It's breakfast time at the CamPound. You know how a balanced breakfast is supposed to get you off to a good start, so that you think better and make rational decisions? Well, I can't tell you what the humans (and Kevin) are eating, but Happy is chowing down on what looks like a handful of Cheerios someone has tossed on the floor. This insignificant breakfast must be the only thing that's keeping her from making the sane and logical decision to leave and find another family -- one that actually cares about her welfare. Hey, and here comes the poster girl for sanity and logic now. It's Annie, and she's here to tell the family that Eric is feeling a little down because he's still recovering from last week's heart surgery and can't go back to work yet. Don't waste too much time sympathizing, though, because Annie's got a plan which is sure to get him feeling great again. Of course, it's possible her plan is totally stupid to begin with, and that it will go horribly wrong anyway and make RevCam feel even worse than he does. But things like that only happen on poorly written, cliché-riddled shows, so we probably have nothing to worry about here. And just what is Annie's plan? Well, she wants all the kids to take their problems to RevCam and ask for his help in solving them. So, that sounds to me like she wants them to ask RevCam to meddle in their business. Aw, man -- he must be feeling terribly down if he's not already doing that voluntarily.
Annie leaves, and even though nobody is staring at Lucy, the dumb-ass defensively says, "I don't have any problems!" Lucy has become such a caricature that such statements are barely worth an eye-roll these days. Moving right along, Ruthie helpfully proceeds to spell out everyone's problems. According to her, Simon wants to ask out that vile Cecilia, but he's too scared to ask her. Robbie wants to date Roxanne, but he's also too scared to make a move. Lucy's problem, apparently, is not the fact that she has a negative IQ, but that she doesn't want Roxanne around her man. Ben's and Kevin's problems have something to do with Ben not leaving today as he'd promised he would. Ugh, whatever. Can anyone even tell me why Ben is still on the show? Does Brenda like staring at him? Does he have hidden talents, like the ability to belch the alphabet, that amuse the writers? Is he Aaron Spelling's nephew? Ruthie's problem is that she's wearing the ugliest ski cap I've ever seen, and she's wearing it indoors, which makes the whole thing even worse. And for someone who's allegedly so smart, how come she chose totally innocuous non-problems instead of going after the real issues? I shudder to imagine what kind of subplots will emerge from the "problems" Ruthie outlined.
Uh-oh -- it looks like we've got even bigger problems, though. I see from the opening credits that both Ashlee Simpson and Rachel Blanchard are going to be on the show this week. Rachel Blanchard has already worn out any goodwill I might have felt toward her for all those fun years of Clueless, and Ashlee Simpson earned my dislike the minute she opened her mouth. So, that's the sort of episode it's going to be. Eek.
My goodness -- this week's Opening Credits Timewaster is certainly risque! RevCam is taking off his clothes, and he's going it right in front of us! I wonder why they didn't save this scene for November sweeps. Oh, now I know why. It's because this might be the least sexy striptease anyone has ever performed. There's RevCam folding up his tie neatly and laying out his trousers on the bed so they don't wrinkle. Annie comes in. She's not terribly turned on by the strip show either. When RevCam whines at great length that nobody needs him, Annie patronizes him. They're both so annoying, though, that the only people I feel any sympathy for are the viewers.
Robbie accosts Lucy to find out if she's been telling Kevin not to help him in his quest to date Roxanne. Lucy just shrugs. Robbie says he thought she had "made peace" with Roxanne, which prompts Lucy to ask this thoroughly distasteful question: "She's gorgeous; her uniform's too tight; her hair is too shiny; she wears too much lip gloss; and she drives around in a car all day with my soon-to-be-fiancé, and you think I made peace with her?" Lucy, you know, a smart girl would make peace with her boyfriend's partner. Hell, even a fairly dumb girl might see how it would be to her advantage not to display jealousy so ostentatiously. I can't help but wonder if Brenda is trying consciously to create the world's most repugnant stereotype of a dumb blonde. Surely she must realize that she's pretty much accomplished that goal. Or does she actually think she can make Lucy even stupider somehow? Honestly, I'm not sure that's physically possible. The fact that Lucy claims she's leaving because she has "a paper to research" affords me the best laugh I've had in a while.
Ruthie encounters RevCam, who's still busy feeling sorry for himself. She tries to perk him up by telling him that Simon needs help. How sad it is that this attempt succeeds in piquing the Revster's interest.
