One thing we've learned here at TWoP is not to underestimate who's reading these recaps. So by way of an opening disclaimer to any of the friends and family of the late Staff Sgt. Dwight J. Morgan who might stumble across this: I have nothing but respect for anybody who risks his life on a regular basis in order to keep others safe, and my dislike of this very awful episode should in no way be seen as criticism of Staff Sgt. Morgan. I can only hope that he is looking down from Heaven -- or Valhalla or Xanadu or wherever -- and laughing his ass off at the unwarranted sense of self-importance exhibited by the people responsible for putting together this episode.
The strains of Tom Petty's "I Won't Back Down" lead us into tonight's "special" episode. After a brief establishing shot of the CamPound, we cut inside to see a video camera set up in front of a microphone. Ruthie Camden walks into the frame and up to the microphone. She's wearing a black t-shirt with military rank patches of some sort on the sleeves, a camouflage-patterned miniskirt, a necklace with a military dog-tag painted in the pattern of the American flag, and a million little bracelets. She looks into the camera and starts singing along with the music and flailing her arms about in a sorry attempt at choreography. Happy the dog sits nearby, watching curiously. I physically cringed in discomfort when I saw this for the first time. Not at Ruthie's singing, which isn't very good, but less screechy than you might think given who it is. I'm discomfited by the creepy way that this scene accidentally (at least I'm hoping it's an accident) attempts to eroticize Ruthie. She looks kind of like one of those twelve-year-old girls who dress up like Britney, except with a military theme. I'm wondering why no adults involved in this show didn't say something during either the filming or the editing like, "Doesn't this look like one of those creepy Calvin Klein commercials from way back?" It's that creepy. Anyway, she starts playing air guitar very poorly, and a kindly cameraman pans away from her and rests on a framed picture nearby of a Marine in ceremonial dress. Text is superimposed over the picture, explaining that "Tonight's episode of 7th Heaven is dedicated to Staff Sgt. Dwight J. Morgan and The United States Marine Corps." Since this episode actually has nothing resembling a plot, that's essentially our "theme mallet" for the week. And like the usual theme mallet, it's going to be hitting us again and again and again.
Credits. My god, that's an awful theme song. This episode is sponsored by Target. I just felt that a coincidence that strange needed to be mentioned. This week's Opening Credits Timewaster features Ruthie wandering around the kitchen, looking through various drawers for something. A script that has a plot in it? Better dialogue? Her dignity? SuperMom is also in the kitchen, possibly ruining some other complicated ethnic dish, like spaghetti. She looks like she's looking up recipes in a dictionary. Ruthie has no luck finding what she's looking for and eventually has to ask Mom where her school pictures are. Annie pulls an envelope down from a cabinet, and asks Ruthie who's "lucky enough" to be getting her picture. Ruthie explains that she's been sending emails to a Marine in Afghanistan, one Sgt. Dwight J. Morgan. For some reason, she feels the need to clarify that Dwight's a "real" Marine. I guess she needs to differentiate between him and that stripper who dresses up like a Marine for bachelorette parties and has been teaching her how to dance. Ruthie explains that Morgan helps deliver supplies by helicopter. Annie asks Ruthie when she started corresponding with the troops overseas. Way to be involved in your children's lives, "SuperMom." Ruthie explains that it's a volunteer class project; the students are sending emails to various people in the armed forces to let them know they're appreciated. Annie asks Ruthie what she writes about. Ruthie explains that she tells him interesting or funny stories about the family. Then she runs back upstairs with her picture. Do they have a scanner? Somehow I can't picture that. Maybe she's going to try to stuff the picture into the disc drive.
