk. Treasurer: Kevin Kinkirk. Perhaps Carlos can aspire to be the Vice-President, but he'll have to win a majority of the votes. Which would be one. Carlos says he doesn't know what he's doing there, but he thinks it's bad news. Kevin gets back in the car and says that they can just chill in there until Carlos is ready. Carlos suggests driving away. Suddenly, RevCam pulls up behind the car. Why is RevCam parking at the curb? Maybe Mary's sports car is blocking the entrance to the driveway. Anyway, RevCam gets out of the car with a big stupid grin on his face as Carlos begs Kevin to drive away. Kevin speeds off, leaving RevCam to run after it for a second, then stand around looking confused. I'll bet that happens to him a lot. Also, Carlos rules.
We see an exterior shot of Roxanne's father's house. The well in the front yard strikes me as tacky. Inside, Roxanne reads about how to avoid getting stabbed by homeless men with butter knives until Chandler walks in the room, holding a box of pizza. "Your father let me in," Chandler whispers, "and this pizza was just a little something to tide me over on the way to your house." Because, you know, Chandler's kind of fat. Chandler wants to talk, but Roxanne doesn't. "What do you want to do?" Chandler whispers intensely. The Guitar of WHORE! WHORE! WHORE! plays as Roxanne walks towards Chandler with a "seductive" smile on her face. Then they make out.
Asslee snottily replies to a knock on her bedroom door by telling her dad that she just wants to be alone. Then the door opens to reveal Asslee's dad in a drag-queen get-up worse than Gene Hackman's in The Birdcage. Oh, I'm sorry -- that's not Asslee's dad, that's Annie. Asslee asks Annie what she's doing out of Arizona. Annie says that she missed her family and decided to fly back to see them. She didn't miss them enough to have actually seen them yet, however; she drove to Asslee's house straight from the airport. Asslee and Annie apologize to each in unison, then hug fakely. I can understand Annie needing to apologize, but what is Asslee apologizing for? Her bad haircut? Her Avril Lavigne-sk8r-style t-shirt over a long-sleeved shirt? Her incomprehensibly bad acting? Her sister? No, she just says that she's sorry for spending so much time at the CamPound. Annie says that she was angry at herself, and she took it out on Asslee. Annie's been having a hard time choosing between taking care of her father and her children, especially since "[she doesn't] like [her] choices." Yeah, having to choose between Graham Jarvis's corpse and SamVid would be a sort of "death is not an option" kind of decision.
Annie and Asslee sit on Asslee's bed for some serious talking. Annie says that Asslee's constant attention to and feeding of SamVid reminded Annie that she's a terrible, neglectful mother. And if she's a neglectful mother, then she must be a neglectful daughter, too. Not to mention a neglectful sister -- what the hell happened to Michelle Phillips? "It's hard for you to understand," Annie says. Asslee says that it is hard for her understand, because she's pretty dumb. And because her spending time with the twins when Annie's away should be the perfect solution to Annie's guilt. Or maybe Asslee could take the twins to Arizona with Annie, and then Asslee could take care of them while Annie takes care of her dad. "I can, you know. I can do that!" Asslee says, all proud of herself. In fact, she's going to fill this out on a commitment paper and give it to RevCam. "I think you might be the answer to my prayers!" Annie blubbers. "That's just what Reverend Camden thought, too. When we were doin' it," Asslee says, although she might have just thought the last part.
Carlos is pacing around the CamDen. RevCam enters and almost walks into an armchair. I think Stephen Collins has taken to drinking to get himself through filming. The two men shake hands, and Carlos expresses his delight in jetBlue's air service. Then Carlos tells RevCam that he has no intention of converting from Catholicism, if that's why RevCam asked him here. RevCam says he would never ask him to do that; he invited Carlos to dinner because he wanted to get to know his daughter's husband. "Mary and I have…uh…had our differences over the years, and, well, it could be very easy for all of us to lose contact." So easy, in fact, that it's already happened. Anyway, it turns out that RevCam's commitment for the year is to get to know Carlos better and to stay in touch with his daughter, be it through phone calls, emails, or visits -- "whatever it takes." Way to set aside one year to do what every father is supposed to do anyway, RevAss. RevCam welcomes Carlos to the family, and they hug and cry. RevCam ruins the moment by offering Carlos a sandwich since he missed dinner (and how does one miss a dinner in his own honor? RevCam can't put it in the fridge until Carlos arrives? Dick), and then snidely saying that Carlos's Catholicism is "interesting."
