The episode begins with something approaching genuine drama, for a change, as a doctor explains to Eric that he requires open-heart surgery for two blocked arteries. Well, it might be dramatic for someone who actually gives a shit about RevCam. Am I a horrible person for not caring whether he lives or dies? Because I really, really don't. Eric looks thoroughly surprised to find out he's sick enough to require surgery, despite the fact that this doctor's diagnosis is apparently a second opinion to confirm what he's already been told by somebody else. RevCam's mired in denial, which is totally understandable, but that's really no reason for him to throw quite so much attitude at the doctor. This doctor is an incredibly patient man, by the way, and never once does he lose his temper or suggest euthanasia, as I would be tempted to do if I were in his shoes. He encourages RevCam to get his "affairs in order," which freaks the hell right out of Eric. He also suggests that the reverend tell the rest of the CamFam about the surgery. Will RevCam actually have to do that, though? Surely one of his children must have been stalking him when he left for this appointment. In fact, I'm sure that if you opened the exam room door right now, there'd be a Camden eavesdropping on this very conversation. Unfortunately, the scene ends before we can find out which one it is.
Stephen Collins has been known to do a decent job with comedy sometimes, but not even he can pull off this Opening Credits Timewaster. RevCam is sitting at a table -- at Pete's Pizza, I assume. He plays with the salt and pepper shakers; he makes funny faces, he constructs sculptures out of his cutlery. The only thing that could make this even more annoying would be if that awful "Doc" guy were sitting right across the table from him. Well, what do you know? There's Doc now, sitting right across the table from him. The last time we saw him, he was showing off his Elaine Benes dance moves at Dopey and PC's rehearsal dinner. I'd have thought for sure no one would ever invite him anywhere after that, but I was wrong. Here he is, trying to console RevCam by pointing out that his ailment is not necessarily terminal. Doc, of course, specializes "in terminal illness -- you know, helping people that have no treatments or options available." I'm not sure how telling rambling stories and spouting inane platitudes that sound like they were ripped out of Robert Fulghum's trash bin is exactly "helping" anyone, but who am I to rain on his parade? Another brilliant line that's supposed to cheer up the Revster is this: "You could step off a curb and get hit by a bus before you go into the hospital." You know, that would cheer me up some, but only if it were Doc getting flattened by the bus. Doc rounds off this splendid advice session by encouraging RevCam to tell his family about the surgery, adding that if he remains calm, his family will remain calm too. And Eric got all this advice for free? Why, that would be a bargain at twice the price!
Egads! Simon is playing the guitar. Actually, he's gamely trying to strum out a couple of chords, but it's really not going very well. All right, I have a confession to make. This summer, I did set up a CamDork family in The Sims. Pretty much all they did all the time was gossip about each other, so it quickly got as boring as the show itself. The only highlights I recall were when Simon spontaneously fell in love with Kreepy Kevin, and when he kept trying to play the guitar. He was terrible at it, and all the family members would drop whatever it was they were doing at the time so they could go listen to Simon and jeer at him. Unfortunately, that doesn't happen here. Annie resists the urge to heckle and merely informs Simon that RevCam "is on his way home and wants a family meeting right now." Right now? Because that would be a little hard to arrange unless everyone's in the car with him, and obviously they're not. Simon tries to weasel the purpose of RevCam's meeting out of Annie, but it's obvious that she doesn't have a clue. It's also obvious that she's furious because RevCam hasn't told her about it first.
After Annie leaves, Ruthie speculates annoyingly about the meeting to come, wondering if it's being held because of something Simon did. Simon delivers a long overdue speech when he tells her, "You have no idea what my life is like, so just knock off the accusations and stay out of my personal life." He looks genuinely pissed off when he says it, which makes me laugh. Perhaps he doesn't realize, though, that without the "meddling sibling" crap that masquerades as plot, there really wouldn't be any show at all.