Up in the uninhabitable Garage Treehouse, Kevin "T-1000" Kinkirk and lame-ass Ben are arguing over the fact that Ben does not want to go back to Buffalo. Kevin displays a brief moment of usefulness by pointing out that Ben is just a firefighter who couldn't possibly have all this vacation time to spend in Glenoak. He interrogates his brother about his apparent reluctance to go home, but he doesn't get very far. Ben claims he wants to stay in Glenoak to "hang out" with Kevin because he's missed his company. For all Kevin's faults, at least he's smart enough to realize that no one could possibly feel that way about him. Don't get too excited about this incipient sign of intelligence, though; after all, Kevin's still dumb enough to want to continue interrogating Ben.
Ruthie sees RevCam leaving Simon's room. Apparently, Simon did not want his father's help. Ruthie just can't leave well enough alone, and she keeps pushing Eric to interfere in Simon's business so that the boy won't start another escort service. RevCam gets suspicious that Ruthie is "up to" something. I'm sure she is, but that doesn't mean anyone needs to be interested. So just shut up, Eric, and go back to being pantsless, or whatever it is you do for fun these days.
Lucy is wearing a particularly blank look while she stares at an espresso machine. Is she wondering how she can afford luxury coffees when she has no visible means of income? Of course not! Lack of funds never stops anyone from doing what they want in Glenoak! An older guy named Paul comes up to talk to her. He pretends to be glad to see her. Paul is developmentally challenged. I realize there's a potential joke in there, but I really don't enjoy making fun of the developmentally disabled. Paul tells Lucy he quit his job at Pete's Pizza because he's "going to be a star" in his new job in "show business." This is supposed to be something of a cliffhanger moment, as we cut to commercial, but since we've only just met Paul, I'm not going to pretend I care.
After the break, we find Lucy and Pete doing a little expositioning about the Famous People Players -- a black-light theater company whose performers are all developmentally challenged. I can't believe I've never heard of them before, especially since they're based in Toronto, about two blocks away from where I used to work. The exposition is pretty clumsily written, which is too bad, since it's much more interesting than anything else I've seen onscreen this week. Paul wants Lucy to convince his overprotective brother to allow him to join the Famous People Players. Sure, Paul -- good luck with that. But just in case Lucy doesn't work out, you might want to get a backup plan in place -- like asking some random stranger off the street. Or Happy the dog.
Just don't ask the Boring Buffalo Brother Beaux. They're too busy battling it out in the Garage Treehouse. I know you're probably thinking the argument is about something deep and philosophical, but the truth is that Ben is still claiming he wants to stay in Glenoak so he can hang with Kevin, and Kevin is still trying to find out why Ben is really staying. And it's just as boring as it was a few minutes ago.
It really looks like David Gallagher is serious about pursuing a musical career, since this makes two weeks in a row that Simon has been seen strumming his guitar. Unfortunately, his guitar-playing seems to have conjured up Cecilia, who walks into his room. If I were you, Simon, I'd burn that guitar, pronto. There's just no telling what evil demon it might conjure up .
Robbie is whining to Kevin about the fact that he and Lucy aren't helping Robbie in his quest to date the odious Roxanne. Kevin never misses an opportunity to deliver a smug lecture, and this occasion is no exception. It's true that Robbie's whining is kind of annoying, but having to watch Kevin say things like, "What you need to do is take some responsibility and be a man," is just excruciating. Of course, it's easy for Cyborg Kevin to talk about being "a man," knowing he'll never have to make the effort himself. After a bit more of the pompous lecturing, the T-1000 turns to leave.
He's rudely shoved aside by Simon, who's on his way to talk to RevCam. It seems Eric is the one who called Cecilia over -- without ever asking Simon's permission. Robbie laughs uproariously to find out that there is a girl in Simon's room, while Kevin and Simon head off to talk to RevCam.
So, why did Eric invite Cecilia over? He knows Simon likes her, and he wanted to "move things along" for him. Okay, but doesn't that make him something of a procurer? I know he's not expecting Cecilia to have sex with his son, but then, Simon wasn't actually having sex with any of his clients when he was running his escort service either. So, by 7th Heaven standards, I'm really not sure how RevCam can do this without calling himself a pimp. Oh, but I'm forgetting that, except for the ban on premarital sex, all other morality is completely random on 7H. I'm also not sure why Simon even likes Cecilia anyway. Didn't she rat him out to the CamRents and get him in a whole mess of trouble? Hey, it's not like her sparkling personality would ever make up for that or anything.
After Simon leaves, Kevin gets down to lecturing RevCam. First, he takes him to task for telling Ben he could stay in the CamPound for as long as he likes. Then he tells him to mind his own business. Way to pick on the helpless convalescent, Kevin. And don't forget -- this guy is gonna be your father-in-law one day. Don't you think respect might be the wiser route here? It is pretty funny that, recovery or not, RevCam doesn't put up any fight whatsoever. I'm thinking he must really want to unload Lucy on Kevin and is afraid of queering the deal if he calls the cyborg on his rudeness.
