Hello, and welcome to my recap of Sorority Boys. Being a college student myself, as well as a film major, I think I am uniquely qualified to author this piece. Surely this film will accurately and favorably mirror today's college students.
But first we start with some black-and-white still photos of fraternities in the fifties, scored with regal music. Here is a picture of some wacky guys going downstairs -- on their hands! And there's a picture of some dowdy fifties cheerleaders -- hanging from a pole! Two of them are wearing horn-rimmed glasses. And there's a guy playing pool -- wearing women's clothing! And smoking a pipe! Wow, college sure was lame in the fifties.
Another black-and-white still photo of an elegant Tudor house, with a sign in front of it that reads "KOK," suddenly comes to life and turns color. Ah, now we're going to see some real college antics. Some guy wearing a mask starts talking about "the high council." Then we see that he's talking to a quartet of naked guys who are bound together by rope. What the hell is this? Apparently they are guilty of teaching the KOK handshake to a girl. Please don't think that the fact that KOK sounds just like "cock" has been lost on me -- I just didn't feel the need to even remark on a joke so lame. Although I guess I kind of just did, so why don't I go ahead and say this: the KOK thing is lame, and it won't be the first time Greek initials spell out something symbolic and "funny" in this clever little cinematic gem. You just wait. But back to the four naked boys. Apparently their punishment for their crime involves grease and a gerbil. I guess this is a joke, but I find the whole frats as dens of repressed homosexuality implication to be much more interesting. Unfortunately, we won't get a chance to explore this further, because Barry Watson (Dopey from 7th Heaven!) suddenly enters the room and ruins everything, including, I would say, the rest of this film. This is a statement I can't make for his work on 7th Heaven, as that has already been ruined more than anything could possibly be by Brenda Hampton. Matt's hair has been slightly improved for the film, but it still looks like a greasy version of that haircut middle-aged women get when they decide they're too old for long hair. Some women never make this realization, and that always has the unfortunate result of long nasty gray hair or long nasty dyed purple hair. But I digress into more interesting topics. Matt talks to the mask guy, who is apparently the president of the frat, and says they need the room for the party, so President Mask Guy will have to finish his ceremony somewhere else. President Mask Guy takes his mask off to reveal that he has the third highest hairdo of all time, just behind Marge Simpson and my third grade teacher. He also has a high voice. I guess that's supposed to be funny, because men who have the misfortune of being born with not too much testosterone are funny.
Michael Rosenbaum enters the scene on some kind of wagon with a small keg on it. He is being pulled by some faceless women wearing bikinis. I know I always go out and party in style by wearing my beach clothes, so this isn't unusual. You might recognize Rosenbaum as Lex Luthor from Smallville -- but then again, you might not, because his usually shiny baldness is covered by a cap and the worst wig ever. How did this film get a big enough budget to be made, but not big enough to buy Lex a somewhat-realistic looking wig? It looks like the gerbil we saw earlier escaped from his cage and jumped on Rosenbaum's head, and then had a bunch of babies. Anyway, Lex drives onto the scene, whipping the girls along as they pull him. While I might tolerate this misogynistic behavior from, say, Tom Welling (and only because he is the most attractive man alive), I would definitely have kicked Lex in the crotch fifty-seven times by now.
President High-Hair is displeased by this turn of events, and he shrilly complains about Lex and Matt's insubordination. They respond by laughing at him. I find it strange that the frat prez isn't already at the party -- at my school they seem to award the frat presidency to the guy who is the biggest and most popular partier, not the lamest and most responsible. Matt and Lex, whose real character names are Dave and Adam respectively, tell Pres. HH in less eloquent terms that perhaps a round of intercourse with a member of the opposite sex would improve his dour demeanor. He responds by saying "fuck you," which admittedly did sound pretty funny with that high voice of his.
Outside the frat, we are introduced to another character, the president of the campus sorority that all the women who don't get into the cool sororities end up joining in a pathetic last attempt to get friends. That's what I'm guessing, anyway; we only have one sorority on my campus, and they don't even have their own house (because our New England state's blue laws prohibit co-habitation of more than eight women in a single house, for fear that it would lead to a prostitution ring. I don't see this could possibly still be a real law, but the sisters said it was, so I guess I'll believe them), so I didn't have any reason to join. Female companionship be damned! Anyway, the sorority president is wearing glasses and slightly baggy clothes, and her blonde hair has been pulled back into a ponytail, thus making her "dowdy" and "unattractive." She is handing out fliers to all women entering the frat party about how frats preserve antiquated standards of femininity. None of the women she talks to is very receptive. And I wouldn't be either, because I hate being solicited, especially by people who use big words.
