“ Matt's hair has been slightly improved for the film, but it still looks like a greasy version of that haircut middle-aged women get when they decide they're too old for long hair. ”
Hello, and welcome to my recap of Sorority Boys. Being a college student myself, as well as a film major, I think I am uniquely qualified to author this piece. Surely this film will accurately and favorably mirror today's college students.
But first we start with some black-and-white still photos of fraternities in the fifties, scored with regal music. Here is a picture of some wacky guys going downstairs -- on their hands! And there's a picture of some dowdy fifties cheerleaders -- hanging from a pole! Two of them are wearing horn-rimmed glasses. And there's a guy playing pool -- wearing women's clothing! And smoking a pipe! Wow, college sure was lame in the fifties.
Another black-and-white still photo of an elegant Tudor house, with a sign in front of it that reads "KOK," suddenly comes to life and turns color. Ah, now we're going to see some real college antics. Some guy wearing a mask starts talking about "the high council." Then we see that he's talking to a quartet of naked guys who are bound together by rope. What the hell is this? Apparently they are guilty of teaching the KOK handshake to a girl. Please don't think that the fact that KOK sounds just like "cock" has been lost on me -- I just didn't feel the need to even remark on a joke so lame. Although I guess I kind of just did, so why don't I go ahead and say this: the KOK thing is lame, and it won't be the first time Greek initials spell out something symbolic and "funny" in this clever little cinematic gem. You just wait. But back to the four naked boys. Apparently their punishment for their crime involves grease and a gerbil. I guess this is a joke, but I find the whole frats as dens of repressed homosexuality implication to be much more interesting. Unfortunately, we won't get a chance to explore this further, because Barry Watson (Dopey from 7th Heaven!) suddenly enters the room and ruins everything, including, I would say, the rest of this film. This is a statement I can't make for his work on 7th Heaven, as that has already been ruined more than anything could possibly be by Brenda Hampton. Matt's hair has been slightly improved for the film, but it still looks like a greasy version of that haircut middle-aged women get when they decide they're too old for long hair. Some women never make this realization, and that always has the unfortunate result of long nasty gray hair or long nasty dyed purple hair. But I digress into more interesting topics. Matt talks to the mask guy, who is apparently the president of the frat, and says they need the room for the party, so President Mask Guy will have to finish his ceremony somewhere else. President Mask Guy takes his mask off to reveal that he has the third highest hairdo of all time, just behind Marge Simpson and my third grade teacher. He also has a high voice. I guess that's supposed to be funny, because men who have the misfortune of being born with not too much testosterone are funny.
Sorority Boys
“ How did this film get a big enough budget to be made, but not big enough to buy Lex a somewhat-realistic looking wig? It looks like the gerbil we saw earlier escaped from his cage and jumped on Rosenbaum's head, and then had a bunch of babies. ”
Michael Rosenbaum enters the scene on some kind of wagon with a small keg on it. He is being pulled by some faceless women wearing bikinis. I know I always go out and party in style by wearing my beach clothes, so this isn't unusual. You might recognize Rosenbaum as Lex Luthor from Smallville -- but then again, you might not, because his usually shiny baldness is covered by a cap and the worst wig ever. How did this film get a big enough budget to be made, but not big enough to buy Lex a somewhat-realistic looking wig? It looks like the gerbil we saw earlier escaped from his cage and jumped on Rosenbaum's head, and then had a bunch of babies. Anyway, Lex drives onto the scene, whipping the girls along as they pull him. While I might tolerate this misogynistic behavior from, say, Tom Welling (and only because he is the most attractive man alive), I would definitely have kicked Lex in the crotch fifty-seven times by now.
President High-Hair is displeased by this turn of events, and he shrilly complains about Lex and Matt's insubordination. They respond by laughing at him. I find it strange that the frat prez isn't already at the party -- at my school they seem to award the frat presidency to the guy who is the biggest and most popular partier, not the lamest and most responsible. Matt and Lex, whose real character names are Dave and Adam respectively, tell Pres. HH in less eloquent terms that perhaps a round of intercourse with a member of the opposite sex would improve his dour demeanor. He responds by saying "fuck you," which admittedly did sound pretty funny with that high voice of his.