Simon is pacing in the CamKitchen, obviously trying to avoid Cecilia. When Annie and Kevin come in, Simon starts bitching about RevCam. He and Kevin figure out that Ruthie must have something to do with this, so they embark on a search for the little troll.
Lucy comes in and asks her mother, "Did a man come here asking for me?" Does she mean the representative from the Nobel Committee? Because I did hear rumors they were planning to offer an award for Fugliest Hair this year. Annie hasn't seen anyone, and before Lucy gets a chance to explain, we hear the doorbell, and Lucy rushes off to answer the door.
RevCam comes into the kitchen and whines about his uselessness some more. Considering it's just a temporary situation while he recovers from his heart surgery, I'm not exactly brimming with sympathy. Eric goes outside -- to sulk, I'd imagine.
It's Ruthie's turn to be bitched out by Cyborg Kevin. I realize she's been very annoying and her entire subplot blows, but is that any reason to subject her to the idiotic lectural stylings of Kevin? That seems a pretty cruel punishment. After Kevin finishes administering his patriarchal correction and leaves, Ruthie takes off her ski hat dejectedly. I really hope the hat wasn't marketed as a thinking cap. If so, she should probably see about getting a refund.
Down in the CamKitchen, Lucy is introducing the CamRents to Paul's brother and sister-in-law, Lenny and Marie. After pushing the visitors off in the direction of RevCam's office, Lucy explains that they are here to discuss Paul's desire to join the Famous People Players. RevCam starts enthusing about how great it makes him feel to know that someone needs his help. Just as he really gets going, Annie cuts in to tell him that Lenny and Marie are here to talk to Lucy, not him. Hey, Brenda, do you think we could have yet another orgy of self-pity from RevCam? Because it's just so great to see that every time Eric is on-camera.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but Lucy is doing a good job of trying to convince Lenny and Marie that Paul should be allowed to join the Famous People Players. In fact, it's hard to believe this is the same character I've grown to despise so much over the past year. She's not screeching at them or acting irrational. Isn't it sad that my standards for Camden behavior have slid so far that I'm actually commending Lucy just for acting normal? Unfortunately, Lenny and Marie are having a hard time accepting the theater troupe as an option for Paul. They seem to mean well, but they're just not open to the idea of Paul doing something new. Faced with this opposition, Lucy doesn't know what to do, so she shuts up. For a change, I'm wishing she hadn't.
Now, RevCam -- he really needs to shut up. He's regaling Paul with his sad tale of feeling useless. The fact that Paul manages to listen to it while not giving a hint of how boring it is proves that he possesses enough acting ability to set any stage on fire. The rest of the scene is nice, though, and Paul and RevCam have a good rapport.
Then Ruthie has to come out and ruin it all. She barely acknowledges Paul before interrupting to say that she needs Eric's help with a problem. When RevCam dejectedly suggests that Ruthie take her problem to Annie instead, Paul encourages him to help, saying, "Don't give up. You can do it."
Cyborg Kevin calls Roxanne on her cell phone. She's just getting off duty from the Promenade beat. It can't have been very taxing. It seems like the worst thing that ever happens there is when RevCam stalks his children. Since he's got such a full schedule wallowing in self-pity these days, crime must really be down on the Promenade. Anyway, Kevin tells Roxanne, "I'm doing something I don't think I should do." Well, gross! I really hope he's not talking about polishing the ol' CyborgSchlong. At least Roxanne doesn't take it that way, but her interpretation is infinitely worse. She automatically assumes that Kevin is asking her out on a date. What the fuck is wrong with all these people? Even when Kevin adamantly insists that he's not asking her out, Roxanne still coyly assumes that he is. And when he tells her, point-blank, that he's not interested in her, she looks genuinely confused. What possible reason could Kevin have to be calling her if he's not asking her out on a date? I mean, gawd, like, really! It turns out Kevin is calling to tell her that Robbie likes her. I'm sure we all got enough of that sort of shtick when we were in junior high, so I'll just move right along. Oh, but I almost forgot to mention that Roxanne asks if Lucy is trying to make Kevin keep Roxanne and Robbie apart. Kevin doesn't answer. See, I wouldn't have bothered even mentioning that at all, but it might help to know about it later when this sad excuse for a subplot rears its ugly head again.