After Ruthie runs back upstairs, Annie just stands there, staring at the stairwell like an idiot. Eventually, RevCam comes in and walks up behind an oblivious Annie. She's startled when she finally notices him there, because she's an idiot. Eric just returned home from dropping Dopey and Plot Contrivance at the airport. They're on their way to New York to visit Columbia and to look for apartments. Insert hysterical laughter here. Eric asks Annie why she's staring at the stairs. She asks Eric if he knew about Ruthie's Marine pen pal. He didn't. Do these two ever have actual conversations with their children, or do they just lecture and stalk? Annie is concerned. I know you might be thinking that, because of the way Ruthie was dressed and the whole anonymous nature of the internet, Annie is perhaps worried that Ruthie might actually be talking to somebody with rather inappropriate designs on her, like some child pornographer or Roman Polanski or something. But no, that's not it. She's worried that Ruthie is telling this Marine embarrassing stories about the Camdens. How is it that I, a single gay man, have better parenting instincts than these two? Annie asks Eric why they can't ask Ruthie to let them read her emails. Eric manages to say, with a completely straight face, "Because she has the privilege of privacy in our home and we don't read her mail, coming or going, unless she asks us to?" The best part is Stephen Collins's delivery. He says it as though Eric has never said those words in that order in his entire life. And he probably hasn't. Annie says that the need to convince Ruthie to tell them what's in her emails. RevCam declines to participate in Annie's latest nosy plan, so she stomps off by herself to make sure that Ruthie isn't embarrassing them all by telling Sgt. Morgan how her brother is pretending that he hasn't married some woman and how her older sisters share a brain.
After she leaves, Robbie wanders in, and Eric asks him if he knows about Ruthie's pen pal. Robbie does, for some reason. Whatever. He tosses out more exposition about Morgan being twenty-four years old and married, just in case RevCam was worried about Ruthie having a crush. Wait till he sees her in that miniskirt. RevCam wonders why Robbie knows all this and he doesn't. Because you suck, that's why. Robbie explains that Ruthie trusts him. Ooh, burn. Eric stomps off glumly at that insult to his fathering skills as Mary and Lucy enter in tandem. I don't believe that either of them get more than four feet away from each other this entire episode. I think they need to be close to each other for the brain-sharing to work. They wonder why SuperMom isn't being all super and cooking dinner for them like she's supposed to, what with them having no hands and all. Robbie figures it has something to do with Ruthie and Sgt. Morgan and pours redundant exposition all over the place, and I'm annoyed because I know this is going to happen about fifteen more times in the two minutes. It's like the telephone game, except neither funny nor entertaining. Robbie wanders off upstairs as Lucy and Mary worry about what Ruthie is saying about them. They'll never be able to land themselves good husbands if Ruthie goes around telling everybody that they're dumber than a box full of Dismissed contestants.
Then Simon comes downstairs, with his hair all slicked back and too much make-up on. He looks like he just returned from playing a Jet in the local dinner-theater production of West Side Story. He asks what's going on, and we get the Ruthie story yet again. Lucy and Mary, just like Annie, are worried that Ruthie is saying bad things about them because she hasn't told them what she's written. Why is it that all the women are worried and the men aren't? I'm sure there's some sexist idea behind it, but I'm not quite sure what it is. Simon, the manly voice of reason, suggests that Ruthie hasn't filled them in on the details because she didn't think they were interested. Lucy sarcastically dismisses the very idea, and the two girls rush upstairs, dragged along by their irrational feminine emotions. Simon stands around for a minute before he realizes that there's nobody left for him to pass the tedious exposition on to, then heads upstairs as well.
Upstairs, the Camdens (with the exception of Dopey) have gathered in Ruthie's room, where she reads them all a print-out of her long-winded email. This is going to go on for the ten minutes. That's right -- the entire first act of this episode is Ruthie reading an email. Ruthie has apparently gone around asking all the Camdens what they love most about living in America, and she's telling Morgan what they all said. Doesn't Morgan get enough propaganda at his job? Ruthie passes the email around the room, so each Camden can read his or her part in America Rulz! The Middle East Droolz! Eric is first. Eric is glad that we have freedom of religion in the United States, and says that people have risked their lives coming to America for that right. Ruthie lies that Eric "encourages everyone to practice whatever religion they choose, but to choose one and practice it." And never, ever try to change it, either. And I guess for Eric, "freedom of religion" doesn't include "freedom from religion," because not practicing one at all doesn't seem to be an option. Still, it's a good thing we have freedom of religion here, or gay people like myself might not be allowed to get married.
Annie is . Annie is grateful for "freedom of education." Blah blah people need to be educated to be free blah blah otherwise they'll believe whatever they're told, which isn't exactly true. For the purposes of this episode, Annie thinks that questioning authority is a good thing in order to keep those in charge "in check," and a good education is necessary to do so effectively. So when Cate is constantly questioning Annie's authority, she's a true American patriot. Even if she is, technically, a Canadian. Yeah, Americans love people who question authority. Just ask Noam Chomsky.