Matt is talking to someone off-screen about how he wants to be set up with a woman he "can have an actual conversation with." Then we see who he's talking to; it's a dog named Brutus. That joke is never funny, not when it's on 7th Heaven (where it happens at least once an episode) and certainly not here.
And here's a shot of a container of brightly colored dildos. I would like to take this time to applaud the art director on his visceral sense of color and composition -- those dildos look great. And now we see some guys sling-shotting the dildos over some trees and into a sign that says, "Delta Omicron Gamma: Proud to Be Women Since 1908." This must be the loser sorority, and how funny is it that their Greek initials spell out "dog"? Anyone? Oh, wait -- I thought I heard a laugh, but that turned out to be one of my housemates in the other room; she was watching something with actual jokes in it. Lucky her.
Two of the three girls who were solicited outside the frat house fix their hair and make-up in a mirror, and take this downtime to exposit that their solicitor is the president of the DOG sorority and that she's always doing protests about some kind of woman-hating thing or another.
Oh, crap, it's Harland Williams. You know, I saw him on the cover, but I still hoped beyond hope that he would not be in this movie. How the hell is he even playing a college student? Isn't he fifty years old by now? But this is explained by him being a tenth-year student as he looks at pictures of the last few years and talks to himself about how he doesn't remember any of them.
Brutus walks up to one of the girls from the mirror, and then Matt comes in holding two beers and a hot dog. He throws the hot dog to Brutus. Matt starts quoting Shakespearian sonnets in the mirror girl's face, and she responds by asking him if it's true that he drives a BMW. Matt laughs and tells Brutus that he's a bad dog, and that's the last time you will see Matt's beloved pet.
Then we see an "ugly" girl wearing "dowdy" clothes, taking pictures of the room. Lex is holding a guitar for no obvious reason and getting his groove on with the other mirror girl, but she is distracted by the presence of the ugly girl. Lex calls Harland Williams over, and they agree to get rid of her because she is from DOG, and if they let one DOG girl into their parties, then they all will want to come. Yes, I'm sure they're all just lining up to try some of your Natty Ice keg and get felt up by sweaty guys. Frat parties are really fun that way. Harland whispers to some other guy, who blows a whistle and screams "dogcatcher!" The lead singer from Smash Mouth suddenly appears with a net, and isn't he pushing fifty by now as well? On second glance, it's not the lead singer from Smash Mouth but a guy who looks just like him -- unfortunately for that guy. I am relieved, because for a second there I was afraid I was going to have to hear "All-Star" as part of yet another film's soundtrack. Smash Mouth and some other guy throw the net over the poor girl as she struggles passively.
The ugly DOG prez yammers on about how if the frat guys want a war, then they will give them a war. Right now she is wearing a bathrobe and standing inches away from the lit fireplace. That is so dangerous, especially if the robe is flannel. I kind of wouldn't mind it if the DOG prez did catch on fire right now, because she is boringly expositing on the history of the sorority to her similarly pajama-clad sisters. Some ugly girl who looks like Harland Williams in drag is in a portrait over the fireplace, and DOG Prez talks about how she founded DOG on principals of respect and yawn yawn yawn. I have decided that I hate this movie, as I hate anything that portrays feminists as bookish, humorless, lesbian militants. DOG prez talks about how "Patty" was heroic for obtaining information about the frat, and we see that Patty, the girl who got ensnared in the scene, is seated on the couch with an icepack on her head and she looks all disheveled and how is implicit violence against women at all funny? I'm probably just a humorless feminist. DOG pres shows her sisters a bunch of still photographs on the TV of the KOK party. How did still photographs that were taken with a non-digital camera get on the TV? I have no idea. One of them is off a topless woman standing on a table. That never happens at parties at my school, except for the semi-annual naked party, which is designed to show nudity as a non-sexual form of beauty. My school is really liberal. We have an entire convenience store aisle devoted to organically grown granola, no joke.
Suddenly, a big black dildo comes flying through the window. The sisters are shocked and/or confused, as if anyone in college doesn't know by then what a dildo is. The KOK guys cheer. The dildo vibrates. That is a pretty expensive model to just be spending money on as a frivolous joke! Not that I would know the approximate retail price of big black vibrating dildos, but I'm just saying, it looks like a pretty costly apparatus. DOG Prez grabs some tongs from behind the television, which seems like a pretty inconvenient place to put them, and steps on the dildo until it smokes and then picks it up with the tongs. Then she throws it in a bin filled with all the other dildos the frat has sent to them.
