RevCam is in the hospital, about to go under the knife. He's groggily answering questions about what kind of music he would like to listen to during his open-heart surgery. The nurse explains that music helps the doctors "to concentrate," and that it also keeps the patient happy. That's all well and good until some bozo chooses Celine Dion. Or the 7th Heaven theme song. If that happens, wouldn't the doctor be likely just to kill the patient outright? And is there a jury in the world that would convict that physician, given the circumstances? Fortunately, RevCam chooses Elvis. In fact, he not only chooses to listen to Elvis, but to be Elvis. As the anesthesia kicks in, we see RevCam in his own mind. It's pretty much a black wasteland, except for Eric himself, who is dressed up as The King. He's singing "All Shook Up." Stephen Collins does a good job of it, even though his fake guitar-playing could use a little work. He looks like he's having fun, too. I just hope these joyful moments compensate for all that crappy dialogue he has to deliver week after week.
Opening credits, after which RevCam sings us back in from commercial with "Don't Be Cruel." I'm sure it's safe to say that this is the best Opening Credits Timewaster we have ever seen -- or will ever see again -- even though the black backdrop and the beeping of a heart monitor in the background creep me out just a tad.
Annie phones Ruthie, who is baby-sitting the twins back at the CamPound. Ruthie's not doing this to be helpful, though; she's just avoiding the hospital in order to get back at RevCam for lying to her last week. Ouch. That's pretty harsh. Now, I hate being lied to too, but I don't think I could desert my own father in his hour of need. On the other hand, I'm not sure why Annie's trying so hard to get Ruthie down to the hospital. I know that if my husband were having surgery, the last people I'd want to have around would be Ruthie and those terrible twins. Count your blessings, Annie.
Lucy and Robbie are hanging out in the cafeteria. Robbie, probably rightly, assumes that Annie sent them there because she didn't want to look at them anymore either. Lucy goes off on what looks like it will be a whole orgy of selfish questions, like, "What if I never get to talk to my dad again?" Robbie tries to stop her before she really gets going, but to no avail. Lucy whines about how if anything happened to Kevin, she'll be all alone. Personally, I think that if she lost Kevin, she'd be spared a sad future of spousal abuse, but Lucy has become entirely too dumb to realize that. She gripes that if anything happens to Kevin, "All [she'll] be left with are some very good memories of making out, but that's it." She thinks that being engaged to Kevin would somehow make that different. Hey, Lucy, don't you think these topics would be better discussed in your journal? Please? Lucy concludes that she is now ready to get married. Discerning viewers everywhere yawn profusely at that news. Not Robbie, though. He is appalled, but not for the good, logical reasons you'd think he would be shocked -- like the fact that Lucy is still too young to get married, and that Kevin is a creepy asshole. No, Robbie is aghast because Lucy should be telling this to Kevin first, not to Robbie. Okay, that's true, but what about the fact that Kevin's a loathsome brute? Can't any of you Camdens see that? Huh? Anyone?
Simon comes into the waiting room to harass Annie for a while, asking her such winning questions as "Where's Matt?" and "Where's Mary?" Annie pointlessly expositions that Dopey is busy taking midterms at medical school. Medical school! Dopey! Hee hee hee! I don't think they should bother going to such great effort keeping up the illusion that Dopey is still a member of the CamFam. After all, unlike the character, I suspect the actor has been smart enough to invest his earnings in a way that will not lead to him debasing himself by returning to a show he so obviously detested. As for Mary, well, the less said about her, the better. Still, Simon stubbornly insists that everyone should be there. He conveniently forgets about Ruthie, though. Annie tells Simon to "let it go." She's not talking about his anger toward his siblings; she's referring to his guilt over being nasty to his father last week. That really was a great scene between RevCam and Simon. In fact, it must have been a little too good for this show. Maybe Brenda's afraid that more scenes like that will draw attention away from the show's usual agenda of preaching about how much better it is to "make out" than to have evil premarital sex. I know that sounds stupid, but it pretty much is what the show's all about. In any case, we won't be seeing more good drama any time soon, since Simon has apparently apologized to Eric off-camera. So, that got rid of the good, stirring part of the storyline, leaving us free to watch Simon insist that he's not mad at himself, while Annie maintains that he is. After a couple rounds of that, Simon gets bored and leaves to take a walk.