Annie hands the email back to Ruthie so she can read about why Dopey's a happy American. It would have been funny if Ruthie had slipped here and revealed that he's already married Plot Contrivance, but she doesn't. Dopey is happy that a complete idiot like himself can get into medical school, and says that America has the best medical care in the world. Note that he doesn't say that it's the most affordable, nor the most accessible.
Ruthie hands the email over to Mary, who reads that she loves America because it's full of cute boys! Well, no, but it would be more accurate than what she actually says. She says she's training to become an "airline attendant" and is happy that she has the right to travel freely, which she hopes will eventually allow her to escape from this awful, awful show. Mary hands the email over to Lucy, who is grateful because women in America are allowed to choose their careers and "follow in their father's footsteps" if they want to. And if they're lucky, make about seventy percent of their father's salary! Hooray!
Lucy passes the email over to Simon. Since they've pretty much run out of rights that they're willing to address on the show -- nobody's going to talk about bearing arms? -- Simon's happy that they have cars, and that he can drive, and that there are airbags and speed limits. Whatever. I'm sure Morgan will have stopped reading by now anyway. Simon hands the email over to Robbie. Ruthie explains that Robbie has become part of their extended family. Robbie's grateful for becoming part of the Camdens, because now he can be judgmental and uppity and put the women in their places. Actually, he says, "[I] learned that you don't have to be blood-related to be a family. Sometimes circumstances create a family that you love just as much as your own." Well, I hope he remembers that when Simon reveals that he and his "life partner" want to adopt a child. Robbie says that this is what "America is all about." Except in the South, where they've got laws against that sort of thing.
Robbie hands the email back to Ruthie, who tells Morgan about the twin boys. She says that though the boys can't talk well enough to contribute to this discussion, she theorizes that they're just happy to have been born Americans so that they "don't have to sneak over the border or stand in line for years at the INS." So many, many presumptions in that statement. You do realize that there are millions and millions and millions of people out there in countries that aren't America that are perfectly happy with their lot in life, aren't you? Man, I sound like an angry crank, don't I? Let me just amend that I love living here in America, but I don't have much tolerance for folks who act as though, just because we have a lot of rights and protections compared to many other countries, we still don't have a long way to go on this journey. When you're living in a ditch, a cave seems like a big improvement -- and it is -- but it's still not a mansion. Let's not go resting on our laurels and acting smug about it.
Ruthie winds up her email and tells Morgan that she'll ask her dad to pray for him and the other soldiers. She asks RevCam to say a prayer for him right then and there. He agrees. They all bow their heads, and Eric prays for the soldiers to all return safely, and for comfort for the families of those who have lost their lives in the war and during the attacks on September 11. He tears up a bit, which would move me more if I didn't normally find this man so very repulsive. After he's done, Ruthie asks him if he thinks Sgt. Morgan could get hurt while delivering supplies. Eric wonders why she'd ask something like that. Ruthie explains that everybody in her class got an email from their pen pal today except for her. Maybe he has a Hotmail account? Everybody looks concerned, and tinkly music plays because we all already know that Sgt. Morgan has been killed and there's really no point in trying to create dramatic suspense.
Commercials. I just want to say that I don't like Scooby Doo, I never liked Scooby Doo, and I have no plans to see the movie, which looks even worse than the old cartoon.
It's evening as we return from commercials, and Eric is on the phone with the Colonel, asking if the Colonel can use his connections to find out if Sgt. Morgan is okay. The Colonel asks if Eric is prepared to give the bad news if necessary, but RevCam's a big ol' milquetoast. Colonel awkwardly blurts out some exposition about the five thousand American troops in Afghanistan and how the casualty lists are "miraculously low." American casualties, I'm sure he means, and isn't that all that matters? RevCam further exposits that Morgan is with the Marine Aircraft Group 16, part of the Third Marine Aircraft Wing. It turns out that his squadron is known as the Flying Tigers, and the Colonel clumsily exposits that this particular squadron has been around for more than fifty years and played roles in a number of American military actions.