It's morning at the KOK house, and Matt is drinking tea and reading something. He walks to a safe and opens it to reveal a lot of money. Lex wakes up in bed with two girls. Good for him, I guess. Oh, yuck -- Harland Williams is lying around in just his underwear. He burps. I wish he weren't in this film. One of Lex's girls tries to make future plans with him, but Lex is noncommittal. The other girl puts her skirt on and leaves the room, only to be faced with a hallway full of frat boys who jeer at her and chant about her taking the Walk of Shame. Ah, yes, the Walk of Shame. I'm not sure if it's better taken in front of a large group of jeering guys or alone, all alone, in the early morning dusk, with only your thoughts of how slutty you just were to keep you company. Or so I've heard. At the end of the hall, one of the frat guys takes her picture with a Polaroid, and how do any of these guys get girls if this is what they do to them afterwards? Why is the girl surprised that this is happening to her when it's already happened to all her sisters at the cool sorority?
While the other girl gets dressed, Lex affixes the Polaroid to his "Hall of Shame," which is filled with pictures of other girls who all look surprised. Again, I don't understand how this could be a shock. At my school, if you're a guy who gets around too much and you treat girls like crap, you get your name written on the bathroom wall and then no one will hook up with you ever again. The other girl jumps out the window to avoid the Walk of Shame; at least she's smart. Except that the window is on the second or third floor, so it probably would have been better if she had just taken the Walk, because now she has broken bones.
The frat boys are having a meeting at which they all have to wear black robes. Does that really happen in frats? I honestly don't know. Some little oily guy is complaining to Lex that Lex always gets fine girls and he doesn't get any. He solicits Lex's advice. Lex's wig looks worse and worse as this movie goes on. Lex tells the oily guy to bring his expected quality down. President HH tries to bring the meeting to order, but no one listens to him until the huge token black frat brother tells them to shut up. President HH thanks him and exposits about the KOKtail Kruise (at least, that's how I'm assuming it's spelled) and how all the KOK alums come to it and give the frat boys jobs -- if the Kruise is good. President HH is concerned that this year's Kruise is "in grave danger." He asks the "social committee" to rise, and what a shock! The social committee is Matt, Lex, and Harland Williams. This is turning into an episode of Saved by the Bell, where the six main characters were the only members of, like, every school club. Except the math club -- that was for those two recurring nerd characters. President HH accuses the social committee of embezzling all the Kruise Kash. Matt says he just checked the safe and all the money was there. The entire frat goes to check, and it turns out that the money is gone! Matt is nonplussed, as usual.
Matt, Lex, and Harland Williams get chased out of the frat, and for some reason they aren't wearing pants. And now it's nighttime and they're sitting in Matt's BMW. Harland Williams wants to split the money and go their separate ways. Ew, there's a close-up of Harland's face and he has three chins. Lex and Matt explain to Harland that they don't have the money because President HH framed them and took it for himself. Matt leaves to go deal with his father, whatever that means.
Matt's dad -- who is not RevCam in this film, unfortunately for all you Stephen Collins fans. And I know there's got to be one or two. At the very least, his wife. Anyway -- Matt's dad tells him that he's set his son up with a really good interview on the KOKtail Kruise. Whoops! Matt's dad further rubs it in by sliding Matt over to his colleagues, who also apparently were KOK members. They are all misogynistic. Matt's dad then insists that Matt do "the strut" for everyone. What does that mean? I don't know, but Matt goes into a slightly advanced version of the chicken dance until he does a lame pratfall.
Back at the BMW, Lex asks if he was made to do the strut. Oh, good -- they put a hat on Lex so I don't have to see his fake hair. I wish they would give Matt a hat too. And give Harland a paper bag. A full-body paper bag. Matt tells Lex that if the guy he has an interview with finds out they stole money from KOK, they'll never get jobs. So they'll just have to prove that President HH stole the money. Harland pipes up about some videotape -- apparently, Lex has a motion-activated video camera set on his bed that clandestinely records him having sex with all the cool sorority sisters. Harland found all his tapes one day and masturbated to them. I am not quite sure what this movie is going to do to make me actually like these main characters, but it will have to involve giving me a lot of money and doing my dishes at the very least. Harland continues that the tape shows the safe at all times, so there would be a recording of President HH stealing the money. Lex points out that they can't get the tape because they aren't allowed in the KOK house. "The only thing walking through that door is tits!" he says. But Harland has "a plan." I wonder if it will involve them dressing up as women? Just a hunch.