When Annie informs Lucy about the big family meeting, Lucy rudely tells her that she's too busy working on homework to attend. That Lucy -- she's such an intellectual. Her current assignment is to write an outline for her autobiography. The outline is supposed to contain her "greatest accomplishments." Couldn't she have knocked that one off in the time it's taken you to read this paragraph? I think she's really hit the nail on the head when she calls the assignment "creative writing." Annie kindly tries to convince the girl that she's "achieved a lot in [her] life." I have to give Lucy some credit here for realizing that her mom's just humoring her and that her current existence certainly doesn't enrich the planet in any way. She says, "It's not like I gave up my only begotten son so that man could have eternal life." True, but you, like, made out with some guys who weren't totally ugly, and, um...well, didn't you say something intelligent and helpful to somebody once? You see? I care. Upon further reflection, Annie realizes that she may have stretched the truth a little too far, so she tries to salvage the situation by advising Lucy to "make something up." Hey, does anyone remember how Lucy used to be relatively cool and smart in earlier seasons? I do too, and I'd love to see her go back to being studious and intelligent again, but I'm not exactly holding my breath. You probably shouldn't either.
Eric is walking up to the CamPound, talking to himself. He's repeating some of the cheerful clichés he exchanged with Doc earlier. He asks God if he's really going to be all right, but God's not answering. I wonder why Brenda didn't hire some guest star to play God. I'm pretty sure Carrot Top would jump at the chance, and I'll bet he's just the kind of casting choice Brenda would make anyway.
While RevCam keeps waiting for God to get back to him, Robbie waylays Kevin in the front hallway to show off his new traffic ticket. He whines about how unfair it is because he really didn't run a stop sign. What a loser. And I was just starting to like him again. That sure was short-lived, wasn't it? When Kevin suggests he fight the ticket, Robbie tries to get him to "get rid" of it instead. It's pretty cool when Kevin refuses to do so, but then he has to go and ruin it all by pompously saying, "Now, if you don't mind, I have a family meeting to go to." I hope he's talking about his real family, since that would take him across the country, but I'm afraid he means his pretend family, the CamDolts.
Sure enough, he does, as he strides into the living room and plants his ass on a loveseat. Everyone is there for RevCam's family meeting except RevCam himself. Ruthie informs them that Eric is talking to himself in the backyard. There's some seriously unfunny shtick as each Camden (and quasi-Camden) leaves the room to go spy on RevCam. Simon and Ruthie are the last to leave, except for the twins. Unexpectedly let out from behind the couch, the twins have no idea what to do with their new freedom, so they just stand there in confusion until Simon and Ruthie return to lead them out to the backyard.
Annie is trying to get RevCam to talk to her first before he holds the big meeting, but he insists he wants to tell everyone his news at once. I can't blame Annie for being miffed about that. Ruthie asks if the family is out of money, using this opportunity to regale us with a dull anecdote about her friend Samantha, whose father ran out of money and had to move the family to Wisconsin. Ruthie wrinkles up her forehead as she says "Wisconsin," probably since it's not a state that's recognized in the CamUnion. RevCam assures her they're not out of money, so we can all breathe a sigh of relief. Hey, let's celebrate by swigging some milk directly from the one-quart containers in the CamFridge. Then maybe we can wash it all down with an expensive-bottled-water chaser! Ruthie natters on some more about her boring little school "friends" until RevCam cuts her off to make his grand announcement. He gets halfway through it but then chickens out. Unfortunately, all he can come up with as a reason for this family meeting is that he wants to take the family bowling. That's right, bowling. Thanks a lot, Eric. Now the family is stuck going bowling. More to the point, we're stuck watching it.
RevCam gets on the phone to Doc, looking for some encouragement. And we know what a super-duper big help Doc has always been in the past, don't we? This conversation goes on at great length, but I miss most of it, because all I can think of is how much Doc sounds like Snagglepuss. Go on, Doc -- exit stage left now. Please? But nobody cares what I want, and this stupid phone conversation continues, with Eric whining, "I want time to remind people how much they mean to me without their knowing that I have to have this surgery." This is his justification for going bowling and not telling his family he's scheduled to go under the knife. Whatever. That's not the very worst idea for a plot ever, but it's definitely near the top of the list. RevCam gets the ball rolling by telling Doc he loves him. Doc smarms back that he loves Eric too, but he makes sure to check out some chicks while he's saying it. No way is anyone gonna mistake him for being gay, man!