We cut back to Ruthie, giving Mary and Lucy Sgt. Morgan's life story. They can't even get the exposition right. Ruthie explains that Morgan just "came back" last September, but doesn't say from where. Apparently he was supposed to stay stateside for a while, but everything changed after the September 11 attacks. He was sent to Afghanistan in November, the day before his wife's birthday. Mary asks about the boom box and the video camera. The kids are all making films to be digitally sent to the troops. Do they have DSL connections in Afghanistan? I'm picturing these troops crowded around a computer waiting half an hour for Ruthie's little dance number to download on a 56k connection. Well, it's the military. I'm sure they've got their ways. Lucy mistakenly refers to Morgan and his Marine companions as "soldiers," but Ruthie corrects her, because soldiers are in the Army and members of the Marines are called…Marines. That makes the title of this episode all the dumber, but I guess calling it "The Randomly Selected Marine," while more accurate, lacks a certain something. Ruthie treats us to more details of Morgan's life: His favorite movie is Top Gun, and his favorite television shows are The Simpsons and King of the Hill. Now I feel better critiquing this episode, because nobody who loves those shows can watch this and not mock the way it's written. We also get a list of his food likes and dislikes. He loves the enchiladas his wife, Theresa, makes.
Since the girls are all upstairs playing house with Sgt. Morgan and his family, the boys have to go downstairs to the kitchen and play war. Simon whines to Robbie that he'd miss home-cooked meals (as he eats a crappy cheese sandwich) if he were in the military. Robbie points out that he'd have to lose the earrings as well. But hey, he'd get to shower with dozens of other men and probably lose his virginity away from his creepy, stalking parents. The two of them blather on about how shocked they are about soldiers being in Afghanistan and the attacks on September 11, and this entire conversation is about four months too late to be believable. Robbie complains that people are going back to their old bad habits; somebody recently cut him off in traffic and gave him the finger. Waaah! Don't proselytize about how great America is and then whine about the fact that you're around a bunch of people who act like Americans.
Then Robbie says, "I don't know if in going about our business as usual, we've forgotten what happened. But I don't think we've dealt with what happened. The only people that seem to be dealing with it are the people who are in uniform, who have to, and their friends and family, as well as the friends and family of the victims and the rescue workers." What? Oh my god, shut up, you prick. On what basis are you saying that people haven't appropriately dealt with this? And what the hell is the appropriate way to deal with this if we haven't done it? That line pisses me off more than anything in this episode. Brenda Hampton is incapable of presenting people that behave like actual human beings, and now she presumes to tell us how to deal with tragedy? Shut up, Brenda, and go away.
Simon and Robbie continue on to discuss how life must be different for people in New York and D.C. Yes, we know. We know, because we live here on Earth, and we're not idiots, and we know. Simon says that, because the rest of us who don't live in those cities don't have those daily reminders, it's "easy to forget." Fuck that. The September 11 attacks are burned into the permanent memories of every single American (and probably most non-Americans around the world). Forever. Always. In forty years we're going to be boring our grandchildren with stories about September 11. Stop trying to tell me what people remember and what people are dealing with, because you guys don't have a freaking clue. Robbie goes on that people need to remember what happens in the world so that "they can make the world a better place." He tries to amend that he doesn't mean "a place just like America," but everybody knows that's just lip service, because it's so obvious that he does. Simon whines about not wanting to go to war, and Robbie responds that he doesn't want to either, so thank god there are so many wonderful volunteers in the armed services willing to do that for us. This scene is just so awful. These two have absolutely nothing to contribute to the national discussion on this issue that has been going on for months. The delivery is wooden. The scene doesn't start from anywhere, so it has nowhere to go and serves no actual dramatic function. It's not even very good as propaganda. It's like a parody of a military recruiting film you might see on The Simpsons with Troy McClure. Simon wonders what would happen if everybody refused to go to war. Robbie points out the problem of people crashing planes into buildings as a flaw behind that theory. Simon brings up all the problems in the world with poverty and illness and the environment, et cetera. Robbie says that we need a military to keep us safe while we try to fight all these problems. Yes, we know. Is there a major movement out there to disband the military that nobody told me about? This scene actually made me miss "Isaac and Ishmael." ["Now, let's not go overboard here." -- Sars]
Upstairs, Annie watches the twins sleep. Won't somebody think of the children?
