Dick

CamPound. Ruthie stares at Peter, who writes. Peter says, "This is all your fault. I should have put a stop to my mom dating this guy before they decided to get married." I think this is the quickest I've ever been stunned and stumped while writing a SevHev recap. Last week, we left off with The Guy Peter's Mom Is Dating, Dick, threatening Peter with abuse (or putting him out of the house) while sitting in church. Now, Dick and Peter's Mom are getting hitched? And Peter never said anything about the threat? And somehow this is RUTHIE'S fault? Oh, Brenda, Brenda, Brenda. Who did this to you? Ruthie makes a nasty little face and says her dad "won't let it happen." Peter says he "has a feeling that Dick won't let Reverend Hampton, or anyone else, get in the way." Yes, Dick can be unswervingly singleminded at times. Heh.

Rev's Office. Peter's Mom, Paris, and Dick (heh) sit with their wide, whitebread-toothpaste smiles on. They want the Rev to marry them, and he, like any religious leader, peppers them with questions making sure they're doing it for the right reasons. And to provide a little exposition. Dick says it's not a big deal they got engaged on the first date. He knew his first wife for years before they got married, and look how well that turned out, heh heh. And Peter? Well, he'd be threatened by any man that came into his territory, of course. Dick is "confident" he can "win him over," because he's "not just marrying Paris. [He's] marrying Paris and Peter." Oh, creepy, creepy, CREEPY! Why don't you just say you're JOINING A FAMILY instead of MARRYING A LITTLE KID? Here comes my dinner.

Credits. Seeeaa-venth heaven! When I see their happy faces, smilin' back at me...seeeaa-venth heaven! Where can you goooooo! When the world don't treat you right? The answer is hoooome! Mmmm! Seeeaa-venth heaven! Woof!

Church. Go, guitar, go! Lights up in Eric's office, as he and Chandler...Hampton pore over letters, some on foofy lilac stationery, some on the more ordinary white paper. Apparently all the letter-writers do not have beef with the shit sermons and soggy pancake breakfasts; they all want to be married by the Rev. Two words for these letter-writers: City. Hall. Eric hands a bunch of the letters over to Chandler. Then he tells Chandler to marry some of these couples. That asked for Eric to marry them. And to call on them for counseling stat, since those dates are coming up soon. And to tell them Eric can't perform the ceremony. Oh, so you can ask a man of the cloth to marry you, and they'll squeeze the religious counseling in around your date? They are so not Catholic. Chandler makes a face when Eric says that he can perform ALL the weddings and ALL the counseling if Chandler changes his mind about going home to make peace with his father before he passes away. Chandler...Hampton looks at him like, the hell? Then he waves his hand brusquely like, bring these stupid weddings ON. And wow, another head-scratcher. If Chandler leaves, Eric will willingly double his own workload? But if Chandler stays, Eric'll just pass the buck and hand over half the weddings he was personally asked to do? And Chandler, a reverend, has a dying father he refuses to make peace with? God, this show is fucked up.

Simon mops and mops. Two of the weirdest-looking people I've ever seen walk all over the newly mopped floor and begin speaking brightly. Um, these are Cecilia's parents, right? God, they're fugly. I'd say "get surgery," but it's obvious both of them have had lots, and they still look freaky. When the blonde woman says it's their twentieth wedding anniversary, I let out a little scream, and my dog goes running for the kitchen because I've seen a mouse in there for the past few days and he likes to play with it. I mean, the guy could have been married for twenty years, but this chick? What, is she from Arkansas or something? Are they cousins? You know what I mean. All I really have to say about these scary surgery twins is that Botox is poisonous, so cut it out, and I hope that whatever that guy has done to his lips is reversible. He looks like a fucking marionette! Anyway, they want Reverend Camden to marry them again, and Cecilia "She Ain't Beautiful" Ugulera says they can talk about it later. Freaky Surgery Woman leads Freaky Surgery Dude away as he protests that they've already thought about this, and they "really want to do it!" Um, who's the adult and who's the kid, here? God I hate this show. Simon pushes his mop, then says his parents renewed their vows on their twentieth anniversary. Cecilia says that his parents aren't her parents. Good, I was right. Those overly-surgery-faced freaks were her parents. I still hate this show.