Outside the frat, we are introduced to another character, the president of the campus sorority that all the women who don't get into the cool sororities end up joining in a pathetic last attempt to get friends. That's what I'm guessing, anyway; we only have one sorority on my campus, and they don't even have their own house (because our New England state's blue laws prohibit co-habitation of more than eight women in a single house, for fear that it would lead to a prostitution ring. I don't see this could possibly still be a real law, but the sisters said it was, so I guess I'll believe them), so I didn't have any reason to join. Female companionship be damned! Anyway, the sorority president is wearing glasses and slightly baggy clothes, and her blonde hair has been pulled back into a ponytail, thus making her "dowdy" and "unattractive." She is handing out fliers to all women entering the frat party about how frats preserve antiquated standards of femininity. None of the women she talks to is very receptive. And I wouldn't be either, because I hate being solicited, especially by people who use big words.
Matt is talking to someone off-screen about how he wants to be set up with a woman he "can have an actual conversation with." Then we see who he's talking to; it's a dog named Brutus. That joke is never funny, not when it's on 7th Heaven (where it happens at least once an episode) and certainly not here.
Sorority Boys
And here's a shot of a container of brightly colored dildos. I would like to take this time to applaud the art director on his visceral sense of color and composition -- those dildos look great. And now we see some guys sling-shotting the dildos over some trees and into a sign that says, "Delta Omicron Gamma: Proud to Be Women Since 1908." This must be the loser sorority, and how funny is it that their Greek initials spell out "dog"? Anyone? Oh, wait -- I thought I heard a laugh, but that turned out to be one of my housemates in the other room; she was watching something with actual jokes in it. Lucky her.
Two of the three girls who were solicited outside the frat house fix their hair and make-up in a mirror, and take this downtime to exposit that their solicitor is the president of the DOG sorority and that she's always doing protests about some kind of woman-hating thing or another.
Oh, crap, it's Harland Williams. You know, I saw him on the cover, but I still hoped beyond hope that he would not be in this movie. How the hell is he even playing a college student? Isn't he fifty years old by now? But this is explained by him being a tenth-year student as he looks at pictures of the last few years and talks to himself about how he doesn't remember any of them.
Brutus walks up to one of the girls from the mirror, and then Matt comes in holding two beers and a hot dog. He throws the hot dog to Brutus. Matt starts quoting Shakespearian sonnets in the mirror girl's face, and she responds by asking him if it's true that he drives a BMW. Matt laughs and tells Brutus that he's a bad dog, and that's the last time you will see Matt's beloved pet.
Then we see an "ugly" girl wearing "dowdy" clothes, taking pictures of the room. Lex is holding a guitar for no obvious reason and getting his groove on with the other mirror girl, but she is distracted by the presence of the ugly girl. Lex calls Harland Williams over, and they agree to get rid of her because she is from DOG, and if they let one DOG girl into their parties, then they all will want to come. Yes, I'm sure they're all just lining up to try some of your Natty Ice keg and get felt up by sweaty guys. Frat parties are really fun that way. Harland whispers to some other guy, who blows a whistle and screams "dogcatcher!" The lead singer from Smash Mouth suddenly appears with a net, and isn't he pushing fifty by now as well? On second glance, it's not the lead singer from Smash Mouth but a guy who looks just like him -- unfortunately for that guy. I am relieved, because for a second there I was afraid I was going to have to hear "All-Star" as part of yet another film's soundtrack. Smash Mouth and some other guy throw the net over the poor girl as she struggles passively.