Three women come to the door of the KOK house -- but they look strangely familiar! Wait a minute -- it's Matt, Lex, and Harland in drag! That's hilariously original! Matt looks surprisingly good as a woman, by the way, and Lex kind of does too. Sadly, Harland has managed to make himself even uglier. They enter the party and split up. Lex goes to his room to get the tape, but that little oily guy is in there. He says that this is his room now since he's the new head of the Social Committee. Then he rubs his nipple. Guys rubbing their own nipples? Never funny. Then he closes the door when Lex tries to leave, which is, like, so wrong that it wouldn't be funny even if it were actually funny, which it isn't. Did that make sense? Anyway, then oily guy takes his robe off, and there's a small penis joke. ["Wait, is it a small joke about a penis, or a joke about a small…okay, you know what? I don't want to know." -- Sars]
Harland tries to befriend the cool sorority girls, but they are mean to him because he's ugly. I didn't think this film could portray women in a more negative light than it already has, but there you go. Harland sits on the couch and is soon joined by Matt and Lex. Then they get dogcatchered. In front of the DOG house, the three guys struggle with the net. The DOG prez comes out and rescues them. They try to leave, but the girl invites them in for food. As they eat, DOG Prez and the rest of the sisters crowd around and try to get them to pledge. Somehow, they are able to offer them free room and board for the first semester.
Outside in the hall, some of the DOG sisters are hesitant to allow such ugly girls into their sorority. Whoa, is that Heather Matarazzo? How the hell did she need money this badly? That's so sad.
Matt says that they should pledge. Lex doesn't want to. Matt says they just need a place to stay until they can get into KOK. Harland says that he pledged twenty minutes ago. That was kind of funny. The DOG prez lets them into their new room, which is already decorated. Oh, sweet -- they have a Powerpuff Girls calendar! And curtains! Apparently the seniors last year left all of their stuff in their rooms after they graduated, including their clothes. And what a stroke of luck, the clothes all fit three six-foot-tall-plus men. Lex is still upset; he wanted to join the cool sorority with the hot girls.
It's house meeting time! Now we get to meet all the DOG sisters. Dog Prez's name is revealed to be Leah. Lex introduces himself as "Adena," and how the hell is that the first female name to pop into anyone's mind? Then Matt introduces himself, but Lex makes funny facial expressions the whole time and I'm actually kind of starting to like him a little bit. Matt calls himself "Daisy." And now we meet some foreign exchange student who has a moustache. Heather M has an annoying New Yawk voice. There's a giantess. Harland introduces himself as Roberta, and Leah notices that he looks just like the portrait of the lady above the fireplace. Roberta says that s/he has a porn addiction, and then breaks the resulting awkward silence with a pillow fight. Then he smacks Heather in the face with a pillow, and she does deserve that for being in this movie. They never mention the fact that Harland is a dead ringer to the DOG founder again, so what was the point of that in the first place?
In bed, Matt smells himself and decides to take a shower. Matt gets into the bathroom, and never has one person looked so happy to be taking a shower, except for maybe the women in those stupid Herbal Essences commercials. Uh oh! Leah just entered the bathroom to take a shower too! Fortunately she doesn't have her contacts in and thus can't see that Matt has a penis. I'm not going to make a joke about how small said penis must be. Oops, I just did! Sorry, Barry Watson, but you set yourself up for it! Matt lathers up so that Leah won't notice he's a guy. Right now I wish that I were as blind as Leah, because I have to look at Barry Watson shirtless and it's gross. But it will get worse, so just bear with me. Leah washes her pert bare breasts and then OH MY GOD THEY DIDN'T! Give me a few seconds here, this is really bad…they show Matt's lather-covered crotch region, and a suspicious-looking cylinder…um…rises up out of the bubbles. Why? WHY?! Oh, God, then Leah drops her washcloth and it lands on the protuberance and I have to see it again. Matt runs out of the bathroom and we have to see his naked butt and I am officially earning every cent I'm getting to write this recap.
In the morning, Lex tries to pack himself into a tight miniskirt. He asks how he looks, and Matt tells him that he's missing a boob. Lex wonders what happened to it, then sees that Harlan is eating the grapefruit that he was using for a boob. A grapefruit for a boob? Those things are heavy and rather unwieldy. Why not just use socks? Not that I would know anything about what material is best for stuffing one's bra. Really, I'm quite an ample woman. Lex gets himself properly stuffed, and Matt puts some hairspray in his woman wig. What is the point of that?
Lex tries to walk in high heels and has little luck. Matt runs into a storage closet and changes into his real clothes and walks into his first class, Women's Studies. Some flaky lady is the professor and he's the only man in the class. Of course. The Prof tells Matt he's in the wrong place, but Matt is taking the class to fulfill some requirement. He sits down to Leah and the Giantess.
In a hallway, Lex spots President HH and the Token Black Frat Brother talking about the party last night, and how generous President HH was to put up the money for it himself. Suddenly, Oily Guy comes up and invades Lex's personal space in a harassing and threatening manner.