The day, RevCam comes home as Annie slaves around the kitchen. She asks Eric if he's heard from the Colonel. Eric hasn't, and he's concerned because the Colonel promised to call that morning. Annie mentions that she hasn't turned the television on because she doesn't want to watch the news. Um. Somebody needs to explain irony to Brenda Hampton, and why it's not always a good thing. Eric reveals that there was a helicopter crash outside of Kabul. There were two casualties, but their names have not yet been released. He doesn't want to tell Ruthie about it until they know whether or not Sgt. Morgan was involved. Ruthie comes home, and Annie asks if she's gotten an email from Morgan yet. She hasn't, but she did get some regular mail (even though she just said earlier that they couldn't correspond through postal mail), including some pictures. There's a picture of Dwight and Theresa feeding each other cake at their wedding, a picture of the two of them at a Marine ball, and a picture of their young son, Alex, who looks just like my nephew. Morgan also sent her a flag pin to wear and think of him. Lucy and Mary come down from upstairs -- together, of course -- to find out what's going on. Then Simon arrives home and spills the beans about the helicopter crash. So I guess in Camden World, paying attention to current events is men's work. Ruthie asks, with absolutely no concern in her voice at all, if anybody was killed. Simon doesn't know. Ruthie then says she's glad that Sgt. Morgan wasn't hurt. How would she jump to that conclusion? She seems to think that because she just got mail from him today that he couldn't be involved. How stupid are these people supposed to be? They all look at the pictures. After Ruthie wanders upstairs, they all fret about whether Sgt. Morgan was on the helicopter that crashed.
A guitar plays sad tragedy music as night falls and the doorbell to the CamPound rings. Eric answers it, tentatively, to find the Colonel standing on the other side. He tells Eric he has bad news. A flute tootles tragically.
We return from commercials to the Colonel knocking on the door to Ruthie's room. Eric and Annie are such wimps. He tells her he has bad news about Sgt. Morgan. There's something wrong with the Colonel's nose. It's turned grayish-yellow. I think he's become so rigid that he might be turning into stone. The Colonel doesn't mince words -- he tells her Morgan was killed in the helicopter crash. It sounds like he's being callous, but I really don't see any way of easing into this, given that Ruthie already knows about the accident. Staff Sgt. Walter F. Cohee III was killed as well, but Brenda Hampton didn't pick his name out of a hat, so we'll never hear anything more about him. Ruthie goes from denial to acceptance in about three seconds and two facial expressions. She doesn't look particularly aggrieved, just disappointed. The helicopter was on a resupplying mission, and it went down shortly after take-off. He gives no indication of enemy activity, so it must have been an accident. Not that the deaths of two men is any less tragic an event. I'm just pointing that out. The other men in the helicopter were successfully evacuated. When the Colonel found out about Morgan's death, he wanted to come out to Glenoak to tell Ruthie himself. Ruthie gets upset on behalf of Sgt. Morgan's family and asks who's going to tell them about it, whining that little Alex probably has never even heard of Afghanistan. Colonel responds, "But I'm pretty sure he has heard of the United States of America. That's the country his father died for." Thanks for the newsflash, Gramps. God, what awful dialogue. He goes on about how Morgan sacrificed himself for freedom and liberty for all of us, and how he died with honor.
Downstairs, Annie and Eric are waiting for the Colonel to finish doing the dirty work, so that they can sweep in later and try to make everything better. Actually, Eric claims that the Colonel insisted on flying out and breaking the news to Ruthie. Apparently, he used to be a "casualty assistance officer," which makes it sound like his job was to try to cause casualties. Annie wonders if they should have been there when the Colonel broke the news. Eric tries to justify their wimpishness by saying that he thinks the Colonel didn't want them there. Whatever lets you think you're not a lousy father, RevCam. Just then, Ruthie comes downstairs. She asks RevCam if he'll hold a memorial service for Sgt. Morgan. Actually, it turns out that he's Staff Sgt. Morgan now. He was in line for a promotion, and they're going to give it to him posthumously. The parents hug her, happy that they don't have to explain death to her. Ruthie says she's going to go tell the other Camdens about Morgan's death, and RevCam promises to hold a memorial for him the evening. After Ruthie's gone, Annie and Eric tell each other that the Colonel handled it wonderfully. Certainly much better than either of them probably would have. They're only good at the part of parenting that involves stalking and judging. They hug.
