“ Lucy is so not cute, and jealousy really makes her even less pretty. In fact, Lucy is remarkably similar to one of those wizened apples they wrap a piece of lace around and pass off as a doll. Lucy is a wrinkled apple witch. ”
Two large pieces of signage inform us of the setting of the scene: One says that "Country and Western Week" is "welcome" at Eddie's. Another neon jobbie says it is "Eddie's Pool Hall." Once again, I don't watch the show regularly, so all the extra spelling out of the intricate nuances that make up 7th Heaven is, at times, useful, but I didn't need two signs. No one does. Shut up, signs. I am not retarded. I can't say the same for everyone watching the show, but I'm not.
Inside Eddie's, a country and western band plays wanly. They say they're "going honky-tonking," but I know better. They're not happy to be there. Unattractive people dance the two-step, some dully, some with a little flair, and I use the word flair in homage to the movie Office Space. There's a woman with a really fat ass performing the two-step backwards. Not pretty. There's a guy so fat it looks like he's carrying triplets. Either these extras are the producer and writer of the show, walking in a la Hitchcock, or they are just random fugly people. Kudos to 7th Heaven for daring to put such "real" people on television! There aren't even people this unattractive on reality shows. Have you seen The Real World this season? The girls are all emaciated hooker-y types who bare their torsos more than necessary, and the guys are all beefy gym rats with their own tubs of gel and shimmery body lotion. I hate them, too. Proof that, ugly or "attractive," you can't win. Lucy wanders into Eddie's, sees Roxanne and Kevin dancing together comfortably and laughing together, and gets bent out of shape. She walks out in a huff. Lucy is so not cute, and jealousy really makes her even less pretty. In fact, Lucy is remarkably similar to one of those wizened apples they wrap a piece of lace around and pass off as a doll. Lucy is a wrinkled apple witch.
She runs out of the pool hall and Chandler...Hampton stops her with a "hey! The fun's in there!" No, it isn't. Lucy, clearly insane, asks if RevLite has ever loved somebody so much that he just totally lost his shit about it. He's all, yeah. And she dumped his ass, too. Loser. He makes a face like he's laughing about it, but it's all creepy and overly anxious. Lucy, in tears, says rapidly that if Kevin wants to break up with her then he can just break up with her. She turns to leave, and RevLite says, "Wait! Talk!" She does the first. I guess the latter is to come. Great.
Credits. Seeeaa-venth heaven! When I see their happy faces, smilin' back at me...Seeeaa-venth heaven! Where can you goooooo! When the world don't treat you right? The answer is hoooome! Mmmm! Seeeaa-venth heaven! Woof!
A couple decked out in Western gear walks by the first two signs that announce the country-western week at Eddie's pool hall, then through an entrance over which hangs a sign reading "Eddie's." Everyone with me? Stop me if I'm going too fast.
Lost Souls
“ Kevin, still on a psychotic rampage, asks why the Camdens don't get cell phones. Hey, did Jesus have a cell phone? Did he need a teeny phone to get the Word out? Well, did he? ”
Inside, Simon and Cecilia dance. The band informs us that a "good-ole boy is going bad tonight." Foreshadowing? One can only hope. Simon is a terrible dancer, Cecilia not so great herself. She has matched her pink socks to her pink sweater. Simon apologizes for stepping on her feet. Her black cowboy boots are "steel-toed," so it makes little difference, she says. They sit down and sip some drinks. Kevin comes up and asks rather harshly where the hell Lucy is, since she was supposed to be there an hour ago. Simon and Cecilia are clueless. Roxanne comes up and says there were "no major accidents in the area," so Lucy is probably at the mall or the library. Or making out with the new associate pastor. Kevin, still on a psychotic rampage, asks why the Camdens don't get cell phones. Hey, did Jesus have a cell phone? Did he need a teeny phone to get the Word out? Well, did he? Kevin says he'll give Lucy fifteen minutes more, then he's going out to look -- and so is Roxanne. Roxanne says she has a date with "Smitty." Oh please, let's meet Smitty. He sounds like a line drawing, or a Little Rascal. Hey, how about Stymie? He always liked Roxanne. Someone call Buckwheat and we'll double. Kevin has a problem with Roxanne dating Smitty, who is someone they work with, and therefore it's bad for her "career." Ooh, Smitty's a cop? How cool. Please let him also be drunken and Irish. Roxanne says Lucy won't like the idea that she also likes cops. Kevin bullies her into looking for Lucy, and further badgers a reluctant-looking Simon and Cecilia into joining them. No one looks happy about this.