Ew, it's make-out time up in Lucy's room. She and Kevin are sitting on (gasp!) her bed. But don't worry -- they're indulging in the usual kind of totally unerotic kissing where the only part of their bodies that touch are their lips. Lucy apparently finds this as boring as I do, because she would rather talk about Robbie. Specifically, she wants to know why Robbie and Kevin are fighting. She modestly insists that it has something to do with her. Kevin assures her that it doesn't, but she remains unconvinced. Stupid and arrogant -- that's a particularly unappealing combo. When Kevin refuses to "prove" that the fight is not about her, she switches gears and starts hassling him about his old girlfriends again. She compares their relationship to her parents' appalling marriage, and insists she doesn't want to end up "crazy" like her mother. Kevin attempts levity by saying it's "too late," but George Stults is far too horrible an actor to pull off such awful dialogue.
Annie has apparently just given the twins their healthy, balanced dinner of Nutty Buddy ice cream cones. While they chow down happily, Simon whines about how it's bad enough that he's "on restriction," but now he must suffer the further humiliation of being seen at the bowling alley with his family on a rockin' Friday night. He begs his mom to "restrict" him from family activities, which is pretty damn funny. Annie obviously doesn't think so, though.
After Simon leaves, Robbie comes down to raid the refrigerator. He tries to get out of bowling too, but Annie's not letting him off the hook. Same deal for Kevin, though he gets the added bonus of an annoying lecture on the meaning of family.
When I first see RevCam on the phone, telling someone, "You mean a great deal to me," I can't help but think he's talking to some random telemarketer. It's much worse, though. That's right -- Ed Begley, Jr. is on the show this week. RevCam just wants to tell him how much he loves him. Is there any oxygen at all reaching Eric's brain right now? My suspicion that there isn't is confirmed when RevCam says he would like to tell Aunt Julie how much he loves her too.
Annie comes upstairs to pry RevCam's secret out of him, but she's not having much luck. She does get to hear one of RevCam's little "I love you" speeches, though. Lucky her.
After an establishing shot of a cool retro bowling alley sign, we see some random extras walking around with bowling balls. And there's the CamFam, all surly as they pick up their bowling shoes. Hey, Brenda, I just wanted to let you know that I'd be perfectly happy just to stare at that lovely bowling alley sign for the rest of the episode, in case you felt that, you know, this episode was turning out to be a boring crapfest or something.
No such luck. Simon is whining to RevCam about how he simply must hang out with friends. In particular, he means the odious Cecilia. RevCam doesn't exactly see the urgency, and he tells Simon that the "restriction" will continue for "another week or two," in order to teach Simon a lesson. Then he gets all mystical and inscrutable, saying, "The scariest thing in my life is the thought that someday I might not be here to make sure you learn the lessons you need to learn." I don't know. That's kind of scary, but not nearly as bad as what comes out of Brenda Hampton's mouth when she talks to the press, don't you think?
Loser Lucy is still harping on the fight Kevin and Robbie are allegedly having over her. She has a new dumb-ass theory, which is that Kevin won't help out Robbie because he thinks that she and Robbie did more than kiss. That is one of the stupider things I've ever heard, and evidently Kevin thinks so too, as he rudely tells Lucy he's not interested in hearing what she has to say. I can certainly relate, but I think if Kevin's dating her, it's kind of impolite not to make at least a token effort to appear attentive. Not our Kevin, though. He just tells Lucy she's crazy, which causes her to stomp off.
This leaves the field open for Robbie to come over and offer Kevin a deal: If Kevin takes care of his traffic ticket, he will help him cope with Lucy. And what are Robbie's qualifications anyway? He maintains, "She'll listen to me. I'm good with Camden women. I speak fluent crazy." I know it's not right to make fun of mental illness, but I laugh anyway. So does Robbie. But at least I don't sound like Eddie Haskell.
Annie is still trying to find out RevCam's secret. She guesses that he is "sick," which is a pretty good call. RevCam, however, lies to her not once, not twice, but three times, insisting that he is not sick. Okay, now he might as well die, because when Annie found out she lied to him, she's going to kill him anyway. She asks why Hank is at the bowling alley. Sure enough, there's Ed Begley, Jr., staring creepily at them. Why that doesn't give RevCam a heart attack is a total mystery to me.
Unfortunately, Eric goes over to talk to Hank, who grills him on his health. I could go into greater detail, but why bother? It's even duller than it sounds. In fact, I actually wasn't aware that it was physically possible for anything to be as dull as this scene. Considering that I stuffed envelopes for a living one summer, I'm probably qualified to judge that.