Or maybe he left because he saw Alan Fudge walking in. Mr. Fudge plays Lou, that dumb church elder, or administrator, or whatever the hell he's supposed to be. I may not know what he does in the church, but I do know that whenever you see him walking into a room, the ensuing scene will be part of a subplot that's too puerile for words. Sure enough, this is no exception, since Lou is here to complain about how he has no one to replace Eric at the church for the little while. He apologizes for bothering Annie, but insists that this is important. Annie gets all agitated, saying she doesn't know who to replace Eric with. She's obviously uncomfortable about the word "replace," so Lou keeps insisting that this minister will not replace Eric; he or she will merely "fill in." Maybe this scene is boring me into giddiness, but I find that that sounds vaguely dirty. Lou finally realizes that he should not be bothering Annie with this. Good call, Lou, but I really wish you'd come to that realization about three minutes ago so we wouldn't have had to trudge through this scene. Lou leaves, but not before threatening to return.
Speaking of unwelcome comebacks, there's Ben, the slightly smarter, less psychopathic half of The Boring Buffalo Brother Beaux. Annie is a little surprised that he's come all the way across the country for this. Quite frankly, I am too, especially when he insists that he wants to help somehow. Obviously, the most helpful thing he could do at this point would be to hack Kevin into little bits and bury them in a field somewhere. However, Kevin is probably made out of that liquid metal stuff, like Robert Patrick's T-1000 in Terminator 2: Judgment Day. In fact, after scrounging up a few photos of T-1000, I'm astounded by how much Kevin reminds me of him. T-1000 is a little less evil, though. And Robert Patrick is a far better actor, obviously. But where were we? Oh, Ben. Right. He gives Annie the sad news that he hasn't talked to Mary in a month. Boo hoo.
Back at the CamPound, Ruthie explains to the twins, "Now, you both understand that trying to put your brother in the dryer is bad -- very, very bad." Taller Twin asks, "What about the closet?" Ruthie answers, "That's bad too." Hey, is that supposed to be a subtle putdown of Simon? Because that's not very nice. Shorter Twin asks why Ruthie is mad at RevCam. She doesn't want to talk about it. That's just dandy with me.
The unwelcome comeback is from Sarah "Plot Contrivance" Camden, except she's not anywhere near as unwelcome as Ben, and at least she's family.
Kevin rushes up to Robbie, saying that he "got [his] message." He delivers a bunch of really stupid related lines with all the emotion of a -- well, a cyborg. Then he asks why Robbie is smiling. Robbie wants him to "guess." T-1000 doesn't want to guess. In fact, he's so irked by the very idea of guessing that he says, "I have a gun, and I'm not afraid to use it." I really need to rent T2 again, because it's been a while, but can't Kevin just kill Robbie by clocking him in the head with one of his beefy cyborg hands? Robbie continues to spill Lucy's entire secret, telling T-1000 about her soul-searching -- or what passes for soul-searching in one as shallow as Lucy -- and even lets him know that Lucy now considers herself ready for marriage. At that revelation, Kevin looks as blank as ever. Robbie punches him on the shoulder nervously, but not hard enough for us to see any of that liquid metal stuff come out of him. Kevin rakes Robbie over the coals for calling him away from work and then tells him he's not going to ask Lucy to marry him. He leaves to check on Annie. Robbie stands there looking as blank as -- well, a cyborg, although I'm pretty sure he isn't one.
RevCam's still singing "Don't Be Cruel" in his creepy mind-world. It's better than watching any of the other subplots, though.
Egads -- during the commercial break, Eric has morphed into Gross Elvis, complete with gaudy white jumpsuit, vile 'burns, and big gold medallions in his ample chest hair. In fact, one of them looks like something Dopey used to wear. RevElvis is singing "(Let Me Be Your) Teddy Bear," even though Elvis put that song out much earlier than his Gross era.
