“ Eric isn't just a client. He's also the president. Naggin' Wagon Industries, when you just want to bludgeon people with your turgid platitudes! ”
Inside the CamPound, Eric walks around aimlessly upstairs, hears voices below ("You're wrong." "No, you're wrong!"), and heads downstairs to check things out. Because hearing strange voices in his house isn't cause for alarm; it only means it's time to get your preach on. If you don't know who's arguing in your living room, don't call 911. Call the Naggin' Wagon! Eric isn't just a client. He's also the president. Naggin' Wagon Industries, when you just want to bludgeon people with your turgid platitudes!
Eric tiptoes downstairs, one hand over his heart (hint: he just had bypass surgery, and this gesture is a subtle reminder that he's still on the mend. Plus, anvils are heavy. And, I hate this stupid show). Downstairs, a rabbi and a little Muslim girl walk into a bar...I mean, "are arguing." Have you ever heard this one? A man is walking though a Belfast alleyway, late at night. Someone sneaks up behind him, holds a knife to his throat, and asks, "Are ye Catholic, or are ye Protestant?" The man sweats as he wonders how to answer. Finally he blurts out, "I'm Jewish!" The man holding the knife chuckles and says, "Aye, I've got to be the luckiest Arab in Belfast tonight!" It's good if you do it with an Irish accent. Get it -- because the Arabs hate the Jews, "ha" "ha"! Oh, it's funny because it's true. But if all the conflict of late makes you nervous about such jokes, substitute Turks and Greeks, or Yankees and Southerners. It's all about the accent when you tell the joke, see. But all this conflict doesn't scare Barry Watson. He's all, conflict? HA! Bring it on. He can take the scariest of real-life issues and water them down 'til they're weaker than a kitten. He can pablum it up with infants until they crawl away, bored with the topic. Yes, Barry Watson -- genius of the mundane. Anyway, the rabbi, played by Richard Lewis (I love him on Curb Your Enthusiasm, hate him on this slop) and the little Muslim girl face off and go at it. He says his "team" has "more spirit, yes [they] do." They have more spirit, how about you? The little girl screams, WE'VE GOT SPIRIT, YES WE DO! No, but I'd love it if they went back and forth like this for a while. Then, a round of "tastes great!" "Less filling!" Of course, "tastes great" wins. The Rabbi's team has "more heart" and they "play to win." The Muslim girl says her team "actually wins, a lot. Face it, most of the time, we are the champions." My friend. They'll keep on fighting. To the end. Which may be soon! Just kidding. Not really. Rabbi Lewis is all, "We may have once been the lovable losers, but now we are formidable foes." I know who the suckiest sucks that ever sucked are. They start with a number seven, and the second part rhymes with...well, you know. And he doesn't want to talk history with a little girl, so he offers to skip over "1969 and 1986."
Peer Pressure
Rabbi Lewis feels incredibly guilty that RevEric has been replaced. Or, he "can't get over the feeling that this has everything to do with [him]." How many characters on this show feel that they are the center of the universe? Rabbi Lewis clutches himself and doubles over, berating himself for letting the congregation out ten minutes early, just so they could be first in line at the new restaurant down the street. He should have been sure all of them "were drenched in the blood of the lamb." Which is, again, exactly? Rabbi Lewis isn't quite sure, and the imagery also makes him sick. RevEric says, "It's Jesus." Rabbi Lewis says, "Oh, I'm sorry." Heh. Sorry about the whole Jesus-being-crucified thing? Sure you are. Actually, Christians should thank the Jews for that. What drama! What great imagery! I mean, that was the whole high point of the Bible! It's not like The Odyssey, with sirens and testicle-eating dogs and giant hydras -- you know, something to look forward to in every chapter. The Odyssey beats the Bible cold for creative acts of violence. Then Eric ruins the whole thing by saying that the blood of the lamb is "a metaphor, and has nothing to do with" Rabbi Lewis. "Not that Jesus has nothing to do with you," since everyone knows Jesus was black -- I mean, "Jewish" -- but the associate pastor thing has nothing to do with Rabbi Lewis. Rabbi Lewis still can't believe it. RevEric is all, you should meet this guy. Or maybe not. Maybe we should go and spy on him. Spy on the new associate pastor? I can't think of anything more stupid. Well, the idea that Eric and Rabbi Lewis are like Starsky and Hutch is pretty stupid. Rabbi Lewis says the idea gives him heartburn. That, and he doesn't want to drive, since the person that drives is always the person that gets arrested. Okay, that's the stupidest thing.
Lucy ambushes Simon in the upstairs hallway. Ooh, Simon's going on a ride-along with the two dullest cops in the universe, Roxanne and Kevin! She's completely manic about the idea. Simon knows Lucy wants something, and she does -- she wants him to spy on Kevin and Roxanne. Like, is Roxanne seeing anyone? Was she ever engaged? Who does she want to date? Is she hot for Kevin? Do they have hot cop sex in their cop car, with its cop shocks, cop brakes, and cop carburetors? Do they laugh at Lucy's ignorance when they're doing it with each other? And most importantly, does Roxanne like board games? Because the woman that likes board games is not a woman Lucy wants her man to be around. Or maybe the opposite is true. It's really hard to tell.