When the scene finally ends, RevCam gathers his loved ones around him and tells them to split into teams for bowling because it will be more "fun." This proposal is greeted with so much eye-rolling that I have to wonder if everyone has suddenly developed identical neurological disorders. When Annie insists that they split into teams, Robbie says, "Fine, but I'm not playing with Kevin." Good heavens, I certainly hope not. This is a G-rated show, after all. Oh, where are my smelling salts? Eric appoints Robbie and Kevin as team captains, then tries to make up the teams himself, telling Lucy to be on Kevin's team. It's just not his lucky day, as Lucy says, "I'm not playing with Kevin either." Looks like Kevin's going to be playing with himself tonight. Eric tries to get Simon to team up with Robbie, but he's not interested. Annie puts on her Cruella persona for a moment, but this time she actually makes me laugh as she hisses, "Simon, you are never gonna leave this bowling alley until you pick a team, put a smile on your face and pretend like you're having a good time. And that goes for everybody." By the time RevCam says, "I'll play with Robbie," I'm practically doubled over with laughter.
RevCam swings a bowling ball dangerously over the twins' heads while solemnly intoning, "Bowlers, take your positions. Let's bowl." They then proceed to wreck the Stray Cats' "Rock This Town" for me forever by using it as background music for the lame-ass bowling montage that follows.
Robbie bowls first and knocks down all the pins. It even looks like Adam LaVorgna may have thrown the ball himself. Simon seems to be doing his own stunts also, as he bowls three gutter balls -- the last of which crosses multiple lanes to land in someone else's gutter. I'm so distracted by Ruthie's tremendously wide, incredibly ugly bell-bottoms that I almost miss how she rolls the ball from between her legs. Ugh, that is so damn annoying. She goes on to do a few more quirky tricks -- like performing the least graceful arabesque I've ever seen and doing some terrible little celebratory dance moves as she walks away from the lane. Isn't that punishable by lifetime imprisonment with no parole? Oh, and SamVid narrowly escape having their heads crushed when they place them on the ball return rack. I didn't even know they were on this outing. I just assumed they were still behind the living room couch.
When all the merriment is over, RevCam slouches dejectedly in a chair by the lanes. It looks like everyone else has bailed on him. Almost everyone, that is. Lucy's still around, unfortunately. When RevCam asks her nicely if she's upset, she answers rudely and stomps off. Big surprise there.
Ruthie pries into RevCam's business some more, warning him that if he lies to her, she'll be really pissed. Eric deflects her questions by flattering her and, of course, lying to her. Niiice.
Annie comes over and tries yet again to make Eric tell her what's wrong. I can't blame her for being mad that her husband won't talk to her, but surely someone on the show had to realize that this does not exactly make for enthralling drama. Is that what the rest of the episode is going to be like? Every family member pressuring RevCam to give up his secret? Because if so, I still have time to make it to the liquor store. Annie decides that she's not speaking to Eric anymore. At least that ought to stop her from asking the same damn questions over and over again. Please, just tell me it will. I don't mind being lied to.
Back at the CamPound, Simon is sitting solemnly at the kitchen table when his father walks in. RevCam tries to make a joke about bowling, but Simon is too upset to acknowledge it. Eric tries a more serious approach, doing a little prying of his own into Simon's secret mission from last week. Simon still maintains that he can't talk about it. RevCam probably doesn't care that much anyway; it seems like he's just using this as an excuse to extend Simon's "restriction" for a few weeks so that the boy will be at home more while Eric has his surgery. Simon bitterly tells him, "You have no idea what my life is like. You have no idea what it's like to be your son, no idea of the things people ask me to do, the things I have to do, the things I can't talk about." Simon wants to know why RevCam wants him at home, but Eric says he can't tell him yet. At least he's not lying to him, the way he's done to every other member of the family. Simon gets up to leave, then turns back and says, "At the bowling alley, you said you were scared of what would happen if you weren't around to teach me the things that you want me to learn. I'll tell you what would happen if you weren't around. I'd be a normal guy, without having to live up to your ideas of what's right and what's wrong...I'd be happy." Ouch -- that's cold, but since it's the best drama and acting I've ever seen on this show, I can't complain. RevCam says in a pained tone, "Simon, you don't mean that." Simon answers, "I think I do." Eric tries once more, saying, "I love you." Simon replies, "Just love me less, would you?" Wow. I hope I'm not jinxing the future of this storyline by praising it too much. I sound just as arrogant as Lucy, don't I?