Back in the Women's Studies class, the Prof is saying something about the myth of the male orgasm, and Matt looks confused. She recommends that everyone get a study partner. Matt looks at Leah. Leah looks dejected. The bell rings. Do bells still ring in college?
Harland is watching television. One of the sisters comes in and reminds Harland that it's his turn to clean the bathroom. Harland cleans the drain and pulls out a huge hair clog and does a Wookiee impression, which is all Harland Williams is good for, when you think about it. Harland takes the hair and goes into the kitchen for no discernible reason, where Heather is sobbing uncontrollably. Harland asks her what is wrong, and she responds that she used to be in Todd Solondz movies but now she's in a Harland Williams vehicle. She is also upset that some guy made fun of her annoyingly loud voice again. Harland tries to make Heather feel better.
Lex is walking down the street. Some guys drive by fun and call him a "fat-ass DOG girl." Then someone throws a cup full of liquid at him. I hate when that happens! Lex storms into the DOG house and trips on his high heels. In the Powerpuff bedroom, Matt and Harland are picking out outfits for tomorrow. Lex storms in, and he's upset about his fat ass. Matt tells him not to worry because he doesn't have a fat ass. But I'm looking at Lex in a tight miniskirt, and I have to tell you, he really does have a pretty fat ass. That's unusual in a guy. I think they might have stuffed the skirt to get that effect, because the ass is almost shelf-like in its fat-ass-edness. Lex then shows Harland and Matt that he has horrible red bumps all over his legs. They don't what it could possibly be, which I find hard to believe, because don't guys get shaving bumps on their faces like girls do on their legs? Not that I've ever shaved my face.
Giantess bursts into the room and tells Lex that he has some horrible ingrown hairs on his legs. Then she asks if anyone has a heavy-flow maxi-pad for her to borrow because she's "soaked through an entire box this morning," and a roll of toilet paper. Yo, that's nasty. Also, it might be time to make the switch to tampons. The three guys are speechless until Harland says that he used his last one already, and Matt and Lex laugh awkwardly. Giantess says she "has to go" and run-walks out of the room with her hand covering her vaginal area. Why. Why? WHY?! Matt feels sorry for Giantess, because she is so big that her feminine hygiene needs cannot be met. Harland says she's like Paul Bunyan. Does anyone remember that SNL commercial about the feminine napkin made by a Paul Bunyan-esque guy? Giantess should get some of those. Lex is upset that he is finding out too much about women. He says it's like going to your favorite restaurant and watching them slaughter animals to make your food. I'm still trying to figure out how this film has a positive message about womanhood. Lex says he has to get the tape.
Oily Guy is walking down the street in his usual oily way. The wardrobe people gave this guy only two outfits -- his regular clothes and his bathrobe. He wears the same thing in every scene. Oily Guy hears a noise in some bushes, and then gets dragged into them. Lex is wearing his man outfit, with the wig that looks faker than the one he wears as a woman. Oily Guy tells Lex the news about finding himself a girl and how he "banged her five times." Lex slaps him, then recovers and congratulates him. Oily Guy remembers that he is not supposed to be talking to Lex, and runs away.
Our three heroes are sleeping in their Powerpuff room when the alarm clock goes off at 7 AM. Harland hits it with a chair. Lex calls him a "dipshit." Hee. Lex tries to put some pants on and falls over. That's the third time someone has fallen over. Matt trims his nose hairs. Ew. Harland manages to accidentally apply lipstick all over his front teeth. Lex walks into the boy's bathroom at school, then remembers that he is supposed to be a woman. Then he has to wait in line for the women's room. That sucks. Why is the women's room line always so long? I bet if our stalls didn't have doors on them like the men's urinals, we would all go much faster. Matt sits in his stereotypical women's studies class, then plays with Leah in the shower. A football lands in front of Lex, and when he goes to throw it back, he trips over his heels and falls. That joke is so old. Some guy opens the door for Matt, but then closes it in Lex's face. How is Lex supposed to be an uglier woman than Matt? The guy in the car drives by Lex and calls him fat again, and Lex checks out his butt in the mirror, then tries to Thighmaster it. I once thought that working out would make me thinner, but it actually adds muscle mass and made me bigger. I was pretty pissed about that. The montage ends with a shot of the three guys walking down the street in drag. Lex is wearing these really sweet leather pants.
Matt and Leah have a study session. He stares at her and makes her uncomfortable. She asks him what his problem is, and he quotes Shakespeare. She continues the quote, and then asks him if she should give him oral sex right at the table. Then she tells him off for thinking that a few lines of Shakespeare will get him ladies. Matt says he's not like that. Leah insists that he is. Then she insists on studying. Horror.
A big red dildo flies through Heather's window. How are the KOKs still allowed to do this? Don't the DOG girls call the campus police about it? That is so dangerous (and expensive). Heather locks her bedroom door and looks at the dildo interestedly.