We cut to the evening, to the memorial service at Glenoak Community Church. Everyone there looks like they're dressed for a barbecue. With all the flag clothing apparent, they look like they're dressed for an Independence Day barbecue. Dopey and his Plot Contrivance have returned from New York. He still doesn't get any lines this episode, so there's something for us to be grateful for. Ruthie, wearing an oversized black t-shirt with a flag on it, comes up to the -- uh -- stage? This is what happens when you never go to church. Besides going to Hell, you don't know what they call things. She sits to international gospel sensation CeCe Winans in those chairs near the pulpit where speakers wait for their turn. Whatever they're called. RevCam, wearing a black sweater with a big flag on it and jeans, steps up to the pulpit. There's a military honor guard standing there with flags. RevCam asks everybody to stand for the singing of the national anthem by Ms. Winans. As she sings, we pan across the crowd. Lucy is wearing a star-spangled do-rag. How have none of these people been struck by lightning? We get a brief glimpse of Staff Sgt Morgan's real family, standing in the first row in the center. Their expressions are slightly glazed, which I'm attributing to their nervousness about being on television.
The anthem ends, and Eric asks the gathered to bow their heads in prayer. Ruthie comes forward to lead the prayer. She thanks God for giving her the chance to know Morgan, and asks Him to let this ceremony come as a comfort to his friends and family and an honor to the men and women of the armed forces. Everybody amens. Eric gives his eulogy for Morgan, and I find his whole speech awkward and uncomfortable. Essentially, Eric just gives out random pieces of information about Dwight's life that he learned from his emails to Ruthie, without any attempt to prioritize them into some sort of meaningful structure. He talks at length about Dwight's favorite foods and the quality of the customized stereo in his Ford Escort, and his favorite song ("Sexual Healing" -- be grateful they didn't have Ruthie sing that), but just breezes by Dwight's familial relationships and makes only the briefest mentions of the fact that Theresa, his wife, is pregnant with a child that Dwight will never get to see. I place the blame here squarely on what must have been some inadequate interviewing on Brenda Hampton's behalf. I want to go find my old college textbook on feature writing, which has several chapters on how to interview people and write compelling, human profiles, and mail it off to her. Eric comes off here like somebody giving a eulogy for somebody he hardly knows, because that's exactly what he's doing.
We get another look at Theresa and Alex in the audience, along with Dwight's younger brother Chip, who is eighteen and wants to join the Marines. He's one of the reasons for the disclaimer at the beginning of the recap, because he could totally kick my ass. He's a big boy. Eric continues on with a list of names of people who were important to Dwight, none of whom we know and which gives us no real insight into who he was. Alex looks bored. Theresa looks bored. I honestly can't imagine what it must be like to sit through an imaginary memorial for a loved one, run by an actor pretending to be a minister, giving a speech written by a bad television hack. And I'm also wondering how long they had to sit here and how many times they had to listen to Stephen Collins give this vague, awful eulogy. Eric goes on to say how much Morgan loved being a Marine and serving his country, and that he died with honor -- because what else can he say? -- and picks up the theme mallet to hammer into us all that Staff. Sgt. Dwight J. Morgan is now "The Known Soldier" in his house and the community. He challenges the crowd to go out and do something the day that would make Morgan proud of them, to honor him.
He ends his eulogy, and CeCe Winans takes the microphone from him to lead the crowd in a rendition of "God Bless America." They sing us into the commercials. I'm just grateful that Lee Greenwood doesn't appear or sing anywhere in this episode.
When we return from commercials, it's the following day, and Annie is getting the twins together for some sort of trip. Simon wanders in and asks what's going on. Annie and the twins are spending the day with Mrs. Bink. Simon assumes that this is some sort of punishment, but Annie explains that she's teaching the twins how to take care of older people; they're going over there to cook her lunch. Simon responds, "Staff Sgt. Dwight J. Morgan would be very proud." How the hell would you know? But yes, Annie says she's doing this in his honor, because normally she ignores the helpless elderly or something. She asks what Simon is doing today. Simon says he's doing something, but doesn't want to tell her what it is, because he thinks that if somebody tells him he's doing a good deed, it doesn't count because he feels like he's being rewarded. Well, I don't think worrying about how people perceive your good deeds is much better. Stop trying to spin them in a way that makes you look more humble and just do them. Annie tells him that she thinks that's cute, and reminds him to be home in time of dinner. She's cooking enchiladas in honor of Staff Sgt. Dwight J. Morgan. No, really.