Thanks to RevCam, Cecilia thinks that Simon has something important to tell her, and she's refused to leave his room until he does so. Consequently, Simon and Cecilia have been sitting silently in Simon's room for hours. Cecilia finally breaks the silence to offer her guess on what Simon is allegedly so desperate to tell her. It's long and boring and poorly worded, but what it boils down to is that Cecilia thinks Simon wants to be her friend but he doesn't know how to tell her so. She could use someone to talk to about the difficulties in her relationship with some football player. That doesn't exactly sound like a great friendship to me, but this is Cecilia we're talking about, and she's never struck me as the nicest person in town.
Lucy is taking a break from her disastrous counseling session to make some tea when the phone rings. It's Roxanne, asking, "What is your problem, and who do you think you are?" With only twenty minutes or so left in the show, there's obviously not nearly enough time to cover all that, so Roxanne just moves on to the part of the conversation where she mocks the fact that Kevin hasn't proposed to Lucy yet. I'm torn. I can't stand Roxanne, and I'm not overly impressed with her attitude, but on the other hand, she is making fun of Lucy, and that always warms my heart. comes the threat. Roxanne warns Lucy, "If Robbie likes me, it's in your best interests not to get in the way of that. Let's just say, if you get in my business, I'm going to get in your business. And Lucy, you do not want me getting in your business." Lucy is naïve enough to look scared by this. Dork.
Ruthie's big problem (or at least the one she wanted to talk to RevCam about) is that she knows one of her friends at school, Alice, is being abused by her parents. The parents are allegedly withholding food from Alice and being "mean" to her. RevCam wants to intervene, but Ruthie is trying to stop him. It's pretty obvious that she is making all this up as a way to give Eric something to do.
Roxanne is still hanging out on the lame Promenade, even though her shift is long over. I guess the producers just couldn't be bothered to move her onto another set. Anyway, Robbie calls her and makes a nervous joke about it being a long time since they last talked. Roxanne tells him to drop dead and then slams the phone down on him. You know, I think she's almost bitchy and wacky enough to be a Camden!
Oh, no -- not the Boring Buffalo Brother Beaux again! Their subplot is so incredibly inconsequential that I'd almost forgotten about it. Ben does make me laugh, though, when he shows up in the Garage Treehouse, claiming he needs a break from the CamPound. As he puts it, "It's kind of weird and busy over there." Word, Ben. T-1000 Kevin has spoken to their mother and found out that she caught Ben and his girlfriend in some sort of compromising situation. What exactly happened is never specified, much to my relief. Now it's Ben's turn for a stern patriarchal lecturin' from Kevin, who maintains that Ben should move out of the family homestead and get his own place. Hey, that's actually some good advice, even if it did come from the T-1000. Kevin adds that he himself won't be going home "anytime soon," since he's planning to marry Lucy. I find it amusing that this leaves open the possibility that once the marriage doesn't work out, Kevin may be going home again -- you know, at some later time. For now, Cyborg Kevin has helpfully booked a flight for his brother and arranged for Ben's girlfriend to pick him up at the airport. When Ben takes umbrage at having his life micromanaged in this way, Kevin challenges him to prove that he's a man. Trust me -- it's just as hokey and annoying as it sounds. Fortunately, RevCam comes in and interrupts to ask for Kevin's help.
Lenny informs his brother that he won't allow him to join the theater troupe. Paul is pretty upset. I'm sure it's not helping him any to hear Lucy apologizing for not being able to help more. Seeing Lucy is hard for me at the best of times, so I can't imagine how I would feel about having to look at her if I'd just experienced a huge disappointment. Aw, but she's looking so sad that I almost feel sorry for her. Then I remember all the ways in which her character sucks now -- and the fact that she'll probably go back to being a total bimbo week -- and I get over it.
After the commercial break, she's in the CamKitchen, telling her parents that she's talked to Diane Dupuy, the head of the Famous People Players, and that they've come up with a plan to help Paul. I really hope that plan was conceived more by Diane than Lucy, or I wouldn't hold out much chance for success. As Lucy turns to leave, she runs into Robbie. After giving him her "blessing" to date Roxanne, she says, "And with that, you can officially consider me out of your and Roxanne's love life. Let her know that, would you?" See -- already, I'm starting to dislike Lucy again.
Having overheard this conversation, RevCam asks Robbie if he likes Roxanne. Robbie explains about Roxanne hanging up on him and how he's scared she'll do it again. RevCam says, "I think you're more afraid that she won't hang up on you. Call her back. Take a chance." Wow. That was some actual good advice. And from Eric, no less! Wow.