Harland comes into the kitchen with a used plunger and bitches that the girls are clogging the toilet too much. If someone came into my kitchen with a used plunger, he would be really sorry, because I would probably repay the favor by peeing all over his bed. Don't be walking into my dining space with used plungers, okay? The moustache girl is in the kitchen, and she's upset because she doesn't have a boyfriend and she doesn't know why. Harland teaches her how to shave her moustache.
Matt In Drag is doing Leah's hair, and trying to put in a good word for Matt Not In Drag. Leah is not having it. The braid Matt puts in Leah's hair is bad.
Lex is trying to enjoy some alone time in the bathroom. He takes off his wig and reads the sports section of the paper like a real man. Someone keeps knocking on the bathroom door to get in and won't leave him alone. What a bitch. Lex storms into the bedroom and says he's leaving. But Harland has a plan! He gives Lex a roofie and tells him to put it in Oily Guy's drink and take the tape. Lex refuses, but Matt says that he will be Lex's back-up. And he reminds Lex that the only way he's going to get a good job is by getting on the KOKtail Kruise. Then Lex has an out-of-place vision of working in a rest home.
Lex and Oily Guy enter Oily Guy's bedroom, and he turns out the lights, changes into his other outfit, the bathrobe, in less than a second, and turns the lights back on. Then he tries to make out with Lex, but Lex insists on having a drink first. Oily Guy fixes up drinks for both of them.
Matt is trying to escape out of the Powerpuff bedroom window, but then Leah knocks on the door and asks him to help her wash her hair. Did Leah's arms fall off or something? How can she not wash her own hair?
Lex tries to distract Oily Guy so he can slip the roofie in his drink, but while he's doing that, Oily Guy is slipping his own roofie into Lex's drink. How is attempted date rape funny? I hate this movie. Lex and Oily Guy toast to Oily Guy losing his virginity. Well, that's sweet. Oily Guy downs his drink and then tackles Lex. Oily Guy has some serious issues with aggressiveness towards women.
Matt and Leah have girl talk in the shower. Leah tells Matt to stop poking her in the butt. I hate this movie.
There's a montage of Lex fighting off Oily Guy. It's not funny.
The DOG girls are having a meeting where they talk about how sorry they feel for themselves. I hate people like that. Harland opens up about peer pressure to crush beer cans on his head. Then he decides that they should all party. And so they smoke huge amounts of pot out of a gravity bong. That's a positive message to send to the audience. Good thing there wasn't much of an audience.
Matt is painting Leah's toenails in her bedroom. Leah asks Matt if he's ever had a boyfriend while we see that Matt has actually managed to paint part of her foot. Even that quadriplegic artist guy can do a better job than Matt at painting toenails. Leah holds Matt's hands and then…loud music starts up and Leah closes her window and yells about how the KOK house is so loud. But it's not the KOK house, it's the stoned DOGs! They're dancing around and kind of having an orgy. Weird…I thought Ecstasy made you do that, not pot. Matt massages Leah's shoulders, and she asks if he wants to "sleep over." Doesn't he live two doors down from her as it is?
Oily Guy finally passes out. Lex grabs the tape, but then he passes out and drops it in the pile of porno tapes that are going on the KOKtail Kruise.
In Leah's bed, Leah kisses Matt goodnight. She says she had a really good time. Leah is kind of lame, y'all. All she did was get her hair washed and her toenails painted badly. Then they kiss. This movie gets weirder and weirder. Matt jumps out of bed, holding a balloon in front of his crotch area, and says he's confused. Leah is too, and says she's sorry. Matt runs away, and Leah feels like an idiot.
In the living room, Harland falls through the table. The girls search him and find more pot. Haven't they had enough? They must be melting into the floor by now. Giantess breaks the bong with her brute strength. That means that the prop people for this film actually had to have constructed a break-away bong.
Morning at the KOK house. Lex wakes up hugging Oily Guy, then realizes what he's doing and is disgusted. He also realizes that he's lost the tape in the box of porn. He runs out of the bedroom -- and into the Walk of Shame! They do the chant, but Lex punches some guy in the face, then trips over his heels. He gets up, and some guy takes his picture. I wonder if Lex just learned his lesson.