Eric's Office. The phone rings. Chandler gets it, and it's a booty call from Roxanne. She's all, what are you wearing? I'm in uniform, baby. This is a code H-O-T-A-S-S, and I'm zeroing in on your location. Sorry, again, get thee to the fanfic section on the boards if you're into this sort of thing. Chandler says he's "about to disappoint" some couples by saying he's going to marry them, instead of the Rev. Roxanne feels the need to inflate Chandler's ego for some reason, and tells him that maybe the couples secretly wanted him to marry them and "didn't want to go around" Eric. Chandler growls, "I doubt it." He really growls it; he sounds like he's using one of those cancer kazoo things. Then Roxanne says, "Call me back and tell me all about it," and Chandler says, "I'll call you back and tell you all about it." The hell? I should be thankful that there was no split screen in that boring phone conversation, but they lost me with that fucked-up goodbye.

A couple walk into the office and introduce themselves. Holy shit, it's Mayim Bialik! I thought she was a scientist now, and taught voice or led a choir or something? She's acting again? And now she's appearing on THIS SHOW? Okay: who's got the dirt on Mayim "Blossom-ed Into A Woman And 'Quit The Business,' If You Believe That For A Second" Bialik? In what closet did she stash the body? Someone write and tell me, please. For those of you just reading along at home, Mayim looks EXACTLY the same as she did when she was a child actress. Same huge...smile. Same giant...personality. Gotta love that schnozz. She's wearing a denim jacket and a hat with a giant flower on it. Just kidding about the hat. OR AM I?

Anyway, Mayim and her husband, Mark, come in and ask where Eric is. Um, not here. And Chandler will be leading the counseling sessions. And, um, marrying them too. Of course, they are overjoyed. They wanted to ask for Chandler, but didn't want to offend Eric! Just like Roxanne said! And the last time they did this, Eric made them get in a fight and Mark's mother got involved! And they "still haven't resolved their differences" but they "want to get married!" Oy, with the giant smiles. I have a headache.

CamPound. Eric walks in with "that milk" for Annie, and she goes OFF on him for eating a powdered donut, the evidence of which is all over his face. I love how she doesn't assume he went on a cocaine binge. I mean, whoever does that anymore? It's all donut this and Michelob Ultra that at every party I attend. Eric says it's "been so long" since he had a donut, and he had a stressful day. Ruthie walks in and says, "Please tell me part of your stressful day was telling Dick and Peter's mom you're not marrying them?" Then she says it again. Then she says it a third time. Wow, is this Groundhog Day? I thought this recap was going fast. Oh no, she's just being extra-annoying. Peter still doesn't like Dick, she says. Eric says Dick and Paris's counseling sessions are confidential, and that he can't discuss it with Ruthie or Annie. Annie sends him off to wash his face.

Ruthie tromps off to Lucy's room. Lucy yells peevishly that she's studying. Ruthie asks when the KevBot will be home, since she has to ask him a "favor," which is "private business." Hey, did anyone notice Ruthie's shirt in this scene? It's a monkey t-shirt, and he's holding a little pennant? And he has rosy cheeks? It's like Hello Kitty and Julius got together to make a t-shirt, like, for losers, and this is the result. I know that Paul Frank and Sanrio are way too cool to allow their product on this show, but this shirt is proof positive. Lucy pries and noses, and learns that it isn't "a brother-in-law kind of favor," but a "police kind of favor." Lucy puts down her book to listen.

Lights up on the sign that reads "Glenoak Community Church." Denomination, who cares! Got God? Sure we do! BYOB(ible). Chandler sits, face creased like an old newspaper, as he listens to Mayim and Mark natter on. She says his mom hates her; he disagrees. Chandler tries to shake them off the subject of Mark's Hateful Mom, and back onto the two of them. Mayim, it seems, got engaged to some guy while on the rebound from Mark. And all told, she's been engaged to seven guys. Chandler asks if Mark has "ever been engaged to another woman, or women?" Nope. Mayim says why: "Because no woman is ever going to marry a guy with a mother like that." Mark insists that she's not that bad. I want to see this bad mom! Who could they get to play her? How about Shirley MacLaine? Or maybe Meryl Streep? That would rule. But it'll probably just be Mayim with a babushka and some powder in her hair. The phone rings, and Chandler picks it up, says "not yet," then hangs up. Roxanne was on the other end. She asks Kevin to drop her at "Chandler's," since she can "feel" he's having a bad night. Kevin thinks Roxanne should leave Chandler alone and not press him into seeing his dad before he dies. The hell? How come everyone knows about Chandler's dad but me? ["Let me bring you up to speed. He's dying. Chandler hates him. That'sabout it." -- Sars]