Lucy chooses the occasion of her father's heart surgery to play a game of "Twenty Stupid Questions" with Annie. Maybe I should give the girl more credit, though. Perhaps she's just trying to distract her mother from worrying about Eric by making her worry about how dumb her daughter is instead. Lucy's first question: "Mom, how did you know Dad was the man you were supposed to marry?" Has Lucy been reading romance novels again, with the whole "one true love" message they're so fond of putting out? Maybe Annie's been lending them to her, since she replies, "When it's the right person, you just take one look and know that he's the person you want to spend the rest of your life with." Oh, you mean that "love at first sight" shit, right? What can you really tell about someone at first sight? Well, you can probably tell whether he or she looks good in spandex, and you might be able to tell if someone would be good in the sack (though that one's iffy). You might even be able to tell if they're kindhearted or nasty. But knowing whether you'll spend the rest of your life with that person? Isn't it kind of just dumb luck when that actually happens? Well, except for Dopey and Plot Contrivance and their fake engagement and stupid wedding. I'm sure they were totally meant to be together, like, forever. Lucy tells her mom that she wants to marry Kevin. But maybe -- just maybe -- there's a shred of sense left in her, because she's shaking her head as she says it.
PC comes in and hands Annie and Lucy sandwich platters that look way more appealing than what you would expect to find in a hospital setting. Inexplicably, she wants to know where all the menfolk are. Annie delivers some lame male-bashing comments, which prompts Lucy to say that she thinks she's made Kevin wait too long for her. Smiling a lot, she coyly skips off to find her cyborg, leaving Annie to ask for PC's help with Ruthie.
Ben has been looking for Kevin. He finally finds him in the cafeteria, sitting in front of a big tray of untouched food. I think Kevin's trying to throw us off the trail so we won't think he's a cyborg -- hence the big plate of food. Ben is full of congratulations for the evil robot now that Lucy has decided she's ready to marry him. T-1000 doesn't look too thrilled, and he says again that he will not be asking Lucy to marry him. He brings up the valid point that Lucy may just be reacting to her worries over her father by clinging to Kevin. Okay, I can buy that. That doesn't sound like Kevin's biggest stumbling block, though. Nope. Kevin thinks the hospital setting isn't "romantic" enough for a marriage proposal. And what would be? "I wanted to take Lucy to dinner at a restaurant with red roses and candles. I wanted to look into her eyes and give her the most beautiful ring I could find and ask her to be my wife." Oh, yuck. Is there a single cliché he left out? What about asking RevCam's permission? Yep, he wants to do that too. I'll bet it's because he wants to find out how big her dowry is before he commits himself. When Ben nearly laughs his ass off at the idea of Kevin talking to RevCam, T-1000 tries to convince us that he's more romantic than Ben. Ben points out his super-romantic proposal to Mary in front of the men's washroom in the airport. Kevin reiterates the whole bit about not wanting Lucy to be "scared" into marrying him. He goes, leaving behind his tray of still-untouched food. See? What did I tell you? Ben gets up to follow his brother, but not before grabbing something off the robot's plate. It looks like a chunk of beef stew. Gross. Maybe Ben should consider grabbing a napkin while he's at it.
Simon is just completing a call at a pay phone when Robbie strolls up and demands to know who he was talking to. Man, that's rude. I won't even necessarily ask my husband who he's been talking to on the phone. How could Robbie possibly think Simon's business is any of his business? That crazy Glenoak. And I mean that in the nastiest possible way. Simon wants to whine about Dopey and Mary some more, but Robbie would rather turn the conversation around to Simon and his alleged guilt over fighting with RevCam. Needless to say, that leads to some pretty dull dialogue.
Back at the CamPound, the doorbell rings. The twins rush to the door. They manage to open it quite easily, seeing as how it's not locked or anything. Nice going, CamDolts. Unfortunately, it's PC at the door. The twins cry out, "Aunt Sarah, Aunt Sarah!" They follow that up with, "What did you bring us?" Such lovely children. I'm sure PC's here to help Ruthie get over her anger at RevCam, but first she has to convince Ruthie to go for a drive with her. This is accomplished with the same sort of tedious bickering we've all grown to expect from any social interaction on this show. Annie was so sure PC would succeed that she already arranged for the mysterious Mrs. Poole they're always talking about to come over and baby-sit the twins. Why Annie would bother with a baby-sitter is beyond me, since she can't even be bothered to fucking lock her front door.