Oh, God -- having aspired to something genuinely good for a few minutes, the show has sunk even further than ever. There's a shirtless Kevin lifting a little, tiny barbell up in the Garage Prayer Closet (heh -- thanks, Gustave). That weight must be incredibly dense, though, because Kevin's working up quite the sweat. At least, he has a heavy, glossy shine all over his torso; his face is pretty dry. What did they oil him up with, anyway? Some of Dopey's leftover hair dirtification products from last season? You probably don't want to hear any "greased pig" jokes, do you? Robbie drops by for a visit and reveals that he knows what Kevin and Lucy have been fighting about. He wants to know why Kevin didn't just tell Lucy that Robbie had asked him to fix the traffic ticket. Kevin pretends that he had a motivation, and that it was a noble one. He says something about not wanting to spoil Lucy's opinion of Robbie, since she thinks of him as a brother. Ew! Do most women actually make out with their brothers? Maybe it's a Glenoak thing. After heartwarming promises to try to hate each other less, the guys part company. I'm hoping Kevin's on his way to the shower.
RevCam hasn't told Lucy he loves her yet, has he? He checks in on her in her room, where she's still trying to come up with something that qualifies as an accomplishment. RevCam -- sounding a lot like Mike Brady -- tells her, "Sometimes a person can accomplish a great deal, but to the outside world, and maybe even to the person, it doesn't seem like they've accomplished anything." Aw, that's really very sweet -- even if it is complete and utter bullshit. RevCam strains his diplomacy skills even further, claiming that Lucy is "intelligent, kind and sweet." Oh, brother. He continues with, "You'd do anything to help anyone. You're a wonderful daughter and a caring sister. You have principles, and no matter how hard it is for you, you live by them." Do you recognize Lucy in there? Seriously, I mean, like, anywhere? Because I sure don't. And I'm not even trying to be remotely facetious right now. Lucy encourages him to talk to Annie, and he in turn encourages her to talk to Kevin. I don't know what's creepier here -- the fact that Kevin is eavesdropping or the fact that RevCam didn't encourage Lucy to patch things up with Kevin until he noticed the pea-brained moron standing by the door. Or maybe it's that as Lucy says, "I've been acting like a complete jerk," Kevin smiles in his creepy, Promise Keepers way. When he says that he will deign to talk to her, she acts like she's received a rare and precious gift.
After RevCam leaves, Lucy apologizes profusely for her shitty behavior. This gives Kevin the opportunity to skirt the whole "women in my past" matter by telling Lucy that she is the only woman in his future. Okay, but that doesn't solve the whole sexual history/STDs issue, dickhead. Lucy doesn't care, though, since this means she gets to kiss and make up -- and make out. You know, I don't think sticking one's head in the sand really qualifies as an accomplishment, do you? You just know Kevin's going to turn up on America's Most Wanted in a couple years, right?
The twins don't rate nearly as much consideration from RevCam as everyone else has gotten. At least he doesn't lie to them, though. They just receive a goodnight kiss and a hurried, "I love you guys." When they try to initiate a philosophical discussion of the various merits of Superman versus Batman, RevCam just glosses over their comments. Thankfully, SamVid are probably too young to understand that they're receiving the brush-off. Personally, I've always detested Batman ever since I had to play the part in a figure-skating show. Oh, but nobody asked me. Right. RevCam does this cutesy thing with the twins where they count up to three and then blow out the light. Okay, it's actually RevCam turning off the light. Since this is one of very few "cute" things on the show that hasn't made me want to put my eyes out, I won't make fun of it.
As he's leaving the twins' room, Eric runs into Ruthie, who's heading up to the room she shares with Lucy. RevCam warns her that Lucy and Kevin are making up in her room. Gross. I don't even want to think about that. I also don't want to think about the stupid clichés issuing from RevCam's and Ruthie's mouths right now. I've got a great idea -- let's just pretend this scene never happened.
In the CamBoudoir, Annie is ostentatiously ignoring RevCam -- an effect which is kind of ruined when she breaks her silence to tell him that she is, uh, not talking to him. Okay, makes sense. Eric is finally ready to break the silence and divulge his secret. Annie looks scared. When RevCam tells her he needs a double bypass, she starts to cry and says, "I knew you were going to say that." That's right -- she's psycho. Oops, I mean "psychic." Nah, I was probably right the first time.