Kevin stands outside what appears to be the Treehouse of Lurv's spacious walk-in closet and announces that he's not going anywhere. Because his legs rusted over. Lucy exits the closet and says that she doesn't want to do the Neighborhood Watch -- she wants to do her own project, Habitat for Humanity. ["Aw, continuity!" -- Sars] She asks Kevin if he's mad at her. He says he's only mad that she ditched the meeting with Det. Michaels instead of telling him the truth. They hug and profess their love for one another. And of course, no show would be complete without Kevin talking down to his hilariously faulted wife that she should always tell him if something's bothering her. "We're in the marriage together," Kevin adds. "That's what my dad said!" says Lucy. Ewwww.
Chandler and Roxanne are still going at it on her couch. They finally come up for air, and Chandler asks if they're back together again. Roxanne says that nothing has changed. Chandler asks if Roxanne is still going to date Paul. Roxanne says she probably will, and that's okay, since it's not like she's with anyone right now. Chandler says that he's going to move on, just like RevCam told him to. Roxanne has the nerve to look sad and angry about this, although maybe she's just sad and angry at herself for being on this show.
In yet another scene in front of Ruthie's locker, Peter and Ruthie apologize to each other. Ruthie says that she didn't want Peter to feel like he always had to be there for her, or to try to replace Simon. Replace Simon? But he's her boyfriend and Simon's her broth-- oh. Ewww. Peter and Ruthie declare themselves to be "friends" again, at which point Jill marches up and says that they need to talk. Peter, the only person who learned anything in the course of this episode, tells Ruthie he'll see her later, and leaves. Jill asks Ruthie why she's stalking her. Ruthie says that she just wants to be her friend. Jill says that she just doesn't like kids, because kids are mean. Ruthie asks Jill what happened to her at her old school. Jill announces that she's Muslim, and waits for Ruthie to make fun of her. Instead, Ruthie's all, "So? I have other Muslim friends." Yasmin hears this and tries to suppress a snicker, since Ruthie hasn't talked to that particular "Muslim friend" in about two seasons. Ruthie says that she's even been to a mosque, so Jill's talking to the Queen of Religious Toleration here. Ruthie asks Jill if kids used to make fun of her because she was Muslim, and if that's why Jill is so unfriendly to her new classmates. Jill makes a speech about how hard it is to be a Muslim in post-September 11th America, and how even if Ruthie doesn't care that she's Muslim, her parents or her other friends will. Ruthie says that her parents won't care, and if her friends do, then they're not her friends anymore. She says that she just wants to have lunch and get to know someone new. And she promises it will be fun. Jill agrees, but suddenly a phalanx of white, blonde-haired girls walk up and invite Ruthie to lunch. Jill turns to leave, but Ruthie pulls her back and introduces her to them. They all walk to lunch together. That scene was kind of okay, actually, if you ignore the message about how Muslims needs Good Christians to overcome other people's prejudices and make friends. Mackenzie Rosman put in an increasingly rare semi-natural performance. Sadly, the effect is ruined by the introduction of a musical montage featuring the voice of Wynonna Judd.
RevCam and Carlos hug at the jetBlue gate.
Annie and Asslee achieve domestic perfection by doing laundry together.
Lucy dons her house-building overalls and checks herself out in the mirror. Kevin comes up behind her and hands her a hammer. They make out.
Roxanne and Paul leave the movies. Then they make out. We see Chandler standing behind them, watching.
Ruthie, Peter, and Jill play "Life" and eat bakery items.
SamVid fulfill their commitment by asking God to bless half of the world and especially Simon, because he needs all the help he can get. Happy barks. God finally gives up on humanity.