Oh, no -- Lou did make good on his threat to return. I know he never threatened to bore me to death, but it looks like that may happen as well. He and the church deacons have decided to suspend church services for the two weeks while RevCam recovers. ["Oh, for God's sack. Every church I have ever heard of has at least one associate minister for exactly this reason so that there's no 'service interruption' if the senior minister takes ill or what have you. This non-plot is so typical of how little the 'writers' know about actual churches and the way they conduct their affairs that I don't know why I even bother getting annoyed, so I'll get straight to the point: Get bent, Lou." -- Sars] Annie is distraught, which she indicates by making a bunch of funny faces. Lou finally leaves, but not before I've indulged in some very satisfying fantasies of pelting him with garbage. Hey, dude, thanks for dropping by! Are you aware that your guest appearance was probably the most pointless one in 7th Heaven history? No? Well, it was. Okay, y'all have a great evening!
Simon comes in to tell Annie that he's leaving to go talk to somebody. He explains to Annie that it's extremely important, although I sincerely doubt that that's true. We already heard that tired old line from Lou.
Lucy finally finds Kevin and tells him she's "been doing some thinking." Hee! That statement is even funnier than when someone mentions "Dopey" and "med school" in the same sentence. Kevin replies, "Apparently, you've been doing some talking too." This whooshes right over Lucy's head, so T-1000 decides to put off his administration of patriarchal correction until later. When Lucy very broadly hints that she would like to be proposed to, Kevin tells her the setting isn't romantic enough. Lucy giddily suggests that he propose now, and then again, later, in a more romantic spot. Wow, what a neat idea! She condescendingly tells him that if he wants to propose, he has to "open [his] mouth and speak." Ugh. Even if he did want to propose before, wouldn't that totally turn him off the idea now? The point is moot, however, since he didn't want to propose to start with. Lucy asks, "So, you, what, want to break up?" When T-1000 won't ditch Lucy's brainless ass, she furiously demands, "If we're not breaking up and we're not getting married, then what are we doing?" This is the part of the sadistic mind game where Kevin declines to answer and walks off, leaving Lucy hanging.
Here's RevElvis again, and he's still singing that "Teddy Bear" song. Is it supposed to be a sly reference to the last scene when he sings, "Put a chain around my neck and lead me anywhere"? Because I'm pretty sure Lucy will let Kevin do anything he wants to her. Oh, well. I'd be lying if I said I genuinely cared. Ooh, look -- RevCam's belt buckle is bigger than a dinner plate!
During the commercial break, RevElvis changes into a Hawaiian shirt, cream-colored trousers, and white shoes. It is after Labor Day, you know, Eric. He's singing some irritating song called "Rock-A-Hula Baby," which I'm happy to say I've never heard before. This time, we hear the voices of some off-camera background singers. RevCam looks confused when he hears them, but he still keeps singing. I'm not sure where the director's going with that, but I will say that it's a hell of a lot more interesting than anything else happening on the show this week.
Case in point: Annie's sitting in the waiting room with Lucy, Robbie, and The Boring Buffalo Brother Beaux. Robbie and Annie are all concerned about RevCam, but they're apparently the only ones. Lucy chooses this moment to selfishly pick a fight with The Cyborg. She tells him he must leave. For a change, I can actually sympathize with her to some extent. If I had a boyfriend who was playing nasty mind games with me, I'd want to break it off too. However, I'm not sure I'd do it with an audience -- particularly when that audience is waiting to hear news of someone's open-heart surgery. She loses even more points when she insists he must leave Glenoak. Maybe that's just my weird perspective -- I keep forgetting that the Camdens have Detective Michaels to do their bidding -- but how would he fare against a robot? That's probably not a really fair fight. Lucy scrunches up her face unattractively as she reams Kevin out for…something or other. Frankly, I've lost interest. Kevin's only comment is to make fun of the way Lucy uses the word "bucko." So, is this what the cyborg comedy of the future will be like? Good God! We must stop the robots! Now! When Lucy and T-1000 leave, Annie orders Robbie and Ben to meddle in their business. They act as if this were normal.
