It's the eve of the wedding between Dopey and his, well, wife, and Rabbi Richard is regaling them with one of his special slow-as-molasses speeches. As Richard struggles to make it through more than one sentence, I can't help but suspect that this speech will last longer than the marriage itself. RevCam is there too, and he thanks Richard for including him in the wedding ceremony. It seems he's spoken too soon, though, since as Rabbi Richard slowly, painfully outlines the order of the ceremony, RevCam realizes that he has been given nothing to do. When he questions Richard about that, the rabbi replies that RevCam will be holding a candle that's part of the ceremony. Eric does not look thrilled, even when Richard half-sarcastically tries to sell the candle as being not only "beautiful" but "handmade" as well. RevCam looks like he'd like to protest some more, but he's silenced by a look from his greasy-headed son.
The Opening Credits Timewaster takes us back to Rabbi Richard's office, though by this point, RevCam and the happy couple have left. Richard is using his alone time for reading. As some vaguely middle eastern music tinkles offensively away in the background, Richard picks up a book called Jewish History and Thought: An Introduction. You'd think he would be past the "introduction" stage -- you know, since he's already a rabbi and all -- but no. And evidently, Richard finds even this book too challenging, so instead he picks up a book on baseball. He's interrupted by the arrival of his daughter, who insists that he give Eric more responsibilities in the wedding ceremony. Richard gets in a pretty good dig when he says, "This isn't a good sign, Matt having you fight his father's battles for him." He follows that up by questioning whether Plot Contrivance really intends to go through with this wedding. She sarcastically replies that it's all a joke, adding, "Matt and I are just big practical jokers, and we thought we'd have fun tormenting our families for three months." Actually, isn't that pretty much what they have been doing for three months? I mean, they're married already, so is there really any reason to put their families through this farce of a wedding in the first place? PC accuses her father of trying to scuttle the wedding plans, and then demands that he give RevCam something more to do in the ceremony. Richard reluctantly agrees.
Mary is in Buffalo, getting ready for work, when Ben decides to come calling. He wants to know why she's been avoiding him all week. Normally, I'd assume that people avoid him because he's boring and not very bright, but then, the same could be said of Mary, so that's probably not the reason here. Actually, it doesn't seem like any of the writers have bothered giving Mary a motivation. Last time we saw her with Ben, she was making out like crazy in the CamPound living room, and now she tells him that she's been busy and that her schedule doesn't mesh with his? Whatever. It seems she hasn't even bothered to tell him that he's not her date for Dopey's wedding anymore, yet when he asks her if she's breaking up with him, she stalls and says she'll talk to him later. Run, Ben, run! In a few weeks, I guarantee you'll realize just how lucky you are to have dodged the "spending the future with Mary" bullet.
Down at the reception hall, Rosina Conehead is berating the florist for bringing calla lilies instead of lilies of the valley. You'd expect they would have hammered out those details by now, seeing as how the wedding is tomorrow. Actually, it doesn't seem like anyone's been doing much timely wedding planning, since Annie is just now dropping by to talk to Rosina about the rehearsal dinner. She has to talk around Rosina's conversations with various catering staff, who really don't seem very bright if they're putting down soup bowls on the tables when there isn't going to be a soup course. They're also planning on serving pork spring rolls as appetizers -- another detail you'd think would have come up weeks ago. Annie's planning on a potluck celebration in the back yard for the rehearsal dinner, saying that it's a tradition in RevCam's church. Rosina picks this moment to tell her to expect a hundred people. Honestly, is there anybody in the world stupid enough to plan a rehearsal dinner and not get some idea of how many people to expect until the day of the party? Annie looks shocked to hear how many people she will have to serve at this dinner, and she's even more surprised when Rosina assumes that the food will be kosher. After her kugel gaffe, it's pretty incredible that Annie would be forgetting about the kosher issue, but I guess anything can happen in Glenoak.
Dopey has obviously fallen a bit behind on his planning also, since, as Simon points out to Robbie, Matt hasn't even chosen a best man yet. Oops! Simon assumes that Dopey will ask him, even though Robbie's a little skeptical. Simon says something stupid about Matt passing him the "older brother baton" now that he's leaving the house. I assume that means all the female siblings will have to look up to Simon as a junior patriarch, even though two of his sisters are technically older than he is.
This icky scene is interrupted by the arrival of Ruthie, who's carrying a bunch of her ugly belongings in a box. She announces that she's taking her old room back and kicking Robbie out to the unfinished Garage Treehouse. She's rude enough to point out to Robbie that since he's not a Camden, she can treat him like crap. When he tells her he's not moving, she drops her box of stuff on his foot.