Elsewhere, Robbie is standing out in front of a Marine recruiting facility, looking at the sign in slight confusion and sighing while holding a bag from a fast food restaurant. I think the poor boy forgot where he lived again. He's thinking, "If only I knew how to read…" Eventually a Marine comes out and invites him to come inside. Robbie says he doesn't want to come in. He's not quite clear on how the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy works and doesn't want to get into trouble. Anyway, he's there to give the recruiter the gift of a $1.99 breakfast value meal in honor of Staff Sgt. Dwight J. Morgan. I've been more charitable to the crack-addled homeless people I used to live near. And here's where I finally realized that everybody is going to keep saying Morgan's full title and name with every single reference. I don't know how anybody thought that this would be anything less than irritating and embarrassing. It makes the show sound like an extended commercial for one of those tax places that gives you an advance on your rebate check. Imagine somebody saying, "Thank you, Staff Sgt. Dwight J. Morgan!" while waving a check at the camera. Robbie also invites the recruiter to come to the daycare center he works at during the week, to talk to the kids. Robbie wanders off to find a nice police officer who can help him find where home is, while the Marine pulls a French fry out of the bag, looks up towards the heavens, and thanks Dwight. Yeah, who are you going to thank when you need a triple bypass? I think this guy was an actual Marine. He was still a better actor than anybody else on this show.
Robbie wanders up to a giant, gas-guzzling pick-up truck covered in flags. Inside the truck, Ernest Borgnine is reading the newspaper. That poor man. Doesn't anybody out there have anything for Ernest to do? Robbie asks Ernest if he wants some free flags. He's handing them out in honor of Morgan. He gives Ernest four, and Ernest shouts his thanks to Morgan into his rearview mirror. You heard it here, folks: Heaven is located in Ernest Borgnine's truck. Ernest tells Robbie that he's a veteran, and Robbie thanks him for serving. Ernest says that nobody's ever said that to him before. What? Ever? That I don't believe. I can't believe this show's trying to make viewers feel like they don't adequately respect the folks of our military. Go peddle your guilt elsewhere, Brenda; I'm not buying any. As Robbie wanders off again, Ernest shouts out his window to apologize for cutting off Robbie in traffic earlier. So he was the culprit Robbie was talking about. I'm sure Robbie deserved it.
Elsewhere, Simon is getting some cash converted into a money order. He's donating the money to the Flying Tigers Memorial Fund. Aww, that's genuinely sweet. This was the only act of charity that didn't annoy me in the pit of my dark, cynical soul. All the others seem like they're doing good deeds in order to make themselves feel better for not putting their own lives on the line, not to actually do anything valuable. Yes, I'm judging the quality and motivation of people's good deeds. Simon was right all along. My table in Hell already has a "Reserved for Shack" sign on it. The teller, of course, knows who Dwight J. Morgan is, and says that this is the third money order she's made out for the fund today. She says that she has a brother who is a Marine in Afghanistan. Simon encourages her to pass along his thanks to him. She says she will. After he leaves, she turns to a photo of a Marine on her desk and thanks the picture. You heard it here, folks: Afghanistan is located on a teller's desk in Glenoak.
We cut to a what looks to be a huge military cemetery. Sars says there's one in Los Angeles, so we'll go with that. ["I believe it's this one, if anyone cares." -- Sars] Lucy and Mary are together, of course, with a big basket of donated flowers they're going to put on the soldiers' graves. Lucy frets that they don't have enough flowers. But it turns out in some "wacky" coincidence that Mary called Matt and Lucy called Plot Contrivance, each without the other knowing, and they're both going to show up with more flowers. Mary says their act of charity is making her sad. Lucy says that military personnel who sacrifice their lives for us get little recognition. I feel like I'm about to have a Lisa Simpson moment where she points out through gritted teeth how many holidays we have to recognize veterans. If they want to argue that what we're doing is not enough (particularly when it comes to caring for the surviving families), then fine, as long as they have something to back it up other than Lucy and Ernest Borgnine saying so. But nobody's paved over that graveyard to build a mall, and I think we show even more concern about the sacrifices our troops make now than we did during Vietnam. So why not treat me with some respect and stop trying to act like you morons care more than I do. The two of them wander around, leaving flowers with tags on them that say "In honor of Staff Sgt. Dwight J. Morgan." Now, that's just brilliant. Lucy just complained about these guys not getting recognition, and now she's leaving flowers on their graves with somebody else's name on them. Dopey and Plot Contrivance show up, arms loaded with flowers, and begin leaving them on graves. After they cut away, I wonder if the actors and crew actually went around and left flowers at all these graves, or if they just packed up their things and drove away. I don't think I want to know the answer.