Plot Contrivance leads Ruthie down to the Promenade, where she introduces her to Susan, who is one of her "oldest and dearest friends." Okay, but I don't remember her from Dopey and PC's wedding. In fact, PC had no friends in her bridal party, only Camdens -- except for one token attendant. Still, this old and dear friend has somehow emerged to help her out by setting Ruthie straight. That's so lovely, it brings a tear to my eye.
Elsewhere on the Promenade, Simon has commanded Detective Michaels to appear before him. Of course, Michaels must comply. Simon wants to discuss his role in helping that girl drop her baby off at the hospital two weeks ago. He insists that it was a "great" thing he did, although he feels a little guilty about wanting recognition for it. Somewhat uncharacteristically, Detective Michaels opts to set Simon straight. He does a decent job of reining in his disgust as he says, "I think what you're feeling is about one one-hundredth of what your friend is feeling." He adds, "Who do you think carries the greater burden, you or your friend?" When Simon has to stop and think about that, Michaels jumps right in with the right answer. I'd say he looks exasperated by Simon's selfish stupidity, but I'm probably just projecting. The guy who plays Detective Michaels just isn't a good enough actor to pull off "exasperation." Detective Michaels natters on and on, saying the exact same thing about sixty different ways. It's long enough for me to proofread the rest of this recap, do a couple loads of laundry, and have a quick nap. When I wake up, he's just winding down by offering Simon a slice of pizza -- and a winning smile.
I'm sure we've all been waiting anxiously to find out how PC's old and dear friend Susan is going to change Ruthie's mind about RevCam. Or not. Susan tells a terribly wearisome story about how she and her father fought and didn't speak for five years. Blah blah car accident, blah blah reconciliation, blah blah Ruthie talking to RevCam about her fears. It's a little hard to care about someone we've just met, and I can't say Susan's story is powerful enough to override that. Still, Ruthie is moved by it, and she agrees to go see Eric. She's not so deeply stirred, however, that she remembers to say thank you, or even goodbye, to Susan before she goes.
Back at the hospital, even though Lucy and Cyborg Kevin aren't speaking to each other, Ben and Robbie have maneuvered them into a meeting in the cafeteria. Except it's not even a real meeting, since Ben and Robbie will be interpreting for them -- you know, since they're not actually speaking to each other. So, is this as thoroughly irritating and puke-inducing as it sounds? You betcha. The two losers iron out their differences and banish Ben and Robbie off to do…well, what do these guys actually do on the show these days? After a make-up kiss, Lucy is right back to badgering Kevin to propose to her. Here's a newsflash, stupid: If he's already said he wants to marry you, and you've already said you want to marry him, why bother with some lame-ass, totally staged proposal? Just proceed directly to calling yourself engaged, and make those wedding plans. An engagement is the public declaration of the intention to marry. Just announce it already and quit it with these dreadful promises from Kevin that he will somehow "surprise" Lucy with a proposal later. Trust me -- it's really not going to be a surprise anymore.
RevCam is still singing that "Rock-A-Hula Baby" song, and he's getting more and more disturbed by the background singers. I'm still interested in this subplot -- if you can call it that -- so I'm happy to see RevElvis. However, I'm even happier to see The RevKing because I know his appearance means it's time for a commercial break. And none too soon.
Everyone but the CamRents is gathered in the waiting room. Like the selfish vermin they all are, they're now each demanding to be the first to talk to Eric. Lucy glowingly informs everyone, "I have to tell him that Kevin and I are getting married someday soon. He's gonna ask me someday soon." Great, Lucy. And I'm sure when he does, that proposal will have all the charming spontaneity of a rocket launch. Everyone pretends to be thrilled for the icky couple. For Simon, it's just an excuse to hug his sister. That's cool. But he does keep his hand on her thigh for far longer than is strictly necessary. I'm telling you -- Lucy and Simon still have more chemistry with each other than they've ever had with any of their awful guest-star love objects. There's some absurd, un-witty group banter, which Annie interrupts to tell everyone that Eric's all right. Shyeah -- like they'd actually kill off RevCam. The fact that Eric is already awake and ready to see people is something of a surprise to me. Maybe Annie threatened him into seeing the family, though. Despite the alleged warnings of the nurse that only one person at a time can see Eric, Annie offers to lead Ruthie into his room. So that's…two people visiting RevCam at once? Annie, you may need to brush up on the higher math.