CamPound. Eric lolls on the couch. Annie comes over and brightly informs him of all that's been happening; Kevin called looking for Lucy, who was supposed to meet him at the pool hall where there's a country and western band playing all week! Eric is unfazed and uninterested, saying it must be "difficult to shoot pool." Annie says it sounds like fun, and that they should go out and dance themselves. Eric says nah, he just wants to be home with his family and think and never go out again. Annie insists that fun has to be had sometime -- how about going outside to sit on the porch and think under the stars? Eric loves that idea, and gets up and practically runs outside. Annie, left in his righteous wake, says she meant they could sit under the stars together.
Upstairs, Ruthie is met by SamVid, who tell her there's a boy throwing rocks at their window. Jake? No, "a new one," a "stranger." And "stranger, danger!" Jesus, beezus. Ruthie goes blindly to the window and sees a little boy with a mouthful of teeth and spiky blond hair. He's all, hey, are you still on "restriction"? Did I get the right window? Eric wanders up behind him, and Ruthie points at her father in a gesture of ultimate laziness, like, oh, ask him how much longer I'm on "restriction." Eric says "hmm," and the boy tells Ruthie he isn't sure. Eric asks the boy who he is. He's Peter, he lives down the street, he's in school with Ruthie, and he's also in "love" with her. What a fucked-up little boy. Eric tells Peter that Ruthie already has a boyfriend, and Peter says she can't see him because of the "restriction." He wants to make his move now. What a cunning, conniving, lovelorn little twelve-year-old. So very unreal.
Lost Souls
Peter is all, "C'mon, Mr. Camden." Eric rolls this around for a while. "Mr. Camden. Misss-ter Camden, Mister Eric Camden." Peter steals my line and says he sure isn't Mrs. Camden. Please let that be the crisis of the week? Reverend Camden becomes la reverendina? Annie walks into the twins' room and asks what everyone is looking at. The new boy, who wants to come in and hang out. Annie says she's just the mother that has to say no sometimes, and that Ruthie is still on "restriction" for another week. Oh, and she's off to the pool hall now for some solo fun. Woo! Ruthie makes a snippy face at her mother. Oh, and twins? Get back into bed. They lie down and say goodnight, I love you. Wow, the twins don't even say "we" even though they speak in unison? Weird. As soon as Annie walks out, they're out of bed and back at the window.
Annie heads downstairs and meets Eric in the kitchen. Eric says that the new neighbor boy tuned him into a "new insight." Annie is all, did you notice I freshened my make-up and changed my clothes? Eric asks if that was a "trick question," and then says in a Monty Python-esque voice, "That's not my new hat, I'm wearing a gas mask!" Annie makes a "wha?" face, and Eric says never mind. Annie says she's going out to the pool hall, and would Eric like to tell her his new insight? Nah -- he'd rather mull it over in private. What a fucked-up family.
Phone! Ruthie answers it. Kevin asks a million questions about Lucy, including what she was wearing. Ruthie can't remember -- something "cowboy, or cowgirl, or cow-woman...jeans." "Cow-woman"? What, like an udder, or a huge bell? Ruthie gets that Lucy must be AWOL, but seems more into busting Kevin's covert ops than actually giving a shit that her sister is "missing." Kevin is all "gotta go," and hangs up. He actually says, "Let's roll." Simon and Cecilia silently groan, then slide off their seats with the enthusiasm usually reserved for trips to the dentist.
Lucy and Chandler...Hampton roll into the church. Lucy seems thrilled to be there. She says she's never "eaten" in the sanctuary before. Yes, isn't that a tad disrespectful? Chandler says slowly and creepily that she might feel uncomfortable talking in her father's office. And of course, there's no other place for them to have a picnic. So, church it is. It is Chandler's "favorite place in Glenoak." He feels "at peace" here. Wow, so does Lucy's dad! They have so much in common. Now kiss. Kiss in the sanctuary. Kiss like the Lord approves.
On the porch, Eric looks searchingly into the night sky, his face a blank mask, and says dully that "[he] quit[s]." Woo hoo!