Simon is not as happy with Eric's "help," though. After Cecilia leaves, he bitches out his father for getting involved in his business. Simon has apparently decided he's in love with Cecilia. I know, I know -- it's to impossible to imagine that anyone could be in love with Cecilia. I'm with you on that one. Still, let's suspend our disbelief for a moment. Simon is in love with Cecilia, but he suspects she's in love with someone else. Because of that, he's been trying to avoid her, hoping to prove the old "out of sight, out of mind" adage. Now, thanks to RevCam, he has to be Cecilia's new best friend. He gets to listen to her talk about her boyfriend and everything! He does get in a good line, though, when he says, "week, I'm gonna have to give her a perm." Okay, but if you're making a spa night out of it, maybe she could shape your brows for you. See -- it's not all bad!
Roxanne is at the door, with a family in tow. It seems that rather than call the police station, RevCam asked Kevin to help him with the abuse situation that Ruthie told him about. Kevin's solution was to call Roxanne and ask her "to take out the cruiser and check out the situation." Even though she was off duty? I really have no idea how the police system works. I'd imagine that's one of the few -- very few -- things Brenda and I have in common. Roxanne introduces the family as "Alice Brand and her parents." Since Alice looks a little too well-fed to be starving, I'm guessing that Ruthie is in deep shit.
Outside, Ben is getting ready to leave. Of course, there's no guarantee that he won't be back week on some trumped-up excuse. If nothing else, he's bound to show up later in the season, having become engaged to Mary off-screen before Jessica Biel makes her final guest appearance. As Ben stows his luggage and gets in the car, Robbie apologizes to Kevin for accusing him of scuttling his chances with Roxanne. Cyborg Kevin looks smugly pleased to find out he's right yet again. Oh, these humans -- so stupid and easy to control! Well, at least the ones living in the CamPound.
In the living room, the CamRents and the Brands are sitting around in silence, everyone looking mighty uncomfortable -- everyone but Alice, that is. Evidently, she's too dumb to have figured out what's going on. Ruthie arrives, having the grace to look guilty. She admits that she lied, but she was only doing it to help RevCam. This scene is too boring to merit any more description, but I do have to wonder why Roxanne drove these people over in a squad car. If she already knew Ruthie's accusations were bullshit, why embarrass the Brand family further by having them seen getting into a cruiser? Not only that, but now Roxanne orders them to go wait for her in said cruiser, since she'll be out in a minute. Do all cops leave their cars unlocked?
Needless to say, the very important business Roxanne needs to take care of is to talk to Robbie. She finds him in the backyard. He stands up and starts talking to her, but she cuts him off by shoving him up against a pillar -- hard. As she's bitching him out, he looks pained, but I'd be willing to bet he's actually enjoying this quite a bit. After berating him for not calling her, Roxanne says, "I don't like being toyed with [or] played with." Oh, I'm guessing she's got more toys in her repertoire than just a pair of handcuffs. Maybe now Robbie will finally have a chance to go out with a woman whose imagination runs to something more interesting than just sitting on a living room couch and making out all evening. I hope so, anyway.
Now that the Brands have left, Ruthie confesses to the CamRents that she has been trying to help Eric by…oh, whatever the hell she's been doing this episode. You don't actually care about any of this, do you? Good, because I don't either. Ruthie leaves. Suffice it to say, RevCam whines some more about how he feels "like less of a man." Except this time he blames God for it. Hey, Eric, where are you going? Just as this storyline was finally starting to get interesting, RevCam gets up and leaves. Thanks a lot.
we see a short clip of the Famous People Players performing. Actually, we see it being played on the CamVCR for Lenny and Marie. Paul and Lucy and another woman are watching too. I'm assuming this is the founder of the troupe, Diane. As the Players take their bows, we see that Paul is among them onstage. At least, many of us viewers notice. Apparently, Lenny doesn't have a clue, as he argues that his brother is not capable of performing onstage. Paul points out that he was performing. He tells his brother and Marie that he got to the performance by sneaking out of the house and taking a bus to the town. He also tells them that he's going to be staying with the troupe. He'll be leaving with Diane tomorrow. Diane tries to defuse the tension by suggesting that Paul and his family talk it over and make the decision as a family. Before she gets to that point, though, we have to listen to one of the lengthiest PSAs I've ever heard. I am impressed with the whole concept of this theater group, but as Diane goes on and on and on, I'm tempted to nod off once or twice. Look, just show the performers some more, all right?
Eventually, of course, Lenny decides that Paul can join the troupe if he wants. Paul thanks Lucy for her help, but Lucy protests that she "didn't do anything." Hey, she…provided the VCR. Yeah, that's right! And didn't she make some tea before? Yeah! Despite the fact that I even grew to like Lucy during parts of this episode, I still can't quite picture her ever becoming a counselor. But then, what are the odds of her ever graduating from Crawford Clown College anyway?