Still in the waiting room, Lucy starts to cry. Simon asks her if those are "good tears or bad." She says that they're good, so he hugs her. If she'd said they were bad, I'm sure he'd have hugged her too. He's just horny that way. So, are Beverley Mitchell and David Gallagher doing each other or something? Simon apologizes for not being around for the rest of the family. Lucy hadn't even noticed. Heh. Simon doesn't bother apologizing to anyone else. He just hugs Lucy some more. Mmm -- sweet, soft, fragrant Lucy.
Ruthie apologizes to RevCam, and he apologizes right back at her. The fact that Eric is not dying makes this scene a little less poignant than it might otherwise have been. However, not even a deathbed scene could add any emotional impact to Eric's interaction with his guest, the cyborg known as T-1000. Kevin asks for Eric's permission to marry Lucy. How…charming. After said permission is granted, Lucy rushes in and starts shrieking about how she is almost engaged. RevCam is so happy to be unloading her dumb ass onto Kevin, he even manages a smile. In comes Simon. How many guests is that now? Five? And Eric's been out of surgery for, what, an hour or so? Whatever. Anyway, Simon makes an apology which is loaded with all the emotional impact of a wet dishrag. It is kind of sweet to see that he's not too much of a "teen heartthrob" to kiss his father on the cheek, though. And there's Robbie. Just why is he here, anyway? Why, to tell RevCam how "good" he looks! See -- there's someone who actually does know the meaning of the word "romantic." I'm really not sure why Ben is in the room, but it seems that no one has the heart to ask him to leave. The final guest to arrive is Sarah, who has ostensibly been phoning Dopey to let him in on the good news. RevCam seems happy to see her -- or maybe he's just laughing at the ruffled shirt and magenta jacket she stole from Prince.
Annie chooses this moment -- about an hour after Eric has awoken from major surgery -- to tell him about the big scandal with Lou closing down the church for two weeks. Way to go, Annie. I'm sure RevCam really needs to hear that right now. And since we're only two and a half minutes from the end of the episode, we need a solution -- fast! Fortunately we have PC, who is offering the services of her father, Rabbi Richard, to perform services in the church, if the "parishioners wouldn't mind a rabbi." Hey, those loser parishioners gossip about shit as innocuous as RevCam being outside his house in pajamas. Obviously they're gonna be super-pissed about a rabbi leading their Sunday service. Since RevCam is still a little groggy from the, you know, major surgery he had an hour ago, he's not too quick with an answer, and Annie jumps in to say she'll call Lou. She'll be sorr-ry! The nurse comes in and kicks out everyone but Annie.
The CamRents share some of their boring non-chemistry as they insist that they love each other. This is probably meant to be a charming scene, but it falls far short, particularly when Annie basically threatens to harm RevCam if he ever lies to her again. Hey, I hate being lied to too, but if I were Annie, I'd feel like a real shitheel to be badgering a man who's been out of open-heart surgery for an hour.
Woo, it's some more "Rock-A-Hula Baby"! I'll bet that means we're in the homestretch now. And this time, all the CamDolts are joining in too. There's Lucy in her bikini, and Annie in her muumuu and Ruthie in a grass skirt. None of the guys get to show off their abdomens -- well, except for Cyborg Kevin, whose body has been constructed perfectly from that liquid metal stuff. From off-screen, a production assistant throws RevElvis something which looks like either the world's smallest cheerleading pompom or else a maraca with streamers on it. RevCam sings; Annie tries, and fails, to lip-synch along. Even Elvis -- one of the cheesiest performers of our time -- must be rolling in his grave now. Although he's probably snickering at the same time.