Sorority Boys
The ugly DOG prez yammers on about how if the frat guys want a war, then they will give them a war. Right now she is wearing a bathrobe and standing inches away from the lit fireplace. That is so dangerous, especially if the robe is flannel. I kind of wouldn't mind it if the DOG prez did catch on fire right now, because she is boringly expositing on the history of the sorority to her similarly pajama-clad sisters. Some ugly girl who looks like Harland Williams in drag is in a portrait over the fireplace, and DOG Prez talks about how she founded DOG on principals of respect and yawn yawn yawn. I have decided that I hate this movie, as I hate anything that portrays feminists as bookish, humorless, lesbian militants. DOG prez talks about how "Patty" was heroic for obtaining information about the frat, and we see that Patty, the girl who got ensnared in the scene, is seated on the couch with an icepack on her head and she looks all disheveled and how is implicit violence against women at all funny? I'm probably just a humorless feminist. DOG pres shows her sisters a bunch of still photographs on the TV of the KOK party. How did still photographs that were taken with a non-digital camera get on the TV? I have no idea. One of them is off a topless woman standing on a table. That never happens at parties at my school, except for the semi-annual naked party, which is designed to show nudity as a non-sexual form of beauty. My school is really liberal. We have an entire convenience store aisle devoted to organically grown granola, no joke.
Suddenly, a big black dildo comes flying through the window. The sisters are shocked and/or confused, as if anyone in college doesn't know by then what a dildo is. The KOK guys cheer. The dildo vibrates. That is a pretty expensive model to just be spending money on as a frivolous joke! Not that I would know the approximate retail price of big black vibrating dildos, but I'm just saying, it looks like a pretty costly apparatus. DOG Prez grabs some tongs from behind the television, which seems like a pretty inconvenient place to put them, and steps on the dildo until it smokes and then picks it up with the tongs. Then she throws it in a bin filled with all the other dildos the frat has sent to them.
It's morning at the KOK house, and Matt is drinking tea and reading something. He walks to a safe and opens it to reveal a lot of money. Lex wakes up in bed with two girls. Good for him, I guess. Oh, yuck -- Harland Williams is lying around in just his underwear. He burps. I wish he weren't in this film. One of Lex's girls tries to make future plans with him, but Lex is noncommittal. The other girl puts her skirt on and leaves the room, only to be faced with a hallway full of frat boys who jeer at her and chant about her taking the Walk of Shame. Ah, yes, the Walk of Shame. I'm not sure if it's better taken in front of a large group of jeering guys or alone, all alone, in the early morning dusk, with only your thoughts of how slutty you just were to keep you company. Or so I've heard. At the end of the hall, one of the frat guys takes her picture with a Polaroid, and how do any of these guys get girls if this is what they do to them afterwards? Why is the girl surprised that this is happening to her when it's already happened to all her sisters at the cool sorority?
Sorority Boys
“ This is turning into an episode of Saved by the Bell, where the six main characters were the only members of, like, every school club. Except the math club -- that was for those two recurring nerd characters. ”
While the other girl gets dressed, Lex affixes the Polaroid to his "Hall of Shame," which is filled with pictures of other girls who all look surprised. Again, I don't understand how this could be a shock. At my school, if you're a guy who gets around too much and you treat girls like crap, you get your name written on the bathroom wall and then no one will hook up with you ever again. The other girl jumps out the window to avoid the Walk of Shame; at least she's smart. Except that the window is on the second or third floor, so it probably would have been better if she had just taken the Walk, because now she has broken bones.
The frat boys are having a meeting at which they all have to wear black robes. Does that really happen in frats? I honestly don't know. Some little oily guy is complaining to Lex that Lex always gets fine girls and he doesn't get any. He solicits Lex's advice. Lex's wig looks worse and worse as this movie goes on. Lex tells the oily guy to bring his expected quality down. President HH tries to bring the meeting to order, but no one listens to him until the huge token black frat brother tells them to shut up. President HH thanks him and exposits about the KOKtail Kruise (at least, that's how I'm assuming it's spelled) and how all the KOK alums come to it and give the frat boys jobs -- if the Kruise is good. President HH is concerned that this year's Kruise is "in grave danger." He asks the "social committee" to rise, and what a shock! The social committee is Matt, Lex, and Harland Williams. This is turning into an episode of Saved by the Bell, where the six main characters were the only members of, like, every school club. Except the math club -- that was for those two recurring nerd characters. President HH accuses the social committee of embezzling all the Kruise Kash. Matt says he just checked the safe and all the money was there. The entire frat goes to check, and it turns out that the money is gone! Matt is nonplussed, as usual.