Lucy is on the phone, talking to Pea-Brained Moron Kevin, who is in Buffalo. Not for long, though, if Lucy has anything to do with it, since she's trying to get him to pack up and move to Glenoak. That's right -- after two dates, she expects him to give up his job, his friends, and his family so he can move all the way across the country to be with her. What's even weirder is that he doesn't laugh in her face or run away screaming at the prospect. He treats her suggestion seriously, although he's not ready to move to Glenoak yet. She bitches about how he won't even fly into town for Dopey's wedding because he's working that day. He tells her that he can't fly to Glenoak every single weekend, to which Lucy ever so rudely replies, "Can't or won't?" Step off, bitch. In the real world, people can't afford to drop hundreds, or even thousands, of dollars to fly across the country on a whim. Kevin may be a moron, but at least he's not stupid enough to jeopardize his job and empty out his bank account just to sit on a couch and make out with Lucy all weekend. Well, I hope he's not that stupid.
Rabbi Richard has invited Dopey over to harangue him into converting to Judaism before the wedding ceremony tomorrow. Does Dopey really have time for this right now? Shouldn't he be out getting his hair cut, or at least buying shampoo? Richard is not put off when Matt hesitates about converting so soon. Come on, Dopey, why so cautious? It's not like this is a life-altering decision or anything!
Back at the CamPound, RevCam is telling Dopey to bring the twins downtown to pick up their tuxedoes. Ugh. Personally, I think there are few things more annoying than very young children in adult formalwear. This scene comes close, though, as Dopey tells his father that he is planning to convert before the wedding tomorrow. RevCam argues that Matt can't possibly be ready to convert yet. It's a pretty good argument, but it's somewhat soured by the fact that RevCam's obviously got a personal agenda here. Eric helpfully offers to talk to Rabbi Richard about the conversion, but Dopey's not having that. To his credit, he does do the responsible thing for once, extracting a promise from RevCam to mind his own damn business.
After RevCam leaves, Simon and Robbie come downstairs. Simon asks his brother if he's decided on a best man yet. Dopey offhandedly mentions that John is out of town and asks Robbie if he wants to be the best man. Aw, that really tugs at the heartstrings! Where has John been all season anyway? I thought he'd moved to New York (the city, that is) last year when he got married. Oh, well, it's not like continuity has ever been a really big part of this show. Robbie accepts Dopey's charming request to be his best man with a vacuous, "Yeah, I guess." Simon seethes.
Plot Contrivance is lying in wait for her father. She wants to bitch him out for pressuring Dopey to convert, even though Richard claims that there was no pressure. PC goes on to accuse her father of trying to cause some "drama" that will endanger the wedding. Hey, whatever happens, I'm sure he's doing a much better job of creating drama than Brenda Hampton is.
Annie storms into the CamKitchen and tells RevCam, "I'm a stupid dead woman." Well, she's half right. She tells Eric that she assumed that only PC's parents and grandparents would be attending the rehearsal dinner, and that she certainly hadn't planned to have a hundred Glass relatives show up. You know, Annie, this is why when you plan a rehearsal dinner, you ask someone like the bride's mother how many people to expect from their side. Oh, why am I bothering? This entire wedding is too ridiculous for words. Annie displays her ignorance some more by wondering if it's even possible to have a kosher potluck dinner. Of course it is, but it would have to be planned by someone who's not a total idiot, so that pretty much takes Annie out of the running. Undaunted, Annie decides that she's going to book the pool hall and find a kosher chef. That's right, for tonight's dinner. I'm guessing that, since the kids are not at school, the day is Saturday. And since we've already seen the disastrous ceremony-planning session in Rabbi Richard's office, Rosina dealing with the caterers, Dopey meeting with Richard and then coming home again to tell RevCam about his decision to convert, it has to be at least late afternoon by now. Does Annie really think the pool hall is going to close down on what is probably their busiest night of the week to host her dinner? Does she actually believe she will find a kosher caterer who can plan a menu, buy ingredients, and prepare food for over a hundred people in a few hours? Would a kosher caterer even be taking calls on a Saturday? Well, far be it from me to ruin something as lovely and magical as the Dopey-PC fake-o wedding, so I'll just shut up now.