Lex walks into the Powerpuff bedroom, and Harland asks him if he got the tape. Then they notice something on Lex's skirt. It's dried…uh, "Monica Lewinsky" stains. That's just great. I am now going to keep in the spirit of this film and order a keg. All for myself, so I can get through the rest of this. And I am not going to go cheap for this, either -- Sam Adams all the way! Matt runs in and asks about the tape. Lex asks him where the hell he was last night, then asks if it was with Leah. He can't believe that Matt would betray him for a DOG. Matt takes offense, and then tells Lex that he's an ugly woman. Lex says that Matt should have had his back last night, and Matt says that Oily Guy got there first. Then they have a fight, and Lex knocks Matt off the second floor balcony, which is kind of homicidal. Lex runs down the stairs, and Matt grabs two dildos, and they have a sword fight. It is stupid. I am a quarter of the way through my keg, and this movie is still pissing me off. Lex starts crying because he used to be cool and now he's an ugly girl. Matt consoles him, and then notices an ad for a powderpuff football game that apparently determines who gets to go on the KOKtail Kruise. Oh, good thing this plot development was mentioned earlier so as not to come completely out of nowhere. Matt and Lex decide to win the football game so they can get on the KOKtail Kruise.
At the football game, an entire section of bleachers is filled with KOKs cheering for the cool sorority team, while the DOGs only have one person in their bleachers. I'm trying to figure out when women's football games got so well-attended. The cool sorority girls are all wearing matching pink uniforms and mouthguards, and they are really into the football. I find that strange, because when I was in high school, the girls who acted like the cool sorority girls were always trying to get out of gym class because they hated activity. Me, I was having "personality conflicts" with the gym teacher, so I often found myself not being able to participate at all. And it was worth every damn minute!
The game starts, and the cool sorority girls are really intense. Harland catches the kickoff and is promptly kicked in the crotch by the other team. That's kind of weird, because I don't normally kick people I think are women in the crotch to make them fall over. I would probably kick them in the shins, or, if I could get the proper leg extension, the stomach. But the crotch? Not an area I would really consider. Anyways, Harland fumbles the ball; the cool sorority girls score, and he is out of the game. Lex is quarterbacking for his team, and he has really won me over. Lex is the only good thing about this movie. He looks like he's having fun with this, and that almost makes me think I'm having fun. Maybe that keg is starting to kick in. He throws to Matt, who gets rocked by the cool sorority girls so hard that he spins in mid-air. That was so gratifying to watch. He gets carried to the bench.
The KOKs fool around with the sprinkler system so that it goes off and all the cool sorority girls get wet t-shirts. Wow, sweet -- I can see their boobs through their shirts, kind of. That's really exciting for a heterosexual gal like me. Go, boobs. Lex is angry because the KOKs just used his patented trick. He sacks the cool sorority quarterback for revenge. The KOKs boo. Lex runs in a touchdown and does a victory dance. But his happiness is short-lived, because the cool sisters decide to bring his fat ass down. While he's hiking the ball -- and I have no idea how he could have just scored a touchdown and then gotten possession of the ball again, but whatever -- one of the girls stands up and announces that Oily Guy had anal sex with him. Lex is distracted and gets nailed by the girls, who then crowd around him and kick him wimpily. How is that not against the rules? They have a real referee for this game with yellow flags and everything -- why doesn't he call a penalty? I hate it when people get to cheat in movies when they'd never get away with that in real life. Lex gets sent to the bench, but is able to give the DOGs a peptalk about how they can do whatever they set their minds to. I really like Lex.
The DOGs start a play. Leah is the quarterback. She hands the ball off to Giantess, who gets brought down. But she's okay -- until the cool sisters call her a "freak." She is pissed, and gets the handoff again. This time she beats the crap out of everyone on her way to the end zone, including that lame referee. The DOGs win, hooray! The KOKs are not so pleased.
Lex is walking back from school when the guy in the car calls him a fat-ass again. Lex grabs a rock and throws it through his back windshield, causing the car to careen into a bus stop. While the guy probably deserved some kind of retribution for his behavior, I feel like what just happened to him was possibly fatal, and that's taking things a little too far. But I like Lex, so I'll let it go. We have to cling to the few things in this film that make us smile. Or at least think about smiling.
Matt, Lex, and Harland walk down the street, but they're wearing the same outfits and in the same positions that they were in an earlier scene, which means that someone got lazy and thought he could put something that belonged in this scene into a different one, and no one would notice. Some girl bumps into Lex and tells him to watch it, so he smacks her in the back with his pocketbook. Lex and Harland decide to go to the mall to buy supplies for the KOKtail Kruise.
Lex and Matt plan how they're going to get the tape from the boat. Matt is worried about what he will tell Leah when he doesn't need to dress up like a girl anymore. Lex is more concerned with finding a dress that hides his fat ass. He finds his size in a dress he likes and cheers, and it's funny. I don't know how Lex won me over, but he rocks.