Matt, Lex, and Harland Williams get chased out of the frat, and for some reason they aren't wearing pants. And now it's nighttime and they're sitting in Matt's BMW. Harland Williams wants to split the money and go their separate ways. Ew, there's a close-up of Harland's face and he has three chins. Lex and Matt explain to Harland that they don't have the money because President HH framed them and took it for himself. Matt leaves to go deal with his father, whatever that means.
Matt's dad -- who is not RevCam in this film, unfortunately for all you Stephen Collins fans. And I know there's got to be one or two. At the very least, his wife. Anyway -- Matt's dad tells him that he's set his son up with a really good interview on the KOKtail Kruise. Whoops! Matt's dad further rubs it in by sliding Matt over to his colleagues, who also apparently were KOK members. They are all misogynistic. Matt's dad then insists that Matt do "the strut" for everyone. What does that mean? I don't know, but Matt goes into a slightly advanced version of the chicken dance until he does a lame pratfall.
Sorority Boys
Back at the BMW, Lex asks if he was made to do the strut. Oh, good -- they put a hat on Lex so I don't have to see his fake hair. I wish they would give Matt a hat too. And give Harland a paper bag. A full-body paper bag. Matt tells Lex that if the guy he has an interview with finds out they stole money from KOK, they'll never get jobs. So they'll just have to prove that President HH stole the money. Harland pipes up about some videotape -- apparently, Lex has a motion-activated video camera set on his bed that clandestinely records him having sex with all the cool sorority sisters. Harland found all his tapes one day and masturbated to them. I am not quite sure what this movie is going to do to make me actually like these main characters, but it will have to involve giving me a lot of money and doing my dishes at the very least. Harland continues that the tape shows the safe at all times, so there would be a recording of President HH stealing the money. Lex points out that they can't get the tape because they aren't allowed in the KOK house. "The only thing walking through that door is tits!" he says. But Harland has "a plan." I wonder if it will involve them dressing up as women? Just a hunch.
Three women come to the door of the KOK house -- but they look strangely familiar! Wait a minute -- it's Matt, Lex, and Harland in drag! That's hilariously original! Matt looks surprisingly good as a woman, by the way, and Lex kind of does too. Sadly, Harland has managed to make himself even uglier. They enter the party and split up. Lex goes to his room to get the tape, but that little oily guy is in there. He says that this is his room now since he's the new head of the Social Committee. Then he rubs his nipple. Guys rubbing their own nipples? Never funny. Then he closes the door when Lex tries to leave, which is, like, so wrong that it wouldn't be funny even if it were actually funny, which it isn't. Did that make sense? Anyway, then oily guy takes his robe off, and there's a small penis joke. ["Wait, is it a small joke about a penis, or a joke about a smallokay, you know what? I don't want to know." -- Sars]
Harland tries to befriend the cool sorority girls, but they are mean to him because he's ugly. I didn't think this film could portray women in a more negative light than it already has, but there you go. Harland sits on the couch and is soon joined by Matt and Lex. Then they get dogcatchered. In front of the DOG house, the three guys struggle with the net. The DOG prez comes out and rescues them. They try to leave, but the girl invites them in for food. As they eat, DOG Prez and the rest of the sisters crowd around and try to get them to pledge. Somehow, they are able to offer them free room and board for the first semester.
Outside in the hall, some of the DOG sisters are hesitant to allow such ugly girls into their sorority. Whoa, is that Heather Matarazzo? How the hell did she need money this badly? That's so sad.