Lucy answers the phone to hear the sultry voice of Hunky Firefighter Dude Ben. He's calling to ask Lucy if she knows whether Mary wants to break up with him. I guess he learned back in junior high that you can pick up valuable information from your love object's girlfriends, and he's just never abandoned this technique. He asks Lucy, "Do you have any idea what could be going through her mind?" Well, I suppose that, technically, Mary could be coming up with a cure for the common cold or working out the plot for a Pulitzer prize-winning novel, but it's probably safer to say that nothing is going on in that vast wasteland I'll charitably call a "brain." Lucy has no real insight into Mary's feelings for Ben, so she turns the conversation to herself, annoyingly asking Ben if his brother loves her. I suppose that's more direct than asking one of her friends to pass a note to Ben during health class, but not by much. Turning the conversation back to himself, Ben decides that Mary wants some kind of commitment from him, so that's what he's going to do: make a commitment. He says goodbye and then hangs up the phone. Lucy looks puzzled that anyone would say goodbye before hanging up the phone.
Down on the Promenade, Dopey and the guys are standing around with their tuxedo bags when Plot Contrivance walks up. Robbie tactfully offers to take the twins and Simon home, but Simon stomps off rudely to take the bus instead. Yeah, that'll show Robbie, all right. When the others have left, PC starts hassling Dopey about his plan to convert before their wedding. Dopey leads her over to a bench. Two nervous-looking extras are standing in front of the bench, but they move aside awkwardly when they see Dopey and his bride coming. Who does the blocking for this show anyway? It's always so terrible. Dopey tries to tell PC that he's converting because he wants to and because it feels "right," and also that he knows Rabbi Richard is pressuring him in the hope of wrecking their wedding plans. PC looks at him oddly, and then Dopey says, "Yes, I'm smarter than I look." Aw, it's a goodbye shout-out to us. That's sweet, Barry. Unfortunately, Dopey goes on to say that he thinks they should be focusing less on the wedding and more on their "second honeymoon." Did they even have a first honeymoon? I don't know if I'd call a night in a hotel room a honeymoon, exactly. PC says, "I thought we can't solve all of our problems with sex," to which Dopey replies, "Well, I'm willing to try." Ew. Oh, and ew.
RevCam has shown up at the Glass house, breaking his promise to Dopey not to interfere. He starts off by telling Richard that he doesn't think Dopey is ready to convert, but before you know it, he and Richard are flinging insults at each other. And they're not even good insults. No, RevCam just keeps accusing Plot Contrivance of pressuring Dopey into this marriage, while Richard accuses Dopey of putting on the pressure. And on and on it goes. Even the actors look slightly embarrassed to be participating in such a stupid scene. This all culminates in both men deciding the wedding is cancelled. Um, shouldn't the bride and groom have some say in that? Not that it matters, considering that they're already married and are just throwing away their parents' money on this phony wedding anyway.
Robbie and Simon get down to some more fighting in the CamKitchen. When Robbie says he's going to bring the twins upstairs to get them cleaned up, Simon tries to make him feel bad by pointing out that they're his brothers, not Robbie's. I think Simon needs a little work on his technique if he thinks that's an insult. The twins are much better at it, though, as they babble that they want Robbie. I'm not real sure what they mean when they continue with, "Bobbie, Probbie," but the first part of it was a pretty good burn on Simon, who glares at everyone and then leaves.
"Probbie" follows him into the living room, the twins in tow, to try to placate him about the fact that he, and not Simon, was asked to be Dopey's best man. Simon accuses him of wanting to take Dopey's place in the family, as if anyone could do that. It would take an unusual combination of stupidity, self-righteousness, and really greasy hair to pull that off, and quite frankly, I don't think Robbie's up to the task. Simon needles Robbie about his duties as a best man, asking him if he's written his speech or confirmed the couple's honeymoon reservations. These days, I'm not sure an airline or a hotel would give out reservation information to anyone but the couple themselves, but whatever. When Simon asks if Robbie knows he's supposed to be bringing the wedding gifts to the reception, I have to laugh out loud. Where the hell did he get an idea like that? I'd like to think he's toying with Robbie and feeding him false information, but I suspect that whoever wrote this episode just doesn't have a clue how weddings work. You might want someone to bring the gifts home from the reception, but I can't imagine any couple tacky enough to cart their wedding gifts to the reception. What are they planning to do, show off the gifts? Like anyone would care. Maybe that's just some quaint Glenoak custom. I've never really thought of David Gallagher as a terrible actor, but unfortunately, his "dramatic" yelling in this scene pretty much proves that he is. Let's just say you won't be seeing any clips from this scene at the Emmys.