The DOGs pull up at the KOKtail Kruise dock, but the boat is already leaving without them -- and with the cool sisters on it. They laugh at the DOGs. Lex and Matt are heartbroken, but Leah is determined to get on the boat, and Harland has a plan. I'm glad, since his character was established as being an idiot who likes watching his friend have sex, that he's the one coming up with all the good ideas. It makes total sense. The DOGs catch up to the KOKtail Kruise by boat.
On the Kruise, the KOK alums are being obnoxious and misogynistic to the ladies. Matt's dad is trying to find his son.
The DOGs sneak onto the boat, grabbing all the cool sisters and throwing them into a life raft. The KOKs suddenly realize that all the women are gone. The DOGs enter, and the KOKs are pissed. Oily Guy is happy to see Lex, though. Leah tries to get Matt to dance with her.
President HH tries to weasel in on the guy Matt's dad got him an interview with. Matt watches while Leah blabbers on about feelings. God, I hate it when women do that. Then she makes out with Matt. Damn, that girl is aggressive! The interview guy stops President HH from talking so he can see the lesbian action. Matt tells Leah that he's moving back to Minnesota and leaving the DOG house. Leah's not happy about this.
Lex bumps into Oily Guy, who is gross.
Matt, changed into his guy clothes, bumps into the interview guy.
Lex and Oily Guy dance. Lex is pissed.
Matt gets the job with the interview guy. Woooo. Then we see Matt changing back into his girl clothes, when Lex busts in on him, trying to escape Oily Guy. Matt tells him that he got the job, and they're all set. They hug, but then Leah comes in. Of all the unfortunate coincidences! She thinks that Lex and Matt are together, but for some reason they can't follow her because they both need to concentrate all their energies on finding the tape.
Interview Guy propositions Leah, and she slaps him. He tells his friends that she has an attitude and they should dogcatcher her. Below deck, Matt hears the dogcatcher whistle; he immediately knows it's for Leah and runs upstairs. Five old frat guys, including the interview guy and Matt's dad, are trying to throw Leah overboard, which seems a bit excessive, seeing as she could drown. Matt runs over and tells them to put her down. They don't listen, so Matt calls his dad in his real voice ---and that's all it takes for them to realize that he's actually Matt in drag. Matt pulls his wig off, and Leah is pretty upset, and so is his father. Lex runs to the front of the group and watches, but then Oily Guy tries to get on him again, so Lex reveals who he really is. Oily Guy is weirded out, but since that's how he's made me feel for the whole film, I think he deserves it. President HH runs to the front of the group with Harland and Harland's wig in his hand, and how was Harland the last one to be found out when he so obviously looked like a man this whole time? President HH wants to convene the high council, and then makes a mask out of a paper plate to do so.
Matt, Lex, and Harland have been stripped down to their bras (why?) and boxers, and the DOGs are being ferried back to shore. President HH asks if they have any last words, and Matt chooses this opportunity to tell us the lesson this movie is trying to teach us, about the right way to treat women. Harland pulls out a tape and says that it's of President HH stealing the money. Matt pulls Harland aside and asks him if that's the right tape. Harland doesn't think so. Matt decides to play it anyway. He turns it on, and there's Lex having sex with a girl doggie-style. I'm glad they found a way to get that in there. Everyone laughs, but then the tape changes over to President HH stealing the money. Suddenly the entire group turns on President HH, and I guess they did something to him involving grease and gerbils.
Lex gets sworn in as the president of KOK.
Matt sits outside the door to the DOG house. He tells Leah that he quit the KOK house. He tells Leah that he's happy that he got to know her, even though he had to lie to do it. He's kind of endearing in this scene. Kind of. Leah is still pissed at him.
Oily Guy and Lex have dinner together. Oily Guy is feeling uncomfortable. Lex asks him if they did anything together. Oily Guy flashes back to a scene of Lex passed out and Oily Guy rising up behind him. Not cool. Oily Guy tells Lex that nothing happened. But wouldn't Lex kind of know if he had been anally penetrated? I'm just saying -- not I'd know or anything.
The KOKs go to a social at the DOG house, and Lex introduces Oily Guy to Heather. Why would Lex think that it is a good idea to bring Oily Guy around any girls after what happened?
Harland and the French girl feed each other cake.
Giantess is having a fun time with Token Black Frat Guy.
Matt is alone on the couch -- I thought he quit the KOKs. Whatever. Leah sits down to him and tells him to tell his female alter-ego that she misses her. Then they make out.
The credits roll over a shot of the cool sorority girls, who are still adrift from the Kruise. They are happy that they have gotten great tans and lost weight. Oh, this is sad -- Mark Mothersbaugh from Devo did the songs for this film. Did he and Heather think they were a part of a different movie or something?
And the film ends with the same amount of taste it has shown throughout -- the cool sisters are throwing a Donner party and eating themselves.