We cut to a bus stop. RevCam wanders up to some crazy homeless guy named Frank, who's sitting there waiting for the bus. He doesn't have any shoes. Eric asks about the shoes. Frank tells him somebody at the shelter stole them. Eric offers to bring him back to the shelter to find replacements. Frank can't. He's waiting for Jesus, who he claims rides this bus. Is He going to wash Frank's feet? Hell, I tell you. Satan's going to make an exception and put me in the ninth circle with the traitors and betrayers. Eric thinks about it for a moment, then kicks off his loafers and gives them to Frank and walks off, thanking Staff Sgt. Dwight J. Morgan. Let's just assume that he calls his congressional representative to demand some honest reform in our mental healthcare system off-camera. ["Let's also assume that Brenda Hampton called Winnie Holzman to apologize for ripping that scene off from the 'So-Called Angels' episode of My So-Called Life, also off-camera. Oh, wait -- let's not. Shut up, Brenda." -- Sars]
Back at the CamPound, Ruthie is setting the camera up again. She's wearing another flag-clad shirt, and the pin Morgan sent her. She puts on an olive-green military cap, and says that she's dedicating this song to Staff Sgt. Dwight J. Morgan. She tells the troops that she appreciates what they're doing for them. She turns on the boom box, and sings and dances badly to "I Won't Back Down." It's still creepy.
The episode ends with a list of all the military personnel that have been killed in the "U.S.-led War on Terrorism." To show that I'm not a complete and utter ogre, and perhaps work my way back to the eighth circle of Hell, they are:
Sgt. Thomas F. Allison
Spc. Marc A. Anderson
Air Force Master Sgt. Evander Andrews
Capt. Matthew W. Bancroft
Lance Cpl. Bryan P Bertrand
Capt. James B. Blackmon, Jr.
Chief Petty Officer Matthew J. Bourgeois
Gunnery Sgt. Stephen L. Bryson
Tech Sgt. John A. Chapman
Sgt. 1st Class Nathan Ross Chapman
Staff Sgt. Walter F. Cohee III
Pfc. Matthew A. Commons
Staff Sgt. Brian T. Craig
Sgt Bradley S. Crose
Senior Airman Jason D. Cunningham
Machinist's Mate Fireman Apprentice Bryant L. Davis
Master Sgt. Jefferson Donald Davis
Spc. Jason A. Disney
Staff Sgt. James P. Dorrity
Spc. John J. Edmunds
Chief Warrant Officer 2 Jody L. Egnor
Maj. Curtis D. Feistner
Sgt. Jeremy D. Foshee
Staff Sgt. Kerry W. Frith
Staff Sgt. Justin G. Galewski
Staff Sgt. Scott N. Germosen
Chief Warrant Officer Stanley L. Harriman
Sgt. Nathan P. Hayes
Navy Fireman Apprentice Michael Jakes Jr.
Petty Officer 3rd Class Benjamin Johnson
Pvt. Giovanny Maria
Sgt. Jamie O. Maugans
Capt. Daniel G. McCollum
Master Sgt. William L. McDaniel II
Staff Sgt. Dwight J. Morgan
Staff Sgt. Roderick D. Nesmith
Capt. Bartt D. Owens
Petty Officer 1st Class Vincent Parker
Sgt. 1st Class Daniel Petithory
Staff Sgt. Brian Cody Prosser
Staff Sgt. Juan M. Ridout
Petty Officer 1st Class Neil C. Roberts
Sgt. 1st Class Daniel A. Romero
Staff Sgt. Bruce A Rushforth, Jr.
CIA Officer Johnny "Mike" Spann
Pvt. 1st Class Kristofor T. Stonesifer
Sgt. Philip J. Svitak
Capt. Theodore S. Treadwell
Sgt. Jeanette L. Winters
Thanks, guys.
week: After all this discussion of American liberties, 7th Heaven looks at interfaith marriages with the very sensitive episode title of "Holy Wars." Idiots.