Lucy is at the Glenoak airport, waiting to pick up her grandparents. She turns away from the screens showing the arrivals and departures, since it's probably too complicated for her to figure out. Instead, she asks the "Glenoak Airport Traveler Information" clerk this super-specific question: "Can you tell me when the flight from Phoenix is due in?" Before the clerk can answer, some guy behind Lucy says that the flight is late and won't be arriving for another two hours. Whew, it's good he spoke up so that Brenda doesn't have to pay that clerk extra to speak any lines. And who is this guy talking to Lucy anyway? He's just someone who wants to pick her up, obviously, as he graciously tells her she can wait with him. Because he's cute, Lucy agrees. Airport Psycho suavely tells her, "If you're waiting for your husband or fiancé or boyfriend, I'm gonna be very unhappy." What a snappy pick-up line!
Robbie walks into the Hello Kitty room to see Ruthie sitting on the bed. He looks around in disbelief and then asks Ruthie what happened to all his stuff. I may not be the most observant person in the world, but this room really doesn't look any different to me from when Robbie and Dopey were living in it. Ruthie explains that she's moved Robbie's stuff to the Treehouse. We're probably expected to believe that she carried his furniture up there too. Really, nothing is impossible in Glenoak. After rudely suggesting that Robbie look for his own apartment, Ruthie shoves him out of the room.
Oh, gross -- Aunt Julie is calling Annie. At least she's calling to say that she won't be attending the rehearsal dinner since she's going into labor. Fortunately for us, Uncle Hank only has about two lines. I'm really glad we won't have to see a lot of them this episode, but I'm not sure why the producers bothered hiring them for this one-minute scene.
And it's time for another pointless guest appearance. This time it's from Ginger, Annie's stepmother, who's calling from the Phoenix airport to tell her that she's misplaced Annie's father. Oops! In light of that, Ginger and Gramps may not be able to make the rehearsal dinner. And we're supposed to care?
In another airport -- Buffalo, I assume -- Ben is running to catch up to Mary, who's walking with another flight attendant. When he does catch her, he hands her a box which contains his class ring. He says he didn't have time to get her a real engagement ring. Even though he hasn't done anything very eyecatching so far, all the extras in the vicinity are staring at him and Mary and eavesdropping on their conversation, which makes me wonder if they're all Camden relatives waiting for their flights to Glenoak. When Ben gets down on one knee and loudly proposes to Mary, the extras start applauding and cheering. Mary isn't applauding or cheering, though. In fact, she turns down Ben's proposal and tells him to go home. He stands there looking kinda vacuous. I would feel a little bad for him, but I'm too busy laughing -- especially when I see that he is standing in front of the restrooms. Had Mary accepted his proposal, that would have made a lovely story for their grandchildren. Maybe that's why he was speaking so loudly before -- to make sure he could be heard over the sound of flushing. As Ben continues to stand there dumbly, a couple of extras walk by behind him. It looks like one of them is laughing at Ben.
Dopey is walking out of the Glenoak Free Clinic when PC runs up to him. She's wearing street clothes and a wedding veil. Needless to say, she looks totally stupid. I don't know how she found Dopey, but she says she's been running around town looking for him to tell him their fathers have cancelled their wedding. Well, if there isn't going to be a wedding, maybe PC's just trying to get some use out of her wedding veil by wearing it around town.
Dopey walks into the CamBoudoir to confront RevCam about canceling the wedding. They have yet another dreadfully dull argument about Dopey's conversion, and then Eric tells his son that he will not be attending his wedding. He's arrogant enough to think that this will make Dopey change his mind about converting. Like most of his ideas, this one really isn't very good.
Back at the Glass house, Plot Contrivance is confronting her own father. Taking about a minute and a half to speak three sentences, Richard explains that he doesn't believe in this marriage and should never have agreed to perform the wedding ceremony. He is also refusing to attend the wedding, which is just fine by me. PC is upset, though, and she begs her mom to do something about this situation, since she doesn't want to have to choose between her father and Dopey.
Ben is drowning his sorrows in half a beer at an airport bar when his brother, Pea-Brained Moron Kevin, walks up. Kevin doesn't seem all that surprised that Mary turned downed his brother's proposal. Ben asks him if he's in love with Lucy, and Kevin says he is. Yeah, whatever. Ben says he is definitely in love with Mary also. In fact, he's going to buy a plane ticket to Glenoak so he can crash Dopey's wedding and tell Mary how he feels about her. Kevin suggests he buy two tickets so that he can tag along and see Lucy. You know, this is getting really stupid. Ten years ago, my dad gave me one of his frequent flyer tickets so that I could join the family in Seattle for vacation. He got the ticket himself and then mailed it to me. As the day of the trip drew closer, I still hadn't received the ticket, so at the last minute, I called a bunch of airlines to see about getting another ticket. The cheapest fare I could find was still about a thousand dollars. I can't imagine that a young cop and his firefighter trainee brother have that kind of cash lying around, so I wish all these people would just quit buying last-minute airline tickets. It's really working my nerves.
Lucy is still at the Glenoak Airport, where she's just phoned her parents to find out that while her grandfather has been located, he and Ginger can't get a flight into town until tomorrow. You'd think she would rush off to help her mom with the rehearsal dinner preparations, but instead she offers to stay and wait with The Airport Psycho, whose name is Doug, in case you care. Doug continues trying to pick her up. His efforts are extremely clumsy, but since Lucy will date anything with a pulse, she says, "Do you want to go to a wedding with me?" Doug responds, "Isn't that a little sudden?" Oh, pshaw! You've known Lucy for at least a couple of minutes. Surely that's enough basis for a lifetime commitment. As it turns out, Lucy is just inviting him to attend Dopey's wedding with her. You see, she doesn't have a date. She admits this terrible calamity to him while scrunching up her face most unattractively. Doug seems amenable to being her date anyway.
Mary and her fellow flight attendant are gossiping about Ben when they really should be doing their jobs. I'm surprised JetBlue actually allowed their name to be used on this show. I can't imagine they'd want people to think all their flight attendants are dumb-asses like Mary. The loser in question turns to a couple of passengers and asks if they want apple juice or orange juice. If they want either, they're out of luck, since all Mary's carrying on her tray are a couple cans of Coke and some bottled water. Hey, wait a second. These guest stars look a little familiar. That's because they're the Control Freaks who didn't want their 45-year-old son moving out of their house. So, why are they back, anyway? They weren't such fabulous guests stars that anyone needed to use them twice. In fact, the woman is just as annoying as she was last time, as she demands of Mary why she didn't accept Ben's marriage proposal. While the rest of the passengers go drink-less and peanut-less, Mary natters on about her relationship, explaining that she doesn't want to give up any other part of her life to be with Ben. The other flight attendant points out that Ben wasn't asking her to give anything up, but Mary's not convinced.
Well, it's finally time for the rehearsal dinner, which Annie has managed to scrape together with just a couple hours' notice. Maybe that would explain why there seem to be more flowers than food on the buffet table. We see a waitress carrying a drink which has so many flowers in it that it would be physically impossible to drink from the glass. I think it's safe to say the flowers outnumber the guests by about a thousand to one. The only non-Camdens there are that irritating Doc guy and his date, Matt's boss from the clinic. They're dancing while some Camdens sit morosely at a long table. I can understand why there's nobody from Plot Contrivance's family, but surely the Camdens must have invited more people than just Doc and his date. Isn't there anyone there from the church? Who would have been bringing all the potluck dishes for the original backyard party?
While his date meanders off to grab herself a stiff drink, Doc comes over to converse with the Camdens. Lucky them. Doc natters on irritatingly about borscht and living in a kibbutz while the Camdens all sullenly ignore him. Hey, the dude is annoying, but there's no need to be so rude about it. Doc gets back at them when he asks where all the guests are and why the family looks "a little off tonight." Simon starts yelling about how Robbie is not family and cannot take Dopey's place. Then he gets up and leaves. Ruthie busts on Robbie until he gets up and leaves too. Then she leaves. Doc makes me laugh when he says, "I guess it's me, because everything here looks as right as rain." Fortunately for him, his date comes over to ask him to dance to Deep Purple's "Smoke on the Water." This leads Doc to start talking about the time he "toured" with Deep Purple. Actually, he just followed them around for a year, no doubt irritating the hell out of them also. By this point, Annie isn't even pretending to be polite. She's just sitting with her head propped up on her hand and her eyes closed. Doc finally takes the hint and departs for the dance floor.
Annie says, "Okay, I know why Mary and Lucy and Hank and Julie aren't here." Oh, do you really know why Lucy's not there? Since she doesn't have to pick up her grandparents tonight after all, did she actually tell Annie she's skipping her brother's rehearsal dinner to chat up a cute guy? Probably. Annie continues: "I know why the Colonel and Ruth aren't here." You do? Because nobody told us. No, that's okay. I really don't want to know anyway. Annie demands to know why Dopey and PC and the Glass family are not at the party, so RevCam has to explain about how he fought with Matt and Rabbi Richard. I can respect him for standing up for his principles, but if I were Annie, I'd be feeling pretty homicidal right about now. He couldn't have told her any of this earlier?
As RevCam gets up to leave, Annie looks stunned. It might be because RevCam is jumping the sinking ship that is this party, but it's just as likely she's in shock because she just noticed Doc and his date on the dance floor. They're still dancing to "Smoke on the Water," but they're not even remotely on the beat, and they're flailing around like crazy. Eh, at least they're having fun, which is more than I can say for most of the viewers.